Bad Movie Tuesday: The Commercialization of M. Night Shyamalan
In 1999 a little film entitled The Sixth Sense exploded onto the scene and became a cultural phenomena. SPOILER!!!! The creepy tale about a kid and his dead friend grossed $672 million at the box office. It was nominated for Academy Awards and cemented “I see dead people” into the cinema cannon. The director was 29 year old M. Night Shyamalan whose only prior directorial credit was a little film called Wide Awake.
Shyamalan’s next film was the now cult classic Unbreakable. It is my favorite Shyamalan film. I love how a man with weak bones is convinced there is someone who is indestructible. Sadly, the film didn’t light up the critical world like The Sixth Sense because expectations were too high and the movie wasn’t a retread. However, it found an afterlife on DVD and has a devoted following.
M. Night broke out of his sophomore semi-slump with the blockbuster Signs. Signs was a massive hit ($400 million worldwide) starring Mel Gibson as a grieving widower battling aliens. It received positive critical reception (74%RT) but rumblings started popping up in regards to certain narrative patterns and plot contrivances (water kills aliens etc…).
Times began to change for M. as his next films The Village (43%), Lady In the Water (24%) and The Happening (17%) were profitable failures. They made money but were savaged by a populace who had grown weary of the twists, turns and plotting of Shyamalan. The last nail in the coffin was the sometimes beautiful and mostly confusing The Happening in which air wiped out people’s ability to act.
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Shyamalan had swung big and missed repeatedly. His failure had become a joke and the studios were no longer interested in his original stories.
His next job was a director for hire on the live action adaptation of The Last Airbender. The film made copious amounts of money ($319 million worldwide) but was critically and publicly reviled. The Last Airbender felt like a movie by committee that wanted to quell Shyamalan’s tendencies and instead came up with a boring diet cola version of his films.
The biggest problem is Shyamalan needs a slow burn story in which he reveals layer after layer. The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable slowly lead us to beautiful actualization. They took their time and the reward was wonderful. However, his writing style doesn’t mesh well with popular cartoons adored by kids with short attention spans. Thus, he had to pack in seasons of a beloved show into one movie while trying to keep his writing and directing style alive. The result was lucrative but mediocre.
This leads us to After Earth. The story of a teenager braving the wilderness while his stern dad lectures him. The movie features monotone dialogue, wonky CGI and an abrupt ending. It is an odd film that was fairly/unfairly savaged by critics. Is it the worst film ever made? Nope. Is it good? Nope. Did it need to be dogpiled? Nope. Did it make a decent amount of money? Yep. ($243 million) Did The How Did This Get Made crew do an entertaining discussion for After Earth? Yep.
Some critics called it the “worst film ever, aside from Battlefield Earth” while others marveled at the ineptitude and simply decried the “lack of ambition.” Words such as tedious, terrible, pompous and vanity were thrown around with reckless abandon. Some called it a slight comeback, others insulted the Smith nepotism and other’s took digs at Scientology (Read it all here).
After Earth is structurally unsound and slightly bonkers. Jaden Smith had no chance as he acted in front of green screens while speaking with a quasi southern accent (I think). This movie was a no-win. Will Smith came up with the idea and M Night tried to fit that into his narrative wheelhouse. The result was an off-kilter film that in no way meshed. The biggest problem is it was rigid when it should have explored new territory. There was zero wonder or thrills because of the monotone narration and overall glossiness. After Earth should have resembled Avatar’s Pandora but instead felt like a boring day at the office.
Remember when Bruce Willis finds out he can bench press hundreds of pounds in Unbreakable? The scene was exciting because a father and his son were learning about newly realized power. A moment of basement weight lifting carried more heft and suspense than a young kid surviving a violent new world.
Shyamalan directing huge epics or adaptations reminded me of a Mitch Hedburg quote. When asked if he wanted to act Mitch replied:
I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said “alright you’re a cook… can you farm?
M. Night worked hard to tell small singular tales and was now tasked to tell huge multilevel stories. The result was bound to disappoint. He can cook up small stories but should never have been asked to make mass produced fluff.
I miss the days where he had the freedom to tell his strange tales. Some of the greatest and worst films have come from singular visions (Citizen Kane, The Room). We need auteurs who swing big. Let them miss occasionally because when they connect the films are epic. Swing away Shyamalan. Swing away. The $2,276,000,000 worldwide box office receipts don’t lie.
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John’s Horror Corner: Subspecies II: Bloodstone (1993), a worthy sequel in a solid B-movie franchise
MY CALL: This sequel sees a most welcome upgrade in effects and a small loss in character credibility, but it still does justice to the franchise. MOVIES LIKE Subspecies II: Other pseudoromantic monster movies include Subspecies (1991), Subspecies III-IV (1994-1998), Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994) and Bleeders (1997). SIDEBAR: This was filmed back to back with Subspecies III, which follows in the spirit of the franchise by picking up exactly where this movie ends.
