11 Cinematic Trees I Wouldn’t Want in My Front Yard
I recently watched a screening of The Last Witch Hunter and it got me thinking about dangerous trees. In the film there is a “plague tree” that is home to the witch queen and it is probably the worst thing ever. The tree exists so that plague flies can grow in it until they are ready to wipe out everybody. In honor of that jerky tree I’ve compiled a list of trees that I would not want in my front yard. Some of these trees are not evil or jerky. However, the occurrences around them would spell disaster for homeowners and would leave us as frustrated and confused as the people in The Happening.
Pretty much all the vegetation was jerky in The Happening.
Enjoy!
The Last Witch Hunter Plague Tree
Why? – It wants to kill everyone.
It would take up tons of acreage and would spell doom for humanity. Another negative is that you would have to deal with constant influx of crusaders looking to burn it down. Good luck having the fire department trying to put out a “plague tree” fire.
.
The Evil Dead Tree
Why? – You know why.
If this tree was in my front yard I could probably never have visitors.
.
The Ernest Scared Stupid Tree House
Why? – Attracts too many trolls.
How annoying would it be if you built a beautiful tree house then learned an evil troll was using it to rouse his minions. A child’s worst nightmare.
.
The Hometree From Avatar That Sits on Top of a Bunch of Stuff That Corrupt Miners Want
The last thing a homeowner needs is to be stuck in the middle of a war between humans and blue people. Also, if a branch falls off that thing your house is done. Nobody will insure it.
.
The Harry Potter Whomping Willow
Why? – You could never park your car in the driveway.
I understand the positives of the tree but it is way too unpredictable to have in your front yard.
.
The Sleepy Hollow Tree of Blood and Summoning Power
Why? – Nobody wants to deal with what comes out of it.
The last thing you need is having a headless horseman jumping out of the tree and attacking your dinner guests.
.
The Wizard of Oz Jerky Slap Tree
Why? – They are grumpy jerks who complain when you eat their fruit.
You are giving it free rent and you can’t eat its apples. That is not cool.
.
The Poltergeist Tree Who Attacks Little Children
Why? – Total Jerk
Kids already have enough nightmares. Why would you add a tree bully who is up to no good and loves property destruction.
.
Pan’s Labyrinth Toad Tree of Gross Bugs and Toads
Why? – Yuck
I love Pan’s Labyrinth but I wouldn’t want this tree on my lawn. Too many curious people would visit and I don’t want to deal with toads who offer immortality in their bellies.
.
The Conjuring Tree That Dead Witches Hang On
Why? – It would always make people feel weird.
I know people wouldn’t be able to see what was hanging on the tree but I wouldn’t risk it. Everyone would look at it and think it was evil.
.
The Guardian Tree Who Sucks People Into it and Can Bond With Evil People
Why? – The tree eats people.
If you move into a house I suggest you check each tree to make sure it hasn’t eaten any babies.
Share this post:
MFF Special: Almost Everything You Need to Know About Horror Franchises, Sequels and Remakes
Hello all. Mark here.
Everybody has their own personal favorite franchise/sequel/remake that cannot be gauged by any statistic. However, if you are a fan of horror movies and their evolution you will appreciate knowing the statistics of a film series that you love. The Movies, Films and Flix Metrics system (MFFM) can’t explain why the dog from The Hills Have Eyes 2 was having flashbacks or how Jason was able to punch someone’s head clean off their shoulders in Jason Takes Manhattan. However, it can inform you on how your favorite horror franchises held up with all its bumps (Halloween: Resurrection), bruises (The Final Destination) and decapitating head punches. This graph sums up Jason’s head punching antics perfectly.
The point of the Movies, Films and Flix Metrics is to give you horror statistics. I wanted to know which horror franchises/remakes/sequels were the best for four reasons
- I wanted to know which horror franchises held up the best throughout their theatrical runs.
- I wanted to know if there are any horror sequels that are statistically better than the originals.
- I wanted to know which remakes were actually good.
- I wanted to know what straight to DVD franchises had the best critical/audience ratings.
I pulled together 300+ films, collected all the box office/audience/critical data I could find and handed it off to the MFF data wrangler Jeremy. In the end we have a massive data set to play around with and give the world more lists. Here is a brief(ish) explanation from Jeremy about the MFFM:
The MFF crew developed the MFFM composite metric as a way to consolidate available information on movie performance (e.g., movie critics’ review scores, box office returns) into a single, easy-to-understand score. The score can be used to objectively compare movies or movie franchises. Version 1.0 of the MFFM incorporates the following performance data: IMDB ratings, Rotten Tomatoes (RT) Critic’s Ratings, RT User Ratings, an adjusted version of Amazon user reviews, and a MFF-developed rating to describe return-on-investment (profits less budget). To get the MFFM for a given movie, we sum the individual scores and divide by the number of non-null values (i.e., missing scores don’t negatively affect the score). By aggregating MFFM scores for a group of movies, we can get an MFFM value for an entire movie franchise (or for a given director, actor, year, etc.).
Before I get into the MFFM lists I wanted to give you some information on the top rated horror remakes, sequels and franchises. These numbers haven’t been tampered with I just want people to know the facts when it comes to the highest rated franchises, sequels and remakes. I wanted to know four things.
- The top 10 critically rated franchises, sequels and remakes.
- The top 10 audience rated franchises, sequels and remakes.
- The 10 highest box office averages for franchises and the highest grossing remakes/sequels.
- The 10 best ROI averages for franchises and highest ROI for remakes/sequels.
