http://leonhart90.blogspot.com/2013/02/movie-review-good-day-to-die-hard.html
The Hof, your regular Bad Movie Tuesday writer, is off doing important Hofsy things. So, as the acting interim CEO of MoviesFilmsandFlix, I am proud deliver this week’s regrettable review…
MY CALL: Apathy is to blame for the death of this franchise. There was too little humor, too many frustrating father-son issues, and no sense of adventure. I simply didn’t care. [D] WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Live Free or Die Hard (2007).
Die Hard (1988) was epic. It was epic in ’88 and it’s still epic. Bruce Willis (Looper, The Expendables 2) had mastered the unlikely hero having a really bad day and making funny comments about it. Die Hard II (1990) was a lot of fun, but seemed to be suffer a hick-up in the success of the franchise. It was followed up by the even more fun and adventurous Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995). Then climbing back to epic status was Live Free or Die Hard (2007). Out of these four Die Hards, why did part II stand out as inferior? The answer is simple. Great villains.
Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), Simon Gruber (Jeremy Irons) and Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant); these villains were charismatic scene-stealers. These silver-tongued, dapper devils were perfect complements to John McClane’s cynical, rough and bloodied New York cop whose crumbling life always seems to eclipse his concern of these villains’ menace.
This latest Die Hard installment had no such slick villain. As Alik, Radivoje Bukvic (Taken) tries very hard to deliver audiences with a slick, smooth-talking, calm bad guy. The problem is that he’s not the bad guy–but simply a bad guy. And his clichés are too over the top for middle management bad guy support staff. Then there was Yuliya Snigir (as Irina), a gorgeous and provocative creature who we were hoping would be some super-spy that could stand up to Maggie Q’s performance in Live Free or Die Hard. Sadly, she delivered very little and we saw the best of her undressing during the movie trailer.
http://leonhart90.blogspot.com/2013/02/movie-review-good-day-to-die-hard.html
http://awinlanguage.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-good-day-to-die-hard.html
The story brings John McClane to Russia, where his CIA spy son Jack has gotten himself into trouble. Of course, things get complicated and John helps Jack with his mission to get an important man with some nuclear secrets to the United States.
http://leonhart90.blogspot.com/2013/02/movie-review-good-day-to-die-hard.html
They look bored. I feel their pain.
The plot pulls a couple of bait-and-switch routines keeping us guessing who’s on whose side, whose good and whose bad, and who’s the bad guy in charge. With almost no build-up staging these transitions, I felt completely apathetic. It pains me to say that I cared equally little about John McClane’s relationship with his son (Jai Courtney; Jack Reacher).
http://scottalanmendelson.blogspot.com/2013/01/why-r-rating-for-good-day-to-die-hard.html
The action was fantastic and nearly constant. Early in the movie there is an incredibly long and destructive chase scene loaded with mayhem. Towards the end, guns and helicopters steal the show. There is no question that a lot of thought (and millions of dollars) went into these action sequences. The downside was that since I didn’t really know who the McClanes were up against or why, it resulted in less excitement. I found myself watching some of the most impressive action sequences I’ve seen in years and I hardly cared, smiled, yelled when something crazy happened…nothing. Just more apathy.
I didn’t even get to enjoy the classic John McClane character! His lines are overly dominated by frustrating family dysfunction with his son. Their terrible relationship is shoved down our throats and the writers couldn’t get through five lines of dialogue without reminding us of it with another unfunny jab. This made little room for classic, hilarious McClane peevishness directed at the bad guy…who was the bad guy in this movie again? Oh, right, you hardly know until the end during a ho-hum revelation.
http://gamenews123.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/the-a-z-of-die-hard/
Remember this? THIS was funny!
In the end we never have the opportunity to enjoy the villain, Bruce Willis delivers an aging McClane whose family issues have replaced funny lines, and Jai Courtney was more likable as the bad guy in Jack Reacher than he was as the good guy in this. Triple-fail!
Skip this.
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John’s Old School Horror Corner: Of Unknown Origin (1983)
http://dinnerwithmaxjenke.blogspot.com/2011/11/rat-for-turkey-day.html
MY CALL: Man meets rat. Man tries to kill rat. Rat tries to kill man? Game on! Peter Weller shows us that an overly simplistic B-horror story can be executed well with the right leading man and a good sense of humor from the prop team. [B; it made me laugh a lot] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Arguably the best rat-themed movie EVER: Food of the Gods 2: Gnaw (1989). If you enjoy Peter Weller, a king of the 80s-90s era horror and horrorish sci-fi, then see Leviathan (1989), Screamers (1995), and maybe even Robocop (1987). Weller was also amazing in Shadow Hours (2000), which was way-weird but far from horror or sci-fi.
