On fishing shows, they catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MFF Data: Which Shark Movie Features the Fastest Shark?
July 27, 2018
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Shark Night 3D (2011), a movie about college kids being eaten by sharks, features the fastest shark ever seen on the big screen. This may seem implausible considering the larger-than-life sharks in The Meg, Deep Blue Sea and Jaws 2 got up to speeds of 30-45 MPH for extended periods of time. In the real world, great white sharks can hit speeds of 35 MPH for short bursts. However, in the fictional world of Shark Night 3D, A great white shark hits 66 miles per hour during its pursuit of Blake (Chris Zlyka), a jet ski riding college student who must’ve been surprised as us when he is eaten.
This shark is fast.
The following breaks down the jet ski moment and figures out how fast the shark had to swim to kill the unlucky college student.
Here is what I know:
- The scene takes place towards the end of the movie when Blake (Chris Zlyka) is trying to get his one-armed friend Malik (Sinqua Walls) to a hospital via a jet ski. Malik notices that a shark is gaining on them (they are going 40 MPH easily) and decides to sacrifice himself to the shark, so Blake can get away. The problem is that Blake comes back to save his friend (he doesn’t) and quickly realizes he needs to speed away to escape the bullet-shark. A chase ensues!
- The length of the chase is 102 seconds.
- The guy (Blake) is riding a 2010 Yamaha Waverunner FZS that is capable of a 68-70 MPH top speed.
- It could only have been the great white shark because the hammerhead was dead, the tiger sharks were in a cage, and the bull shark was busy in the mangroves killing another unlucky college student.
Fastest shark in cinema history.
Here are my assumptions:
A very technical look at the final seconds.
- Blake has a 20-foot head start on the shark.
- Blake’s top speed was 50 MPH on the jet ski (73.3 feet per second).
- The total distance he covered was 7,476.6 feet (in 102 seconds)
- The scene is interrupted by a moment involving the dastardly sheriff harassing more college students, but I kept counting the seconds and assumed the scene was happening in real time.
- The shark hits 0-60 MPH in 6 seconds and covers 309 feet in that time.
- The shark kept up a constant speed of 66 MPH (96.8 feet per second) for 76 seconds after hitting 60 MPH
- The shark passes Blake underwater (it only takes 12.5 seconds) and doesn’t attack because this is a movie — and that wouldn’t look cool.
- The shark traveled 7,663 feet (in 82 seconds) from the beginning of the chase until the end.
- The extra 20 seconds were used to turn around and jump out of the water. Why 20 seconds? The shark is huge, and would need the time to turn around and get ready for the perfect jump (Seriously, a perfect jump).
Look in front of you.
Conclusion:
The math based on my assumptions have the great white shark traveling at a maximum of 66 MPH for 76 seconds. This breaks every shark speed record (real and cinematic) ever and proves Shark Night 3D wasn’t messing around when it came to the abilities of its sharks. I don’t think this was the work of two sharks because the other sharks were engaged with other things and I don’t believe they were so smart they could eliminate jet skiers with teamwork. There is no exact way to know how far he traveled on the jet ski, but Its safe to assume that the shark hit at least 60 MPH during the scene which would still break every shark record known to man (and sharks)
If you liked this article make sure to check out my other stuff!
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- Analyzing the Unsuccessful Trap in Predators
- How Far Did the Shark Travel in Jaws: The Revenge?
- How Far Did the Creature From It Follows Travel?
- Zara the Assistant and Jurassic World Had a Bad Day
- A Look at Elektra’s sandbag trainer in Daredevil
- How Far Did Nic Cage Run While Dressed as a Bear In The Wicker Man Remake?
- Breaking Down The Mariner vs. Sea Beast Battle in Waterworld
- How Long Did it Take The Joker to Setup the Weapon Circle in Suicide Squad?
- Michael Myers Hates Blinkers
- Jason Voorhees Can’t Teleport?
- How Far Did the Merman Travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How Far Did Matthew McConaughey Jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface Run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How Far Did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How Did the Geologist Get Lost in Prometheus?
- People Love a Bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- How Do You Make the Perfect Kevin Smith Movie?
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How Fast Can the Fisherman Clean a Trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s Expensive to Feature Characters Being Eaten Alive and Surviving Without a Scratch
- How Long Does it Take Your Favorite Horror Movie Characters to Travel From NYC to San Francisco?
- What was the Guy’s Blood Pressure in Dawn of the Dead?
- Why Were There So Many Lemons in National Treasure?
