Hello all. Mark here
The MFF crew watched the latest trailer for GI Joseph 2 and had a lively discussion. During the discussion we learned the movie was going to be pushed back nine months so it could be converted in 3D. Read our theories, snarky comments and appreciation of mountain ninjas.
Chuck Finley: Good thing this movie has The Rock in it. Otherwise this would be a movie without The Rock in it.
Mark: I love how easy everything is in Joe Land.
1. Kill Channing Tatum..nanobots
2. Kill mountain ninjas……avalanche
3. Kill Cobra guards….Bruce Willis in the back of an El Camino.
4. Kill protein shakes…..The Rock
Chuck Finley: I would’ve made the sequel so G.I. Joseph battles all things Cobra. Including but not limited to: Cobra Kai, Team Purple Cobras, and Cobra Starship.
O’Lasavath: Indiana jones would never have cut it as a joe. The last thing he would ever do is take on a cobra.
Tony 9.5: Cobra Kai; never dies…
Mark: I hope that scene where they climb out of the well is 20 minutes long. Like a mini Gus Van Sant film…
Chuck Finley: And they get help from Aron Ralston.
Mark: I would love to see the girl from The Ring attack The Rock in the well. I think we’d see a ghost get punched in the face.
O’Lasavath: I’m afraid of all this has been for naught as the movie has been postponed to March 2013. The delay is because the movie is being converted to 3d. Yes folks, it takes a whole year to render the Rock’s huge pecs into 3d.
Mark: The internet moviesphere is abuzz with the nine month delay of GI Joe 2. 3D conversion, terrible advance screenings and the need for more Tatum due to Channing fever. I don’t believe any of this. The reason for the reshoots can be summed up in two words. “mountain ninjas.” Why do you think the film is being delayed?
Sweet Sugar: Crouching Tiger Hidden Joe would be a more appropriate title after the reshoots.
John: There was a West Side Story Sharks/Jets clash between the Joes and the Expendables. The Expendables may have guns, knives and crime-fighting muscles. But Tatum has Step Up flip-kicking skills, Ray Parks has his Episode I corkscrew flairs and Byung-hun has one cold I Saw the Devil stare. The fight started 9 months ago and persists like a Ragnarok trilogy. OMFG!!!! We need a Ragnarok trilogy!
Chuck Finley: Everyone associated with the movie came off their cocaine buzz and realized they needed to think about things.
John: Either that or they ate those Vegas lotus flowers from Percy Jackson The Lightning Thief. And, of course, as Johnny Depp taught us, “there is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge.” Maybe they got their hands on some of it.
Mark: I can’t think of anything better than a depraved, confused and drug addled GI Joe film directed by the troubled soul who did Step Up 3D.
John: Step Up 3D: worst of the series. I hope it gets Drag Me to Helled!
Mark: I hope Step Up 4D stars Bruce Campbell, Julianne Hough and is directed with Sam Raimi. Groovy!
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The Hunger Games (2012)
MY CALL: This surprisingly mature film presents an admixture of coming-of-age, bravery and family altruism with an intriguing score spot on for mood setting. Ignore the young adult readership of this film and see it with your best bro, girlfriend or family. So worth it. [A-] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: For suggestions see my “sidebars” at the end of the article.
“From the Treaty of Treason: In penance for their uprising each district shall offer up a male and female between the ages of 12 and 18 at a public ‘Reaping.’ These tributes shall be delivered to the custody of the Capitol. And then transferred to a public arena where they will fight to the death, until a lone victor remains. Henceforth and forever more this pageant shall be known as The Hunger Games.”
The future looks grim. Our story begins with two sisters. One young (Prim; Willow Shields), suffering from recurring nightmares of being chosen in The Reaping, the other a mid-teen (Katniss; Jennifer Lawrence of Winter’s Bone and X-Men: First Class), struggling to raise and feed her junior. Residing in what appears to be a destitute Eastern European village, Katniss wanders the forest with her bow in search of their next meal after putting her sister to bed. Demonstrably a talented huntswoman, she uses the wind and clever tricks to lure her prey into the open. At home they bathe with buckets and rags and embrace a simple barter economy in which a squirrel can buy you a piece of bread no bigger than your fist or, with consequence, increased odds at The Reaping will garner extra rations.
