The Underworld series is five films deep and continues to plug along successfully. It all started in 2003 when a leather-clad vampire named Selene (Kate Beckinsale) battled her way through werewolves, lounging vampires, and Bill Nighy. From there, she and others battled their way through more werewolves, lounging vampires and Bill Nighy. The following post examines the random thoughts I have about the Underworld Franchise
1. Vampires love to lounge
Some vampires hunt werewolves. Some vampires create weapons. Some vampires lounge 24/7. The vampires in Underworld seem to only lounge and glower. They sit in comfy chairs and live in a constant state of leisure. Do they work? Do they do chores? Where do they shop? Do they have a favorite chair?
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2. Selene is much better with a computer than the guys in What We Do in the Shadows
Selene does some great compter work in Underworld. She researches, has full awareness of the internet and could probably type 100 words per minute. Her computer work is much better than the guys in What We Do in the Shadows.
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3. Wentworth Miller had hair?
I don’t like it. It doesn’t seem right.
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4. Never use whips in a werewolf fight
The whips look cool and make for a great trailer moment. However, they are totally impractical and end up costing a vampire his life. Why not carry a bazooka?
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5. Bill Nighy is a great fist fighter
I bet Bill Nighy took this role so he could fist fight. You can tell he relishes throwing each punch and backhand. The only problem is he gets so consumed with fist fighting he gets his head chopped off. Common fighting mistake.
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6. Michael Sheen wears a great wig
Everybody in Underworld has great hair. I would give the award for “best hair” to Michael Sheen. The dude looks great with the long wig and I bet everybody on set was jealous (I have zero proof of this).
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7. Selene has a solid coat game
Selene’s coat in Underworld: Blood Wars is legit. It goes perfectly with her hair and has obviously been tailored to look awesome. I’m thinking it’s the only good part of Underworld: Blood Wars.
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8. Kraven loves loud shirts
You’d think an immortal would have better fashion sense. What kind of shirts did Kraven wear in the 1700s? Get with the times Kraven.
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9. Werewolves take forever to transform
If I fought werewolves I would blow them up (or get eaten immediately) while they take about 15 seconds to transform.
Nighy throat grabs when werewolves transform. He get its.
10. This lady does a great “vampire face.”
I still don’t understand why Erika (Sophia Myles) is so scared of Michael (Scott Speedman). She literally jumps into a wall and sticks to it. Then, she turns around and unleashes the great vampire face in the history of the world.
What random Underworld thoughts do you have?
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DC fans want their superheroes to fight the critics.
With news that Suicide Squad is getting pummeled by critics (35% RT) I decided to take a closer look at DC critical scores on Rotten Tomatoes. While researching I read an article on Collider that discussed a DC fan petition to end Rotten Tomatoes because of their Marvel bias. So, I collected all of the Marvel and DC critical scores and averaged them out. The results proved to be anticlimactic.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe (2008-2016) movies have an 82% critical rating while the Nolan/Snyder DC Extended Universe (2005-2016) movies have a 69.4% average (both are considered fresh). However, if you took out the Nolan Batman films the DCEU average drops to 38.3%. I think keeping in the Nolan critic scores are important because it shows that critics don’t exclusively have it out for DC. When looking at the average RT critical scores of all the Marvel/DC films the averages are 60.2% for Marvel and 52.9% for DC. The gap isn’t too extreme and proves that both DC and Marvel have made some amazing and amazingly bad superhero films.
The news of the petition by overbearing fanboys isn’t totally surprising because people lost their minds when Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice got destroyed by critics. Thus, news that critics don’t like the heavily promoted Suicide Squad has been enough to re-enrage DC films. The problem is that a problem doesn’t really exist. The critical gap isn’t that extreme but the EXTREMELY dedicated DC fans are taking the bad reviews as an affront to their decency. If you look at the views of all the San Diego Comic Con trailers DC has over 51 million views while the other eight trailers have 43 million views. Thus, DC has an incredibly passionate fan base who are mad about basically nothing.
I can’t wait to watch Gal Gadot do her thing in Wonder Woman.
Instead of placing their anger at critics (who they say don’t matter) they should be annoyed at DC. The DC world is expanding too fast and trying to build a world that Marvel created over 13 films. In DC’s haste they are overloading their films and they are close to capsizing due to excessive bulk. It’s fine that critics and audiences disagree. However, before getting annoyed at critics make sure to search out the facts.
Regardless of the RT rating of Suicide Squad I guarantee it will pull in tons of money (including mine) and sell millions in merchandise. Check out our podcast review of Suicide Squad next week!
