Zero Dark Thirty
Over the last year I’ve noticed an alarming trend. Critics and film goers have been describing every film as “uneven.” My fiancee made an interesting observation after watching Zero Dark Thirty. She said “If every movie is uneven then this film can only be described as even.” This film is fantastic on every level. The directing, editing and acting (Chastain won Golden Globe) are all on another level. Katherine Bigelow has been making fantastic films for a long time. Point Break and Hurt Locker were modern day classics and ZDT is when she put it all together. ZDT is a complete movie that keeps you on the edge of your seat while never feeling like a 165 minute film. An added bonus is that is gives Marc Strong another opportunity to prove he is the best supporting actor around.
Jessica Chastain (Tree of Life, Take Shelter, The Help, Lawless) is proving to be the best around with her no nonsense/intelligent/fragile/strong demeanor. For instance, she has an amazing line that she delivers with a nervous aplomb. The line is “I’m the motherf***er who found this place.” Who does she deliver it to? She calls herself a “motherf***er” in front of the head of the CIA. However, it isn’t too self confident or forced. Chastain walks the line and she does it well. She stands out amidst a plethora of fantastic character actors and I don’t know if any other actress could pull off the role. The thing I love most is that the there is no forced exposition about her life and history. She is an unstoppable force of ginger that feels real and gets her man.
Also, While watching the film my fiancee kept saying how badass Jason Clarke was. The last time I saw him was in Lawless (with Chastain) and I’m glad he was finally allowed to flex his acting chops alongside Coach Taylor.
It seems like Bigelow gathered actors that she liked and had them recite the fantastic dialogue written by Mark Boal. For instance, you get to watch Mark Duplass (Safety Not Guaranteed), Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights), Harold Perrineau (Lost), Scott Adkins (Expendables 2), Edgar Ramirez (Carlos), Joel Edgerton (Warrior) and Chris Pratt (Moneyball) light up the screen with their minor roles. Bigelow has a way of using her minor characters to the fullest. She has made Gary Busey lovable in Point Break, Harrison Ford Russian in k-19 and Guy Pearce explosive in Hurt Locker. This sounds random but I would love Bigelow to direct a Game of Thrones movie. She could crush the action scenes and give every actor a moment to shine.
Zero Dark Thirty is about the hunt for Osama Bin Laden. It took billions of dollars, lots of torture, many false leads and an iron will. As the movie progresses you wonder why it is still so important. However, after all is said and done you understand why she never gave up. Zero Dark Thirty takes you down a rabbit hole of understandable obsession. It is smart and unpredictable which is kinda cool because you know how it ends.
Watch this movie. Break the trend of calling everything “uneven.” Appreciate Point Break because Keanu Reeves is awesome.
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John’s Horror Corner: Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985), a serious horror genre admixture with some inexplicably random shit!
MY CALL: This is exactly what you’re looking for when you have beer and friends to entertain–loads of breasts, bad acting, incredibly inconsistent effects, a dumb story and some serious horror genre admixture with some inexplicably random shit. Disturbingly bad; shamefully hilarious! IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Well, if you’re in the market for a great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made! Second best would be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously. Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks. If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then movie on to Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987). FRANCHISE/SEQUEL NOTE: This movie picks up right after The Howling (1981), but is in no way connected to Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987). ALTERNATE TITLE: Howling II: Stirba, Werewolf Bitch.
Opening quote by Christopher Lee: “For it is written, the inhabitants of the Earth have been made drunk with her blood; and I saw her sit upon the hairy beast and she held forth a golden chalice full of the filthiness of her fornications and upon her forehead it was written behold I am the great mother of harlots and all abominations of the earth.”
Following an Old World-ish provocative monologue, we see images of European gargoyles and paintings burdened by a terrible scoring job. Then we are transported to Los Angeles for the funeral service of Karen (the lead chick from The Howling). During the service, Karen’s brother Ben (Reb Brown of such classic films as Sssssss, Yor the Hunter from the Future and Night Claws) and his main squeeze Jenny (Annie McEnroe; Beetlejuice) speak to the mysterious Stefan Crosscoe (Christopher Lee; The Hobbit, Dark Shadows, Season of the Witch), an occult investigator who informs her that her sister is (not was) a werewolf.
OKAY, TIMEOUT!!! Let’s stop right there. 1) I had no idea that an occult investigator was a thing. Is it anything like a paranormal investigator like in Grave Encounters (2011) or Insidious (2011)? 2) How does he know Karen is alive if she’s in her casket? Do werewolves not die (like vampires) in this flick? Did the coroner or maybe an EMT check her pulse?
This movie, completely unlike the elegantly made original (The Howling), looks and feels like a tacky, asshole-y monstrosity like most other bad 80s horror. There are over-sexed punks galore, slutty supernatural chicks with plastic skeleton earrings who lure idiotic men to their doom, and a clichéd out hunter of the supernatural who considers a pair of sunglasses to be a pretty good disguise.
So Stefan summons Jenny and Ben to his expensive home–no doubt financed by werewolf hunting and the like–and informs them that because some silver bullets were removed from Karen during her autopsy, she’s alive and well…and still a werewolf. He drops this perfectly credible story on them basically seconds after showing them to the living room. So…because she was shot with a silver bullet, she is a werewolf? There’s a bit of a flaw in this logic. I mean, she IS a werewolf–but not BECAUSE you shot her with a silver bullet and downed her ass! A bullet of any metal would likely drop a 110 pound person! He continues to explain that werewolves live among us in secret and that Karen was investigating one such faction of lycanthropes who, upon discovering her intentions, made her into a werewolf. Then she arranged her own murder–like ya’ do. To prove his case he shows them the last scene from The Howling, poorly re-enacted, in which Karen “turns” on live television.