Michelle narrates as this sequel picks up immediately where Subspecies left off: fledgling vampire vixens lay dead on the ground beside Radu’s beheaded body (Anders Hove; Subspecies, Subspecies III-IV, Critters 4).
Director Ted Nicolaou (Subspecies, Terror Vision, Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys) has stepped up his game. Right away the effects seem to have graduated from the already impressive (i.e., on a low budget) Subspecies. The claymation of Radu’s subspecies minions is green-screened more subtly and their movements are more ambitious as, for example, two of the diminutive demons work together to remove the wooden stake from Radu’s chest. As Radu’s head reattaches itself we find much more elaborate effects and creative gore than previously seen. A la The Thing (1982), arterial tendrils whip from his detached head and affix themselves to his body. As they drag his head into place is spinal cord extends outward to receive it. Already I’m impressed!
But wait, there are more new effects hailing scare-tastic fun. When Radu slays his sleeping brother (who defeated him in a the end if Subspecies), we watch as Stefan’s face sinks into a fleshy slimy mess with exsanguination. We also enjoy more creative depictions of Radu’s “shadow gliding” ability (which allows him to quickly move “through” interconnecting shadows).
Replacing Laura Mae Tate (Dead Space, Subspecies), Denice Duff (Subspecies III-IV, Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation) assumes the role of now-vampire Michelle, who was turned by Stefan in the end of Subspecies. Escaping the castle with the bloodstone and slowly learning what it means to be a vampire, Michelle turns to her sister Becky (Melanie Shatner; The Alien Within, Subspecies III, Star Trek V) for help. Meanwhile Radu turns to his “Mummy” (Pamela Gordon; Weird Science, Poltergeist II, Subspecies III, Alien Nation), a crone-like ghoul akin to an unwrapped mummy that is hungry for the bloodstone.
Embassy representative Mel (Kevin Spirtas; Friday the 13th Part VII, The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Subspecies III) and local Romanian Lt. Marin (Ion Haiduc; Subspecies III-IV, Dark Angel: The Ascent, Mimic: Sentinel) try to help Becky find her sister. They then team up with occult history Professor Popescu (Michael Denish; Subspecies III-IV, Vampire Journals) and visit the fortress where Michelle was staying (in Subspecies). Whereas the effects in this sequel are far superior to the original, these characters (including our female leads Becky and Michelle) just aren’t as strong as the protagonists in part 1. They don’t carry the scenes well and often they don’t seem confident enough for their roles. Only in the final scene do Michelle and Becky find the strength to fight Radu. Understandably, Michelle spent much of the story suffering from her transition to vampirism and the associated urges. But I just feel too much of this movie’s running time was filled with unconfident characters.
Here’s another issue. The franchise is called Subspecies yet we only see the subspecies demons in the opening scene. This sequel is called Bloodstone yet the Bloodstone seems to play really no more major part in this sequel than in the original (or part 3, FYI).
Oh, no wait. Mummy’s looking at the Bloodstone. So…this movie “is” about the Bloodstone?
The movie seems to focus just as much on Radu’s little crush on Michelle.
Accordingly, the finale is not as powerful as part 1. Yes, Radu is again defeated and yes, there’s some blood, some fire and a lot of stabbing. But it’s nothing special and has nothing as cool as the decapitation or “chandelier death” of the original. Maybe it’s not fair to compare it to the fantastic effects and gore of the opening scene, or maybe they just didn’t try as hard because Subspecies III was filmed back to back with this and they never put much thought into a “big ending” (as they clearly did for Subspecies), already being obviously aware that this was not “the end.” If that’s the case, then part 3 better have one Hell of a finale!
In either case, I very much enjoyed this and, as I’d advise you, I watched Subspecies III immediately after this for the sake of story continuity. So enjoy and stay tuned for my review of Subspecies III: Bloodlust.
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Why are there zombie hands holding her down? There are no zombies in this movie! And hey, classy artwork, by the way.
MY CALL: Ridiculous and sleazy, this had such an unreasonable amount of gratuitous sex in the first 30 minutes that I had to be periodically reminded that this was, indeed, a horror movie! MOVIES LIKE Evils of the Night: Nope. I’ve got nothing.
Written and directed by Mohammed Rustam (Eaten Alive, Evil Town), this little-known tasteless horror has a rather grindhouse plot: “Sex-hungry teens are kidnapped by auto mechanics, who take them to a rural hospital run by aliens who need their blood as the key to their own longevity.” [–IMDB]
From minute one of this classy film four teenagers are stripping down and doing drugs. It gets a bit raunchier than we’re used to for a horror movie sex scene. But before officially shifting to latenight Cinemax status they are abducted and taken to a hospital run by lesbian alien nurses dressed in uniforms like some extras from the original Star Trek series. They have power rings that shoot lasers to zap the occasional escapee. These ring-zapping lesbian nurses are led by Julie Newmar (Deep Space, Oblivion), Tina Louise (The Stepford Wives) and John Carradine (The Nesting, The Howling, The Sentinel, Buried Alive).
