Movies, Films & Flix Preview: Frozen Ground
Hello all. Mark here.
Amazing news for you. Nic Cage and John Cusack will be playing the worlds strangest cat and mouse game. The two oddest characters in Hollywood will be chasing each other around the frozen Alaskan tundra. Nic Cage is a cop and Cusack is a killer. They are joined by 50 Cent and Vanessa Hudgens.
I have an odd fact for you. 2012 Cusack is playing a killer in two films featuring kids from High School Musical. Vanessa Hudgens plays a prostitute in Frozen Ground and Zac Efron plays a journalist in the Paper Boy. Both of these movies will gross $7.
From the images I’ve seen I can promise two things. Nicolas Cage will be bored and John Cusack will be squirrelly.
Bored looking at decomposed mutilated body.
Bored smoking.
Deep thoughts while crouching in woods.
Deep thoughts while staring out a window and using an outdated telephone.
What else can you ask for? Frozen Ground will be the second greatest film ever….starring John Cusack and Nic Cage…Con Air was awesome.
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MY CALL: This aptly named episodic doesn’t take itself too seriously—or seriously at all, really. Its highly inappropriate gross-out humor smacks of Kaufman’s Troma films. So don’t go watching this with your mother. The dialogue is littered with poorly executed horror clichés-gone-wrong, blatant sexual innuendo and raunchy harbingers of T’n’A to come. You know this is going to be awful, but you also know that the filmmakers were intentionally making something awful. The question is whether or not they succeeded at making something so bad it’s good. Not really. I laughed here and there, but mostly felt guilty for watching this smut. I’ll say it again just so that you truly understand what this is: filthy SMUT! IF YOU LIKE THIS, THEN WATCH: Troma films or Tokyo Shock flicks (e.g., Helldriver). WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Trick ‘r Treat (2007), the Creepshow series (1982, 1987, 2006), and HBO’s Tales from the Crypt (1989-96) all deliver episodic horror with decent writing and a good sense of humor—oh, and they don’t rely on smut.
This is pure, trashy nonsense. In the intro scene a man digs up his dead wife to get some “dead head,” but he gets more than he bargained for when she zombie-chomps his junk off. This guy, now penisless, goes to work at a drive-in theater where they’ll be showing the other featurettes comprising this movie. This side-story, Zom-B Movie, continues between and after the featurettes.
Wadzilla is our first featurette and it copies the “giant monster” fad of the old days. It’s about an average Joe with abnormally few, large, and sluggish sperm. After a consult with a doctor at a sperm bank, he agrees to take Spermopropene, a drug which may increase his sperm load. They make this every bit as idiotic as you’d think they could. The drug makes his sperm into giant sperm (i.e., two inches of disgustingly inappropriate sperm wriggling across the floor like a slapstick nightcrawler). The short film continues and his sperm size grows to a foot long. He literally battles one in a bathroom prior to a blind date. This rogue sperm grows rapidly, tries to rape a woman, eats a chihuahua and beheads some chick in a sock-hop skirt. This gamete-gone-wrong gets so big that they use claymation to present it to the tune of Beetlejuice’s sandworms. It continues to kill and grow. Just as this Wadzilla is humping the sultry Statue of Liberty, which gives us a striptease by the way, General Bukake (Eric Roberts) initiates “operation money shot” to save the day.
Hey, let’s tell this story with a few pictures…Sperm monster is born and man tries to flush it down the toilet. Evidently he never heard of the Alligator in the Sewer movies.
Sperm monster, in true Roger Corman spirit, succumbs to the biological imperative.
Sperm monster grows and finds new, larger mates.
Sperm monster gets nuked.
I Was a Teenage Werebear borrows from the beach movie craze of the 50s and 60s and even has a few painful musical numbers. This homoerotic tale is initiated after a bite to the ass from a blond, Elvis-ish greaser. Once aroused, such men transform into plus-sized, unmanscaped beasts. The make-up for this is utterly terrible. This is much less entertaining than Wadzilla. In the end, the recently-turned star of the story slays his maker with a big, chrome…well, you know what…to the…well, you know where. Just tasteless. Next to this, Zombie Strippers starts looking like a solid film.
