The Best Fights of Nicholas Sparks Films
Hello all. Mark here.
“There’s nothing more enduring than first love.”
That is the quote that opens up Nicholas Spark’s new movie The Best of Me. I reworked that quote to fit this post
“There’s nothing more enduring than watching Kevin Costner engage in an all out brawl in a romantic film written by Nicholas Sparks”
I recently watched the totally pointless 1999 film Message in a Bottle. The book was written by Nicholas Sparks and the adaptation cemented down a blueprint for the following Spark’s films (lots and lots of melodrama). Amid all the schmaltz there was one scene that really stuck out. During a morning breakfast at a diner Kevin Costner gets into a slugfest with his deceased wife’s brother that involves chairs, tables and butt kicks. It feels totally out-of-place and it got me thinking about other fights in Nicholas Spark’s films.
The fights go down like this. A one-dimensional jerk does something jerky and the hero punches him. I went through the fights and deduced that the Message in a Bottle brawl is the best of the bunch due to the sheer randomness of it. It is refreshing to have a brawl between two grown men who have a decent feud.
1. Message in a Bottle
The fight in Message is a sudden blast of middle-aged violence. Costner is enjoying a morning coffee when an unnecessarily angry man walks into the restaurant and starts running his mouth. The two obviously have a past and by the look of the restaurant owner’s face they’ve fought before. Costner says something snarky and the dude runs towards the table. Here is where it gets interesting! In a true veteran moment Costner kicks a chair at the guy then picks him up easily and slams him on a table. Costner gets pulled back by a restaurant patron and because of this he gets kicked in the butt. A couple more punches are thrown and the two go their separate ways.
I couldn’t find the fight so I will show you a picture of Kevin Costner in The Postman. How cool would it be if his Postman character found the message in the bottle? Mind blown! You are welcome Hollywood.
2. The Last Song
The fight scene from The Last Song exemplifies the one-dimensional jerk character of Spark’s films. In this instance of fisticuffs we get a druggy named Mark interrupting a fancy wedding via all around jerkiness. He throws water in his ex-girlfriend’s face then pulls a crowbar out of his old truck to go to work on Liam Hemsworth. Liam disarms the jerk then engages some solid clinch work and lands several uppercuts which push the jerk to the ground. He then throws some unnecessarily angry ground and pound which leaves the jerk with a legit bloody nose. The problem is that once Liam saves the day his mom totally punks him out in front of the crowd (Spark’s parents are always a pain in the butt).
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3. A Walk To Remember
Incredibly jerky teenagers mock poor Mandy Moore because of a circulating picture. These kids are really really really mean. Not in the normal way. They are mean in the “we were written for the screen” kind of way. However, the tides turn quickly as Shane West walks into the room and gives the bully a solid two-handed push. The bully pushes back, then turns and yells at his girlfriend (worst kid ever). The good news is that when he turns around West pops him with a legit sucker punch. Some guy comes in to break it up and he gets pushed into oblivion (seriously, I don’t know where he went after the push). Then, the bully does some rock fingers and says “we’re through.” He calls West a “chicken sh#t” which doesn’t make sense because he is the one bullying women and throwing rock fingers. Did I mention he was throwing rock fingers whilst looking like a Puddle of Mud über fan (no offense to casual Puddle of Mud fans)?
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4. Dear John
Channing Tatum wipes out poor Randy (Scott Porter) and ends up breaking little Tim’s (Henry Thomas) nose. The fight is the quintessential jerky friend zone guy battling the quiet and intense love interest. Poor Randy is in the wrong place at the wrong time and he gets taken down with a punch and a head/leg sweep. It is really embarrassing for the poor friend zone guy. However, Randy was out of his league and is dealt with in a very Tampa sort of way (way too violent).
I couldn’t find the fight but you can see most of it in the trailer.
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5. The Best of Me
The Best of Me is garbage. It takes excellent actors James Marsden and Michelle Monoghan and gives them a script written by a romance sociopath. The fights in Best of Me revolve around the Boyd Crowder wannabe father beating up an old man and his 17-year-old son (who is actually a 25-year-old Australian). The only good moment in these punch fests is when the 25-year-old Australian catches one of his father’s punches. PLEASE do not watch this movie. It hurts the soul. I understand if you are a Sparks completest but know it is almost worse than Nights in Rodanthe.
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Runner ups!