- How Far Does The Rock Jump in the Skyscraper Poster?
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The Shallows is a perfect “shark” movie because it doesn’t take itself seriously and provides solid escapist fun. There is something comforting about a movie that simply wants to entertain and has no plans for future sequels or spin-offs. It is unpretentious and ridiculous, but is actually good and you can tell skilled filmmakers thought a lot about the simple story.
The Shallows revolves around a surfing trip gone awry in a tropical paradise. The lead character Nancy (Blake Lively) is reeling from the loss of her mother, so she takes a break from medical school and travels to a mythical surfing ground that her mother loved to surf. The beautiful and isolated area is nearly perfect until Nancy finds herself attacked by a shark. Normally, the shark wouldn’t be in the shallows but it killed a whale and is using it as an all-you-can-eat buffet as it slowly floats ashore. Luckily, it is low tide and Nancy is able to climb atop some rocks about 200 yards from shore. From there, she and a seagull deal with repeated attacks, blood-loss, high tide and stinging jellyfish.
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The Shallows is fully-aware that it is about a beautiful woman in a bikini battling a CGI shark. It is pure pulp shenanigans that happily shows enough skin and shark attacks to appease everyone. The 87-minute runtime is lean on backstory and moves confidently from one set piece to another. I loved how Nancy wasn’t some naive American in a foreign land, and I appreciated that she was able to speak just enough Spanish to make it seem like she actually cared about fitting in. A lot of credit goes to Blake Lively because she is in pretty much every frame of The Shallows and is able to pull off the physicality and act through the overly melodramatic subplot.
What makes The Shallows better than the majority of other shark movies is the villainous shark. It’s a mean motherf**ker that defies all shark-logic and simply wants to destroy and eat anything that is in its territory. I love that it plays a game of cat-and-mouse with Nancy and has no plans on hunting easier prey. The shark has tunnel vision for Nancy and its not leaving until she becomes breakfast, lunch or dinner. I respect its tenacity and I love how it becomes a straight up horror villain that only wants to search and destroy. I’d rank this shark alongside the killers in Jaws and Deep Blue Sea because it looks great and is believably intimidating.
If you are in the mood for a fun thriller that doesn’t take itself too seriously I totally recommend The Shallows. It knows what it is and doesn’t care that it features a shark that constantly changes in size. Director Jaume Collet-Serra (Non-Stop) should be proud of his work and I’m stoked to see what he does next.
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You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The MFF podcast is back and we’re talking about Luc Besson’s (The Professional, The Fifth Element, Lucy) passion project Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. We love this movie and decided to release it during our Sea Beast Week because it features some legit sea creatures who play a significant part in the movie. This $177 million epic was years in the making, and focuses on the adventures of Major Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and Sergeant Laureline (Cara Delevingne) as they attempt to save Alpha (city with a thousand planets) from the dastardly Clive Owen. Luc Besson put every cent of the $177 million budget on the screen and blessed us with hundreds of monsters, creative set pieces and Cara Delevingne sticking her head into a jellyfishes butt (thank you sea beasts). Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is an unpretentious breath of fresh air and I think it is one of the most inventive big budget movies ever made.
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As always, we answer random questions and ponder if a giant creature with impenetrable skin could survive a 7,000 foot fall. If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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MFF Sea Beast Week: Celebrating ‘Deep Blue Sea’
July 25, 2018
Deep Blue Sea was released 18 years ago and the world is a better place because of it. If you’ve been reading MFF for some time you know that I am a massive fan who trumpets its greatness whenever I can. The following post breaks down its greatness and proves it is the most important film ever (Warning: lots of hyperbole used in this post).
1. Sam Jackson + Big Speech = Bad News
The guy got so caught up in making a speech he forgot he was standing next to open water. What happened next was awesome.
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2. Roger Ebert Loved it
Ebert knew what was up and I love what he wrote about it:
The movie is essentially one well-done action sequence after another. It involves all the usual situations in movies where fierce creatures chase victims through the bowels of a ship/spacecraft/building (the “Alien” movies, “Deep Rising,” etc). It’s just that it does them well. It doesn’t linger on the special effects (some of the sharks look like cartoons), but it knows how to use timing, suspense, quick movement and surprise. Especially surprise. There is a moment in this movie when something happens that is completely unexpected, and it’s over in a flash–a done deal–and the audience laughs in delight because it was so successfully surprised. In a genre where a lot of movies are retreads of the predictable, “Deep Blue Sea” keeps you guessing.
3. It is still being talked about today.
Brian Raftery of Wired wrote a beautiful article about it recently. Here is what he said.
