MY CALL: Much hokier than Bloodsport (1988), Kickboxer (1989) or Lionheart (1990), but with “some” better fighting, stunts and martial artists. MOVIES LIKE The Quest: Other Van Damme movies, of course! Especially Bloodsport (1988) and Lionheart (1990), which both feature hush-hush Fight Clubs that can’t keep a secret. But maybe this movie isn’t bad enough for you and you want something a bit more “campy bad.” If that’s the case, try China O’Brien (1990), Outside the Law (2002), Night Vision (1997) or Only the Strong (1993) for your Bad Movie Tuesday.
Okay, so this was actually written by the real life Frank Dux (the guy whose highly doubted story Bloodsport is based)—in that his “story” was the basis for it—and Jean-Claude Van Damme (Kickboxer, Double Impact, The Expendables 2, Time Cop, Bloodsport). Somehow I don’t expect much from a movie written by a guy who (by the opinion of many) fabricated a story about winning an invitational secret Kumite tournament, and the Muscles from Brussels who played this potential Kumite tall tale teller. Essentially, this is a fictionalized retelling of what may have originally been fiction in the first place and it’s directed by Van Damme himself.
In case this Dux-slamming seems mean and unfounded, please understand that since the 1988 movie’s release his story has always been considered a highly probably lie. Here’s an article (CLICK HERE) from 2015, and another, and another, and another way back from 1988, pointing out the inconsistencies and dubious claims. Van Damme even doubted its validity while filming Bloodsport.
Well now that you know who wrote it, it should come as no surprise that this opens much as Bloodsport (1988) did, but with neither of the magic nor style, with preparations for the big secret tournament. They form melted gold into a dragon statue and send scrolled invitations in person to their recipient fighters, including interrupting a Sumo wrestler’s bath and a Nazi’s fencing lesson. He’s not really a Nazi, but for some reason they make him seem despicably mean.
Then we meet street urchin Chris Dubois (Jean-Claude Van Damme), who combines Oliver Twist’s Fagan and Robin Hood as he cares for a group of homeless orphan pickpockets. Dubois is an acrobatic thief with some pretty decent fighting skills, but he is forced to flee and leave the kids when the consequences of his criminal actions catch up to him. Of course, he promises the children he’ll be back.
During his escape he sneaks on to a ship and is taken prisoner. He is rescued by Lord Edgar Dobbs (Roger Moore; A View to a Kill, Octopussy) and his assistant Harry (Jack McGee; Drive Angry), and subsequently ditched halfway around the world in on Muay Thai Island.
So eventually a caption graces the bottom of the screen: “6 months later.” Not sure how long it takes a small vessel to sail from northeastern America to Thailand or how long he was on Muay Thai Island before his “owner” decided to train him, but in combination it must’ve been 3-4 weeks. Let’s call it a month—plus “6 months later” is about 7 months from the time the first Ghang-gheng (that’s our Kumite equivalent in this movie) invitations were sent out. That’s a long time in advance to send out an RSVP.
Revisiting Thailand, Lord Dobbs has made the acquaintance of an attractive young journalist Carrie (Janet Gunn; Carnosaur 3, Silk Stalkings) who is looking for a great story…just like Bloodsport…and they bump into Dubois, who has climbed the ranks and become a feared Muay Thai fighter. In order to repay Dubois for wronging him, Dobbs is to help him gain the “Golden Dragon” from the tournament in the Lost City where the greatest fighters of the world compete in secret. And again, just like in Bloodsport, there’s a secret competition that folks know about who weren’t invited! In this case, it’s Dubois who wasn’t invited to the party. So how did he know? When his trainer on Muay Thai Island was invited did he have a party to celebrate and announce it to everyone? Did he tape the invitation on his Thai fighting office communal refrigerator as a reminder? Does the whole island know? Or are only their enslaved American fighters afforded such privileged secrecy?
