The Top Five Cinematic Locations You Should Avoid
I recently wrote a piece about the blood bath rave in Blade and it got me thinking about terrible cinematic places I wouldn’t want to be. So, I went through my favorite movies and picked five places that would be a nightmare to either call home or visit. I can 100% guarantee you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near these places.
Let us know what locations you wouldn’t want to visit in the comments.
1. The Slaughterhouse Club – Blade
If a person you don’t know invites you to a rave at an undisclosed location don’t go. What might seem fun in the short term, could turn out to be a living nightmare as jerky vampires laugh at you while blood pours from the ceiling. You would never find me at one of these places, and if was unlucky enough to be there, I’d be hoping a random vampire slayer shows up and saves the day.
Run away!
2. The Further – Insidious
Everything in The Further seems terrifying, and I guarantee the majority of the things in the place want to kill you. All the inhabitants are dangerous and between the Red Lipstick Demon, The Man Who Can’t Breath and Key Face there is zero chance of making it out of the place alive — or with your sanity intact. In you are in The Further it means that something terrible has happened, and you had no choice but to willingly travel into the worst place on earth. No thanks.
Elise is a gangster
3. Standing above the Great Pit of Carkoon Which is Home to the Sarlacc – Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi
According to C-3P0 and Wookiepedia, the Sarlacc monster digests things over very long periods of time. I’d hate to fall into the thing and slowly digest inside of it. Also, how terrible would it be to have the walk the plank into its mouth? I can’t think of a more terrible death (aside from being eaten by the Rancor).
Gross.
4. New York City – The Marvel Cinematic Universe
Between alien attacks, crime kingpins and a deluge of super villains, the New York City inside the MCU world seems like the most dangerous place on earth. It never gets a reprieve and attacks by maniacal villains are always around the corner (or through a portal). The best case scenario is you live in Hell’s Kitchen and have to deal with Daredevil battling Kingpin or some lower level crime boss who isn’t interested in wiping out blocks of innocent people. The worst that can happen in the Daredevil world is your apartment building is slightly damaged or your car gets dented when somebody falls on it. Also, I really hope somebody renews Daredevil.
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5. A House Full of Lions – Roar
Roar took 11 years to film and 70 crew members were injured in the process. It was originally supposed to be about the preservation of African wildlife but it soon took on a life of its own. The movie rambles along at lightning speed and basically focuses on a family having a terrible time in Africa. Shooting with the lions was crazy and people suffered lacerations, bone fractures, scalping and gangrene. It is considered to the most dangerous movie ever made and producer/writer/director Noel Marshall was lucky that he was able to cast his two sons John and Jerry, his wife Tippi Hedren (The Birds) and her daughter Melanie Griffith. In an interview with the New York Post John Marshall had this to say about his dad:
“Dad was a f–king a–hole to do that to his family,”
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Where would you avoid? Let us know in the comments.
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The MFF Podcast #172: Venom, Tater Tots and Chocolate
The famous “turd in the wind” line is about to happen.
You can download or stream the pod on Spotify, Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about the excellent 2018 superhero flick Venom. We love this movie and appreciate how Tom Hardy dove into the role and managed to make a head eating glob of goo likable. In this podcast you will hear us talk about tater tots, symbiotes and the negatives of owning a car wash. If you are a fan of Venom you will love this podcast. Also, we put together the greatest superhero squad of all time.
Venom needs more chocolate.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download or stream the pod on Spotify, Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Collector (2009), the intersection of a satisfyingly brutal Saw-wannabe and a booby-trapped You’re Next (2013) home invasion.
MY CALL: A mean-spirited brutal film with a weak plot, but promising much fun for fans of gore, torture and shocking death scenes. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Collector: For more brutal torture porn, try the Saw movies (2004-2010, 2017) and The Collection (2012). I’d also suggest You’re Next (2013) and Martyrs (2008).
Desperate for money, Arkin (Josh Stewart; The Collection, Insidious: The Last Key, The Haunting of Molly Hartley) plans a home invasion to steal jewels from his employer. However, much to his surprise, another criminal with more insidious motives has rigged the home into deadly trapped house of horrors.
