The MFF Podcast #143: Resident Evil (Afterlife), giant executioners and evil motives.
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SUMMARY: In part 4 of our Resident Evil Franchise Review series we discuss Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) as the franchise samples The Matrix (1999) and Blade II (2002), Milla Jovovich leads an army of leather-clad ninja Jovo-clones in some of the best action of the franchise, our zombies are not just smarter and faster but can read blueprints, and Wesker goes full bullet-dodging Agent Smith in the final battle. As we answer Listener Questions we explore Milla’s acting chops, the staying power of mutant zombie dogs in the series, and the surprisingly deep significance of the titles of the Resident Evil sequels. If you’re joining us late and need to catch up, listen to Episode 139: Resident Evil, zombie infections and evil corporations, Episode 140: Resident Evil (Apocalypse), monstrous lickers and the Nemesis and Episode 142: Resident Evil (Extinction), evil addresses and Vegas.
For supplemental reading on the subject, check out Resident Evil (2002), Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), Resident Evil: Extinction (2007), Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) and Resident Evil vs Underworld.
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 142: Resident Evil (Extinction), evil addresses and Vegas!
Episode 140: Resident Evil (Apocalypse), lickers and the Nemesis
Episode 139: Resident Evil, zombie infections and evil corporations
Episode 133: Fright Night (1985 vs 2011)
Episode 129: The Babysitter
Episode 128: A Cure for Wellness
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999 vs 2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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John’s Horror Corner: Ice Cream Man (1995), Clint Howard in a B-movie starring role!
MY CALL: There are much better bad movies out there. But if you want to see Clint Howard in a starring role, this is your big chance. MORE MOVIES LIKE Ice Cream Man: For much better bad movie fare of the era, I’d recommend Dr. Giggles (1992), Jack Frost (1997), Mosquito (1994) and Santa’s Slay (2005).
Disclaimer: I have been trying to get my hands on this movie for years—really, YEARS. Every time I checked Amazon it was for sale used (via third party vendors) for more than I wanted to pay (i.e., over $20 new). Finally, at Tampa Bay Screams convention (August 2018) I got the Blu-ray. I was so excited. I hadn’t seen this since the early 90s on the Sci-Fi Channel (back before it was called SyFy), and it was the edited version. Surely all the best stuff was cut out, right? Well, it turns out the “best stuff” was mostly its cast, which included David Warner (In the Mouth of Madness, The Company of Wolves) and Sandahl Bergman (Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja, She, Hell Comes to Frogtown). Sigh.
Director Paul Norman (aka adult film director Norman Apstein) has basically done a bunch of porn… and this movie. So, I guess I shouldn’t be shocked by its quality, but I am actually quite shocked by its complete lack of gratuitous nudity.
Gregory (Clint Howard; Ticks, Evilspeak, Leprechaun 2, Lords of Salem) the ice cream man is just not right in the head and he pays his landlord/caretaker (Olivia Hussey; Black Christmas, Stephen King’s IT, Psycho IV) in ice cream. But that barely skims his idiosyncrasies. Our homicidal ice cream man’s antics include bladed push-pops, throwing a dog in a meat grinder, eye balls are served as cone toppings and ice cream drums are filled with bloody body parts. And therein lies the bulk of the fun of this flick.
Those who seem ungrateful of their ice cream tend to find themselves among its ingredients. It’s very hokey and probably doesn’t look as cool as you’d prefer. I expected better. But, if I’m being honest, I didn’t exactly hate it. LOL
To call the writing and acting “bad” would be an outstanding compliment to this movie, as such aspects were largely intolerable. The first 50 minutes are highly uneventful and as the plot limped forward I found myself begging for something to happen. Yeah, as someone who enjoys their fair share of bad movies, it’s admittedly entertaining watching Clint Howard stagger through his lines and awkward role. But in terms of effects and gore, the payoff simply isn’t there for most viewers. Even the insane asylum scene was pretty weak. Sigh.
The one scene that stuck in my memory since the 90s was the only scene really worth seeing again. Yes, the poster image of Clint Howard holding a man’s severed head in a giant waffle cone presenting it to the head’s mistress. Likewise, the “severed head puppet show” scene was a pleasant laugh.
All said, this is a rough watch and should only be recommended to those who thrive during the worst of bad movie fare.
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John’s Horror Corner: Society (1989), uniting “classy” high society flesh-melding orgies and monstrously gory creature effects.