1. Zac Efrons dismantling of Biff’s (angry ex-husband who is an angry cop) gun. it is quick, slick and prevents further dust ups.
2. Julianne Hough’s incredibly violent and deadly bunkhouse brawl with another massive jerk in Safe Haven.
3. James Marsden’s wrench work in Best of Me. He is sneaky like Mr. Deed’s butler but it is all for naught. I really don’t like this movie.
4. Paul Newman’s shove work in Message in a Bottle. He is great in Message. The ending is absolutely insane.
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Predestination: A Man Walks Into a Bar
A man walks into a bar……ouch.
Predestination tells the joke like this: A man walks into a bar and unloads a doozy of a story on the bartender…….Your brain hurts.
Where do I start? When you attempt to explain the plot of Predestination it leads you through a rabbit hole of moments that will undoubtedly leave the listener/reader scratching their head. The film is rife with twists and turns that demand the attention of the viewer. It is ambitious film making that expands upon Robert Heinlein’s short story All You Zombies without stretching it thin. The Australian production reunites directors Michael and Peter Spierig (Daybreakers) with Ethan Hawke and introduces the world to the wonderful Sarah Snook
You could call this a 12 Monkeys, Cloud Atlas, Primer and Looper hybrid but that would be all wrong. You could call it a deep film or simply a kiddie pool disguised as an Olympic swimming pool. The ending will either blow your mind or make you smack your forehead because you hadn’t predicted it. To discuss the plot in length would give away too many spoilers. I will say that Predistination starts with a conversation inside a bar and builds from there.
The following 90 minutes packs in several lifetimes of story within one streamlined movie. It is ambitious film making that lives and dies upon the performance of Sarah Snook. Snook is able to pull off humor, despair, confidence, physicality and several hair cuts. She is incredible and you can tell she trusted the directors 100%.
What I appreciate most about Predestination is the adherence to big themes on a budget. The rumored budget was $17 million and you can see it all on-screen. The directors and production designer created multiple worlds that look believable and original. The props like the guitar case time travel machine and guns are wonderfully designed and add a neat layer to the film. The combination of location shooting and set building stretched the budget to the limit and allowed the directors to shoot various scenes while Snook went through hours of makeup. They shot in 50 different locations and somehow packed it into 32 days. I’d wager that each day pushed to 16 hours in order to achieve the ambitious film.
I love that Predestination exists. It pushes the genre boundaries and stresses performances instead of set pieces. the limited budget forced creative set design and you can see the love poured into it. I can’t wait to read the various fan theories that will undoubtedly be released.
If you’ve watched the film here is a timeline I found on reddit.
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The MFF Podcast is Here!
Hello all. Mark here.
The MFF podcast is here! We’ve teamed up with Shark Dropper Studios to bring you a podcast that will shake the foundations of this earth and revolutionize the art of talking. If you’ve been reading the site for sometime you know that John (The Horror Maestro/Leviathan/Bombardier) and I have created a unique style that integrates intelligence, cheekiness and a love of cinema. Whether covering mainstream/non-mainstream/incredibly non-mainstream horror or studying Jason Statham movie posters we want to bring the readers something new.
This podcast will be a celebration of all things random and cinematic. The folks at Shark Dropper and our wonderful host John (O’)Lasavath embrace the random spirit and together we hope you build a podcasting empire that will be enjoyed for years to come!
You can download the podcast on Itunes or stream it on the Shark Dropper website.
We hope you enjoy! If you have any questions or want to hear us cover a certain subject let us know.
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Horror movies are so much better when you like the characters being harassed. It is a very simple formula. When you add likable three-dimensional characters to a terrible situation you become invested.
You know a movie is good when you can remember the character names. Whether it be a villain (Leatherface, Freddy, Jason, Norman Bates or those damn birds) or a survivor (Laurie Strode, Ripley, Rosemary, Ash) you know the people made an impression when you can remember their names. I just watched the terrible film Annabelle and I don’t remember any of the character names and am actively trying to forget the name Annabelle.
That being said I felt really bad for Bea (Rose Leslie) and Paul (Harry Treadaway). They are a likable newly wed couple who simply want to spend a week in a remote cabin. What could go wrong? What director/co-writer Leigh Janiak does well is use her location and excellent actors to perfection. Leslie and Treadaway have a lived in chemistry that feels real which allows the proceedings to break your heart and make you cringe. The stripped down and streamlined aesthetic of this indie film works fantastically with the two character story.