I had no idea that Wilmer Valerrama was twins.
The Diary of Anne Frankenstein is in black and white, and German! These short films just seem to get worse and worse. So Adolf Hitler kills the Frank family, shortened from Frankenstein, and steals the journal of Dr. Frankenstein. Now armed with the secrets of creation, Hitler goes all mad scientist and creates a Jewish Frankenstein played by Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th parts VII-X). This was funny and the least inappropriate of the shorts. If you make it this far into the movie, listen for all of the non-German nonsense dialogue. It’s loaded with random movie references—in fact, the whole movie is filled with seriously out of place movie quotables.
After all this, Zom-B Movie comes to its horrendous conclusion with something of an exploitative nymphomaniac zombie orgy complete with necrophilia, sexualized gore and member dismemberment.
This movie, for its style and quality, has a disturbing number of recognizable actors. It’s filmed and scored as if mocking 50s-60s era horror and sci-fi and was clearly made to give exploitation film fans a satirical period piece.
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Wes Anderson Madness: Elite 8
Hello all. Mark here. The battle continues and will conclude when Moonrise Kingdom debuts. I’m stoked for both.
Here is how the bracket looks:
Mr. Fox vs. Richie Tenenbaum
Mr. Fox is an odd delight of remarkable dialogue. However, none of his scenes carry the weight of The Baumer and his troubles. If you ask any fan of Wes films they will put the Needle in the Hay or the Gandhi tennis scene in their top five. They are memorable moments in an Oscar nominated film (original screenplay).
Winner:
Anthony Adams vs. Max Fischer
Max Fischer would be on Wes Anderson’s Mt. Rushmore. However, my first experience with Wes and his characters was Anthony Adams. The wandering man who liked to jog, woo maids and diss watersports. I had never seen a character like Anthony before. It was the start of an era. Max brought the Wes world into the mainstream but Anthony was the blueprint.
Winner:
Eli Cash vs. Dignan
Eli Cash is an enigma on top of another enigma. He wears face paint, loves drugs and drives his convertible into the Tenenbaum household. Eli Cash is an older version of Dignan and I always wondered what he would become.
Winner:
Herman Blume vs. Steve Zissou
There would be no Steve Zissou without Herman Blume. Blume put Bill Murray back on the map and in Lost in Translation, Broken Flowers and Life Aquatic.
Herman Blume gives us a glimpse into the lovely randomness that is Wes Anderson. The scene where Blume blocks a childs basketball shot made a young me laugh for days.
Winner:
This scene cracks me up too.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Vow
This is a movie meant to frustrate you. It throws in thousands of roadblocks between likable leads McAdams and Tatum. It goes to such lengths to keep them apart it becomes comically frustrating.
Channing Tatum is likable because you can tell he is trying really hard. Rachel McAdams is likable because she isn’t playing her character from Midnight in Paris. Together, they form a good-looking couple who do a serviceable job in a film that is as deep as a kiddie pool and has more sap than Vermont.
This movie is meant to move the audience like a marionette. It pulls every string to capture your heart. However, there is a huge problem. You like the two actors but everything around them is absolutely ridiculous.
You sit there watching The Vow and can’t help but complain and write militant notes:
“Yikes” “The Parents are terrible people.” “What?” “horrible people” “this is the most frustrating film I’ve ever watched.” “funny hat” “Tampa dudes would never hang with Chicago hipsters” “Did he fart? Did she roll up the window to keep his fart in the car? Great woman.” “The parents are evil little turds.”
The movie centers around married couple McAdams and Tatum. On a snowy night they get hit by a snow plow and McAdams flies out of the vehicle and loses her memory of Tatum. So, naturally her estranged parents fly in and take her away forcing an extremely patient Tatum to win her back.
What follows is hours of evil parents, Scott Speedman and a plethora of hipsters. You will groan, make “psssshhhhh” sounds and want to headbutt multiple people.
All of these loud noises make the movie fun. This movie is ridiculous in a good way. The parents are so evil they need moustaches (even Jessica Lange). Scott Speedman is so oily he could slip and slide on any surface. This movie tries really hard so you can’t hate it.
The Vow is a film where people wear funny hats, don’t remember only strategic plot points and an oily dude (Speedman) with a pompadour/bouffant can woo Rachel McAdams.