Well now Dobbs, Harry, Carrie and Dubois want to go to the Lost City…but how will they find it? It is a secret, right? No problem, after a single phone call Carrie knows that the invited World Champion boxer from America Maxie Devine (James Remar; Tale from the Darkside) is about to arrive right where they are in Thailand en route to the Lost City. So evidently the first reporter she spoke to in America asking about the secret tournament knew not only that the tournament was happening, but who was invited and that he was on his way and his travel itinerary! This takes place in 1920. Even with the internet and phone taps this would be impressive!
So now the plan is for Dobbs, Harry, Carrie and Dubois to pose as Maxie’s hosting entourage to escort him to the Lost City.
Remember the “entering the tournament hall” scene in Bloodsport when everyone doubted the American fighter (now Maxie Devine), Dux did the Dim Mak (now the Mongolian breaking the table) and Chong Li had some words (now the Mongolian’s sneers)? Yeah, so that all gets replayed here.
So we’re all in the Lost City, whose “secret location” was most definitely aided by the huge German Zepplin flying in and landing on location, and it looks a lot like the Kickboxer (1989) arena with the Bloodsport officials. This is where we get to meet everyone and Maxie outs Dubois as an imposter, to which the elder officials state that unless he “proves himself a worthy opponent” and wins the first round there will be some pretty serious consequences. But wait, does this mean that everyone who loses in the first round—half the fighters!!!—is now categorized as “unworthy?” Seems a bit harsh. And moreover, now that we know Dubois and his gang are imposters, is no one concerned about Dobbs, Harry or Carrie (the fkn undercover reporter!!!)? Isn’t this whole thing supposed to be a secret? I’m beginning to think this is the first year of this tournament!
You’ll notice a lot of these opponents have been in other Van Damme movies. It seems Van Damme keeps a stable of friends like Adam Sandler, doesn’t he? There’s the feared Mongolian Khan (Abdel Qissi; Lionheart, The Order), who seems way bigger than 6’2” the way they present him; Phang (Jen Sung; Under Siege 2) the Siamese fighter; another boringly unimpressive Sumo wrestler (Kitao Koji; Wrestlemania VII); the mean Nazi (Habby Heske; Mr. Nice Guy); the French fighter (Takis Triggelis; Legionnaire, Savate); the ripped Turkish guy who only landed one cheap hit and went down in one stupid hit; the sensational Brazilian capoeirista (César Carneiro; Only the Strong); the big Greek guy (Stefanos Miltsakakis; Cyborg, Lionheart, Maximum Risk); the stylish Spanish fighter (Peter Malota; Double Impact, Nowhere to Run, The Order) who looks a little like Antonio Banderas; the African Zulu-esque warrior (Winston Ellis; Operation Condor); that poor Okinawan (Ong Soo Han; Kickboxer, Street Fighter); the lame Russian (Brick Bronsky; Troma movies); the Scotsman (Mike Lambert; Knock Off) who gets it in the balls; and the Chinese five-animal kung fu master (Peter Wong; Bulletproof Monk) who was AMAZING!
About now I’d like to pause and assess how we know this is a bad movie:
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Van Damme in old man make-up AND in mime make-up. Need I say more?
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There’s no chase scene, no training splits, no dressing like a male escort, no Belgian butt shot, no splits during a fight, no sex scene, no tandem jump spin kicks…where’s the Van Damme-iness we all came to love? At least his sweaty biceps glistened. But why did Van Damme sub in the Turk for the standard butt shot for the ladies? #BareButtFail
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The old “Van Damme slip” escape scene. He does using the shower in Bloodsport (1988) and now he uses a sack of grain with his jacket wrapped around it. This is some Bugs Bunny cartoon-level work.
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He is caught as a stowaway on a ship and is forced into servitude…just like in Lionheart (1990). How many of his old movies will he borrow from?
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After people from around the world visit the Lost City, is it still lost? I mean, these people suck at keeping secrets about secret martial arts tournaments. So it’s fair to say that once they get back, the world will know. And if the competition is always held in the Lost City, are we to assume that this was the first batch of competitors who can’t keep a secret? After all, the invitation came with a map as if no one could ask how to get there.