The effects are pretty weak, but pretty damn funny! Mariana (Marsh Hunt; Dracula A. D. 1972, The Sender), the hot black werewolf, transforms into an ugly mongoloid that drools slimy blood and slowly looks back and forth like a gorilla with a learning disability.
She looks like she was Sloth’s prom date in The Goonies.
Mariana is a special werewolf, immune to silver and good taste, but vulnerable to titanium and leathery hooker outfits. Just to be clear of how ridiculous this movie is, to kill this werewolf you must drive a titanium stake through her heart. That’s technically harder than killing a vampire! Worse yet, if the coroner removes it she would evidently spring back to life. Lucian could have used this chick in the Underworld series! Oh, but they’re vulnerable to holy water. How vampy is this nonsense?
Stirba (Sybil Danning, who was robbed of Oscar nominations for Warrior Queen and Amazon Women on the Moon) is the werewolf leader. Stirba is about to celebrate her 10,000th birthday on which something interesting will supposedly happen. Until then, these werewolves all look like hobos without health insurance suffering from advanced leprosy. They’re groaty, ugly messes and you’d have no idea they were werewolves if you had just switched stations.
Stefan, Ben and Jenny travel to Transylvania to stop Stirba…from turning 10,000, I guess. What a coincidence! Mariana was also heading that way to have uber-wolf babies to fuel the revolution.
Stirba runs a tight ship. She lives in a castle with an indoor bonfire surrounded by coven members in leather dominatrix apparel complete with bare breasts and thongs chanting like Temple of Doom monks to Conan-like leather drum beats. They seem to be performing religious rites using a blood-soaked virgin to revive Stirba from a crusty old witch to an STD-free stripper who uses sorcery, finger lasers and cleavage to transform the members of her pack into excessively ugly werewolves. We also find skull walls, wooden cages and an in-house 80s pop band entertaining an orgy which Stirba hosts and oversees from her slut throne. It’s all quite high society chic.
The special effects are all over the place, but always subpar and hilarious–compared to The Howling anyway. We see werewolves that look like tall, angry leprechauns, others like sasquatches, rabid orangutans or Neanderthals and a few that actually look like a wolf-man hybrid. But, like The Howling, they keep shit classy with some mid-coitus transformation action–a threesome actually. Stirba, Mariana and Vlad (Judd Omen; Dune, C.H.U.D. II Bud the Chud) basically twitch and hiss like zombies as they get hairier and hairier while laying naked next to and/or on top of one another. You know, classy!
The performances by our three star protagonists are wooden at best, matched only by the supporting cast’s gross inability to carry a line. To make things yet more funny (and NUTS!) some really random shit goes down in this movie that is never explained and you can tell that the filmmakers never batted an eye at it.
1) At one point you’ll find yourself asking “Did Christopher Lee just throw a MF’n holy hand grenade?” The answer, apparently, is YES.
2) Stirba has a pet killer mutant dragon-bat that actually mouthrapes one of Stefan’s men to death. I guess she stole it from the Game of Thrones chick when she wasn’t looking. Why mouthrape and monster rape were so prevalent in 80s monster horror (e.g., Xtro, Galaxy of Terror, The Kindred, Humanoids from the Deep, Breeders), I have no clue.
This thing looks like a stillborn pterodactyl.
3) Stefan is somehow Stirba’s MF’n brother!!! WTF!?! He’s in his early 60s. Before she ate a virgin’s soul she was like 90. After, somewhere looking amazing in her topless 30s. Other than finding out that they are brother and sister we receive ZERO explanation. This probably won Best Screenplay in ’85.
The movie ends with the most anticlimactic climax ever! And then a painfully awful attempt at a tongue-in-cheek ending. The only thing this movie did right was show you the same clip of Sybil Danning ripping off her top over and over again like the instant replay button was stuck. Really, like 15-20 times in the last three minutes of the movie. That, and the 20 pairs of breasts to remind us of why we liked horror during our “hair down there” years.
Trusted horror comrade @LucioFulciFan (https://twitter.com/LucioFulciFan) best captured the “near-horror” accomplished in this movie by saying “It has some almost creepy moments.” To his credit, I agree when he says “how the whole movie gives off that isolated feeling no matter where it’s based in each scene.”
While it’s all 100% awful, everything about this movie made me smile. If you love horror and could use a good laugh, treat yourself to this little slice of 80s Heaven.
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Howling (2012), which is frustratingly NOT a werewolf movie!
MY CALL: I thought I was in for a werewolf movie; like a Korean reimagining of The Howling (1981) starring a Korean genre superstar…wrong! This is basically an R-rated Korean Lifetime Network movie about a serial killer canine. I’d skip this even if you’re a Kang-ho Song fan and especially skip it if you’re in the mood for a werewolf movie. I really wish they had went with the alternate title The Killer Wolf so that I could have avoided wasting my time! ALTERNATE TITLE: The Killer Wolf. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: The Howling (1981) or Thirst (2009); both completely unrelated to this movie.