The Vow is not good. The Vow is not terrible. The Vow will make you laugh and complain at the same time…..I promise you.
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The Five-Year Engagement
Relationships are a tricky thing. They can be long, short, beautiful, ugly, good, bad and hilarious. With all of these ingredients I understand how hard it is to make a relationship movie relatable. It is even harder when it is following up Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a wonderful movie . The Five Year Engagement is good with some wonderful moments.
Why the comparison to FSM? They are both collaborations between director Nicholas Stoller and writer/actor Jason Segel. Also, the movie is produced by the same people who made Funny People, Bridesmaids, Forty Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. None of these movies are short or predictable. They are full of hundreds of supporting characters, raunch and honesty.
Maybe it is Apatow fatigue that kept the audience from this movie ($10 million opening weekend). The 64% Rotten Tomatoes rating and 66% audience score spelled doom as well. I understand why the movie got a 60% but it didn’t keep me from enjoying most of it.
It is incredibly uneven, scattershot and long. These traits are not a bad thing. This is a hybrid of a film that will separate the masses. Some will think it is long others will appreciate the honesty and length. There are moments of this film I didn’t like then minutes later I found myself loving the film again. It is a rollercoaster that follows conventions yet somehow breaks them.
The plot centers around newly engaged Segel and Blunt. Segel is a chef on the rise and Blunt is a doctoral candidate. She gets accepted to the University of Michigan and the two travel there. Blunt’s career blossoms and Segel works at a popular local sandwich shop with little room for advancement. What follows are the trials, tribulations and lack of communication that keeps them away from the altar.
I look at this film like Lewis and Clark’s journey to the west. It was long and unpredictable (understatement). However, they saw some really wonderful things along the way (huge understatement). The Five-Year journey was not always great (anything with doughnuts). However, the journey was necessary to make it through the years of toil. When a movie is working I don’t see a need for it to be shorter. I actually think some movies should be longer (Tron 2). I liked the couple and wanted to see them actually figure things out even if it took two hours.
The Five-Year Engagement swings for the fences and occasionally strikes out. However, when it connects the result is big laughs and honest moments that resonate after you’ve left the theater.
The question is this. Do you want to watch forgettable fluff or a movie that provides wonderful moments amidst the chaos? I guarantee you will like the relationship between Chris Pratt and Allison Brie. They meet at the engagement party, get married and have two kids before Segal/Blunt get married.
I get tired of movies that are too safe and mainstream. You can see the confidence and bravado in Five-Year. However, confidence leads to cockiness which I feel kept audiences and critics at bay. To think that audiences would show up to a film about two good-looking people who wait five years to get married because of lack of communication is asking a lot.
The Five-Year Engagement will find its audience eventually. It is an ambitious, cocky and random film that swung for the fences.
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Hello all. Mark here
The following is a transcript from a discussion my friends and I had about The Dark Knight Rises trailer. It veers away from the movie pretty quickly and gets into the issues people want to hear. For instance, what kind of Gatorade does Bane drink?
Read, enjoy and comment.
Mark: Bane survives a plane crash, bridges explode, football fields sink and Batman flies around in a bat jet. I liked The Dark Knight because with the Joker around it felt like a fist fight would break out at any moment. I loved the blue collar violence. This movie not so much….
John L: Tom Hardy is really a tiny man, despite his muscularity. I feel like he’d have no better chance at surviving a plane crash than would a chihuahua. But, then again, he does have a gas mask (or something like that)–so, that pretty much explains how he survived.
Chuck Finley: Bane is wearing the same bomber jacket I once owned. Does this mean I am also a terrorist?. And was the one guy in the orange jump suit doing a front flip whilst shaking hands with a dude behind bars? Must be one hell of a prison grip. I also wonder if Batman goes through a lot of throat lozenges. Or maybe he just smokes the same brand that I do. So wait…am I also Batman? Finally, more Gary less anyone else.
Mark: I wondered about the prison flip. It reminded me of what Mitch Hedburg says about human pyramids…”totally unnecessary.”
Sweet Sugar: Or maybe the prisoner was a fan of Benecio del Toro in the Usual Suspects.
