The MFF Podcast #64: The 2016 Mid-Year Random Awards
You can download the pod on Itunes or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOGTALKRADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Does it bum you out that nobody will ever be recognized for their great cinematic teeth piercings or plum buying? If you answered “yes,” you will love the MFF random awards. Every year I sort through underappreciated moments and put together some very random awards. I’ve eschewed the stock awards and instead chosen to honor the wasted scotch, baby goo and Lex Luthor’s bourbon collection.
.
The random awards are a great way to celebrate the mid-year because they cover every facet of the cinematic world. No stone is left unturned and sometimes we even give out awards for the best stone throwing!
Sit back, relax and listen to discussions about the beautiful sweaters and henleys of Captain America: Civil War. Check out the MFF pod on Blog Talk Radio or head over to Itunes and listen to the randomness!
If you get a chance please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
Share this post:
MY CALL: More like an ill-written soap opera with a few fights than anything resembling an action movie, this flick squandered Cynthia Rothrock’s talents to an appalling degree. MORE MOVIES LIKE Outside the Law: Probably any Cynthia Rothrock movie from the 80s or maaaaybe early 90s would be better than this. However, I strongly recommend NOT watching Night Vision (1997). If you’re in the mood for a proper Bad Movie Tuesday I’d have to recommend you go with Dolph Lundgren, a case of beer and your best bros. Perhaps The Elementary Stylings of Kindergarten Cop 2 or Dolph Lundgren and the Curse of the Shark Lake.
I recently decided I wanted to watch a bunch of Cynthia Rothrock (China O’Brien, Undefeatable) movies. Well guess what? That’s surprisingly not easy to do. As it turns out just about none of her movies are affordable on Amazon to buy except for her late 90s direct-to-video stuff and similarly her older stuff is nowhere to be found on Amazon Video or Netflix. You can watch Night Vision (1997) for free with Amazon Prime, but I wouldn’t recommend it! There’s a reason it’s available and her better movies aren’t.
Still in great shape at 45 years old, queen of martial arts Rothrock plays secret agent Julie Cosgrove and the dialogue couldn’t be more rigid. It’s incredibly obvious that this is her last mission because she just won’t shut up about it–blabbing on and on about how she wants to get married and have a regular life with her secret agent partner and his immaculate hair. The conversation is so smiley and casual you’d think they were on a brunch date and not a covert mission in Colombia. But no, it’s go time. And her partner strolls across the sunny South American street in his upper-middle class outfit swinging an assault rifle at his side like he was a British dignitary with a cane. Not since In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (2011) or Night Vision (1997) can I recall even a Bad Movie Tuesday so poorly written.
After watching the first few minutes I had to check and confirm the release date was, in fact, from this century! This felt like something from 1991 like an episode of Silk Stalkings or some made-for-TV drivel of decades past. But no, it’s from 2002.
Spoiler alert: her partner with the great hair bites it when some sort of double cross transpires…it’s incredibly unclear. When she calls in to whatever nonsense agency she works for, they’re shocked (even upset) that she’s still alive.
The action in this is upsettingly bad in the early fights of the movie. They cast the queen of martial arts, but the remaining cast of goons are so inept in terms of combat choreography that when they fight she is limited to throwing one single simple kick per shot. So if she hits a guy four times in 16 seconds, expect to see four 4-second cuts ineptly edited together. We have an ace martial artist capable of so much, yet she looks no better at fighting than an extra from Starsky and Hutch. These fighting scenes are to Rothrock what a limp dorsal fin is to Shamu; just plain sad. Kind of like how Dolph Lundgren did zero punching in Shark Lake (2015), which also featured dorsal fins and a completely wasted bad ass action movie star.
Thankfully, later she faces some bad guys who can throw a spin kick of their own. They try to keep things edgy with some chain-fighting, although it’s nothing to Lucy Liu vs Ray Park in Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever (2002). It remains pretty bad, but a more “acceptable” level of bad loaded with kicks to the face…LOADS of face kicks for everyone! The fights do seem to improve as the movie progresses. However, the fights never reach the “90s Van Damme” level of quality.
The lines…wow, sooooo witty. “You read Chinese?//Enough to order take out.” Loads of bad layer-caked over more bad with bad icing. The exposition burns my ears as the dialogue explains everything that happens as if you weren’t just watching it happen yourself. And evidently this is serious–you can tell by the “international factor” typical of 80s-90s action flicks. We go from a double-cross in Colombia to Chinese goods being smuggled into south Florida by the Colombian mob to make some sort of super designer drug. Of course she just stumbled across this while trying to lay low in a random spot in Florida. The story is a bit too ambitious and reaches too far too often with no real rationale or payoff.
Director Jorge Montesi (Omen IV and loads of action TV shows) has made a lot of direct-to-TV movies and, as such, has a solid respect for simplicity. Take this film. After fleeing Colombia, agent Cosgrave buys a car, a week’s worth of groceries and a dog all at the same place. Oh, and reconnects with some Colombian cartel shenanigans just down there street from there. Quite plausible.