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How heavy is the Golden Dragon…well over 1000 pounds, right? Gold is HEAVY! Today gold is about $1400 per ounce! Can these Lost City monks afford to be giving away so much gold? That’s in the neighborhood of $20 million!
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They quote Bloodsport with the line: “What kind of a deal?”
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They steal the Kickboxer (1989) bar fight scene when he sweeps the guy’s hands from leaning on the table.
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Dubois’ fight against the Spanish fighter looked striking similar to Van Damme’s fight against the same exact actor in maybe the same shirt in Double Impact (1991)!
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Maxie is basically a replacement for Bloodsport’s Ray Jackson (Donald Gibb; Transylvania 6-5000), only without the ‘Murica-level brain damage. Dobbs and Harry seem analogous to Agent Rawlins (Forest Whitaker; Species, Battlefield Earth) and Agent Helmer (Norman Burton; American Ninja 5, Deep Space), and Carrie is clearly Janice (Leah Ayres; The Burning).
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This martial arts movie transforms our hero into a serious fighter, yet there is no training montage. In Bloodsport we get a JCVD montage and an opponent training montage! How is there no training montage? #TrainingMontageFail
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Remember in Bloodsport how through its entirety Bolo Yeung’s lines were: “Very good, but brick not hit back…You are next…You break my record, now I break you like I break your friend…Matte.” Khan the Mongolian says even less! Not one line! And I’m not even kidding. He has zero lines! Which makes me wonder if Qissi had any lines in Lionheart (1990) when he played Attila.
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Dubois clutches Phang’s Muay Thai headdress like he did Ray Jackson’s Harley Davidson bandana after the Khan Tong-Po-back-breaks Phang like he did his brother in Kickboxer (1989). Then Dubois wears it, just like in Bloodsport.
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They show some of the same fighting footage TWICE during Dubois’ fight against China! And then against Khan, they play the same punch combo footage FOUR TIMES!
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What is it with Van Damme and back breaks? In Bloodsport the Sumo wrestler also performs TWO back-breaks, then Tong Po in Kickboxer, and now Khan does one here.
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Dux finishes off Chong Li with four tandem jump skin kicks to the head, which is the only time replaying footage is okay. So where are the tandem jump spin kicks in The Quest? Here we get only one in the final fight. ONE! #VanDammeFail
For the most part, this is not a movie for technical fight choreography snobs who love Tony Jaa (Ong Bak), Scott Adkins (Universal Solder: Day of Reckoning), Michael Jai White (Undisputed 2-3) or Iko Uwais (The Raid: Redemption). The fights are generally unimpressive by today’s standards, although quite decent outside of Hong Kong cinema in the 80s. Although, a couple of fights were of higher caliber.
The opening fights are terrible. Spain v Russia and Japan v Okinawa are super short. However, France v Brazil features some seriously cool stunts (especially for an American-made 90s martial arts movie) and China v Korea introduces us to the hands-down best martial artist in the movie, here showcasing snake-style kung fu. Peter Wong’s opening flare techniques had me rewinding a few times just to figure out what exactly he did with that jump spin kick that included attacks to the front and the rear. In Brazil v China, he does monkey-style kung fu—also a dazzling splendor of stunts, not to mention a playful monkey punch to a pair of Brazilian balls.
I don’t think Van Damme likes Scotsmen (e.g., Lionheart). Here the Scottish guy loses to a punch to the balls right under the kilt from the Turk. In fact, someone always seems to get hit in the nuts (e.g., that Brazilian, Sumo wrestler in Bloodsport). This Turk, by the way, looks like ripped Hank Azaria from The Birdcage (1996) and he goes down in the best possible stupid way against the Sumo wrestler. I think Van Damme ha a soft spot for Sumo wrestlers because they seem to get the funniest fights in his movies.
Told you!
And oh my God, the Kickboxer (1989) influences! Khan the Mongolian has Tong Po hair, Phang taught Dubois Muay Thai and then loses to a back break against Mongolian, mathematically speaking Khan = Chong Li + Tong Po, Phang’s master Khao resembles Mr. Xian who trained JCVD in Kickboxer, the guy who played Khan is the brother of the guy who played Tong Po (Michel Qissi; Kickboxer, Bloodsport), and BOTH brothers were in Lionheart (1990)!
