The MFF Podcast #139: Resident Evil, zombie infections and evil corporation hiring practices.
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SUMMARY: This week we discuss Paul W. S. Anderson’s Resident Evil (2002), Milla Jovovich’s wardrobe and off-the-wall jump-kicking, the jerky artificial intelligence of the Red Queen, and the Umbrella Corporation’s hiring practices and on-boarding packages for new employees. As we answer some inspired Listener Questions we explore other major sci-horror franchise heroines (e.g., Weaver’s Ripley, Beckinsale’s Selene) and heroes (e.g., Arnold’s T-800), what other actresses could have filled Alice’s zombie butt-kicking boots, and what daily life is like for Umbrella’s staff.
For supplemental reading on the subject, check out this Resident Evil (2002) review and Resident Evil vs Underworld.
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 133: Fright Night (1985 vs 2011)
Episode 129: The Babysitter
Episode 128: A Cure for Wellness
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999 vs 2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Legacy (1978), where black magic, greedy heirs and meaningless house cats gather in the English countryside.
MY CALL: There’s a reason you’ve probably never heard of this. It’s a very low impact, unoriginal. But it’s still a decent film—even if it hardly feels like a horror movie. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Legacy: I can’t think of any similar films, but the story rests on the 70s satanic cult fearidemic. You really ought to watch The House of the Devil (2009) instead.
After receiving a lucrative and mysterious work offer from across the Atlantic, Americans Margaret (Katharine Ross; The Stepford Wives, Donnie Darko, The Swarm) and Pete (Sam Elliott; Frogs, Ghost Rider) travel to England for the job.
Sam Elliott (Road House, Tombstone, Thank You for Smoking) has always been one of the most skeptically cautious yet ruggedly cool cats in film. And that came across just as well here in the 70s. Although, in the present case, his character (Pete) could have done with yet a bit more skepticism when the wealthy Mountolive offers to host them after a motorcycle accident maroons them in the English countryside. Shortly after arriving to his antiquated mansion, several affluent guests arrive wardrobed in heavy fur coats, even heavier pretention, and a surprising knowledge of the Americans.
As the mystery of Mountolive’s failing health and the true reason for this gathering become apparent to Pete and Margaret, the other guests don’t seem so understanding of their desire to leave.
Mountolive’s (John Standing; The Elephant Man) manor is festooned with ancient artwork and overrun with cats. Like Amityville real estate, the house (or an occupant) takes malevolent action against its guests in a most unspectacular fashion typical of 70s cinema (or perhaps even 60s). A scaldingly hot shower hardly raised this filmgoer’s brow, the pool scene lacked the desired impact (e.g., a lackluster drowning), and no one ever cares when someone chokes to death on their dinner or gets chased by a pack of dogs. The only worthy death scene was the fireplace immolation (and seeing the remains), the tracheotomy was moderately effective, and the impaling mirror scene was a callback to Suspiria (1977).
Director Richard Marquand (Star Wars: Return of the Jedi) seemed to have made an adventure murder-mystery using a supernatural horror script. It’s a solid film, but so many components of the film simply don’t match. Better suited for a romantic adventure or family-friendly western or even a children’s movie, the score never comes close to fitting the desired tone of the film. It’s amusingly baffling, but the truth is, it squanders any potential for a dire or dark atmosphere. Sure, the film takes place largely in daylight, but people are dying and monstrous clawed hands are putting cursed rings on people. Moreover, people’s reactions never seem to match the urgency of situations or things witnessed. It’s like the actors weren’t told what their characters just saw.
All the while we have cats in half the scenes, either in plain sight or heard in the background. There’s even a cat on the movie poster. Why? There was not a significant cat scene to be found. Are cats associated with dark arts, black magic and witchcraft? Sure. But peppering them throughout a film with no explanation seems silly. I was wondering if they harbored souls of past victims of the house or were sentinels of a master. Perhaps, but we viewers were privy to none of that.
Ultimately, this was an interesting and underwhelming film that felt like it misfired its genre quite a bit in terms of direction. Wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, but don’t regret watching it either.
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John’s Horror Corner: Witchery (1988), an aimless haunted house movie starring David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair.
MY CALL: Just another B-horror movie in which a bunch of random stuff happens to poorly stitch together an empty plot. I guess it was entertaining. MORE MOVIES LIKE Witchery: I can’t think of much since this was so pointlessly random—although not quite as random as Superstition (1982). Despite the marketing, it’s not really a follow-up to Ghosthouse (1988; although both are pretty random) and is of no relation to Witchcraft (1989).
Also released as Ghosthouse II, Witchcraft, Evil Encounters and even La Casa 4 (i.e., Ghosthouse), this movie begins as haphazardly as its title marketing with a pregnant women being chased to her death by an angry mob of villagers.
Gary (David Hasselhoff; Piranha 3DD) and Leslie (Leslie Cumming; Zombie 5: Killing Birds) visit the ill-fated coastal Massachusetts house where it all happened while working on a book project. During their research trip, a very pregnant Jane (Linda Blair; The Exorcist I-II, Hell Night) and others arrive to appraise the lonely island estate and everyone ends up stranded overnight. Just one problem, it’s haunted by an elderly German actress’ ghost and the island has a history of witch burnings.
