Spectre: A Solid Addition to the James Bond Franchise
Bond films are rarely judged as a single entity. There is so much baggage associated with the Bond world that is is hard to review one of them without drawing comparisons from 50 years worth of super spy antics. I feel bad for Spectre because it will always live under the shadow of Casino Royale and Skyfall. However, Spectre is a solid addition to the Bond cannon and gives viewers what they want (explosions, martinis, beautiful people looking beautiful).
The film revolves around Bond hunting down a mysterious group called Spectre. His travels take him all over the world and find him engaging in martini drinking, fist fights and fitting into readily available tailored clothes. As Bond’s antics stay the same the world around him is changing. His rogue antics add fuel to the fire for intelligence agencies who want to trade out agents for drones. The license to kill agent is becoming obsolete and it gets to the point where he is injected with smart blood in order for M (Ralph Fiennes) and Q (Ben Whishaw) to keep track of him. Eventually, Bond goes AWOL and and it leads to a lot of death, sex and dastardly villains.
As always Christoph Waltz is fantastic as the villain. My favorite moment of the film involves him monologuing whilst wearing loafers without socks. He is a bad guy with style and I love how Waltz plays up all the bonkers traits that make Bond villains memorable. He is the world’s smartest man yet he inevitably places Bond in easy to escape situations and plays way too many games. Dave Bautista (Guardians of the Galaxy) is fun as the the mute (ish) villain Hinx. He may not be as personable as Odd Job or Jaws but his physicality adds another level to the fist fights. The guy can fight and his brawl with Bond aboard a train is brilliantly brutal and fits right alongside the From Russia With Love train brawl.
I missed cinematographer Roger Deakins (Skyfall, Prisoners) but I thought Hoyte Van Hoytema (Interstellar) did a fine job making the action and people look great. I am 100% certain that specific shots were created just to show off Daniel Craig and new Bond woman Lea Seydoux.
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What I loved about Spectre is how much care and art they put into the action set pieces. The opening scene in Mexico is a beautiful combination of steadicam work, fantastic costuming and a whole lot of tension. It is the best part of the movie and I can’t imagine the amount of work that went into creating the Day of the Dead parade. I think it might be my favorite of all the Bond cold opens because of the sheer size of it all. It is a brilliant way to open a film and I 100% think it has the best usage of a couch in any Bond film.
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What I appreciated most about the action is that it furthered the story. I dug how the action moved along the plot points, got expository dialogue out of the way and taught us what we need to know about the characters. Whether it be incredibly expensive super cars racing around Rome or an airplane chasing down cars in the Alps they further the story organically. It was really cool to see how director Sam Mendes incorporated old Bond tropes (skiing, chases, car gags, train fights) and made them fresh again. I had a smile on my face during the action scenes because they played with the familiar but added enough of a twist to make them exciting. That is why people love Bond films. There is a sense of familiar even as everything is changing. Sam Mendes paid respect to the fans and I hope they notice.
Spectre is a solid addition to the Bond cannon and I think it is better than any of the other Bond actors fourth entries (Tomorrow Never Dies, Moonraker, Thunderball). I can’t wait to add this to my Bond Blu-Ray collection and I hope audiences appreciate the amount of work that went into making this a solid film.
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My 13 Favorite Cinematic Moments Involving Somebody Throwing a Rock
Rocks have played an important part in the history of cinema. When used correctly the rock can be a valuable tool to start a conversation or throw at an alien lizard.
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What I love most about cinematic rock throwing is that it covers all genres. You can throw a rock in any type of film and it will probably make it better (no evidence of this). The list below features several Academy Award winners and cult classics that all expertly utilized picking up hard objects and throwing them.
The following post highlights my 12 favorite moments involving rocks throwing and I hope you enjoy!
Life of Brian
The stoning scene in Life of Brian is a perfect example of rock usage in cinema. The Monty Python crew know how to use accessories (rabbits, swords, rocks) perfectly and the stoning scene is glorious. Whether it be them looking for stoning rocks or hitting the wrong person they’ve perfected the art of the rock throw.
