Bad Movie Tuesday: The Best of the Worst Sequels: Round 3

The 16 are now eight. Eight films have made it through bad reviews, annoyed critics and tough tournament brackets (Round 1 & 2). In this infamous group we have an eclectic mix of fantastically bad films that manage to be enjoyable. One interesting tidbit is that we still have two alien films in the tournament. AVPR and Resurrection are still lurking in the brackets like those surly face huggers. So, Alien fans enjoy the films when they are good and love them when they are soul crushing.

The early favorite seems to be Blade Trinity. People must love the bald Dracula, gratuitous shower scene and Parker Posey kicking her assistant in the head with a surprise strike. The movie makes me laugh and scratch my head at the fantastic ineptitude. Trinity also features one of the greatest film insults ever when Reynolds call Posey a “c*ck juggling thunder c**t.” It ain’t Shakespeare but it is memorable.

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Then, we have Matrix Revolutions. I remember sitting in a theater watching the huge battle where millions of mechanical squids attack the rave-loving Zion. The biggest problem I had was that it was incredibly unnecessary. The whole thing could have been finished with a single bomb. Zion is in a little hole with nowhere to go. A large bomb could wipe out everything and save the CGI team millions of dollars. It raises the age-old question:

“If a bomb goes off in Zion whilst many lithe people are raving does anybody care?”

These films hold a special place in cinema goers hearts. They are not good yet they are a necessary evil. Can you buy the Alien Quadrilogy, Godfather Trilogy or upcoming Indiana Jones box-sets without their much maligned predecessors? The answer is no. These films haunt the purist but enchant the people who have a sense of humor. Maybe there is a sixth sense.  When people love a film despite the sensory turd they see.

I appreciate the fanfare this tournament has received and I’m excited to see who emerges as the victor of the best bad. A movie so bad it is good.

Vote! Which four will move on? Make sure that you will not end up like all the Blair Witch 2 fans who are still annoyed.

Jurassic Park 3 Vs. AVPR

If they ever create The Science of Bad Movies for a university class AVPR will be the first chapter. It had a chance to be an R-Rated battle fest but inexplicably focuses on two brothers who squabble constantly. I’d love to read the research papers on how they could screw up an alien/predator hybrid. I’d also love a chapter on the super smart raptors of Jurassic Park 3 who remind me of the moon rocks from Apollo 18. 

Batman and Robin vs. Blade Trinity

Batman has a Batman credit card and Arnold got paid $25 million for two weeks of work. The excess is amazing! Blade: Trinity is an odd case of dumb meets fun that features generation X’er Parker Posey sneakily kicking her assistant in the face. It is proving to be an unstoppable force of dumb flying through the brackets.

Alien: Resurrection vs. X-Men: The Last Stand

I know I discuss this a lot but there is a scene in X3 where a mutant holding a baseball bat hunts Wolverine. Why? How? Is he the Sammy Sosa of mutant hunters? The cheesiness of this scene can only be rivaled by Ripley’s basketball dunking and cuddle fests. These films destroyed fantastic story arcs and led to worse films (AVP, Wolverine).

Matrix Revolutions vs. The Whole Ten Yards

Did anybody ask for a sequel to The Whole Nine Yards? I liked that movie. It ended nicely with all the characters living happily ever after. Then, they filmed the much delayed sequel which featured Kevin Pollock in old man makeup and an odd Bruce Willis wig. Will Matrix Revolution and it’s perplexing gas masks run, duck and dodge its way to victory?