Overnight, the house essentially snatches sinners into a Hellish alternate dimension to torture and feed on them in order to open the three doors between their worlds. That’s all fine, but the execution will leave you scratching your head as a bunch of random crap happens but none of it seems related. Like “why is the ghost German” or “why does it matter that she was an actress?”
Director Fabrizio Laurenti (The Crawlers) messily crafted a haunted house movie that makes no sense at all. The scenes include spectral (and actual) appearances of a strange old lady, a psychedelic bathtub drain trip complete with dead fetus shenanigans, some mean lip-stitching (a decent special effect) followed by a chimney slow-roasted old lady, someone is crucified and another is impaled on a wall-mounted swordfish, an infernal rape nightmare sequence and sacrilegious imagery, a very artery-bursting gushy voodoo doll death, a crazy-haired possession of a pregnant woman, and a totally forgettable (and boring) twist at the end.
The only thing that made sense about this movie was that David Hasselhoff needed a paycheck between Knight Rider (1982-1986) and Baywatch (1989-2000). Watch it for laugh… if it’s free… and you have a good back-up movie for afterwards.
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Paradox (2017; aka Sha Po Lang 3), plenty of gritty crime thriller drama, not enough of Tony Jaa’s martial arts.
MY CALL: I miss the technical action soundness that Jaa brings to the table, and I missed it in this film, too. Not enough Tony Jaa—that’s criticism #1. But this film brought solid drama and crime thriller elements to an emotionally fueled journey and there was its strong suit. Not only that, but it was visually striking. Solid film. MOVIES LIKE Kill Zone 2: Well, this is a sequel… so Kill Zone (2005; aka SPL) and Kill Zone 2 (2015; aka SPL 2) along with the far more brutal The Raid: Redemption (2011).
Hong Kong cop Lee Chung Chi (Louis Koo; Flashpoint, Kill Zone 2) teams up with Thai detective Chui Kit (Yue Wu; Birth of the Dragon) after his daughter is kidnapped in Thailand for illegal organ trafficking.
Director Wilson Yip (Ip Man 1-4, Kill Zone) recruited some familiar SPL actors to new and different roles here in the SPL series. So, while this may be a sequel, there is no actual character continuity. And that’s a shame—as the action here simply does not measure up to SPL 2. Kill Zone 2 (2015; aka SPL 2) was so much more brutal, exciting and interesting than Kill Zone (2005; aka SPL) or Paradox. But this film has its merits. From cityscapes to waterfront views, this film is gorgeously shot! And speaking in terms of emotional character depth, it exceeds its predecessors.
Past SPL installments did well with the rage that fuels revenge and the anger that can seep into all aspects of one’s life. This third SPL film continues to capture this, while also including profound senses of protection, desperation and bargaining in our paternal protagonist (Chi). The flashbacks sew flesh over Chi’s vulnerability, guilt and humanity.
Both experienced action stars, Koo and Wu have their fair share of stunts. But in a world where I’ve seen SPL 2 and Tony Jaa’s marathoning maelstrom of maneuvers, this yields little impact beyond providing decent pacing to this action movie. However, this is more a gritty crime film than a martial arts film—for the first 40 minutes at least. But once Jaa (Tony Jaa; Ong-Bak, The Protector, Skin Trade, Kill Zone 2, Furious 7) is on the scene, things pick up and they pick up fast for as long as he holds the screen.
The action choreography remains gritty and largely realistic in the scope of human-capable Jackie Chan stunt standards. However, there is a steady (but only light to moderate) physics-defiant aspect of wirework and a light seasoning of nigh-supernatural Shaolin monk featdom. No one is doing Crouching Tiger Jedi jumps, but there are more than a few moments that are impossible—even if just by a little bit. Normally, in more realistic martial arts movies, this would bother me (a lot). But it’s uncommon and relies more on practical combat than unrealistic stunts to advance the spin-kicking dialogue (i.e., to decide a victor).
There are three major martial arts sequences. The early perp pursuit with Koo and Wu, the second perp pursuit which includes Jaa on the rooftop, and the meat warehouse finale.
My greatest criticism of this film is that Jaa was far underutilized. That, and the lack of SPL 2’s immense choreographical prowess, hold this sequel back significantly. As we move into the meat warehouse battle finale the scything cleaver blades of whirling dervishes certainly entertain. Koo and Wu’s characters blitz the bad guys, the fight gets brutal when meat hooks come into play, and there’s barely a millisecond to take a breath between swings, clangs and parries.
I may miss the level of technical action that Jaa can bring, but this piece of Asian action cinema brought solid drama and crime thriller elements to an emotionally fueled journey transforming from rescue to revenge as the plot advanced. And, as I mentioned before, this film is visually striking despite having few non-city scenes. Solid film.
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MY CALL: Perhaps better than average, I’d recommend this to any horror anthology fan. The special effects are weak and few, but the film largely works past this flaw with some fun story turns.
