John’s Horror Corner: The Howling: Reborn (2011), another damn teeny bopper high school relationship movie masquerading as a horror
MY CALL: Just when I thought the world was done with sparkly vampires I stumbled across this: another damn teeny bopper high school relationship movie masquerading as a horror. SKIP IT! WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Well, if you’re in the market for a great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made! Second best would be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously. Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks. If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987). But maybe skip Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988) unless you’re die hard about this franchise..
Shit! This looks like a Twilight sequel.
I wouldn’t call it a remake. This contemporized franchise reboot chronicles the “coming of adulthood” of high school senior Will (Landon Liboiron; Altitude). Will has a thing for Eliana (Lindsey Shaw; No One Lives), one of his classmates that refers to her clique as a “pack.” Much to his surprise, she invites him to party where he is drugged, shares some time with Eliana and thinks he sees a werewolf.
After the “attack” Will turns to his best friend and horror trivia expert to learn about werewolves. Meanwhile Will notices that he doesn’t seem to need his prescription glasses anymore (like in Wolf), he’s stronger and more assertive, his wounds heal before his eyes and he spends more time with Eliana. Their relationship is really coming along. This flick focuses more on the emotions, self-discovery and Will’s relationship with Eliana than werewolves. Speaking as a 30-something adult, this movie is pretty lame.
Kay (Ivana Milicevic; Banshee) is the mother of a fellow student. She puts the moves on Will’s dad and shifts from kind-hearted and mild-mannered to sultry. But there’s something special about Kay. She has a special interest in Will and she knows something special about him–whereas there is nothing special about this movie.
Lots of people die; we don’t see it happen. There are lots of werewolves; we don’t see them. I mean, we get a glimpse and the costume/make-up were okay despite their long ugly rat tails. But the werewolf screen time was very little until the last 20 minutes.
It’s one of those albino vampire Moorlocks from The Descent.
A giant wererat.
My Little Pony on steroids.
Will’s girlfriend turns into a “male” werewolf.
Transformation is much easier nowadays with CGI. Spinal vertebrae pulsate before pushing out the skin. But after the first transformation they were reduced to hideously simplified instantaneous CGI morphs without stages, pain, etc. This flick, while awful, keeps in line with franchise tradition and includes a mid-coitus transformation scene. With the exception of Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985), these sex scenes always include a female werewolf and a regular guy who’s in for a big surprise.
The only thing this movie does well is reinforce the admonishing trend that the newer a “Howling” movie is the less advisable it is to watch.
Share this post:
Bullet to the Head As Told by Pictures
Hello all. Mark here.
Sylvester Stallone is back and he is bringing an axe to a gun fight. Bullet to the Head looks like a mixture of old school meets new school. Director Walter Will (The Warriors, 48 Hrs) is back and this time he has likable actors Jason Momoa, Sarah Shahi and Sung Kang with him. The main buzz around this film is Stallone’s chiseled physique and a surprise axe fight. It is nice to have an non-CGI action fest that delivers the bang.
I’ve been looking at the pictures and I’ve been able to piece together the story. I’ve done zero research, watched the trailer once and am pretty certain I’ve figured out the plot.
Here are the pictures. Enjoy the thrills, quips and strategic triceps posing.
The poster features a plethora of likable actors. However, for a movie called Bullet to the Head it features some misses to the head.
Sylvester Stallone is a hit man that shoots people in a very specific area.
He takes off his shirt and shoots more people in a very specific area.
A bad guy shoots his partner in an area above the shoulders
Sly shoots himself metaphorically. Audience groans.
Stallone gets a new partner and Kung Fu jokes abound. Watch the trailer. I don’t remember what he said but there are comments like that.
The new partner falls for Sly’s daughter and a montage of tattoos, piercings and regretting those tattoos and piercings occur.
The partner and daughter get kidnapped and to find them Sly gives Slater a cutting shear to the head.
Sly locates bad guys warehouse…..Axe fight! But, first Sly has to stretch.
The axe fight involves unnecessary twirling, lots of grunting and triceps flexing.