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The Shawshank Redemption
Andy Dufresne has escaped prison and the warden is in an uproar. He can’t fathom how the guy escaped so he does what any evil warden would do. He starts throwing rocks at Morgan Freeman then chucks a rock through the Raquel Welch poster on Andy’s wall. That tiny rock gives away a hole dug through the wall and it is one of the greatest reveals in cinema history.
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Braveheart
What do you do when challenged by Brendan Gleeson? You let him throw a big rock at you then you pick up a little rock and whack him between the eyes. The rock won a lot of respect.
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The Incredibles
I love when Mr. Incredible infiltrated a secret evil lair and knocked out a henchman with a perfectly thrown rock. He threw the rock about 200 yards and it perfectly dinked off the poor henchman’s head. The Incredibles is loaded with amazing action and monologues but my favorite scene is the rock throw.
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Mom and Dad Save the World
Warrior: This is one of our weapons.
Dad: This is a rock….
Warrior: Exactly! What you do is, raise your arm like so then you throw it (a guy gets knocked unconscious).
Dad: Right…..
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The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
The death of Boromir is the best scene of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. It is a fantastic moment involving lots of death and really solid rock throwing. What really impressed me was Merry and Pippin’s throwing arms. They knock out massive beasts with little rocks. Their aim is clinical and they give Boromir enough room to wipe out boatloads of Uruk-hais.
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Forrest Gump
Robin Wright’s rock throwing acting is probably the best of the bunch. She unloads with an angry fury and you totally buy into why she does it. Also, Forest ends the scene with the killer line “Sometimes I guess there just aren’t enough rocks.”
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Amelie
Amelie made skipping stones look like art. It is an ambitious shot that says a lot about the character (she climbs things and skips a mean rock).
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It’s a Wonderful Life
“What are you gonna throw a rock?” With this immortal line we are treated to one of the most charming cinematic scenes of all time. It all happened because of a rock (and a great script).
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Tremors
Rocks save lives. The rocks in Tremors kept people safe and momentarily tricked the Tremors into staying in one place. I’m not sure about Bacon’s throwing arm though.
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Godzilla
Godzilla and his foes throw a lot of rocks. None of them seem to hurt but I love watching rubber suited creatures throw fake rocks at each other.
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The Darjeeling Limited
I love The Darjeeling Limited. You need to watch it. The rock throwing isn’t spectacular but I like that the three brothers actually do something together.
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What cinematic rock throwing do you appreciate?
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The MFF Podcast #33: Carpenter (1978) vs Zombie (2007)
You can download the pod on Itunes or head over to Blog Talk Radio to stream it. If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
We hope you enjoyed our previous episode: Street Fighter Casting Call.
SUMMARY: This week the MFF crew discusses John Carpenter’s masterpiece Halloween (1978), Rob Zombie’s 2007 Halloween remake, and the things that made these films.
We also answer such important questions as…
“What Halloween party from a movie would you most like to attend?”
“Why was John Carpenter’s Halloween iconic?”
“Would Team America World Police be effective against a Sharknado?”
“Why do we love Halloween H20: 20 years later?”
“Which Halloween movie featured the filthiest feet?”
So if you get a chance please REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
You can listen to the pod on Blog Talk Radio
or head over Itunes so you can download, rate, review and share. Thanks!
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3 Days until Halloween! October Pick #5: Trick ‘r Treat (2007)
WHAT MAKES THIS A GOOD HALLOWEEN MOVIE? More like why is this “the” Halloween movie?!?!?! This is 77 minutes of impressively nuanced Halloween anthology goodness with diverse effects and expertly interwoven stories. Anthologies in general are great for Halloween because of all the different flavors of horror they offer us. This movie blows away expectations and is loads of fun. MOVIES LIKE Trick ‘r Treat: Some other fun, decent and/or clever anthologies include (in order of release date): Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Dark Side: The Movie (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013), V/H/S 2 (2013) and The Profane Exhibit (2013).