There are many familiar faces in this flick. Dan Lauria (The Wonder Years) plays a crooked detective, Stephen Macht (The Monster Squad, Graveyard Shift) and Brad Greenquist (Pet Sematary) are crooked agents, Jeff Wincott (The Invasion, Prom Night) is a criminal, Don Harvey (Die Hard, Taken 3) is a henchman, and James Lew (Traffic, Rush Hour 2) is “the Asian bad guy.”
Bad movies put a lot of stock in “the Asian bad guy.” Just look at Kickboxer, Bloodsport and The Best of the Best—all Asian bad guys! The first bad guy who can fight in this movie is an Asian henchman–and being Asian, naturally, he had to be a martial artist. So when James Lew shows up and out kung fu-s the other Asian, we know he’s not the Asian we want to cross. Rothrock’s fight with Lew is the only remotely redeeming scene in the entire movie featuring a few decent acrobatic stunts. The only problem is that the director had no idea how to shoot scenes with people who actually knew how to fight. Way too close-up and way too many cuts. Shame. A total waste of talent.
Watch this for a good laugh with a buzz but do not, I repeat DO NOT watch this expecting to see a fun Cynthia Rothrock martial arts movie. For of all the horrible things this movie is, “that” it is not.
Share this post:
MFF Special: The Summer Horror Wardrobe Guide
Are you planning on visiting a horror movie that takes place during the summer anytime soon? Well, if you are this is your lucky day. Last winter, I wrote about horror wardrobes that could get you by in the cold months. This year, I want to help you in the summer months. I scoured the internet for clothes that won’t make you flop sweat during times of great duress. These outfits are suitable for every geographical location and will get you by in any terrible circumstance. Whether, you are stuck on a desert island or being chased by monsters these selections might save your life.
Sidenote: I stayed away from bikinis and board shorts because they seemed to easy. Sorry to anyone expecting scantily clad people.
Coconut Pete and the unbuttoned casual shirt
Club Dread’s Coconut Pete had 99 problems and heat wasn’t one of them. Pete was smart enough to wear a hat, and you can tell he carefully crafted his outfit throughout the years. His style choice is no accident. The dude knew how to stay cool.
.
A close second place is Jack Black in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. Black went full island.
Ssssshhhhh. Nobody remembers that I was in this movie.
.
The practical denim and hats of Tremors
Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward may have been a couple underachievers in Tremors, but they knew how to be practical and cool. Their wardrobe shows that they haven’t given up, and their clothes refuse to quit as well. Their wardrobe stays strong through the several day monster invasion and save them from a lot of unnecessary scratches and sunburn.
.
Tank Top Horror
I wrote a piece a few years ago that examined the phenomena known as “Tank Top Horror.” Almost every major actress (Jennifer Lawrence, Hilary Swank, Elizabeth Olsen, Jessica Chastain, Mary Elizabeth Winstead) have found themselves in a tank top horror film with wildly different results. These movies are rarely good but at least the tank top provides room to breath. If you are going to be chased around during the summer months I guess the tank top is a wise decision (according to the movies).
.
Dapper in the desert
Have you ever stood around in the desert (or any space without shade)? It is terrible, and the heat comes from everywhere. Thus, you need to cover up and be prepared for sun, sand and more sun and sand. The characters in The Mummy had wardrobes that protected them and looked awesome. Costume designer John Bloomfield was tasked with making the actors look cool and he totally succeeded. Everybody looks great and not too hot. Double win!
.
The gross yet practical clothing of The Devil’s Rejects
The Firefly family are a bunch of murderous psychos who spend most of their time in terribly hot places and gross hotel rooms. Thus, they don’t need anything fancy. They just need clothes that can withstand days without washing and the occasional blood stain. I feel like their clothes weren’t washed during the entire film shoot because director Rob Zombie wanted authenticity.
.
Camp Bloodbath and the perfect summer camp gear
Summer camp horror has long been a part of the horror genre. I love the exaggerated version of summer camp in the meta-horror film The Final Girls. Camp Bloodbath is a movie within a movie that rightfully feels like a movie within a movie (I think that makes sense). Everything is turned up to 11, and that includes the wardrobe. The characters are all stereotypes, and the articles of clothing represent that. No uniform is worn the same and I appreciate that steps were taken to give the horror fodder personalities.
.
The comfortable people being attacked by a creature while traversing a lagoon or river
If you go on an expedition to the Amazon I totally recommend you watch Anaconda or Creature from the Black Lagoon. The two films offer solid fashion suggestions to surviving long and potentially deadly boat trips.
.
What did I leave out? Let me know!