Sly starts to lose because he can’t think of the name of the Game of Thrones character the guy he is fighting looks like.
Sung Kang shoots the mercanary in an obvious spot. People complain title is too literal.
Bad guy somehow survives the bullet and Stallone uses an unnecessarily large amount of C4 to blow him up. One-liners occur.
Enjoy the axe fights and one-liners!
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: They Bite (1995)
FYI, I basically can’t find ANY image stills from this movie online. Sorry about that. It’s not as bad as the DVD cover suggests–but it’s bad.
MY CALL: This movie is basically smut horror; like a 90s Roger Corman release. It’s completely tasteless, like the majority of non-franchise 80s horror, and serves as an excuse for teenagers to see breasts and gore in one convenient stop. Despite its smuttiness, at least we see the monsters and some gore at an appropriate frequency. This is like a poor man’s Humanoids from the Deep with more breasts. [Eh…C-] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: The only suggestions I have are for those who seek more flicks featuring monster rape. For example, Humanoids from the Deep (1980), Breeders (1986) and Chillerama (2011). There are others, but these flicks make more of a theme of it all and really celebrate the monster rape category.
I actually watched this assuming it was an 80s horror movie. Much to my surprise it spawned from the mid 90s. Opening in Black’s Island, Florida, a sleazy photographer is turning a swimsuit photo shoot into a raunchy shoot when his model is suddenly attacked by some Creature from the Black Lagoon lookalike. Probably just because her breasts were bare, the creature takes her on a playfully deadly dunkfest before killing her off.
As this flick painfully presses on we are introduced to a cheap crew of pornographers including producer Darryl (porn star Ron Jeremy; Return to the Class of Nuke-em High; Chillerama) and a group of underage drinkers who have a run-in with a guy in a dumb rubber suit—I mean…a sea monster. The town locals are well aware of the pornographic goings on and have everything from city petitions to soul-saving ministers approaching them. Evidently the true message in this film comes to the defense of pornographers’ rights.
The pornographers stumble across Ichthyologist Mel (Donna Frotscher; no other credits) and learn about the fish people and decide to double dip; they produce the “Attack of the Fish F!@#$” while investigating the “real” fish people for some profitable means.
In the middle of a monster rape scene complete with ambiguous life-draining tentacles, the smuttiness somehow picks up yet more when random witness and beachgoer Katie (Playboy Playmate Susie Owens) is abducted by a sea monster’s chest-vagina and becomes a monster herself with a toothy-mawed crotch hungry for…well, you know. Sadly, this exploitative bit was the best made scene in the entire movie by a landslide—not that it says a whole lot. [If you happen to be a fan of monster-vaginas then you should turn to Tokyo Gore Police, Xtro or Teeth.] Then porn starlet Tammy (Christina Veronica; The Girlfriend from Hell) gets it on with a dirty reverend before the horror Gods smite that dirty preacher via fish monster death. With all of the classiness of Piranha 3D and Piranha 3DD, there’s even a wet t-shirt contest that turns into a strip-off and then a catfight.
Of course, all this smut stacks up to prepare us for the finale land invasion of the sea monsters. I’ll offer one compliment to this movie now, and that’s that there seems to be more than one monster design. Not sure why there would be different monster varieties, but it’s nice to see. Some have crustacean claws instead of clawed hands, or toothy humanoid mouths as opposed to more tentacle-rich muzzles.
The ending: A lame telepathy scene reveals that these fish monsters were specimens in the care of some slightly more human fish people aliens who return to space, for no apparent reason whatsoever, in their stingray-shaped ship.
This movie is for adventurous horror fans who are unswayed by monster rape.
Share this post:
The Last Stand
There is a moment in The Last Stand where Arnold decides to battle the mercenaries and drug lords that are headed to his town. He knows the violence it will bring and that many people will die in spectacular fashion. However, he has dealt with similar punks before in a past life and they’ve already killed one of his deputies. When he makes that decision you understand his motivation to make a stand because it feels real. For instance, One of his deputies shares her fear and he tells her he is more afraid because he” knows what is about to happen.”