This fun little Halloween romp includes several interwoven stories. Unlike most anthologies, all of the stories herein share the same writer and director (Michael Dougherty; only feature film as director). So, also unlike most anthologies, there is a more consistent level of quality as we move from one short story to the next and there is no obvious beginning or end to each segment–instead they all overlap one another quite well. So much so, in fact, that some would even argue that this isn’t really an anthology film. Like in Creepshow, comic-book text boxes flag-post story shifts as light comedy and some downright silliness shine through to keep us smiling. After all, who said Halloween couldn’t be both gory and light-hearted? Mixed among the stories is a nice variety: vampires, werewolves, zombies, serial killers and midget monsters.
Here is a brief summary of the stories:
1. Four girls in cleavage-rich fairy tale costumes go out on Halloween night seeking manly fare. The girls are played by Anna Paquin (True Blood, Scream 4, Darkness), Rochelle Aytes, Moneca Delain (Lost Boys: The Tribe) and Lauren Lee Smith (Pathology). Paquin plays the shy virgin among a pack of experienced man-eaters.
Well, as we know, Disney always has been generous in the cleavage department.
Whoa. There’s a change up. From innocent school girl (above) to R-rated Van Helsing extra (below).
2. A bus driver attempts to kill a bus full of mentally disturbed children and sort of succeeds. This event (which is told as a scary story) is linked to a mean prank that some kids pull. The kids include Britt McKillip (Mission to Mars) and Jean-Luc Bilodeau (Piranha 3DD).
What’s down there? I’m guessing a trick.
3+. The overarching intro-to-closing story observes trick-or-treating and trick-or-treaters or all ages in a pleasant neighborhood. Pleasant, that is, until people start dying at the hands of a strange diminutive murderer and a kid-killing school principal. This “story” features really more than one story of its own and the cast features Leslie Bibb (Hell Baby, 7500), Dylan Baker (The Cell, Fido) and Brian Cox (Zodiac, The Ring).
Dylan Baker is pretty handy with a carving knife. Check it out, fat kid from Bad Santa.
While not “maturely” or seriously presented, the writing felt sound, credible and free of any flaws that would provoke criticism. Great, in fact, for this kind of movie. A finer detail in this film is the effective use of jack-o-lanterns as a symbol of death. Pay attention to what happens after someone blows a jack-o-lantern’s candle out. Also note that the bus driver and the principal each find themselves in more than one story. Also pay attention as a murderer’s child dresses as the murder, complete with a blood-stained shirt after murdering someone earlier in the film! Now that is META!
A fine job was done with the special effects. There’s no CGI (that I can tell) and every nuance worth showing got plenty of skillful attention. The gore includes geyser-like vomiting, bloody bodies, severed heads, rubber guts, broken legs with exposed bones, stacks of corpses and a breasty flesh-stripping transformation scene. I really dug the artistic license taken on the werewolf transformation scene! It may seem a little dumb to horror fans at first glance, but it was done VERY well and it mingled fantastically with the “girls in slutty costumes” theme; they literally “stripped” off their human skin to reveal the wolf within. Given the tone of the movie and the scene, it felt perfect.
It saddens me that Michael Dougherty (the man behind this tactful movie) hasn’t done anything in years. I’d like to think he’s working on his next horror masterpiece. But I fear he’s fallen into obscurity.
This is far more worthy than any anthologies of the last 20 years in terms of overall quality. So take the time this Halloween to enjoy this light-hearted masterpiece.
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Hello all. Mark here.
The world is inundated with lists telling you which horror films to watch on Halloween. I’m sure they all have their merits but they aren’t looking out for everybody. We here at MFF want to bring you a wide variety of films in order to give you options. We understand that not everybody watches the same kind of movies so options are always nice.
The following posts features 11 categories and in those categories I’ve given you a main option and a backup in case you don’t like the first recommendation. Hopefully you can find something you will enjoy.
If you are in the mood for…..
A foreign horror film that will punch you in the face with an insane amount of depravity and awesomeness.