Share this post:
The 2016 Mid-Year Random Awards: Celebrating Wasted Scotch, Teeth Piercings and Sweaters
The Random Awards are back and they are celebrating the best of 2016 (so far)! I love randomness (just listen to the pod) and because of this I put deep thought into dumb awards. The films of 2016 have given me ample material to work my randomness and I hope you enjoy the inane and cheeky awards
Sit back, relax and enjoy the 2016 Mid-Year Random Awards!
Best Plum
Bucky never got to eat his plum in Captain America: Civil War. Poor guy, just let him eat his plums!
.
Best Usage of Baby Goo Award
Here is the setup. A witch steals a baby and smooshes it into a gross glob of baby goo. Then, she smears it on a broomstick and flies away. It is very gross and memorable. The Witch is messed up.
You won’t find the baby when you open your eyes.
.
Best Jean Jacket
Midnight Special is a brilliant film. Michael Shannon rocks a great jean jacket. He also buttons his shirt all the way up. Awesome!
.
I’m Amazed That the Concert Venue in Green Room Actually Had a Green Room Award
If you get a chance check out Green Room. It is an incredibly tense thriller that puts your nerves in a headlock.
.
Best Fourth Wall Break Inside a Fourth Wall Break Award
Deadpool breaks the fourth wall 23 times in Deadpool (thanks Mashable). The best wall break features Wade Wilson talking about meeting his blind roommate. In the process, 16 walls get obliterated. Pure gold.
.
Best Movie, Mustaches, Dialogue and Usage of Kurt Russell’s Son Wyatt Award
Everybody Wants Some!! is the best movie of 2016 (so far)
,
Best Sweater Award
Vision has a strong sweater game. Also, Vision and Wanda should’ve kissed in Captain America: Civil War instead of Steve and Sharon Carter (that was weird). The world needs more purple people in sweaters.
.
Best Rope Work Award
I love Hail, Caesar! Alden Ehrenreich’s character Hobie Doyle steals the show. You will love his rope skills, observations and dealings with Ralph Fiennes. I still don’t know how he managed to use a spaghetti lasso.
.
Best Flare Gun Usage Since The Last Stand Award
The Shallows was a pleasant surprise that features the best flare gun work since Johnny Knoxville in The Last Stand.
.
Lex Luthor Drinks the Same Bourbon as I Do Award
Lex Luthor and I have similar taste in bourbon. Does that mean I plan on conjuring up an overly-intricate plan to kill a superhero?
.
I Hate That You Wasted Scotch. However, You Get a Free Pass on This One Award
I love 10 Cloverfield Lane. However, I hate that Scotch was wasted. I understand why it was wasted, but it should never have come to that. What did the Scotch do to deserve such a fate?
.
Best Polar Bear Riding Award
How did the new Huntsman movie end up with Emily Blunt, Charlize Theron and Jessica Chastain? That is a casting coup.
.
MVTS (Most Valuable Toilet Stall) Award
The toilet stall in The Nice Guys did some great work. It stole the scene from Ryan Gosling.
.
Best Standing Around in a Semicircle Award
Apocalypse and his four horsemen do nothing but look fabulous and stand around in a semicircle for two hours. X-Men: Apocalypse is not good.
.
Couldn’t We Battle a Marshmallow Demon Instead(?) Award
I feel for the Warrens in The Conjuring 2. They have to battle the jerkiest villains.
.
Huh? What? Really? No? Wait? Huh? What? Really? You Made This? Who Signed Off on This? Really? Huh? Gerry Butler? Egypt? Gods? Huh? Award
Gods of Egypt is insane. I don’t know why it happened. Who thought it was a good idea?
.
Best Usage of Spanx Award
Alison Brie has a fantasitc breakdown in How to be Single that involves her frightening children, pulling out hair extensions and getting entwined in her spanx. Best freakout of 2016 (so far)
.
Best Mafia Boss in an Animated Film Award
Mr. Big steals the show in Zootopia. He is a Godfather-esque artic shrew how throws a great wedding. Also, I read that arctic shrews are actually very tough. Solid decision Disney.
.
When a Crazy Premise Makes a Mediocre Movie Slightly Better Than Mediocre
The Boy is a weird movie. It isn’t good, but the whole evil doll premise is kinda awesome. I love that the “babysitter” doesn’t follow a single rule as well. She basically ignores everything and suffers harassment via doll.
.
This is How You Introduce New Characters Award
Black Panther and Spider-Man are perfectly introduced in Captain America: Civil War. I hate that Marvel is so good. All my money goes to them.
.
Ryan Reynolds Loves Swapping Bodies Award
Between Self/less, R.I.P.D., The Change-Up, Big Monster on Campus and now Criminal, Ryan Reynolds can’t stop swapping bodies. Did anybody watch Criminal?
.
Best Teeth, Ear and Nose Piercings Award
Orcs love their piercings in Warcraft. I’d love to see the Orcs get their teeth pierced. They’d act all cool and calm, but I guarantee they’d be hurting.
