Berberian Sound Studio: Film School For Cinephiles
Berberian Sound Studio tells the story of an introverted British sound engineer who travels to Italy to work on a shlocky Giallo horror film. He stabs cabbage, smooshes melons and begins to blend fact with fiction while in the post-production phase of the bloody horror film.
Berberian is a film for movie lovers that plays like an anti-horror study in sound. Casual horror fiends will lose their patience while cinephiles will be spellbound. Berberian shares the secret of the foley trade and examines the recording process of Italian B-movies. Easy it ain’t. However, it is richly rewarding for fans of horror (co-writer John loves his horror and he has several reviews about Lucio Fulci and Co. Check them out).
Toby Jones is the unlucky man sent to the Italian sound studio where the men are macho, pay is hard to come by and women are either rude or objectified. He spends his days and nights recording various sounds and adding some class to a classless picture. He can’t bring himself to kill a spider so the death toll of the film “The Equestrian Vortex” weighs heavily on his body and mind. He spends most of his time alone and doesn’t speak Italian so his loneliness starts wreaking havoc on his already fragile psyche.
Berberian is all about the look, ambiance and Giallo creation. The dark colors and quiet moments are interrupted by dubbed screams and the bright explosion of watermelons. It is an analog lover’s dream as knobs are turned, sound is adjusted and miles of tape flow through the recorders. I’d imagine that endless research was done in order to capture the old school trade. The production design is beautiful and adds a layer of dread atop the believable mechanics (there is zero arbitrary turning of knobs in this film).
There is a moment that I absolutely loved. While waiting for the power to come back on the bored crew asks Jones to create the sound of a UFO via a lightbulb and wire brush. The audience loves the demonstration and ask him to recreate the sound of bats. He pulls out a piece of lettuce (or cabbage) and is about to break into it when the lights come back on. The aura is lost and the audience walks away while he holds the lettuce. The moment shows how powerful the fakery of cinema is. When the lights turn off the audience becomes willingly captive and entranced at the proceedings. However, when the lights turn back on, the real world returns and everyone goes about their jobs.
Berberian Sound Studio is an odd film. However, it features wonderful set design, fantastic performances and teaches us a thing or two about movie creation. Turn off the lights, hide your cell phone and immerse yourself in the sights and sounds.
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Man of Tai Chi: Reeves of Fury
Man of Tai Chi is a straight forward butt-kicker that brings the pain and allows Keanu Reeves to relax on screen. It is an absolute joy as it navigates wonky plotting, face kicks and 40 minutes of fighting. Man of Tai Chi is a throwback fight film that questions corruption and features a maniacal villain who has his own lair and all black attire.
Keanu Reeves made this film for his friend Tiger Chen whom he worked with on The Matrix sequels. He studied the Chinese culture and worked meticulously to give his leading man the best choreography possible. Reeves enlisted Yeun Woo-Ping (The Matrix) to choreograph the fights and it shows during the brawls. Tiger fights his way through many styles and each battle has a different personality. I love how Tai Chi has been re-imagined as force of pain and it’s glorious to watch as Tiger uses it against his many foes.
The characterization is never deep but I dug how Reeves opened the film following Tiger through his average day. You get a feel for Hong Kong daily life and it establishes the personality of the lead character. He teaches himself English, works a nine-to-five job and enjoys dinners with his family. Tiger is also a Tai Chi practitioner who has trouble embracing the soft/defensive side of the discipline. His teacher senses he wants to go hard and this leads to some pretty amazing Tai Chi skirmishes between contrasting sides of the discipline (think Jake LaMotta’s bully style vs. Floyd Mayweather and his counter punching)
Keanu Reeves plays Donaka Mark (great villain name). Donka is a rich business man who notices Tiger and brings him into his world of underground fighting. Of course, it leads down a rabbit hole of money, crime, face punches and anger.
The movie builds to a bravura battle between Chen and Reeves. Reeves and his 6’1 frame stand tall over Chen and the two engage in a spirited hard nosed brawl. It feels like you are back in The Matrix as the camera lingers on the fight. The two contrasting styles mix well and the two give everything they’ve got. I wondered why Keanu’s style was so stiff but this quote from Tiger answered that question.
Well, for real, he is stronger than me. He’s bigger than me and has arms longer than me, especially legs much longer than me. Yes, he’s more powerful than me. Master Woo-ping tried to make him like hard style, very strong, stiff but lots of power.
I loved watching Keanu in this film. He was able to cut loose and enjoy being the bad guy. His Bond-like villain is the all seeing baddie who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty. His character is a complete 180 degree flip from his stoic bore in 47 Ronin. He yells with rage, punches with aplomb and has a sweet pad.