Nice jacket, Katniss.
At The Reaping ceremony their worst nightmare comes true when Prim’s name is drawn. To spare her young, innocent sister, Katniss volunteers as District 12’s tribute in her stead. It was during this scene that I realized this movie was suited for adults and not just the young adult readership of the books. The scene was tactful and, emotionally, felt very real. Katniss is nothing if not credibly heroic; motherly, protective, brave and altruistic. After being chosen she shows no fear for anything but the future well-being of Prim and their emotionally vacant, widowed mother.
The Reaping: District 12
“Our lucky winner. Share a few words with your fans.” –said the zombie fashion queen (Elizabeth Banks), holding the mic.
Stanley Tucci, with highlighted Victorian hair as ridiculous as The Fifth Element’s opera scene boasted, rises above his silly outfit to perform fantastically as the event’s ongoing emcee. And Wes Bentley (Gone; Ghost Rider) looks ridiculously diabolical with weird facial hair and vest suits, as the promoter and director of the event. Even more strangely wardrobed is the villainous Elizabeth Banks (Our Idiot Brother; The Next Three Days), a striking purple and powdered pale menace to high society who acts as if the chosen tributes are to be congratulated for their participation. Woody Harrelson (Friends with Benefits, Rampart), who I normally love, is rather unimpressive as their hesitant, alcoholic mentor and previous Hunger Games victor. He explains that the best means of survival (i.e., food and shelter) is to get people to like you; to have sponsors.
Woody is just never credible with hair. Somehow Banks was more credible in that wardrobe atrocity.
Some take to the Hunger Games’ pageantry like a Sith to the Dark Side, enjoying the exploitative glamour and solicitously glad-handing the high rollers in search of sponsorship and fanfare. Meanwhile Katniss quietly resents the process and waits to carry out her sentence. But she learns she must play the game of pageantry for this broadcast finale which boasts all of the hype of an NFL draft on an Academy Award show red carpet.
Participants get time to train and learn skills to survive the harsh climate of their expansive battlefield. The process is interesting. Woody becomes a more likable character into this phase, but no more credible really. The preparations combine pre-season training camp with political campaigning complete with stylists, publicists, and a Tonight Show interview vying for public favor.
X-Men, suit up!
Unexpectedly, the actual Hunger Games competition was the least entertaining part of The Hunger Games—not because it wasn’t well-executed, but because all of the backstory and build-up were so inexplicably perfectly-executed! As for the free-for-all death match, I was surprised that they managed to minimize the violence so much without harming the moviegoers’ believability of the story. The combat and kills were effective, tactful, and actually quite appropriate for family viewing while still managing to convey the dire futility of the games.
So I say kudos to all filmmakers involved. I expected a lame Twilight-saga-esque, young adult, female-empowerment disappointment. Instead, I got something that I think will please everyone from the pre-teen daughter, 20-something son, middle-aged parents and everyone in-between. The writing was solid and it never felt like it was meant for young crowds. The relationships were ageless whether about love, betrayal, alliance or trust. And the scenario, while admittedly a bit far-fetched, was justified about as well as it could have been by some well-placed scenes between Donald Sutherland and Shane West politically addressing how to control the poor, spare them their hope, and reap what is needed.
A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous.
SIDEBAR: Jennifer Lawrence has some big things coming up. Later this year horror fans will enjoy her in The House at the End of the Street. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire has tentatively been announced for 2013, followed by the next X-Men sequel in 2014 in which she’ll continue her role as Raven/Mystique.
SIDEBAR: I love free-for-all to-the-death competition flicks. If you do, too, you should certainly seek out Battle Royale (2000; ultra-violent, weak action), The Condemned (2007; rather violent, awesome action), Surviving the Game (1994; more plotty than violent), and The Running Man (1987; just plain Schwarzenegger-classic fun).
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The Vow (2012) [second opinion]
MY CALL: Just see this if you like romantic dramas. Don’t tell me you don’t like Channing Tatum. Just impress your girlfriend and pick it out yourself. As long as you’re past your first few weeks with her, I think you’ll thank me. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: If you enjoy Tatum here, move right on to Dear John (2010). Anyone looking for a more mature version of this with a more involved plot and heavier drama, then go for Regarding Henry (1991).