I know, right? Direct nipple shot!
How did they clear out that entire hospital? And what happens when an ambulance brings trauma victims to the emergency room? Do they just say “oh well, let’s try another hospital where there are people”?
By minute ten we meet our next group of bikini-clad teens engaging in nude sunbathing, lesbian sun lotion application, underage drinking, carefree promiscuity and general shenanigans. Perhaps pushing the T’n’A standards a bit too far, we’ve seen at least five pairs of breasts and two full frontals within about 30 minutes. Skin is getting a lot of screen time. I’m actually starting to feel guilty for watching this. You know, like any minute my mom might walk in and catch me watching this smut. Thankfully, after about 40 minutes this smut-fest ends and this becomes a standard entertaining B-horror with a mind-numbingly stupid plot.
These aliens came really unprepared. This is how they hold their victims until they drain their blood. Mexican kidnappers are more industrious than this!
The teen abductions are undertaken by a couple mechanics (Neville Brand of Without Warning; Aldo Ray) with chloroform. For some reason the aliens chose the most inept possible goons to do their dirty work. We learn that the aliens need victims specifically between 16-24 years old, perhaps aiming for sexually active youngsters, in order to drain their blood to prolong their lives.
Okay. Hold on a minute now. So they cast five porn stars (FIVE!), John Carradine and Julie Newmar, but this is the best they could come up with for casting the goons. On another note, why did these aliens hire two auto mechanics to do their dirty work? It seems that their lesbian nurses with power rings would have done just fine! FML! This movie makes no sense.
The sex scenes really push the envelope. I won’t go into carnal detail. There is one love scene that is deliberately scored romantically for two simultaneous sex scenes, one of which is tender, the other of which (featuring porn stars Jerry Butler and Amber Lynn) is straight up Discovery Channel raunchy! No surprise considering that a total of five porn stars were cast in this movie (including Crystal Breeze, Shone Taylor, Jody Swafford).
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
The death scenes rarely feature any blood or gore and aren’t very thoughtful. Capitalizing on the use of a high pressure air hose, however cool it could have been, was sadly squandered in brevity. But one scene involving someone’s shoelaces being tied together and a descending mechanic’s car lift made me smile. Speaking of failed effects, at one point a mechanic is shot in the neck with a laser by a spaceship in Earth’s orbit. WHAT?!?!
Alien #1: “Betcha’ I can shoot that dude with the laser from here.”
Alien #2: “You’re on!”
Oh, by the way, that laser shot from space to the neck. THE END! Yep. That was how they ended the movie! WTF!?!?!
PURE NONSENSE!
I guess I was entertained by this movie. I laughed a lot. Sometimes because I was semi-uncomfortable and sometimes because this flick is just batshit crazy stupid.
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John’s Horror Corner: Subspecies (1991), making a B+ movie out of a B-movie budget
MY CALL: The filmmakers really went for it with their low budget making a worthy vampire movie with plenty of mood and diverse effects. MOVIES LIKE Subspecies: Subspecies II-IV (1993-1998).
No. Not Amadeus. That’s the vampire king.
Banished by his father, King Vladislav (Angus Scrimm; Phantasm I-IV, Wishmaster, Munchie, Chopping Mall), Radu (Anders Hove; Subspecies II-IV, Critters 4) has returned to dethrone Vladislav and claim his birthright, the bloodstone–a relic that drips the blood of saints.
Since we can’t have a vampire movie without victims, Michele (Laura Mae Tate; Dead Space) and Lillian come to visit their Romanian friend Mara to study the local history and arrangements have been made for them to stay in a fortress conveniently near Radu’s dilapidated castle. The fortress’ stern caretaker Karl (Ivan J. Rado; Puppet Master II, Mac and Me) reveals the vampiric history of the stronghold.
Dude, that guy has like…a daddy longlegs for a hand!
Also staying in the fortress, a handsome young zoologist (Stefan) is cataloguing the local nocturnal animal life of the region. Hmmmm…I’m seeing a connection here. Stefan catches the girls’ eye and we learn he has close ties to the castle, the caretaker and even Radu. Naturally, there is a romantic link between Stefan and one of the girls whom Radu also fancies.
Stefan: “Annnnnnd I call dibs on the short-haired chick!”
Radu: “I saw her first, bro!”
Stefan: “Whatever! Come at me, bruh!”
Numerous vampire movie staples highlight the lack of originality in the story. The protagonists encounter a friend who has been turned into a vampiric enemy, there’s an important relic, a birthright, a vampire hunter, a family history, and Radu basically wants to create The Brides of Dracula…but I enjoyed this B+ movie nonetheless. Bad acting and all. One neat bit of flavor was the vampires’ ability to move “through” shadows.