Man of Tai Chi is a throwback film that simply wants to entertain. It is Keanu bringing us the goods, and he has succeeded. The fight scenes are well choreographed and my only complaint is that Iko Uwais didn’t get enough screen time . The camera moves with the action and I enjoyed watching fights that don’t cut to something different every 1/20th of a second.
Man of Tai Chi is pure cinema. It is an incorruptible piece of work much like its lead character. The movie has flaws but was never meant to be perfect. I can’t wait to see what Reeves does next.
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Cockneys vs Zombies: Dawn of the Eastenders
Cockneys vs. Zombies tells the age old story of east Londoners vs. zombies. It is a relaxed breath of fresh air that allows the cast to crack wise while figuring out how to kill a zombie with a metal plate in its head. CvZ is a neat entry to the zombie canon that proves soccer hooligans will still fight when they are dead.
Cockneys vs. Zombies centers around two ne’er-do-well who are trying to save a retirement home from a bunch of Condo loving “yuppie twats.” However, as they are robbing a bank the outbreak occurs and zombie babies started getting punted (into anti-violence signs). The story splits between the old folks home where the pensioners gamely battle the undead and the group of bank robbers trying rescue the geriatrics.
It is a blast watching Pussy Galore shoot zombies while Brick Top from Snatch snarls, barks and shows his age. The old folks are down for the violence and they make many zombie heads explode.
The final showdown features head getting smooshed via fake legs and quite possibly the longest/slowest foot chase in history. It is a hilarious watching Hector from Monarch of the Glen sneak away from the zombie hoard.
Cockneys vs. Zombies simply wants to be entertaining. It wears its cheekiness on its sleeve and asks for a little bit of attention. If you are a zombie completest and are looking for a pleasant (albeit bloody) distraction CvZ is for you.
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In a World…Where Likable Characters Exist
There is a moment during In a World where Dimitri Martin jumps up and down and makes exaggerated noises in order to get Lake Bell’s attention. At first it seems unnecessarily quirky but it actually becomes endearing. The back story behind the jumping is grounded in truth because he used that technique to help his mother who had ADHD. It is an off-kilter move that works and impresses because it gives insight into a character via actions and not telling dialogue. That scene is In a World in a nutshell. It is nice, off-kilter and can be described with the word “rollicking.”
Lake Bell’s cinematic directorial debut is a well thought out film that juggles many subplots and never drops the ball. The key to the film is the niceness. Everybody is likable and there are reasons for their insecurities and annoyances. For instance, the characters aren’t simply dumb, brave, sexy, gawky, smart, sensitive, oblivious or talented. They can be all of those things and the character dimensions allow the film to grow on you.
The eccentricities can be overlooked because this was Bell’s freshmen outing. For instance, there is a subplot involving adultery between Rob Corddry and Michaela Watkins. The married couple has a comfortable life that is rocked by infidelity. The whole thing happens quick and resolved quicker. The performances are strong as Watkins nails her scenes and Corddry has never been more affable. The two have a laid back sincerity that carries them through the ordeal. It is hard to think of an infidelity subplot that has been more likable.
Lake Bell has had an interesting career path. Her roles have ranged from television star (Surface, Boston Legal), supporting player (It’s Complicated, What Happens in Vegas), lead romantic interest (Over Her Dead Body) and now intelligent goofball (Children’s Hospital). Bell captured my attention in No Strings Attached. It is an odd movie that worked because it is so bonkers. It features Natalie Portman yelling about pumpkins, Kevin Kline drinking sizzurp, Jake Johnson talking about porn and Lake Bell being really really weird. I can’t explain her character. Somehow, she worked her way up to being an assistant director on a popular television show without being cynical, jaded and more cynical (most of the ADs I know). She was odd/funny and I realized there was more to the actress than what we had seen in prior roles.
Bell’s confident work as writer, director and actor on In a World has produced a film that has a message without being pushy (She made a run at voice work early in her career). It is quirky without going full quirk (noses are kissed). There are three-dimensions to the characters (sandwich bar) and you can tell much thought was given into providing everyone with their moments (sandwich bar again). It is obvious she was ready to shoot the film and was fortunate enough to have friends and former costars with her (Rob Corddry, Cameron Diaz, Eva Longoria, Ken Marino, Nick Offerman).
In a World is an engaging film that will be a perfect springboard for Bell. It covers new territory and proves she has a keen eye for character. I’m stoked to see the follow-up and waiting for the day Cameron Diaz leads a pack of Amazonians into battle.