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John’s Horror Corner: Zoombies (2016), a low budget zombedy using the Jurassic World playbook.
MY CALL: This very low budget zombedy is to Jurassic World (2015) as Jurassic World (2015) is to Jurassic Park (1993); just rehashing things that we once loved in inferior form. But it still has some personality and you can tell the cast and crew had fun with it. MOVIES LIKE Zoombies: If you’re looking for zombie animals then I’ve got your number. Love in the Time of Monsters (2015) featured zombie squirrels, moose, trout, geese and raccoons, and then Warm Bodies (2013), Zombeavers (2014), Victor Frankenstein (2015) and REC 4: Apocalypse (2014) also featured zombie monkeys and baboons. Other zombedies include Shaun of the Dead (2004), Zombie Strippers (2008), Zombieland (2009), Cooties (2015), Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015) and Love in the Time of Monsters (2015). For more solidly gross and recent horror comedy in general try Shaun of the Dead (2004), Zombie Strippers (2008), Zombieland (2009), Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009), Piranha 3D (2010), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Chillerama (2011), Final Destination 5 (2011), Grabbers (2012), Piranha 3DD (2012), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Warm Bodies (2013), Smothered (2014), Zombeavers (2014), The Voices (2014), Housebound (2014), He Never Died (2015), Cooties (2015), Ava’s Possessions (2015), Krampus (2015; not exactly comedy, but occasionally hilarious), The Final Girls (2015), Love in the Time of Monsters (2015), Deathgasm (2015), What We Do in the Shadows (2015) and Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015).
On the advice of @cjzisi (his review here) I am, against my better judgment, watching this random movie I’ve never heard of.
Director Glenn Miller (Santa Claws, a kids’ movie) doesn’t have much horror experience, but he does bring a nice touch to this light-hearted, often humorous zombie movie. The CGI is indicative of a quality similar to a ScyFy Channel movie of the week (e.g., Sharknado 2), which can be disheartening for some. But the writing and filmmaking care bestowed upon the opening sequence offers a glimmer of promise. Like an ad for Jurassic World (2015) we are introduced to Eden, a sanctuary for the world’s animals and family-friendly fun education.
But when some infected white-faced monkeys (yes, the Outbreak monkey) are rushed to the veterinary infirmary we know that something is wrong. In an effort to save a recently deceased monkey ethical lines are crossed and some experimental serum is used to revive it…no clue what such a serum is doing here, by the way. Now revived, the zombie monkey proceeds to leap onto the vet’s face and throw her eyeballs at his medical savior. I’d say that sets a pretty strong tone and I don’t think I’m worried about the CGI effects any more, however marginal they may be.
Yes, the effects suck and I don’t mind at all. I should also note that these actors all seem to really enjoy their roles. Their script may not be Shakespeare, but they are owning their lines and it’s really refreshing.
Our zoo is modeled after Jurassic World (2015) and you’ll see some direct nods to it (e.g., the design of the headquarters building, the animal tracking screen, the jeeps, and literally making the comparison in the dialogue). But more like how Jurassic Park (1993) brought some visitors to beta-test and criticize the not yet open to the public facility, here we have college interns starting a pre-opening program. Our John Hammond is Dr. Ellen Rogers (Kim Nielsen; Amityville Terror).
We find zombie giraffes, capuchins, lions, koalas, gorillas and lemurs. What we don’t find is quality gore or attacks. That said, this movie really isn’t “mainstream good” but I also really didn’t hate it. It was an enjoyable watch. Although I admittedly won’t ever be watching it again, I wouldn’t warn people away from it either. It has heart, and for that I look forward to whatever horror Glenn Miller does next.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Salute of the Jugger (1989), Rutger Hauer’s post-apocalyptic Mad Max death sport.
MY CALL: Also senselessly retitled as The Blood of Heroes, this post-apocalyptic Mad Max sports movie makes for an excellent Bad Movie Tuesday with gentle echoes of Gladiator (2000), Rollerball (1975) and even The Matrix (1999). MOVIES LIKE Salute of the Jugger: Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), but even more so Mad Max (1979), Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981), Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985) and Rollerball (1975, 2002).
Misinformative posters…there are no red fingernails (left) and I don’t know what’s going on (right).
The 20th century has come and gone, its technology and more serene times long forgotten, and in its place is The Game…which is played with… a dog skull…!?!?!?! Did I just read that opening caption right?