MORE HORROR ANTHOLOGIES: Dead of Night (1945), Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), The Uncanny (1977), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Deadtime Stories (1986), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990), Two Evil Eyes (1990), Grimm Prairie Tales (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Creepshow 3 (2006), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013), V/H/S 2 (2013), The Profane Exhibit (2013), The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), V/H/S Viral (2014), Southbound (2015), Tales of Halloween (2015), A Christmas Horror Story (2015), The ABCs of Death 2.5 (2016), Holidays (2016) and XX (2017).
Our provocative wraparound tale (Allison’s Story) introduces Allison (Jillian McWhirter; Progeny, The Dentist 2, Strangeland) and Cheryl (Pamela Adlon; Gate 2, Louie) to their new professor Dr. Derek (Ramy Zada; Two Evil Eyes), who uses extreme methods to teach his course on The Psychology of Fear. To complement their studies, they meet at Zada’s house to tell scary stories to explore their fears…
The first story is about a young couple whose car breaks down by an old manor with a murderous past. With no other option for help and noticing a light on in the purportedly abandoned home, Kevin (Marc McClure; Superman I-IV, Grimm Prairie Tales) and Joan (Nadine Van der Velde; Critters, Munchies) suspect that someone moved into The Old Dark House. This segment takes a very different path than expected and wanders into familiar territory when a misunderstanding turns deadly. This was a great segment!
After a strong start, this anthology hits a pothole with a much weaker entry. A Night on the Town follows four teenage girls getting lost in a bad part of town, chased by a filthy rapey vagrant, and attacked by his pack of dogs. Despite seeing some familiar faces–Judie Aronson (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Weird Science) and Penelope Sudrow (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3)—this was my least favorite segment and, worth noting, this one is not for dog lovers. The acting and writing were poor and nothing interesting happens.
The third segment (All Night Operator) stars Marg Helgenberger (CSI, Mr. Brooks, Species 1-2) as an answering service operator having a difficult night shift with a disturbed phone stalker. This segment was more middle of the road, feeling like a lesser episode of Tales from the Crypt (1989-1986). Helgenberger fares well, but the other performances felt weak and did little for the basic premise. However predictable, I appreciated the execution of its ending.
Ken and Jim Wheat (writers of The Fly II, Pitch Black, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4) team up to write and direct this so-so, clunky horror anthology. The writing quality varied considerably from one segment to another, dropping considerably after the opening wraparound and The Old Dark House set such admirably high standards at the start.
The segments seem unlinked until the conclusion of the Allison’s Story at the end, one of the better wraparound around stories among horror anthologies. It may not measure up to the wraparounds of Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)s or Trick ‘r Treat (2007), but few ever could. Allison’s Story closes with the best special effects of the film—a murderous stop-motion skeleton hunting the final girl through the settings of the aforementioned segments.
Thankfully, the film closes as strong as its opening!
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John’s Horror Corner: Days of Darkness (2007), a zombie movie about alien reproduction and mutant fetuses.
MY CALL: This starts out formulaic and low budget to a lame fault, then takes the subgenre in a new and gross biological direction. Only recommended to the zombie movie completists out there. MOVIES LIKE Days of Darkness: For some zombie films worth watching, go for Return of the Living Dead Part 1-3 (1985-1993), the Romero trilogy (1968-1985), the Fulci trilogy (1980-1981, 28 Days Later (2002), Shaun of the Dead (2004), The Returned (2013), Train to Busan (2016) and The Girl with All the Gifts (2016).
After a regrettably weak CGI meteor crosses our galaxy (not unlike Night of the Living Dead) and finds its way to Earth, the world is infected with zombiism. Not 12 hours into the zombie invasion and there’s a squad of “survivors” so savvy to the “zombie rules” you’d think they survived a few seasons of The Walking Dead—even though zombies only existed since last night.
Writer (in part) and director Jake Kennedy (Fangoria Blood Drive II: segment We All Fall Down) isn’t the strongest filmmaker, nor did he recruit the best actors. The performances, editing, writing, zombie make-up and characterizations of zombies were weak across the board. There’s a strong student film vibe here and, if that’s the case, then I applaud him. If not, then… well… for all its flaws I can tell he was trying. Just try not to turn it off 9 minutes into it when the porn star (Marian Tomas Griffin) gives her exposition dump of a moral high ground monologue about motherhood. Or at 11 minutes when the religious zealot gives his “this is my character” intro about the end of the world.
At first, everything we see and hear smacks hard of only the most boringly familiar territory of apocalypse and zombie tropes. However, some aspects definitely separate this from all other zombie fare. For example, the zombies develop external scrotum-like amniotic sacks (much as in The Brood) producing mutant regenerating humanoid fetuses.
Whereas the majority of the special effects were pretty disappointing, the zombie autopsy gets satisfyingly gooey as our characters learn about their apocalyptic foes. And while not necessarily impressive creature effects, it’s always fun with a mutant zombie fetus crawls up walls and leaps at one of our unwary survivors and, might I add, with zero CGI to be found in the monster effects.