I find this to be among the most recent Van Damme movies that I consider rewatchable. It’s hokier than most, but still a lot of fun and nostalgically satisfying for me—of course, I saw this in theaters when I was 15, so I’m just the right age to love it.
If you enjoy this stuff, buy it, watch it, then join our nostalgia by listening to our Van Damme podcast episode!
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MFF 1996 Special: Life Lessons I learned From the Films of 1996
The cinema of 1996 taught me some very important life lessons. I learned that hockey players can become star golfers and aliens could be knocked out with one-punch. The films taught me everything I need to know about life and my 14-year-old self became a world weary adult after watching Beautiful Girls, From Dusk Til Dawn, Scream, Trainspotting, The Frighteners, Primal Fear and The People vs. Larry Flynt.
The following post features 10 life lessons that the movies of 1996 taught me. These life lessons made me the man that I am today and I’m certain they can help everyone on the planet. Enjoy the post! You are welcome!
Never Leave a Ridiculous Amount of Voice Messages
I love Swingers. It taught me that I should never impulsively leave like a billion awkward voice mails on a women’s answering machine. Just stop at one! Wait a couple days! Be money!
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Never Let One of My Clones Clone Itself
You should never clone yourself. However, if you pull a Multiplicity and clone yourself don’t let your clone replicate itself. The results will be terrible and the dumb yet sweet clone will eat all your pizza and threaten dolphins.
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Show People Money
You gotta take care of your clients. In Jerry Maguire, Tom Cruise learned that he needed to show his clients the money. When you show your clients the money they are guaranteed to be happy AND wins Oscars.
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Gum is Evil
If you’ve cornered a rogue spy and he pulls out gum be very scared. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) uses his evil exploding gum perfectly in Mission Impossible and forever changed the way our world views secret agent gum.
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Secure Cows When a Storm is Nigh
Do you like your cows? Do you pay attention to your cows? Do you want your cows to be carried away by a tornado? If you answered yes/yes/no then always make sure to secure them when a tornado is close. I love the movie Twister but I feel terrible for that cow. A dead cow became a punchline.
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Don’t be Cheeky When Naming Your Band
If you want to name your band The Wonders name it The Wonders. Don’t be cheeky and name your band The Oneders. Nobody will pronounce it right and you will be constantly correcting people. That Thing You Do! is the best.
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Never Trust a Bowler and his Unified Fund
Bowlers are shifty people (I have zero proof of this). The film Kingpin lets us in on the shady world of Unified Funds. Who knows where the money is going and what the bowlers are doing to single moms. Never trust Bill Murray when he is in bowler mode.
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The Drug Scene in Edinburgh isn’t Glamorous
My 14-year-old world was rocked when I learned that the drug scene in Edinburgh wasn’t glamorous. However, I did learn that the monologues are awesome. Watch Trainspotting now!
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Always Make Sure You Aren’t Entering an Ancient Temple Full of Vampires
I understand that criminals often make rash decisions when on the lam. However, they should always scout the locations before they enter them. A lot of problems would’ve been solved if the characters in From Dusk Till Dawn looked around the back of The Titty Twister to make sure they weren’t entering an evil temple full of vampires. Rookie criminal mistake.
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Small Town Missouri Musical Productions Can Go Terribly Awry
Waiting for Guffman taught me that tiny musical productions can capsize quickly. If you are looking into musical theater make sure the director isn’t a maniac. Be wary of bastard people!
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You can download the pod on Itunes or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The MFF podcast is back and we are talking Suicide Squad, BBQ rib eating, DJ Qualls and a Pretty Woman remake called Pretty Man. If you are a fan of DC annoyance and The Life of Brian you will love this pod. You will hear us break down the DC Extended Universe and ponder what is next for Harley Quinn, The Joker, Deadshot and a totally different Suicide Squad.