Cut to a young boy running and screaming a “Juggers” version of Paul Revere’s “the redcoats are coming” and a Tomboyish Kidda (Joan Chen; Wedlock, The Last Emperor) working in a sandy crop field of this Mad Max-esque post-Apocalyptic wasteland. And in march the Juggers, a rugged group mixing the aspects of the Sand People and gladiators—and speaking of gladiators, Mbulu (Delroy Lindo; Gone in 60 Seconds, Point Break) might just have been the inspiration for Gladiator’s (2000) Juba (played by Djimon Hounsou). Not just that, but Hauer does the Maximus Gladiator pre-battle sand-hand ritual. But let’s just pause and appreciate this weirdly eclectic cast in this cult classic, Australian B-movie. [Are you pausing to reflect…?]
These Juggers are led by Sallow (Rutger Hauer; True Blood, Bleeders) and they stop at a clearing to remove some, yes, “traditionally prepared” dog skulls from a sack before facing their competition. The scar-faced Big Climber (Anna Katarina; Angels and Demons, Star Trek) and Young Gar (Vincent D’Onofrio; The Salton Sea, Daredevil) arm themselves with wicker shin guards, chain whips, flails and leathers as other scarred warriors don stylish partial face masks. We know a brutal battle this way comes.
The Game resembles a combination of rugby, la Crosse, Rollerball (1975, 2002) and American Gladiators. Trying to rush a bloody animal skull across a sandy wasteland while being lethally assaulted, this game makes no more sense to me than a barbaric Quidditch match! I found the action to be entertaining, but not even a little bit “good” technically speaking.
Writer/director David Webb Peoples (writer for Blade Runner, Ladyhawke) has certainly done better. This film basically opens with a traveling team that plays an away game, loses a player to an injury, then recruits a rookie and trains her with rushing drills. After 30 min, they’re basically on to their second away game and move on to challenge a pro team from “the League.” That’s right, this is essentially a minor league misfits sports movie.
So what makes this a bad movie? Here are a few clues:
- I’m not really sure how to measure the success of this film. It had a budget of $10 million Australian dollars in 1988, then grossed almost $900K USD in America and under $200K AUD. Can that be right?
- Rutger Hauer is in it—he’s made a lot of bad movies in his time.
- Max Fairchild (Mad Max, Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, The Howling III), Richard Norton (China O’Brien, Mad Max: Fury Road) and Hugh Keays-Byrne (Mad Max, Mad Max: Fury Road) make this into a Mad Max reunion.
- They play a full contact, lethal sport with a dog skull for a ball and keep game time by counting thrown stones. There were no hourglasses in the year 2020???
- The action really isn’t great. Perhaps up to snuff for the late 80s, but still. You spend a lot of time wondering what these Jugger positions are really meant to accomplish on the field.
Misinformative posters…Joan Chen does NOT dress like a dominatrix (left) and this is not a Vietnam War movie (right).
The movie climaxes when Sallow’s team ventures into an underground city (like a rundown Zion) to play the super tough League team. But do they stand a chance? [Shiver] As if we all don’t already know.
It’s no Hogwart’s or Zion, but the world-building was actually pretty cool; using nuts and bolts as currency, lower castes living above land, this established sports system that’s akin to Rome’s gladiatorial arena to engage the poor and entertain the upper castes, the lawless game that has pre-set/standardized equipment that you (perhaps) make yourself, the completely unexplained dog skull… this world feels credibly lived in despite its somewhat ridiculous premise.
Misinformative posters…this is not a movie about a boyish Asian lady and a leper (left) and, AGAIN, this is not a Vietnam War movie (right).
This movie is really only semi-bad for its time, but pretty bad when viewed today. Think Robot Jox (1989)… awesome, right? Awesome yet awful…yet not really awful…but maybe really pretty awful. LOL. Yeah, it’s like that. I enjoyed it.
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I love the cult classics that were released between 2001 and 2002. They were an odd lot that featured mustache rides, frozen turds and Robin Williams going on safari. They were released when I was a freshmen/sophomore in college and working in an AMC movie theater. I remember watching Super Troopers, Zoolander, Out Cold, Joe Dirt and Kung Pow: Enter the Fist in close to empty theaters on my work break and wondering why some of them were even made. There were so many strange movies like Pootie Tang, Death to Smoochy, Freddy Got Fingered and Bubba Ho-Tep that left me confused and wanting a new belt.