MY CALL: This movie isn’t exactly smutty or exploitative, but I’m tempted to call it Lovecraftian “orgy horror.” Take from that what you and watch at your own risk. Effects gorehounds will love it, grandmothers won’t. MOVIES LIKE Society: For more comfort zone-testing horror, try Basket Case (1982; and sequels), From Beyond (1986), Re-Animator (1985; and sequels), Street Trash (1987), Brain Damage (1988), Frankenhooker (1990) and Slither (2006).
NSFW. This review is all sorts of NSFW.
Just FYI… very NSFW.
NSFW. You’ve been warned. NSFW
Bill (Billy Warlock; Halloween II) is an ordinary wealthy Beverly Hills teenager having a tough time. Neither his therapist nor his mother understand his fear that something horrible is in his future. Probably just puberty, right? Well… maybe there’s more to it than that.
Director Brian Yuzna (Bride of Re-Animator, Return of the Living Dead 3, Faust) wastes no time revealing obscured montages (during the opening credits) of slithering and writhing gore and/or creatures, and other obvious hints in the first ten minutes include Jenny’s (Bill’s sister) back pulsating something most unnatural and her boyfriend ranting with fear in his eyes of something strange. Yeah, something’s not right here. And it’s happening right as we approach Jenny’s debutante “coming out” party.
“An ordinary teenage boy discovers his family is part of a gruesome orgy cult for the social elite–IMDB.” The IMDB synopsis and some of the movie posters/sleeves out there basically spoil the premise outright.
There’s catty high school clique drama, misunderstanding parents drama, and Bill’s girlfriend Shauna (Heidi Kozak; Slumber Party Massacre II, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood) creates some drama when Bill’s other love interest Clarissa (Devin DeVasquez; Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV, House II: The Second Story) enters the scene and makes quite the impression at the beach… and in the bedroom. Things get weirder with every minute.
Even at its slowest (minutes 11-65 of the running time), this 80s low budget horror flick manages to entertain rather consistently throughout as we learn more of Bill’s family’s sociopathy. The acting is more than the genre deserved in the 80s and the plot reveals itself accordingly to keep our attention—not that this is a “film” to be revered or anything. But, apparently, there’s a lot of sabotage and subterfuge in Beverly Hill’s high society social life and the plot serves a bit more than simply filling time between death scenes. In short, it manages to be interesting even when no blood is being drawn.
While mostly limited to the last 20 minutes, this flick is loaded with odd imagery. Jenny’s inhumanly contorted shower scene complete with “back boobs”, fingers impaling soft flesh, body parts melding together and subsequently stretching apart, all sorts of perverse body-melding and assaults through bodily orifices, combinations of human heads and private parts and butts, up-the-anus punches leading to gory conclusion, and loads of slurping sound effects to complement the tremendously sloppy finale of slapstick macabre orgy horror.
This movie is a blast for horror hounds and, like the work of Stuart Gordon (From Beyond, Dolls, Re-Animator, Dagon) and Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case, Brain Damage, Frankenhooker), the writing/storytelling makes as much effort as the special effects. Of course, that statement is to be taken with a grain of salt proportional to the effects quality. But if you like ooey-gooey gory movies with tones smacking of Lovecraftian otherworldly beings living among us, maddening us and changing us—then this is probably for you.
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The MFF Podcast #142: Resident Evil (Extinction), malevolent addresses and disorderly zombies.
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
SUMMARY: In part 3 of our Resident Evil Franchise Review series we discuss Resident Evil: Extinction (2007) as the franchise goes Fury Road-lite, Milla Jovovich’s action scenes get dialed up, we learn who not to trust in a world of dubiously infected heroes and behaviorally modified zombies (oh, and diminishing cigarette supplies), and we enjoy the best “final boss” of the franchise so far. As we answer some inspired Listener Questions we explore various aspects of evil residency-based tuition rates, evil’s mailing address, where Doctor Evil fits into all this, and the surprisingly deep the moral conundrum of egging houses. If you’re joining us late and need to catch up, listen to Episode 139: Resident Evil, zombie infections and evil corporations and Episode 140: Resident Evil (Apocalypse), monstrous lickers and the Nemesis.
For supplemental reading on the subject, check out Resident Evil (2002), Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), Resident Evil: Extinction (2007) and Resident Evil vs Underworld.