John L: If Batman cleared his throat, would he just sound like regular Bruce Wayne? Like, if he was punched by a criminal, then coughed up a loogey or something and started threatening them, would they stop taking him seriously?
Mark: You proved my “face punching” theory correct! Good things happen when villians prefer face punches to blowing up a well manicured football field.
Chuck Finley: I bet he drinks a lot of red Gatorade to get his throat coated.
John: Or Super Unleaded….or Jagermesiter.
Mark: I’d love to see Bane and Batman take a gatorade break like Lloyd Bridges and Saddam Hessein did in Hot Shots Part Deux
Chuck Finley: I bet Bane drinks yellow Gatorade
Mark: Straw slurps……Now, where were we Batman!
Megan: Silly Straws FTW!
O’Lasavath: Hines Ward is All-Pro. The football field explodes and collapses and he still manages to score a touchdown.
Chuck Finley: A collapsed field would be the only way the Cleveland Browns could win. Cleveland: at least we aren’t Gotham.
Mark: Hines Ward “I’d like to thank Bane for killing all of the defenders.”
O’Lasavath: Hines Ward must’ve been on Bane’s fantasy team.
Sweet Sugar: How many penalties would Bane rack up for blowing up a football field during a game? He’s gotta second all time to Bill Romanowski
Chuck Finley: Although it would be hard to spit in J.J. Stokes’ face with that mask Bane has on.
Ham Sandwich: Theory: Bane’s mask is actually an elaborate form of braces due to his bad British hygiene.
Chuck Finley: Test: Tom Hardy is British? Results: Yes. Conclusion: Mask=braces.
Mark: People complain about the mask but Joker had face paint, Batman a mask, scare crow a burlap sack, two face had two faces…….Have you ever come to the sudden realization that you are a nerd? That just happened to me.
Chuck Finley: I actually think Calendar Man wouldve been a more formidable foe.
Mark: So, some people are saying Joseph Gordon Leviit might be the new Batman, Robin or some other caped dude…..I think he is secretly Calendar Man
Chuck Finley: Gotham better hope not.
Tony 9.5: Ok guys have @ it.
Chuck Finley: “Time to die” ~Calendar Man (probably)
Mark: Till we meet again….Next Wednesday the 4th.
Chuck Finley: When will this maniac strike again?!?. Uhh *flips pages* Tuesday, probably.
Megan: Ah calendar man…it is so accommodating of him to have a public calendar. The Gotham police force and local residents are quite grateful. Next Wednesday you say? I see vacation time in my future…
Tony 9.5: His cape is made out of pages…awesome! His shoulder pads..freakin awesome.
Chuck Finley: Good thing his belt has numbers on it. Otherwise….uhhh…it’s just a…white belt?
O’Lasavath: So that’s why the Ziggy calendars are always sold out.
Mark: I still can’t get over the sash/belt thing.
Chuck Finley: Maybe Batman should call his a utility sash. Way sassier.
Tony 9.5: I’m wouldn’t be surprised if he had a suit for each day of the month, we can conclude he doesn’t discriminate in months that go all the way to 31.
Chuck Finley: C. M. has it figured out
Tony 9.5: I’m getting the feeling most aren’t digging the trailer
Mark: I will watch the movie. Love the movie. Then go drink gatorade.
Chuck finley: I’ll watch it and probably enjoy it. Mark your calendar *laugh evily*
Tony 9.5: I really hope Batman says “Hockey pants” it doesn’t matter when, where, or why I just want to see it.
Chuck finley: I just said hockey pants in a Batman voice. Conclusion: it sounds awesome.
Mark: So, if you had to sum up this trailer in one sentence what would you write?
O’Lasavath: “Pain don’t hurt.” – Dalton
Chuck Finley: Batman probably wins but maybe he doesn’t because, you know, Nolan.
Tony 9.5: I hope Bane treats Batman like Tommy treated his dad in Warrior.
Megan: Ooof.
Mark: Superstar!!!
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Movies, Films and Flix News
Hello all. Mark here
I normally don’t post about movie news. However, this week there has been a plethora of cool/random news in movie land I wanted to share.