So, I saw this movie on Netflix and, judging by the cover/movie poster, I thought “cool, this is a werewolf movie.” It’s title is even suspiciously similar to an amazing werewolf movie (e.g., The Howling) and Kang-ho Song has done both a monster movie and a vampire movie in the last several years. So this pick felt like a Netflix no-brainer on a rainy Sunday evening.
The experienced Detective Sang-gil, played by Korean genre film superstar Kang-ho Song (Thirst, The Good, the Bad and the Weird, The Host, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance), reluctantly teams up with fledgling Detective Eun-young (Na-yeung Lee). She’s young, cute and single, but Sang really wants nothing to do with this partnership and only accepts her for the sake of looking good for an upcoming promotion. Sang has issues with authority, a heavy dose of pessimism, and a lone wolf attitude.
The two are assigned to the possible suicide of a man who burned to death with drugs in his system and a dog bite on his thigh. Early in the investigation an ignition device is found which suggests a possible homicide. As they continue, Sang takes every opportunity to subordinate Eun-young or joke at her expense.
This movie is a hardly tolerable cop movie about a wolf-dog that murders bad guys to exact its trainer’s revenge. I’ll say that again in plain English… This is basically an R-rated Korean Lifetime Network movie about a serial killer canine. By the time I realized that this was NOT a werewolf movie, I was already halfway through this mess. Despite my disappointment that this was not what I was expecting, I can’t help but to be surprised that Kang-ho Song was in something that I didn’t like. I like this guy in EVERYTHING. Everything, that is, except for this.
This shit actually looks like a still from “Lassie: Lost in Manhattan.”
I’m not even going to continue reviewing this. It wasn’t good. The murder mystery wasn’t satisfying. The story wasn’t interesting. The wolf dog attacks, with one 8-second exception, were a waste of film. I wish I could just unsee this.
If you’re not going to give me this…
Then at least give me a little of this.
Instead I basically just got this…but without the satisfying gore. BOOOO!
Now, if you read the blurb about this on Netflix, you would not find the word werewolf. I mean, it said “while investigating a murder case, a detective brushes off his new partner’s concern that a bite mark on a victem means something strange is afoot.” That sure as shit sounds like this is going to be a werewolf movie to me! And it’s called “The Howling!” Makes me think of The Howling! How about you? Oh, the beauty of false advertising.
Anyway, I’d skip this even if you’re a Kang-ho Song fan and especially skip it if you’re in the mood for a werewolf movie. I really wish they had went with the alternate title The Killer Wolf so that I could have avoided wasting my time!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Howling (1981), the second best werewolf movie of all time!
MY CALL: Werewolves taken seriously and done well! I can still watch and enjoy this movie alongside new releases–and not because it’s so bad it’s good, but because it’s just plain good! This is the second best werewolf movie ever made–behind An American Werewolf in London (also 1981). IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Before turning to the silly, unrelated sequels in this franchise (e.g., Howling 3: The Marsupials) which number up to part VI or VII plus a remake/reboot, aim for An American Werewolf in London (1981; undisputedly the greatest werewolf movie EVER), An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), Cursed (2005) or The Company of Wolves (1984). None of these movies take themselves seriously like The Howling. But they manage to do a good job honoring werewolves with their own distinct sense of flavor and/or farce. FOR THE SUPERFANS: There are a lot of major familiar faces in this movie. The director also took every possible chance to throw wolf cartoons, movies and books in the background, werewolf movie directors’ names for characters, etc. throughout. This could make for a great horror geek drinking game!
After a stalker (Robert Picardo; Legend, Munchies, 976-Evil) attacks newscaster Karen (Dee Wallace; E.T., Cujo, Critters, Hansel and Gretel), she is a wreck–she can’t work, she can’t sleep. As a form of rest-and-relaxation therapy, Dr. Wagner (Patrick Macnee; Bloodsuckers, Waxwork, Waxwork 2) prescribes some time at ‘the colony.’ So she and her husband Bill (Christopher Stone; Cujo) venture to this hospitable, beachside, group-therapy retreat run by Dr. Wagner.
The locals are a mixture of odd, inbred, occult and hillbilly–but generally friendly. Colony locals Marsha (Elisabeth Brooks; Deep Space) and Erle (John Carradine; Buried Alive, The Nesting, The Sentinel) serve as harbingers that something strange is going on…you see, they’re all werewolves!
Annnnnd, that’s the plot.
Meanwhile, Karen’s colleague Terry (Belinda Balaski; The Food of the Gods, Piranha, Gremlins) is investigating werewolves with her boyfriend. Why? Because Karen’s stalker had weird werewolf drawings–including a werewolfed-up Karen–all over his apartment. Evidently, he was a werewolf! Under the guidance of used bookstore owner Dick Miller (Piranha, Gremlins), they watch old movies, read up on lycanthropy. Then Terry joins Karen and Bill at the colony while Terry’s boyfriend rounds up some silver bullets.
Yeah. This makes sense. I often seek sage advice from used bookstore owners in small towns. Especially when dealing with all things supernatural. Totally normal.
The build-up is long and slow, but things get moving when Bill is attacked by a werewolf during a display of non-CGI, creature costume effects that today’s standards find laughable. Suddenly Bill, a vegetarian, is eating meat and loving it and succumbing to the sexual draw of “the beast within.” Keeping in step with sex and the beast, the first transformation scene is mid-coitus. On camera we see incisors elongate, but otherwise the camera looks away, then returns to a yet hairier, now contact-lensed Bill. The effects turn to crude “wide angle” silhouette animation. It’s awful in terms of effects quality, but in its 80s horror-ness, it is not without some charm. Further indicative of budgetary and technological limitations, we largely see only the head or only the claw or arm of a werewolf during attack scenes earlier in the movie. Again, though, with an 80s horror appeal to it.