We’ll start with minute one of this movie. Introducing Shannon Tweed in her first ever theatrical release in, you guessed it, a breastly shower scene. There are so few horror movies that don’t have shower scenes. But even fewer of them skip the foreplay and give you your gratuitous nudity before the counter on your DVD player hits 00:00:59.
Now that we’ve addressed his trophy wife, let’s paint a portrait of our protagonist. Peter Weller plays a proud father and husband who is an all-round nice guy. He says good morning to the newspaper stand lady every morning on his walk to his cushy corporate job. He has a stunning home which was apparently professionally decorated with all accoutrements indicating affluence. He’s also up for a big promotion and, if he gets it, he won’t have to struggle paying the mortgage on his gorgeous, recently renovated home. You know, white people problems.
http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/11/film-review-of-unknown-origin-1983.html
What was that sound? It’s too early for the arrival of my Wallstreet Journal!
http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/11/film-review-of-unknown-origin-1983.html
Yup, this is basically how well-to-do, upper-middle class folks react to learning they have rats in their house. Poor folks buy rat traps. This guy has a meltdown.
So this movie is essentially about a rat that drives a man insane while his wife and child are out of town. It starts out with the use of almost humorous ominous shadows. When they start showing parts of the rat it is always wet and somewhat slimy looking as if it just took a bath in raw sewage. The rat-cam shots also offer a charming “rodent’s eye-view” of things.
After calling in a work order on some burst pipes, Weller’s eccentric plumber has no difficulty diagnosing that a rat was the cause. Weller sets out some traps which, when he checks them, look like a cartoon surfboard after a shark attack. This is no ordinary rat, but a super-rat! Weller accordingly ups his game from the categorical, antiquated mouse trap to devices which more closely resemble mini-bear traps and tiny Spanish Inquisition purification devices. He also gets into some clearly obsessive, unhealthy research, during which he finds some encyclopedia identifying that the scientific name for rats means “of unknown origin”. Is this true? Don’t know. Don’t care. It works for me. Weller also finds some of the most vilifying articles and photos of “rat attacks” that one could imagine. With his newfound off-putting trivia Weller horrifies an entire dinner party ranting about disease.
http://dinnerwithmaxjenke.blogspot.com/2011/11/rat-for-turkey-day.html
Looks like it’s Rat 1, Rat Trap 0. And Peter Weller HATES to lose!
http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/11/film-review-of-unknown-origin-1983.html
Weller’s alcohol-fueled decent into madness has begun!
http://dinnerwithmaxjenke.blogspot.com/2011/11/rat-for-turkey-day.html
Okay, he’s nuts. Sleeping in a hammock clinging to a baseball bat.
Back to the battle on the home front, Weller’s traps have been failing. He moves on to poison, which he purchases from another oddly fanatical anti-rat enthusiast. Then it’s back to the plumber for an awkward strategy session. Both this vendor and his plumber, whom you would no sooner trust to watch your kids than a homeless crackhead, appear multiple times attesting to how evil, methodical and ferocious rats are.
http://dinnerwithmaxjenke.blogspot.com/2011/11/rat-for-turkey-day.html
Somehow I doubt that this is Ranger Rick or National Geographic.
This rat accomplishes a few unreasonable acts of sabotage. I won’t explain how, but the rat actually prevents an exterminator from doing his job and even jeopardizes one of Weller’s big accounts at work. Of course, it didn’t do this before cutting the phone lines and the electricity. Christ, it’s like an Al-Queda rat with an MBA. Rather than simply calling the exterminator back, Weller using some sound problem-solving skills and recruits a stray cat. If it works in cartoons…right? This does not work out well for the cat. The rat even traps Weller with a rat trap.
Oh, did I forget to mention that there are numerous battle scenes between Weller and this wily rodent? The rat-attack scenes are precious. Imagine a rabid terrier assaulting a mailman—just tearing at his ankles…or in Gremlins when they were leaping onto people’s backs. That’s about the flavor of it. The ingenuity of some of the attacks are naturally ridiculous and always result the in destruction of a lot of expensive things. Realizing that it’s time to step up his game again Weller goes all Gangs of New York and engineers a needlessly elaborate weapon. He even as a brief training montage which includes some Rocky-esque sweaty ab work.
http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/11/film-review-of-unknown-origin-1983.html
In the end, Weller does emerge victorious—I guess. He smashes the shit out of the rat while it’s hiding in a doll house which unsubtly looks exactly like Weller’s house. I’ll bet the director was just so proud of this clever symbolism: that he had to destroy his house to destroy the rat. How deep.