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996), the worst in the franchise so far.
MY CALL: Nope, nope, nope. This is by far the worst in the franchise so far. MORE MOVIES LIKE Leprechaun in Space: Leprechaun (1993), Leprechaun 2 (1994), Leprechaun 3 (1995) and the further sequels taking Warwick Davis to “da hood.” Normally I’d warn you not to watch Leprechaun: Origins (2014)–terrible even for a direct-to-DVD B-movie–but it was actually better than Part 4. For more horror in space you’d be wise to turn to Event Horizon (1997), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996) or Jason X (2001).
You should wear a special suit to protect you from this movie.
With sequels, the stakes tend to get bigger with each subsequent story. Whereas Leprechaun (1993) had nothing of the sort, Leprechaun 2 (1994) boasted three wishes granted to a Leprechaun’s captor and his search for a bride, and Leprechaun 3 (1995) offered infectious Leprechaunthropy! How do we up the ante from there? How about going to space…???
Evidently ball-gags happen in space.
The writing is absolutely the worst in the series (so far anyway), not that there’s any surprise about that. This entire movie looks like a space porno parody. Cheap space porno sets, stale space porno acting, wretched space porno special effects, and the Leprechaun even wields a light saber! Parts 2 and 3 were at least enjoyable for their silliness, but this just hurts to watch. It’s far beyond stupid.
A group of colonial marines a la Aliens (1986) prepare to seek and destroy an alien life form responsible for stealing from their employer’s space mine yield. Hmmmm, I wonder who the alien is and what they’re mining…?
When we meet our Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) he is wooing a space princess (Rebecca Carlton; Baywatch) dressed as a belly dancer complete with stripper glitter and a spiked bra. Much classier than our past iterations of this monstrous Irish species, he pulls out champagne and marriage proposals to position himself for a family career in mine management.
After being left for dead by marines, our Leprechaun magically impregnates himself into a man’s crotch, who later gives birth to him through his penis (no gore or latex L ) with just bad enough timing to prevent us from seeing a fine space marine’s (Debbe Dunning; Home Improvement) boobs.
Cheap horror normally offers only two things: boobs and blood. There’s a general shortage of both here–minimal gore and one brief boob flash that is exactly that, a deliberate boob flash by the character. Asinine!
The extent of the special effects is limited to magical sparks, a comically flattened face, three exploding Leprechaun scenes and a rubber monster suit when someone is mutated into an insectoid monster and pretty much steals the show.
As laughable as this sounds, take note that in four years the world has witnessed as many Leprechaun movies! So if we the movie-going people disapprove, we’re not exactly voting that opinion with our movie-buying dollar. I love cheap horror and all, but this has become too destitute to support.
Yup. A giant Leprechaun happens.
Director Brian Trenchard-Smith (Night of the Demons 2, Leprechaun 3) had taken all of the already-shaky-at-best rules of evil Leprechauns and thrown them out the window to bring us the story of a short, ugly, wizard with humbly moderate powers aiming to become a robber baron miner thorugh marriage. In fact, the mutant spider monster felt like more of a menace than the Leprechaun. My how far the franchise has fallen.
Yup. She somehow loses her pants.
The director of one of these fine films once suggested that each Leprechaun movie was about a different Leprechaun, which is the only sensible notion in the entire series considering that we have seen three Leprechauns meet horrible deaths in three states (South Dakota, California and Nevada) and now two solar systems. If only this Leprechaun could have been the last of its mythological species. But alas, such creatures of folklore have yet to befall “da hood” in, YES, a yet 5th installment in this series. I rue the day I have to sit through that!
Oh, how original. Let’s blow him out the air hatch into spaaaaace.
BARF!
Outside of a few pleasantly recognizable faces, among those not yet mentioned were Miguel A. Núñez Jr. (Return of the Living Dead) and Jessica Collins (The Young and the Restless), this movie has no redeeming qualities even in the realm of bad B-movies. Don’t ever watch it!
Share this post:
I love coming up with hybrid lists that feature combined critic and audience scores. There is something about combining critic/audience scores that makes me feel like a nerdy rebel. No one will ever agree on any list, but if you combine them together they form a Frankensteined creation that looks unruly but feels right. If you’ve been following MFF for some time you’ve read some random lists that highlight all things 21st century and horror franchises. I’ve been on a massive AFI top 100 tear as of late and it got me thinking about the highest rated films of all time. There was a fantastic Reddit post last year that reconfigured the top films into a massive list of 1,001. The results were really cool, and I loved the conversations it sparked. With this post I decided to take a less elegant angle and simply combine the lists I love. My hope is the 100 movies represent all facets of film making and judging by #50-55 it turned out pretty good.
50. Spirited Away (2001) – Top critic/audience rated film of the 21st century – Check out the list
51. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
52. Inside Out (2015)
53. Alien (1979)
54. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
55. Battleship Potemkin (1925)
Spirited Away is the #1 ranked critc/audience ranked film of the 21st century!