The Last Stand does something neat that rarely happens. You like the characters and understand the bad guy. I like that the villain in the film is a total turd that has gotten away with everything due to family connections and lots of money. He thinks he can do whatever he wants. However, his luck will run out when he meets Arnold’s clenched fists and many big guns.
The movie does have its faults. Forest Whitaker and his CIA crew get too much screen time. They screw up by letting him escape a convoy then spend a lot of time failing to catch him. The CIA aspect could have been removed and the movie would have been better for it. The movie should have been about a small town sheriff and his eclectic crew battling killers. Another thing that did not help the film was the scatter shot marketing that could never pinpoint the feel of the film. The three promotional posters had no clue what the movie was about.
Poster number one tells the story of a zany action film involving big guns, big hats and horrible tag lines.
Poster number two gives off the grind house and retro vibe.
The only poster that should have been used was poster number three. It goes against the comical/bombastic aspects of the film and focuses on what the movie should have been about. One man fighting many. It could have been Arnold’s Unforgiven or Sly’s recent Rambo or Rocky.
What we get is a fun re-watchable film that gets many things right. It has the best kill in years, features a corn field car chase and a believable MMA style fight at the end. The action isn’t crazily edited or too extreme. Kim lets the camera linger which creates an easy to follow blueprint of destruction.
The Last Stand is a unique mixture of director’s Kim Jee-Woon (I Saw the Devil, The Good The Bad and The Weird) oddball sensibilities and an Arnold action film. The characters are likable albeit one-dimensional (rookie, drunk, insane, comical) yet form a believable team. The dynamics of the crew are set clearly and as the final battle rages on you want no ill-will to become of them. It does something that movies seldom do. It makes you understand the characters and hope they will not blow up when a flare hits their ammo.
The set up is believable which makes the bombastic violence tolerable. A small town is deserted because of a traveling state football game. It should be a quiet weekend for Sheriff Arnold and his crew. However, a Mexican Drug lord is freed from capture and headed towards the small town in order to cross the border. The random crew band together and arm themselves at Johnny Knoxville’s massive gun museum. I enjoyed Knoxville in this film. He has a minor role and his brand of crazy is sorta justified and his zany actions entertaining when kept in check.
The Last Stand is a creative blast of fresh air. What makes it work is the mischievous sense of violence and likability of the characters. You understand why Arnold is making his stand. You like the back story of the bad guy. You don’t mind the constant promotion of Corvettes.
The Last Stand bombed at the box office making only six million in it’s opening weekend. However, I believe it will play well on DVD, On Demand and cable channels. It has creative action, fast cars and as my fiancee said “fantastic hair.”
Share this post:
The Plot of Parker Explained by Pictures
Hello all. Mark here.
Jason Statham is back in the predictably titled film Parker. It looks like he wears hats, kicks butt and woos Jennifer Lopez. Some new promotional photos were released and I feel like they unintentionally provided the narrative of the film.
The poster introduces us to a suit wearing, shotgun holding, strategically bearded Statham. I am just guessing but I don’t think he had Jennifer Lopez’s face screen printed onto his suit. My guess is that she is able to get inside his heart and turn that frown upside down.
The poster suggests that the two of them will get dirty (metaphorically, physiologically and physically) in their attempt to steal money and thwart various character actors.
Here are the photos and my completely unresearched expert analysis.
Statham is reeling from the lost of something so he wears a dorky hat to suggest he is an every man like he did in his prior film Safe
Something happens and before you can say “Armani” he is back in a tailored suit that NPH would be jealous of.
Nick Nolte warbles something. He should have won the Oscar for Warrior.
He gets himself embroiled in a huge heist story line and he uses his superior “Stath” techniques to disguise himself.
Sidenote: All the disguises are tailored.
He meets a sultry Jennifer Lopez who is looking to recreate her Out of Sight heat. Which is good idea because she was really good in Out of Sight
A crew of fantastic character actors are introduced as the villains. Any crew with Bunk from The Wire and Clifton Collins Jr. is cool. I kinda hope they win.
Guns get pointed at people. Fortunes change hands, multiple high kicks connect with jaws, snitches get stitches and twists occur.