Their honeymoon moves along swimmingly until one night when Paul finds Bea standing hypnotically in the woods. She starts acting differently and forgetting how to do the most mundane things. She can’t make coffee, doesn’t understand the basics of French toast and won’t make love to her husband. Things only get more depressing as the film movies towards its inevitable yet unexpectedly squishy finale.
The film hit home with me because I am a recent newlywed and couldn’t imagine going through this scenario. If a body snatcher infects my wife with something funky I would be destroyed. How do you deal with that? Especially, when the person is there but not really there. Honeymoon plays with your emotions via solid acting and an adherence to tension.
Little horror films like Honeymoon don’t come around very often. They take a familiar subject (body snatching) and make something original out of it. It doesn’t reinvent the wheel but it gets a lot of mileage out of its story. Rose Leslie and Harry Treadaway fully commit themselves to whatever is thrown their way and they draw you in with their chemistry. First time feature director Janiak handles the tension building well and you can tell she has thought this movie out with great detail.
Watch Honeymoon. Hate squishy things. Hope Leslie holds her own in the upcoming Vin Diesel witch hunter movie.
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Did Ti West seriously just sit back and let the marketers put a spoiler on the movie poster!?!?! “Live as one. DIE as one.”
MY CALL: Very much a mixed bag. The ending…so terrible…the cult leader’s mid-movie performance…so effing beautiful…it’s like watching a unicorn thrashing around in a puddle of shit. You hate the smell, but you can appreciate the beauty of the beast. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Sacrament: There are better films about cults out there, I’m sure I just can’t think of most of them. It’s not horror, but how about the mysteriously atmospheric Sound of My Voice (2011)? It was great! And I’m no fan of Red State (2011), which is more on the brutal side, but it has no less to offer than this film.
A recent review (by our MoviesFilmsandFlix founder) rightly summarized this film as predictable and “middle of the pack” and something which veered far from the Ti West standard of atmospheric suspense. While I totally agree with the first part of this criticism (not the atmosphere part), I feel there were things that West accomplished making this film worthwhile. The Sacrament is a film that begins with good intentions, middles into an effective brainwashed atmosphere of a delusory paradise, but ends poorly.
Our story begins when a film crew (including A. J. Bowen of The Guest, You’re Next, Chillerama and Joe Swanberg of V/H/S, Cabin Fever 2) travels to another country (probably in South America) where a crew member’s sister (Amy Seimetz; You’re Next) has traveled with her commune to set their roots in Eden Parish and give up all their worldly belongings to the financial discretion of a man they call Father (Gene Jones; Oz the Great and Powerful). Father, how about that? That’s not shady at all, is it? Father is a southern, mild-mannered, elderly fellow who feels like a mix of a tent evangelist-soul healer, a plantation owner, and someone you’d find on a park bench in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997) sipping a mint julep while walking an overly-groomed terrier. The air about him wreaks of pleasantly-mannered manipulation and overtones of a semi-humble Messiah complex. He seems, at times, to be simultaneously simple yet clearly quite methodical.
He comes out into the crowd like a humble rock star.
“Father is a southern, mild-mannered, elderly fellow who feels like a mix of a tent evangelist-soul healer, a plantation owner, and someone you’d find on a park bench in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997) sipping a mint julep while walking an overly-groomed terrier.”
He warms up the crowd with a lot of hand waving and applause like one of those electric guitar-toting ministers.
The film crew sets out to investigate the nature of Father’s paradise Eden Parish, and Father does a fine job manipulating his interviewer into joining his audience as he grandstands (in lieu of answering questions) about the villainy of their past materialistic lives of sin and their enlightened way of life and togetherness in which they now bask. And the lord of the baskers, Father, is so pleased with himself as he presents his sermon–like a well-fed lizard warming its belly on a hot stone. But as our crew meets more parishioners, there are a few red flags in paradise denoting that the peacekeeping and serenity may be managed more with fear and brainwashing than a happy sense of community. All of this is executed very well and it crafts an unnerving atmosphere, even when they present the obvious mute girl who would undoubtedly reveal something later (i.e., a classic harbinger trope). But this is where we lose sight and things falls apart for both Father and Ti West alike.
“Something’s just not right about these people.”
“Something’s just not right about the third act of this story!”