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My Favorite Performances of 2013 and The Hobbit
As Oscar season approaches the nominated few will be getting tons of praise and press. However, many fantastic movies and performances will be forgotten or ignored.
I wanted to write a post about underappreciated performances but there are hundreds of those. So, I decided to do something fun and in the same vein as Desert Island Movies or Best Worst Villains in Horror Films. In true MFF style I’ve compiled a list of my favorite performances of 2013 and transported them into the land of The Hobbit. It is a random idea that started with the visual of Alien from Springbreakers traversing middle earth with surly dwarves.
Here are the 15 characters who will take the place of the 13 dwarves, Bilbo and Gandalf. Imagine this crew traversing Middle Earth to fight Smaug.
Niki Lauda – Rush
Tactical, Austrian and driven. While members of the crew are drinking ale he will be studying the Lonely Mountain map looking for a better path. His brusqueness will play well with the other characters and he will undoubtedly critique the eagles flying techniques. Also, he will be unbeatable in the barrels.
Llewyn Davis – Inside Llewyn Davis
Grumpy, underachieving and moviegoers won’t complain as much when he sings. He will be a perfect substitute for Bilbo and will most likely call Smaug a sell out for claiming all the gold.
Alien – Springbreakers
Alien just wants to collect a lot of sh$t. So, he will have no problem traveling middle earth for literally billions of pieces of sh$t. Also, I’d like to see him interact with the rest of the crew. Imagine him playing a game of riddles with Gollum!
Owen – The Way, Way Back
He will be the most chill, relaxed and friendly person to ever lead a quest. He knows all about not letting people pass (Steve Carrell) and will be a fantastic mentor, leader and dance instructor. He will fill the Gandalf shoes and throw great parties.
Muse – Captain Phillips
Every crew needs a pirate who can do a lot with little. Muse was a three-dimensional character who could hold his own, stay positive and lead a small crew. While the team is stuck in trees surrounded by Wargs I guarantee he will say “everything will be alright.”
Segen – World War Z
She gets her hand cut off, escapes multiple zombie riots and survives a plane crash. Also, she is loyal, all business and helps find a cure to a zombie apocalypse. World War Z was a total surprise and her character was one of the many cool aspects of the film.
Roman and Brian – Fast Six
In Fast Six they take out a tank with classic cars and strategic jumping. The duo have a well-worn relationship and are basically brothers who always manage to land on their feet. Their ingenuity in tight spots will help the crew and I’m certain they will pickup equestrian skills quickly. The only downfall is Roman’s love of vending machine food.
Gary – The World’s End
He is a fireball of manic energy who will undoubtedly annoy everyone. However, he fights bravely and isn’t afraid of large mystical voices. I’d love to see him argue with Sauron. The Eye may see all, but, it won’t expect the verbal lambasting from Gary.
Gretel – Hansel and Gretel
Hansel and Gretel was an odd film that I was able to roll with. It was bloody, cheeky and didn’t take itself seriously. Gretel proved herself to be a tough warrior who doesn’t shy away from swearing, decapitating and pleather pants. She can do all of Tauriel’s killing and won’t be afraid of the various necromancers and trolls running amok in Middle Earth.
Julian – Only God Forgives
Every crew needs a quiet/well quaffed person who wants to get away from his family. He is down to fight and doesn’t shy away from mythical killers who beat the snot out of him. I want to see him walk up to Azog and say “Wanna fight.” It will end badly. However, it will motivate everyone else during the battle of five armies.
Loki – Prisoners
My favorite character of 2013. Loki is a driven detective who will have no problem finding the Arkenstone. He has dealt with the dredges of humanity and will keep his patience while trying to find secret entrances along huge mountains. This character needs more credit. Let him take out Smaug!
Sutter Keely- Spectacular Now
Everybody likes Sutter Keely. There is a moment in Spectacular Now when a man much larger than Keely threatens violence and the two eventually leave friends. You need a guy like this on long journeys because he will keep the mood light and be a friend to the dour Llewyn Davis. Also, he could easily sway the spiders to join the good side via liqour, music and charm.
M – Warm Bodies
He may not be the hero but M is the ultimate wing man. He protects his buddy, doesn’t talk much and is able to rally an army of the undead to battle things that are more undead. He will be perfect to have on the quest because he blends into the background and throws down when needed.
Erin Harson – You’re Next
Erin is a badass in You’re Next. She is resourceful, tough and extreme when it comes to killing the bad guys. She does well when outnumbered, which is a good trait when surrounded by gross little goblins.