Statham unleashes the “Stath” on Lopez (Insert Anaconda, Snatch and Money Train jokes here)
Statham thinking moment number 6 (should he stay? Should he go? Should he do another Transporter?)
Statham gets back in his tailored suit and kills all the bad guys.
There you have it! Parker told in pictures. Have I watched the trailer? No. Have I read a synopsis? No. Have I watched every Statham movie and feel like I know where all of his movies are heading? Yes.
Share this post:
John’s Old School Horror Corner: The Boogens (1981)
Title-FAIL! The word “Boogens” is uttered one brief time in the entire movie, and the term is never explained. There are also no bony claws anywhere in this movie! But, thankfully, the movie isn’t as dumb as the title sounds.
MY CALL: This golden oldie features likable characters and some pesky little tentacle monsters that are never explained. It’s really just for those who appreciate great dog characters and the slow-burns of the 70s and 80s in which you don’t see the monster until the very end. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: The Kindred (1987) also features a dog character, a better and creepier version of the same monster, an explained backstory, more creative attack scenes with better gore, and generally offers better and more across the board.
Young miners Mark and Roger are on the job when a mine is reopened 70 years after a cave-in in Silver City, Colorado. What they didn’t know was that perhaps the mines were caved in for a reason. Deep in the mines they find the bony remains of a lot of people. For whatever reason, no one expends much effort figuring out why they’re there.
Locked away in those caves were “boogens,” which are basically tentacled troglodyte-octopus beasts. After these abominations are released people start dying. These kills are unexciting and not so numerous in the typical 70s horror fashion–for example, a woman is dragged across the floor screaming into another room and we never see the perpetrator or see her die. These monsters don’t show their faces ’til the end. It’s just POV shots until then.
“I know you can’t see the monster yet but it’s terrifying!!!!!!!”
Mark and Roger are joined by their girlfriends Trish and Jessica (Anne-Marie Martin; Prom Night, Halloween II). They’re all staying in a cabin near the mine. Tiger, the dog character, is used very well. Most dogs in horror movies just bark at basement doors and harbinger the presence of a slasher, often causing distractions leading to their owners’ demise. Tiger actually helps develop the viewers’ relationship with the main characters. He’s a cute dog and he gets many of his own scenes; you’ll like him.
Yes, by all means, move in for a closer look at whatever rended the metal floor grating. Whatever it was, it couldn’t possibly do the same to you!
I mean, you saw THIS and it looks like your dog’s hair is on it…
So this dog WAS here…and now it’s not…but its fur is on the grating. I wonder what could have happened…
When we first “see” the Boogens, we only see their tentacles when they grab at the stupid protagonists.
But eventually we see the whole monster: essentially a muppet-faced octopus thing.
Compared to today’s standards, and even of the mid-80s, the body count is low, the pace is slow and the gore is wanting. I’d add that while not everything needs to be explained, knowing what a Boogen is, how it got its name and exactly why they were sealed in the cave 70 years ago would’ve been nice (presumably the miners just bumped into them and started dying, so they sealed off the beasts). I don’t even need an explanation for how those things survived sealed away for 70 years.
There’s an old man we see regularly throughout the movie and you expect that any minute he’s going to warn the young miners, or lecture them or blame them with a haranguing of historical lessons; anything with answers. This doesn’t happen. Well, he lectures and blames, but no answers come with it. He just mumbles the word Boogens once. That’s all we get. Really?
This golden oldie is really just for those who appreciate great dog characters and the slow-burns of the 70s and 80s. A bit slow, but I enjoyed it.
In loving memory of Tiger.
Share this post:
MY CALL: This is a perfect example of a “Werewolf FAIL.” There’s a lot of soap operatic relationship drama, hardly a werewolf in sight and a lot of lying and anxiety; basically, this is a Lifetime Network movie about werewolves with a VERY LOW budget. [C-/D+] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Well, if you’re in the market for a great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made! Second best would be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously. Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks. If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987). FRANCHISE/SEQUEL NOTE: Other than a lot of parallels with the original (a remake really), I find no story-based connection between this, The Howling (1981; the best of the series), Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985; random and hilarious) or Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987; still a lot of weird fun). Based on quality, it’s awful that the destitute part IV even tried to remake the excellence of part one! These movies get better as you work your way back to the original.