Was this plot reasonable?
Absolutely not!
Did Weller handle this situation the right way?
Absolutely not!
Did I like the movie any less for these faults?
Absolutely not!
Trailers are available on YouTube, but I suggest that you don’t watch it. It’s not a good representation of the quality of this movie, which any horror fan should add to their creature movie repertoire.
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John’s Old School Horror Corner: Spellbinder (1988)
http://lefthandhorror.com/2012/03/20/spellbinder-1988-movie-review/
MY CALL: Beyond stupid–this is the king of random witch movies. Basically, this is a Lifetime Network movie about witches and a cult-y coven with a low budget and some of the worst “magic” effects ever. Just see it if you want to see Kelly Preston’s boobs. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: The Skeleton Key (2005), The Kiss (1988), Warlock (1989).
http://moviescreenshots.blogspot.com/2012/05/spellbinder-1988.html
After bitch-slapping his ho, and then pulling a knife and threatening some prophecy on his ho’s saviors, Jeff brings home a strange woman who has no address and a strange affinity for cats. To show her gratitude for saving her from her pimptastic, ponytailed assailant, she reads his palm and offers to “heal” him of his lower back injury (which he got from a pick-up game of street hoops with the boys) as she leads him to the bedroom.
Miranda (Kelly Preston; Battlefield Earth, From Dusk ’til Dawn, Christine) and Jeff are getting comfortable together playing house. She reads his friends’ palms at a party and pulls shit out of the oven without oven mitts. Only Jeff’s secretary seems to think that things are moving surprisingly fast and conveniently in his relationship with Miranda.
Then cue the random… Aldys, the guy who was bitch-slapping Miranda in scene one, is some sort of witch-y cult leader. He magically lights some guy’s head on fire and levitates a car to demonstrate that nothing will keep him from getting Miranda back. Later some old woman shows up and demands Miranda’s return, too. Then Jeff hears the voices of evil spirits. It’s all super-hokey, but the movie clearly takes itself quite seriously as efforts to reclaim Miranda escalate…and so escalates the randomness as well as told by the following pictures…
http://moviescreenshots.blogspot.com/2012/05/spellbinder-1988.html
Jeff’s car is randomly ignited by angry witches.
http://moviescreenshots.blogspot.com/2012/05/spellbinder-1988.html
Jeff hides Miranda in a bunker with ‘nam shocked veteran.
http://moviescreenshots.blogspot.com/2012/05/spellbinder-1988.html
Jeff kills a black belt teenage girl.
http://lefthandhorror.com/2012/03/20/spellbinder-1988-movie-review/
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa plays a cop.
The finale takes Jeff to a beach venue with sloppy, vandalism-like graffiti reading “666” and “Satan Rules.” This hardly sets the mood. Around a bonfire a bunch of hooded folks chant around a restrained and about to be sacrificed Miranda. Nope–I’m still not buying this nonsense. Then there was the twist. Ugh! Let’s just say it involves betrayal, a nearly-naked dancing chick and a papier mache mask.
This flick received disturbingly high reviews on Amazon (4.1/5 stars), with everyone talking about the great suspense and how scary it was including comments like “the scariest…” or “the most suspenseful movie I’ve ever seen.” Hell of a statement. I’m guessing these reviewers are all from the Lifetime Network fan club.
Don’t see this movie. The only justification would be if seeing Kelly Preston naked is on your bucket list.
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John’s Old School Horror Corner: Howling V: The Rebirth (1989)
http://tofunerdpunk.blogspot.com/2012/04/howling-v-1989.html
MY CALL: The Rebirth of what? Unrelated to the rest of the franchise, this stand alone is designed more like a slasher flick and deviates from the pack theme created by The Howling (1981). You don’t see much happen and the monster is saved for the finale, but the mood is alright. But I’d skip it. It’s simply not eventful enough. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Well, if you’re in the market for a great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made! Second best would be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously. Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks. If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987). But you should really avoid Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988) and The Howling Reborn (2011) unless you’re one of those totalists who need to see everything like me.