I Saw the Devil – This is the kind of film I don’t normally recommend because it is crazy bleak. However, if you appreciate horror or good cinema you will love this story about a cat and mouse game between a serial killer and vengeful cop. It is violent, bleak and amazingly directed.
- If you aren’t interested: You should check out Thirst. It is a glorious South Korean vampire tale that tires you out and makes you fall in love with it.
A foreign horror film that features a unique monster battling a resourceful family.
The Host – It doesn’t get any better than The Host. It tells a bonkers story about a kidnapping monster and the family that battles it. Watch it now!
- If you aren’t interested: Check out Black Sheep. Both The Host and Black Sheep have WETA special effects which means the creatures look awesome.
A Bonkers delight that features demon goats, car park battles and Sam Raimi awesomeness.
Drag Me To Hell – You will love this movie. It is the first movie my wife and I watched together (she is still with me) and it is incredibly fun and very gooey.
- If you aren’t interested: There aren’t any demon goats but Evil Dead II is a gonzo delight that proves sequels aren’t always bad.
A Vampire mockumentary that is big on blood and humor.
What We Do in the Shadows – “We are werewolves, not swearwolves.” You need to watch this film about cheeky vampires who deal with all sorts of cheeky problems.
- If you aren’t interested: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon is a cheeky/violent mockumentary that focuses on a budding serial killer who lives in the same world as Freddy, Jason and leatherface.
A found footage movie about a Tomb Raider type who totally redeems herself.
As Above, So Below – It is refreshing when everybody doesn’t die. Also, I like the Indiana Jones/ Tomb Raider type plot.
- If you aren’t interested: Check out Trollhunter. It is found footage done right.
A horror film that pretty much takes place in one location.
Pontypool – I still can’t believe how much I loved this movie. It features four people, lots of talking and very effective creeps. It is inventive and fun.
- If you aren’t interested; Check out Devil. Ignore the “produced by M. Night” label and embrace the neat sense of dread and singular plot.
A film about spelunkers battling claustrophobia and other terrible stuff.
The Descent – I love this movie and you need to watch it now. It will scare you senseless.
- If you aren’t interested – Check out Attack the Block. Nobody spelunks but the English film features cool characters and unique creature design.
A remake that is better than it has any right to be.
Fright Night – The chemistry is fantastic and David Tennant is awesome. There are some some solid frights as well.
- If You Aren’t Interested – The Crazies is a low-budget remake that works marvels and has a fantastic cast.
A Halloween cult classic anthology film.
Trick r’ Treat – This cult classic Halloween centered film has amassed a loyal following and I recommend you become one of those people.
- If you aren’t Interested – Halloween is a classic and you might as well watch something that revolves around Halloween.
A horror comedy featuring kindly rednecks.
Tucker & Dale vs. Evil – It is almost impossible to dislike Tucker and Dale. They are good dudes who have to deal with jerky college kids.
- If you aren’t interested – Shaun of the Dead is a beautiful horror comedy that will make you laugh and feel all the feels.
A trilogy of films where you actually like the people involved.
Insidious I, II, and III – I love these films and they feature a whole lot of nice people battling jerky demons.
- If you aren’t Interested: Watch Final Destination I, II, III and V and skip the fourth one.
Hopefully somewhere in here you will have found a movie you want to watch! If not, try 28 Days later, 28 Weeks Later and the remake of Dawn of the Dead. Fast zombies galore!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Final Girls (2015), an excellent horror satire and a clever slasher metamovie.
MY CALL: This film is all about celebrating metamoviedom. Not kills, not gore, not action, but geeky commentary and smart, playful satire. I highly recommend it and would even prescribe it to people who generally don’t like horror movies. MOVIES LIKE The Final Girls: While they’re far more serious (yet satirical), I’d suggest the Scream movies (1996-2011; discussed in our podcast). Those looking for more smart horror comedy should try out Tucker and Dale versus Evil (2010), Cooties (2015), or the extremely silly Love in the Time of Monsters (2014) and Zombeavers (2015; discussed in our podcast).