The opening scene feels a lot like a Saw sequel, and that’s essentially what we’re getting except with a much more simple plot. I mean, it’s entertaining, but nowhere nearly as thoughtfully engaging. Our mastermind killer’s traps seem either crude (to the point of being uninteresting at first glance) or unlikely to be triggered, but of course most of them are. And I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoyed it—being a gorehound who doesn’t mind the occasional brutally mean film.
Whatever you thought of Jigsaw’s elaborate scenarios, this all strikes me as more far-fetched if only because the killer had one day to kidnap the homeowners, install numerous new deadbolts, and set up all those traps. Doors and windows are locked or barricaded, phones and possible weapons (like scissors and golf clubs) are booby-trapped, trigger wires abound, bear traps litter the floor and razor wire spiderwebs one of the rooms. The Collector (Juan Fernández; In Hell) has turned this upper-class home into a death house.
There’s decent blood and wound work, the sticky acid floor “cat scene” provides some memorable gooey silliness (unless you’re sensitive to animals dying in movies), there’s a healthy complement of guts, lips are stitched shut, fish hooks are used to wincingly uncomfortable degrees, and we see some rather inspired use of a dead guy’s head as sort of a makeshift battering ram (and it gets messy). Just in case the very nature of this exploitative film wasn’t apparent enough, there’s also a healthy dose gratuitous nudity (Madeline Zima; Californication, Heroes) with our killer watching and licking his lips like Leatherface.
Writer (Saw IV-VII, Piranha 3DD, Feast I-III) and director Marcus Dunstan (The Collection) has, needless to say, crafted a mean-spirited film in Saw’s likeness, but completely lacking any of Saw’s story-telling elegance or character development. So, if you want to see a movie that’s just mean for the sake of being mean (and gory), maybe this is right up your alley. But I wouldn’t broadly recommend to fans of the Saw franchise unless they outwardly didn’t care much for a feasible plot… which, honestly, I don’t. So I enjoyed this.
If you awkwardly giggle when hard-to-watch scenes make you wince and if you delight in abrupt death scenes that may just provoke an outburst of laughter as you jump and point at the screen, this is probably for you.
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The MFF Podcast #171: The Guest
You can download the pod on Spotify, Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about the 2014 action-horror film The Guest. We love The Guest and think director Adam Wingard did a fine job blending elements from The Terminator and Halloween together and creating something new and exciting. The movie gets better with each viewing, and it’s left us wanting more adventures featuring Dan Stevens and Maika Monroe battling each other while exchanging fun dialogue. In this podcast, you will hear us talk about tubes of death, jogging long distances and whether or not we liked working on film sets.
Dan Stevens is the best.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Spotify, Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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MFF Special: How Many Gallons of Blood Came Out of the Sprinklers During the Rave in Blade?
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A lot of blood is wasted during the rave in Blade. I get that the yuppy vampires lead by Deacon Frost don’t care about wasting blood, however, it seems like they’d have to ice skate uphill in order to throw a secret blood party inside a slaughterhouse and install a standalone sprinkler system that keeps blood from congealing in the hours before the vampire rave kicks off. In honor of Blade and it’s generous wasting of cinematic blood, I decided to figure out how much of the red liquid came out of the sprinklers during the 75 seconds that it poured onto the vampire dancers. After copious research of irrigation systems and blood (my google search history must seem weird) I’ve come to the conclusion that somewhere around 425 gallons of blood poured out of the sprinklers, which means they drained blood from either 41 cows, 283 adults (think Blade: Trinity) or collected 3,400 one pint donations from the blood banks they have all around the world (Blade 2).
Here is what I know:
- The blood rave lasts 75 seconds and would take hours to clean up. I feel bad for the cleaning crew.
- The blood comes from 20 different sprinklers that are placed in the ceiling of the slaughterhouse/dancing club.
- There is another irrigation system that must be for potential fires and cleaning off the bloody dancers after the rave is over.
- The average office sprinkler system uses 8-24 gallons per minute. The blood is really pouring out of the the sprinklers, so I went with 17 gallons per minute.
- Blood was definitely coming out of the sprinklers.
- 99.7% of the blood hits the floor.