There it is! Hopefully, you enjoyed and want to watch some of these underrated gems. Comment! Repost! Enjoy!
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Sightseers: Death and the Caravan
Sightseers is violent, frequently bleak and beautiful to look at. It features fully fleshed out characters and a macabre sense of humor. It is the story of two people traveling around the UK causing mayhem. Sightseers is impossible to recommend to causal viewers and adds another fantastic film to Ben Wheatley’s filmography.
Sightseers is like Natural Born Killers but with two milquetoast murderers. Steve Oram and Alice Lowe do fantastic work as the two road tripping killers who come out of their shells. They inhabit the characters with ease and you can tell there is a familiarity. The two stars came up with the characters when they created a short film intended to become a television show. After it was deemed too bleak they were put in contact with Edgar Wright who got director Ben Wheatley on board.
Sightseers became a hit on the festival circuit, was praised by Empire and played at Cannes. The trio did an neat interview with BFI and Lowe had this to say about the film:
We wanted to take the stereotype of British tourism, which has this extremely polite veneer, and do something that confounded that. But we didn’t want to make a light, murder comedy – we wanted it to have some psychological veracity, and to challenge people. We knew the characters had to have realistic psychologies for you to be willing to go with them on their journey. The whole movie is essentially about two damaged people coming together, triggering something in one another and becoming more than the sum of their parts.
The two people are damaged indeed. The are selfish, insane and have never heard of impulse control. They are playing god because they’ve never had control in their lives. Their styles differ greatly but there is an odd attraction amongst the dysfunction. Nothing good can come from the relationship and there is no way there will be a happy ending.
Sightseers goes so far over the top with its murder it becomes darkly funny. Lowe’s character Tina is a powder keg of mom jeans and chaos. If the performance wasn’t so self-assured you’d be stuck with bleak piled on an insane unpalatable sandwich. However, you kinda understand her which makes the mayhem laughable . Wheatley admitted that:
As a viewer you should be going from laughter to feeling guilty and back to laughter again.
A sense of dread imbues Sightseers which combines with the dark humor and beautiful vistas to form a weird hybrid of turmoil, darkness and comedy. Sightseers like Kill List and Down Terrace are impossible to explain. They are draining yet rewarding. There is brilliance to the violence that makes them so likable.
Watch Sightseers. Appreciate the characters. Look forward to Ben Wheatley’s next film. Buy a Carapod.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Oddness of Getaway
In a world full of remakes/sequels/reboots/prequels/spin-offs I love that Getaway exists. It is a car chase film that takes place in Bulgaria and features Selena Gomez talking about hacking computers whilst wearing a hoodie. It was universally panned (3% RT) and the nicest thing said about it was this:
This latter-day B movie can be rather fun in its preposterousness and bargain-basement style.
The Getaway is the story an ex-race car driver cruising around Bulgaria trying to save his wife. Selena Gomez gets involved and Jon Voight has another silly accent. On paper the movie makes sense. It was going for character actor + attractive pop star + nice car = fast paced ADD car mayhem that can be marketed internationally.
The problem is that the pace, editing and plot are all mind numbing. It got to the point where I lost track of the plot and starting counting how much it would cost to repair all the vehicular Hawke damage (probably like $8 million). Also, the costuming felt like an afterthought as Hawke is forced to wear a silly blue hat.
The silly hat is a staple of bad cinema. For instance, poor Julianne Moore was saddled with a bad hat in Next
Getaway really goes for it and puts a bad hat and hoodie on Selena Gomez.
The editing can best be described as “keyboard smashing.” Keyboard smashing works in music videos that need to pack everything into three minutes. However, the quick cuts in Getaway result in zero tension and a whole lot of confusion. The only cool moment of the film is a two-minute tracking shot of Hawke’s Shelby Cobra zooming through strategically driven vehicles.
I felt bad for the cops who were chasing Hawke. Imagine you are a traffic cop in Bulgaria and were tasked with chasing a Shelby Cobra around alleys, underpasses and busy streets. Your day will be wrecked and your reputation hurt. Hawke is responsible for destroying every cop car in Bulgaria and is incredibly lucky he didn’t crush hundreds of Bulgarians. The unlucky cops are doing their best to apprehend a madman that is careening all over their city. The majority of the car chases end with police cars flipping, rolling, crashing and careening.
The most frustrating aspect is the plot. The bad guy is one of those masterminds who stares at three computers and has everything planned out in advance. He knows all and is a super jerk. How does he know that Hawke won’t crunch an innocent bystander while careening around an ice rink? How does he not know that Selena Gomez will dupe him?. Jon Voight gives this computer villain another weird accent and I kept hoping he would accidentally use his Anaconda accent and adopt this face while staring at the monitor.