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 140: Resident Evil (Apocalypse), lickers and the Nemesis
Episode 139: Resident Evil, zombie infections and evil corporations
Episode 133: Fright Night (1985 vs 2011)
Episode 129: The Babysitter
Episode 128: A Cure for Wellness
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999 vs 2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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MFF Special: How Many Bullets Missed John Matrix During the Climatic Battle in ‘Commando’
If you ever become an exiled dictator make sure to train your private army.
If you are a fan of action movies you are probably familiar with the sight of Arnold Schwarzenegger vanquishing 70+ people during the climatic gunfight in Commando. The scene is 80s action personified because it features a larger-than-life hero defeating mass quantities of somewhat suicidal villains with a gun that never needs reloading. I love how absurd the scene is, and after watching it again, I wanted to know how many bullets flew past Arnold during the melee.
In order to figure out the number of bullets that missed, I rewatched the movie, scoured through various “kill count” videos, researched the weapons, and analyzed every gun-burst to ensure my guess was somewhat plausible. I know there is no way to know the exact number, but, if you’ve read my stuff before you know I do my best to be credibly wrong and almost right.
Here is what I know:
- John Matrix (Arnold) comes to Arius’s (AKA jerky former dictator) compound to rescue his daughter and kill many people. To his credit he catches the private army by surprise and has the upper hand. Also the weapons and bullets he has are capable of lifting grown men off the ground when he shoots them. This means they’ve been altered in some way for optimal destruction.
- The guards are obviously second rate and very unorganized. During the gunfight they show zero tactical awareness and are not prepared for any type of “code-red” situation. Thus, when sh*t hits the fan they run around like the untrained army they are.
- Some of the soldiers are so terrified and ill-trained they can be seen shooting in the opposite direction of where Matrix is.
- The exiled dictator didn’t have enough money to hire hundreds of guards so he bought dummies and placed them in front of the barracks (think WWII spy tactics)
- Several types of guns were used: HK94, M16, SPAs 12, M60, Colt AR-15, Steyr AUG, Ruger Mini 14, M19911A1.
- Arnold wiped out 74 people during the final battle (72 soldiers + Arius + Bennett = 74).
- The only wound Matrix received was from grenade shrapnel. No bullets hit him.
The grenade guy needs a pay raise.
Here is what I’m assuming
- The majority of the guns had 30-round magazines; the ranges vary but I like this assumption. Also, several of the soldiers had hand guns which I made sure to research.
- The weapons were bought from a shady third party vendor who was looking to unload a cache of faulty/rusty/malfunctioning weapons. I’m guessing Arius needed weapons fast and these were available. This could lead to potential jamming and inaccuracy.
- Arius used a third party vendor because he was in exile and doesn’t have access to legit weaponry because of limited cash flow. He likely had to buy wholesale. I’d love it if Vern from Free Fire was the seller. You need to watch Free Fire.
- Due to lack of training and discipline, the guns weren’t cleaned or properly inspected for flaws.
- The private militia spent zero time at a range.
- During the gunfight many soldiers were “Arnied” before they were able to fire off entire clips. I counted them as shooting 10 bullets (1/3 magazine) or 20 bullets (2/3 magazine). I watched each kill multiple times and I’m happy with my assumptions that are in no way correct.
- The two M60’s shot 340 bullets.
Never hire dummies to secure your compound.
How many bullets flew past John Matrix during the final battle?
After watching each kill and calculating the amount of bullets shot, I think that at least 3,007 bullets flew past Matrix. This means each soldier shot an average of 41 bullets at Matrix and missed. Which is kind of awesome because it seems like Matrix is capable of dodging bullets (John Matrix > Neo).
I’m happy with the 41 bullet average because half of the soldiers (36) were “Arnied” before they could unload their magazine or even shoot a single bullet (estimated 664 bullets). The M60 bullets added greatly to the total (340 bullets) and I think the four soldiers who had the high ground shot three magazines each (90 bullets per roof shooter – 360). The rest of the “soldiers” were able to unload at least one clip (840 bullets) and I’m guessing the five soldiers who surrounded the shed unleashed 190 rounds (The M60 played a big part in this). Arius shoots a 40-round magazine at Matrix and it’s safe to assume there were 19 additional shooters who were able to unload an extra magazine at Matrix (573). This leads us to 3,007 missed bullets. I think that is as close as you can get to the actual totals.