Here are the spreadsheets for the horror franchises, sequels and remakes. I love the differences between the critic/audience ratings (audiences love the Underworld, Resident Evil and Final Destination series) and I think it has some interesting insight into the divide between critics and audiences.
Quick note: I am just sharing the information and in no way consider the Resident Evil series to be one of the best horror franchises.
.
If you are interested in the average franchise box office and critical/audience ratings from the first film to the third remake you will love the charts below! Also, if you want to know which franchises were used in the data set here they are.
Quick note: The third remake is Texas Chainsaw 3D and the Vs. movies are AVP, AVPR and Jason vs. Freddy
Here are the top horror franchises, sequels and remakes according to the MFFM!
If you want to learn more click on the lists and you will find information on the gathering/analyzing of all the data. For all the data just think Average = (IMDb user score, RT critic score, RT audience score, weighted Amazon score, domestic ROI rank value).
Top 10 Franchises (statistically speaking)
10. Halloween (50.6)
9. Saw (52)
8. Nightmare on Elm Street (52.4)
7. The Omen (52.4)
6. Psycho (54.1)
5. Scream (54.5)
4. Paranormal Activity (54.9)
3. Manhunter/Silence of the Lambs (55.2)
2. Night of the Living Dead (56.4)
And the most groovy franchise is!
The Evil Dead franchise has the highest critic (81.5)/audience (77.25) scores and it the only horror series to almost double its box office with each outing. Evil Dead 2 had a better critical score than Evil Dead (very rare) and the Evil Dead remake made the top 10 remakes list. Also, Army of Darkness has the third highest critical score (70) of any third horror film (Here are the top 10 critically rated third films).
Things I’ve learned: Pretty much every one was happy with Evil Dead winning. I did have one person saying he refused to look at the data because there is no way anything is better than Friday the 13th. I liked his candor.
.
Top 15 Sequels (statistically speaking) – I included 15 because .74 points separated 10-15
Sidenote: I am a huge fan of the Universal monster films but there is no reliable domestic box office data so I couldn’t include them in the metrics. If these lists focused only on critical/audience reception Bride of Frankenstein and Son of Frankenstein would’ve made the top five.
15. Army of Darkness (56.13)
14. Purge: Anarchy: (56.28)
13. Red Dragon (56.42)
12. The Devil’s Rejects (56.73)
11. Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (56. 78)
10. Saw 2 (56.87)
9. Paranormal Activity 2 (57.36)
8. Day of the Dead (58.34)
7. Paranormal Activity 3 (58.985)
6. Scream 2 (59.945) – My favorite horror sequel.
5. Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (64.146)
4. Evil Dead 2 (70.6) – Higher MFFM score than Evil Dead (74.03)
3. Dawn of the Dead (74.239)
And the most acid blooded and Chianti soaked sequel (s) is (are)!
There are two films because there are a lot of people who do not consider Silence of the Lambs to be a sequel .
.
Silence of the Lambs (78.8) had a massive MFFM jump from Manhunter (59.6) and it made $252,000,000 domestically. It was one point behind Aliens critic/audience score but its massive ROI (12.3) won the day. Silence and Aliens are the only two sequels to have a higher MFFM than their predecessors. Nine of the 15 films were number two in the franchises which is an interesting fact. In case you were wondering here are the top 10 critic/audience/MFFM rated number two films.
I was very happy to see Wes Craven’s New Nightmare showing up in the MFFM list. Aside from Red Dragon (4th film in series. Here are the top 10 critically rated fourth films), New Nightmare is the latest (7th) of the franchise installments to make the list.
Things I’ve learned: Silence of the Lambs is not a sequel but it is a sequel. Many people say it isn’t. Many people say it is. Also, Aliens is apparently an action sequel to a horror movie (so says the internet).
.
Top 10 Remakes (statistically speaking)
I was able to find Metacritic scores for all the remakes (except Invasion of the Body Snatchers) so I included them into the formula.
10. The Crazies (54)
9. Fright Night (54.2)
8. Evil Dead (54.6)
7. The Ring (54.9)
6. Dawn of the Dead (60)
5. Let Me In (64.3)
4. Cape Fear (65.455)
3. The Thing (68.685)
2. The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (70)
And the most arm snapping remake is…..
.
The rankings between The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Fly closely resemble the Silence of the Lambs/Aliens battle. The Thing had a higher critic/audience score but The Fly’s domestic box office success ($80,456,545) and Metacritic/RT Critic/Audience score won the day.
Things I’ve learned: Statistics or no statistics The Thing is way better than anything ever made.
.
Top 10 Theatrical/Straight to DVD Franchises
Some of these films were theatrically released but they didn’t qualify for the main lists because they didn’t have four theatrical releases. We had to depend on audience/critical scores for these franchises because box office information wasn’t available.
10. Pumpkin Head 44.3
9. Return of the Living Dead 46.7
8. Candyman 47.9
7. Feast 47.9
6. Joy Ride 48.9
5. Night of the Demons 49
4. Hatchet 49
3. Tremors 52.4
2. Cube 52.7
And the most critically/audience beloved STDVD horor franchise is…..
- Phantasm 54.9
.
Phantasm is the bomb. I love that series.
What I’ve learned: Apparently Wrong Turn 2 (72) has a better critical rating than Wrong Turn (41).
There you have it! Hopefully, these statistics have enlightened you and provided you something to debate about as Halloween nears!