Director Ted Nicolaou (Terror Vision, Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys) really went for it with Subspecies. To capture the Transylvanian mood, a bit more effort than expected went into scoring this DTV film with some culturally appropriate instruments and gothic choral music.
Considering the low budget, the filmmakers went to considerable effort to illustrate a range of effects and light gore (largely blood; some dismemberment). Radu breaks off his fingertips which then ooze and writhe on the floor until transforming into miniature demons (considered to be the “subspecies”) animated with poor CGI-like green screened claymation (but maybe back in 1991 it was okay). Thankfully, later scenes utilize some stop-motion claymation “on set” to bring these little Hellspawn to life. I liked them.
ABOVE: An example of the green screened demons, over color-corrected.
BELOW: Better Claymation demons.
Radu is the real deal. He cares not for romance like Bram Stoker’s Dracula or the annoyingly sparkling Edward, nor blending into society’s upper class like Anne Rice’s Lestat. Quite the opposite. His villainy is hammed up and narcissistic, he’s far from handsome, sleek or glittery, and he drools a lot. Radu’s make-up is interesting, mixing Bram Stoker ‘s undead eccentric with the monstrous Nosferatu. He has irregularly long fingers, a powder pale complexion, and a gaunt unflattering face with ever-visible fangs. His movements are rigid, lending credence to his cold, dead body. His fingers, by the way, are SO impractically long! He can neither make a fist nor properly grip things yet somehow he engages in a loose-gripped sword fight. I have no clue how he’d maintain his home without his little servants. How would he even get dressed?
Look at those fingers…what can you do with them?
RANT SIDEBAR: The only thing that confused me about this movie was the title: Subspecies. Are Radu’s little fingerling monsters the subspecies, or are vampires the subspecies? It would make more sense that vampires be a subspecies of human given the actual meaning of the word subspecies. However, I don’t recall the term subspecies or any comparisons between mankind, vampires or the demons as biological groups. Various reviewers and Wikipedia rather convincingly reveal that Radu’s minions are, in fact, the subspecies. But if that’s true, why on Earth would you name the movie after the creatures a vampire’s broken off fingertips turn into? They don’t even play a major role in the movie. That would be like calling Total Recall (1990) “Bug-eyed Quaid”, “Asphyxiating Aliens”, “The Three-Breasted Hooker”, “Johnny Cab Inferno” or “Five Kids to Feed.” You see what I’m getting at here? Perhaps this subspecies issue will be more transparent in parts II-IV (1993-1998) or the spinoff Vampire Journals (1997). [END RANT]
The ending offers multiple outlets for an obvious sequel and there are several.
Overall I enjoyed this. It’s a B-movie, but the filmmakers kept things serious and really tried to make the most of their budget. I’d say their efforts showed and paid off! See for yourself.
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Barbarian Queen (1985), perhaps the worst and most breasty sword and sorcery movie ever made
MY CALL: The only reason to watch this would be for your love of gratuitous nudity. As an entertaining sword and sorcery movie, this fails on all account except for having nudity. There are no monsters, magic, rituals, sacrifices, legends, journeys, sinister plans or any of that. Basically just medieval boobage. MOVIES LIKE Barbarian Queen: Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”? Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size. Like the “bad”? How about Flash Gordon (1980), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987). All of these movies are better than Barbarian Queen in every possible way except for amply breast-filled minutes of screen time.
Okay, listen. I expected nudity–fine. Any R-rated fantasy adventure movie is going to have it. As I guy, I often…ummm…don’t mind it. But I thought I was in for a cheap rip-off of Red Sonja (1985), which was released the same year. What I got was a bit much and not in the manner I prefer. In the spirit of exploitative classiness, this movie opens with sexual assault. Thankfully, the scene is not followed through and is more insinuated than anything. But rape seems to be something of a theme in this movie.
Amethea (Lana Clarkson; Deathstalker, Barbarian Queen II, The Haunting of Morella) and Prince Argan (Frank Zagarino; Waxwork II: Lost in Time, Cyborg Cop III) are getting married today. But when their village is attacked by the bad guy (I never caught his name), the wedding is forcibly postponed. Many of the villagers are killed, Taramis (Dawn Dunlap; Forbidden World) is captured, and Argan is taken captive. There are also several incidents of sexual assault mid-battle. REALLY? In the middle of a chaotic sword fight? Thankfully this rapists gets his in the form of Amethea’s sword up his ass.
Why is it that sword and sorcery movies always include sexual assault? Nude sorceress? Fine. Maybe the magic works better without the constrictions of cloth. Nude cultists? Fine. Maybe their God wants them humble or pure or something. Nude slaves? Fine. Can’t hide a weapon or steal very easily when you’re naked. Nude sex scene? Also fine for obvious reasons. We like it when our heroes are “rewarded” for their dangerous adventuring. But sexual assault? Could you really find no other good reason to fit some bare breasts in this movie? I just rattled off quite a few forgivable examples!