Director Todd Strauss-Schulson is responsible for this playful metamovie, presenting a “movie within a movie” premise in which the protagonists must follow the classic horror axioms in order to survive the film into which they are magically transported. As a true honorarium to early summer camp horror, the film in question has a poster reminiscent of The Burning (1981) and is called is Camp Blood, which was the original working title for Friday the 13th (1980).
Clearly mirroring Camp Crystal Lake, the film is complete with “ch ch ch ka ka ka” which our protagonists can actually hear as if they were watching the very movie that has entrapped them! They also make interesting use of flashbacks as a metamovie filmmaking device to escape the killer. The flashbacks tell the killer’s origin story and it’s very much akin to that of Jason Vorrhees, including the flashback timeframe (1957) and the “present day” timeframe of Camp Blood (1986). It’s all in good fun and it will light up smiles on fans of 80s horror.
This film knows exactly what it is and it uses that effectively to entertain viewers with nods to things we love about the 80s horror era. Manic power geek Duncan (Thomas Middleditch; Silicon Valley) assumes Jamie Kennedy’s Scream role as the meta-analyst and Camp Blood expert of the group. His knowledge of horror movies and Camp Blood helps them to safely navigate this horror fantasy world and understand the rules—for a while anyway. He makes silly comments about how the characters behave, knowing the lines of the script, and how they should treat their experience like they’re in a nature preserve: “don’t interrupt, only observe.” He is the key character that connects us to the theme.
Max (Taissa Farmiga; American Horror Story) is the typical final girl, a likable sympathetic virgin. Perhaps a namesake in honor of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Max’s mother is Nancy (Malin Akerman; Watchmen), a single mother struggling to find work who was a scream queen in the cult classic Camp Blood (fictionally made in 1986). In the real world Nancy died in a car accident, so when we find her character again in Camp Blood, Max has the opportunity to reconnect with her even if it’s under the guise that they are peers working together for the summer. This gets particularly entertaining when Nancy talks about sleeping with Kurt (Adam DeVine; Pitch Perfect), the over-sexed alpha bro.
Kurt brings loads of comic relief and the characters are rounded out with Chris (Alexander Ludwig; Vikings, The Hunger Games), Vicki (Nina Dobrev; The Vampire Diaries) and the stereotypical slut Tina (Angela Trimbur; Halloween II). I was pleased with the acting and story, and even more pleased with the nuances. Most notably the color correction of the forest plants and flowers was starkly in brilliant contrast, as if the protagonists had just been displaced to Oz.
As if their horror microcosm comprised only the scenes and sets of Camp Blood, attempts to escape the camp site loop them right back and it even affects the behavior of the Camp Blood characters. Once the group has a handle on the metamovie rules they discover that one of them has to be the “final girl” and, in fact, their idea of who that should be and why shifts a bit. They also use tropes that lead to death (i.e., implications of nudity) to set a trap for the killer. How that turns out will delight viewers.
There are some very funny death scenes but gore is kept to a minimum and scares are completely absent (in lieu of comedy). One kill even reminds me of the gymnast’s death in Final Destination 5 (2011).
Overall, this film was smartly scripted and a true delight. It should please diehard horror fans and even occasional visitors to the genre.
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The MFF Podcast #32: Street Fighter Casting Call
You can download the pod on Itunes or head over to Blog Talk Radio to stream it. If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
We hope you enjoyed our previous episode: A Scream on Elm Street.
SUMMARY: This week the MFF crew discusses the our dream team cast for a cinematic reboot of Street Fighter (or, more specifically, Street Fighter II).
We also answer such important questions as…
“Why is it so hard to cast Chun Li in Street Fighter?”
“Where does Dolph Lundgren fit in a Street Fighter reboot and future Rocky films?”
Sit back, relax and learn about everything you missed.
If you haven’t seen some of these movies, be comforted that we will geekily inform you as to why you should watch them.