..
I get why Hawke took the role. He is known mostly for his sensitive generation-X portrayals and has since branched out into films like What Doesn’t Kill You, Sinister, The Purge and now Getaway. He wants to stay relevant with today’s youth. However, he got himself into a film where his character’s name is Brent Magna.
Between Before Midnight and Getaway Hawke had the highest and lowest rated films of 2013. That is why I like him. There is no pattern and he will continue to pop up in bad films wearing silly hats.
The Getaway is bad. However, Getaway was unexpected. I applaud that.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Glowering Hoodies and the Mortal Instruments
The Mortal Instruments is the story of a normal girl who discovers she has world saving powers and incredible eyebrows. She is drawn into an ancient battle between good and evil that will decide the fate of all mankind. She also has to deal with the obligatory YA love triangle involving mysterious men who glower whilst wearing hoodies.
On this blog we’ve covered the world’s first love quadrangle featuring three people and a voice over in The Host. Also, Co-writer John just examined the Gothic YA story Beautiful Creatures. We realize that we are not the target demographic in the same way young teenagers wouldn’t appreciate To the Wonder or any Scott Adkins direct to DVD film. However, we watch everything in our attempt to be well-rounded cinephiles. Also, I enjoy torturing John with movies he vowed to never watch. See review for Blue Crush 2.
Instead of picking holes in the film I want to discuss how it uses the familiar YA tropes. Here are some of the usual suspects
1. There will be a love triangle. Yep. It happens. Check out this line
Next time, it might be a nice idea to mention that you already have a man in your bed, so we can avoid such uncomfortable situations.
2. Bad CGI will be used. There is a scene where CCH Pounder turns into a demon while Bach is playing and it is kinda cool. She wrecks shop then gets stabbed by a guy in a hoodie.
3. There will be pouting. It will look and sound like this “he is my best friend but that guy with the hoodie is so intense and mysterious.”
4. Expository dialogue will be used. For instance, “There’s a map inside your head, Clary. YOU are the key to our survival.”
5. Somebody in the crew will be jealous of the love triangle. His name is Alec Lightwood and he says this:
She’s going to get us all killed.
6. There will be more hoodies. Say hello to the Warlock.
7. Somebody overacts whilst knowing they are in a bad YA book adaptation. Thank you Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
The Mortal Instruments is about the age-old story of Shadowhunters (good guys), vampires, warlocks, werewolves and demons. They all wear leather clad costumes and some want world domination. It is true kitchen sink young adult film making. There is a love triangle, jealous sidekick and lots of good-looking people standing around for publicity shots.
Lilly Collins is the sweet girl with paint stained overalls that is brought into the dangerous world of demon wrangling. Unbeknownst to her she has the ability to “see stuff.” Her ability gets her mom kidnapped and then she is attacked by demon dogs. A mysterious stranger in a hoodie saves her and she begins her tutelage to become a Shadowhunter who wears short black dresses.
After about 30 minutes of expository dialogue the well quaffed team start searching for her mother. They engage in battles with vampires, demons and bouncers who don’t believe they are 21.
So, what are Shadowhunters and what do they do? A character named Hodge “expository” Starkweather does his best to explain it to you.
Half angel, Half human, Beings of immense power, strong enough to restore balance and protect the world in a war against evil. Everything you’ve heard about monsters, about nightmares, legends whispered around campfires. All the stories are true.
The problem is that there are only four Shadowhunters left and they are understandably all about self-preservation. This new addition adds jealousy (one guy loves Hoodie jace) and proves how little a wardrobe the female member owns (she is always called a stripper).
After several double crosses the main baddie played by Jonathan Rhys Myers hits the earth and attempts to unleash all the demons. So, the good guys make a last stand to overcome the overacting bad guy. It is basically everything you’ve ever seen or read before. Eventually, Lilly realizes her powers and a sassy palm (with a wind machine) saves the day.
The Mortal Instruments is for people who love YA adaptations that give you nothing new. It is like the Hangover 2 of comedy or Clash of the Titans of action. It is the safe choice that isn’t as insane as Twilight or actually good like the Hunger Games.
Enjoy the hoodies! Watch out for the sassy palm! Master the “glower” face.
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A certified bro’s perspective on Beautiful Creatures (2013)
MY CALL: Carrie meets Titanic in this angsty supernatural high school love story. There’s just something about teenagers talking about destiny that makes me angry. MORE FROM “a certified bro”: Try some mommy issues, poor communication and dangerous travel in the spirit of girly independence with Blue Crush 2 (2011).