But as deeply satisfying as *The Shallows *might be, it’s still not the greatest non-Jaws shark movie of all time. That title belongs to Deep Blue Sea, director Renny Harlin’s 1999 sci-fi/action/horror combo about an underwater research lab whose residents become hunted by a trio of genetically modified super-sharks. It’s part haunted-house tale, part undersea-slasher flick, and part big-ensemble disaster movie, full of high-velocity attacks and ceaseless, remorseless sharks. It doesn’t have the pop gravitas of Jaws, but it does have some archetypal, yet nicely rounded-out, human characters; moments of knowing comedy; and some genuinely inventive action sequences, including one of the greatest surprise deaths in modern-movie history.
4. Stellan Skarsgard’s death scene is gnarly and intricate
The guy endured a lot. Read this post and you will learn all about the journey.
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5. Sharks swim backward
What? No! Awesome! I love Deep Blue Sea.
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6. LL Cool J stabs a shark in the eye with a cross
I love how everything comes full circle (Preacher stabbing a shark in the eye with a cross).
7. It features the greatest song ever.
This is not hyperbole. LL Cool J crushed Deepest Bluest.
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8. The Sharks kill people in very creative ways
This is not a good way to go.
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9. They made the shark one foot longer than Jaws
Renny Harlin is a gangster and I love what Mental Floss taught me about Deep Blue Sea.
“The problem with approaching a shark movie,” Kennedy told the Los Angeles Times, “is how do you do it without repeating Jaws?” Kennedy said that in order to “do Spielberg one better,” Harlin made Deep Blue Sea’s makos 26 feet long. In real life, shortfin mako sharks reach 10 feet on average (although specimens as large as 12 feet have been caught), and longfin makos reach as long as 13.7 feet.
10. Renny Harlin is an action Maestro
Between The Long Kiss Goodnight, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger and Deep Blue Sea the guy is the best. I love his crazy action films.
This scene is going to be amazing.
11. Thomas Jane rode sharks
Probably the greatest shark wrangler in film history. Dude even rides the super boss shark
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12. It features the greatest kitchen fight ever
If you eat LL’s bird you are in for some trouble. Check out the greatest kitchen fight post I wrote!
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13. Stephen King loves it.
“My first trip after being smacked by a van and almost killed was to the movies (Deep Blue Sea, as a matter of fact; I went in my wheelchair and loved every minute of it).”
-Stephen King
14. Deep Blue Sea inspired pretty much every film since its release
Movies like Crash, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Jurassic World, Anchorman and Children of Men wouldn’t exist without it.
15.The animatronic sharks are actually pretty great
Forget about the CGI. The actual animatronic sharks were awesome.
The sharks look awesome!
16. The “bad guy” has a solid backstory
Dr. Susan McAlester wants to cure Alzheimer’s and doesn’t care if she kills her coworkers. She is also very industrious when in a terrible situation.
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17. News of the sequel received international attention
Everybody went crazy about the SYFY sequel even though it will be terrible. Just let Steven Spielberg direct the sequel and be done with it.
18. It is the Citizen Kane of B-Movies
I love Deep Blue Sea.
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I feel really bad for this lady because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I’ve been over-analyzing movies for several years and I don’t think a movie has ever foiled me like Jaws: The Revenge has. In my effort to track the shark’s movements and distance traveled, I found myself grasping for straws and pondering whether the shark could smell Ellen Brody’s tears when they hit the water as she is leaving Amity for the Bahamas (it didn’t….I think). I know the original script (and novelization) featured a subplot involving a witch doctor cursing the family and that is why they are pursued by the shark. However, since it was left out of the movie, I’m assuming the aquatic monster is a vengeful and psychically-linked relative of the other two sharks (Jaws 3 isn’t canon anymore) who is basically a sea dwelling combination of the hunters in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Anton Chigurh (No Country for Old Men). Over the 18 days that this movie takes place, the 25-foot shark manages to set a successful buoy trap in Amity, swim over 1,500 miles, and hunts almost every member of the Brody clan via a mystical GPS system
The shark sets up a successful and trap and leaves me wondering how many traps failed.
The following breaks down every facet of this soul-crushing movie and I hope it helps you understand it a little more.
Here is the timeline and estimated shark mileage for Jaws: The Revenge.
