Assassination Games (2011)
MY CALL: A solid straight-to-DVD action flick. For that college-rental sort of category, it gets a B+. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: This made me want to re-watch Double Impact and Undisputed II-III where they each shined brightest. To keep with hitman flicks, maybe The Mechanic. I liked it, but Mark was less of a fan. Here’s his review. Maybe The Professional, The Big Hit, In Bruges for some dark comedy, or Grosse Point Blank for a straight up comedy.
I was way-stoked about this one. I mean, c’mon. Scott Adkins (Ninja, Undisputed II) and Van Damme (The Quest, Bloodsport)? I’m there! Hell, I was there yesterday.
The opener is Van Damme disguised in some hideous sideburns performing a clever assassination of some Euro-mob father-of-the-bride. Well done, and already more promising than most of Van Damme’s work in the past decade. Thankfully, the sideburns do not endure throughout the movie. What does is some surprisingly decent camera work, abrupt but good combat work, and not so surprisingly mediocre acting. Van Damme has a hitman-chic, secret bachelor pad, a cute turtle, and a violin collection.
Then we cut to Scott Adkins, who is sponge-bathing the catatonic wife in a bedroom the size of
a quadriplex. Oh, yeah, he’s also a hitman. These guys both agree to do the same job, end up planning on doing it at the same time, and it gets botched. They fight. They make up. They work together. To give the stars some flavor, some concepts were clearly borrowed from other movies. Adkins pulls some a la-The Professional vanishing acts while Van Damme has a rather Transporter-ish unwelcomed female guest (who also smacks of an older, emotion-evoking Natalia Portman from The Professional). These are over embellishments, of course.
Some interesting things stuck out in this movie. 1) The filmmakers really tried to make this
good—for a straight-to-DVD action flick they did, but I won’t dare suggest it should’ve been in theaters. 2) Time is a strong element. I think they were going for a subtle motif, but it is way in your face. 3) Neither hitman needs the money. They kill to fill some other void. 4) Van Damme hasn’t been working out nearly as much as Adkins. 5) My favorite character was the turtle.
In other good news, Adkins will be working with Van Damme again in Universal Soldier: A New Dimension and The Expendables II, and then with Michael Jai White (also of Undefeated II, Blood and Bone, Never Back Down 2) in El Gringo. Here’s some more martial arts goodness to come (click here).
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John’s Horror Corner: Inseminoid (1982)
MY CALL: Not a cult classic. Not so bad it’s good. Not very gory. Really just not worth it. This is just tasteless–even if you think you like movies that are tasteless. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Galaxy of Terror and Contamination; also early 80’s bad sci-fi-horror. For some real sci-fi horror, Alien and Event Horizon are musts. DRINKING MOVIE STATUS: Approved. Perhaps necessary. FYI: There might be as many as ten different movie posters and DVD/VHS cover designs for this movie. Also, Netflix quality is so-so, but maybe good enough for a movie like this. Here’s another on (below).
You may have stumbled across this in Netflix as Horror Planet. Then it was renamed and issued a new title, not unlike Contamination (not to be confused with Contagion) which was also released as Alien Contamination. I’ll breakdown the premise for you—as if the title didn’t blatantly perform that task already. A team sets out on an archaeological expedition to another planter investigating a tomb that when unreported from a previous, abandoned expedition. Their goal is to identify the cause of extinction of an alien species. Now since the planet’s surface temperature is a constant 89 degrees below zero, and noting the title of the movie, I’m gonna’ go ahead and guess that this un-heavenly body has been serving as a big alien sperm bank.
The story jumpstarts when some of the investigators are spelunking through bauxite cave and see a moving shadowy figure inside a crusty white chrysalis-looking structure which, for no reason at all, just explodes! An unconscious scientist is then rushed to the medical bay clinging to a handful of crystals which contain “living matter.” The “exposed” crew begin to exhibit a bit of space madness. What maddened me was that neither these crystals nor the explosion were ever explained. In fact, these scenes should not have been included in the movie. Deleting them, with no replacement whatsoever, would actually improve the movie.