[wide camera angle]
Grrr! I’m animated now!
However, breaking away from typical 80s limitations, we do eventually see many good shots of “whole” werewolves. I must say, for 1981 (or even today!!!), it looks really impressive and rather cool even next to more recent releases using CGI (Underworld Awakening) or costume/make-up (Cursed). It’s more lean, tall, shaggy and rough looking; more sinister and monstrous than simply a man-wolf hybrid. This really may be the scariest looking werewolf ever. They did a damn good job!!!
The gore is not abundant in the first hour, but several scenes delivers some cool, gross, slimy effects after the hour mark. I should also add that, like what more we see of the creatures later in the movie, we likewise will see more provocative transformations with pulsating skin and elongating jaws. We see a long transformation that the director really wanted us to enjoy, much as in The Company of Wolves (1984) or An American Werewolf in London (1981). They’re fun celebrations of slimy latex prostheses.
Director Joe Dante (Piranha, Gremlins) took a new approach to the werewolf movie and it worked. Dante gives us werewolves that regenerate at a “realistic” speed with their classic vulnerability to silver, but unlike most movies of the time, he presented werewolves as a subspecies living in a group, like a wolf pack. Other approaches up to that time were limited to single, cursed individuals depicting werewolves. These depictions were very Jekyll and Hyde, with the afflicted individual having no control or recollection of the actions of the wolf. In The Howling, lycanthropy is still a transmittable affliction, but it alters the psychology of the afflicted rather than adding an altogether new and mutually exclusive personality.
The ending is cool–and even gets farcically ripped in Howling 3: The Marsupials. Make sure you see this classic. Even effects whores will be happy with the gore, transformations and make-up work which stand the test of time.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Birdemic: Shock and Terror
I’m gonna let Joel McHale introduce this film:
Birdemic has joined the ranks of Troll 2, The Room and Miami Connection as an absolutely bonkers film that is so bad it has become classic. Bad Movie enthusiasts all around the world have latched on to the story of a robotic acting young man and his battle to thwart a birdemic caused by global warming.
Birdemic is a classic tale of man vs. nature. Coat hanger vs. acid spewing vulture. Bare feet vs. dirty carpet. I loved every moment of the long stares, bird explosions and five minute driving montages. If I watched this film without prior knowledge of it’s cult I would have turned it off in disgust and intrigue. However, knowing of the bad moments I was able to surf the wave of incompetence and enjoy the ride. I feel like the director skipped film school 101 and instead relied upon his delusions of grandeur. His delusions were so earnest that you totally understand the message of the film. However, the message is buried beneath wonky sound, kooky editing and birds who sound like airplanes crashing.
The film centers around a guy who just sold his business for 1,000,000,000. He drives a Mustang that gets 100 MPG and he has very expensive solar panels. He also delivers his lines like a robot and fights angry birds with a coat hanger. He meets woman in a diner whom he glares at for 30 seconds and the two engage in a very uncomfortable conversation that ends with “you will look great in those lingerie.” The two go on a date to an empty diner where they are serenaded by a man and his song “hanging out with my family.” The two dance uncomfortably then find themselves in the dirtiest hotel ever. Eventually, the birds attack and this scene happens.
Writing a review for this film is impossibly because it defies all film making logic. There is no need to critique it because that would be too easy. I listened to the How Did This Get Made edition of the film and actress Whitney Moore spilled a bunch of juicy tidbits about the film. It was filmed over the course of a year the director didn’t talk to her for half of the film and he wanted to save the world via bird attack awareness. Nguyen’s earnest attempt at global warming awareness worked in the opposite way. Bad movie aficionados have latched onto the film and the birdemic attack is spreading around the world. Either this is smart film making or dumb luck.
Birdemic is fantastic in a good bad way. There is nothing accomplished about it. However, the straight forward attempt at a message has created a perfect storm of bad cinema. There are thousands of terrible films made. Some try to make bad movies. Some make boring bad movies. James Nguyen unintentionally created a film so bad it exploded through the cinema ozone and unleashed an amazing birdemic of epic proportions and dead dirty vultures that are mistaken for eagles.
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Django Unchained
Django Unchained is straight forward, linear and full of blood. It is the story of a German bounty hunter who frees a slave named Django and together they travel to a plantation called Candie land to find Django’s wife. Along the way you find out the early KKK members weren’t savvy about eye holes, people explode when shot and Sam Jackson is best when in Tarantino films. I think Jackson should have received the supporting actor nomination because he is a the most dangerous snake amongst deadly snakes. His over the top shtick is a ruse that covers up his intelligence. Sam Jackson proves that he can still surprise the audience without the help of large CGI sharks eating him after a monologue.
Django is a exploitation film that delivers on every level. Tarantino is the king of verbal mayhem and bullet wounds. When Tarantino is hitting all cylinders it is like nothing else in the cinematic world. His dialogue scenes are marvels of shifting power, monologues and intense intensity. Since Django is a straightforward revenge film the suspense isn’t palatable like in True Romance, Pulp Fiction or Inglorious Basterds. You know that many will die and revenge will be had. The point is the journey and not the destination. You are spending time with the best of the worst. Tarantino has a knack of making killers likable and insane folk riveting.