- December 19th – The shark sets a buoy trap and kills Sean Brody. How many traps has it set? How long has it waited? This is when the psychic link between Ellen and the shark begins
- 12/20 – This will be controversial in many ‘Jaws’ circles but I believe the shark starts its journey towards the Bahamas after it kills Sean. It knows Ellen won’t go in the water so it decides to wipe out her other son Mike
- 12/21 – Swimming
- 12/22 – Swimming
- 12/23 – The Brody’s head to the Bahamas. The shark starts its swim.
- 12/24 – Christmas Eve – Shark is still swimming.
- 12/25 – Christmas – Shark is almost there.
- 12/26 – Ellen senses that the shark is near when she steps in the water (I’m not making this up). The shark swims past Mario Van Peebles (I’m not naming his character because Mario wrote his own dialogue and did what he wanted which is cool) and tries to kill Mike Brody – So far, the shark has only attacked the Brodys.
- 12/27 – ?
- 12/28 – ?
- 12/29 – ?
- 12/30 – ?
- 12/31 – ?
- 01/01 – ?
- 01/02 – Mike and Mario chum the water and tag the shark with a tracker. The shark is not pleased and probably feels like an idiot for being tricked because prior to this it seemed pretty smart.
- 01/03- Mike and Mario track the shark but they lose it.
- 01/04 – The shark attacks Mike, but fails again. This is when it decides to attack other family members because Mike has proven himself to be elusive.
- 01/05 – The shark kills an unlucky lady while attacking Mike’s daughter. Ellen Brody takes off in a sailboat(?) and the shark starts following because they are psychically linked. This leads to the shark spearing itself on a boat.
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Tin Foil Hat Theories:
- The first time we see the shark in Jaws 2 it is snooping around the sunken Orca. I’m thinking this is a relative putting together clues as to what happened to its relative.
- Jaws 3 isn’t canon anymore but we know it is hunting the Brody kids and this is when it starts its supernatural shenanigans. (thank you Cracked).
Here is what I know:
- The shark set a trap for Sean Brody. It found a log and wedged into a buoy and hoped Sean came to sort it out. I say this because when the log is shown later it looks like there are teeth imprints in it.
- The shark swims 1,193 miles in six days to get to the Bahamas. It averages 198 miles a day (8.28 miles an hour without stopping).
- The shark and Ellen have a weird psychic connection which creates visions for both her and the shark. The interesting thing is she is able to see events that she wasn’t around for. This must mean that shark had a psychic connection with its relatives, and when it kills Sean, the shark bonds with Ellen and the visions are shared. This is weird.
- It attacks on December 26th, then disappears for seven days. Vacation?
- It didn’t mean to kill the banana boat lady and only went after Mario because he was messing with it. The shark didn’t even bother attacking Michael Caine when the plane crashed.
- It does not like electrical impulses.
- 7. The shark roars….Why not? If it can follow a family via a psychic link then it could easily roar.
I feel terrible for this lady.
How far did it swim?
It’s impossible to calculate the exact number of miles traveled but with some assumptions and guesswork I’m thinking I can get pretty close to the actual distance. After doing some research I learned that Great Whites have to continually swim and since this shark is a supernatural creature it can defy logic and swim way too fast and cover way too much distance in no time.
- The shark swam 1,193 miles to the Bahamas so we know it has no problem putting in some serious miles.
- During the six question mark days I’m guessing it trolled around at 5 MPH and covered 120 miles a day (720 miles total)
- It hunted the Brody boys for five days and during that time it made some quick moves and covered some serious ground. I’m thinking it swam an average of 8 MPH during these days. (960 miles).
- On the final day when the shark killed the banana boater and dashed after Ellen it had to be moving at a crazy speed. So, it’s believable to assume that is swam an average of 10 MPH from 12:00AM till it was killed at 6:00PM. (180 miles).
Total Distance – 3,053 miles
It took me a long time to put this together and I’m really happy with the mileage and timeline. This was by far the hardest “dumb data” article I’ve ever written but I feel like it helps make sense of a movie that makes zero sense.
If you liked this random post make sure to check out my other stuff! Also, a big thanks to Brian Raftery at Wired for interviewing me about this dumb data.
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- Analyzing the Unsuccessful Trap in Predators
- How Far Did the Creature From It Follows Travel?
- Zara the Assistant and Jurassic World Had a Bad Day
- A Look at Elektra’s sandbag trainer in Daredevil
- How Far Did Nic Cage Run While Dressed as a Bear In The Wicker Man Remake?
- Breaking Down The Mariner vs. Sea Beast Battle in Waterworld
- How Long Did it Take The Joker to Setup the Weapon Circle in Suicide Squad?