This flirts with being an exploitation movie, but never quite crosses the line. The alien resembles some anatomical structures you may recall high school sex ed. When we first see the “Inseminoid” it is inseminating a female crew member (who, of course, is naked on an examination table). As if possessed, the now-impregnated and considerably stronger woman gets a little stabby with a colleague. Naturally this worked up an appetite, so then she eats a corpse.
The violence (I hesitate to call it “action”) is very poorly executed and complemented with the liberal overuse of blood. Other gore is minimal and uncommon; a severed head prosthetic here, a cut up leg there. I expected more. I guess the F/X store ran out of rubber guts. I was hoping that some scenes would look like throwing a side of beef in a wood chipper. Needless to say, I was disappointed. Making matters worse, this movie really doesn’t go anywhere.
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Trailer Talk: The Kick
By John Leavengood
I’d like to start by pointing out how stoked I am about this movie. When I want classic, semi-serious, fun kick-flicks I would turn to Van Damme (recently of The Expendables II, Assassination Games). For somewhat realistic and brutally honest fight flicks, I want Michael Jai White (Never Back Down 2, Blood and Bone, Undisputed 2) and Scott Adkins (Undisputed 2, The Expendables 2). For technically surreal flare I look to recent Thai action installments like Tony Jaa’s Ong-Bak and The Protector or Chocolate. Well, from the folks who brought you Ong-Bak, here’s The Kick.
This looks GREAT. 540’s and 720’s abound, along with some jump spin-kicks which look like they might even be 900’s! It looks like the premise might be a bit hokey, but whatever. The stunts alone make this movie worth owning. Here’s another trailer that’s cool but is less informative.
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Bunraku
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: Revenge is an act of style—one that no Kill Bill fan should miss. If you are careful about your expectations, this movie could be a great pick for you. [B+] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Kill Bill, The Good The Bad and The Weird, The Warrior’s Way, Sin City…maybe even Sucker Punch (which wasn’t good, but had some great scenes and ideas). SIDEBAR: I have no idea what the name of the movie means. If they mentioned it in the movie, I missed it, and I miss little in movies.
This appears to be another take on genre-crossing in a genre-style movie. Previous examples include the wildly successful Sin City movies, popular western splices like The Good The Bad and The Weird and The Warrior’s Way, and the stillborn Sucker Punch. But all these movies were well-advertised and wide theatrical releases (in Asia, at least, for The Good The Bad and The Weird). Should I approach this lack of advertising as a snake’s rattle and keep my expectations low? When I stumbled across this I thought “This movie features Josh Hartnett, Demi Moore, Ron Perlman, Gackt, Woody Harrelson and Kevin McKidd, and I had never heard of it or saw a trailer. How does that happen? Is this a weird little gem waiting to be discovered, or an utter Sucker Punch tragedy?”
The opening credits are cleverly presented during an animated story background. The style was much like that of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One or Hellboy 2: The Golden Army. When moviemakers really care about a movie, they make an effort to have the opening credits “affect” the viewer somehow. Even if it’s only music over a black screen, moods are set and pace is foreshadowed. I’ve commented on the great opening credits of The Good The Bad and The Weird, and that movie was awesome. This made for a promising start.
In this perhaps futuristic world guns have somehow been banned, making way for a resurgence in swordsmanship and a feudal yakuza-esque gang culture. A young, Doc Holidayish brawler (Hartnett) and a swordless samurai team up to exact their revenge against the ruthless king of the hill, “The Woodsman” (Perlman). To do so, they must kill their way through leagues of henchman and his nine right hand men, one of which is played by a sleek Kevin McKidd.
This film is VERY stylistic. The effects and music smack of Scott Pilgrim versus The World with comic book stylings of villainy and storyline much like Kill Bill. The combat follows suit, with choreography focusing more on a dance-like technical precision than producing a realistic fight. It’s more like theater than cinema. In fact, the set designers erected intentionally artificial-looking structures in order to unsubtly accent this feeling. Sets and wardrobe contain elements of the present, the future, the old west, and the early 1900’s. Many theatrical devices are employed as well. All of this synergistically produces an other-worldly feel.
The style of this movie is rare and difficult to execute. The fights are fun, the scenes are clever, and (with the exception of Demi Moore’s role) the characters were interesting.