This sequel has all the makings of a stand alone, pick’em off one by one flick. A group of people of various backgrounds are brought together by a strange host in a Hungarian castle which has been sealed for 500 years…oh, and a werewolf tags along and whittles down their numbers.
http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/2010/12/howling-v-rebirth-1989.html
A werewolf…or bigfoot?
Among these tourists are tennis player Jonathan (Mark Sivertsen; Vampires, The Last Stand), actress Marylou Summers (Elizabeth Shé; Howling VI: Freaks, Howling: New Moon Rising), Dr. Catherine Peake (Victoria Catlin; Maniac Cop, Ghoulies), actress Anna (Mary Stavin; House), a professor, a writer, a model, a photographer and all other sorts. The deliberately creepy Count Istvan (Philip Davis; Alien 3) hosts the trip.
http://towerfarm.blogspot.com/2010/12/howling-v-rebirth-1989.html
Count Istvan even has a creepy birthmark.
Following the standard slasher-horror formula, within 30 minutes someone is killed by a killer we barely glimpse, people are already pairing off and getting intimate, and a few patrons begin to feel that this trip is some sort of set up designed to trap them in the castle as a result of a terrible storm. As the story continues we learn more about who’s in on this “set up.”
http://mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com/2011/10/furry-lameness-howling-v-rebirth.html
It’s worth mentioning that in this scene the guy convinces the woman that you “have to bathe nude” in spas like this. How this dumb woman survives this movie is beyond me.
In the spirit of totally random horror movie flavor, our victims end up in a vast catacombed labyrinth under the castle where the werewolf, as if in a videogame or Greek myth, wanders about as a monstrous hazard. As silly as this is, it works and fits in well in this tolerably decent bad 80s horror. What doesn’t work is that we see very little of the werewolf very rarely, the gore is only after the fact, and there was no transformation scene. You can’t do a werewolf movie and have no transformation scene!!!
I didn’t hate this but I wouldn’t recommend it either. While I enjoyed the mood and setting, the gore is too minimal and we see too little to garner enough interest.
http://mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com/2011/10/furry-lameness-howling-v-rebirth.html
FRANCHISE/SEQUEL NOTE: I find no story-based connection between this, The Howling (1981; the best of the series), Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985; random and hilarious), Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987; still a lot of weird fun) or Howling V (1989). Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988) tried and horribly failed to remake the excellence of part one while being more true to the book and The Howling Reborn (2011) was a reboot with a contemporary spin.
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John’s Old School Horror Corner: House II: The Second Story (1987)
MY CALL: This is like a horror-adventure movie for children. Adults and horror fans should expect to be disappointed. Unless you’re high. I suppose if you were high then this movie may see hilarious. However, not being high, this movie commanded none of my attention or interest. [D-] WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: I like “house” movies, but I prefer they take themselves more seriously like in The Amityville Horror (1979, 2005), the last short from V/H/S (2012), Grave Encounters (2011) or Poltergeist (1982). Even Paranormal Activity 2 (2010), although we later learn it’s less of a “house” movie and more of an evil spirit movie. SEQUEL SIDEBAR: I assume you saw House (1986). Well, this is completely unrelated.
Jesse and Kate (Lar Park Lincoln; Friday the 13th part VII, Freddy’s Nightmares) move into Jesse’s great, great grandfather’s house. Looking for some ancient, immortalizing crystal skull that his great-great found years ago, Jesse digs up his great-great’s grave only to be strangled by him–still alive from his immortalizing skull. After a little getting to know you, Gramps (Royal Dano; Ghoulies II, Kiler Klowns from Outer Space) informs Jesse that he has to help him protect the skull from the forces of evil. Although the forces of evil don’t seem too menacing.
There is no horror to this movie at all. It feels like it was aiming to make Gramps seem lovable and the story concept “fun.” I expect this movie to be quite pleasing to 8-year olds, but certainly not to me. It’s rated PG-13, but I can find nothing keeping it from a humble PG except for a stop-motion monster that reminded me of Beetlejuice.
A giant prehistoric fledgling vulture thing. And the guy is smiling and playing with it. In a horror movie?
A pro wrestler posing as an Aztec warrior…and he’s a white dude. Horrifying.
While this may well serve families with “swear jars” on the kitchen counter, it hardly suits John’s Horror Corner. As such, I’ll end this review here and question if this flick should really even be considered horror at all. Maybe they should have changed the title to The Aztec Dinosaur Adventure.
This is hands down the worst movie ever to feature a crystal skull. Yes! Much worse than the latest Indiana Jones movie. The only thing I liked about this movie was the adorable prehistoric caterpillar dog.