- Michael Myers Hates Blinkers
- Jason Voorhees Can’t Teleport?
- How Far Did the Merman Travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How Far Did Matthew McConaughey Jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface Run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How Far Did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How Did the Geologist Get Lost in Prometheus?
- People Love a Bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- How Do You Make the Perfect Kevin Smith Movie?
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How Fast Can the Fisherman Clean a Trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s Expensive to Feature Characters Being Eaten Alive and Surviving Without a Scratch
- How Long Does it Take Your Favorite Horror Movie Characters to Travel From NYC to San Francisco?
- What was the Guy’s Blood Pressure in Dawn of the Dead?
- Why Were There So Many Lemons in National Treasure?
- How Far Does The Rock Jump in the Skyscraper Poster?
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Welcome the MFF’s Sea Beast Week! This article was originally published earlier this year but we brought it back because it’s pretty great.
Kevin Costner killing the Sea Eater in Waterworld has long been a scene that I’ve been obsessed with. I wrote about the Sea Eater in 2015 and Waterworld has been featured in my jet ski action scenes are the worst, and people getting swallowed whole and surviving posts (it’s random I know). I’ve always loved the idea that someone can jump into the water and be attacked/swallowed whole in a span of 20 seconds. The biggest problem I’ve always had is there is no way he would be able to stay attached the rope he was trolling on. Thus, his boat would sail away whilst he was trying to free himself from the innards of a giant monster. This means he would have to use his super swimming abilities to catch up with the boat, turn it around, and then cut the meat off of the sinking monster.
Here is a breakdown of the scene.
Costner (AKA Mariner…AKA Grumpy Costner) gets annoyed that the women on his boat are actively trying to feed themselves via fishing, so he grabs their fishing poles and throws them into the water. After throwing away his gear, he grabs some supplies (speargun, rope), turns on the boat’s trawling engine and jumps into the water (:46). Once the rope is fully extended he starts stroking the water gracefully in an effort to lure prey. Something underwater sees this display of graceful swimming (1:09) and thinks it has found dinner. The large beast surfaces and swallows Costner whole (1:20) and Costner ends up murdering the beast from the inside. Then, Costner cuts off roughly 100 (being generous) pounds of meat and three people feast.
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This scene left me with several questions:
- Why was it so easy to kill a monstrous sea beast?
- Had he killed large creatures before?
- Why did he throw away his fishing poles?
- If large sea beasts are plentiful, why would people ride jet skis?
- What happened after the death and before they ate?
After scouring the internet for data on the Sea Eater, I learned that people don’t know much about it (I got zero responses from people who read the novelization). I have nothing to go with in regards to the monster and Costner’s past hunting, so I decided those questions will be left unanswered. What I can fill in is what happens after the monster eats Costner and before they gorged on delicious looking meat.
Here is what we know so far:
- It took eight seconds for the 40-foot rope to become taught after Costner jumped into the water. This leads me to believe the boat was moving at a leisurely pace of 3.41 miles (2.96 knots) an hour.
- He turned on his trawling motor before he jumped into the water. However, he didn’t use the cable attached to the winch on the back of his boat.
- According to kaiju.wikidot.com the Sea Eater is 40-feet long and weighs an estimated 20 tons.
- During the sea atoll attack earlier in the film, Costner covered 120-feet in eight seconds. That comes to 10.2 MPH which means the dude can fly in the water. I came to 10.2 MPH by finding a picture of the atoll, measuring the boat (60 feet long), and then measuring the distance from where he jumped.
- Costner let go of the rope after the monster attacked. I know this because the boat would’ve stopped momentarily and the rope would’ve split in two if he held on. There is zero chance a tiny rope could withstand the force of a moving boat and a suddenly dead 20-ton monster (watch this clip of a marlin sinking a boat for proof of what would happen if the beast lived).
- Since there is no sign of salt or proper drying methods, I’m assuming Costner only took as much as he could carry for one or two meals maximum. This means that at least 39,900 pounds of sea eater meat was left behind for other hungry sea denizens.
- It was dusk when they started eating the food. This makes sense because he had to heat up the charcoals and prep the food.
- The scene reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg joke
Mitch Hedberg@M_Hedberg
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Here is what happened after the monster was murdered:
- After watching various clips where people have to free themselves from dead/animatronic animals I’m guessing Costner (and his super powers) needed two minutes to free himself from the innards of the monster. It was clearly sinking, blood must’ve been everywhere and stomach lining is a beast to crawl through (not speaking from experience). He also had to secure his gun because he could not super swim with it.