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Bad Movie Tuesday:Trespass
Or as it is called in Norway: Loud Noises
When I heard that a movie directed by Joel Shumacher and starring Nicole Kidman and Nic Cage was going direct to DVD I became very excited. It meant that Trespass had to be incredibly bad. Cage has starred in many bad theatrical films like Next, Season of the Witch, The Wicker Man and Drive Angry 3D(read these reviews, you will love them)… I figured this movie had to be a special kind of bad. The kind of bad movie where Nic Cage wears these glasses.
The answer was simple as to why the film is bad. It is a movie where everybody yells bad dialogue constantly. Nic Cage yells, Nicole Kidman yells, Cam Gigandet yells, the junkie thieves yell, Nic Cage yells again then loses it…then yells more, the viewer starts yelling. Also, during a flashback Nic yells at Nic(ole) via the phone.
I have never heard more yelling in a film. It gets ridiculous at points. If you are a thief you probably don’t want to be yelling a lot. Hans Gruber never yelled in Die Hard. Paul Bettany never screamed in the bad movie Firewall. It seems like lazy filmmaking. All I could think of was Anchorman’s Brick Tamland saying “loud noises!”
Two seconds after this picture Cage yells:
I really hope the sound guy made a lot of money because the levels must have been through the roof. the poor boom operator must have been on double duty. I bet by the end of the film they were calling him “What” because every time somebody said something the boom guy said “what?”
The swearing-in this film is very creative as well. Nic Cage screams “sh** F***, Sh** Fu**ing bastard and Fu** Di**. If I was the guy being trespassed on by moustached attractive junkies I’d be swearing creatively as well.
The movie Trespass centers around a bunch of attractive junkie thieves trying to steal diamonds from Nic Cage. The plan goes bad and screaming occurs. Nic gets his hand smooshed. Kidman gets thown into 17 walls and bad decisions rule the day.
The film goes down like this:
1.The robbers ask Cage where the money is.
2. Nic Cage defies them and swears a lot.
3. The robbers yell, swear and threaten Nicole Kidman (who then calls her agent and fires him for putting her in the movie).
The process repeats itself X30.
Watch this film if you have a new sound system and need to break it in.
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Trailer Talk: Underworld Awakening
There is a moment in the trailer when a pouty leather clad Kate Beckinsale says “This day had to come.” There are three things she could be talking about.
1.Was she talking about another sequel?
2. The Underworld series finally broke the World Record for most spins, flips, back flips, somersaults and cartwheels
3. Humans find out about the war between Lycans and Vampires and attempt to wipe them all out while Nu-Metal plays in the background.
These movies are not good. Vampires pout, werewolves growl and bullets fly in slow motion. However, I’ve watched them all and I will watch this one. They are kind of like the Resident Evil films but better.
The trailer also elicited some unintentional laughs. An angry vampire says “We must stand and fight.” In my head I envisioned the vampires sitting down and fighting. I’ve watched a lot of fight scenes and the only time I’ve witnessed successful chair fighting is when it is Tom Cruise (MI:3) or Jason Statham (Killer Elite, Transporter).
This movie will make a lot of money. More cows will die due to leather outfits and Kate Beckinsale will find new ways to pout whilst holding a gun and flipping.
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John’s Horror Corner: Hardware (1990)
John Leavengood
MY CALL: This is just plain fun if you’re looking for a cheesy sci-fi-horror that takes itself too seriously. The premise is creative, in a schizophrenically misled kind of way. IF YOU LIKED THIS, THEN WATCH: Hmmm, movies that feature killer robots with cool or fun effects…Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, Virus, Robocop 2, Terminator, and for a real Mars-setting killer robot movie try Red Planet.
This movie may raise a brow to you as you wonder “Why should I care about this? I never heard of it.” But to a seasoned movie fanatic this flick has quite an intriguing cast. It includes Mark Northover (better known as the unforgiving landowner Burglekutt from Willow), Iggy Pop as Angry Bob the DJ, Dylan McDermott (Cemetery Man, Hamburger Hill, In the Line of Fire), and our heroine Stacey Travis (Phantasm II, The Super, Only the Strong). It also made some money, grossing over $5
million on a $1.5 million dollar budget.