There you have it! The soldiers in Commando were ill-trained and were most likely shooting malfunctioning weapons which couldn’t have helped them during the battle.
If you like this dumb data make sure to check out my other stuff.
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- Analyzing the Unsuccessful Trap in Predators
- How Far Did the Shark Travel in Jaws: The Revenge?
- How Far Did the Creature From It Follows Travel?
- How Fast Does the Great White Swim in Shark Night?
- Zara the Assistant and Jurassic World Had a Bad Day
- A Look at Elektra’s sandbag trainer in Daredevil
- How Far Did Nic Cage Run While Dressed as a Bear In The Wicker Man Remake?
- Breaking Down The Mariner vs. Sea Beast Battle in Waterworld
- How Long Did it Take The Joker to Setup the Weapon Circle in Suicide Squad?
- Michael Myers Hates Blinkers
- Jason Voorhees Can’t Teleport?
- How Far Did the Merman Travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How Far Did Matthew McConaughey Jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface Run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How Far Did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How Did the Geologist Get Lost in Prometheus?
- People Love a Bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- How Do You Make the Perfect Kevin Smith Movie?
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How Fast Can the Fisherman Clean a Trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s Expensive to Feature Characters Being Eaten Alive and Surviving Without a Scratch
- How Long Does it Take Your Favorite Horror Movie Characters to Travel From NYC to San Francisco?
- What was the Guy’s Blood Pressure in Dawn of the Dead?
- Why Were There So Many Lemons in National Treasure?
- How Far Does The Rock Jump in the Skyscraper Poster?
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The MFF Podcast #141: The Meg and Jason Statham Kicking Things
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The MFF podcast is back and we’re talking about the The Meg and Jason Statham being the world’s worst alcoholic. We like The Meg despite its adherence to not being as crazy as it should’ve been. We were hoping for insanity, and we got some bonkers moments and a lot of innocent whale death. If you are looking for a podcast that can’t figure out The Meg’s timeline, and features random asides about the jerky shark from The Shallows you will love this podcast. It is a rollicking 60 minutes that covers cinematic sharks, spin kicks and squid lakes.
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As always, we answer random questions and ponder if the shark from Jaws: The Revenge is a relative of the sharks from the prior films. If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
ffff
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Netflix’s Tau is a fun science fiction B-movie that tells the story of a well-dressed woman playing a deadly game of cat-and-mouse with a morally-bankrupt tech billionaire and his AI creation Tau (voiced by Gary Oldman). Director Federico D’Alessandro hides the tiny budget well and creates a claustrophobic vibe inside a tech-heavy mansion that is home to Tau and it’s deadly robot named Aries. D’Alessandro is mostly known for his storyboarding and animatics supervision on massive blockbusters like Dr. Strange and Captain America: Winter Soldier, and here he is able to draw out a breezy story that takes place mostly inside a single location and give actress Maika Monroe (It Follows, The Guest, Hot Summer Nights) another opportunity to shine. The script by Noga Landau (Watch the other show she writes The Magicians now!) plays refreshingly straightforward and you will find yourself enjoying the twists and turns this 90+ minute movie features.
Maika does a great job talking to a wall that will eventually be voiced by Gary Oldman.
Tau starts off in a sleazy club where a young woman named Julia (Monroe) is stealing from drunk patrons and selling the stolen goods at various pawn shops. She is doing this so she can attend an arts school (this proves she isn’t just a thief), and from the look of her savings, she is close to leaving the shady world behind. However, a hooded figure enters her apartment, knocks her out and takes her back to a massive mansion in an undisclosed location. When she wakes up, she learns the shadowy figure is tech-billionaire named Alex (Ed Skrein) who is using her, and two others as guinea pigs to gain insight into neural activity. The problem is the research takes a toll on the captives and this forces Julia to plot an escape from the house before her brain is turned to mush. She eventually blows up the lab, but her escape is thwarted when Tau and Aries kill the other two captives and leave her to be the sole research participant. The good news is the research methods become less torturous, and instead focus on Julia solving riddles that track her brainwaves.
The rest of the film features Julia forming a bond with Tau while she tries to escape. Alex never considers her to be an escape threat (he is way too smug), so he allows her to work with Tau which leads to some interesting plot developments that showcase Gary Oldman’s AI voice, more tailored clothes and a unique ending.
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If you are looking for a fun movie that breezes by and features a solid performance from Maika Monroe you should check out Tau.