- By adding the original Costner/boat distance and time it took to free himself, secure his gun, and start swimming I’m thinking the boat was 715 feet ahead of him (40 + 600 + 50 +25 = 715).
- The women on the boat must’ve been justifiably shocked as to what had transpired. So, in their shock, the boat floated far enough away for them to not hear anything Costner might’ve shouted. We know Helen could steer the boat, but after the shock wore off, the process of turning the boat around would’ve been a beast of a job. I’m also guessing that Costner was still grumpy about losing his spear gun from earlier so he swam to the boat and did everything himself.
- Knowing the creature was sinking, Costner started towards the boat, and since he could move at three times its speed he only needed 75 seconds of super swimming to catch up.
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- He turned the boat around and made his way back to the sea monster. He would’ve needed AT LEAST seven minutes to turn the boat around, travel back to the monster and anchor the boat. I’m guessing he was able to speed up the 1,840-foot return journey which would cut down the trip.
- He dove down to catch the sinking beast. I don’t know anything about the floating tendencies of dead 20 ton monsters with holes in them, but it seems likely that it would sink because there is no way gasses could build up because of the massive holes in it (Thanks research!).
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- He prepped the diving bell (watch underwater Denver scene) and gathered supplies (five minutes) and dove to the bottom of the ocean to cut off some prime meat and potentially fist fight another creature (eight minutes). After watching various clips of chumming it’s evident that the majority of the stuff that exploded would’ve sunk by the time he returned.
- He swam back up and put all of his gear back in place because he is particular like that (eight minutes).
- The cooking started (30 minutes to heat grill, at least 30 minutes to heat massive meat steaks).
- They ate!
Conclusion
After breaking down all the variables (known and unknown) the entire process before cooking everything would’ve taken AT LEAST 32.25 minutes because Costner had a lot to do before he could even start preparing the food. This may sound like a lot of time, but it’s not too bad when you consider the killing, swimming, boating, prepping gear, swimming, cutting, more swimming and putting away gear.
There you have it! The full breakdown of what happened after the killing and before the cooking. You can rest easy knowing that you will never have to spend another sleepless night thinking about what happened!
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Welcome to MFF’s Sea Beast Week! This review was originally released in 2017 but we had to bring it back for this special week.
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Movies, Films and Flix have a long history with Dolph Lundgren movies. I started the site in 2010 and wrote a lot about terrible/great Dolph Lundgren films. In hindsight, the posts weren’t any better than the movies. but I enjoyed writing pithy reviews about real and fake Lundgren movies.
Shark Lake tells the age-old tale of a shark harassing the people who live around Lake Tahoe (filmed in Mississippi). The movie starts with a car chase involving the police forcing exotic animal dealer Clint Gray (Dolph Lundgren) to drive straight into a lake. The bull shark in his van (100% true) escapes, and five years later people start dying. From there, we are introduced to some terrible actors who spout hackneyed dialogue while scantily clad women are killed by a shark. Shark Lake could’ve been a contender but instead falls back into pure stupidity and feels like a beautiful idea (Dolph wrestling sharks) was wasted and replaced by everything that makes a movie bad. Also, I’m pretty sure they stole my idea for the fake film Squid Lake (Listen to the pod, it gets weird).
Shark Lake is a really weird movie. It wants to be Sharknado, but it also tells the tale of a redeemed animal collector. It isn’t dumb enough to be fun, and it is too dumb to be a cohesive movie. The shark(s) are superfluous and the performances are hindered by a script that hurts the soul. Lundgren’s character isn’t done any favors because he is set up as a terribly negligent father who deserved jail time and shouldn’t have a chance of being in his daughter’s life. Also, there is a really odd relationship between a cop and a smart scientist guy that leads to some very disconcerting dialogue involving handcuffs.
Shark Lake is the kind of film that doesn’t go far enough to make anything enjoyable. There is a tiny amount of blood and the director never pushes the bikini-clad portion far enough. Shark Lake is a PG-13 rated “dumb dumb” fest that only features one person getting their leg bit off whilst gliding over the lake.
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Don’t watch Shark Lake. It is not fun, and the idea of Dolph Lundgren wrestling a shark is far better than the movie. The budget was reportedly $2 million and I have no clue where that money went. The movie looks like it was shot in two days and nobody learned their dialogue ahead of time. If you are looking for a fun yet terrible shark movie I recommend the classic Sharks in Venice.
Sharks in Venice is amazing. You need to watch Stephen Baldwin phone it in.