Fast Six casts new bad guy
The Fast movies are not known for their bad guys. The most memorable is Cole Hauser and his rat bucket torture. However, he was easily foiled by the “bruhs.”
Luke Evans (Immortals, The Raven) is set to be the bad guy after Jason Statham turned down the role.
He will be the leader of a rival gang that is going for the same heist. What follows will be extremely expensive stuff blowing up.
I expect three things when I watch a Fast film:
1. Paul Walker and Tyrese saying “bruh, bra or bro” at least 700 times.
2. Massive property damage and zero deaths.
3. Life lived a quarter mile at a time.
Fast Six also added Haywire star Gina Carano to hopefully battle a returning Michelle Rodriguez. If you’ve watched Haywire you know that Carano can throw down.
I love the Fast and the Furious series. A rip off of Point Break became an international hit that matured with age. The series went to Tokyo, killed off characters (Han) and brought them back. I can’t wait to see what Justin Lin continues to do with this insane series.
Sidenote: I love that Han was killed off in Tokyo Drift and brought back because he is so popular. My girlfriend and I loved the Sung Kang/Gal Gadot relationship.
New Villain added to A Good Day to Die Hard
Cole Hauser has the joined the cast as a baddie. If you watched 2 Fast 2 Furious you would know Hauser has the chops to be a ridiculous bad guy in a crazy film series. It is always a shame when you play a bad guy in a world that Hans Gruber inhabited. I’m hoping Hauser will have more to do than Timothy Olyphants well dressed cyber hacker in Live Free or Die Hard. I like Olyphant a lot but he mostly looked into computers and talked to Bruce Willis on the phone. I’m hoping Hauser will get his hands dirty like Gruber did.
A Good Day features Willis teaming up with his son to battle international bad guys and destroy lots of property.
The son will be played by Jai Courtney (Spartacus) A Fox executive recently said that Courtney was a “badder ass than John McClane.” If he is in fact a “badder ass” then I’m certain this film will blow up many things gratuitously
This is random but did anyone ever think about how much property damage there was in Live Free or Die Hard? Jets explode, bridges collapse and entire factories go boom. The damage was easily in the billions. I’ve never seen more property damage in a film before.
First trailer and poster for Gangster Squad
Ruben Fleischer (Zombieland, 30 Minutes or Less) has assembled a dream team of thespians to play cops and mobsters. The cast includes Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling, Anthony Mackie and Giovanni Ribisi and Michael Pena The movie looks to be a blast of 1940s gangster with a plethora of tommy gun action. I’m hoping comedy maestro Fleischer blend his wonderful visual style and well written characters into a world of mayhem and funny accents.
Here are three things I want to see:
1. Giovanni Ribisi’s newest squirrely character.
2. I’m Hoping Michael Pena plays the same character from 30 Seconds or Less. He was the best part of a decent film.
3. The line “I believe you, but my tommy gun don’t!”
4. James Franco with corn rows.
Remember when they were trying to make James Franco an action star? I’m glad those days are over. The reason is now we get some truly oddball Franco characters (Pineapple Express, The Oscars). The pictures of a corn rowed James have been making the rounds on all the movie websites. From what I’ve read Franco is playing a drug dealer who bails out a bunch of spring breakers who tried to knock off a store to fund a week-long bender. You gotta appreciate the oddness of the Franco. I’m not ure about the rest of this film but I’m certain the marketing team has captured the teenage/college male demographics.
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Trailer Talk: Upcoming releases
Hello all. Mark here.
Here are four of the biggest trailers released this week. The movies are sequels, reboots and ?prequels? Read, comment, dig the Prometheus.
The Amazing Spider Man
The movie looks like a rainbow sneezed out a CGI fest of superhero mayhem. The trailer gives away way too much in an attempt to promote all the eye-popping visual effects. Also, Andrew Garfield seems to a new kind of Spider Man. I will call his acting “sassy.”
The Expendable 2
“You now have the right to be man and knife”….My reaction to Stathams line was “oh geesh.” However, I miss the dumb lines that the muscled heroes of the 90s would mutter. I love The Expendables because it is a return to a simple time. A time when heroes killed thousands and villians were unnecessarily evil.