Things actually take a pretty weird turn when some infected women become lusty succubus-like temptresses and “attack” victims with tentacles from their reproductive system. Yes, you read that right. Sexual tentacle attacks. It’s like a live-action sci-horror hentai for a couple scenes. Oh, and watch out for the birth scene!
It’s feisty, it tries, it does some things differently that deviates from zombie subgenre tropes… but is it worth it? Probably not really. Not unless you’re reeeeeally curious about it.
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MY CALL: This was decently entertaining, but honestly totally empty. I won’t recommend it, but I don’t regret buying it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Truth or Dare: For more weird horror “game” movies like this try Cheap Thrills (2013), Would You Rather (2012), Beyond the Gates (2016), 13 Sins (2014) and The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond (2009). Although I’d really only recommend the first two of that list… maybe just Cheap Thrills (2013).
NOTE: This review is of the UNRATED version. Although, I couldn’t tell.
Oh, thank God! Good characters! Not five minutes into this film and already I’m pleasantly surprised by the acting quality. No wooden characters blurting out one cliched self-expository proclamation after another about their troped-up jock, nerd, stoner or slutty selves. Just normal college students being normal non-catty friends. After a well-edited Mexican Spring Break vacation montage we readily assimilate to their fun nature and we’re prepared to perhaps actually care a bit about what happens to them.
After meeting a stranger at a club, they are invited for drinks at an abandoned venue to play a game of Truth or Dare. It’s playful and amusing enough, until this stranger (Landon Liboiron; Hemlock Grove, The Howling: Reborn, Altitude) reveals his intentions to pass the curse of the game onto Olivia (Lucy Hale; Scream 4) and her friends so that he may survive. Much as in It Follows (2014), our now uncursed perpetrator explains the rules of the deadly malady to its new players.
Back from vacation and back to class, they must now choose truth or dare when spectrally challenged, and do so unwaveringly, or die. At first the challenges are quite doable—even standard to the game. Show some strangers your junk; reveal something incriminating. But the truths and dares grow more dire, and so are the consequences.
Director Jeff Wadlow (Cry Wolf, Kick-Ass 2) is neither veteran nor rookie when it comes to horror, heavy-handed brutal violence or R-rated humor. The Truth or Dare demon communicates through illusions of Joker-smiling acolytes and possesses its unruly players to kill them in a sort of watered down Final Destination style. We see victims lit cruelly on fire, accidental neck breaks, eye gauges, self-inflicted gunshot wounds, and an off-screen slit throat. If that doesn’t sound very impressive, it’s because it isn’t.
The kills don’t pack much punch. Sorry. There’s nothing shocking or suspenseful about walking your roof while drinking a bottle of liquor on an infernal dare. And in a world of Saw films and a new great indie era for the genre, guns are weak sauce unless envelopes are pushed hard (more like The Purge). This film appeals to us more with its characters and the threat of death, than the actual death scenes themselves. And unfortunately, the final act takes a turn towards meaningless exposition dumps to hand-waive away a possible solution to this malady while cheapening the remaining characters. Sigh.
After our main characters’ introduction, there’s nothing particularly impressive about this film outside of its filmmakers’ proficiency and its basic ability to entertain on a low budget. It may not be Happy Death Day (2017) quality, but what Blumhouse films are? There are few of such caliber. That said, I’m not sure how a movie like this (i.e., a film reliant on random death scene scenarios) even could thrive on such a low budget without a well-thought gimmick.
But just when I thought all was squandered… stick around to the end. Maybe this can be salvaged. There’s a great closing twist!
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Welcome to MFF’s Sea Beast week! This article was originally published in 2017 but we brought it back because it’s pretty great.
Why did the control center have to be so far away!
Do you ever wonder how long it took the Merman to travel from the elevators to the control room in The Cabin in the Woods? I sure have. After doing an excessive amount of analysis (E.G. pausing to count the number of steps on a staircase) I have an answer that is based on guesswork and actual data. Much like my other posts that center around Michael Myers using his blinker, sharks scheming underwater and Leatherface running. I’ve done as much homework as possible to make an educated guess.
If you haven’t watched The Cabin in the Woods it centers around a bunch of good-looking people being killed to satiate the ancient god’s thirst for sacrifices. Helping the Gods are a bunch of office drones who make sure the killing goes off without a hitch. One of the main controllers Hadley (Bradley Whitford) is fascinated by the murderous Merman who never seems to get picked by the unwitting victims. In true horror comedy fashion, irony strikes when he is killed by the Merman when everything goes wrong.
The problem is the slow-moving creature had to crawl its way through long corridors and down some stairs to find his target. Watch this behind the scenes clip to see how slow it moves.