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We released this podcast in March but we brought it back for our Sea Beast Week. You will love it.
The Star Wars world is home to many sea beasts.
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Do you feel like cinematic sea beasts need more love? Have you ever stayed up all night searching the internet for a two-part podcast special that dedicates about four hours to sea beasts? Do you like tournaments that involve sea monsters who have been featured in movies? If you answered “yes” to these questions you will love the insanely thorough podcast we recorded about our favorite sea beasts. We put together a list of 16 creatures and recorded a two-part podcast that covered about 92 monsters and settled the “greatest sea beast” discussion. We did a ton of research and guarantee these two episodes will teach you everything you’d want to know about cinematic aquatic beasts. Here are the some of the monsters we talk about.
- The Merman – The Cabin in the Woods
- The Psychic Shark – Jaws 4: The Revenge
- The Sea Eater – Waterworld
- The Smart Sharks – Deep Blue Sea
- Octalus – Deep Rising
- Sando Aqua Monster – The Phantom Menace
- The Mythic Octopus – The Goonies
- The Long-Tongued Gooberfish – The Phantom Menace
- The Creature – The Creature From the Black Lagoon
- The Giant Octopus – 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea
- Kraken – Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest
- Kraken – Clash of the Titans
- Gwoemul – The Host
- Giant Crocodile – Lake Placid
- Godzilla – Godzilla
- Mosasaurus – Jurassic World
- Piranhas – Piranha 3D
- And many more!
The Mosasaurus is the best part of Jurassic World.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the podcasts. You can listen to the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Let us know who you think is the best cinematic sea beast in the comments.
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MFF Sea Beast Week: How Long Did it Take Luke Skywalker to Be Comfortable Enough to Milk the Sea Sow in ‘The Last Jedi’
July 22, 2018
Dude went out of his way to be gross.
Do you ever wonder how long it took Luke to feel comfortable enough to milk the Thala-siren (sea sow) in The Last Jedi? He spent years on Ahch-To and I don’t think he immediately thought about climbing down a steep incline and approaching a large sea beast in order to milk it. I’m thinking he arrived at the island in a state of despair, and the island Caretakers watched over him for a couple weeks before they got tired of his moping and told him to start feeding himself. This lead to his daily milking, fishing and moping routine that we saw in The Last Jedi.
Here is the most likely incorrect timeline:
The Caretakers Initially Gave Him Milk and Food (Two Weeks)
Luke probably arrived at the island in a state of despair and was in no condition to feed himself. So, the kindly caretakers went out of their way to feed the guy who might-or-might be the last Jedi. However, his moping got old (like his A New Hope whining) and the normally patient caretakers gave him a tour of the island and showed him the best fishing spots and told him not to swim in the water because of the massive sea monsters. During this time, they had Luke watch them milk the sea sow (his reactions was similar to Rey’s). I’m guessing that since the creature had probably never seen a human before there was some trepidation — which meant Luke had to stay 20-feet from the milking, so he didn’t make the creature nervous.
Luke Would Visit the Sea Sow To Familiarize Himself With the Creature (One Week)
I’d imagine it would be difficult to walk up to a massive sea sow and immediately start pumping its milk. That is why Luke fished around the area where it sunned itself and became a familiar presence to the groups of Thala-sirens. I’m not sure how smart they are, but The Last Jedi proves they are quite relaxed, and I’d imagine after a week of constantly having Luke in their presence they knew he wasn’t a threat. Luke probably could’ve made the move earlier, but he needed extra time to wrap his head around milking an aquatic sea beast.
The Sea Sow seems super chill
The First Milking Session Was Very Awkard and Lasted Longer Than Expected (3 Days)
Eventually, Luke worked up his courage and decided he would milk the Sea Sow. However, when he went down to the cliffs the creature wasn’t there, so he had to make the long hike back to his hut without milk. The next day, Luke went down to the water and slowly approached the Sea Sow so he could work up the courage to milk it. It’s kind of absurd how a guy who blew up a Deathstar would be worried about milking a sea creature, but you try doing the same thing to a massive animal and not being a little weirded out by it. Like most things in this world, the situation was more awkward than it needed to be, because Luke had to get a feel for the milking. The job was done in about 10 minutes, and it got easier as Luke kept the routine going throughout the years.
Total Time: 23 Days: This may sound excessive, but I feel like he needed the extra time to build up the courage and do things for himself.
How long do you think it would’ve taken? Let us know in the comments.
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Welcome to MFF’s Sea Beast Week! This article was originally published in 2017 but we brought it back because it’s great.