Paige (Rachel McAdams; Mean Girls, The Notebook, Morning Glory) and Leo (Channing Tatum; Dear John, 21 Jump Street) are an adorable, young married couple whose car is violently hit by a truck rendering Paige with no memory of the last five years, which happen to include marrying, loving, and even ever meeting Leo.
Their first date. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Hospital scenes after the accident alternate with flashbacks which show us how picture perfect their life together has been. These scenes will roll men’s eyes and swoon women’s hearts. It’s straight out of the Cosmo article: “How you know you’ve met Mr. Right.” Paige and Leo exchange a kind glance, she accidently leaves something behind which he returns as he catches up to her, and he suggests that they owe it to the universe to have a drink together because of some cute coincidence—barf, right guys? Of course it’s wine at a quaint corner café (Café Mnemonic, for the sake of irony) where he surprises her with hand-fed chocolates. Then we cut to Paige waiting tables with the sniffles and she finds a gift waiting for her at a vacant table and Leo watching from outside, soaking in the rain with a mild-mannered smile. The contents? Tissues for her nose, Advil for her head, a photo of him for her heart, and a negligee for later. He’s every bit as spontaneous and thoughtful as any women’s magazine could imagine.
Every girl’s dream. A soaking wet Channing Tatum. Let’s get you out of those clothes.
After the accident: Now awake and confused, Paige’s parents (whom she hadn’t spoken to in years due to a serious disagreement about how Paige should run her own life as an adult) compete with Leo for her affection, trust and rehabilitation. She doesn’t recall their bad terms. But Leo unwaiveringly fights for her and she chooses him. As they re-begin living together, there are a lot of cute/funny firsts: seeing Leo naked by accident, explanations of their daily routines, the awkwardness of when you feel comfortable going in for a goodbye kiss in the morning—even though it used to be second nature.
The one woman in the world who doesn’t want to see Tatum nude.
But in a panic, familiarity trumps presumed love and Paige’s affluent parents re-enter the competition by introducing all of the seductive, high society pageantry that Paige remembers so well (forgetting that she chose to turn her back on it). Leo had difficulty when it was only the two of them, but now he had to complete with all of the things she did remember, including a debutante lifestyle and even her ex-fiancé with whom, by her memory, she never broke it off! Other challenges include Leo trying one of their personal adorablisms to jog her memory and it only startles her, yielding the opposite effect. And when Leo shows Paige (an artist) to her studio she feels alienated as she looks upon someone else’s space.
Paige tries to put the pieces together and find her last memory before the accident–while looking all cute collaging on top of the table in her pajama pants.
The ride is bumpy and frustrating, but cuddlingly warm and fuzzy by the end.
Sam Neil (The Event Horizon) and Jessica Lange (FX’s American Horror Story) do a great job as Paige’s overly controlling but good-intentioned parents. Scott Speedman (Underworld, The Strangers) plays her re-smitten ex-fiancé. And Tatum is convincing as a man who desperately, if not fearfully, needs to get his wife to fall in love with him again while she wears a mask of her past that she had abandoned before meeting him. Actually, let’s just say that all of the cast, regardless of how their characters may initially appear, get a serious chance to be open and vulnerable—and they all left me feeling the same way.
Give Tatum a shot on this one—even you simply think he’s some good-looking punk from Tampa. Among the muscled action-friendly actors, Ryan Reynolds has championed the RomCom. Just Friends (2005), Definitely Maybe (2008) and The Proposal (2009) all rely on his expressive face, dashing ego, and quippy contributions to the script. But Channing Tatum has mastered the sincere romance story. I loved Dear John (2010), The Vow won me over right away, and I can’t wait for Magic Mike (2012). His charm comes from a more quiet personality and his characters love more than want.
I loved this movie. But if you aren’t sure about this movie, know that opinions are quite mixed. The Hof had a different take on this movie. Click here to read it.
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Shame (2011)
MY CALL: The character development is unsubtle, but impressive, and the characters may first be considered hyperboles, but with time they are nothing short of being a little too real for comfort. For those who like the gritty, satisfying-for-not-being-satisfying films, this is for you. No story, little development, but I was heavily affected. [A] IF YOU LIKE THEN, THEN WATCH: You’ll find all of the emotional intensity but more redemption in Crash (2004). I’d also suggest American Psycho (2000).