According to Empire, the number one sci-fi moment of all time is Hal shutting down in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Here is what I did. I found seven fantastic lists that represent the best according to critics and audiences. I started with the #1 on each list and worked my through them. The 100 films below showcase the top movies in all of the lists. Many of these films appeared in more than one list so I just used the best ranking for each
Here is the order of the top 100.
#1 = #1 AFI’s 100 Greatest America Films of All Time – Citizen Kane
# 2 = #1 – The 500 Greatest Movies of all Time – Empire – The Godfather
#3 = #1 – IMDb Top 250 – The Shawshank Redemption
#4 = #1 – 1,001 “Greatest” Movies of all Time – Reddit – The Godfather was the #1 pick, but it was #1 on Empire’s list. Thus, the #2 Seven Samurai jumped into the #4 spot – Once again it isn’t pretty but it gets the job done.
#5 = #1 – Top 100 Movies of all Time – Rotten Tomatoes – The Wizard of Oz
#6 = #1 – The 2015 Reddit Top 250 – Pulp Fiction
#7 = #1 – They Shoot Pictures Don’t They? – The 1,000 Greatest Films – Vertigo
#8 = #2 on AFI’s list. The list repeats like so.
This list isn’t elegant but it showcases an eclectic bunch of films that can appeal to cinephiles, critics and modern cinema lovers.
- Citizen Kane (1941)
- The Godfather (1972)
- The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
- Seven Samurai (1954)
- The Wizard of Oz (1939)
- Pulp Fiction (1994)
- Vertigo (1958)
- Casablanca (1942)
- Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
- The Godfather Part II (1974)
- 12 Angry Men (1957)
- The Third Man (1949)
- Fight Club (1999)
- 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
- Raging Bull (1980)
- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
- The Dark Knight (2008)
- Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
- All About Eve (1950)
- Whiplash (2014)
- Tokyo Story (1953)
- Singing in the Rain (1952)
- Jaws (1975)
- Schindler’s List (1993)
- The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
- Sunset Blvd. (1950)
- The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)
- The Rules of the Game (1939)
- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
- Gone With the Wind (1939)
- Goodfellas (1990)
- The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
- M (1931)
- Inglourious Basterds (2009)
- 8 1/2 (1963)
- Apocalypse Now (1979)
- Forrest Gump (1994)
- Modern Times (1936)
- The Departed (2006)
- City Lights (1931)
- The Apartment (1960)
- Sunrise (1927)
- Inception (2010)
- Modern Times (1936)
- Metropolis (1927)
- Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
- The Searchers (1956)
- Chinatown (1974)
- Bicycle Thieves (1948)
- The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
- Spirited Away (2001)
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
- Inside Out (2015)
- Alien (1979)
- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
- Battleship Potemkin (1925)
- Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
- The Matrix (1999)
- Rear Window (1954)
- E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
- No Country for Old Men (2007)
- City of God (2002)
- Breathless (1960)
- It Happened One Night (1934)
- Toy Story (1995)
- Psycho (1960)
- Taxi Driver (1976)
- Se7en (1995)
- Rashomon (1950)
- The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928)
- A Hard Day’s Night (1964)
- Birdman (or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)
- The Graduate (1967)
- Blade Runner (1982)
- The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
- On the Waterfront (1954)
- The Man With a Movie Camera (1929)
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (1937)
- There Will Be Blood (2007)
- The General (1927)
- Back to the Future (1985)
- It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
- The 400 Blows (1959)
- L’ Atalante (1934)
- Laura (1944)
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
- Some Like it Hot (1959)
- Die Hard (1988)
- The Usual Suspects (1995)
- Fanny and Alexander (1982)
- Persona (1966)
- Boyhood (2014)
- The Big Lebowski (1998)
- The Grapes of Wrath (1940)
- Aliens (1986)
- Life is Beautiful (1997)
- Paths of Glory (1957)
- Andrei Rublev (1966)
- North by Northwest (1959)
- The Shining (1980)
- To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Share this post:
You can download the pod on iTunes or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
We hope you enjoyed our last episode:
The MFF Podcast #62: Hush, Honeymoon and Lots of Squishy Noises
SUMMARY: Join us as we discuss James Wan’s recent impact on the horror genre, his latest work The Conjuring 2 (2016) and how it compares to his past work, and the highly debated The Witch (2016)–which we LIKED!
We answer such important questions as…
“If Gamera (or Gamora) fought Black Widow, whose ass would look best in black leather?”
“Will Norman Reedus make a good Ghost Rider?”
“Why was there never a Fifth Element sequel?”
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO,
or head over iTunes so you can download, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod.
Share this post:
Bad Movie Tuesday: Night Vision (1997), Cynthia Rothrock kicks no butt at all in this terrible police action movie.