Share this post:
WHAT MAKES THIS A GOOD HALLOWEEN MOVIE? Not quite as scary as it used to be but every bit as fun, Wes Craven’s original Nightmare is a creation that no horror fan should be without. It remains creepy and satisfying. Plus, all the night scenes in alleys and boiler rooms are perfect for a chilly October movie night with the lights off. MOVIES LIKE A Nightmare on Elm Street: Other classics everyone should see include Poltergeist (1982; discussed at length in our podcast #16) and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), The Hills Have Eyes series (1977). For more recent horror with a similar sense of humor try Wishmaster (1997) and Hatchet (2006).
Now over 30 years old, I think it’s safe to say this is a horror classic…and it’s a classic I still enjoy and revere. However, like many “classics,” there are aspects of this film that will disappoint horror fans reared by films of the last 10-20 years. The effects are dated (although I love these practical effects still much as I do those in The Thing and The Fly), the plot and characters are a bit hokey at times (but that’s forgivable in the horror genre), and it feels more campy by today’s standards when it felt drop dead serious at the time of its release. So I contend that it is my duty to defend the importance of the classics to our younger readers and assign some homework to those who have not yet seen the pre-remake/reboot Freddy Krueger.
This film opens with a nightmare, and an inherently creepy one at that. We are taken to a shadowy, steam-spewing boiler room where a mysterious stalker rakes his “claws” across old pipes as he slowly advances upon his prey, his dreaming victim Tina. The evil assailant swipes his claws at her and she awakens with her nightgown shredded four-fold. Rattled by the experience, Tina shares her horrible dream with her friends Rod, Nancy (Heather Langenkamp; Star Trek Into Darkness) and Glen (Johnny Depp; Tusk, Dark Shadows), who have all eerily had similar dreams about the same “clawed” killer.
Written and directed by Wes Craven (Cursed, Deadly Friend, Deadly Blessing), we are introduced to the terrifying notion that someone (or something) can hunt and kill us in our dreams…and you really die! Our killer is Fred Krueger (Robert Englund; Wishmaster, Hatchet), a demonic power with an ugly red and green sweater, a single clawed glove, and a face still-moistly burned beyond recognition. As a villain, Freddy is iconic and has graced the screen for 9 films!
This film may not have the emotional power of Poltergeist (1982; discussed at length in our podcast #16) or the blunt-force trauma holy shit factor of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), but is instead its own entirely different animal. Freddy gives us hints of a twisted sense of humor as he cuts off his fingers and slices open his own maggot and pus-filled chest or licks Nancy and laughs through a possessed phone, but (unlike many of the sequels) there is nothing slapstick or comedic about it really. He is a twisted and pure evil. It’s intended to be sick and disturbing, not funny (to anyone but Freddy, that is)—although fans laugh at it today. We find these kinds of scenes delivered with a deliberate humor in Hatchet (2006), Wishmaster (1997) and so many more releases of the past 20 years…and also blatantly more deliberate in later installments of the Nightmare on Elm Street or Leprechaun franchises.
Simply meant to be terrifying back in 1984, Freddy looks a little hokey today—in a fun way. He runs down alleys like a crab with a limp waving his glove hand in the air, he jumps atop Nancy and rolls around instead of wisely slicing at her, laughs after mutilating himself. My movie companion actually said the movie, at times, felt a little dorky. And I couldn’t agree more.
Starkly contrasting these “dorky” scenes are dream sequences with a bodybagged Tina calling for help and being dragged away through the school hallway, the boiler room scenes, the harrowingly weird death scene of Nancy’s mother towards the end, Tina’s gravity defying death scene, and Freddy’s twisted laughter in the boiler room. These scenes remain “effective” to me, but they lack the right kind of production to remain sufficiently creepy or scary today (even with all the lights off as I watch). Of course, I’m a bit numbed by the hundreds of horror films I’ve seen. Perhaps these scenes will make you all quiver a bit. If not those, then at least the little girls jumping rope while reciting Freddy’s dark nursery rhyme.
Whoa! A cool death scene in any decade.
Timelessly creepy.
Look for John Saxon (Blood Beach, Enter the Dragon) and Lin Shaye (Insidious Chapter 3, The Signal) as we watch Nancy and her friends discover what drives Fred Krueger, learn his origin, and figure out how to defeat him through a combination of booby traps and bringing Freddy from the dream world into reality. Just try to ignore the lamely written controlling nature, denial and alcoholism of Nancy’s mother. It should also be noted that as Nancy, Langenkamp (not Robert Englund) carries the film. Freddy is done well with creepy execution, but he has almost no lines and little screen presence until the end. It’s Nancy who validates our fears, rallies awareness despite her parents’ disbelief, and battles Freddy.
Without going into detail, I should add that I still enjoy ALL of the practical effects in this film. Sometimes the simplicity makes it more gross, weird, off-putting, or even a bit funny.
The ending is deliberately sort of silly and illogical. But that was and remains a fun staple of horror—twists, even if stupid, that make us smile. If there was a deliberately funny moment, it had to be the last scene with the car and Nancy’s mother being cartoon-yanked through a tiny window on the front door.
Is that prop a blow-up doll?
This is a truly fun movie experience and worth the ride, even if you laugh today in 2015 whereas others screamed back in 1984.
If you need another trusted opinion, check out this review from Rivers of Grue.
Share this post:
Okay, folks. Let me be the first to admit that I’m using the word “Satan” very loosely here to mean pretty much any devil-like character. That said, here are 12 diabolical characters that really won me over…
We also discussed the matter to metageeky ends in our Movies, Films and Flix Podcast #35 [just click to listen!]. JOIN US!!!
The man on a mission Devil.
Gabriel Byrne as Satan in End of Days (1999).
He certainly had his share of cool scenes. But does anyone remember when he walked in that restaurant and randomly made out with that woman (while groping her) in front of her date at the dinner table and she just loved it? BRO LEVEL: 1,000,000!