If our favorite self-loathing, vain American Psycho and his self-abusive little sister had all of the sexual hang-ups of Rodger Dodger (2002) then we’d have Michael Fassbender (X-Men: First Class, Haywire) and Carey Mulligan (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, Drive) from Shame.
Brandon (Fassbender) is a NYC exec with an ostentatiously modern, white, sterile condo and a serious sex addiction. He ever so casually saunters high society lounges and effortless finds company for the evening. But that doesn’t seem to be enough to quench his deep-seeded thirst for—something. On a daily basis his only smiles are elicited by flirtations or discussions thereof with his partner in crime, his boss.
Brandon apathetically ignores his sister’s routine calls until one day he comes home to find that she, Sissy (Mulligan), has dropped in unannounced. This turns into an uncomfortable, family-valueless argument during which Sissy is naked. She makes no effort to cover up nor does Brandon try to avert his eyes. They bicker like participants in an unhealthy marriage, which sets the stage for their even more unhealthy relationship as brother and sister. At this point we can imagine that they’ve been through something serious together and that they, at some point, strongly depended on one another. We can also imagine that moral lines may have been crossed.
Working a few gigs as a lounge singer, Sissy draws the attention of Brandon’s business cohort. Their affections clearly displease Brandon. In fact, it incites frustration, resentment, enmity and rage. Masturbation, full frontal nudity, intense sexual tension and a brilliantly tactful score make this film all about a tone of depravity—much as were the differently but equally intense 127 Hours and Drive. You never quite feel comfortable watching this film, yet you need to know where it’s going and why Brandon and Sissy are the way that they are. Keeping in tune with American Psycho, Brandon has an addiction to pornography and an often cold demeanor that accompany him even in the workplace.
Let’s see now…donkey + midget + gang + blonde…hmmmm. “GO.”
On another note, I can’t help but to wonder if the man cast as Brandon’s waiter (during a date scene) wasn’t cast because he looked like a very American Psycho Christian Bale. The waiter has a surprising amount of dialogue, all somewhat humorous, and all interrupting a scene designed to demonstrate that Brandon is romantically challenged and generally disconnected.
As Brandon becomes ever more removed from emotionally connecting with anyone else, his sister included, the sexuality becomes rather intense, more frequent and, for some, perhaps difficult to watch. This film probably won’t make you laugh or cry, nor will it lead you to anything resembling catharsis. It will, however, impress you with the cast’s ability to take on this intense—I dare not call it a story—series of scenes. The character development is unsubtle, but impressive, and the characters may first be considered hyperboles, but they are nothing short of being a little too real for comfort. In Sissy’s words, “We’re not bad people. We just come from a bad place.”
SIDEBAR: Between this emotionally chilly performance and his stone-cold killer act in Haywire I can’t wait to see how he fares as Weyland Industries’ Bishop-ish android in the upcoming Alien prequel Prometheus.
Michael Fassbender as David, the emoting android.
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Game Change (2012)
MY CALL: Lots of well-quipped laughs. Love Woody Harrelson. Love Julianne Moore. Love this satire! [A] IF YOU LIKE THIS, THEN WATCH: Recount (2008), Margin Call (2011) and Too Big to Fail (2011). And while we’re pulling the curtain on backstage politics, how about The Ides of March (2011).
Ed Harris (Man on a Ledge), as always, does a fine job playing a more-likable-than-reality John McCain running in the 2008 presidential election. I’m not taking a jab at McCain so much as suggesting that the writers and director allowed Ed Harris to be as charismatic as Ed Harris, rather than the rash McCain who described Obama as “a man who has no major life accomplishments…beating an American hero by double digits…simply sailing on his charisma and star power.” McCain’s campaign team is horrified that “this guy [Obama] is raising money like he’s some sort of a human ATM machine.” The use of campaign stock footage presents Obama as exactly what we all saw during the campaign while meta-analyzing Harris as McCain.