Many of these films played ad nauseum in my college apartment and I will never forget the moment when my cinephile buddy Zach busted out a DVD copy of Wet Hot American Summer. I’d never heard of it and the experience was an absolute revelation. The following post covers 10 of my favorite (but not the best) comedy cult classics that were released between 2001-2002. Some of them are by no means good but they represent a lot of time spent watching movies and not studying, enjoying the outdoors practicing my poses.
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Here are some 2001/2002 cult classics that didn’t make this list. Some of them are incredible films but when you are a teenager with teenage roommates you don’t casually put on Punch Drunk Love. Secretary, Ghost World, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Made, Bubble Boy, 24-Hour Party People, How High, Freddy got Fingered and Jay and Bob Strike Back.
Here is the list!
Pootie Tang – (2001)
“Sa da tay!” – Pootie Tang
Scott Tobias of the A.V. Club writes a fantastic monthly column called The New Cult Canon. Every month (or so) he writes about a new cult film that audiences didn’t appreciate enough. I love reading his stuff and was excited to see that he wrote about Pootie Tang. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to actually talk about Pootie Tang with anything else. It is so odd that the majority of the populace could never be on its wavelength. I love this quote by Tobias in regards to Pootie Tang existing:
Pootie Tang is, in fact, an actual movie that got made, not something you hallucinated while watching a Rudy Ray Moore vehicle on ‘shrooms. It’s easily one of the strangest and most inexplicable projects green-lit by a studio in the last decade, yet it happened, and I doubt any killer Louis C.K. pitch had much to do with it.
Watching Pootie Tang for the first time can be a weird experience. If you are able to roll with it you will love every second of the weirdness. Watch the clip below so I can finally say “It’s hot too” and have people get it. Love the clip.
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Super Troopers – (2001)
When Super Troopers was released I don’t think I ever saw a trailer for it. The film was dumped into our theater and maybe 50 people watched it during the two week run. I went to the screening the night before it opened, and the four of us who turned up loved every second of it. I didn’t know who Broken Lizard was, but they immediately were put on my radar and I hunted down their film Puddle Cruiser and remember being incredibly excited for Club Dread (underrated).
Thanks to Super Troopers I want to chug maple syrup, go to Mexico and say “meow” to random motorists. My fingers are crossed for the crowd-funded sequel, and I hope the Broken Lizard can surprise without the element of surprise.
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Kung Pow: Enter the Fist – (2002)
I love Kung Pow. It is a weird little film that was too weird for the mainstream. It featured no familiar names and featured director Steve Oedekerk inserting himself into the old old kung-fu film Tiger Crane and Fist. The result was very random and very funny. For years I’ve quoted it (we trained him wrong) and kept it on whenever it randomly appeared on TV. I can 100% understand why the critics tore it to shreds and it only made $17 million worldwide. However, I am a big fan of how different and insane it is.
I’ve quoted this line for years. Nobody knows what I am talking about.
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Out Cold – (2001)
Out Cold went in and out of the theater I worked at in about two-hours. I remember being confused as to how a little movie like Out Cold actually received a wide releases. It seemed perfect for video consumption and not ready to be put under the big lights. It was critically derided and only about 20 people went to watch it during its run. However, I liked it a lot and appreciated the zippy soundtrack, snowy hi-jinks and Victoria Silvstedt (I was 19).
The DVD was very popular in my apartment complex and I’d always have to go looking for it because somebody “borrowed” it without telling me.
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Joe Dirt – (2001)
Joe Dirt is a comedic breathe of fresh air that features a very optimistic and mulletted lead. The film works because of David Spade’s likable and positive performance. The guy just keeps on keeping on and David Spade won me over despite my justifiable concerns. It was always on Comedy Central and whenever it was on I let it play. It is infinitely quotable (Life’s a garden, dig it) and features a whole lot of heart which is weird for a Happy Madison production.
Too bad the sequel was a meteoric frozen turd.
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Zoolander – (2001)
Everybody knows the Zoolander story. It was released after 9/11 and was derided for featuring a subplot about assassination. The film was harmless but the bad buzz crushed any hope for box office glory. However, it became a cult classic due to the massive popularity of the DVD Zoolander became really really ridiculously popular. It’s too bad the sequel was soul crushing and forgot why people liked Zoolander in the first place.
Wet Hot American Summer – (2001)
Whenever somebody says they haven’t watched Wet Hot American Summer this is my reaction.
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Wet Hot American Summer is a beautifully weird creation that gets better with age. Director/writer and David Wain and writer Michael Showalter somehow managed to collect an amazing cast and make a film that is anarchic yet controlled. Words can’t describe Wet Hot because it is insane. I love that The A.V. Club voted it as the best comedy of the 21st century. You need to see it. The Netflix television show is pretty great too.