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As always, we answer random listener questions and ponder whether Mary Elizabeth Winstead should remake the Kurt Russell classic Breakdown. Sit back, relax and listen to us talk about the CGI blobs in Suicide Squad and the awesomeness of Margot Robbie.
Check out the MFF pod on Blog Talk Radio or head over to Itunes and listen to the randomness!
If you get a chance please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Company of Wolves (1984), featuring two of the most stylishly weird transformation scenes in the genre.
MY CALL: One of the more stylish yet less substantial werewolf movies out there, this movie features two highly memorable transformation scenes worth the price of admission alone. MOVIES LIKE The Company of Wolves: The Brothers Grimm (2005), Sleepy Hollow (1999), Return to Oz (1985), and maybe even Deadtime Stories (1986). Viy: Forbidden Empire (2014) is dark fantasy, but I’d dare not call it good nor would I recommend it for anything but the transformation scene and a few other decent bits.
MORE WEREWOLF MOVIES: The best werewolf movies would have to be An American Werewolf in London (1981; semi-humorous), Ginger Snaps (2000; metaphoric), Dog Soldiers (2002; unconventional) and The Howling (1981; serious).
If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987).
However, I’d advise you skip Red Riding Hood (2011), Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004), Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988), Howling V: The Rebirth (1989), Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) and The Howling: Reborn (2011) unless you are a werewolf movie/franchise completist.
And for more stylish werewolf movies Meridian (1990), Cursed (2005; cliché-loaded and contemporary), Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004), Wolf (1994), Wer (2013), The Wolfman (2010), Wolfcop (2014) An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), Late Phases (2014) and the Underworld movies (2003, 2006, 2009, 2012) are also worth a watch.
Waxwork (1988), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Deadtime Stories (1986), Van Helsing (2004), Monster Squad (1987) and many others also feature werewolves, but not to such centerpiece extent that I’d call them “werewolf movies.”
As if Disney and Grimm had an R-rated lovechild, this film lays on the fairy tale allusions thick with dreams, wicked sisters, animated toys and uber-creepy gingerbread men.
After the tragic loss of her sister (Georgia Slowe) to the wolves of the dark magical woods, young Rosaleen (Sarah Patterson; Snow White) accompanies her grandmother (Angela Lansbury; Murder, She Wrote, The Last Unicorn, Beauty and the Beast) through the woods. Don’t eat the berries and be wary of the beasts that lurk in the shadows, Granny warns… Never eat a windblown apple, never wander from the path, and never trust a man whose eyebrows meet. That’s not exactly the kind of advice you’d hear from Confucius…or a grandma!
While knitting Rosaleen a red garment, Granny warns that sometimes a wolf is more than a wolf and that they come in various disguises. She goes on to spin a “once upon a time” about a unibrowed travelling man (Stephen Rea; Underworld: Awakening, Werewolf: The Beast Among Us) who turns out to be more than he seems. This story is one of several stories told to and by our Red Riding Hood Rosaleen in this pseudo-anthology which features three transformation scenes—and two of them are your reason to watch this movie!
The first transformation scene begins with a subtle change in eye color to a sharp yellow. He proceeds to tear away chunks from his cheek and his forehead, stretching and yanking flaps from his neck and his chin. It’s quite deliciously gross. After tearing away the last of his skin and hair with bony hands he uncovers a fleshless head of sinew from which springs and extends his canine muzzle. It’s all practical effects, of course, and weirdly off-putting—it actually reminds me of the modern “Bodies” exhibit. Finally, his neck extends like a turtle’s from its shell as it unsheathes!
This scene may not be as brutally long and painful as An American Werewolf in London (1981) or as grimy and sloppy as The Howling (1981) or its Wolfcop (2014) successor, but it’s quite effectively uncomfortable to watch.
Another transformation scene in the movie feels brief and comical, more akin to Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987).
And a final transformation scene features a gross writhing tongue followed by the emergence of a wolf’s snout from a man’s wide open mouth (as seen on the movie poster) before it tears its way out of his skin as if it wore him as a suit (a more crude version of the “unzipping” werewolves we find in Trick ‘r Treat).
If you love these transformations, you should check out The Best Transformations of Horror.