The best monstrous Devil.
Monstrous yet debonair, Tim Curry was remarkable as Darkness in Ridley Scott’s Legend (1985).
Now sure, he played “Darkness.” Not necessarily the Devil, or even “a” devil, but he looked very diabolical and demonic. So I chose to include him. Besides, he did some pretty evil stuff in fantasy land. He wanted unicorns dead! His minions’ actions almost inadvertently drowned Tom Cruise (as the hero Jack). He wants to end all daylight to live in darkness. And he wants to marry Jack’s girl…and she’s spoken for! Maybe committing just one of these offenses isn’t bad enough to make the “evil” list, but commit two to four of them and you’re on Santa’s naughty list forever.
The bitter ruler of Hell.
Viggo Mortenson as Lucifer in The Prophecy (1995).
Loved the way he postured himself, perched and spoke. He was a bad ass and real bad asses don’t need to tell people they’re tough. Viggo was far from a big shot back then, but he convinced me that not only he could rule Hell, but that ruling Hell was an exhausting, embittering, tolling burden that he carried.
The Devil with a soft spot in her heart…and the SEXIEST DEVIL!
Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil in Bedazzled (2000)…damn!
First things first. Hottest Devil EVER! And secondly, no offense to my English friends overseas, but I think we all pretty much knew that the Devil would be British. She grants Monkey Pawed wishes and leads Brendan Fraser one temptation at a time to near eternal damnation. When she fails to claim his soul, she’s almost struck with admiration at the selfless deed that saved him. Imagine that, a devil with a soft spot.
The peevish, Euro Devil.
Peter Stormare was delightful as Satan in Constantine (2005).
Peter Stormare (22 Jump Street, The Last Stand, Bad Boys II, 8mm) has a long history of playing Euro-trashy criminals, and I love that he basically brought the same character he always plays to his role as a barefoot, apparently hungover Satan. His Satan is impatient and he wanted Keanu Reeves to know how much he hated him and wanted his soul.
The silver-tongued Tempter of free will.
Al Pacino as John Milton (The Devil) in Devil’s Advocate (1997).
Again, Keanu Reeves is face-to-face with the Devil. And this time, the Devil has a law degree and a swanky pad overlooking Central Park. It’s hard to say no to the Devil when he offers you the dream job, the dream NYC condo, and since he’s your dad he probably won’t steal your soul. He just wants you to join the family business and be rich and overindulgent.
The old school, smooth but weird Devil.
Robert DeNiro as Louis Cyphre in Angelheart (1987). Smoothest, yet suuuuper creepy! I like what they did with his fingernails.
The soul collector coming to collect.
The Devil from Devil (2010) was as malevolent as devils get. Like a cat pawing at its crippled rodent fare, he toys with his souls to take as their sins are revealed to us. When I first saw this film I was guessing all over the place at the identity of the Devil. We got a nice surprise!
The Devil with the best eye for a cruel pineapple.
Harvey Keitel as “Dad” in Little Nicky (2000). Harvey wasn’t actually THE Devil in this (Rodney Dangerfield was Lucifer), but he owned his silly role.
So Hitler enters Keitel-Devil’s office in a French maid outfit and goes to a closet of pineapples and picks out a small one.
Keitel-Devil looks at him and say “mm-mmmm” shaking his head no. So Hitler picks another.
After Hitler picks a huge pineapple, we learn that it is to be shoved up his butt!
The most absolutely evil thing in Hell…with a phallic tentacle attached to his head.
Kenneth Cranham as the brand new Cenobite from Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988).
Now, Leviathan (see below) is the true God of Hell in Clive Barker’s books and movies. However, we never really “see” Leviathan outside of its/his giant floating cube form. So instead I’m showcasing the toughest Cenobite ever; the one that took on Pinhead, Butterball, Female and Chatterer all at the same time. This Cenobite seemed special, though, for reasons beyond his toughness. He had a tentacle (like a giant leech with a blender-mouth biting his head) that reached up into the sky and propelled him around. Was this Leviathan puppeteering him?
The most lecherous Devil.
Jack Nicholson as Daryl van Horne in The Witches of Eastwick (1987) was a sex-hungry delight. And my, did he have good taste. Susan Sarandon, Michelle Pfeiffer and Cher in her prime? Yeah. He clearly knows how to talk to a lady. He managed to womanize and have the women like it…that is, until they realized what he was doing.
Then the girls got revenge and the real Jack came out to play.
The least Devil-like Devil.
The giant silver diamond emitting a black beam known as Leviathan from Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988).
This thing is the God of Hell in Clive Barker’s world. Hmmm…don’t know what to say about this. Cool idea, though. It is completely inhuman, even inhumanoid, and quite menacing.
Share this post:
Cop Car: The Best Thriller of 2015
.
Cop Car is fantastic thriller that looks beautiful and boasts a fantastic bad guy turn by Kevin Bacon. I’m happy director Jon Watts is doing the next Spider Man but I would’ve loved another white knuckle thriller from him. This movie could’ve easily gone into Tarantino land but instead becomes something very original. There is zero fat to the 86 minute film yet it always feels patient. The Colorado vistas speak for themselves and the isolation aids to the overall hopelessness. Cop Car is a fantastic hybrid of cartoon, thriller and coming of age movie. I would place it alongside Blue Ruin, Headhunters and Slow West as my favorite thrillers of this decade so far.
.