Jamie Foxx reminded me of Russell Crowe in Gladiator. The roles are different but each man held the screen with a believable amount of bad ass. Foxx is a legitimate threat who is tutored by the best. The only problem is that he takes a page out of the Tom Cruise play book and finds himself a perfectly tailored jacket in the backwoods south.
Christoph Waltz won a Golden Globe and was nominated for his role as the bounter hunter King Shultz. Waltz is the outsider to the brutal world of slavery and murder. He may be a killer but he isn’t a slaver. I think he is the first Tarantino character to show revulsion to his surroundings. Watching him at Dicaprio’s murder plantation brought out another level to an already wonderful performance. Watching an elite killer squirm is what Tarantino excels at. It reminded me of how Tim Roth realized he was out of his league when he meets Sam Jackson’s character in Pulp Fiction. There is always someone who is more of a “bad motherf***er” than you. Also, kudos to Tarantino for including Justified’s Walton Goggins to the bloody fray.
It is nice having Dicaprio back in a supporting performance. He is always at his best when he is a side character in a world full of interesting characters. He is able to match his roles in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Departed. His character Calvin Candie grew up privileged and his brutality is supported by the terrible people around him. He is not a tough presence. However, he knows a lot of people who have no problem killing people. He has a childish entitlement that is supported by his murderous crew, bountiful fortune and lack of a threat.
As always Tarantino fills his world with a plethora of fantastic character actors who are clearly relishing their roles. Word on the street is that there is a five hour cut floating around and I’d love to see it on the eventual Uber blu ray. Tarantino once again pops in for a cameo as an idiotic Australian and his hands on directing and boundless prose are influential staples of American cinema.
Django Unchained is blood soaked, revenge laden and ultra cool. It was a surprise to see a linear film unfold in front of my eyes. I would love to see an Expendables type film where Hugo Stiglitz and Aldo Raine (Inglorious) Jules Winfield (Pulp), Jackie Brown, The Bride and Budd (Kill Bill) and Mr. Blonde(Reservoir) kill some very well spoken villains.
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John’s Horror Corner: Cursed (2005)
MY CALL: Put basically, if Cruel Intentions (1999) was a werewolf movie…one of Wes Craven’s finer bubble gum horror outings. There’s a whole lotta’ dumb in this flick, but it’s all in good fun. [C+] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Easy. An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) is the perfect follow up to this, though a little more fun-loving at times and generally intentionally funny. While something of a remake of An American Werewolf in London (1981), Paris is more with the times and has more similar plot and character elements. Also, perhaps the Scy-Fy network show Being Human (2011-2013).
Jenny (Mya) and Becky (Scream Queen Shannon Elizabeth; Night of the Demons, Thirteen Ghosts) visit a sexy fortune teller (Portia de Rossi; Mockingbird Lane, Nip/Tuck) who divines a rather unfortunate palm reading for these girls. They’re in “danger.” Way to rip on the classics!
Straight out of the I Know What You Did Last Summer playbook, Ellie (Christina Ricci; AfterLife, Sleepy Hollow) and Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg; Zombieland, The Village) lose control of their car after hitting a “dog or something” and accidently run a car off the road and down a cliff in the woods during a full moon—it’s always a full moon when people die isn’t it? Poor Shannon Elizabeth. Before she had time to exchange insurance information she was dragged to her death by a big bad wolf just like that surprisingly cute gypsy said.
“You think she’s gonna’ be okay?”
Scratched during the encounter, Eisenberg goes all modern day Teen Wolf and does some Google research on werewolves to learn more about his possible fate. When he wakes up naked on the front lawn the next morning, we know it’s official. We have ourselves an awkward teen werewolf. Ricci, also scathed from the event, now has violent dreams and heightened senses. That’s two new to the pack.
Ricci works with Kyle (Michael Rosenbaum; Urban Legend, Smallville) and a very catty Joanie (Judy Greer; Carrie, The Village). Also, Ricci’s dating Jake (Joshua Jackson; Shutter, Urban Legend, Fringe). It’s all very relationship-y; people need space, have unrealistic crushes, and consult oracles about boyfriend commitment issues. Despite that, and much more to my delight, gorgeous women get slaughtered in this flick.
You cannot escape the Cruel Intentions vibe. You have the parentless brother and sister werewolves which, adding to the werewolf mythos, have a preternatural sexual allure. Love interests, flirting and cattiness abound. Joshua Jackson is in it. And, like its classic Wolfman counterpart, we stick to tradition with the silver handled cane, the mark of the beast, pentacles, more silver, meat cravings, and unnerved dogs. They cover the classic bases. There’s even a scene where they’re discussing werewolves in front of a wax werewolf representing the classic Wolfman.
The gore is nice. But what stands out is the “fun” factor of this flick. We see Shannon Elizabeth’s upper half crawl away from her lower half, gaping neck wounds, and a sloppy decapitation. Like Freddy, our werewolf does the scratchy claw thing to drum up fear. We even have a “werewolf dog” and a wall-crawling teen with new powers and a new edgy haircut he shows off for the girls like Tobey MacGuire. This all ends in a cheesy bro-hug from his high school nemesis and then he gets the girl. Pretty much a happy ending.
Sorry, Shannon. You’re beyond help at this point.