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The MFF Podcast #140: Resident Evil (Apocalypse), monstrous lickers and the hulking Nemesis menace
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
SUMMARY: This week we discuss Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), Milla Jovovich’s motorcycle-jumping and dumpster-diving stunts, the big slow ugly hulking menace that is the Nemesis Program, and wardrobe trends among the ass-kicking heroes of film. As we answer some inspired Listener Questions we explore other major action franchises’ tank top wardrobing trends, a few nods to iconic zombie cinema, and the deviation of these films from their video game source material.
For supplemental reading on the subject, check out Resident Evil (2002; review), Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004; review) and Resident Evil vs Underworld.
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 139: Resident Evil, zombie infections and evil corporations
Episode 133: Fright Night (1985 vs 2011)
Episode 129: The Babysitter
Episode 128: A Cure for Wellness
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999 vs 2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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John’s Horror Corner: Mosquito (1994), the gory goofy giant insect B-movie for the entomologists out there.
MY CALL: Just plain B-movie fun with silly but decent looking creature effects, a hokey premise, and abundant gross effects. MORE MOVIES LIKE Mosquito: For more insectoid, arachnid and invertebrate horror try The Nest (1988), Slugs (1988), The Bay (2012), Arachnophobia (1990), Ticks (1993), The Fly (1986) and Mimic (1997). The Mist (2007) and The Thing (1982) get a bit more tentacular but have some buggy appeal, and The Thaw (2009), Blue Monkey (1987) and Things (1989) uses totally made up arthropod-like creatures. Also, one shouldn’t overlook the sci-fi action Starship Troopers (1997).
After a space ship drops an escape pod down to Earth, mosquitoes feed on the dead alien passenger’s blood and grow into giant, bloodsucking monsters that massacre a group of campers.
Director Gary Jones (Boogeyman 3, Spiders) delivers the kind of B-movie fun that can only come from goofy giant insects and gross special effects. We enjoy horror fan favorite Gunnar Hansen (Texas Chainsaw 3-D, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Demon Lover) alluding to his chainsaw days, unreasonable entomological knowledge from a random character who identifies the species as Aedes aegypti (a well-studied species), comically blood-drained corpses, and a generally clunky script.
And despite it’s bad movie aura, the creature effects team went to great efforts to reproduce a few somewhat accurate aspects of mosquito morphology (e.g., the unsheathing labium and some of the dorsal thoracic plates covered in setae). A nice surprise for the occasional entomologist horror fan. That said, this film is far from scientifically accurate. LOL.
This may be a cheap direct-to-video flick, but there are some redeeming special effects. We can all relate to having a big bug splatter across our car’s windshield, right? How about a giant five-foot long bug… and it’s loaded with gooey rubber guts! The mosquitoes are basically rubber monsters, but I appreciate the effort and the practical effects a lot. Sometimes they’re depicted using stop-motion, which I also enjoyed—even if a bit clunky. But what’s most important is that we see a lot of them, and they’re always fun to watch! This isn’t your typical “just the claw for the first 60 minutes” creature feature.
They feed on a fisherman after proboscis-stabbing him in the eye, a naked chick stabbing her in the butt, and a guy’s eyes pop out and explode during a feeding attack! Clumsy action, but a joy to watch.
Not just funny because it’s bad, this film brings silly deliberate comedy as park rangers use insecticide foggers on campers and general hokiness. The tone is a lot like Leprechaun (1993) and most monster scenes will provoke a giggle or grin.
I don’t know how I managed to skip this when I was in high school… or college… or basically the last 20 years!
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When the world first heard Jason Statham would be starring in The Meg the major question everyone had was “will Jason Statham spin kick the shark?” The question is valid, and I love how Jason Statham has become such a legend that it isn’t a stretch to assume he would kick a 75-foot shark in the face. We already know that he lands two push kicks on the Megalodon (thanks “Eat You” TV spot) so it won’t join his zero-kicking films The Italian Job, Snatch, Cellular, Turn it Up, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and 13. The question I have is how many times Statham will kick the monster. I took a deep dive into Statham’s career in order to give the world a number that will most certainly be wrong.
Sidenote: There is no way to know how many times Statham will kick the large beast. The final number comes from educated guesswork, more guesswork and a reference to Angelina Jolie punching a shark in Tomb Raider 2.