This movie is looking to break Sherlock Holmes 2 explosion record. Will it be R or PG-13? Will Dolph Lundgren get a rematch against Jet Li? Will we have to endure another JCVD shirtless airborne split?
I can’t wait to have all of these answers.
Prometheus
I do not want to see any more trailers for Prometheus. However, I am promoting new previews for this film. It looks like a blast of creative genius by a reinvigorated director. Everything about this film reeks of cool. This movie is going to make several unlucky nerds head explode. Audiences won’t mind because they will think it is part of the 4D experience.
The Dark Knight Rises
I loved The Dark Knight because anytime the Joker was around you knew a fist fight would break out. The Joker was a pit bull capable of extreme blue-collar violence. Now, bridges and football fields are blowing up and Batman has a flying ship. I loved how grounded the two prior films were. The Dark Knight Rises seems to be upping the ante to outrageous lengths.
My girlfriend thinks I am being a hater. My lowered expectations might make my experience more enjoyable. I hope this film stays grounded in its fist fight roots.
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May Madness: Battleship
Battleship (may18) has my attention. Directed by Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights, The kingdom, The Rundown) The movie has already made $200 million worldwide and has all the making of a beautifully dumb popcorn film. I love how they opened the film overseas first. The buzz for Battleship was nonexistent and the Rotten Tomatoes rating is a mediocre 48%. However, now the marketing team has a worldwide hit that has already made its budget back.
This movie has raised some serious questions though.
Can Taylor Kitsch recover from the John Carter hate train? I dug John Carter and felt like critics and audiences dogpiled it before it hit the theaters. Battleship has little buzz and John Carter was universally hated on. So, Battleship could be a sleeper hit unhindered by critical and fan boy displeasure. Berg and Kitsch don’t seem too worried.
2. Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker? They look skeptical.
Will the aliens succumb to the best looking cast of the summer? It seems like pretty people are alien kryptonite. Take for instance, Cowboys and Aliens, Transformers and The Darkest Hour.
This is a guess not a spoiler. How many minutes will it take for Liam Neeson to blow up via alien missile? 23, 27 or 46?
Will there be a reference to A11, B6 or F12? When the Alien’s sink a ship will somebody say “you sunk my battleship?”
Watch Battleship. Eat popcorn. Marvel at an imminent alien defeat at the hands of good-looking thespians.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: I Melt With You
I Melt With You is about four men who cry, drink, drug, mope and mug their way through two hours of attempted pretentious art. What makes this movie bad is how serious it is. I’m predicting the ambitious director pitched it as Tree of Life meets Hangover meets every kinetic music video ever spewed on-screen.
I think the point that the director and writer were trying to get across is “words are weapons.” Thomas Jane says this when he is teaching his uninspired English class. So, the man who wrote this thinks his dialogue is so good they can be used as weapons. Little did he know his arrogance would bring doom in the shape of a portly fire fighter/MMA fighter from Chicago
I know why this movie went wrong. I call it supreme confidence. The creators were so confident that left themselves open to the “Hammerfist of Doom.” What is the HOD? A couple of years ago Dolph Lundgren Look-a-like Todd Duffee was fighting a portly fellow named Mike Russow. Both of these guys were undefeated in the UFC (Russow still is) and they squared off in the octagon. Duffee was absolutely battering Russow until he got too confident and met the HOD. Check out the clip.
An interesting and foreshadowing fact is the tagline for IMWY:
“When Life Hammers You. Get Smashed.”
I Melt With You thought it was Todd Duffee. Strong, fast and undefeated. However, it got too confident and was crushed under its own weight. Not only does Duffee have to endure the video of the HOD but now the actors have to live with the hilarious clips that will pop up on YouTube. When Mike Russow hammerfists you…..you go straight to DVD.
Another interesting fact is that Todd Duffee starred in a DTDVD film called Never Back Down 2 after this fight. The Hammerfist is a powerful weapon.
The HOD was inevitable. Look at these self-important pictures of four men who meet every year to reminisce about college and you will understand.
I Melt With You is so depressingly serious that it becomes hilarious. The movie deserves to get critically pummeled because it thought it was high art. These guys swung for the fences….missed widely……then got knocked out by a portly fellow. If you live by the sword you die by the Hammerfist.
Movies, Films & Flix 