Furious over her village’s destruction and her groom’s abduction, Amethea swears that she will reclaim what was taken. She rescues one her naked captive friends and goes on a man-killing rampage. These fights are dumb, fun and poorly done. Amethea and her friend fight a bunch of dudes, the swords appear to be way too heavy for everyone to handle, and the girls throw in some head kicks for good measure.
This movie is all about nudity. So if you’re a teenager then you’d probably adore this. Even when the abundance of rape isn’t at play, the filmmakers find a way to include a constant feed of nudity. For example, there’s an extremely long orgy scene which is cut with other scenes to spread it out. There’s also a naked torture scene (which, based on Amazon reviews, is largely cut in the R-rated version–from the unrated version).
This movie was so bad. I never knew the names of most of the characters, and there were a lot of characters that we see consistently throughout the movie. This may actually be tied for most poorly written sword and sorcery movie ever (tied with Conquest). The entire plot was that Amethea’s groom and some other villagers were abducted for apparently no reason other than a local tyrant was simply doing tyrant things that day and he happened to come across their village. Then Amethea goes to rescue them. That’s it. That’s everything. There’s no special magical relic or sword or talisman, there’s no ritual or sacrifice, there’s no magic or monsters of any sort, there’s no legend or journey about, and there’s no sinister villainous plan. Just a smash and grab job answered by another smash and grab job with an orgy, a naked torture scene…generally just a sea of gratuitous nudity in between the beginning and end.
I guess I smiled enough to say you could enjoy this movie with a few friends and a case of beer. But just to clarify, guy friends only and very strong beer. Given all the nudity and the media of their presentation you could probably come up with a very inappropriate drinking game to celebrate this movie while developing liver disease.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond (2009), the horror genre’s answer to Jumanji
MY CALL: Greek mythology meets evil Jumanji in this formulaic, serviceable horror movie. MOVIES LIKE The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond: Open Graves (2009). SIDEBAR: This movie was released in 2009, but did not see a DVD/Blu-Ray release until 2013.
If you call yourself a fan of horror or say “I like scary movies” when really you watch a scary movie about once a month at best, then you have no business watching this movie. You won’t like it! If you’re a horrorhound who tries to watch everything then you’ll probably enjoy this. It’s not great, but it’s entertaining and has its own clichéd direct-to-DVD horror charm. This may have a cookie-cutter plot, but it also comes with a couple of clever reveals (nothing epic, but clever), festive use of gore and some funny scenes. This movie was made to be “fun” not to achieve critical acclaim, so get together with some friends, crack open a few beers and enjoy.
Long ago… Following some ancient instructions read off a wall in the Temple of Pan, a group of explorers make a board game that would best be described as a cross between Truth or Dare and evil Game of Jumanji complete with question cards, game pieces and dice. The theme of the game is Pandemonium, the mythical world of the Pans and seductive nymphs which serves as a pathway to Heaven or Hell.
Present day… Nine friends go to a Maine cabin on an island and stumble across this board game. The nine friends include Kathy (Danielle Harris; Hatchet, Friday the 13th, Halloween), Veronique (Mircea Monroe; The Change-Up, Magic Mike), Renee and Erica (Electra and Elise Avellan; Grindhouse: Planet Terror and Death Proof, Machete, Machete Kills), and Pete (Robert Patrick; True Blood, Terminator 2: Judgment Day) serves as the local horror harbinger.
“Oh, look. The game instructions are written on this scroll. Not weird at all.”
When played, this ancient game brings out the worst in its players as they take turns answering uncomfortably provocative personal questions. They do so with such uncharacteristic honesty, that it generates a lot of animosity. They start having supernatural visions and the game board starts moving on its own, but nobody notices that anything weird is going on. For reasons neither known nor explained, these twenty-somethings become possessed by “the Pandemonium” of the game and start killing each other.
There are various degrees of being possessed in this movie. Possessed (above), black evil eye possessed (below), and…
REALLY effin’ demon-horned possessed!
And bleeding-eye identical twin possessed.
The special effects aren’t much, featuring a “Pan monster” that looks like a man with a giant animatronic goat head and glowing red eyes. And attempts at jump scares lack effective enough transitions to elicit fright. But “scaring us” doesn’t seem to be the filmmakers’ goal…making us smile, however, does. As such we find that they do have some fun with the gore–they really celebrate it. Danielle Harris’ death scene was definitely my favorite.
“Wait…I die in this?”
“Oh no, Danielle Harris. I must have made a wrong turn. I’m actually looking for Allison Lohman so I can drag her to Hell with my Lamia-lookin’ ass. But while I’m stuck on this random BFE island in Maine I’ll guess I’ll make a night of it.”