JCVD (Guile from Street Fighter) has a Chinese penny for your thoughts…
So if you get a chance please REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
You can listen to the pod on Blog Talk Radio
or head over Itunes so you can download, rate, review and share. Thanks!
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The Last Witch Hunter: Dungeons, Dragons and Diesel
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The Last Witch Hunter ain’t Shakespeare but it is a lot of fun. Anytime a movie creates a new world and features Vin Diesel punching witches I’m sold. I’ve grown tired of watching sequels, remakes and prequels so I’m happy a movie as ridiculous as The Last Witch Hunter was released. I was able to take my brain out and appreciate a world full of plague trees, shadow walkers and gnarly beards.
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The Last Witch Hunter is based on a Dungeons and Dragons character that Vin created during his D&D days. He is a massive gamer and thought it would be cool to make a movie about the character. With the Fast & Furious series making insane amounts of money I guess Vin Diesel was given carte blanche when it came to creating this film. Thus, a script was written and Breck Eisner (The Crazies) was pegged to direct the movie about a suave immortal witch hunter.
Think of The Last Witch Hunter as the anti-Constantine. In Constantine the character was dying and looking to atone for his wrong doings via eradicating evil. In The Last Witch Hunter Kaulder (Diesel) was cursed with immortality and uses his powers to wrangle up trouble making witches. He is basically a mixture of The Highlander, Constantine and Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters. Throw in some James Bond and tailored shirts and you have Kaulder.
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The plot centers around Kaulder preventing his old nemesis the witch queen from rising again. He laid the smack down on her 800 years prior and now he has no urge to battle with the deadly villain again. So, he travels around town with his handler Dolan (Elijah Wood) and deals with various trouble makers in order to get a handle on the strange things that are afoot. His journey leads him to potions, curses, cupcakes, plague flies, hell portals, fizzy drinks, double crosses and a shadow walker named Chloe (Rose Leslie).
My favorite part of the movie was watching Kaulder traveling around doing detective work. I loved how the world unfolded and I definitely caught a strong John Wick world building vibe. A lot of nerd energy went into building this gonzo world and I would have been happy if it would have lead to a simple detective story as opposed to the obligatory CGI battle that doesn’t make a lick of sense. If there is a sequel I hope it becomes more grounded but still fashionable.
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This isn’t a knock on Vin but I’m glad they made his character immortal because he is basically going that route in the Riddick and Fast series. The immortal angle allows Vin to run through skeleton creatures whilst still being relaxed. He is an unstoppable force that is immortal for a pretty good reason. I won’t give it away but when the big moment comes and you learn about his immortality you get it. Vin came up with a good idea and I really we get another installment because I’m down for more witch punching.
I’m not saying The Last Witch Hunter is as good as Constantine or as fun as The Mummy. I’m saying it creates a new world and you can tell Vin loves every second of it. For me as consumer I appreciate new stories and I think Vin’s world is perfect for further stories about witches getting drop kicked.
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John’s Horror Corner: Nothing Left to Fear (2013), a mediocre religious horror story about a small town with a dark secret.
LOADS OF SPOILERS LOADS OF SPOILERS
LOADS OF SPOILERS LOADS OF SPOILERS
LOADS OF SPOILERS LOADS OF SPOILERS
MY CALL: Barf! This religious ritual/possession movie will leave you unsatisfied and annoyed with dozens of unanswered questions. MOVIES LIKE Nothing Left to Fear: I’d suggest that you instead watch The Last Exorcism (2010), Children of the Corn (1984) or The Shrine (2010).
The film starts out in a rather familiar but promising way. A wholesome and outwardly religious family stops to ask for directions to their new home in Stull, Kansas. The father of the family is relocating to serve as the new pastor of the quaint, God-fearing hamlet. Reminiscent of The Last Exorcism (2010) and Children of the Corn (1984), the vast openness of the countryside hints at a socially remote and geographically isolated Bible Belt society living under a patriarchal theocracy in lieu of modern government. And that’s exactly what we get.