- The vampires must’ve created a machine that keeps the blood from coagulating or congealing.
- The meat packing plant is a front for a weird human blood drive system.
- Vampires don’t care about permanently damaging their clothes.
Here is what I’m guessing:
- Since the rave takes place in a slaughterhouse they must be getting the blood from the animals. However, I wouldn’t put it past them to jerkily use human blood.
- I think the vampire overlords (AKA Udo Kier) wouldn’t be pleased to know that hundreds of gallons of human blood was being wasted on EDM loving vampires.
- Since they made the “Blood Rave” sign I’m thinking they’ve done it before.
- The vampire DJ worked the venue before and knows where to put the speakers for optimal output.
- They don’t really drink any of the blood…..so it must not be human blood?
- There is no cover charge for the party.
- The invitations were sent via email.
- The vampires can’t leave the building with blood stained clothes, so, they must’ve brought a change of clothes to wear after the rave ends. Also, it probably ends around 4:00AM so the vampires can get home before the sun comes up.
- It wasn’t hard for Blade to find the rave. I’m guessing a vampire told a friend, who told another friend and the guest list spiraled out of control. Thus, Blade could simply track an unwitting vampire who was carrying an overnight bag to the party.
Final Conclusion:
At least 425 gallons of animal blood came out of the sprinklers designed especially for the blood rave. It’s too bad that Blade found the location because they must’ve spent a decent amount of time and money to create the event space.
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John’s Horror Corner: Dreams in the Witch House (2005), Stuart Gordon’s adaptation of H. P. Lovecraft’s story for Masters of Horror.
MY CALL: An entertaining horror segment, but not quite worthy of being a full-fledged film. MORE MOVIES LIKE Dreams in the Witch House: For more Lovecraftian adaptations, try The Unnamable (1988), The Unnamable 2: The Statement of Randolph Carter (1992), The Resurrected (1991), Lurking Fear (1994), Dagon (2001) and The Dunwich Horror (1970). And while not “officially” based on any one Lovecraftian work, there’s also In the Mouth of Madness (1994) and The Void (2016).
A physics graduate student of the Miskatonic University, Walter (Ezra Godden; Dagon) is torn between questioning his sanity and suspicions that he’s been sleepwalking after renting a room in an old house previously the residence of a 17th century witch. Walter is haunted by a series of disturbing dreams, he wakes up in strange places, and he comes to fear for the lives of his neighbor and her infant.
The special effects are serviceable but nothing to brag about. When Walter has dreams of a rat with a human face, it seems like something from a PG-13 horror for kids; very Goosebumps-ish. Then he is seduced by a sultry naked witch (Chelah Horsdal; Altitude, AVP: Requiem) in a disturbing sex scene and there is a satisfyingly gushy eye-gouging scene. But for me, the most entertaining bits were the final scene with the human-faced rat (during the gory finale) and the simple inclusion of the flesh-bound Necronomicon as we’ve seen in so many horror films before (e.g., Jason Goes to Hell, Evil Dead, The Babysitter, The Unnamable).
Based on the story (of the same name) by H. P. Lovecraft, this is probably the weakest work by director Stuart Gordon (Dagon, The Pit and the Pendulum, Re-Animator, From Beyond). The writing is a bit dry and, outside of the star (Godden), the performances seem unrefined—as if trained actors walked in and did one take without feeling out the characters. If it were a bit shorter—clipping exposition but keeping all the effects scenes—it would make a fine segment for a lower budget anthology film. And, being part of the Masters of Horror series, I essentially view it as part of a huge anthology.
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MY CALL: A maniacally slapstick, ultra-gory horror comedy that checks its scares at the door to reach all new levels of hilarious, gross nonsense. MOVIES LIKE Dead Snow: For more Nazi horror, go for Dead Snow (2009), Green Room (2015), Yoga Hosers (2016), Manborg (2011), Hellboy (2004), Zombie Lake (1981), Oasis of the Zombies (1982), Frankenstein’s Army (2013), Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge (1991), Puppet Master: The Legacy (2003), Puppet Master: Axis of Evil (2010), Puppet Master X: Axis Rising (2012) and Puppet Master: Axis Termination (2017).