The acting isn’t exactly strong, but is above average for a horror movie of such limited release (400 theaters for a single weekend). But this movie is fun and good for an uncritical, light-hearted evening among horror fans.
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MY CALL: Despite all the nonsense, this was loads of fun to watch. The gloriously random elements and satisfying gore made for not a dull moment. MOVIES LIKE Ghosthouse: Some other deliciously random movies include Nightwish (1990), Prince of Darkness (1987), Manitou (1978), Deadly Blessing (1981) and The Kindred (1987).
Directed by the gore visionary Umberto Lenzi (as Humphrey Humbert; Black Demons, Nightmare City, Cannibal Ferox), this most quintessential B-horror film does what most never dared to do: show us what’s happening.
No time is wasted on gore. NONE AT ALL. Within minutes we see a mutilated cat, a hatchet cleaves into a man’s skull (which, despite dated and cheap effects, we actually get to see it happen),a woman’s eye is mutilated and we see (again, we actually get to see this happen) a woman get stabbed in the throat at a most irregular angle. KUDOS, Umberto! The gore is glorious and, despite the low budget, the effects team and director were rather cavalier about giving us the gorehound satisfaction of seeing these entertaining death blows instead of a shot by shot montage of a hand with a knife, the victim screaming, the knife being swung, and a splash of blood on the wall or the dead body after the fact. The deaths may be simple, but a good deal of care clearly went into the execution.
This gory mayhem all begins after Young Henrietta is locked in the basement with her creepy clown doll as punishment for slitting her cat’s throat. We later learn–as part of a “major” plot reveal halfway through the movie–that the little girl died.
Now I call this an archetypal B-movie. And no B-movie is complete without a zany plot. A CB radio junkie hears a most disturbing message followed by the weirdest music (like carnival music perverted and contorted to horror), thinking a murder has been committed over the airways he locates the signal using his 80s technology (really!?!), then drags his girlfriend there to investigate. For the sake of a respectable body count, they encounter some twenty-somethings. Oh, and that radio message we heard earlier was from the future. Talk about a B-movie plot.
Besides the cheesy plot, this movie has everything any B-horror should:
1) An evil clown doll. And, you guessed it, it strangles someone just like in Poltergeist (1982). The doll plays a role in the story as well.
2) An evil little girl. This girl appears several times and gives our protagonists the stank eye from beyond the grave.
3) A violent escaped mental patient who doubles as the disturbed caretaker-type role.
4) The token black guy. This phenomenon swept 80s movies. For whatever reason they could never seem to cast a black person in an ensemble without giving them some weird role in the story–which often involved being the first to die.
5) Twisted theme music. It sounds demonic children’s music with a disturbing sort of cooing/mumbling as if by an evil toddler. Effectively, we hear it regularly throughout the movie.
6) Lots of gore with fun kills. Often accompanying this is finding body parts placed in silly locations for no logical reason other than my own entertainment. For example, in a running washing machine, seen through the window in the door. On a totally random note, someone is cut in half by a guillotine blade in the attic. Not a guillotine, just the blade…hanging from the ceiling until it conveniently fell (“triggered” by the script) on its victim. Another person falls through the floor into what I can best interpret to be boiling milk or Elmer’s paste. This is exactly the kind of random we find in The Amityville Horror (1979), perhaps after which this pit of “boiling white whatever” was modeled.
7) And inexplicably weird effects. Throughout the movie glass objects expand and explode. No clue why. They just do. I guess that was scary in the 80s. A camper vehicle starts shaking with someone inside and a pillow explodes creating–what I can only assume by the reaction of the actress to be scripted as–a terrifying scene with feathers everywhere. Again, no clue what to make of it.
8) A graveyard with a subterranean crypt. Just because, right?
As if begging for something terrible to happen, they leave two of the scared women alone at the house–after one of their friends dies and another is targeted with attempted murder–while the other go find the police. People keep dying and these people just can’t seem to stay away from the house. WHY!?!?! Why are you so obsessed with “solving” whatever mystery belies this house, it’s evil clown doll and the smug, stank-eyeing little ghost girl?
Despite all the nonsense, a deplorable script, countless plot holes and horrid acting, Ghosthouse was loads of fun to watch. The gloriously random elements and satisfying gore made for not a dull moment.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: R.I.P.D. = Huh?
R.I.P.D is a strange film. While watching the trailers I thought it was all a joke. A movie about dead cops chasing dead villains who hate Indian food seemed insane. Co-writer John wrote a review and part of me thought he was making it up. A blatant rip-off of Men in Black featuring a sweaty Oscar winner and guy who can’t catch a break seemed incredibly odd.