Sadly this dull poster is very honest. We basically just get these three talking about crime.
MY CALL: Weren’t there supposed to be martial arts in this? Bad. Just plain bad. Probably Cynthia Rothrock’s worst movie. MORE MOVIES LIKE Night Vision: Probably any other Cynthia Rothrock movie would be better than this. Probably…but don’t hold me to that. This is the first one I’ve seen in about two decades! LOL. But if you’re in the mood for a proper Bad Movie Tuesday I’d have to recommend you go with Dolph Lundgren, a case of beer and your best bros. Perhaps The Elementary Stylings of Kindergarten Cop 2 or Dolph Lundgren and the Curse of the Shark Lake.
I recently decided I wanted to watch a bunch of Cynthia Rothrock (China O’Brien, Undefeatable) movies. Well guess what? That’s surprisingly not easy to do. As it turns out just about none of her movies are affordable on Amazon to buy except for her late 90s direct-to-video stuff and similarly her older stuff is nowhere to be found on Amazon Video or Netflix.
Now before we get started I’m sure you’re asking yourself “but is this a classy movie, like for a date night, right?” You bet, bro! We have ample nudity in just the first three minutes (quite a bit in the first 20 minutes and peppered throughout, in fact), we have the biggest female action star of the era (and she loves wearing tights to show off her karate-kickin’ butt), and one of the biggest names in blaxploitation (Fred Williamson; From Dusk ’til Dawn). So yeah, you bet it’s classy!
Officer Dakota Smith (Fred Williamson) is an aging alcoholic recently demoted beat cop who has problems with authority and a tendency to draw his gun on fellow officers. Kristin O’Connor (Rothrock) is a cute rookie (although she was about 40 when the movie was made) on probation with a tendency to kick sassy cops in the face. It’s as if they were meant to be partners.
They team up to stop a murderer in a black van from kidnapping and killing his young victims, and videotaping the whole thing to leave a calling card taunting the police. As interesting as that already isn’t, I was saddened to realize that this movie really stars Fred Williamson a lot more than it does Cynthia Rothrock. We have the queen of martial arts and I only see her throw one kick in the first hour. Whereas the aging Williamson has his laughable alley fight in which he strains to awkwardly kick so high I was almost certain he pulled a hamstring and tackles a guy into a pile of empty cardboard boxes. By the way, has anyone actually ever seen a pile of empty cardboard boxes in an alley. My guess is, if you have, they were only there because someone was about to shoot an 80s-90s action scene there.
But hey, there’s some good to this flick. For instance, it’s scored like an action-themed porn movie (sometimes written and filmed like one, too) and it features a kooky dwarf. Perhaps the only aspect of the movie that isn’t awful is Robert Forster’s (Olympus Has Fallen, Jackie Brown) performance and the awkward fat guy having naughty relations. Speaking of which, there’s an awful lot of nude naughtiness going on. All told, we’re looking at about ten boobs in this movie.
Two oddly misleading posters. To the left, it looks like we’re getting an edgy action movie featuring Shannon Tweed. It really only features her boobs. To the right it looks like a dark mystery. Nothing dark or mysterious here.
So, I have to wonder, what is Cynthia Rothrock even doing here? She kicks one guy…ONE in the first hour! This is like casting Dolph Lundgren (Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, The Expendables 2) and then not letting him break people–kind of like how Dolph Lundgren did zero punching in Shark Lake (2015). What a waste of a giant Swede! I think the low point of the movie is when Rothrock uses about five different woodwind instrument playing innuendos for a man’s penis. Trombone, flute, sliding trombone…ouch. She must have needed the money. But alas, it gets worse. Towards the end of the movie she has a terrible fight scene (no doubt limited by the complete choreographical inability of the cast of bad guys), probably the worst of her career. It made my heart sink.
Fred: “Why are you in this movie, Cynthia?
Cynthia: “I really have no idea. Now please stop holding your hand like your fondling invisible balls!”
At this point you might be thinking “hey, come on, it was the 90s–of course it sucks.” Well, you hold your horses, Youngblood. Jackie Brown, Con Air, Face/Off, Air Force One, Starship Troopers, The Edge, The Jackal, The Fifth Element, G. I. Jane, Tomorrow Never Dies and The Postman all came out in theaters the same year. Wow. Could you imagine being the person who picked Night Vision over any of these for a date night at the movies? LOL.
See this poster? ALL LIES! We see none of this, she doesn’t wear that outfit and doesn’t do that awesome vertical roundhouse kick. ALL LIES!
Watch out for the 46 minute mark for some of the worst police work EVER. Oof! These two look like they had one completely unrehearsed, site-unseen take to get it right. They look confused and they definitely don’t know how to cover one another. Later we see that no one on set knew what a gunfight should look like or how to handle a gun. These cops don’t know how to be cops. This was perhaps worse than when Dolph was a hitman who stood in one place all the time shooting people in One in the Chamber (2012). What a terrible hitman! I consulted the world Dolph Lundgren bad movie expert, Mark Hofmeyer, who confirmed for me that he never moves while shooting. Ever here of cover? Dude needs to watch Ronin (1998). I’d like to see Dolph’s hitman in a gunfight with these movie cops. What a tragedy!