Not Another Teen Movie
Not Another Teen Movie is much more than Chris Evan’s with a banana in his butt. It is a rewatchable spoof that features the oddest spelling of secret ever (s-e-c-r-a-p-t). I’ve quoted it endlessly (Let’s make like a tree and branch) and was very happy to learn that it still holds up. It ain’t shakespeare, but there are so many jokes you are bound to find yourself laughing.
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Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)
Bubba Ho-Tep tells the true story of what happens when Elvis and JFK are harassed by an ancient mummy. I’ve never had a better time in a theater and Bruce Campbell does solid gold work as Elvis. The best thing about Bubba Ho-Tep is the Elvis commentary on the DVD. Bruce Campbell plays Elvis watching the film and commenting on Bruce Campbell’s work. It is weird, amazing and hilarious.
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Death to Smoochy – (2002)
“Only enormously talented people could have made Death to Smoochy. Those with lesser gifts would have lacked the nerve to make a film so bad, so miscalculated, so lacking any connection with any possible audience.” Roger Ebert
I had a very tough decision to make in 2002. Would I watch Death to Smoochy or Panic Room the Thursday before they were released? I was a huge fan of Edward Norton and David Fincher and I didn’t know which film to watch. I ended up picking Death to Smoochy and the experience was really weird. If you’ve watched Death to Smoochy you know that it is a vulgar little thing that is mean, ugly and very funny. Director Danny DeVito made a pitch black comedy that made everyone scratch their head.
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What are your favorite 2001-2002 cult classic comedies? Let me know in the comments.
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Adam Sandler has had an amazing 20-year run that has defied expectations and created a new type of cinema. The “Adam Sandler” film has become synonymous with terrible critical reviews and lots of money. The guy has played Satan’s son, a football star and a whole lot of angry people. No matter what he does his films make money, and we cover it all on the podcast.
The focus of this week’s pod revolves around Sandler’s Netflix deal. We talk about his move to Netflix then review The Ridiculous 6 and The Do-Over.
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As always, we answer random listener questions and ponder whether Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison have aged well. Sit back, relax and listen to us talk about our dislike of Pixels.
Check out the MFF pod on Blog Talk Radio or head over to Itunes and listen to the randomness!
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MY CALL: Perhaps the most boring Italian horror film I’ve ever seen, this alleged sequel to a “haunted house” movie boasts nothing scary or particularly interesting. MOVIES LIKE Shock: For more (and decidedly better) Italian horror try The Other Hell (1981; still not so good), Manhattan Baby (1982; utterly senseless but entertaining), The Beyond (1981; awesome), Zombie (1979; awesome), City of the Living Dead (1980; awesome), Aenigma (1987; utterly senseless but entertaining), The Church (1989; utterly senseless but entertaining), Phenomena (1984; utterly senseless but entertaining), Suspiria (1977), Inferno (1980) and Mother of Tears (2007). That should get you started! ALTERNATE TITLE: Also released as Beyond the Door II.
This film is very, very, very slow. Not a slowburn, but just plain slow. It takes us forever to get to the point–which, by the way, I do NOT think is an actual sequel to Beyond the Door (1974). Perhaps in theme, although that’s it. But in the mean time we suffer through perhaps the most disastrously poorly scored horror film I’ve seen in a long time–and yes, I’m including synth scores. LOL.
Dora (Daria Nicolodi; Phenomena, Mother of Tears), her young son Marco (David Colin Jr.; Beyond the Door) and his stepfather Bruno (John Steiner; Caligula) move into a new home to find that Marco isn’t handling the transition so well. He behaves strangely and rather casually threatens to kill his mother. I think we can all agree that is NOT normal. Meanwhile Bruno secretly keeps the basement locked, yet somehow Marco keeps getting down there. I’m guessing we’ll discover some dark family secret down there later. Way to be subtle.
It turns out Dora had a tortured mental history after the suicide of her drug-addled first husband. And now it turns out their new home was her old home…where he killed himself! Bruno somehow doesn’t see how this would pose a problem. Dora is paranoid and being haunted by her bedroom furniture and spectral boxcutters, young Marco continues to act out, and Bruno is blind to anything out of the ordinary. Ultimately there is a twist, and I couldn’t care less.