EFFECTS: Van Helsing (2004) came out at about the same time and has a notably superior werewolf of entirely CGI. In Cursed they were going for the same overall look (about 7’ and 350+ lbs-ish) and speed, but used a guy in a suit most of the time. Except, of course, for the transformations scene which were hardly cool, interesting or acceptable. Didn’t matter much, though. Actresses, mid-catfight and shit-talking, hardly needs a top-notch transformation for me to be happy with their scenes.
In defense of Shannon Elizabeth: Why doesn’t this beautiful, capable actress get more work? You can tell me that she was annoying in Cursed but hey, reality check, she was playing a twentysomething who was willing to consult a carnival fortune teller for relationship advice. I’m pretty sure any such girl would be “annoying.” So, it sounds to me like she did her job perfectly. Oh, she didn’t “wow” you? Well just what about that role was suggestive that she would?
Kudos to Jesse Eisenberg: Between this and Zombieland, he has made it possible for awkwardly skinny Jewish kids to survive horror movies.
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This is 40
This is 40 is unpredictable yet predictable. It is a Judd Apatow film to the fullest and maxes out the running time yet never overstays its welcome. It is easily the most critically divided of his four films. The 40 Year Old Virgin 86%, Knocked Up 90%, Funny People 68% and now 40 is at 51% on Rotten Tomatoes. I hate breaking down films to numbers but I find the downward slope interesting. If you look at Judd’s first two films they focused on lovable shlubs whom embark on different sexual ventures which push them towards maturity. What followed were lessons learned, hair removed and multiple cases of pink eye. Take a look at the early posters and you will notice a successful trend.
You cheered for the men and women in the films because their situations were not caused by selfishness or mistakes. Their problems were universal in odd and humorous ways. There was excessive improvisation in both but it never felt gratuitous. Now, that critics and moviegoers know Apatow’s shtick they have become less forgiving towards the running time and mixture of disjointed scenes that fill out the movie. This is 40 is not a film about misfits, shlubs or depressed movie stars. It is the story of two people who love each other yet struggle with getting old and all that goes with it.
I understand the backlash of This is 40. There is a scene where Paul Rudd is crying in his car over financial woes. The problem is that he is sitting in a beautiful BMW that many less fortunate people dream about owning. His house is beautiful and he has a $30,000 neon sign in his office. It becomes grating watching him hide his problems while everything else gets worse around him. The biggest problem I have with Rudd is that tries to push Alice in Chains Snub the Rooster on his family. I grew up in the grunge era and that song always hurt my soul and I longed for Collective Soul or Pearl Jam songs to get the warbling Rooster out of my system.
There are moments in the film that ring true. For instance, after a massive fight Rudd and Mann look at each other and wonder “why do we fight.” The two love each other immensely yet can’t help but fight over every little thing. They laugh about the fight then fight about something dumb. Their small arguments mask the larger issues going on around them. While she is angry that he is eating muffins she doesn’t know he has given his father $80,000. Of course, after much dialogue the two move towards the next chapter of their marriage.
My problem with This is 40 is that there is zero subtetly. Co-writer John joked that The Dark Knight Rises directors commentary would feature Christopher Nolan saying absolutely nothing because he said it all on screen. Apatow gives you everything and more in form of articulate arguments, long monologues and no thought unspoken. When you are told everything it takes the fun out of it. You are a passive audience member listening to characters tell you the entire story. It all sounds very ‘written.” There are neat truthful moments and if you’ve been in a relationship you’ve experienced the highs, lows and arguments that are totally unnecessary. I had no problem with the disjointed scenes and random moments that make up this film. Life rarely fits into a three part structure. However, This is 40 seems overproduced because of the source material. In Knocked Up Rudd/Mann’s relationship was fun because of the mystery involved (not like in the poster above). Mann thought Rudd was cheating but found out he was sneaking out to fantasy league drafts and Spider Man. The Spider Man revelation lead to the neat line “I like Spiderman.”
I appreciated This is 40. I understood it but I won’t watch it again. I bet it was a blast to film and it seems like everybody making it thought it was great. Check out the bloopers on Funny or Die.
Apatow films always had an aura of surprise but not with this one. He finally reached into an overproduced world of two characters who talk way too much. I loved seeing Jason Segel and Chris O’Dowd hitting on Megan Fox though.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: 2013 Predictions
2013 is going to be the year of witch hunters, evil dead, huge battles, spaceships, fast zombies, self aware zombies, leather jackets, giants and axe fights. These all sound awesome but could be too good to be true. I’ve learned over the years that “too good to be true” is not always good. If this was true then Aliens Vs. Predator, Aliens Vs. Predator Requiem, and Predators would be the greatest trilogy ever. Sadly, they are all soul crushing, incoherent and feature Adrien Brody doing the tough guy voice.
2013 is a bizarre year of cinema. It will be dominated by delayed films, 16 Nic Cage and Dolph Lundgren movies and another sequel to Die Hard. Many things will blow up. budgets are huge, sequels are many and Evil Dead will be remade. 2013 is a year that could prove fatal for comic book adaptations as cinema goers will be inundated with what feels like thousands of them. Also, the fantasy genre has gotten a major boost yet some of the biggest offerings like Jack the Giant Slayer and Hansel and Gretel are certain to fall short of reaching the top of the financial bean stock. A-list celebrities are joining in the fantasy meleee. Brad Pitt is in the much maligned World War Z, Will Smith is in M. Night’s After Earth and Rachel Weisz will be an angry witch in Oz. Just researching the films coming in 2013 has given me CGI fatigue.