HBO has a strong resume when it comes to non-theatrical films. Cinema Verite (2011), depicting reality television before there was reality television, captivated viewers leaving them gasping over a time before Snooki and “The Situation” were poisoning television with alcoholic tendencies, recreational steroid abuse and Jersey-Italian grammar. Recount (2008) managed to tickle both humorous and strong political senses. I’m not suggesting that HBO’s filmmakers didn’t clearly have a biased (anti-Palin/McCain) agenda in this story, but they did an excellent job of pulling back the curtain and revealing the Great and powerful Oz; the demons mitigating the reality of how our political system functions and the campaign designs architected for their circumvention. Such vexing reality is painted with lines like “Lieberman is the right thing to do but the wrong way to win…none of these middle-aged white guys are game changers.” The solution: “So find me a woman.” Perhaps aiming closer to satire than history, this is handled by a Google search complemented by viewing speeches on YouTube—as if the campaign team had no clue about any of these women.
Woody Harrelson (Zombieland, Friends with Benefits, The Hunger Games), wandering somewhat askew of his normally beaten path of sarcastic and histrionic humor, does an exemplary job playing McCain’s media-damage-controlling campaign manager, Steve Schmidt. The humor is all in the situations and Woody delivers them with a straight face that keeps me smiling whenever he has screen time. He always seems a bit nervous supporting the notion of Palin, a high-risk/high-reward nobody who is “so outside the box that she’ll help [McCain] recapture the Maverick label,” all the while credibly serving as her Jedi Master offering guidance and tenets of political success.
As the moose-hunting, mother-of-five Sarah Palin, Julianne Moore (Boogie Nights, The Kids Are all Right) amazes as usual. While being admonished of the frequent, harsh, unfair examination her private life would undergo she simply smiles glibly, explaining that the Alaska primary was “pretty rough, too.” Her speeches’ fur-ruffling feminism, considerate attention to small towns and special needs children, and family ideals are tinglingly uplifting—so much, in fact, that we momentarily forget where this movie will inevitably lead us. A momentary interaction between Palin and a mother of a Down’s syndrome child even broke me to tears; in the movie she practically had my vote (early in the movie, anyway). She starts to win the campaign team’s belief that they can actually win…all except for Nicole Wallace (Sarah Paulson), who quietly dreads that what Palin doesn’t know will serve as rat poison to the campaign.
I’m half surprised they didn’t go for Tina Fey. But I guess no one would have taken this seriously with all of the SNL skits behind her.
But now it seems that Julianne Moore could play Tina Fey if the need should ever arise.
Not knowing why North Korea and South Korea are different countries or what the FED is, believing the Queen of England to be the head of British government, and that Saddam Hussein attacked the USA on 9/11—Palin requires high school-level history lessons and explanations of recent current events to stand her ground in interviews. Deeper in the race the expressions of campaign personnel, once awestruck by the podium words of a strong woman, have been distorted to expressions of horror; horror of the child-like ignorance Palin has for even the most basic concepts of the government and history of American history. Woody Harrelson is eating a grapefruit during a scene in which Palin is being prepped…I’ve never seen an actor make a grapefruit look so painful to eat. These scenes are soul-crushing.
What…?
I endorse this political satire very much and would like to close with a few not-yet-mentioned favorite quotes:
“It’s not that she doesn’t know the answer. It’s that she clearly doesn’t understand the question.”
“She’s a great actress, right? Why don’t we just give her some lines.”
Debacle after debacle… “If John McCain wins, then this woman will be one 72-year old man’s heartbeat away from being the president of the United States.”
It doesn’t end pretty for this overwhelmed, ill-prepared Alaskan.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: One for the Money
42, 8, 40, 11, 0, 90, 41, 13, 28, 11, 7 and 2. Guess what those numbers represent? They represent the Rotten Tomatoes scores for Katherine Heigls latest films. Only one of those movies was certified fresh. That movie was Knocked Up. The lovely comedy grossed $150 million and was positively reviewed by 90% of the nations critics. It is one of the highest grossing R-rated comedies of all time.
Heigl also starred in the lowest grossing theatrically released film of all time according to Entertainment Weekly. The 2006 film Zyzzyx Road made $30 theatrically.