The film is based on a Dark Horse comic written in 2000. It was originally supposed to star Reynolds and Zach Galifinakis as the dead cops. However, a last minute change pushed Jeff Bridges into the picture and it looks like he stumbled off the True Grit set and was doing somebody a favor. What follows is 90 minutes of ankle fetishes, wonky CGI and editing so bad it seemed like Reynolds and Bridges filmed their scenes separately. Both of these guys could have chemistry with trees, yet they come across as extremely tired and are forced to endure the indignity of smacking on Indian food to awaken grotesque creatures.
I wanted to keep the illusion that the film was a big hoax. However, on an international flight I watched five movies and R.I.P.D. was one of them. The film made zero logical sense, the editing was non-existent and my wife and I were left baffled at what we just watched. It seemed like a bunch of scenes slapped together by a committee machine and made Jonah Hex understandable by comparison. Jonah Hex never had a chance due to production problems while R.I.P.D. was fast tracked into oblivion.
It was a weird summer for big blockbusters. Man of Steel, Star Trek 2, Wolverine, Pacific Rim, Lone Ranger, Riddick, White House Down, Elysium and Red 2 were mixed bags full of potential. They were rarely good, overly long and bloated. However, they all made a certain amount of sense. The plots followed logical progressions and some dared to have ideas. R.I.P.D. stands alone among the mediocrity because of it’s sheer ineptitude by people who are not new to the film making game.
Two of the most accomplished movie critics of our day had some interesting things to say about the film. Richard Corliss of Time wrote:
Was there a director on the set when R.I.P.D. was shooting? Is this the first film made by an intern while the real director was at lunch?
Roger Ebert wrote:
Robert Schwentke’s “R.I.P.D.”, which wants to be the new “Men in Black“—a sleek pop special effects comedy—has awful, awful timing. It has fits of inspiration—reminders that we’re dealing with talented people simply having a bad year, or forced to submit to creative oversight by executives who should only be trusted with the receipts. But it’s an awful, awful film.
The movie starts with Reynolds feeling bad that he and Kevin Bacon stole some gold. Where did they get it from? Why did he go bad? Before any of these questions are answered Ryan is murdered by Bacon and immediately gets recruited by the R.I.P.D. The rest is a blur and Indian food is used to uncover the “Deados.” Eventually, there is a plot about gold pieces being used to build a machine to bring the dead to earth. It all ends with property destruction, apocalypse, redemption and scenes stolen from Ghost.
R.I.P.D. had a $130 million production budget and I have no idea where it all went to. The film is a true mystery and would be interesting to study in a film class. It didn’t go off the rails like Jonah Hex or MIB3. There were no reshoots to improve it. Somebody wrote the script. Somebody decided to spend the money to convert it to 3D. How this film became so mediocre is a mystery.
R.I.P.D. is real. R.I.P.D. is weird. It is a pain in the butt writing R.I.P.D. over and over
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MY CALL: A disturbed young man plays Santa to purge his deep-seeded issues in this “then controversial” cult classic. MOVIES LIKE Silent Night: HBO’s Tales from the Crypt season 1 episode 2 “And All Through the House” (1989; GREAT), Black Christmas (2006; meh), Black Christmas (1974; evidently scary upon release).
Yeah. Good call leaving the kid alone with the dementia-stricken grandfather.
This cult classic wakes up Christmas with a swift kick off the wrong side of the bed. An 8-year old boy (Billy) hears a holiday horror story from his deeply disturbed grandfather and a man in a Santa suit sexually assaults and murders Billy’s parents right in front of him. By 11 Billy is displaying some homicidal Noelophobia warning signs while being abused (by today’s standards) by his nun caretakers. He’s punished for being repulsed by Christmas/Santa and he’s punished for accidently coming across two teens having sex. Well, hooray for those nuns! Mentally abusing a child over his fears and things he doesn’t understand…nope. That won’t generate any deep-seeded issues, now will it?
Ummm…I don’t really see the problem here. Coloring within the lines, good overall artwork for an 8-year old, conveys emotion through art…this kid’s good!
Now an adult, Billy is working at a toy store and being a model employee until he’s recruited to be the store Santa Claus. He adopts the twisted naughty-punishing Santa persona instilled by his disturbed grandfather and quietly threatens children on his lap until they behave. Then the store manager plays Billy’s homicidal enabler by getting him drunk–and it seems Billy may have never drank alcohol before. Now let’s really set Billy off, right? Billy’s supervisor sexually assaults a co-worker Pamela who he has a crush on.
This movie is totally bonkers. After saving Pamela from an attempted rape she calls him a crazy bastard. Now, sure. He did strangle the assailant (their co-worker) to death with Christmas lights. And I can see how that’s generally a “not okay” thing to do. But I felt that at least some gratitude was merited here. Not digging her lack of appreciation either, he kills her. And while he’s at it, he kills the store owner and the cashier.
So string of Christmas lights stayed in proper theme. But a hammer? Come on! How about we fill Santa’s sack full of bricks and beat someone to death with it? Maybe shove a contorted body down a chimney or gift wrap a severed head. Somewhere after the first kill Billy lost his Christmas spirit.