The premise is simple. Two young kids steal a cop car and the cop attempts to chase them down. However, everything gets messy and it is all very nerve wracking. I appreciated how the kids weren’t precocious little punks and instead proved to be every ounce of their ten years. Their shenanigans had me cringing with dread and I can’t believe it went down the way it did. Cop Car follows a very odd structure in that you have no clue where it is going. When a movie surprises me I know it has done a great job.
I also loved how the expository dialogue was nonexistent. We learn about the characters as events unfold and it always keeps us in the moment. We watch as they figure out what they are going to do and then they execute their hasty plan. There isn’t much time for thought because everything is urgent and action is required. The camera is voyeuristic and that makes for a very stressful and occasionally funny experience. I never thought I’d be so tense watching Kevin Bacon attempting to unlock a car door with a shoe string. I love what Watts had to say about why Bacon took the role.
I think he said when he read it, he just completely saw the character and he was excited about the idea of creating a character with everything else, not with dialogue, but with his physicality, with his wardrobe, with the art direction of his house and his truck and things like that, you know, the way he moves. Because essentially everything he says is a lie. Almost every line he has until really the very end is some sort of bullsh*t. We don’t explain anything about how he got there and how he’s gotten himself into this situation, so it’s like a very visual performance, a very physical performance. He’s amazing and I think he was really excited about that opportunity.
The MVP of Cop Car is Shea Whigham (Take Shelter, Fast & Furious, All the Real Girls, American Hustle). I won’t spoil how he is introduced but the movie becomes pretty awesome when he becomes a player. His monologue to the boys is a thing of terrible glory and murderous threats. He is always good in everything he does and he almost steals the spotlight from an A+ Kevin Bacon. If you are ever looking for a supporting player to add some menace just go ahead and cast the guy. He has never disappointed.
If you are looking for a lean and mean thriller it doesn’t get any better than Cop Car. It is a fantastic calling card for Jon Watts and you can tell Kevin Bacon loves every second of his villainous role.
Share this post:
The MFF Podcast #31: A Scream on Elm Street
You can download the pod on Itunes or head over to Blog Talk Radio to stream it. If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
SUMMARY: This week the MFF crew discusses the Scream and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises, the best season for horror movies, and the best horror sequels and franchises!
We also answer such important questions as…
“Would a Sith Lord with a crotch blaster (think Tom Savini of From Dusk ’til Dawn) have an advantage?”
“How do we use Return on Investment to judge a horror franchise?”
“What is the best time of year for horror movies?”
“Why is Michael Myers’ mask called The Shape?”
“Why was Ghostface so clumsy?”
Sit back, relax and listen to three guys discuss the legacy of Wes Craven.
You can listen to the pod on Blog Talk Radio or head over Itunes so you can download, rate, review and share. Thanks!
Share this post:
15 Days until Halloween! October Suggestion #3: An American Werewolf in London (1981), the greatest werewolf movie of all time!
WHAT MAKES THIS A GOOD HALLOWEEN MOVIE? It’s Halloween! And when we think of Halloween we often think of the classic monsters: Dracula, the Mummy, Frankenstein’s Monster and, of course, the Wolf Man! Well, if you’re in the market for a great werewolf movie that has a dark sense of humor, a wicked transformation scene and loads of brutal gore, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made! [A+] IF YOU LIKE WEREWOLF MOVIES THEN WATCH: Second best might be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously. Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks. Ginger Snaps (2000) is a metaphor for puberty, Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004) is a worthy sequel that takes a strange turn, and An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) serves as a coming of manhood from college man-childhood–but it’s more of a positive journey. If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987). But skip Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988), Howling V: The Rebirth (1989), Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) and The Howling: Reborn (2011).
Steering clear of formulaic horror movie plot clichés, An American Werewolf in London avoids immature promiscuous summer campers and delinquent drug-using twenty-somethings with loose morals as we are introduced to our protagonists David (David Naughton; Ice Cream Man, Big Bad Wolf) and Jack (Griffin Dunne; 40 Days and 40 Nights). Yes, they’re twenty-somethings. And yes, they have their quippy repartees. But their immaturity is no more than an otherwise responsible pair of men enjoying a night of manhood away from the wife and kids. They’re actually somewhat mature when things aren’t crazy.
Oh, yes! Let’s stop there for a drink. That’s a great idea!
They unintentionally make their way to The Slaughtered Lamb Pub, a northern Englishman’s locals-only sort of place adorned with a pentacle on the wall. They are a backwoodsy, superstitious and secretive lot. More fearful of the locals than anything they could encounter among the full moon, dreary weather and local fauna, they flee into the wilderness to be met with some sort of animal attack. David in injured by this “animal.”
During his recovery David dreams about some in-the-buff jaunts in the forest followed by some very disturbing visions of evil “werewolf soldiers.” As clearly indicated by the movie’s title, this recovery occurs in London, he occasionally turns into a werewolf and people get eaten. David’s lovely nurse Alex (Jenny Agutter; Logan’s Run, Child’s Play 2) takes a shining to him and invites him to stay with her.
While David lives with the curse of lycanthropy, his victims are also cursed. These now undead victims appear before David, flayed and gory, and serve as an “everything you ever wanted to know about werewolves, full moons and lycanthropy” guide. As we see David’s undead victims throughout the film their level of decomposition advances and you can’t help but to smile when they point that out. Great make-up, by the way! Sprinkling more comedic charm on this gory horror are the sharp-tongued jokes and off color behavior of David’s haunters.
The transformation scenes are really something. We see his hands slowly elongate and HEAR his bones and tendons stretching, giving root to the maddening pain he seems to be going through–shit, I almost FELT it myself. So then, when his vertebrae elevate, his shoulder blades protrude and his skull begins to elongate you predict more pain as if you were watching someone brace themselves before resetting your dislocated shoulder. His nudity during this scene properly conveys his vulnerability and you genuinely feel sympathy for all of his suffering. All the while, some ironically pleasant music is playing in the background on Alex’s record player in her kitschy living room.