DISCLAIMER FROM A CERTIFIED BRO: Not sure how the teenage girl target audience felt about this. But I’m a 32 year old certified bro and a Jersey Italian and this bored me to tears. I live for bench pressing, Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, bicep tattoos and high-fiving alcohol-based accomplishments. Maybe if you grew up on Hannah Montana, this film could be for you. Me? I happened not to read the book by Kami Garcia. I think I was busy hocking loogies, thinking up new dick jokes or doing push-ups or something.
I was becoming wary of channel-surfing for fear that I’d stumble across some lovesick glittery bloodsucking Edward loaded with teen angst (despite being WAY older than any teenager) and in need of some bored looking Kristin Stewart to fill the void in his eternal life. Five movies that franchise lasted…FIVE! Is it just me, or is that a lot of screen time to devote to a group of anemic high schoolers who haven’t showered the glitter off since their last trip to the champagne room? Well, thankfully the Twilight Saga (2008-2012) has come to an end. But just when I thought I was done with sparkly vampires and it was safe to let women pick the movies again, this shit happens!
Ushering in more testosterone-depleting pain is a one-horse town southern boy and his true love: a pale, angsty high school witch! This is basically Twilight all over again except that the mortal star is a harshly accented Forrest Gump of a southern boy instead of Kristen Stewart and we get a pale magical antisocial girl instead of a pale supernatural antisocial Edward. Ethan (Alden Ehrenreich; Stoker) is our lovesick male lead and, get this, he’s been dreaming about the same girl (Lena) almost every night. He’s fallen in love with someone he’s never even met and has made dozens of sketches of her. So, in sum, like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic (1997) he’s an artist who has been sketching the literal girl of his dreams who he’s never met. LAME! Hey, Ethan, there’s a word for someone who’s in love with someone they’ve never met: STALKER! At least the writers knew what they were doing. Later in the film they actually sneak in a joke comparing these star-crossed lovers to Kate and Leo.
When Lena (Alice Englert) strolls into his classroom at the beginning of the school year, he sees the girl of his dreams. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Ethan tries so hard to be charming only to be shunned thinking he’s like the other haters. But not everyone is so polite. Her family has a reputation for being witches. Now I’m no witch expert nor did I grow up in 1692 Salem, but I can imagine this is not a stigma that is well-received by the general public–especially not in the God-fearing oft-ill-educated “bless your heart” South. But Lena doesn’t let the local Mean Girls get her down. And of course, to best capture that Cruel Intentions dichotomy, one of them is pining for Ethan–Emily (Zoey Deutch; Vampire Academy).
Of course Lena’s uncle and guardian Macon Ravenwood (Jeremy Irons) is furious over her eventual connection to Ethan, which of course, just drives her into his arms. Ugh! “Loving this boy puts you in terrible danger!” Way to basically guarantee they get married, Macon! She’ll be smoking Kools and pregnant with a tattoo of his name over her breast by senior year.
Okay, let’s play a game. What do all these have in common? Everyone calls Lena a witch, Lena has a Carrie moment and scares the whole class, EVERYBODY hates Lena, Macon compels Ethan to divine his own depressing small-town future, Lena is cursed to be overtaken by evil right after their high school Winter Dance, Ethan gets assaulted by Macon’s shrubbery, Lena admits practicing sorcery…
I’ll take “one red flag after another that this idiot Ethan ignores” for $100, Alex.
Now, I’ll make a few exceptions when faced with perhaps one red flag…
She has three cats? Fine. She’s probably fun in bed. Just don’t let her know where you live.
She’s a little crazy? Whatever, she’ll be a little clingy but she’ll never cheat you.
She performs magic? Like…bro, right in front of you? GET OUT NOW!!!
Amma (Viola Davis; Ender’s Game, Prisoners) is a seer who secretly watches over Ethan’s family and knows Macon all too well. She performs a topless divination in this PG-13 movie. Let me just pause for a sec right here. What a waste of naked witchcraft! True Blood, The Kiss (1988), those Witchcraft movies… all embrace naked magic. I’m pretty sure it makes the magic work better or something. But, and I’ll have to check on this, if I don’t actually get to see the boobs then it doesn’t count! Both Macon and Amma fear Sarafine (Emma Thompson; Brave, Men in Black 3), who’s been shadowing Lena for years as she approaches her sweet 16 birthday, which also happens to be when her soul is claimed for good or evil!
ABOVE: Claimed by “the dark” in 1996’s The Craft.
BELOW: Claimed by “the dark” in 1990’s The Witches.