Eventually the shit hits the fan and, with it, so does all of the cult credibility that “the interview scene” had so strongly edified with a tone of unflagging fanatical mania. I can’t help but to think that Father’s protective and paranoid nature wouldn’t have circumvented the invasive film crew’s motives and their effect on his proselytized followers. Surely Father would have previously overcome other investigators, cult de-programmers, concerned family members and the like, and probably more savvy ones than we meet in this film who come unprepared to another continent in a wilderness seemingly devoid any law or rule outside of Father’s word.
To avoid dwelling on the particulars of the tragic ending, I’ll just say that by the middle of this film I was captivated by Father’s ability to deceive and distort and misguide, and by the end I was completely underwhelmed by a weakly executed massacre that came about with all of the preparation and build-up of someone randomly pulling a middle school fire alarm. I was waiting for the grand revelation behind Father’s cult…a demon of some sort, devil worship, human sacrifices (perhaps the invited film crew), possession, preparation for the apocalypse…? There was none; no mystery at all to be found. Very disappointing. VERY.
Directed by Ti West (The Innkeepers, House of the Devil, V/H/S, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever) and produced by Eli Roth (Hostel, Green Inferno), The Sacrament is a found footage-style mixed bag based on (or, more accurately, strongly modeled after) the true story of a cult that relocated to Guyana and committed mass suicide, known as the Jonestown Massacre of 1978. In the end, the only thing this film brought to the table was a great mid-movie performance by Gene Jones and a solid culty atmosphere. And while these positive aspects do occupy about the middle 50% of the film, they alone don’t make this film recommendable to the general horror audience. It was worth it to me, though.
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Trailer Talk: The Void, an unfinished Lovecraftian horror labor of love that needs your help
This is an article from 2015 and only assesses the short film that was used to crowd-fund the making of the feature length film: The Void (2016).
CLICK HERE to read the full review of The Void (2016).
So, there’s a new concept trailer for a horror movie that is so fresh you won’t even find it on IMDB yet from the writer/director team Steven Kostanski and Jeremy Gillespie, the guys who made Manborg (2011) and ABCs of Death 2‘s “W is for Wish” (2014)….which was probably the most balls-off-the-wall bonkers short film of the anthology. Remember the short with the kids playing with some “Castle Greyskull” looking toy set and action figures who are then magically transported into that fantasy/horror world? Yeah, that was the one.
This new film coming up called The Void @VoidMovie. The concept trailer just dropped and it is creepy, dark, and smacks of Cthulu! The effects are all practical and they compare themselves to The Thing in that respect. Please take a look:
The scenes they have shot utilize beautiful camera work with creepy imagery. Words that come to mind are dark, creepy, gory, gross, atmospheric, Lovecraftian and tentacular!
Learn more about this film and how to be a part of making it happen visit here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-void–10
I am normally not keen on supporting crowd-funded indie projects, but the work they’ve shown me in the trailer has me excited. So today I’m making an exception!
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The MFF Random Oscar Winners!: A Collection of Great Hair, lounging and Accessories
Hello all. Mark here.
The Oscars have come and gone and we are left with the emotional dump that comes from such an important night (joke). While everyone is discussing Birdman, we here at MFF are buzzing about the MFF random Oscar winners.
The awards were full of close races and some surprise runaways. It was full of intrigue, drama and a back and forth battle for Biggest A-Hole.
Here are the winners!
Best Butt-Kicker
John Wick – He kills 76 people via close combat gun work and supposedly could murder the boogeyman. Keanu Reeves is an underrated action star and I am so happy that John Wick took off.
Runner-up: Rita Vrataski – Runner up seems weird for a person who saved the world and mastered yoga.
Best Beard
Brendan Gleeson – Calvary – Gleeson’s beard in Calvary is a true man’s beard. It has a multi-colored nobility to it that says “I’ve seen some things.”
Runner up: A tie between Chris Evans (Snowpiercer) and Nic Cage (Joe). I would give the edge to Evans because his beard is more practical in his cold and dreary train world.
Worst Travel Companion
Laura – Under the Skin – If you get into a car with Laura you are done. You will be sucked into some goo and become a human jellyfish. She gives you hope and then she gives you death.
Lou Bloom – Nightcrawler – Imagine sitting in a car with this guy. He is all about himself, hates others and does not like it when you try bargaining with him.
Best Lounging
Rob and Steve – The Trip to Italy – They look comfortable, relaxed and ready to unleash impersonations. This is strategic lounging that shows off their personalities and surroundings
Runner up – Thanos – Guardians of the Galaxy – For a guy that could destroy the universe he sure likes to lounge a lot. Who built that chair? Does it have a cup holder?