Fully transformed, he looks like a wolf after an “evil” HGH binge on chest and arms day. But not so much like a wolf-man. This is a nice change of pace even when compared to today’s werewolves in which our shapeshifters become regular-sized normal looking wolves (e.g., Hemlock Grove), giant normal looking wolves (e.g., the Twilight Saga, Red Riding Hood), wolves from a twisted R-rated Alice in Wonderland (e.g., Ginger Snaps), classic wolfmen (e.g., The Wolfman, Wolf, Teen Wolf), the wolfman on steroids (e.g., Van Helsing, Cursed) or the reversed man-wolf (e.g., the Underworld series, Being Human, An American Werewolf in Paris).
Writer/director John Landis is epic in comedy–having brought us Animal House (1978), The Blues Brothers (1979), Trading Places (1983) and Coming to America (1986) to name a few–and he’s even had other successful forays in a least semi-humorous or satirical horror (e.g., The Twilight Zone movie, Innocent Blood), but I find it stunning that he was responsible for the greatest werewolf movie of all time! And this is hardly just my opinion. While some favor The Howling (1981) or Ginger Snaps (2000), online lists tend to include London in the top five or six (if not #1) more than any other.
The Undying Monster (1942)
The story is good, but clearly not without some forgivable issues. What made this movie truly great was Landis’ ability to be brilliantly funny at times, while keeping a straight, serious, even brutal tone during the violent, rending scenes, the wincing transformation and the final scene with nurse Alex and David such that I wouldn’t dare call this a straight up horror-comedy or a satire; simply a great, very serious werewolf movie that also happens to be often funny when things aren’t dire.
It doesn’t matter how old you are. The effects truly hold up and stand the test of time so don’t worry that the lack of CGI will make it uncool. Just see it!!!
Share this post:
1. Why even call the movie Southpaw (2015)?
Given the title, I expected I was going to see the struggling story of a southpaw (i.e., left-handed) boxer. Instead, I saw a boxer who was already at the top crumble into the shambles of his family life after the death of his wife and separation from his child. Now that’s fine. I’d still go see that film, especially with Jake Gyllenhaal (Prisoners, Nightcrawler) playing the tortured boxer. But I have to ask this…why call it Southpaw if the boxer is right-handed?
Here the filmmakers/writers thought they were being clever as our boxer’s trainer (Forest Whitaker) teaches him to switch to a right jab left hook combination (opposite of that typically thrown by a righty). This occupies about 90 seconds of a training scene, Whitaker yelling from outside the right “go southpaw” a few times in the final round of the finale fight, and a single punch that we could barely see and would never realize was significant (being thrown lefty) without all the yelling. We talk about this in The MFF Podcast #25: The MFF Random Awards of Summer 2015, for which it won “Most Misleading Title.”
Did I like Southpaw? Yes. Was it as great as I had hoped. Far from it. After the opening fight and VERY POWERFUL emotional scene following the fight, things were really just “good” if that.
2. Did we really need another Human Centipede movie?
No. The answer is a hard no. Was there once a “need” for an ass-to-mouth horror movie? I guess. Did Tom Sixx fill that niche? Absolutely. Was there a need for a second? Nope. But Tom Sixx did it anyway. At this point I feel the need to identify that there should be a limit to the number of ass-to-mouth films that any one person is allowed to make. I have set that limit to TWO! Tom Sixx, you are in violation of this rule. When filmmakers push the envelope, test limits and do that which no one before them has done, we often call it art. But when filmmakers push the envelope and then shove the contents of the envelope down your throat, it often loses its luster and shifts to an altogether different genre. In horror, disturbing art joins the likes of Martyrs (2008), whereas the overkill gets sorted into a pile of shocky-schlocky exploitation movies. In a recent podcast episode (The MFF Podcast #11: Sexually Transmitted Demons and Human Centipedes) we had a discussion about the line between such “art” and crap.
Yeah….I’m somewhat hesitant to call it art. To quote my podcasting comrade, John Lasavath: “There’s a good chance this movie wasn’t made for you.”
3. Why is it that A Most Violent Year (2015) wasn’t very violent at all?
There was some violence, but nothing special and certainly nothing that made me wince. Now Goodfellas (1990) had some violence; more than A Most Violent Year. Perhaps we should name 1990 as a most violent year. What about Eastern Promises (2007) or a History of Violence (2005)? Both more violent. Loads of movies were more violent than the one film with “most violent” in the title! SMH
If we were to pick a single actor, say Arnold Schwarzenegger, we could find a more violent year than a Most Violent Year. In 1984 Arnie did Conan the Destroyer and The Terminator. Definitely a “more violent year.” In 1987 he did The Running Man and Predator. Also a more violent year; and with the violence taking place in the timeframe/setting of either movie clearly exceeding that of A Most Violent Year. In fact, any year with an Arnold movie is indicative of more violence than the violence of A Most Violent Year.
Look, it was a good film. I just strongly feel it should have had a very different title.
4. Is The Martian (2015) Matt Damon’s redemption for Interstellar (2014)?
I remember seeing Interstellar (2014) and thinking “Oh my God, that’s Matt Damon in that sleeping pod!?!” I was wondering why oh why they wouldn’t put a glimmer of him in the trailer and why this was basically kept a secret from the everyday moviegoer. But as I continued to watch and his character’s space madness and isolation-induced desperation was revealed, I was disgusted. Make no mistake, Damon did a GREAT JOB with his Interstellar role. It’s just that we were meant to hate his character, and he played his character well–so I hated him a lot. After so often seeing him as the hero this was very clever from a filmmaking perspective.