The following is a list of 2013 predictions that will appease the bad movie gods and give you something to look forward to. Sit back, relax and enjoy the list.
1. I’m predicting this will be John’s (workout fanatic, squat weight poster on Facebook) favorite movie of 2013, 2014 and 2015.
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2. 2013 is going to be great for Nicolas Cage. He has nine films that could possibly be released in 2013. He chases around John Cusack in Frozen Ground. His film Outcast has the synopsis “A mysterious warrior teams up with the daughter and son of a deposed Chinese Emperor to defeat their cruel Uncle, who seeks their deaths.” Also, Marble City has this tagline “A prisoner leaves jail and seeks out those that placed him inside.”
2013 will be the year of Cage! I’m waiting for the day where he and Cusack play brothers who battle Dolph Lundgren and Scott Adkins before they team up and destroy an evil Eric Roberts. I’m also looking forward for the patented Nice Cage grimace and run.
3. The Lone Ranger will be a $250 train wreck. I like that Gore Verbinski is back with Johnny Depp but the film had massive production problems, took 140 days to film and will have to make $800 million to break even after advertising and promotion. The excess seems unnecessary and watching Depp be zany isn’t what it used to be.
4. Sylvester Stallone will have an axe fight with Jason Mamoa in 2013. There is nothing bad about axe fights. However, the film Bullet to the Head looks kinda iffy. Seems like a vehicle for Sly to show off his abs and make jokes about how old he is. The best part is that Khal Drogo and Han from the Fast series are in the film.
5. World War Z will be incredibly frustrating and loaded with unnecessary CGI. I read the book World War Z and this seems like a very loose adaptation. It was scheduled to be released in 2012 but had seven weeks of reshoots and Drew Goodard (Cabin in the Woods) had to rewrite the ending. Also, the zombies move like they chugged a pitcher of red bull that was mixed with Surge soda and cocaine. There is no hope for humanity if zombies run like Usain Bolt. They are like a tidal wave of fast dead people that climb on top of each other to scale walls. I am still going to watch the film because I love zombie apocalypses. The best thing this film has going is the low expectations.
6. Keanu Reeves will star in a massive samurai epic called 47 Ronin. I am really curious to see if a $150+ million samurai epic starring Reeves will be awesome. I love the gamble and the curiosity factor. I want to know who green lit this film because it sounds bonkers. I’m assuming it will make millions overseas but I am curious to see how well it does.
7. Dolph Lundgren will star in Battle of the Dammed, Tomb of the Dragon, Rush, Rescue 3 and Blood of Redemption. In Blood of Redemption he is playing a guy called “The Swede.” Dolph Lundgren finally embraces hipster glasses in 2013 too.
8. Fast 6 will break the land speed record of awesomeness. Fast Five mastered awesome dumb. Hopefully, Fast Six will perfect dumb. I will bet you that Paul Walker and Tyrese say “bruh” at least 36 times. How many “bruhs” do you think there will be?
9. Why are they making a sequel to Insidious? I love that movie and it ended perfectly. I dig that they are bringing back the entire cast but it feels like a cash grab. My worst nightmares will be realized when they make a sequel to Devil and Drag Me To Hell as well. I don’t want this guy to be less scary.
10. GI Joe: Retaliation will be the most bonkers film of 2013. It was set to be released in 2012 but it was pushed back to 2013 so they could add 3D and more Channing Tatum. The preview didn’t offer much hope because of the longest well climbing scene ever and Bruce Willis being Bruce Willis. The mountain ninjas might look cool in 3D though. The good news is that Tyra from Friday Night Lights has a big role. I hope it works better for her than the other movie where she is pictured holding guns fashionably.
11. The boldest claim of 2013. I don’t know if I want to watch something terrifying. The only time I was terrified by a movie was Ernest Scared Stupid and that film made a young me have nightmares for over a month.
12. Most depressing trailer of 2013. The Scary Movie series has never been great but it hasn’t depressed me either. Scary Movie 5 has gone into Meet the Spartans territory. Watching Charlie Sheen get his nuts smooshed isn’t as funny as it used to be.
13. Hansel and Gretel will join Mummy 3, Indiana Jones 4 and Deep Blue Sea as my favorite guilty pleasures.
14. Identity Theft will feature the most throat punches of 2013
15. Leatherface will finally jump the guy who is jumping the shark. I never knew he had a collection of weapons. Watching Leatherface pick a chainsaw like a movie at Redbox is the least terrifying thing they could have him do.
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John’s Horror Corner: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
MY CALL: I wasn’t at all thrilled with this movie as a Texas Chainsaw movie, but I generally LOVED it as a bad horror flick! It had a great story idea, but a combination of poor delivery/execution and a departure from The Texas Chainsaw “family values” guillotined its potential. [B for a horror flick] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: There are six other Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies. Get started. But maybe skip the stillborn 1994 reboot. Also, please enjoy The Cabin in the Woods–it explains why most of this stuff happens.
A very inexperienced director (John Luessenhop; Takers) has failed to continue delivering the well-pedigreed success of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise reboot. While many people complain about the reboot remake in 2003 and the follow-up prequel The Beginning (2006), they followed in the tradition of brutally torturing and psychologically flaying young groups of off-the-trail road trippers surrounded by “holy shit” moments. Whether you loved them or hated them, and for whatever reason, you winced and gritted your teeth while trying not to look away. This latest installment neither made me wince nor flinch. The scares were hardly present, I never had a sense of suspense or dread or terror, and the brutality was outstandingly minimal compared to all other Texas Chainsaw movies. Clearly, the branding was lost.