Huh?
Pompeii – Pompeii is a quirky little thing that is loaded with unintentional laughs, wonky accents (British? Irish? Italian? I think Sutherland made up an accent) and the greatest bro-hug ever. Imagine if 2012, Gladiator, Bloodrayne, Titanic, Romeo & Juliet, Tristan & Isolde, Centurion, In the Name of the Kingand The Three Musketeers were mixed together then rewritten by Paul W.S. Anderson. Pompeii is an amalgamation of illogical weirdness and irrelevant fluff.
Runner up – Left Behind – I understand why Left Behind was made. Pompeii still has me confused.
Best Couple
Rocket and Groot – Guardians of the Galaxy. I can sum up their victory in three words. WE ARE GROOT!
Runner up – Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne – The dynamic duo couldn’t scare away a tree and a raccoon.
Funniest Moment
Channing Tatum goes wild in 22 Jump Street – Tatum going bananas around Ice Cube’s ice cube office never gets old.
Runner up – Seth Rogen loses fingers in The Interview – I am kinda bummed that poor Rogen lost the award. The moment was hilarious.
Best Usage of fish
HTTYD2 – A cute dragon eating fish always trumps post apocalyptic dead fish.
Runner up – Snowpiercer – The fish plays a pivotal role in a pivotal fight yet didn’t get enough love.
Who won 2014?
Chris Pratt – Guardians of the Galaxy and The lego Movie – Everything is awesome for Chris Pratt. The guy pulled off a Jackson Pollock black light joke. Much props.
Runner up – Scarjo – After Lucy, Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Under the Skin I thought she was a lock .
Best Driving
James Franco – The Interview – Do you ever feel like a paper bag floating through the wind? Well, Franco sure did. He saved the day via tank driving and Katy Perry
Runner up – Sam Jackson –Cap 2 – I seriously want to know who built his SUV of doom.
Biggest A-Hole
Tie between Matt Damon in Interstellar and The Guy With the Hair (Dominic Cooper) in Need for Speed
Matt Damon gets enough love. People need to respect the guy with the hair more. Dude was a major A-hole.
Runner up – Ronan the Underwritten – It was sorta gangster how he punked out Thanos.
Best Scoot McNairy
Tie – Gone Girl and Frank – Scott McNairy is awesome. This was the closest race of the tournament.
Runner up: Non-Stop – He almost didn’t fall prey to Liam Neeson’s skill set.
Best Accessory
The Walkman from Guardians of the Galaxy – The Walkman was a brilliant idea and it actually became a member of the cast. It also almost single-handedly brought back the cassette.
Runner up – Chris Pine’s Pompadour – It looked great but didn’t play music.
Best Hotel
John Wick’s Assassin hotel – I love how the John Wick creators created a new world via one very cool hotel. Also, the hotel served great bourbon.
Runner up – Grand Budapest Hotel (AKA a place full of wonderful stuff).
What do you think about the winners? Leave a comment!
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The 100% Totally Correct Oscar Picks
Hello all. Mark here.
The Oscars are upon us and the world’s attention is focused solely on the Best Picture race. Boyhood and Birdman are neck and neck and the best Oscar predictors are split between the two. I had a really hard time picking Birdman but its victories leading up to the Oscars give it a 54% chance to win (Thank you Gold Derby).
Another problem with predicting this years winners is the lack of a Gravity like film that sucks up all the technical awards. For instance, critics are predicting a a split in the Sound Editing (American Sniper) and Sound Mixing (Whiplash) categories. This is normally unheard of but that is where we are at with these Oscars. It is a wild year full of sure things (Arquette, Simmons, Moore) and who knows (Actor, Director, Picture).
The following picks are 100% correct and will win you any Oscar pool. Good luck!
Best Picture – Birdman
Best Director – Richard Linklater – Boyhood
Best Actor – Eddie Redmayne – The Theory of Everything
Best Actress – Julianne Moore – Still Alice
Best Supporting Actor – J.K. Simmons – Whiplash
Best Supporting Actress – Patricia Arquette – Boyhood
Best Adapted Screenplay – The Imitation Game
Best Original Screenplay – The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Visual Effects – Interstellar
Best Makeup – The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Cinematography – Birdman
Best Production Design – The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Documentary – Citizenfour
Best Song – Glory – Selma
Best Original Score – The Theory of Everything
Best Editing – Boyhood
Best Costume Design – Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Sound Editing – American Sniper
Best Sound Mixing – Whiplash
Best Animated Short – The Dam Keeper
Best Live Action Short Film – Crisis Hotline
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Hello all. Mark here.