Awwwww. I want a caterpillar dog!
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Kill ‘Em All (2012)
http://theactionelite.com/2012/11/trailer-kill-em-all/
Let’s start off by noting that this check never wears those snakeskin pants in the movie.
MY CALL: Slo-mo over-staged fights you’d likely see rivaled by a Karate school demo at your local county fair. This movie tries to accomplish a lot, and I can appreciate that. Just know that it succeeds at very little beyond entertaining me enough not to turn it off. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better fight filming/editing, choreography, tricks and acrobatics can be enjoyed in Ong-Bak (2003), Chocolate (2009) and The Raid: Redemption (2011). These three movies offer very different styles (and different, personalized martial arts styles), so don’t think to yourself “seen one, seen ’em all.” Of course, with those movies you either endure reading subtitles or terrible dubbing in lieu of awful acting.
This movie is littered with people who have done stunts for tons of kick flicks and also had roles in most of them. Despite the mixed quality of the movie-fighting on their resumes, this movie features a lot of talented combatants giving this movie every opportunity to at least succeed in delivering awesome fight scenes.
We get a glimpse of several assassins going about their daily business until they are captured. The buff chick who was the main villain in Raging Phoenix (female bodybuilder Roongtawan Jindasing/Proongtawan Jindasing) is one of the bad guys who helps capture them. They are gathered as prisoners in some underground “killing chamber,” from which only one will leave alive.
The crew is quite a mix. Gabriel (Johnny Messner; Arena) is an explosives-loving assassin, Som (Zom Ammara/Ammara Siriphong; Chocolate) an attractive and reserved woman, Takab “The Frenchman” (Brahim Achabbakhe; The Kick, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li), The Kid (Tim Man; Raging Phoenix, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li) is tiny (5’3″) but has some solid moves like aerial cartwheel-sidekicks, 540 jump hook kicks, corkscrew-flair kicks and back flip kicks, Mickey (Rashid Phoenix; Thor 2, Fast & Furious 6; stunts) is child-like and doesn’t know right from wrong, Schmidt (Erik Markus Schuetz; Ong-Bak, The Protector) is pretty much a Dropkick Murphy temperamental thug, a Thai Buddhist by the name of Black Scorpion and the aging and fat real-life tournament fighter Jim Lewis who comes off a little like Gary Busey.
Their captor communicates with them via loud speaker and provides them with box lunches, sleeping bags and a bathroom in between ordering pairs of them to fight based on silly luck of the draw scenarios (basically liking drawing straws or picking a number from 1 to 10). Losers die; winners get to pick a weapon from the weapon chamber.
http://jbspins.blogspot.com/2012/12/kill-em-all-playing-survivor-in-bangkok.html
So she kills him.
After demonstrating some kumite civil disobedience (i.e., refusing to fight to the death), their captor sicks his ninjas on them. However, these are probably the worst ninjas ever and their failure to shut the door behind them permits the escape of the gathered assassins to “the next level,” during which hoards of armed screaming maniacs converge on them skill-lessly swinging weapons. When this fails, their captor sends his two best enforcers (one of which is the attractive and sinewy Ammara Siriphong of Raging Phoenix).
http://www.martialartsmoviejunkie.com/tag/gordon-liu/
But they decided not to kill each other.
http://www.martialartsmoviejunkie.com/tag/gordon-liu/
So their captor sent these two toughies…
http://kiaikick.com/2012/12/21/review-kill-em-all-2012/kill-em-all-3/
…and a whole lot of red ninjas with guns to stop them.
The fighting has some occasional (perhaps rare) strong technical elements when techiniques are examined individually, but it’s filmed far too close and edited into a choppy maelstrom of clips hardly enduring longer than a single technique. What’s more is that the choreography seems to have two speeds: a slow attacker speed (holding back as if hoping to be countered or blocked) complemented by the adroit response of the person scripted to win the fight.
Perhaps these stunt guys aren’t good enough for full speed–even though they’re known, serially hired combat stunt men. But it reminds me of martial arts demonstrations when the instructor says “now try to hit me in the head with a right hook,” then the participant winds up (basically smoke-signaling the move), and the instructor does an 80% speed technique to counter it and, if executing a combination of blows, separating each technique with a one second kiai while frozen in place–really, long enough for the attacker to find their senses again. Done in this manner, individual techniques may look great, but to the viewer they also feel just as fake as they actually are. Tim Man (as The Kid) is the only one with any talent–and he’s got lots!