Marie (Romy Windsor; Howling: New Moon Rising) keeps seeing a vanishing nun, frightening reflections, and visions of claw marks. She needs to clear her mind. So, along with their hideous his and hers 80s mullets, Marie and her husband Richard (Michael T. Weiss; Dark Shadows, Bones) leave to spend three weeks in some secluded place called Drago which bathes in the accents of the locals’ shallow gene pool.
As they get settled in they meet a local shopkeeper Eleanor (Lamya Derval) who, like Elisabeth Brooks from the original, is a sultry minx with street walker make-up and an occult rat bone necklace who makes eyes at other women’s husbands. [Also, just like in the original, Marie’s husband and the local cultette will eventually do it.] Between this mild flirtation, some dreams about wolves and losing her pet dog in the woods, Marie’s stress builds right back up. The director really shoehorns these scenes, along with more visions of this random nun and the ghosts (or visions?) of some disturbed and confused elderly couple, into a rather short period of time. However, I fail to appreciate it as this movie just drags on with no sign of satisfaction in sight. POV shots, slow-motion running and scenes of misty forest all dreadfully fail to contribute to the mood.
Another vacationer, Janice, comes to Drago. Janice used to be a nun and knew the nun from Marie’s visions. This dream nun died after a being plagued by the sound of howling and had nervous breakdown. This “revelation” was no more exciting to me than sipping from a two-day old glass of flat Diet Coke. Halfway through this movie you’d think it’s about visions of a nutty nun and not about werewolves at all–really, AT ALL!
Wolf in slut’s clothing.
Later Richard meets up for a tryst with Eleanor. She makes an instant transformation into a werewolf, bites him, then instantly transforms into a wolf (off camera, of course) and runs off.
Richard’s transformation is the opener to the only gory sequence in the whole movie–but it’s long. It’s deliciously revolting, but it doesn’t make up for the rest of this awful film. It starts with Richard literally melting to death into a puddle of…well…himself. Then he emerges as a slimy, slowly expanding werewolf–it’s certainly original.
I asked him if he had to go before we got in the car!
At this time, the other townspeople are transforming and the creature quality is all over the place. Some look lame, like trolls or orcs or something, many are simply red-eyed dogs, and one looked REALLY cool with a neat abomination of an intermediate transformation phase. Were it not for this sequence and some nudity, this film would have fit in perfectly on the Lifetime Network.
Werewolf fist guns activated. PEW PEW PEW!
The acting is something painful. But don’t worry, it’s complemented by VERY bad editing–day to night to day transitions between cuts in one scene, seeing things on screen waaay to briefly, some of the dialogue is off or dubbed, and other misdeeds of post-production filmmaking.
This “sequel” is called The Original Nightmare–I can’t help but to wonder why. Perhaps an attempt to make us think this is a prequel even though it relies on the premise of the original as it is really a remake. The husband meets a local culty slut in the boondock town, kills a rabbit and cheats on his wife with a chick who turns into a werewolf during the act and bites him–making this the third of four Howling movies with a mid-coitus transformation, four if you count the subtlety of the sex scene “change” in part 3.
Share this post:
Bad Movie Tuesday: Taken 2 and the Dynamics of a Bad Action Film
What is the number one reason people would watch a sequel to the surprise hit Taken? The answer is simple. People want to watch Liam Neeson hurt people and speak authoritatively into phones.
Taken 2 brought in $50 million it’s opening weekend and amassed a fortune overseas. It proved that Moviegoers love to see Neeson destroying men who kidnap daughters. However, Taken 2 opted for a PG-13 rating and waiting about 40 minutes for the first face punch. The goodwill the first film created quickly dissipated into poor reviews and disappointed action junkies. Why all the dislike? A part of the reason is evident in this poster. Neeson does a lot of sitting.