Guess which movie she publicly attacked? Heigl lashed out at Knocked Up for being sexist. That is why Heigl is awesome. She is like the female Nic Cage. Heigl unnecessarily lashes out at her good roles and Cage buys dinosaur fossils. Cage spent himself into bankruptcy. Now, he has to act in terrible/enjoyable (AKA terribly enjoyable) films like Season of the Witch, Ghost Rider 2, Drive Angry 3D and an upcoming film where he plays an Alaskan Cop hunting John Cusack.
Heigl talked her way out of being an A list movie star. She spoke out against the roles that made her famous and got stuck playing a New Jersey bail recovery person. Her words wrote checks her acting skills couldn’t cash. She spent all of her good will and her films are seeing dwindling returns. Heigl is stuck in romantic comedy purgatory (AKA New Years Eve, Killers, The Ugly Truth and Life as We Know it.)
You gotta respect that because it makes for some wonderful reviews of her films. Take for instance this fantastic article from Grantland:
Does Everyone Still Hate Katherine Heigl? A Thoroughly Unscientific Grantland Survey
One for the Money is about a New Jersey woman who becomes a bounty hunter because she got fired from her job at Macy’s. She gets a job with her shady cousin who smacks his food angrily. In fact, this movie features intense smacking. The worst part is that each bite sounds squishy. So, you have squishy chewing, bad dialogue, bored Heigl and a depressed looking John Leguizamo.
That is all the summary I can muster. If I only had to write one sentence for the film I’d write this:
One for the Money is not a prequel to Two for the Money.
I had to watch this film due to the 2% Rotten Tomato score and my past, present and future support of John Leguizamo. I hope he performs another one man show where he talks about his time on this film…
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Hello all. Mark here.
The Movies, Films & Flix crew got together and talked about the third Amazing Spider Man trailer. The conversation got away from the movie and focused on Bill Murray, Billy Zane and Wiry men from Wales.
Enjoy! Also, read The Dark Knight Rises Roundtable as well.
Mark: It looks like somebody sneezed a lot of CGI and got lucky.
Sweet Sugar: “Amazing” was named the #1 overused English word for 2011. Now amazing just means slightly above average. How does the Slightly Above Average Spiderman sound?
Chuck Finley: The Pretty Okay Spiderman?
O’Lasavath: I’m already thinking ahead to when they remake this movie again. I think Bill Murray would make a good Peter Parker. Also, what happens when we remake a movie one too many times? Would it fall into remake limbo ala Inception?
Mark: The Scorpion King 3 was a sequel to a prequel of a prequel which occurred after a sequel of a film which was a remake. They tried to make another one but a vortex opened and sucked the entire Latvian crew into remake limbo.
O’Lasavath: I can imagine a scenario where Leonardo Dicaprio progressively falls asleep through each Scorpion King movie to reach limbo and find the missing crew. In the meantime, Joseph Gordon Levitt has a fist fight with The Rock in a revolving hallway. They all eventually escape limbo and wake up and have a drink with Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz.
Mark: Where does Billy Zane fall into the Inception King?
Chuck Finley: And Arnold Vosloo
O’Lasavath: Billy Zane is permanently stuck in limbo while wearing his costume from The Phantom and reliving the plot of Bloodrayne. Arnold Vosloo wishes people would quit calling him the poor man’s Billy Zane.
Mark: The Lizard looks like a blob of CGI.
Chuck Finley: Even when I was younger and reading comics I was like, “Lizardman really?
Mark: Why an angry Lizard? Couldn’t he fight a wiry Welshman with kicks worthy of the NFL
John: Ole’–ole’, ole’, ole’
Mark: The lizard has to pay off massive gambling debts or some New York thugs will break his tail.
Megan: Overheard during movie: “We are on your tail lizard man!”
Mark: We want our money Rango.
Sweet Sugar: It does seem like a lot of drama for a lizard. I usually crunch a lizard every time I go jogging. I would love to see Spiderman grab on to the lizard’s tail only to see it fall off as a defense mechanism.
Mark: Movies with large reptiles rarely work (Anacondas 1-5, Primeval, Lake Placid, 27 Dresses). I do think Zach Galifianakis as the Bearded Dragon would be sweet.
Chuck Finley: This movie should be called Mega Spider vs. Ultra Lizard.