Of course, everyone in town is hospitable to their new pastor, despite being a bit on the weird side. And, also of course, things start to get weirder…and slow! After a brisk start, the pace becomes sluggish after we are introduced to our protagonist family and the residents of Stull.
The introduction is acceptably tropey and features good acting, but sadly the scares fail to follow suit. The delivery behind a nightmare sequence featuring creepy townspeople and decaying ectoplasm-spewing ghosts failed to provoke even a flinch out of me. They may not have used loud noises to get the job done, but the scares never really connected; feeling ill-staged and randomly inserted.
And, not that I expect or demand much in the way of monster originality, but the evil entities smack a little too hard of Grave Encounters (2011), The Apparition (2012) and Pulse (2006), featuring wispy black ectoplasm that creeps like a supernatural infection afflicting flesh and inanimate objects alike with an abyssal decay. Once our evil antagonist assumes a more consistent form, it resembles a mix of Bughuul and a J-Horror stringy-air-in-the-face poltergeist with its victims appearing much as those drained corpses in Lifeforce (1985) or Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988). Sure, this film borrows a lot and, sure, I’m okay with borrowing horror elements. It’s just that this film failed to pack any punch.
Further failing to elicit any interest was the misplaced plot device of an inhuman “tooth” serving as some sort of unexplained (and completely unnecessary) unholy artefact. This wasn’t subtle. This tooth was discussed a lot by characters and we see it change hands multiple times. This is the first sign that the film is falling apart before our eyes because, when we’re introduced to the tooth, it is evidently used as a form of “God’s hand” to choose a victim for a dark ritual…and that choice is made when someone eats a piece of “welcome to town” cake with the tooth in it! There are better, creepier and still easier ways to have accomplished that task in a horror movie.
In an attempt to create a dire atmosphere, we encounter lines like “Have you made the choice? There can be no mistakes…We’re doing His will.” Clearly the locals have plans for their new pastor and his family. A sacrifice…a possession…an infernal impregnation (i.e., devil baby), perhaps? Suggesting that some impending evil is somehow the work of God, nightmare sequences now shift to undead demonic sheep afflicted with some manner of evil plague. Like the previous nightmare, it doesn’t seem to make any sense. Sure, there are some Biblical plague references in the imagery, but they are sorely misapplied.
So, I have now twice mentioned nightmare sequences. These are the dreams of the new pastor’s quite attractive older daughter (Rebekah Brandes) and, it turns out, that there is no reason for her to be having these dreams! Nothing is explained, implied, metaphorically paralleled…I couldn’t even invent a reason for her to be having these foreboding dreams indicating that something bad was going to happen to her family—especially because she is not the “chosen one.” Screwing up the already scrambled synthesis of this messy story even more is that her nightmares imply that specific townspeople will do her (or her family) harm…but that doesn’t actually happen except for one indirect case. Some townspeople do poison the other daughter and, again, there seems to be no reason behind it at all given the events that follow.
Many things are introduced that warrant explanation, aspects of the ritual being a lot of them…
Why is a sacrifice required?
What happens if they don’t do the ritual?
How often must the ritual be performed?
How do you know when it’s time to do the ritual?
Do you always use the tooth to choose the victim?
What if the new victims are gluten-intolerant and don’t eat the cake?
Where the Hell did this tooth come from? A demon? What demon?
Why is the victim later poisoned?
Why does the victim’s sister receive warnings in the form of nightmares?
How do they know when to end the ritual? Because, YES, that happens! The ritual and the awful things that come with it has an “off switch.” Here’s a good one.
If this happens every 10-20 years, how is the occasional death of an entire family (save one survivor who keeps her mouth shut for some reason) explained?
Does no one (e.g., police/FBI/PIs) ever look for them and connect the dots that a new-to-town family (except one locally adopted survivor—as if that’s how adoption worked) is wiped out within days of moving once every decade?
Here’s another winner. What happens if the surviving family members flee the town?
It turned out that a surviving family member was used to end the ritual. What if they died or got away…demon apocalypse? End of Days for Stull…the world?