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After watching and rewatching various clips from the movie I’ve patched together a likely path the Merman had to take. First, let me start off by telling you that the Merman moves at a very slow pace of 41.25 feet every 60 seconds. Basically, it reaches out one of its arms and pulls itself forward very slowly. The most curious thing about the Merman is that there is no blood on its body when it finally attacks Hadley. Thus, it must’ve stayed away from the chaos and not murdered anyone because he is really clean. Here is the initial attack
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I believe the Merman was one of the first creatures to be delivered by the elevators because it didn’t have to crawl through the insane amounts of blood. It exited the elevator and made its way through roughly 264 feet of corridors on the 100 level. I came up with 264 feet when I tracked the time it took for the armed guards to reach the elevators. I clocked them doing a 15-minute mile (5280 / 15 = 352 feet a minute) and I did the math from there. They cautiously walked through the corridors for roughly 45 seconds (264 feet) and I believe their main security station was close to the staircase that the Merman had to go down. Take a look at the video to get a feel for the building.
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Once at the stairs, the Merman had to go down approximately 40 feet of steps (we need this deleted scene). Why did he have to go downstairs? In the beginning of the film, Hadley and Sitterson are walking on the 100 level to get some coffee. You can clearly see they have to go down a staircase to get to their golf cart. Also, during the attack, you will notice the creatures going downstairs to attack their prey as well. I believe the 100 level was where the elevators exited the monsters because during the unicorn attack you see a sign for room 100. I don’t think the unicorn had a chance to go down some stairs so 100 level it is!
After they make the trek downstairs the duo get into a golf cart and go to the control office. I’m wagering the trip had to be at least 300 feet to warrant taking a golf cart. Since these two guys seem bored with their job and caught in a routine I think they take the cart everywhere out of boredom. Throw in an added 20 feet to get into the large control center and the total jumps up to 320 feet.
They have a sweet setup.
The Merman had to travel 624 feet (264 + 40 + 300 + 20) in order to kill Hadley and create a whole lot of irony. Since Mr. Merman could only move 41.25 feet every minute the trip took a total of at least 15.127 minutes (+/- 30 seconds.). I initially thought the scene played out in real time but after destroying my soul with multiple brutal viewings I started really watching the video screens that showed the villains corralling various workers and killing them in Saw-esque fashion.
I am 93.456% certain that 15 minutes was the minimum amount of time needed to make the deadly trip. The Merman didn’t waste time killing anybody else and his 15-minute crawl left plenty of time for professional/mythical killers to horribly kill people via fire, chains, and gross surgery. Here is a drawing of the trip to give you a visual flavor.
There you have it! I’ve tracked the Merman’s journey!
Make sure to share this on Facebook, Twitter and other places where people will love random horror movie data!
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I love the Sharkdropper podcast and recently they had an incredibly bizarre episode that featured an interview with the crew of the Florida filmed movie Squid Lake (Listen to it now! It is glorious). It featured crying, alcohol consumption and I’m pretty certain something really bad was going to happen afterwards. However, I loved listening to the pod so I found the crew members and talked to them about Squid Lake.
The following post is an oral history of the film Squid Lake. It only screened one time at a tiny theater (which I was at) and has since become a word of mouth legend. Before I get into the post I wanted to briefly introduce you to a movie that has been burnt in my memory for years.
I remember walking out of the Conch Shell Cinema on St. Petersburg beach and seeing a poster that would change my life. The poster was a badly photoshopped picture of a lake with an ink blot in it. It was so bad I had to take a picture.
My curiosity was piqued so I stopped by the ticket counter to see what the movie was about. I talked to the manager and he told me the movie was sold out. However, if I helped promote the film he would give me a ticket. I agreed and he gave me some flyers to hand out.
“Squid Lake tells the terryifing (sic) tale of a squid attacking the denizens of a small town located next to the great lakes.”
The night of the screening was insane. The theaters third largest auditorium was sold out (200 seats) and the the following 75 minutes might have been the weirdest experience of my life. The drunk crowd went insane for the film and they clapped, fought and laughed their way through the entire film. It was a scary atmosphere and when the movie ended the raucous crowd carried out the star of the film on their shoulders and the ensuing after party ended up on the news due to several store fronts and cars being destroyed. I had never seen a reaction like that to any film and the experience opened my eyes to what bad cinema can do.
Here is the crew I was able to locate.
Steve Balsawood – Actor
Debra Winters – Production Designer
Hank Cleveland – Actor/Prop Master
Mason Jar – Beach Theater Manager
Chuck Finley – Cameraman/props/grip/electric/craft services/transportation.
Steve Balsawood – I was working at a gas station when a man walked in and loitered around the store for about an hour. When he finally walked up to the counter he told me he no money to buy the items he had in his hands, but he would give me a role in his film If I paid for them. I agreed because I had nothing better going on and he quickly added several more items to his tally.
Hank Cleveland – I remember this guy comes pulling up to the swimming pool store I worked at and he asked me if I owned a house and had a pool. It was a forward question, but I figured he was a customer looking for advice. I said “yes” and he told me I could act in his film if the production could use my house. He said he would pay me $700 at the completion of the film and that I would be a star. I had always wanted to act ,so I was pumped.