Naturally, to make this process sound important and dramatic to all of you viewers still shopping in the Young Adult aisle, they gave this a special name. The Hunger Games (2012) had The Reaping ripping off the famous short story The Lottery, Harry Potter (2001) had that grumpy The Sorting Hat, and here we have The Claiming. The Claiming identifies witches as representative of the light or the dark, based on their destiny. Her way hot cousin Ridley and her megabitch mother want her for the dark side. How Mistress Vader and Darth Bitcheus of them. What gets me about all this is that never in the movie do they explain WHY it’s important that she not go to the dark side. Macon was chosen for the dark and just “decided” to live for the light. Doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. He doesn’t come off as evil. So why is Lena so afraid that she’ll like chop off Ethan’s head or something if she’s claimed by the dark? And why does her mother care? Is there some plan like the Sith overtaking the Jedi? Sarafine is clearly malevolent, but we don’t know how she’d benefit from Lena’s “darkness.” And to all you readers out there, you better count your teeth before you mouth off to me about how “the book tells it way better.” I’m sick of this book-to-movie comparison nonsense. They’re not comparable media! Stop thinking you’re clever by listing differences between two tellings of the same story!
So what does “the dark” make you do. That saucy redheaded Ridley (Emmy Rossum; Dragonball: Evolution, Poseidon) is out driving her sports car and kills a cop to avoid a speeding ticket. Evil, right!?! Guess what, jerks and sociopaths exist already without being “claimed” by some special force to justify their actions. I mean, they may have schizophrenia and be dangerous, but that “claiming” was in their DNA. This is why Ethan better get out of this relationship while he still can. But nope. Instead, Ethan equates this moment with Lena as the critical defining moment that they should run away together.
You don’t have to be claimed by “the dark” to be evil.
You might just be a soulless, life-hating ginger.
What about Sarafine? How evil is she? So evil that she bakes brownies for Ethan and when he doesn’t accept them she…WAIT FOR IT…leaves. That’s it. She just leaves. No raining Hellfire or witch curses. She just storms off over how rude he is for not accepting her Southern hospitality. Okay, she does try to get someone killed later. But her evil is pretty minor as far as evil witches go. Contrary to the accusations during the Salem Witch Trials The Witches of Eastwick (1987) actually literally slept with the Devil, the Wicked Witch enslaved a city of midgets and threatened to steal a little girl’s dog, the voodoo witch from The Kiss (1988) was straight up killing all over the place! Sarafine just tried (and failed) to kill one person and give away some brownies. In fact, the most evil thing Sarafine does is when she’s pretending to be “good” and she refers to Liberals, homosexuals, Democrats and Green Peace as unnatural abominations.
Yeah. “They” are the unnatural abominations.
Is that all that’s dumb about this movie? NOT AT ALL! There’s some curse that no caster may love a mortal. And yes, I just said “caster.” That’s the edgy, chic word the writers came up with to try to fool us into thinking that witches are cool. There’s also this magical amulet that let Lena and Ethan see their ancestors, but only when they hold hands. LAME! I should make Ethan give up his bro card just for participating in that nonsense.
“Wait! They have to hold hands for it to work? FML!!! Can we get some biceps or explosions to try to salvage this movie?”
This movie tries to be so ovulatingly “sweet.” Ethan professes how much he cares for Lena over and over again. I feel obligated to reminder viewers that he’s 16 and she’s 15. While everyone probably feels this way about someone at that age, who still felt like that a few years later about that same person? Reality check. Not many. I’ll bet that if Sleepless in Seattle (1993) was just an hour longer Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan would break up over something minor…basically what happens whenever there’s too much hype before actually beginning the relationship. Whereas Edward showed Bella the world in a way she never imagined, Lena made it snow in South Carolina for Ethan. BARF!
This is cuter than a puppy made out of kittens…NAUSEATING!!! Really, just give me one explosion and a Schwarzenegger one-liner and I’ll call it even!
Despite all of this estrogen-driven nonsense, I did enjoy when a dinner scene turns into a Witchnado with all of the classlessness of an Addams Family farce. But, as a jaded bro, I must say that the ending of this teen love story was appropriately realistic while still being satisfying to a love-hungry young audience of X chromosomes. It should come as no surprise at all that this hot menstrual mess was directed by Richard LaGravenese, who directed other such sappy, explosionless features as P. S. I Love You and Freedom Writers. 
Before.
After.