There are movies that get away with leaving things mysterious. The Shrine (2010) is an excellent example. However, The Shrine doesn’t keep dealing out things that merit explanation—so it actually works! Children of the Corn also leaves a lot to the imagination, but it does so flawlessly and doesn’t pelt us with seemingly important things that go unexplained.
The effects are fine, even sort of good. They’re just not “effective” in delivery. The same can be said for the story and other components of this film. Despite some capable performances by Clancy Brown (as the retiring pastor) and Anne Heche, this was a largely unsatisfying movie experience. While the idea behind the ending was okay, the execution was a bit weak—but maybe a “bit” satisfying as well.
The only thing that really worked in this movie was our introduction to the characters, the opening atmosphere and the notion that something was weird about this town—all in the first 20-30 minutes. After that it all failed to find any form of synthesis, urgency, thrills or concern on my part. The characters didn’t do things that made sense, they didn’t react appropriately to situations (yes, even for a horror movie), and I left annoyed by the things that weren’t explained. A better movie would have left me curious, not annoyed.
As if it made any difference, Guns ‘r Roses’ Slash was a producer on this film.
I recommend this to no one.
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11 Cinematic Trees I Wouldn’t Want in My Front Yard
I recently watched a screening of The Last Witch Hunter and it got me thinking about dangerous trees. In the film there is a “plague tree” that is home to the witch queen and it is probably the worst thing ever. The tree exists so that plague flies can grow in it until they are ready to wipe out everybody. In honor of that jerky tree I’ve compiled a list of trees that I would not want in my front yard. Some of these trees are not evil or jerky. However, the occurrences around them would spell disaster for homeowners and would leave us as frustrated and confused as the people in The Happening.
Pretty much all the vegetation was jerky in The Happening.
Enjoy!
The Last Witch Hunter Plague Tree
Why? – It wants to kill everyone.
It would take up tons of acreage and would spell doom for humanity. Another negative is that you would have to deal with constant influx of crusaders looking to burn it down. Good luck having the fire department trying to put out a “plague tree” fire.
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The Evil Dead Tree
Why? – You know why.
If this tree was in my front yard I could probably never have visitors.
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The Ernest Scared Stupid Tree House
Why? – Attracts too many trolls.
How annoying would it be if you built a beautiful tree house then learned an evil troll was using it to rouse his minions. A child’s worst nightmare.
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The Hometree From Avatar That Sits on Top of a Bunch of Stuff That Corrupt Miners Want
The last thing a homeowner needs is to be stuck in the middle of a war between humans and blue people. Also, if a branch falls off that thing your house is done. Nobody will insure it.
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The Harry Potter Whomping Willow
Why? – You could never park your car in the driveway.
I understand the positives of the tree but it is way too unpredictable to have in your front yard.
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The Sleepy Hollow Tree of Blood and Summoning Power
Why? – Nobody wants to deal with what comes out of it.
The last thing you need is having a headless horseman jumping out of the tree and attacking your dinner guests.
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The Wizard of Oz Jerky Slap Tree
Why? – They are grumpy jerks who complain when you eat their fruit.
You are giving it free rent and you can’t eat its apples. That is not cool.
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The Poltergeist Tree Who Attacks Little Children
Why? – Total Jerk
Kids already have enough nightmares. Why would you add a tree bully who is up to no good and loves property destruction.
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Pan’s Labyrinth Toad Tree of Gross Bugs and Toads
Why? – Yuck
I love Pan’s Labyrinth but I wouldn’t want this tree on my lawn. Too many curious people would visit and I don’t want to deal with toads who offer immortality in their bellies.
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The Conjuring Tree That Dead Witches Hang On
Why? – It would always make people feel weird.
I know people wouldn’t be able to see what was hanging on the tree but I wouldn’t risk it. Everyone would look at it and think it was evil.
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The Guardian Tree Who Sucks People Into it and Can Bond With Evil People
Why? – The tree eats people.
If you move into a house I suggest you check each tree to make sure it hasn’t eaten any babies.
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