Much more painful than this combination of pulled punches was the acting. In a moment of lobotomizing idiocy, someone “hides” from someone else in this generally featureless square room to ambush his opponent. Later, when a 110 pound woman is kicked through a brick wall, she gets up continues to fight at full force as if nothing happened!
In the end, the fight between The Kid and their captor, Snakehead (the legendary Chia Hui “Gordon” Liu; The Man with the Iron Fists, Kill Bill Vols. 1 & 2) was not at all redeeming. Just more of the same. Fans of Gordon Liu: beware. This movie will be especially soul-crushing for you.
http://kiaikick.com/2012/12/21/review-kill-em-all-2012/kill-em-all-1/
In the end, I was entertained. But I will never see this movie again. Much to the contrary, the fighters in the movie show promise, and I’d like to see them in more movies to see if this flick was just a fluke or not.
Maybe you other kick-flick lovers ought to give it a chance. If you’re less of a choreography snob than I am, maybe you’ll enjoy it…as long as you plug your ears when the combatants try their hand at acting.
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John’s Horror Corner: Black Christmas (1974)
MY CALL: Online reviews boast this as one of the “scariest films ever made.” Maybe back when it was released, but it won’t terrify any modern horror fans. If you’re a self-proclaimed horror connoisseur, watch this to cover your historic horror bases. It is, after all, a classic. MOVIES LIKE Black Christmas: Halloween (1978) and When a Stranger Calls (1979) were also born in the 70s and do a better job at building tension and testing our nerves.
It’s Christmas break and a few sorority sisters have decided to stay at the pledge house for the holiday. The sorority house is terrorized by a stranger who makes frightening phone calls and then murders the sorority sisters during Christmas break.
Jess (Olivia Hussey; Stephen King’s It, Romeo and Juliet) is the nice girl whom we expect to survive the movie. Her friend Barb (Margot Kidder; The Amityville Horror, Sisters) is the ultimate overindulgent sorority girl, always holding a lowball glass in one hand and ever-refilling it from the bourbon decanter permanently attached to the other, which also deftly holds a cigarette at all times.
After the first girl goes “missing” the police don’t take the issue seriously. But as more sisters disappear Lt. Fuller (John Saxon; A Nightmare on Elm Street, Blood Beach; both of which having him reprise his role as a no-nonsense cop) takes the case.
This movie is revered as something of a classic. However, I challenge this notion. The movie is slow. Not the suspenseful and building sort of slow, but more like the “we’ve got to fill this movie with 90 minutes” sort of slow. We also don’t see the kills, which are staged in the most simplistic, color-by-numbers manner. It’s so generic that you feel no sense of dread regarding what’s about to happen.
Now some people may angrily step to this film’s defense. But I’d ask them to recollect how long it’s been since they’ve seen the movie. All too often we remember thinking a movie was soul-rattling back when we were 10 or 15 years old. I am one of those people. This movie holds a special nostalgia for me, but having seen it again in my 30s I have to say that this film simply doesn’t hold up by today’s standards even if we ignore budgetary issues such as gore and “seeing” the kills.
WHAT THE MOVIE DOES WELL: 1) The acting is quite good for a horror film. John Saxon always delivers with his no-nonsense characters and Margot Kidder does a fantastic job as the sorority house lush. 2) The story is great and the characters’ development and relationships are engaging. 3) This film brought us the most famous and truly jarring slasher movie notion ever: “The calls are coming from inside the house!” 4) A quiet, but great ending. 5) Some disturbing elements like the killer’s off-putting phone calls and the repeated imagery linked to the first victem.
If you’re a self-proclaimed horror fan or connoisseur, watch this just to cover your historic horror bases. If you saw it and loved it as a kid, watch this for a reality check of what used to be scary to you and a little nostalgia–it is a classic. And if you’re a parent of a kid who thinks he likes horror, watch this with him to gauge his readiness for more vivid, gory movies.
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John’s Horror Corner: The House at the End of the Street (2012)
http://blog.welovefilm.co/2012/09/house-at-end-of-street-trailer.html
MY CALL: Just another Tank Top Horror, and it’s not even worth watching. Ugh!! I can’t believe this even got made! [D] WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Like horror movies with family secrets locked in the basement? Well here are a few that randomly came to mind: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013), Frailty (2001), The Kindred (1987), Evil Dead 2 (1987), and The Evil Dead (1981). None of them are like this movie–especially since I liked them. SIDEBAR: This is a review of the unrated version. Hey, remember when “unrated” meant you were in for something awesome? I wish that happened here.