But now Damon is getting another shot at being all alone on a planet for an extended period of time. He better not get space madness again! I hope he keeps a good attitude as he “sciences the shit” out of Mars and brings me the feel-good inspiration I felt with Apollo 13 (1995). But, now having seen it, I can comfortably say that everything about the Martian was AMAZING! The acting, script, effects, characters, story….everything.
5. What possessed the doll in Annabelle (2014)?
The story is very simple. A young soon-to-be doctor gets his pregnant wife a gift, an antique style doll for her collection. She adores it. After some random cultists randomly choose their home to invade the police dispatch the murderous satanic cultist assailants, the blood of a dying cultist coming in contact with the Annabelle doll and presumably completing some ritual opening a gateway for some other-worldly demonic spirit to possess the doll and use it as a conduit on its soul-procuring mission. Later in the movie we see the ghost of the dead cultist lady haunting our protagonists. But we also learn that the doll wants only what it “never had” and can only be given of free will: a soul. But if it never had a soul, then Annabelle is possessed by an other-worldly demon and not the ghost of a cultist. So WTF is going on in this movie!?!?!?!?!?!
6. How many times are we going to recreate the exact same scene? The Poltergeist (2015) remake suggests at least 3.
Jenga! The original Poltergeist boasted a startling scene in which the haunters stack things in the kitchen. It sounds overly simple, but it was very effective and was delivered cleverly masked beneath Carol Ann’s playful connection to the spirits early in the story. Rather than reproduce this, the 2015 remake decided to impossibly stack comic books to barricade the young boy from escape. I can offer no more elaborate opinion than to simply say: it was dumb.
2015 tried to get needlessly clever with this scene. I’d say it backfired. This image has no place in this or any movie.
1982…perfect. It made an unscary scene startling while demonstrating Carol Ann’s sensitivity to the spirits.
It was copycatted much better by Dark Skies (2013).
If you want to hear more about the remake, check out The MFF Podcast #16: Mad Max Fury Road and Poltergeist 1982 vs. 2015. We discuss the faults of the remake to no end!
7. When they shoot the It Follows (2015) ghost in the head and temporarily “kill it” why does it come back and why on Earth were they able to “kill it” temporarily in the first place?
Nope. Nope. Nope. There is no good reason. None.
Some questions in this world will never go answered. That little story nugget did nothing for the plot but make us question its legitimacy. That said, the film was overall GREAT and we praise it across the board in The MFF Podcast #11: Sexually Transmitted Demons and Human Centipedes.
8. How is it that Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) was not the sexiest or even BDSM-est movie of the year?
Don’t be curious. The movie isn’t worth it.
I went in expecting something fun and walked out having endured an utter cinematic failure. The romantic comedy (slash sex thriller) Exit to Eden (1994) had better nudity, BDSM attire, toys and even better dirty talk than Grey! Considering that Exit to Eden (1994) starred Rosie O’Donnell and Dan Aykroyd, I’m gonna’ go ahead and say that’s pretty damning for Grey.
But then it occurred to me. The dialogue, as inanely unrealistic as it is, fits perfectly to what I have realized to be the target demographic for this film: young adults. And I’m stressing the word young here because the ins and outs of BDSM are explained as one would to a child…as if Dora the Explorer had stumbled across a “flogger” and a ballgag and then engaged in an educational repartee with stubby infant Grey. It all seemed very UNcomplex, UNintense, UNnaughty, and one-dimensional; more like Three Shades of Grey. The other Forty-Seven Shades, and many more in your 264 count Crayola pack, can be found in Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac (2013) films. Now THAT film tested limits. Whereas Grey’s almost saccharinely sensitive sex scenes were about as intense as Leo DiCaprio’s lovemaking in Romeo & Juliet (1996), Nymphomaniac truly tested limits. They claimed that they toned down Grey’s the sex scenes to appease the MPAA rating board. But I’m calling bullshit on that one. In terms of ratings-testing sex, this film was a step above Pixar films. Any drinking, drug-using teen having premarital sex in a horror movie is having raunchier sex than anything you’ll find here. We get deep into this in our MFF Podcast Episode #8.
A line in the theme song “Love Me Like You Do” includes a common line “what are you waiting foooooor….?” I was thinking this every time Grey was talking about his dungeon–or, as they called it in this dumbed down Saturday Cartoon of a bondage story, his “play room.”
Sex in the woods while in the middle of investigating some weird noises in the middle of the night? Yes. Steamier than anything in Fifty Shades of Grey.
Dorian and Anastasia’s romance were no more risqué than any sex scene between Jean-Claude Van Damme or Sly Stallone and their action movie love interest, and it tested fewer awkward sexual limits than an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants.
If you came for “sexy” then you’re in the wrong theater and I’d redirect you to almost any episode of Game of Thrones.
Share this post:
Hello all. Mark here.
The world is rife with remakes, remakes of remakes and more remakes. We can’t escape the remake so we might as well embrace the good ones. Historically it is a real pain in the ass to remake something successfully. You have zero chance of recreating the personality of the original so you just have to make things shinier or market the heck out of a shirtless Ryan Reynolds.
.
Over the last couple weeks I’ve unleashed posts about the statistically best horror franchises and sequels. Basically, I collected a ton of data and my number crunching cousin Jeremy devised the Movies, Films and Flix Metric system. In the MFFM system we break down critic/audience data and box office numbers to figure out what is the best of horror. It has been fun to do because the results aren’t based on opinion or whimsy. The lists are backed by numbers and don’t change everyday like my favorite horror films do (Descent or 28 Days Later…or Drag Me To Hell! Wait, what about Thirst?).