After a Bruce Campbell-inspired chainsaw self-amputation, Dead Snow (2009) ended with the now one-armed medical student Martin (Vegar Hoel; Dead Snow, Kill Buljo 2, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters) getting to his car to escape the worst Easter holiday ever! Following a quick recap of part 1, we pick up exactly where it left off and enjoy all the enthusiastic intestinal shenanigans of its predecessor!
The energy is high as we jump right into the deep end of gore with haphazard attempts to give a Nazi zombie mouth-to-mouth rescue breathing, possessed/marionetted murderous rage, blatant guts-strangling and organ-brandishing, bare-handed scalping and chunky head-smashing, general blood-splattering stabbery, some just plain cruel zombie crotch humor, projectile vomit and even vomit-eating! Yuck! It likewise captures the same levels of silliness, in fact drastically more so, and the gore is consistently abundant.
Written (in part) and directed by Tommy Wirkola (Dead Snow, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead), this sequel gets a tad meta when Martin recruits the help of a group of zombie “believers”: Daniel (Martin Starr; Intruders, This is the End), Monica (Jocelyn DeBoer) and Blake (Ingrid Haas).
Excerpt from Mark’s review: “Dead Snow 2 is so full of life and ludicrous characters that you can’t help but enjoy the ride… It is excessive (miles of intestines are pulled), inventive and ends on a tank fist fight… Dead Snow 2 is most certainly not for everybody. It follows the sequel rules of bigger is better and never attempts to stay on the rails.”
This sequel feels less like a standard horror comedy and more like a comedy action horror; that is to say, less Evil Dead 2 (1987) and more Army of Darkness (1992). Martin gains use of the head Nazi zombie’s magical arm and uses it to raise a Russian legion (of the dead) of his own. With this, we enjoy zombie versus zombie melee action galore and goofy zombie field medics to draw grins, but almost no moments of nervous urgency as we experienced watching characters getting picked off one by one in Dead Snow. Any notion of dread has been replaced by supercharged slapstick horror violence and maniacal blood-lusted smiles.
And whereas this is a pretty entertaining horror comedy which aims high and brings greater scale, it doesn’t quite have the charm of part 1 which felt more dire, spent less time fully immersed in silliness, and enjoyed bright blood red over stark white snow. However, what it retains from part 1 is its blood-caked mania. And for this, I still rank it highly entertaining and rewatchable.
MORE HORROR COMEDIES: For more horror comedies try Critters (1986) and sequels, Brain Damage (1988), Blood Diner (1987), Frankenhooker (1990), Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh (1991), Leprechaun (1993) and sequels, Head of the Family (1996), American Psycho (2000), Shaun of the Dead (2004), The Hazing (2004), Black Sheep (2006), Dead Snow (2009), Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009), Chaw (2009), Piranha 3D (2010), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Final Destination 5 (2011), Chillerama (2011), Piranha 3DD (2012), Grabbers (2012), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Bad Milo (2013), Warm Bodies (2013), The Editor (2014), Burying the Ex (2014), The Voices (2014), Smothered (2014), What We Do in the Shadows (2014), Housebound (2014), Zombeavers (2014), The Voices (2014), Cooties (2015), Deathgasm (2015), Bloodsucking Bastards (2015), Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015), He Never Died (2015), Ava’s Possessions (2015), The Final Girls (2015), Krampus (2015; not exactly comedy, but occasionally hilarious), Love in the Time of Monsters (2015), The Greasy Strangler (2016), Better Watch Out (2016), Mayhem (2017), Happy Death Day (2017) and The Babysitter (2017).
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John’s Horror Corner: Dead Snow (2009; aka Død Snø), an extremely bloody Norwegian movie about Nazi zombies inspired by Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi.
MY CALL: Strongly inspired by Peter Jackson’s Dead-Alive (1992) and Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead franchise (1981-1992), this was silly and fun with some outstanding levels of gore, ridiculous circumstances and a healthy dash of manic humor. MOVIES LIKE Dead Snow: For more Nazi horror, go for Green Room (2015), Yoga Hosers (2016), Manborg (2011), Hellboy (2004), Zombie Lake (1981), Oasis of the Zombies (1982), Frankenstein’s Army (2013), Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge (1991), Puppet Master: The Legacy (2003), Puppet Master: Axis of Evil (2010), Puppet Master X: Axis Rising (2012) and Puppet Master: Axis Termination (2017).