Now I’m no Italian horror expert, but Mario Bava seems to tell a much more organized story than the typically haphazard Dario Argento or Lucio Fulci ever did. The problem, however, is that his easy-to-follow story has nothing interesting in it! I criticize Argento and Fulci to no end in my reviews. But make no mistake, they always manage to entertain me. This hardly boasts enough to keep my eyes open.
This was Mario Bava’s (Black Sabbath, A Bay of Blood) final feature film, and the only one I’ve seen so far. The quality presented here doesn’t exactly make me want to venture through his back catalog. I’m not saying this may not have been decent back in 1977, but by my 2016 standards this is awful. And not like “fun” awful–just plain awful, and dreadfully boring. My only joy that came from this movie experience has been writing about it. Sorry, Bava.
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John’s Horror Corner: Gothic (1986), the perverse story behind Mary’s Shelley’s Frankenstein.
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MY CALL: Perverse, intense, sensual, and just plain weird, this fictionalized historical horror about Mary Shelley and Lord Byron makes for an interesting watch loaded with before-they-were-stars. MOVIES LIKE Gothic: Along the Frankensteinian theme one may venture Victor Frankenstein (2015), The Bride (1985), Re-Animator (1985) and Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1994).
I tend not to trust folks who stand in front of their own paintings of themselves.
This tells the fascinating story of how a modern horror legend came to be—in a heavily fictionalized sense, anyway. As we are introduced to our characters, we find their extravagant lifestyles are punctuated by hedonism, male sexual dominance and the entitlements of severe classist elitism. They are most extreme in pleasure, manor stricture, and delights.
Before her Sex and the City days.
Lord Byron (Gabriel Byrne; End of Days, Stigmata) hosts his guests Shelley (Julian Sands; Warlock, Arachnophobia), the future Mary Shelley (Natasha Richardson; Big Trouble in Little China) and Clair (Myriam Cyr; Species II) along with Byron’s doctor Polidori (Timothy Spall; Sweeney Todd, The Bride). The cast alone is reason enough to see this perverse film.
Like a vampire, Lord Byron breeds emotional and social intensity, drawing more than an occasional discomfort from his controlled guests. What’s more is their collective sexual nature. It’s not homoerotic nor bisexual really, but rather a sort of pansexuality; a pervasive general sensuality. Think Interview with a Vampire (1994) while being less polite about it.
They gather together and tell ghost stories with perverse tones, speak in poetic seduction of the mind and body, engage in voyeurism and orgy, and lead one another into deep creativity and hysteria. All manner of nightmare fuel accosts their minds from the ghastly nocturnal homunculus to the blinking eye-nippled woman, perhaps the most iconic scene of the film. It’s strikingly weird; even other-worldly.
Our guests descend into madness as they mesh polyamory and paranoia, erring on the side of madness. They envision everything from dead fetuses to animated disembodied heads.
And they crawl around in muddy dungeon filth.
Director Ken Russell (Altered States, The Lair of the White Worm) has a flair for melodrama. But it is deliberate and perhaps appropriate given his aims to paint our storytellers as creators; creators of their horrors within.
This film tiptoes the line separating ludicrous bad horror and brilliant mania. I recommend it to general horror fans whose taste spans all manner of quality and style, since this film is a bit hard to classify.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: China O’Brien (1990), small town crime lords, spin kicks, confused law men and Cynthia Rothrock.
MY CALL: This is on the better side of the Cynthia Rothrock movie spectrum. It’s highly stupid, but highly entertaining if you are in a “bad movie” mood. MOVIES LIKE China O’Brien: Well, don’t watch Outside the Law (2002) or Night Vision (1997) unless you’re looking for proper Bad Movie Tuesday material. They are awful! You might also try the Brazilian remake of China O’Brien called Only the Strong (1993) or the “old white guy” re-imagining Walker, Texas Ranger (1993-2001). Clearly Rothrock has left her mark in cinema history!
Written and directed by the legendary Robert Clouse (Enter the Dragon, Game of Death, Gymkata), this is far better than the likes of Outside the Law (2002) or Night Vision (1997) but falls far short of a Bruce Lee movie. Clouse has handled fine martial artists on screen before and understands how to stage tandem techniques (6-12 techniques per cut) to provide an enjoyable action movie experience for martial arts fans and general (bad movie) action fans alike. But even though Rothrock is capable of some impressive stunts please make no mistake, this absolutely is a Bad Movie Tuesday quality movie! LOL.