Somewhere in a post-nuclear apocalyptic world of crimson dunes and matching skies a man scavenges a severed robot head, among other shrapnel, half immersed in the sand. Between his attire and the surrounding environs, it appears as if one of the land pirates in Cyborg or Mad Max has ventured to a more friendly-atmospheric Mars. The technology in this “futuristic” world nearly rivals a 1980’s arcade game.
Mo (McDermott) is a regular Joe with a too-good-for-him artistic redhead girlfriend Jill (Travis). After months in the arid wasteland his fatigues are magically untattered and stain-free and his boots are still shiny, yet in the shower he practically sheds filth as if he was mud wrestling. These tiny inconsistencies warn me to brace myself for quality film-making. Despite the Hell hole suggested by the set designers, hair gel and the entertainment industry abound, apparently making it through the apocalypse unscathed. They’ve got radio talk shows and GWAR music videos. What more could you want back in 1990? So we (but not our heroine) come to discover that this robot head is from some self-repairing combat droid. Its self-repair occurs by way of stop-motion telekinesis—it’s a lot like an old Tool music video. The mecha-regenerative head’s face, detaching jaw, and crawling claws make me question whether or not Guillermo del Toro used this as his idea for the Golden Army soldiers in Hellboy 2. So similar, in fact, I find it doubtless! Other than the self repair scene and the head, this kill-droid is pretty lame-looking.
Jill ends up trapped with this terror of a droid in her apartment. The effects, acting and action are all very poor. This may be the worst killer robot movie ever. However the idea was pretty cool and likely fueled movies like Virus and Hellboy 2 with some great innovations. The end gets a bit weird-trippy and the gore is funny. In the end this drone, which has all of the dexterity of a drunk NYC hobo, is
defeated by a hot shower. Strangely enough, when you clean up a hobo they’re much less off-putting as well.
Despite all the flack I’m flinging at it, I enjoyed it. It’s a bit slow, but it has some interesting ideas and effects (for its time). If you appreciated the computerless effects of the 80’s and some mindlessly silly sci-fi flicks, then this should be right up your alley.
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Flypaper
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: This is a Clue mach-up with a bank robbery-gone-wrong. But what really went wrong was the movie. [C-] Take my opinion with more grains of salt than normal, though. Amazon reviewers really seemed to like this movie. I guess it just wasn’t my flavor of “dumb.” WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: The Ocean’s 11-13, Confidence, Duplicity, Trapped in Paradise.
This movie really missed the mark. I mean, I was entertained. But I’m not going to advise anyone see this unless they’re a die-hard Patrick Dempsey fan. Even playing someone with OCD, Dempsey manages to get a bit too melodramatic. It pains me to say that because any other day I’d say he’s a good actor. I’ve been a Dempsey fan for twenty years. The movie’s sort of funny. However I may not have laughed out loud once more than once. More the occasional appreciative smile of one of the rare funny moments or one-liners. This may have been the ONLY movie EVER where Jeffrey Tambor was neither likeable nor funny, and he’s REALLY funny. Yet somehow, not in this.
Patrick Dempsey (who plays Trip) leads a big cast with a ton of recognizable actors. Even if all of them aren’t millionaires, most of them have done some great work. My how far they’ve fallen since Oh Brother Where Art Thou, The Help and Identity. Anyway, Trip is a quirky, methodical, Sherlock Holmes-y, hypercognitive who finds himself at a bank when two different sets of bank robbers arrive…to rob the same bank…at the same time. One team is a pair of smash-and-grab job idiots. The other is a technically sound team of professional thieves. Naturally, there’s disagreement between the two gangs, but luckily Trip decides to risk his life and play mediator. At times, Trip is a little more up-tight Rain Man and a little less Holmes. He’s solving something and is cluelessly shocked when interrupted. Scenes like that are a bit annoying, as Dempsey lacks Hoffman’s savant-y finesse.
These bank robbers had arrived at the end of the business day to take the vault over night and take the customers hostage. So there is plenty of time for things to go wrong. With a dawning mystery of how two groups of bank robbers ended up at the bank at the same time, the movie turns into a Clue-style mystery. Some meant-to-be-outrageous things happen that really “should” have been funny. Trip spends the evening making random advances at a semi-cute teller. That “should” have been funny. I might have cracked a smile. But this was not worth my time. I really didn’t even enjoy disliking this movie.