High schooler Elissa (Jennifer Lawrence; The Hunger Games, Silver Linings Playbook) and her mother Sarah (Elisabeth Shue; Piranha 3D) have moved into a lovely, HUGE new house. How can they afford the rent? Well, there may have been a double patricide by hammer next door a few years ago when a young girl went all Amityville on her parents and, according to urban legend, she is alive and has been living in the woods for the four years since the incident.
Elissa is mature and judgy, even resentful, towards her mother; their father-figureless family dynamic seems to have an unusual balance of power. This control tug-of-war shifts into high gear when Elissa meets Ryan.
http://octobersquad.blogspot.com/2012/09/house-at-end-of-street.html
“Yeah…adults pretty much just don’t get me.”
“Wow, I like totally get you so much right now it’s not even funny.”
Ryan (Max Thieriot; My Soul to Take) is the creepy neighbor kid who lives in the murder house next door. He’s dark, deep, quiet and sweet; often the guy the girl runs to at the end of the high school angsty teen movie when she realizes her jock boyfriend is a jerk. We learn very early that Ryan keeps a family secret locked up in the basement.
Because of how this movie was vaguely advertised (perhaps misadvertised) I can’t tell you much more about the plot without being very vague. So anyway, “something” happens that places Elissa in danger and Ryan wrestles his conscience when weighing his ties to the house and protecting Elissa. Meanwhile, we learn more about Ryan, his family history, and his secrets.
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Looks scary, right? It isn’t.
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Sweaty, scared and scantily tank-topped. Typical.
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Typical Tank Top Horror shot.
Jennifer Lawrence does a decent job, but as this strong character she is no Katniss and the writing isn’t The Hunger Games. Maybe Lawrence did all she could with her horror heroine dialogue, but I was thoroughly unimpressed with the story. The same goes for Max Theriot, who strikes me as a poor man’s Cam Gigandet without any hair product, gym membership and man-scaping. I’m not being judgmental here. When it comes to horror I’m never expecting or looking for originality. I just want a serviceable plot (even if it’s one I’ve seen 50 times), maybe a few characters I give a damn about, some sense of dread or shock or tension or humor, entertaining kills and maybe, although this might be reaching, but maybe a neat twist or a grinningly cliché ending. Instead I got a poorly staged plot, characters who frustrated me, no scares or laughs or fun kills, and an awful ending that is capable of nothing more than eliciting disappointed eye-rolls.
I’m going to say something and I want you to know that I really, REALLY thought about it before writing it. Not one single thing about this movie was good except for a few gorgeous shots of the woods and fooling Jennifer Lawrence into starring in this.
Don’t see this movie. Just zip past it at your local RedBox and never look back.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Paranormal Activity 4
Sidenote: I love bad films. I’ve managed to find humor in movies like Whiteout, In the Name of the King 2 and pretty much every recent Nic Cage film. However, Paranormal Activity 4 kinda hurt my soul. The biggest problem is that I was excited for it. The third was in no way good but I was hoping they would atone for themselves. There is zero atonement and a plethora of annoyance. The following review tries hard to find the silver lining but then it gets frustrated and ends up with me talking about the review in third person.
The Paranormal Activity series has destroyed something good. It has taken the phrase “nothing gold can stay” and turned it into “nothing scary can stay.” The poster brags “all the activity has led to this.” The problem is “this” can best be described by “insert fart noise here.” The original was admired by Steven Spielberg and now the fellas who made Catfish are turning it into the Where’s Waldo of horror films. Instead of appreciating the scares of an evil demon you are left with looking at a screen trying to find that pesky Toby run around and cause property damage.
Paranormal Activity 4 attempts to build a mythology surrounding the jerky demon and his origins. A mythology is created but it destroys all the scares of the prior films. The low budget creativity is nonexistent and instead replaced by wonky lights, jump scares and one of those evil kids who has way too much hair. Nobody listens, people never leave their house or watch the incriminating footage. A lot of trouble could have been prevented if the parents would have spent five minutes watching the spooky kid do weird things while a coven of witches hung out across the street.
What started as a low budget and original fright fest is now recycling the premise to diminishing returns. The original PA created a demon who was equal parts evil and mysterious. It was scary because it’s motivations were unclear and it came across as a real threat. For instance, there is a neat scene where a man involved in the paranormal comes into the house and quickly realizes he is out of his league. He thanks the couple for calling and he exits without looking back. What did this man sense? Why did he know it was so evil? Was he faking and got lucky? The original asked questions and didn’t give you all the answers.