What ever happened to nice cushy resorts? Working phones, indoor plumbing, people who you can call for help nearby… not here. A group of Norwegian medical students venture to an extremely remote arctic cabin for winter sports and party shenanigans. After learning the dark history of Nazi occupancy in the region, they discover a small treasure chest filled with gold coins that fuel Nazi zombies with murderous rage like the greedy Leprechaun (1993).
A combination of a lively soundtrack, congenial energy and playful flirting of the characters, prepare us for the kind of entertainment fueled more by fun gasps than frightened screams. Despite the opportunity to be quite dirty, the insinuations of sex lacked gratuitous nudity—keeping things much more classy than, say, the graphic sex scenes of the Wrong Turn sequels.
This gory film wears its Jackson-Raimi-flavored influence clearly on its sleeve. Once our zombies are introduced, some decent gore gags transpire—LOTS of intestines and head smashing and blood splatters, a head being ripped open and the brain plopping to the ground (like Dead-Alive, referenced additionally by Jeppe Beck Laursen’s Braindead shirt), some feisty applications of severed heads, chainsaw stuff (Evil Dead), and someone actually repels using intestines like rope!
This movie was very entertaining, and very dumb—or maybe silly is a better word. I mean, it’s something of a horror comedy and I’m pretty sure the writers knew exactly what they were doing. But even in a genre littered with characters making poor decisions or events that make no sense or monsters “magically” appearing in the darnedest places and times, this movie ranks high in this territory. But not to its detriment really. This movie is much more about sheer mania and the lovely stark contrast between a bright red blood-splattered face against the blaring white of the arctic landscape; a LOT of blood and a LOT of white snow. As the gore ramps up, circumstances grow ever more ridiculous.
I appreciate a good outhouse scene (e.g., The Hills Have Eyes II, Friday the 13th part V). Outhouses are places of vulnerability, claustrophobia, potential grossness and awkward humor. Drag a victim into the well below and, well, yeah—it’s gross. Even more so, I enjoyed how the gore continued to amplify as the film continued. Even when I thought it was already very bloody and gory, it subsequently reached Evil Dead (2013) levels of chunky massive quantities of gore such that the whites of one’s eyes practically glow against their gore-caked face. We even enjoy the utter screaming insanity of a chainsaw self-amputation.
Written (in part) and directed by Tommy Wirkola (Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead), I was happier with this film than I expected. I expected fun and dumb and probably mostly forgettable. What I got was silly and fun with some outstanding levels of manic gore. I’m now very excited to see part 2!
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The MFF Podcast #170: The Manitou
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about the B-movie classic The Manitou. We love this movie because it’s an unironic little film about an evil and ancient spirit growing on a woman’s neck. The Manitou is gloriously weird, and it’s probably the only film ever to feature lizard creatures, sand circles and frozen hospitals. An added bonus, is it features stellar actors like Tony Curtis and Burgess Meredith saying nonsense lines and giving stern lectures to ancient beings who happen to be evil. If you are a fan of weird horror movies you will love this pod.
Such a weird movie.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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Coconut Pete is out hero. Club Dread is a fun little movie.
You can download or stream the pod on Spotify, Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about movies that aren’t as bad as you’d think. We went through Rotten Tomatoes, IMDb and Metacritic and picked our favorite movies that have subpar scores. In this podcast you will hear about 30 Days of Night, Hell Fest, Club Dread, The Lone Ranger, Alien vs. Predator: Requiem and xXx: The Return of Xander Cage. It was a lot of fun talking about these films because we genuinely like them and don’t think they’re that bad (you will hear that a lot in this podcast). If you are a fan of jungle skiing, jerky aliens and Bill Paxton using lots of profanity you will love this podcast.
The bird’s eye view shot in 30 Days of Night is epic.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download or stream the pod on Spotify, Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Movies, Films & Flix 