The Oscars are upon us and the entire world has called for a truce in order to find out if Boyhood or Birdman wins Best Picture. In honor of the awards I’ve put together an alternative Oscar list that celebrates all things random. The categories include the best 2014 moments involving fish, lounging, driving and face punches.
Check out the list and vote for your favorites!
Best Butt-kicker
Rita Vrataski – Edge of Tomorrow
Artemisia – 300
David – The Guest
Rama – The Raid 2
Curtis – Snowpiercer
John Wick- John Wick
Best Beard
Macon Blair – Blue Ruin – This beard says “I’ve been through some things.”
Chris Evans –Snowpiercer – If beards could talk this beard would be very world weary and often tell folksy stories.
Brendan Gleeson – Calvary – The beard is a man’s man beard who happens to be the president of the man’s man beard club.
Nicolas Cage – Joe – This beard declares “I’m back!”
Ethan Embry – Cheap Thrils – Ethan Embry has perfected the blue-collar beard.
Worst Travel Companion
Lou Bloom – Nightcrawler
Laura – Under the Skin
Tubal Cain – Noah
Scoot McNairy – Non-Stop
Eric – The Rover
Best Lounging
Adam and Eve – Only Lover’s Left Alive
Rob and Steve – Trip to Italy
Mason – Boyhood
Godzilla – Godzilla
Thanos is his reclinomatic space chair
Huh?
The Legend of Hercules
Pompeii
I, Frankenstein
The Amazing Spider Man 2
Left Behind
Best Couple
Regina Hall and Kevin Hart – About Last Night
Groot and Rocket Raccoon – Guardians of the Galaxy
Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike – Gone Girl
Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne – Neighbors
The surprisingly loving M.U.T.O. couple in Godzilla
Funniest Moment
Finger biting in The Interview
Anything Batman in The Lego Movie
Regina Hall and the Chicken in About Last Night
Channing Tatum finds out that Jonah Hill slept with Ice Cube’s daughter in 22 Jump Street.
“I Suppose you call that a draw” from Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Usage of Fish
Snowpiercer and the case of the fish who won’t quit.
Unbroken and the sea snacks
Justin Long as a Walrus eating Fish. Tusk was weird
How to Train Your Dragon 2 and a cute dragon eating fish
Who won 2014?
Scarlett Johansson for Under the Skin, Cap 2 and Lucy
Bradley Cooper for American Sniper and Guardians
Kevin Hart for Ride Along, About Last Night and Top Five
Channing Tatum for 22 Jump Street and Foxcatcher
Chris Pratt – Guardians of the Galaxy and Lego Movie
Best Driving
Tom Hardy driving and speaking in a welsh accent – Locke
Sam Jackson and the most durable vehicle on the planet – Captain America 2: Winter Soldier
Dolph Lundgren driving a tank – Expendables 3
Scarlett’s van work – Under the Skin
Franco’s tank driving and singing of Katy Perry – The Interview
Biggest A-Hole
Ronan the Underwritten – Guardians of the Galaxy
The Bird – Unbroken
The surprise cameo in Interstellar who turns out to be a massive A-hole. – Interstellar
The Guy With the Hair (AKA Dominic Cooper) – Need for Speed
The tornado from Into the Storm – Into the Storm
Best usage of Scoot McNairy
Scoot as a depressed musician – Frank
Scoot as an angry passenger – Non-Stop
Scoot as an angry motorist -The Rover
Scoot as a jilted lover – Gone Girl
Best Accessory
Star Lord’s Walkman in Guardians of the Galaxy
Chris Pine’s Into the Woods pompadour
Liam Neeson’s Non-Stop cell phone
The Shoe from Snowpiercer
The Kragle in The Lego Movie
Best Hotel
John Wick’s assasin hotel
Grand Budapest Hotel
The Charming hotel in Fault in our Stars
The Signal’s office/hotel room with a cool looking bathroom
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A certified bro’s perspective on Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)
WARNING: If you liked this movie or the book, you will probably be offended by this review. There, I said it.
Don’t be curious. The movie isn’t worth it.