You’d really think Billy had done this before. He uses a string of lights, a knife, a hammer, an axe and a bow and arrow to exact his anti-Yule tide mania on his hapless co-workers. By the way, all of these things were readily handy…in a toy store. What kind of toy store is this?
Evidently the nun-run orphanage had archery lessons during recess.
But there’s still a lot of work to do this Christmas eve. So our crazy Santa breaks into a nearby home and terrorizes a topless Linnea Quigley (The Return of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Creepozoids), bringing about the first creative kill of the movie. I suppose, being topless, that Billy just assumed she was being naughty. 😉
I suppose whenever Linnea is in a movie she’s being naughty. Evidently the punishment for topless naughtiness is impalement by deer antlers.
At one point Billy asks a little girl if she’s been naughty…you know–after he kills her topless big sister. When the girl says no, you can tell he REALLY wants to kill her. So he asks her twice are you sure and you haven’t done ANYTHING naughty? When she assures him that she’s been good, he gives her a bloody box cutter (that he would have used to kill her) as a present. Hahahaha. This movie is hilariously sick.
This movie may be 5 shades of awful, but it’s at least 10 shades of cult classic awesome. My only complaint is that when Billy finally faces his childhood tormentor Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvin; Predator 2, Pumpkinhead 2)–who definitely helped develop his issues–he doesn’t get to kill her. Sad. Billy basically dies a virgin who had a few drinks for the first time in his life and then (like anyone naturally would) went on a killing rampage culminating in his own demise.
Is it just me, or does this sound a little like one of those overblown horror stories your middle school health teacher used to tell in order to try to scare you out of partying? This actually poses an excellent argument for why kids should learn to drink sooner. If Billy could’ve kept his drunk composure a little better, then maybe fewer people would have died. This cautionary tale makes me glad I got started in middle school. Might I had, to date I have engaged in zero alcohol-related Santa-themed murders.
Support Billy and watch this classic!
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The Grey (2011)
MY CALL: You feel the gravity! These wolves make those Twilight wolves feel like over-sized Pomeranians. But, joking aside, behind all of the butch manliness of the premise there is something plainly cathartic in their persistence and it resonates more powerfully as the movie endures along with a score that will echo scenes through your mind. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: The Edge (1997), The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)—but neither are as deep or affecting. The Grey is really far from a mach-up of the two, and clearly not The Edge Part 2: Return to Alaska or Lost: Going Arctic. If you liked seeing Neeson as a certified bad-ass, then see Taken (2008) if you missed it. OTHER REVIEWS: The Hof also wrote up a review on this movie.
In case you weren’t already sold by Taken, in the opening minutes of this movie Liam Neeson (Wrath of the Titans, Battleship) is introduced as a loner and a certified bad-ass. He doesn’t want to share his feelings or chat. He just wants to hang out at his drilling rig at the end of the world sniping timber wolves (his job) to keep a cadre of socially undesirable grifters from becoming canine Adkins dietary supplements. En route to Anchorage for some off-time their plane goes down in a fiery piecemeal mess. Naturally, Neeson responds in fine form, as calmly as he can, to stay alive and help the other panicked, shocked or near-dead crash victems.
Early in the movie Neeson encounters a terribly wounded passenger who he informs “you’re going to die” and guides him through it as comfortably as possible. While touching, this was very difficult to watch and I was as wet-cheeked as the onlooking supporting cast during the not so brief scene. Serious mood shit, people. Back to business, Neeson is orating manly reality checks about how the only thing that will find them is “freezing to death” unless they move and take fate into their own hands. But wait, Wolf Kibble is another option.
The wolves, as suggested by the trailer, function as a blanket antagonist to our crash survivors rivaled only by the survivors’ own fear and hopelessness. The wolf attacks are handled well. They’re brutal, but viewers are spared wide angles depicting suffering and hard-to-look-at shots. Although some images of the aftermath are briefly presented—often excluding the victem’s likely mutilated face.
Other crash survivors include Frank Grillo (Mother’s Day, Warrior), who plays the whining defeated pessimist, Dermot Mulroney, Dallas Roberts and Joe Anderson. They all play their parts well as they take orders and receive threats and half-time coaching tirades from Neeson.
“This is just one of those wild stories you end up telling at a party with a girl in your lap.”
This movie features many gorgeous yet often intimidating shots punctuated by the ominous sound of an unforgiving wind birthed of cruel climate. The faces of the men feature a commanding range of forlorn desperation, but somehow they continue to find the strength and persist as their bodies are punished; weakened from serial attacks, malnutrition, weather and a most challenging terrain. Meanwhile will is replaced by desperation with the subsequent loss of each comrade among their dwindling numbers—and some of the deaths will affect you.
This film is worthy. You will feel the gravity!
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