Debra – I recently graduated from online film school and was screening my thesis film about Albanian refugees at the St. Petersburg Conch Shell Cinema. The screening was a success and I was approached by a man who wanted me to design his film. I was already accepted into an internship in LA and had the summer free so I figured some set experience would be nice. He gave me $35 dollars and told me I needed to develop a squid and underwater scene. He then took $10 out of the $35 and told me to meet at the Burg laundromat on the following Thursday. He then dumped loads of free mints into his bag and walked away.
Chuck Finley – I was friends with Debra at the online film school and she asked if I could go with her to see if this movie was actually legit. I had some reservations, but I was so deep in debt from my thesis film about World War 2 ninjas I needed anything for my reel to help me get a job. Also, please stop by worldninjas.fundme.com to help me recoup my loses.
Debra – I was a little worried about bringing Chuck onto the production because he was a real loose cannon and had an almost out of control drug problem. He was a nightmare in the online classes, but he helped me edit my film. I didn’t want to go alone to meet Lenny so I figured at the very least Chuck would protect me.
Steve Balsawood – I met the crew at the laundromat and Lenny explained to us that he loved The Room and wanted to make a bad movie that would become a cult classic. He said there was no script or money, but he had a pretty good idea of what he wanted. He said we would shoot on weekends, and told me I would have to fight a squid, possibly have a love scene and deliver an Academy award winning monologue.
Debra Winger– Lenny once again took $5 out of the $25 I had left, and told me I needed a squid to be ready by the following Saturday. The $20 I had was a joke so I took some old PVC pipes and made a cone out of them. I then put a sheet over it and cut out some paper eyes and the squid was born. I knew it was shit but I had to spend the money on making the underwater scene.
The infamous squid.
Chuck Finley – I can’t really explain what Lenny looked like because I was having a lot of personal problems at the time. I do remember he said nobody would notice that we were going to use the Gulf of Mexico in lieu of a lake. I asked why we didn’t call it “Sea Squid” and he literally stared silently at me for several minutes. He broke the silence by asking me if he could use my cameras and that I could use all the footage later on for my reel. I then asked how the squid could’ve made it into the great lakes. He drew me this picture while staring at me the entire time.
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The first scene took place at Hank Cleveland’s rented house that had a swimming pool.
Steve – The first scene involved me and my girlfriend about to have sex. However, Lenny couldn’t find a woman so it was just me in a raft, in a swimming pool yelling at my girlfriend that I needed to finish my beer before I had sex.
Debra – Setting up the shot was a nightmare because Lenny wanted the camera to be directly above Steve. So, Chuck had to hang from the waterslide while Hank held his feet. I had no money for Squid appendages so I used Hank’s fun noodles that he had next to his pool. Lenny told me it had to be a surprise when I hit Steve. He wanted the reaction to be authentic.
Steve – I remember I was almost done reciting my line “Hold up broad, I’m drinking here” when I saw a fast moving noodle in the corner of my eye.
Debra – I didn’t mean to hit him in the eye, but the noodles are very unwieldy and I had only previously used them to float around in the ocean.
Chuck – The noodle hit Steve in the eye and he screamed out “Holy shit” and threw his beer bottle in the air. The beer bottle hit Hank in the face and he let go of my leg while yelling “you son of bitch!”. I slid down the slide and my camera hit Hank directly in the nose. Luckily, Debra was able to catch my belt on the way down but the camera lens cracked on Steve’s head. I was one day into the shoot and was already down $1,000.
Debra – The shot actually looks kinda cool because it was real blood gushing from Steve’s nose.
Hank – I remember Steve crawling out of the pool and running away. It pissed me off because he got a ton of blood in my house and had hit me in the face with that bottle.
Steve – I was drunk while filming the scene because of all the beer Steve bought. I’m not proud that I ran away from the house, but it just felt right.
Sidenote: The scene features zero editing and you can hear Hank in the background yelling “you son of a bitch!” I remember wondering if the blood was real. It was.
With the first week of filming completed the next scene involved Steve fighting a squid underwater. Instead of shooting underwater, Hank’s garage was used instead, This provided an interesting problem for Debra.
Steve Balsawood – The direction for the scene was that I was underwater and the squid was attacking me. Hank was still giving me crap for the beer bottle throw so I couldn’t wait to punch him in the face.
Debra – I bought $20 worth of saran wrap and hung it from the ceiling to make it look like it was underwater. I also drew, cut and pasted several fish onto the plastic wrap. It looked terrible.
The terrible props added to the charm of the film. Thank you Debra for the photos.
Steve – The set was all saran wrap but Lenny loved it. He was very excited about the bed sheet squid and gathered us around to talk about the squid fight. He told us “it needs to be primal and brutal and that Hank and I should not hesitate to throw haymakers at one another. That sounded good to me.
Debra – I gave Hank a helmet to wear under the costume because Steve had a weird look in his eye.
Hank – I tried wearing the helmet, but I couldn’t see anything under the sheet. So, I decided to not wear it.
Chuck – The fight got off to a rocky start because Hank was inside a bed sheet and could only maneuver his noodle arms like a rower in a ship.