Mark: I would love to be a thief when all of this is breaking out because 500 cops are chasing Spider Man while he is harassing car jackers and wrestling with an angry Welshman.
Chuck Finley: Well no one is guarding this bank…
Mark: When Marvel gets Spiderman back I’d love to see a crossover with The Punisher. The only problem is which of the three Punishers would they choose? Dolph Lundgren, Thomas Jane or Ray Stevenson?
Chuck Finley: Ray Winstone…wait.
Mark: If you’ve never watched the Ray Stevenson Punisher you need to see it. He blows a freerunner up while in mid jump with a grenade launcher. I think grenade launchers are vastly underrated.
Megan: Andrew Garfield could earn a few things about being snarky from the bad guys in Punisher War Zone.
Mark: This movie raises many questions. For example, how many people die due to debris when Spidey and Lizardman duel whilst on top of skyscrapers. I’d wager at least 70.
Hooper: In the scene where he is saving the kid he takes his mask off, revealing his identity. This seems like a complete waste of valuable time. Why didn’t he just save that time and just clobber the kid with his spider web?? Kids saved in two seconds, no potential loss of identity….Done deal. Isn’t Spiderman supposed to be smart? Or did he lose his smarts when get gained the spider strength?
Mark: I think it is an interesting theory that spidey becomes a meathead when gets his strength. I think I saw him fist pumping and wearing a tank top too. Is that the untold story that the poster promotes?
I was thinking how I could sum up this trailer and this is what immediately popped into my head: “Snot Sandwich.” what do you think about this trailer?
Chuck Finley: If this movie wasn’t so expensive it would be really cheap.
There you have it! I hope you enjoy The Pretty Decent Spiderman.
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Movies, Films & Flix Preview: Frozen Ground
Hello all. Mark here.
Amazing news for you. Nic Cage and John Cusack will be playing the worlds strangest cat and mouse game. The two oddest characters in Hollywood will be chasing each other around the frozen Alaskan tundra. Nic Cage is a cop and Cusack is a killer. They are joined by 50 Cent and Vanessa Hudgens.
I have an odd fact for you. 2012 Cusack is playing a killer in two films featuring kids from High School Musical. Vanessa Hudgens plays a prostitute in Frozen Ground and Zac Efron plays a journalist in the Paper Boy. Both of these movies will gross $7.
From the images I’ve seen I can promise two things. Nicolas Cage will be bored and John Cusack will be squirrelly.
Bored looking at decomposed mutilated body.
Bored smoking.
Deep thoughts while crouching in woods.
Deep thoughts while staring out a window and using an outdated telephone.
What else can you ask for? Frozen Ground will be the second greatest film ever….starring John Cusack and Nic Cage…Con Air was awesome.
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MY CALL: This aptly named episodic doesn’t take itself too seriously—or seriously at all, really. Its highly inappropriate gross-out humor smacks of Kaufman’s Troma films. So don’t go watching this with your mother. The dialogue is littered with poorly executed horror clichés-gone-wrong, blatant sexual innuendo and raunchy harbingers of T’n’A to come. You know this is going to be awful, but you also know that the filmmakers were intentionally making something awful. The question is whether or not they succeeded at making something so bad it’s good. Not really. I laughed here and there, but mostly felt guilty for watching this smut. I’ll say it again just so that you truly understand what this is: filthy SMUT! IF YOU LIKE THIS, THEN WATCH: Troma films or Tokyo Shock flicks (e.g., Helldriver). WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Trick ‘r Treat (2007), the Creepshow series (1982, 1987, 2006), and HBO’s Tales from the Crypt (1989-96) all deliver episodic horror with decent writing and a good sense of humor—oh, and they don’t rely on smut.
This is pure, trashy nonsense. In the intro scene a man digs up his dead wife to get some “dead head,” but he gets more than he bargained for when she zombie-chomps his junk off. This guy, now penisless, goes to work at a drive-in theater where they’ll be showing the other featurettes comprising this movie. This side-story, Zom-B Movie, continues between and after the featurettes.