The movie actually wasn’t entirely awful. Ethan’s buddy Link (Thomas Mann; Project X, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters) brings some invited comic relief. And, even as a bro, I approve of a few scenes:
1) When mega-hot Ridley introduces herself to Ethan and interrupts his push-up session with a big wet long kiss. That redhead gets around! I know no woman can resist me when I’m sweaty and my pecs are all swoll!
BRO…MY…GOD!
2) When Ridley compels Link to make out with her. Good man, Link. I would have just manned up and done that without the magic, but whatever. It still counts. High five, bruh!
I’ve never wanted to be a lollipop so badly in my life.
3) On their first movie date Ethan takes Lena to see Final Destination 6. That’s right! No sparkly vampires for Ethan! Way to take charge and bro up.
4) Ethan turned down Sarafine’s offering of fresh brownies. Now, ladies, I realize that this doesn’t sound like much to you. But bros need carbs! Muscles don’t just grow from protein and prayers. So believe me, turning down any form of free food–especially baked goods–is huge for Ethan to prove he’s worthy and “get it in” Jersey Shore style!
In summary, I cannot give this incredibly unrealistic movie my Bro-Stamp of Approval. All bros should avoid this movie at all cost unless it’s date night and “she” picked the movie. In which case I’d advise you to just agree that it’s so sweet how Ethan helped Lena change her destiny or some nonsense line like that will ensure that you get laid tonight.
Ugh. Ever since Notebook I’ve been stuck seeing scenes of wet women! This is how I felt by the end of this movie…just hopeless.
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MY CALL: An unoriginal British film hinting at a VERY interesting idea that I’d like to see realized in a feature length film. MORE LIKE THIS: This film contains elements and potential that smack of The Shrine (2010) or a more adult-targeting take on Rosemary’s Baby (1968). TRAILER: Click Here.
This review was solicited by writer/director Scott Lyus (Twitter @scottlyus).
I must admit, I struggled to find the tone in the opening campus scenes as we are introduced to the main character, an articulate college student named Mary. The filming style utilized a careful contrast of in- and out-of-focus elements and I just couldn’t put my finger on why–I could only identify that I thought the filmmakers were “trying to make me notice or sense something.”
The majority of the film takes place in the woods, the transition into which is awash with lovely serenity-instilling shots. When Mary is abducted by a satanic cult (the Order of the Ram) the counterfocal filming strategy lends itself to Mary’s bewilderment and fear. [Perhaps this was simply the product of a camera flaw that just happened to work(?).] Her life is explained to her as the product of a secret society’s plan to hail “His return” with her prophesied sacrifice.
As with most short films, I view this as something of a “taste” of what a director or writer might be able to do with a feature length budget, a hired writer and better trained actors (our present stars have no other professional credits) at their disposal. The dialogue is rather over-explanatory, perhaps a necessary evil to convey a lot of exposition in a short period of time.
Mother, leader of the Order of the Ram, provides all of the story’s exposition. Functionally, she is the sole storyteller. Mother gets most of the lines and is, unfortunately, not at all convincing. But there’s more beneath the surface this film–a great potential.
The occult wardrobe feels too clean as if just removed from its plastic packaging. In fact, it feels “fake.” But we can’t let this budgetary constraint obscure Lyus’ vision. So while the sacrificial dagger, the dark Bible and the cultists’ masks and garbs appear to be purchased from a costume store or Hot Topic, this shouldn’t be perceived as a flaw.
In staring past the limited resources and rigid-at-best acting behind this film’s production I recognized a story concept, proper staging, and attempts at shots that would make me comfortable finding the present filmmakers with more of a budget to flex their latent talents. The story isn’t at all original, but original isn’t always what pleases. Sometimes it’s telling the same old story in a different way that stokes our fiery interests. The Shrine (2010; another cult/sacrifice-driven film) did exactly that and was well-received. Should a larger budget find this project, I’d suggest casting none of the original actors and taking on a writer to expand Lyus’ concept and replace exposition with more subtlety. This would also broaden the ideas available to Lyus’ directorial vision in painting a complicated plot.
What I’d like to see explored most is a concept that occupied only minutes of this film: the idea that throughout Mary’s entire life all of her friends and peers knew she’d ultimately be sacrificed. Just wondering how one would approach presenting this effectively and credibly in a feature length film makes me want to throw money at this project.
It’s easy to criticize short films and their filmmakers are brave to put them out there before us with such limited backing. Let’s not peevishly nibble at the low-hanging critical fruit. Let’s instead think of what “could be” as we watch them. I want to see more of the ideas that “could be” in this film.
Anyone interested in viewing this short film should make their request to writer/director Scott Lyus (Twitter @scottlyus). The video is presently not available to the public.
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