Hank – So I’m rowing my arms trying to hit Steve and Lenny is yelling that we aren’t giving it our all. I accidentally tripped on the sheet and ended up headbutting Steve. That pissed him off so swung a haymaker at me.
Steve – My fist went clean through the sheet and knocked Hank out. He dropped to the floor and Lenny was screaming “keep fighting! Keep fighting!” So, I jumped on top of the squid and crushed the PVC pipe. I then started rolling around on the ground with Hank. I was really floundering so I started slapping Hank to wake him up.
Hank – I don’t know if you’ve ever been knocked out but it is really startling when you wake up. Steve was slapping my face and I was completely surrounded by a dirty sheet and pointy PVC pipes. I kinda went crazy and started swinging and screaming.
Chuck – I’m holding the camera in amazement as Steve and Hank are rolling around on the ground swinging and screaming at each other. Eventually, the massive amounts of saran wrap fell on them and got intertwined between them. It got to the point to where Steve couldn’t move and Hank landed about 40 unanswered hammer punches to the top of Steve’s head.
Steve – I figured the fight would be fair if I let him hit me a bunch of times.
Chuck – It got really brutal but I didn’t want to cut because I felt like they needed to resolve their issues.
Hank – I eventually calmed down and heard Lenny yell “cut!” I ripped off the sheet and saw Steve laying on the ground with a massive black eye and blood streaming from his nose. I guess I blacked out.
Debra – The tension was palpable and it was amazing. I was watching a train wreck and I thought that just maybe this movie could be bad enough to be good.
In the version I saw in the theater the fight lasts nine minutes and features two men rolling around on the ground and screaming obscenities at each other. Steve slaps an unconscious Hank for 90 seconds while taunting him. When Hank wakes up and starts screaming it becomes an animalistic battle between two men who have no idea how to fight. It is uncomfortable yet very watchable. It is never explained why there is a man inside the squid.
Debra – The following Saturday the crew (sans Steve) and I borrowed my dad’s boat and cruised around the ocean and shot about 45 minutes worth of ocean B-roll. I had no clue what the plan was but I remember Lenny saying we needed to film a moment with Steve’s character.
Chuck – Steve wasn’t there so Lenny told me to stand at the front of the boat while Debra filmed me staring at the ocean.
Hank – From what I can remember Chuck had to stand around acting like he was thinking for about ten minutes.
Chuck – It got really uncomfortable on that boat because I had to stare into the sun and think. I had just gotten off a pretty gnarly bender because I do my best drinking during the week. I was definitely dehydrated and was still feeling the effects of whatever I took the night before. The water was really choppy and I was already feeling sick, so about five minutes in I started throwing up.
Quick note: During the screening a 10 minute song sung by Lenny (?) plays over Chuck staring at the ocean (lake). The music even plays over Chuck’s vomiting which was oddly left in the final film. Also, it is never explained who this puking character is. Here are the some the lyrics that I found in my notes.
Life of the ocean
Squid on the shore
Breathing the lake air
I hope that squid won’t kill more
I don’t know where I am
Or what I wish
My legs can’t stand on water
I hope I don’t land on a fish
Sidenote: The best shot of the entire film is a nice moment involving some Dolphins swimming by the boat. I talked to Chuck and he has no recollection of ever filming this.
The big set piece of the film takes place on a boat and features Steve delivering a show stopping monologue that defeats the squid.
Steve – The big shot of the film was a two page monologue in which I never saw the two pages for. On the day, we went to a dock located on a canal and Lenny told me this was my Oscar moment. He handed me a napkin that had dialogue written on it, and told me to learn it in a half an hour. I didn’t read any of it.
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Debra – Lenny told Hank and I that we were going to be standing on either side of Steve and hit him with fun noodles while he monologues. I guess Steve making a final stand against the squid and was standing tall in the face of attack. Hank was still pretty angry at Steve and it all went downhill from there.
Chuck – Imagine this. A poor guy with obvious problems is standing there reciting an intense monologue while fun noodles are repeatedly hitting him in the nuts and face.
Hank – It wasn’t cool of me but I was still mad about the fight from the previous week. So, Instead of hitting him in the body I hit him about 50 times in the balls.
Steve – When you watch the footage you can actually see me crying. I am not acting, I am actually crying. Also, the last half of that speech I totally made up because my body went into shock.
Chuck – He was crying and driveling on about how the squid never paid him attention and how nobody respected him.
Steve – The whole process brought back some terrible memories.
Debra – When the moment was over everybody was at a loss for words. I was pretty pissed at Hank and poor Steve literally jumped into the canal and swam away.
Chuck – Lenny Loved it. If you listen closely you can hear him laughing constantly and yelling “good, good, people love this stuff!”
Sidenote: I could’ve sworn I heard him yelling this during the scene.
With the film finished Debra brought the final product to theater manager Mason Jar. Mason was the manager of the Conch Shell Cinema and was working on how to compete with the larger theater chains.
Mason – We were a tiny theater that only had three screens. We basically only stayed alive because of out midnight shows featuring Rocky Horror, The Room, Birdemic and Dirty Hofmeyer. You can take a look below and you will see the type of movies our clientele loved.