The best lines and humor came from the B-list actors. Take that as a warning sign, like when a spooked skunk lifts its tail, and slowly back away from this one.
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White Irish Drinkers
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: A sincere, cathartic, jagged little pill that offers a certain something; a form of closure akin to This Boy’s Life or Good Will Hunting. [A] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: This Boy’s Life, Good Will Hunting. TRAILER: This is a little misleading, but here you are.
Our witty, quippy and sharp-tongued, yet plausibly average star navigates a palpable mid-70’s Brooklyn. From an under-privileged neighborhood, Brian’s social group fails to understand that college could be anything but an excuse not to get a job. Brian is torn between art and the criminal proclivities of his manipulative and abused older brother, Danny. He may be from a rough neighborhood, but he’s a sweet, boyish twenty-or-so with an aw-shucks smile and Elijah Wood’s innocence. Hearing the newfound insights of a friend, Brian begins to dream that college could be his way out of this world which he undeniably uses to temper his self-worth.
Stephen Lang (Avatar, TV’s Terra Nova) performs excellently as the callous, abusive father. Karen Allen brilliantly plays his overworked wife whose Herculean efforts fail to hold the family together as she casts a blind eye to her husband’s actions. Most interactions with the parents are difficult, but there are some soothingly endearing moments like recurring teasing about mom’s cooking and nearly forgotten memories of how dad was before he got like this.
Drawing our attention is Brian’s artwork. The director carefully utilized this pathway to steer the plot, educe mood and engage undertones about Brian’s fragile relationships with the small world he knew, his crumbling family, and his own self doubt.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Big Bang
“Reality is a wave function. Sub atomic particles movie through liquid nitrogen that can go anywhere in the universe and entangle itself in a relationship.”
These are things you want to read in a book or hear in a film by Stanley Kubrick. However, these are not words you want to hear in a direct to DVD neo-noir with a 13% ranking on Rotten Tomatoes. Black holes, worm holes, doughnut holes and a confused looking Antonio Banderas are the themes of this film.
Something about this film told me it would be bad. I call it “Preview Sense.” I sensed the preview was attempting to hoodwink the audience into thinking it was a plucky noir with barely a mention of physics. My “preview sense” has taught me that if a movie is bad they give away everything in the trailer just to get audiences into the seats. For example, Dream House and The Double did this and both bombed commercially and critically.
Previews have been known to make action films out of drama period flicks. Also, a woman is suing the producers of the great film Drive because she said “the previews misrepresented the film.” The woman wanted more car chases. I’m happy she hasn’t gotten ahold of this film yet.
The preview is trying to hide that this is a movie where good actors slum in a bad movie and talk a lot while orange, blue and yellow lights bombard them. Hyper stylized movies rarely work. This movie seemed too stylized. I found two examples in the preview. The abundance of lighting gells and Sam Elliot saying:
“God is the wizard of Oz, he is the man behind the curtain and tomorrow I am yanking back that curtain.”
The moment I heard that quote I knew the film would put a soul hurting on me. So, obviously I had to watch and use it for Bad Movie Tuesday material.
This movie reminded me of the scene in Beerfest where Jay Chandrasekhar thinks he is the smoothest man alive. However, he is just incredibly drunk. I’m thinking this is the same thing that happened to the writer. He thought he was writing 2001 2.0 but he wrote Johnny Mnemonic 3.6.
The movie revolves around an imprisoned Antonio Banderas telling the story of how he was hired by a large Russian to find a woman. Along the way he meets various intellectuals, scientists, dwarves, rappers, waitresses and an angry James Van Der Beek.
I really do not remember the rest of the film. It all blends together in an a ball of “huh?” People talk, other people talk, Antonio Banderas talks….. The film is a whole lot of talking. If are making a direct to DVD noir film you should listen to Elvis and have “a little less conversation and a little more action.”
Teach yourself “Preview Sense.” It will save you time, money and sanity.
Movies, Films & Flix 