PA2 didn’t wreck the originals good name and told a linear and coherent version of the story. The series started going downhill when PA3 named the demon Toby and introduced us to a crew of angry witches. The shock was gone and they wrecked everything by giving the demon a nerdy name. Toby was no longer scary because it became a jerky demon who loved closing doors and pulling people off beds. In the first film the mystery kept you intrigued. Now, it is essentially Toby dropping chandeliers, stealing knives and ogling fifteen year old girls.
The plot of PA4 revolves around a demon kid harassing a family of four. Weird things start happening and the young girl’s boyfriend sets up all the computers to record the happenings. He rigs up an Xbox Kinect to detect movement and for some reason nobody watches the footage. The kid starts acting erratic and Katie from the original returns. This all leads to a plethora of hauntings without the luxury of an oscillating fan.
Paranormal Activity 4 is an exercise in the mundane. This is a shame because the first film had an incredibly amount of promise. There is nothing worse than expecting something scary and instead getting Toby and his door shutting shenanigans.
In the end PA4 made a ton of money and a sequel is in the works. Toby will bother people again, necks will be snapped and more back story will be uncovered. I can’t wait to write an annoyed review in the third person for PA5.
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Tokyo Shock: Dead Sushi (2012)
MY CALL: A mid-level entry to the Tokyo Shock genre which tries to rely on a stupidly clever premise. It’s alright, I guess. But the premise doesn’t carry it along as well as the writers hoped. I’d only recommend this for devout fans of Tokyo Shock. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Tokyo Gore Police (2008), Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009) and Helldriver (2010) all do a much better job of delivering weirdly clever monsters/opponents and disturbingly creative gore, deaths and mutations.
Keiko (Rina Takeda; Ninja Girl, Karate Girl, High-Kick Girl) is training under her father (Jiji Bû; Tokyo Gore Police, Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl) to become a sushi chef, which evidently involves some ninja kind of crazy martial arts whose choreography smacks of classic kung fu theater. However, the training and the demands of her father are too much for her. So she runs away and finds work at Yumi’s (Asami; Helldriver, Mutant Girl Squad, The Machine Girl) hotel, where some executives have decided to go on a corporate escape.
It takes longer than normal (for movies of this genre) for the wackiness to get started. This happens when Yamada (Kentarô Shimazu; Tokyo Gore Police, The Machine Girl, Alien vs Ninja) injects a reanimating, contagious disease-bearing serum into a flying squid to exact his revenge on the executives that had him fired. Once the infected squid comes into contact with some of the hotel’s freshly served sushi, the sushi itself turns into miniature flying killers.
Now, when I think Tokyo Shock I think crazy gore and exploitative tactics. Director/writer Noboru Iguchi’s (The Machine Girl, RoboGeisha, The ABC’s of Death – “F” is for Fart) flick includes decapitation, making out with a severed head, squid-stabbing, the sloppiest sounding kisses ever, provocative sushi eating, man-face to man-crotch, finger to butt, tongue biting, eyeballs popping out of their sockets, sloppy raw egg-exchanging kisses, face-peeling, cannibalism, a naked woman showering in blood, rice zombies (that’s not meant to sound racist), piranha-like sushi swarms, fire-breathing sushi, a guy turns into an over-sized axe-wielding fish monster, tandem vomiting, petrified sushi nunchucks, zombies copping feels and a few entertaining mutilated face prosthetics.
The effects behind the killer sushi is pretty cheap, but perfectly serviceable in a movie like this. It reminds me of the flying orb effects from Phantasm (1979). Some other CGI effects are truly awful and inferior even to ScyFy Network movie-of-the-week quality.
Comedic elements include farcical lessons in sushi preparation and connoisseurship, shy singing sushi that is friendly and supportive, cute jiggling giggling evil sushi monsters, sushi monsters mating and a sushi roll battleship. Like the effects and the pace of the story, the humor of this Tokyo Shocklet a noticeably not as good as I would expect from the genre.
That’s not to say that the movie isn’t without its moments.
Like when Chef Tsuchida (Kanji Tsuda; Helldriver, Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl) cries out: “When a sushi chef’s pride is on the line the next course he serves in death!”
Or when Yamada becomes infected by his own serum: “And now I have been reborn as a mighty tuna!”
I’d only recommend this for devout fans of Tokyo Shock.
Movies, Films & Flix 