The following numbers were figured out like this: MFFM = Average (IMDb User Score, RT Crtic/Audience Score, Metacrtic Critic/User Scores, Amazon User Weighted Score and ROI Rank Value). If you are interested in the data make sure to read Jeremy’s breakdown.
Here are the top 10 remakes according to the MFFM!
10. The Crazies (54)
9. Fright Night (54.2)
8. Evil Dead (54.6)
7. The Ring (54.9)
6. Dawn of the Dead (60)
5. Let Me In (64.3)
4. Cape Fear (65.455)
3. The Thing (68.685)
2. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (70)
- The Fly (70.156)
The top three are self-explanatory because The Fly, Invasion and The Thing are awesome. John Carpenter and David Cronenberg are masters of genre film making and they’ve found ways to scare, excite and make blood flow for decades. What got The Fly to #1 is its higher ROI (2.5 > .3) and the fact that it made money at the domestic box office ($80,456,000). Another positive is The Fly remake had an MFFM score of 70,156 whereas The original Fly had a score of 63.54. There are only five remakes that had higher MFFM scores than their predecessors and The Fly, The Thing, Cape Fear, The Crazies and Let Me In all made the top 10.
I love practical effects.
The Thing is a perfect horror film. The practical effects make it timeless and it achieves a paranoid atmosphere that most movies could never match. It had a higher critic/audience score (84.6) than The Fly (82.6) but its initial box office wasn’t stellar ($19,782,100) so it had to settle with #2. This hat is #1 though.
.
What made me happy was seeing the Fright Night and Crazies remakes in the top ten. They are fun recreations that give us something different while allowing the game cast to be awesome. I loved David Tennant in the Fright Night remake and Anton Yelchin and Imogen Poots have chemistry for days. It is a breezy little thing that is more fun than it has any right to be. Did I mention that David Tennant is awesome?
.
I am a big fan Breck Eisner’s Crazies remake. It was done on the cheap and features very good performances from Timothy Olyphant and Radha Mitchell (you gotta watch Rogue). What made me like the movie even more is the fantastic DVD commentary that Eisner does. He breaks down the film intelligently and proves there was talent behind the camera.
It isn’t a surprise but I’m glad the Dawn of the Dead remake is still going strong. It is the rare film that keeps the original idea and turns everything up to 11. Gone is the social commentary and what we get is a devilishly soundtracked film that moves fast and kills many. I don’t mind style over substance when the style is confidently made. I was also happy to see the Evil Dead and The Ring remakes featured on the lists. They are well made movies and The Ring was voted #11 on our 21 best horror films of the 21st century poll.
Check back in next week when I do a full recap of all the MFFM statistics. You will love it!
Share this post:
Ever since George Romero revolutionized the zombie film the world has been obsessed with undead mayhem. We’ve been inundated with books, comics, movies, remakes, sequels, toys, comedies, romances and spin-offs. We’ve witnessed every variation of the undead creature and we’ve watched it be killed in thousands of squishy ways.
The one thing I’ve found fascinating about zombie films are the survivors. I’m not sure how they did it (screenwriting I suppose) but I am impressed by their desire to not die violently. Every survivor has had a different journey and if they combined their zombie crunching skills they would be unstoppable. The following list compiles my favorite cinematic survivors. They will have zero problems when they are eventually outnumbered and left in a world without Twinkies.
Tallahassee – Zombieland
He loves Bill Murray, hates zombies and looks great in a hat. He is the loose canon with a heart of gold that every crew needs.
.
Kenneth – Dawn of the Dead
If a zombie outbreak happened and I saw Kenneth walking around I would follow him. He commands respect without being a jerk and still has a sense of humor. You have to appreciate a man who loses at chess so he can give the man stranded across the street something to do.
.
Selena – 28 Days Later
She survived the initial outbreak of rage infested zombies! What? How? When? Awesome! Then, she hung around and fought them. They don’t get tougher than that. Danny Boyle’s “zombies” are the scariest of all the zombies and they couldn’t get her.
.
Shaun – Shaun of the Dead
Every crew needs the comedic relief. Also, he does a great zombie walk and would be a laugh to drink with.
.
Gerry – World War Z
He is the ultimate survivor. No other person in the history of the world has survived outbreaks, swarms, plane crashes and weird chomping zombies. Plus, he will test diseases/drugs/cures on himself to save the world.
.
Cherry Darling – Planet Terror
Every crew needs an unkillable stripper with a heart of gold. When most people lose a leg in a zombie wasteland they become instant zombie bait or fall into a deep depression (zero proof, but it seems imaginable). Instead of quitting Cherry strapped a gun to her leg and laid waste to the deadly creatures.
.
Julie – Warm Bodies
Not only can she survive but she can turn zombies human again. Every crew needs a shotgun toting killer who could potentially cure the world.
.
David and Judy – The Crazies
Smart, resourceful and survive anything thrown at them. The Crazies is an underrated remake and David and Judy simply wouldn’t go down in all the craziness.
.
Red – Dead Snow/Dead Snow 2
He has a zombie hand that can dismember, decapitate and annihilate Nazi zombies. He can raise rival armies and has no problem sprinting head long into chaos. You need that.
.
Lionel – Dead Alive
Lionel kills dozens of zombies with a lawnmower. Need I say more?
What zombie survivors would you pick? Let me know. Comment!
Movies, Films & Flix 