Probably influenced by Sliver (1993) and Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995), our voyeuristic villain always seems to know exactly what our heroes are up to, going so far as to call them just to let them know that he knows where they are. Our killer likes targeting promiscuous Catholic women who can’t keep their clothes on. Evidently the videos are then sold through “crime syndicate porn channels.” I guess we’re supposed to believe that’s a thing just because they said it. Not since In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (2011) can I recall a even a Bad Movie Tuesday so poorly written.
A pretty honest poster considering all the nudity and the general lack of worthy action.
I’m especially fond of the HUGE and luxurious apartment interiors we find within drab apartment complexes and how the little notes our criminal mastermind videographer leaves hint that this movie thinks it’s playing off Seven (1995). The film seemed to think it had a lot to say about alcoholism and adultery, but none of it was very convincing. This was wholesale stupidity presented before us with a straight face.
The director (Gil Bettman) had really only ever done some TV work and a handful of unrecognizable movies. He doesn’t seem to have a clue how to direct an action movie, or a dramatic seen… or anything. And speaking of everything he did wrong, weren’t there supposed to be martial arts in this? He cast “the queen of martial arts” didn’t give her anyone with fighting experience to face? So she just hits people, and they just get hit and don’t really do anything back. Stupid….just stupid.
Watch this for a good laugh with a buzz but do not, I repeat DO NOT watch this expecting to see a Cynthia Rothrock martial arts movie. For of all the horrible things this movie is, “that” it is not.
Share this post:
MY CALL: This movie looks too cool to skip, but you should keep your expectations quite low despite the trailer quality. Lots of high fantasy presented in garbled CGI quality and fragmented storytelling. MOVIES LIKE Viy: Forbidden Empire: Perhaps Viy (1967), on which several scenes in this movie were based. This film reminded me of the dark fantasy found in The Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001), The Brothers Grimm (2005), Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) or the Lord of the Rings trilogy (1978, 2001-2003) or The Hobbit trilogy (1977, 2012-2014). For older dark fantasy try Legend (1985), Willow (1988), Labyrinth (1986), The Dark Crystal (1982), Wizards (1977), The Last Unicorn (1982), The Wiz (1978) or Return to Oz (1985).
There’s something odd about the tone set by this Russian fantasy film set in 1701 Europe. From its very start it frantically darts from one story idea to another, this new character to the next, this scene to that, festooned with CGI effects and transitions that smack more of a videogame than a movie. We are bombarded by this collage of scenery and characters, complete with romantic prophecy, mortal love, an inspired inventor and explorer, some sort of horned bog creature and all manner of magic in a matter of minutes. This may strike you as something that sounds cool–but the film is not nearly as cool as the trailer.
The budget is clearly not high as indicated by the non-CGI set components, and CGI is routinely used to complement the scenery. It resembled the effects of the “clip scenes” from some horror/fantasy videogame that had amazing effects a decade ago but seems to fall short in quality today. This produces mixed feelings from this reviewer. Whereas the CGI augments the sense of high fantasy, its quality leaves me fearful that this crutch may be employed to mask other shortcomings. One such shortcoming was the atrocious English dubbing, which was more irresponsibly haphazard than that found in 1970s Kung Fu Theater. Just terrible.
Our bold explorer Dzhonatan Grin (Jason Flemyng; Hanna, X-Men: First Class) sets out to make the most accurate maps the world has ever seen using his own cartography invention. But like Gulliver or Baron von Munchausen, he has his share of misadventure. He encounters witches, foolish drunk monks, superstitious villagers and zombie wolves…but that’s the “normal” stuff. After he is commissioned to map the area surrounding a lord arrested to his land for fear of some curse, the locals take a particularly strong interest in Dzhonatan (dubbed Jonathan).
While the effects quality was mediocre, the scene featuring the girl’s animated, almost hag-like possessed corpse and the animated prehensile roots was pretty cool. It made for a long action sequence. Likewise, the mass transformation scene at the dinner table was the coolest scene of the film.
As if magically fueled by the darkest of witchcraft, the men transform into demonic creatures and their entrée pirogues hatch stillborn monstrous yet diminutive fetuses into a swarm of tiny winged imps. The demons are pretty awesome, but the scene itself comes out of nowhere and would benefit from a larger budget. Enjoyable nonetheless! I particularly enjoyed seeing the perversions of their now vestigial, modified or recently detached body parts.
Then there’s the creature with the crazy eyelids and the compound eyes. As if born from the mind of Guillermo del Toro, the monsters were clearly the highlight of this film.