Taken 2 is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Not good dumb like Mummy 3 or fun dumb like Lockout. The reason I say Taken 2 is dumb is because the writer and director take a character who kicks butt and have him spend half the film tied to a pipe, put in a trunk or driving around in a taxi. The decisions made by the creators are absolutely mind boggling and worthy of exploration.
I am going to explain a 30 minute scene for you. The director thought it was wise to have Neeson kidnapped and tied to a pipe. So, you take out the main reason to watch the film (face hurting) and instead have to watch Maggie Grace throw grenades and do wind sprints.
The bad guys have Neeson kidnapped and know fully well that he is a ball of tall Irish destruction. So, they tie him up and leave him alone in a room full of jagged edges to cut off his zip ties. Are guards in the room watching his every move? Nope. There is one guard sitting outside the locked room who I’ve named “Hank.” Hank plays with his gun, takes a nap and watches reruns of Wings while somehow completely oblivious to the large Irish man making tons of noise. Neeson Skypes, bangs on pipes, starts a fire, releases his wife from chains and plays Stairway to Heaven on Rock Band. Hank is never the wiser and he continues to look at his gun and wish he brought a magazine.
On the 30 minute trip to the imprisonment site Neeson counts every second between turns and says sage things like “birds” and “praying.” Somehow he remembers all of these and in order for Maggie Grace to find his location. He sneaks a Skype phone from his shoe and calls his daughter (Hank is sleeping) so she can rescue him. I think the director wanted another iconic phone scene that was similar to the first film. However, he doesn’t threaten any evil bad guys. He has Maggie Grace grab grenades from his suitcase and tells her to throw them so he can count the seconds between blasts. One magical moment features Grace throwing a grenade into an empty parking garage roof. The roof is clear except for one car. She manages to throw the grenade under the lone car and undoubtedly raised the insurance prices for one poor soul. Then, she throws a grenade and it blows up a water tower which soaks the poor inhabitants and ruins several delicious looking lunches. Finally, grace drops a gun down a chimney and Neeson shoots Hank in the face.
So, it took 40 minutes for action to occur then when it does they stuff Liam in a car, trunk and prison cell. Why is this bad? Because it doesn’t allow Liam to do this.
There is zero neck snapping. You are stuck with PG-13 antics. The weirdest thing that happens next is that the following chase puts Neeson in the passenger seat and Grace in the driver side. Neeson does his best Burn Notice impression and tells Grace exactly what to do while the bad guys chase them. The problem with the driving scene is that the camera is so close and editing so manic it looks like the chase was filmed on a 100 meter city street. There is zero sense of place and it makes the golf cart scenes in Jackass seem exciting in comparison.
The best/worst part of this film is the final fight is between the hulking Neeson and a five foot nothing man wearing a track suit. I’m not saying short guys do not make good opponents because the small guy from The Raid would beat me up very quickly. However, this guy choreographs his jabs and needs editing to make him seem like a worthy adversary. My guess is the man is either the stunt coordinator or the director’s brother because he in no way should be the final boss who almost wins. Neeson looked 100% confused during this fight and must have decided Wrath of the Titans (dumbest/loudest movie of 2012)wasn’t so bad anymore. Check out his face.
Taken 2 dropped the ball and still managed to be successful. However, I have a feeling it will hurt the action genre in the years to come. It proves that mediocrity makes money and talks of a third Taken film have been reported. I’m hoping Neeson will stay away from the property and embrace being the new Harrison Ford by starring in action vehicles and character studies similar to The Grey.
Share this post:
A Good Day To Die Hard Told in Pictures
Hello all. Mark here
I own all of the Die Hard films. Die Hard is classic, Die Harder is loud, Die Hard With a Vengeance is better than Die Harder and Live Free or Die hard has Timothy Olyphant. Collider recently released new pictures of A Good Day To Die Hard and they didn’t raise my expectations. I picked out some winners and decided I can tell you the entire film in nine pictures. My prediction is that the movie will be loud, louder and happily R-rated.
Without further ado here is A Good Day To Die Hard told in pictures.
Bruce Willis goes to another country and does the Bruce Willis face.
He gets into a taxi and a culture clash occurs.