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Mason – When Debra approached me about screening the film I was very excited. I knew her from my semester at the online film school and I trusted her when she told me Squid Lake was pure gold. Anytime I get a chance to screen a terrible movie I jump all over it. I was guaranteed to sell out the theater and keep the doors open for another couple months which was good because I was also living in the theater at the same time.
Steve – Mason was making a huge deal about the screening and I was a little worried about hundreds of people watching me cry and get beat up.
Hank – I really didn’t want to go to the screening because the entire filming process was pretty miserable. However, I wanted to watch Steve get beat up on screen.
Chuck – I couldn’t wait for the screening. I actually set up a booth the day of and tried to sell my World War 2 Samurai Epic beforehand. Please visit http://www.worldninjas.fundme.com
The night of the screening was full of mixed emotions. The 75 minute film featured 40 minutes of ocean footage, a ten minute song and some of the worst cinema known to man. The rowdy crowd was like a rollercoaster of menace and laughter. He was unbeknownst to me at the time, but Chuck was working the crowd into a frenzy. The one scene that brought the house down was when actor Steve Balsawood managed to mutter his way through a five minute monologue while repeatedly being struck in the face and nuts. The scene got the audience laughing, then gasping and back to laughing.
Steve – I couldn’t believe the applause the crowd gave me after the screening. I begged for them to carry me out of the theater and they literally didn’t put me down for two hours.
Chuck – The party afterwards got out of hand. I broke my ankle jumping off of a bar roof and eventually we destroyed several store fronts and cars.
Mason – I went looking for Lenny after the show and he was nowhere to be found. He took the DVD, the DVD player and my print of Animal House and vanished.
Debra – We have no clue where he went and what he is going to do with the movie.
Steve – The filming wrecked me emotionally and physically. However, since the screening I’ve been performing a stage reenactment of the film once a month in front of sold out crowds. People have tried to recreate it on film but nothing comes close to what we filmed years ago.
In conclusion.
I have no clue what happened to Lenny and the Squid Lake footage. However, the experience of watching the film with a packed theater is one of the highlights of my young life. I’m hoping this post gets the word out and the movie finally sees the light of day. If you are out there Lenny please let the world watch Squid Lake!
Check out the Sharkdropper podcast featuring an interview with the cast and crew!
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MFF Sea Beast Week: Analyzing the Shark Punching Scene in ‘Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life’
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I’m sad to say that I totally forgot about the shark punching scene in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life (AKA Tomb Raider 2). How could I have forgotten a scene that features Lara Croft cutting her arm to attract a shark, punching the shark and then riding the defeated shark to the ocean surface? It’s an insane moment that actually happened and was played earnestly without nary a wink of irony. The following breaks down the sequence and gets into every detail that leads to a shark being punched.
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I love that somebody sat down and wrote this scene because I’ve never seen anything like it. They must’ve had a smile on their face as they typed “Lara punches a 15-foot shark in the face,” and I guarantee they were surprised when the insane moment was filmed and made it into the final cut. This is the type of cinema I love because its unapologetic and is in no way self-conscious. It is a dorky moment, played totally straight, and seems like Lara Croft had done this many times before and would probably punch another shark in the near future.
This scene isn’t the first time Lara tangled with sharks looking to eat her. She battled sharks in the video games prior to this movie (starting in Tomb Raider II), but they never went to the bonkers alternate universe that this live-action film did. It’s kinda cool how the movie plays more like a video game than the actual video games. In cinematic Tomb Raider logic, this scene makes perfect sense and its not worth scoffing at or saying this would never happen in the real world (you know who you are). The hyper-unrealism should be applauded, and despite the rest of the movie being subpar I dug how they actually filmed a scene featuring Lara defeating a shark via a face punch.
Here is how it all goes down:
- Lara is escaping a crumbling underwater temple when a bad guy destroys her vehicle. This forces her to swim a very long distance to the surface.
- Lara cuts her arm before she swims away from the sinking temple
- Lara stops swimming and allows a massive shark to circle her (she has no goggles on btw)
- The shark attacks and Lara punches it in the face
- The defeated (and possibly concussed) shark allows Lara to hitch a ride with it to the ocean surface
- The shark drops lara off and we never see it again.
- She is underwater for 66 seconds.
The biggest question I have is if the arm cut and subsequent shark fight were necessary. After watching the clip multiple times I’m pretty sure she could’ve just swam to the surface and not battled the shark. However, if she would’ve done this the world would’ve never seen Angelina Jolie punching a shark in the face. This is one of those moments where you need to embrace the insanity and appreciate how zero logic went into the decision making. Logic would’ve gotten in the way and I love how this moment essentially makes Lara Croft a superhuman who can see underwater and knows exactly where to punch a shark. The recent Tomb Raider was fun but it featured moments that embraced logic and because of that (+ the script and direction) it isn’t getting a sequel and won’t be remembered for Alicia Vikander punching a shark.
I love this moment and was excited when I starting putting together the Sea Beast Week because I knew I could write about it. I hope you enjoy this bonkers moments.
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