Heather (Alexandra Daddario; the Percy Jackson movies) learns that her grandmother willed her a Texas mansion in a small town. This also comes with the discovery that she was stolen, not adopted, by her “parents.” She travels to visit her newly inherited manor with her friends Ryan (Trey Songz), Nikki (Tania Raymonde; Lost, Chillerama) and Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sánchez; True Blood), and they pick up shockingly friendly hitchhiker Carl (Scott Eastwood; Trouble with the Curve) on the way.
These kids aren’t great actors. But they do fine. And Heather and Nikki are off the charts hot! So hot, in fact, that all camera angles meant to frame “the cast” actually use Nikki’s ass as the foreground and Heather’s abby, cropped-shirt stomach as the background, with the male characters somewhere in between. LOL. This is NOT a joke at all and it happens multiple times. [This may sound like negative criticism, but it’s not. I love it!]
Heather (Alexandra Daddario) and Nikki (Tania Raymonde).
Heather (Alexandra Daddario)
This young group reaches the manor and decides to stay, party and explore. While doing this, they basically follow The Cabin in the Woods playbook. Two characters wander off alone. People discover things like secret doors and investigate by themselves. They play loud music so Ryan (played by Trey Songz) can’t hear his friend dying over the Trey Songz hit “Ladies and the Drinks.” Nikki drinks, does drugs and tries to seduce her best friend’s boyfriend out in the barn–THE BARN!!! Oh, and Heather tests the audience’s patience by seeing how many times she can fall while being chased. [This may sound like negative criticism, but it’s not. I love it!]
Nikki (Tania Raymonde) sinning with Ryan (Trey Songz).
Why is all this happening? Because evidently Leatherface still lives there. Should Heather have known that? Well, maybe. Her grandmother left her an important letter which she never got around to reading until the end of the movie.
The action finale is more of an understated “fight” than a blaringly loud, desperate, blood and sweat-drenched chase scene–which branded the franchise in horror fans’ psyches. This struck me as a MAJOR mistake. It was not only done poorly, but even done “well” it was terribly ill-suited for the Leatherface character they built up in this film. Thankfully, the not-so-twisty twist at the end made up for it with good intentions on the writers’ part. A sequel or additional installment of some sort is obviously on its way, but I hope they return to the family dynamic of past installments that just seemed to make the “sickness” of The Texas Chainsaw series work.
LEATHERFACE: In this film his character goes largely unexplained. Past movies use family bullying, psychological manipulation and sexual undertones to explain what drives this lug and aims his rage. All we learn in this movie is that he’s obsessed with masking himself in human flesh and, in about 15 seconds of the movie, it’s suggested that he may feminize himself with make-up and women’s clothing.
THE STORY: The writers managed to construct an interesting, plausible story linking the end of the first movie of the “original franchise” with this reboot installment. The story elements are actually much cooler than previous installments had to offer. However, the poor presentation of the horror, terror, brutality, surreal macabre, and psychological torture that branded the original franchise just wasn’t here–rendering these impressive story ideas less effective. This was unfortunate.
TIMELINE: This movie serves as a present day setting sequel to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) as if the original franchise sequels 2 & 3 and then The Next Generation (1994) never happened. But can we just point out that the lead actress is 26, she looks younger, she’s probably playing a character younger than 26, and the original Texas Chainsaw movie (1974) came out 39 years ago when her lead character was between 6 and 12 months old. Now, hey, I get that today’s movie releases may “take place” 10 or 20 years in the past. But the local police cars in this movie are all low-jacked with locations presented on an HDTV at HQ and a cop provides a live video feed with his SmartPhone. So, yes, it takes place NOW. So either our lead chick looks AMAZING at 40 years old or the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) took place about 14 years in the future–for no apparent reason whatsoever. Nope, that’s out, too. Heather saw a newspaper article about the original “massacre” in a police evidence box.
Guess who?
THE GORE: It was abundant. But there really wasn’t so much for a Texas Chainsaw movie, and it was often delivered with less of a cringing intensity. There were oodles of blood trails (from dragging bodies), but not so much in the way of actively drawing blood and opening wounds spewing about. A lot was presented after the fact or more in the background of the shot rather than the focus of the camera angle (e.g., when Leatherface is amputating limbs on his work table). There was also basically no torture, just flat out killing for the most part, with no lead in of terror, toying or torture. The major exception to all this was a very satisfying face-peeling scene–that was my major wincing “ooooh weee” scene.
CAMEOS: A small victory for fans of the franchise is that familiar faces like Gunnar Hanson (stock footage Leatherface; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) cameos as one of the two actors playing Jed “Leatherface” Sawyer and Bill Mosely (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2; The Devil’s Rejects) cameos as Drayton Miller during the intro flashback scenes. Even the young local Deputy Darryl (Shaun Sipos; Final Destination 2, The Grudge 2, Lost Boys: The Tribe) will likely be recognized by horror regulars.
3-D: I saw this in 3D and, sadly, the 3D added nothing too it. Some people generally find 3D more exciting and they may appreciate it. However, spectacles were more often obscured than enhanced by the 3D filming, especially blood. The fact that this was presented in 3D, of course, warranted that Leatherface attack “the camera” with his chainsaw so that we’d be all “oooooh shit, it’s coming right for us!”
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