A bad guy talks on a cell phone about something evil. My guess is arms dealing, nuclear war, beard shaving tips or billion dollar theft
The likable bald dude from Spartacus and Jack Reacher gets in over his head yet is still annoyed that that another bald dude saves him.
Bruce Willis finds out the bald dude is his son and gives him the Bruce Willis face.
A lady gets scantily clad in a conveinantly empty parking garage for the preview
Bruce Willis catches the bad guy via complaining, lots of bullets and one-liners.
Bruce says his famous catchphrase and his son gives him a sassy look because he understands that the catchphrase is sorta tired.
The two walk away and talk about a sequel.
Also, The trailer for Red 2 just came out and it looks fantastic. Viva la John Malkovich and his acid brain.
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Deep Star Six (1989)
MY CALL: Better acting but a lower budget than Leviathan (1989), and it blaringly shows. Monster movie fans should stick to Leviathan, but all in all this shouldn’t be too disappointing. [C+] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Leviathan (1989); weaker acting but way more fun and effects-driven. And, actually, K-19: The Widowmaker (2002), which features an extremely effective cast trying, and largely failing, to survive a nuclear submarine disaster. Very intense.
Deep Star Six follows several scientists and NAVY crew setting up a deep sea missile silo. They find that their missile platform site is on top of a large cavern system which Scarpelli (Nia Peeples; Werewolf: The Beast Among Us) is dying to investigate for new deep sea marine species. However, Captain Phillip (Taurean Blacque; Rocky II) and crew won’t have it and they instead detonate the caverns to somehow “secure” the site and send down a probe to take video and photos of a cavern separated from the rest of the ocean for upwards of millions of years. They lose the probe and send a small transport to recover it. This does not go well. They get attacked by “something” in the cavern and contact is lost—presumably they’re dead.
No sign of the monster yet in this low budget flick, just a lot of creature POV shots as it swims about. It must be sizable because it wastes no time saying “hi” to the Star Six crew by ramming the shit out of their vessel causing considerable damage. Additional powerful checks to the facility nearly push it into the deep chasm they created.
Because this is largely written around the characters, who rarely encounter the creature, this feels more like a disaster movie in which things are just “happening around the characters” instead of a monster movie where the creature “does things to the characters.” So any suspense is character-driven as viewers are given little to fear in terms of this mysterious creature, which seems to respond to the facility’s lights aggressively. When we do see the monster it’s pretty cool-looking though. Really.
From the movie’s start, this sea monster seemed very large and extremely fast since it could ram the deep sea station and move it! It had more effect on that station than I would on a SmartCar with a dedicated tackle. However, when we finally meet are deep sea foe we see that this giant crocodile-lobster with sort of a Tremors’ mouth couldn’t weigh more than 5000 pounds (if not less?) and appears incapable of swimming faster than, say, maybe 15-25 mph—this thing is no sleek shark. Big? Sure. Big enough to push a sea station the size of a large house into a chasm? NO WAY!!!
Shots of the station and ocean exterior are thoroughly unimpressive, but hardly matter for one’s enjoyment of this movie. Its budgetary wounds are stitched by credible dialogue and, for the nature of the movie, effective acting by a cast representing a solid range of characters. Dr. Norris (Cindy Picket; Sleepwalkers), the medical officer, is most affected by the loss of a crewman. And when the captain suffers a fatal injury Joyce (Nancy Everhard; Urban Legends: Bloody Mary) and McBride (Greg Evigan; Tek War) are forced to assume leadership roles. Jim (Matt McCoy; The Hand That Rocks the Cradle), Scarpelli’s boyfriend, provides the comic relief.
Snyder (Miguel Ferrer; RoboCop, Tales from the Crypt, The Stand), the whiny high-strung tech on board, already wanted to be home since his four-month tour had already been extended. This fool detonates their missile a little too close to the station. This does not go well. This is his first in a series of major screw-ups including accidentally killing a crewman with some weird air-pumping harpoon and getting himself killed in via decompression.
The cast is widdled down to a few who find a way to kill the aberration. Or did they?
Movies, Films & Flix 