MY CALL: Not sexy, not limit-testing, not hot’n’steamy. This was like a “hard PG-13” film for young adults. MORE FROM “a certified bro”: Try some mommy issues, poor communication and dangerously unrecommended travel in the spirit of girly independence with Blue Crush 2 (2011). Want more? Try Beautiful Creatures (2013) in which Carrie meets Titanic in the form of an angsty supernatural high school love story. There’s just something about teenagers talking about destiny that makes me angry.
DISCLAIMER FROM A CERTIFIED BRO: Not sure how the introverted teenage girl target audience felt about this. But I’m a 34 year old certified bro and a Jersey Italian and this film made me roll my eyes so much I was getting dizzy. I live for bench pressing, Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, bicep tattoos and high-fiving alcohol-based accomplishments. Maybe if you grew up on Hannah Montana, this film could be for you. Me? I happened not to read the book. I think I was busy hocking loogies, thinking up new dick jokes or doing push-ups or something.
It was a day like any other when my loving girlfriend suggested we go see Fifty Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day weekend. In the spirit of being a good boyfriend looking to reap the benefits of seeing a sexy movie with her I, of course, succumbed to this otherwise seemingly reasonable request. I mean, it’s a movie about sex and bondage and dominants and submissives; there’s nudity and sex and dirty talk. This should be a blast even if I don’t care about the romantic angle, right? WRONG!
Add a few melodramatic tears and this image pretty much sums up the movie. BTW, I didn’t mach-up this image, I think it came from Perez Hilton’s website.
Not since some lovesick, glittery, bloodsucking Edward loaded with teen angst and in need of some bored looking Kristin Stewart to fill the void in his eternal life have I been so unmoved by two young adults’ yearning to be together. Five movies that Twilight franchise lasted…FIVE! Is it just me, or is that a lot of screen time to devote to a group of anemic high schoolers who haven’t showered the glitter off since their last trip to the champagne room? Well, thankfully the Twilight Saga (2008-2012) has come to an end. But just when I thought I was done with sparkly vampires and it was safe to let women pick the movies again, this shit happens! And guess what, bros? This is the first of what will result in no fewer than three theatrical releases in the saga of Grey.
I kept hearing about the intense chemistry and steaminess of this story. If that’s the case then this was the chemistry of slowly solidifying water into ice and then using that to sooth the hemorrhoid-plagued sphincter of an elderly man in a steamy sauna. If you thought there was chemistry then you’ve probably not seen enough movies to recognize a stale script and if you thought the sex scenes were “steamy” then I’m guessing you have little basis for comparison other than the pages of this book. So sorry if you’re offended, but this isn’t exactly A Certified Feminist Young Adult Novelist’s Perspective…it’s A Certified Bro’s, and I don’t hold hands and say prayers and supportive crap about keeping your clothes on at abstinence club meetings.
Oh “GASP”, they’re disrobing and taking a well lit bath together in his immaculate marble empire. Someone alert Perez Hilton of this SCANDALOUS scene! What bondage act will he conduct upon her swooned body? A sponge bath, folks. A tender, loving sponge bath. However did they slip this raunchy scene under the MPAA’s nose.
For those of you trapped in the northeast blizzards with record snowfall who are worrying about just how you’re going to go see Grey find love in the form of his “one and only” kneeling in the corner like a whipped dog…please get a hold of yourself and be less desperate. When you’re snowed into your house, the electricity is out, you’ve rendered your dog’s fur to fend off hypothermia and you’re just a few perishable sundries away from softening Ramen noodles in your toilet bowl for survival…when you’re so desperate you’d eat “toilet Ramen”…just understand that this is how desperately I wanted to escape my seat in that movie theater.
The dialogue in this train wreck of a film was so grossly over-exposed and mind-numbingly dumbed down it’s as if the director and screenwriter were following a “no student left behind” program. Things are so over-explained that they feel staged and unrealistic. There’s a scene where Anastasia (our female lead character) is interviewing Grey (the dominant, metrosexual anti-bro) and she asks about his hobbies outside of work. In response, as if Mike “The Situation” had just dropped a rufy in her buttery nipple shot, he answers “I like to test physical limits” while staring into her eyes like some frat boy acquaintance rapist about to get ambushed by the “To Catch a Predator” guys.
“Do you like to test physical limits, Anastasia? No? Okay…well do you like tequila and Vegas Bombs?”