I love Deep Blue Sea. It is a brilliantly dumb film that never gets old and always gets better. I was working in a movie theater when it was released in 1999 and I loved sitting in the theater listening to the audience go crazy. In all my years working at a theater, no film came close to getting the reaction that Deep Blue Sea did. I’ve been writing, podcasting and talking about it for years and I haven’t been able to shake one scene in particular. Stellan Skarsgard’s (AKA Jim) incredibly long death scene is insane because it is a pure nightmare creation that is equal parts terrifying, inventive and funny.
This is getting ridiculous.
This is how it goes down. A genetically modified super shark bites Stellan Skarsgard’s arm off while the shark is being tested on. Stellan is taken up a freight elevator to a rescue helicopter. During the rescue, Stellan is strapped to a gurney and given an oxygen mask. As he is being lifted to the helicopter, a shark grabs hold of the gurney and Stellan goes on a long journey underwater that ends with him being used as a battering ram. It is a gnarly death that has somehow been overshadowed by the glorious demise of Sam Jackson.
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The following post breaks down the amount of traveling poor Stellan had to endure.
Sidenote: I’ve tried my best to recreate a fictitious moment in an insane film about genetically engineered sharks herding humans to their death. The numbers are researched but I just didn’t have enough data to be 100% correct. There is some guess-work at play, but I believe they paint a believable picture of what happened to Stellan Skarsgard.
Let’s start off with the journey to the freight elevator. I’m guessing the trip was about 40 feet after he got his arm ripped off.
I don’t see an elevator anywhere close…
Once they got on the elevator the trip took 30 seconds. According to Stanley Elevators, a stock freight elevator moves at an average speed of 200 feet per minute. The elevator covered 100 feet in its 30-second journey. Next, Stellan had to be lifted onto a helicopter. The problem is he didn’t make it very far, therefore I’m guessing he covered approximately 50 feet. This is where things get interesting because the poor guy is pulled underwater with an oxygen tank strapped to his mouth.
I’m not a genetically engineered shark with a lust for blood and thus, I cannot track the exact movements underwater. I’d assume the shark was all business and put its energy into building towards battering ram speed. By using my shark brain (via a hat that looks like a shark fin) I’m guessing the shark circled the interior of the Aquatica figuring how to best hit the massive glass wall.
I really hope these humans don’t see me until it’s too late.
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During a nice moment of expositional dialogue (thank you random scientist!) we learned there are a half mile of catwalks on the surface of the structure. After examining the structure I broke down the numbers and figured out the outside fenced dimensions to be 590′ x 295′ (give or take 15 feet or so). You’d think the perimeter would be a half-mile around but there several catwalks that travel through the perimeter, wrap around the structure in the middle and go outside the perimeter. The math looks like this.
Perimeter (1770′) + 2 catwalks (295′) + several additional catwalks (575′) = 2,640 feet.
Imagine the shark swimming three loops around the perimeter to gather speed.
The shark swam through the middle then circled the Aquatica and its prey until it got comfortable enough to send Skarsgard into oblivion. The total estimated distance is 1.09 miles and total time spent traveling untethered from the helicopter is 110 seconds. The shark swam at an average of 35.6 MPH which lead me to believe the shark started slow then built up to a much faster speed to accrue the 35.6 MPH average. The fastest shark on the planet can swim top speeds of 40 – 55 MPH, therefore I’m guessing the shark swam slower laps until it got everything just right and exploded to 60 MPH (this shark is really really ridiculously fast).
A big thanks to M.A. Designs for bringing the circling to life.
I love that this scene happened. It is wildly inventive and devious in its quest to kill somebody. My calculations may be slightly off but I believe the total estimated distance covered by Skargard is 5,959 feet or 1.12 miles. That is impressive!
In case you are still skeptical, I’ve come up with two other underwater options that are much less cool and make the shark look silly.
- The shark accidentally drops the gurney and Stellan falls to the bottom of the Aquatica. The shark swims down to the bottom and picks up the gurney (which takes a while because it is cumbersome). Then, the sharks swims to the far side of the fencing (hoping the other sharks didn’t see), and turns around towards the large glass window.
- The shark thinks it is going towards the large glass but realizes it is going the wrong way and has to course correct. Then it swims around like it knew what it was doing (so it doesn’t look dumb) and ends up covering over a mile in an effort to not look silly.
I’m hoping this data answers some questions you never knew you had but always felt like you should know. I realize this post won’t change the world but hopefully it put a smile on your face and solidified your love of Deep Blue Sea!
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