After going through every Statham film I own and could stream (or DVR), I scoured Burger Fiction’s incredible videos to come up with a number that I’m comfortable with. Statham has thrown 389 kicks in the 36 films included in the list (Collateral and Gnomeo and Juliet were excluded) and averages 10.8 kicks per film, which is surprising because I’ve built up his fighting prowess so much in my head I wouldn’t have been surprised if he threw at least 50 in his movies.
Below is the list of all his films according to number of kicks. From here, I am going to narrow down the films until we have a solid group to extrapolate the ideal number.
Most Kicks
- The Transporter – 69
- Transporter 2 – 54
- Transporter 3 – 43
- In the Name of the King – 25
- Killer Elite – 22
- Safe – 15
- Homefront – 13
- Furious 7 – 13
- Redemption – 12
- London – 12
- Mechanic: Resurrection – 11
- Wild Card – 11
- Crank – 9
- The Expendables – 9
- War – 9
- The Fate of the Furious – 8
- The Expendables 2 – 6
- Mean Machine – 6
- Parker – 6
- The Bank Job – 6
- Ghost of Mars – 5
- The Mechanic – 4
- Revolver – 4
- Crank 2: High Voltage – 4
- Chaos – 3
- Blitz – 3
- The One – 3
- Death Race – 2
- The Expendables 3 – 2
- Spy – 1
- Snatch – 0
- Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels – 0
- The Italian Job – 0
- Cellular – 0
- 13 – 0
- Turn it Up – 0
Greatest kick ever.
It’s interesting that the Transporter franchise features 42% of his total kick count and I think the success of the first film cranked up his career into action overdrive. He had only thrown 14 kicks in his first six films and that all changed after Transporter, because he became an action legend who would throw 70 kicks in his next six movies.
What is the ideal amount of kicks?
I have a feeling The Meg will have a fresh Tomatometer score and be a massive crowd-pleaser, so. let’s take a look at his 10 highest rated movies according to their Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb scores being averaged together.
- Spy – 82% – 1 kick
- Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels – 79% – 0 kicks
- Snatch – 78.5% – 0 kicks
- The Bank Job – 76% – 5 kicks
- Furious 7 – 76% – 13 kicks
- The Italian Job – 71% – 0 kicks
- The Fate of the Furious – 67% – 8 kicks
- The Expendables 2- 66% – 6 kicks
- Crank – 65.5%- 9 kicks
- The Transporter – 61% – 69 kicks
Sidenote: The average Tomatometer score for Statham’s filmography is 44%. I’m thinking the 100% The Meg gets will help.
These 10 films average 11.1 kicks per movie and almost exactly match the average for his entire filmography (10.8) I don’t see him kicking the shark 11.1 times, so I’m going to take some films from the the two lists to give us the final answer
- The Fate of the Furious – (6 kicks) – I added F8 because it features Statham battling Uber Dwayne Johnson inside a prison. The scene features zero logic (which is awesome) and makes the two men look powerful, lithe and almost Replicant-esque . For instance, Dwayne Johnson’s character Hobbs is impervious to rubber bullets (zero pain) and has one of the weirdest jump/slide/land moments in the history of film.
- Spy – (1 kick) – Statham is clearly in on the joke.
- Mechanic: Resurrection – (11 kicks) – Statham is 100% invincible in Mechanic: Resurrection, and he is so good at killing people it matches up with his The Meg character. Why? In The Meg he is called to help battle a 75 foot prehistoric creature and he is cool with it (I think).
- The Italian Job – (0 kicks) – Handsome Rob is all about driving and he spends most of his time in a car. From The Meg trailers it looks like we will get a lot of Statham on boats and submersibles.
- The Expendables 3 – (2 kicks) – Statham and crew are tasked with rescuing some people from overwhelming odds. The Meg looks like an ensemble film and the odds are stacked against them.
Average number of kicks – 4
Are there other movies that feature people striking a large sea beast?
- Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life – (1 punch) – Awesome shark punch – You gotta watch this scene.
- Deep Blue Sea – (7 stabs with a cross) – Greatest movie ever.
Average number of strikes – 4
I love this scene
Final Guess: 4 Kicks – It feels right and my random data proves it.
I can’t wait to kick this thing.
We already know he will land two, so he just has to kick the beast two more times to make this guess correct. I think it’s gonna happen.
How many times do you think Jason Statham will kick the Megalodon?
If you like this random post makes sure to check out my other data articles.
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