Unfortunately, the scenes between the special effects pelted us with fragmented story components and, again, the destitute dubbing only made things worse since there was a lot of story to tell. Not even the occasional scene with Charles Dance (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) could save this film.
An Amazon reviewer (brad1110c, to give credit) called this a “hot mess of almost…OR an interesting jumble of potential.” That’s probably a perfect assessment of these neat ideas packed into a woeful film. The neat steam punk story, fantasy theme and Transylvania setting would benefit from a Netflix series treatment, in my opinion. If you’ve seen (and probably fallen in love with) the trailer, I probably cannot dissuade you from seeing this or waiting until it can be viewed for free. Just be warned that expectations should be set low. VERY LOW.
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Slime City (1988), a low budget 80s “melt” horror for fans of schlocky gore-slathered messes.
NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW
JUST…DON’T LOOK AT THIS IN YOUR OFFICE, OK?
NOT SAFE FOR WORK!
FAR TOO GROSS FOR YOUR WORK PLACE!
MY CALL: This “melting horror flick” was made for fans of ultra-low budget 80s horror and gore-slathered messy schlock. No nudity, but rather violent and featuring some of the worst acting the genre has to offer. So, yeah, I liked it! MOVIES LIKE Slime City: The Incredible Melting Man (1977) was among the earlier “melting horror” movies. But Street Trash (1987), Neon Maniacs (1986), The Toxic Avenger (1984) and Class of Nuke ’em High (1986) are all more in the same style as Slime City. For something more recent and far more sleazy (and “breasty”) slime horror, try BioSlime (2010). Also, if you enjoyed this Slime City (which I watched with my Shudder subscription through Amazon Prime), try to 2010 sequel Slime City Massacre!
There’s something about the dregs of indie 80s horror that breeds an uneasing atmosphere. The writing and direction is awful and the acting can be completely stale. But this manifests something of a horror-appropriate awkwardness at times, doesn’t it? Such is the case with Slime City, a film that doesn’t go easy on the weirdness gas pedal.
When we meet Alex (Craig Sabin; Naked Fear, Slime City Massacre) he is looking for a new apartment with his girlfriend in hopes that this privacy from his old roommate will break his lady’s chastity. His frustrations are apparent and he seems to be getting tired of her, but he’s quite interested in his promiscuous rocker down-the-hall neighbor who is actually played by the same actress as his girlfriend (Mary Huner; Undying Love).
Does anyone really have a neighbor like this?
She’s posing like this alone in her apartment, BTW.
Yearning for company Alex accepts a dinner invitation from an emo poet neighbor who serves green Himalayan yogurt for dinner and, somehow, Alex readily accepts a glass of some mysterious green fluid that was prepared decades ago by a purported alchemist! He is told this directly right before he decides to take a sip. Whatever bad shit happens to him, he has it coming for being stupid!
Writer/director Greg Lamberson (Killer Rack) seems to follow hard in the footsteps of such delightfully stupid, gory, smutty and brutal predecessors as Street Trash (1987), The Toxic Avenger (1984) and Class of Nuke ’em High (1986). After Alex’s weird green yogurt and beverage dinner date, he has a clothes-on sex session with the slutty girl next store and wakes up covered in some manner of perhaps sexually transmissible slime.
Excellent disguise you made with those slime-soaked gauze…
Won’t draw any attention at all!
His body is falling apart, oozing and leaking, with his skin about to slough off. Strangely, the only cure for this malady is to brutally bash in a hobo’s head with a lead pipe! Then, POOF! He’s clean, slimeless and normal again. So, evidently Alex is now a raging were-slime monster.
This is why we pay attention to expiration dates on cottage cheese!
As if taking after The Wolfman (1941) a fortune-teller gypsy warns his girlfriend of danger. Meanwhile, Alex wanders around like some hooker-soliciting mummy wrapped up in gauze, secreting mucous. He’s like an addict. He can’t stop drinking this alchemical concoction that makes him slime out, and then he must subsequently kill to appease the evil slime.
Much to my surprise, there was no nudity at all. And good for them, I guess. While there is clearly a place in cheap horror for gratuitous nudity, this flick brings enough gore to the table that the women need only disrobe to put on a clean, slime-free blouse between scenes. The real entertainment comes in the form of super gory sludgy scenes including mimicking The Thing‘s stomach mouth, a crawling brain, and an attacking headless animated body like The Reanimator (1985)…there’s a lot for gorehounds to enjoy here.
Yuck aaaaand yuck! LOL
Apparently the brain is the source of the infection. I guess it’s trying to escape.
It also sort of looks like the animated steak in Poltergeist (1982).
It turns out there’s a greater plot afoot. It involves Satan, the occult, resurrection, and all the jazz. Kinda’ dumb. But for fans of ultra-low budget 80s horror and gore-slathered messy schlock, this should entertain you.
Movies, Films & Flix 