After a grown-ass man in a mid-drift belly t-shirt doubts the practical utility of martial arts in front of his karate instructor (Cynthia Rothrock; Night Vision, Outside the Law, Undefeatable) and her class, he challenges China to a back alley fight with five guys. “You and five guys,” he says. Is that 5 on 5, her plus 5 against him plus 5… or 5 on her? Because this sounds vaguely like an invitation to a gang rape. Well, we never find out what it was meant to be because China (big city police officer by day and martial arts instructor by night) gets ambushed by a gang of random criminals in the alley that evening and, because of an otherwise justified shooting resulting in the death of a minor, China surrenders her badge.
To clear her head China returns to her little home town to stay with her father, the local sheriff. She’s in town not 10 minutes before accidently offending all the Podunk townies with her nice clothes and big fancy words—clearly “she thinks she’s better than us.” So a silly bar fight ensues with her in her nice clothes, a man “attacks” her by grabbing her butt, and she kicks down a group of guys like dominoes like something out of a cartoon. As far as martial arts movies go, this is really campy and the setting feels a bit like Walker, Texas Ranger (1993-2001) meets Walking Tall (1973, 2004) with a dash of Roadhouse (1989).
Now Rothrock is no Jackie Chan. But she earns her title as the Queen of Martial Arts by executing stunts rarely seen performed by white actors and outside of Hong Kong cinema. She nails aerial cartwheels from higher ground and does all manner of physics defiant strength maneuvers all the while narrating the names and utility of the techniques like a Shaolin master teaching her pupil in some 1970s Kung Fu Theater flick—which she thankfully stops doing after the opening fight scene. It’s so corny, but it’s surely enjoyable as long as you weren’t expecting anything serious. Compared to this, Van Damme is 100% straight-faced serious. Oh, and evidently Rothrock is a T-800 series Terminator because she never appears to be phased by having someone twice her size punch her in the face!
What’s really “interesting” about the action choreography is that that “characters” are just as good at things as the “actors” are. For example, Rothrock has kicked someone like 10,000 times—so when she kicks someone the kick looks good. But an actor that hasn’t “been kicked” too often looks like a stuntman school dropout in this movie and, worse yet, an actor who has never strangled someone will offer up the least inspired strangling scene on record. You basically sit there wishing the strangling assassin would die from his own poor technique.
Nobody panic. It’s just a dead hooker.
This movie also has no sense of pacing. We go from a contemporary Kung Fu theater flick with lots of technical action, to a long run of boring exposition and painful acting, and then find our point of conflict when China’s dad dies in an exploding car assassination and we see her (and her boobs) run and jump in slow motion. Then the movie shifts to nothing but fights—lots of them. China didn’t know how long she’d be in town, but now we know she’ll stay until she avenges her father and takes down the local crime lord.
Within days of leaving her big city job China is running for sheriff to replaced her murdered father so she can take on a syndicate of shockingly poorly organized small town criminals.
So what makes this a bad movie? Here are a few clues:
- The town is protected by a “seasoned career sheriff” who seems to know nothing about the law. And he’s subsequently replaced by his daughter who constantly breaks the law to enforce it.
- Slow motion boob running for the sake of slow motion boob running.
- The sound effect of bowling pins when kicking down five guys at once.
- Car explosions. Multiple car explosions. 80s and 90s movies loved bad guys who killed people with car bombs. I’m not sure why.
- A completely unexplained Australian accent in BFE, Utah. This character Matt (Richard Norton) grew up with China, so he presumably lived in the town since the late 1950s.
- Crime “lords” that bother with tiny towns. Of course, these criminals seem to really suck at crime.
- Criminals being deputized the day after being arrested for attempted murder and posting bail (imaged below). And to make up for it, China deputizes a bunch of Matt’s high school gym class students who run around town punching bad guys with deputy badges pinned to their tank tops!
- No explanations whatsoever, for ANYTHING! (see items 1-7…and 9-11)
- Using the ass-grab technique as a viable bar fight attack. The fight already started and everyone there wants to knock China out. So, wild haymaker to the face or…perhaps…ass grab? Good choice. Ass grab.
- A one-handed Native American ninja (Dakota) who inexplicably couldn’t fight until he lost his hand—and, speaking of which, I didn’t know that stepping on someone’s hand resulted in amputation! How and where did this guy learn to fight? And why couldn’t he fight at all before?
- This is a big one. China’s name “China” is never explained—but I figure it’s to make us associate Rothrock’s character with Asian martial arts. But she (Rothrock and her character) was born in the late 50s and grew up in a small, ill-educated town that probably lost a lot of men to American wars, and China and America went to war in the early 1950s. It was kind of a big deal! So wouldn’t her dad think better of naming her after a rather hated country at the time?