Later she jokingly calls him a control freak. To which he unjokingly replies as he gazes at her like a lion to a limping gazelle in the African Savannah: “I exercise control in all things.” Of course, this meant-to-be intense line was followed up by tender kisses. BARF!
I went in expecting something fun and walked out having endured an utter cinematic failure. The romantic comedy (slash sex thriller) Exit to Eden (1994) had better nudity, BDSM attire, toys and even better dirty talk than Grey!
“How can I fulfill your fantasy?” –slave
“Go paint my house.” –Rosie
Considering that Exit to Eden (1994) starred Rosie O’Donnell and Dan Aykroyd, I’m gonna’ go ahead and say that’s pretty damning for Grey.
But then it occurred to me. The dialogue, as inanely unrealistic as it is, fits perfectly to what I have realized to be the target demographic for this film: young adults. And I’m stressing the word young here because the ins and outs of BDSM are explained as one would to a child…as if Dora the Explorer had stumbled across a “flogger” and a ballgag and then engaged in an educational repartee with stubby infant Grey. It all seemed very UNcomplex, UNintense, UNnaughty, and one-dimensional; more like Three Shades of Grey. The other Forty-Seven Shades, and many more in your 264 count Crayola pack, can be found in Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac (2013) films. Now THAT film tested limits. Whereas Grey’s almost saccharinely sensitive sex scenes were about as intense as Leo DiCaprio’s lovemaking in Romeo & Juliet (1996), Nymphomaniac truly tested limits.
A line in the theme song “Love Me Like You Do” includes a common line “what are you waiting foooooor….?” I was thinking this every time Grey was talking about his dungeon–or, as they called it in this dumbed down Saturday Cartoon of a bondage story, his “play room.”
They claimed that they toned down Grey’s the sex scenes to appease the MPAA rating board. But I’m calling bullshit on that one. In terms of ratings-testing sex, this film was a step above Pixar films. Any drinking, drug-using teen having premarital sex in a horror movie is having raunchier sex than anything you’ll find here.
Sex in the woods while in the middle of investigating some weird noises in the middle of the night? Yes. That IS steamier than anything in Fifty Shades of Grey.
This was no more risqué than any sex scene between Jean-Claude Van Damme or Sly Stallone and their action movie love interest, and it tested fewer awkward sexual limits than an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants.
If you came for “sexy” then you’re in the wrong theater and I’d redirect you to almost any episode of Game of Thrones.
And can we talk about the name of our female star? Anastasia Steele?!?! Sounds like a very strong female presence, doesn’t she? Yet she’s nothing of the sort, not even a little, not even when she puts her foot down about not being…well….I won’t say the name of the sex act but it’s a really nasty one that I’d wince to see on film—I winced when I saw it done to someone in Nymphomaniac. Anastasia comes off as purely naïve behind her years, vulnerable (for all the wrong reasons), unsure of herself, scared, and far too easily swooned by a good-looking rich guy who takes her in a helicopter on their first date before revealing that he wants her to live with him in his condo McMansion as his sex slave. BARF! I thought movies female characters had moved beyond such materialistic impressions. Guess not.
So what was good about this movie?
Not the characters nor their development (they really never developed). They were just stagnant.
Not the dialogue…which was so fundamentally simplistic you’d think it was the movie they’d show people who were just learning English as a second language.
Not the sex scenes…nothing hot to see here that 80s and 90s action stars didn’t do better and with more sweat, passion, raunch and heat..
Not the glimpse into BDSM. Driving by an adults only sex store and looking through the window in passing would confer more insight into this alternative lifestyle subculture than watching this cinematic drivel.
Not the romance…there hardly was any. And every time you get a taste, it gets squashed shortly thereafter.
Not the ending….which was aggravating at best. It was like hitting the pause button until the sequel gets released.
I’ve got to add just one more thing here before I let you write comments about how upset you are, how you loved the movie, and how I don’t know what I’m talking about. Neither of these characters were very attractive. I had a naked girl in front of me on a 20 foot screen and don’t think my heart rate changed. The dude was maybe decent looking, but it was mostly the well-groomed hair and suit. These two were a couple of 5’s, 6’s at best. I wasn’t impressed.
In closing, I really didn’t hate this movie like my review suggests. I just have fun writing like a jerkish bro from time to time. However, I meant what I said about what (wasn’t) good about this film…pretty much nothing. I don’t recommend this film, not even for a date night. Why? Because even your girlfriend won’t like it. Mine didn’t.
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