Wadzilla is our first featurette and it copies the “giant monster” fad of the old days. It’s about an average Joe with abnormally few, large, and sluggish sperm. After a consult with a doctor at a sperm bank, he agrees to take Spermopropene, a drug which may increase his sperm load. They make this every bit as idiotic as you’d think they could. The drug makes his sperm into giant sperm (i.e., two inches of disgustingly inappropriate sperm wriggling across the floor like a slapstick nightcrawler). The short film continues and his sperm size grows to a foot long. He literally battles one in a bathroom prior to a blind date. This rogue sperm grows rapidly, tries to rape a woman, eats a chihuahua and beheads some chick in a sock-hop skirt. This gamete-gone-wrong gets so big that they use claymation to present it to the tune of Beetlejuice’s sandworms. It continues to kill and grow. Just as this Wadzilla is humping the sultry Statue of Liberty, which gives us a striptease by the way, General Bukake (Eric Roberts) initiates “operation money shot” to save the day.
Hey, let’s tell this story with a few pictures…Sperm monster is born and man tries to flush it down the toilet. Evidently he never heard of the Alligator in the Sewer movies.
Sperm monster, in true Roger Corman spirit, succumbs to the biological imperative.
Sperm monster grows and finds new, larger mates.
Sperm monster gets nuked.
I Was a Teenage Werebear borrows from the beach movie craze of the 50s and 60s and even has a few painful musical numbers. This homoerotic tale is initiated after a bite to the ass from a blond, Elvis-ish greaser. Once aroused, such men transform into plus-sized, unmanscaped beasts. The make-up for this is utterly terrible. This is much less entertaining than Wadzilla. In the end, the recently-turned star of the story slays his maker with a big, chrome…well, you know what…to the…well, you know where. Just tasteless. Next to this, Zombie Strippers starts looking like a solid film.
I had no idea that Wilmer Valerrama was twins.
The Diary of Anne Frankenstein is in black and white, and German! These short films just seem to get worse and worse. So Adolf Hitler kills the Frank family, shortened from Frankenstein, and steals the journal of Dr. Frankenstein. Now armed with the secrets of creation, Hitler goes all mad scientist and creates a Jewish Frankenstein played by Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th parts VII-X). This was funny and the least inappropriate of the shorts. If you make it this far into the movie, listen for all of the non-German nonsense dialogue. It’s loaded with random movie references—in fact, the whole movie is filled with seriously out of place movie quotables.
After all this, Zom-B Movie comes to its horrendous conclusion with something of an exploitative nymphomaniac zombie orgy complete with necrophilia, sexualized gore and member dismemberment.
This movie, for its style and quality, has a disturbing number of recognizable actors. It’s filmed and scored as if mocking 50s-60s era horror and sci-fi and was clearly made to give exploitation film fans a satirical period piece.
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Wes Anderson Madness: Elite 8
Hello all. Mark here. The battle continues and will conclude when Moonrise Kingdom debuts. I’m stoked for both.
Here is how the bracket looks:
Mr. Fox vs. Richie Tenenbaum
Mr. Fox is an odd delight of remarkable dialogue. However, none of his scenes carry the weight of The Baumer and his troubles. If you ask any fan of Wes films they will put the Needle in the Hay or the Gandhi tennis scene in their top five. They are memorable moments in an Oscar nominated film (original screenplay).
Winner:
Anthony Adams vs. Max Fischer
Max Fischer would be on Wes Anderson’s Mt. Rushmore. However, my first experience with Wes and his characters was Anthony Adams. The wandering man who liked to jog, woo maids and diss watersports. I had never seen a character like Anthony before. It was the start of an era. Max brought the Wes world into the mainstream but Anthony was the blueprint.
Winner:
Eli Cash vs. Dignan
Eli Cash is an enigma on top of another enigma. He wears face paint, loves drugs and drives his convertible into the Tenenbaum household. Eli Cash is an older version of Dignan and I always wondered what he would become.
Winner:
Herman Blume vs. Steve Zissou
There would be no Steve Zissou without Herman Blume. Blume put Bill Murray back on the map and in Lost in Translation, Broken Flowers and Life Aquatic.
Herman Blume gives us a glimpse into the lovely randomness that is Wes Anderson. The scene where Blume blocks a childs basketball shot made a young me laugh for days.
Winner:
This scene cracks me up too.
Movies, Films & Flix 