Rothrock actually shares the fighting screen spotlight almost equally with her two martial artist co-stars Richard Norton (Mad Max: Fury Road, Roadhouse 2: Last Call) and Keith Cooke (Mortal Kombat). The spin kicks are abundant but never awesome, the plot points are idiotic, and there’s nothing wowing to be found here. You’ll be consistently entertained but you won’t get piss drunk and try to emulate any of it with your friends…like I did after watching Van Damme movies in the 90s.
What is he even doing here!?!?!?!
Setting his stump from stun to kill?
This movie is not good, but it can be really entertaining if you walk into it with the right Bad Movie Tuesday frame of mind. Keep in mind, nothing is going to make sense in this movie. So if you can decide ahead of time that something like this would be funny, then you’ll come out of this a winner! I did! And I actually expected a totally serious R-rated action movie like the old Jeff Speakman (The Perfect Weapon, Street Knight) and Steven Seagal (Hard to Kill, Under Siege) days.
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Stranger Things: A Modern Blast From the Past
Stranger Things is a nostalgic romp that brings the scares and Jaws references. I just watched all eight episodes and I think they are the best thing on television since True Detective season one (Fargo season two is close). A lot of the press surrounding the show has focused on how influenced it is by films like Jaws, Evil Dead, The Thing and anything Stephen King (King Steve). I get that it has many influences, but in a day and age of remakes, reboots, spin-offs, sequels, prequels and spiritual sequels I like that we got an original story that wears its influences on its sleeve and is unapologetic about it.
What I find most impressive is how The Duffer brothers were able to create/write/direct something that didn’t feel like a cheap imitation of what they loved when they were growing up. They took the greatest hits of their childhood and formed their own story. It would be too easy to create something without a soul and simply call it nostalgia (Jurassic World). Instead, they crafted likable characters, new worlds and a killer soundtrack in order to surprise the world. Stranger Things feel familiar but a lot of it is unexpected. I’d compare it to The Rolling Stones covering The Beatles. You know the songs, but it all feels new because we are hearing different interpretations of the songs.
Stephen King appreciates the copying.
Stranger Things centers around the hunt for a young boy who was dragged into a place called “the upside down” by a badass monster (viva la practical effects!!!). The ensuing manhunt brings together an eclectic group of characters who all have moments to shine. Whether it be the boy’s mom Joyce (Winona Ryder), brother Jonathan (Charlie Heaton) or his best friends Mike, Dustin and Lucas (Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin) they all have something to do. Add in local police chief Jim Hopper (David Harbour) and likable teenagers Nancy (Natalia Dyer) and Steve (Joe Keery) and you have a neat ensemble of people you like.
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My favorite character is 11 (Millie Bobby Brown). 11 has special “Professor X” powers and was raised to become a weapon by her “papa” Dr. Martin Brenner (Matthew Modine). However, something goes terribly awry, and she escapes from the evil government facility (very Amblin) and gets taken in by the trio of young kids. Throughout the show 11 puts herself in a lot of hurt to help others. She has seen things nobody else should see yet she keeps plugging along to help others and enjoy some Eggo waffles. Millie Bobby Brown has one of the most emotive faces I’ve ever seen. A lot is asked of her and she knocks everything out of the park. She is the true breakout star of Stranger Things and her character is going to become a fan favorite.
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I don’t want to get into spoiler territory because watching it unsullied was an absolute delight. I am still amazed at the pacing of the episodes and I kept expecting the energy to lag. The eight-episode season was a wise decision because there isn’t enough time for things to drag. I really like Netflix’s Daredevil and Jessica Jones but I’ve always felt that their 13-episode seasons were too long. Things get drawn out in the middle, and it seems like the creators are treading water to fill all the episodes. Stranger Things plows headlong towards a pretty great conclusion.
Stranger Things is drenched in 1980s set design and the soundtrack was carefully chosen to draw nostalgic responses from the audience. I had a lot of fun picking out the film references and my favorite moment involves bicycles and something flying in the air. The score is a nice call back to the days when John Carpenter (Halloween, The Thing, Escape From New York) was crushing synth scores that are still popular today. Check out the opening score and I guarantee you will want this blaring in your car.
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I loved every second of Stranger Things and I applaud the Duffer brothers for creating something more than a bland copy. Watch Stranger Things now and appreciate every second of the 80s (and some 70s) awesomeness!
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