This film casts an interesting tone. The mossy, misty woodland scenes will remind you of Labyrinth (1986) and The Dark Crystal (1982)… just without the Henson Muppet creatures.
I have a major soft spot for this movie…perhaps it’s the transformation scenes, perhaps its dark fairy tale nature. But make no mistake, overall this is rather slow-paced and far from exciting. This film is more style than substance, and that style would be best-defined as dark, off-color and aloof—but very cool!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Rift (1990), the same deep sea Aliens rip-off sci-fi-horror you’ve seen before… with more mutant monsters.
MY CALL: A title like The Abyss (1989) for a movie that marries The Thing (1982), Leviathan (1989), Deep Star Six (1989) and Aliens (1986). MOVIES LIKE The Rift: Leviathan (1989), Deep Star Six (1989), The Thing (1982), Harbinger Down (2015) and The Abyss (1989).
Also released as Endless Descent, this movie isn’t trying to hide what it is at all. Essentially, this flick is competing with Leviathan (1989) and Deep Star Six (1989) to be the Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) of deep sea sci-horror submarine movies.
Some special ops guys awaken Wick (Jack Scalia; Red Eye) in his flea bag apartment to recruit him to find “his” lost submarine: the Siren-1. Of course, our hero is jacked, has a raspy voice and is recently divorced (like all late 80s, early 90s antiheroes).
Director and writer Juan Piquer Simón (Pieces, Slugs) has made some cult favorites in horror. But his skills haven’t exactly advanced. The writing/dialogue are atrocious, Wick looks like Sgt Riggs (Mel Gibson from Lethal Weapon), and it only takes five minutes of running time before Wick is on the rescue vessel the Siren-2. Oh, and just because The Abyss (1989) did it, Wick’s ex-wife is on the mission and she’s senior in rank.
Crewman Robbins (Ray Wise; Swamp Thing, Cat People, RoboCop, Twin Peaks) is Wick’s closest ally, Captain Phillips (R. Lee Ermey; The Terror Within II, Se7en, The Frighteners) is the hardass military leader helming this mission, and as if to forecast what was going to go wrong, one crewman is an expert in “biogenics” for no good reason at all.
After circumventing deep sea icebergs (if that’s even a thing) at depths of about thirty thousand feet down an “abyss” they encounter the Siren-1’s distress signal in an area surrounded by plants which, evidently, can’t grow down there due to the complete lack of sunlight. So they take a sample in the name of science. I feel like “let’s just take a sample for science” is the academic version of investigating a weird noise outside or saying “let’s split it.”
Turbulence is experienced as if aboard the Starship Enterprise complete with shaky cameras and the effects budget is incredibly low. When their sub is attacked by a giant sea slug this is made readily apparent. And why are they not making a bigger deal over the GIANT SEA SLUG!?!?! They just go on with the mission…like that shit didn’t even happen? They end up in a conveniently pressurized super deep sea subterranean cave system following the distress beacon of the Siren-1. The atmosphere is toxic and there is evidence of past human occupation.
Playing strongly off of Alien (1979), not only do both movies feature a Kane (Alien) character and an important escape pod scene, but like Aliens (1986) we also we see the crew’s vital stats on a monitor as they are attacked by insectoid monsters in a close quarters cave armed with flood lights and guns. We watch a digital on-screen schematic of the cavern layout with heat signatures for creatures.
Only now do we get any satisfying semblance of gore…and plenty of it as they attacked by some sort of giant worm, these fly-headed bug monsters, mutant piranha-eel fish and what seems like a mix between a Komodo dragon and a piranha! There are tentacle assaults and gooey slimy mutant monster fetuses in an egg chamber overseen by a giant mutant starfish plant monster. It’s senselessly random! It’s cool and all, but for my money I’d favor Galaxy of Terror (1981) or Forbidden World (1982).
Speaking of Forbidden World (1982), the innocuous plant sample taken on board has grown and infested the lab with crusty xenomorphic webby roots like the brood chamber in Aliens (1986). It’s all gushy slimy and pulsating, and it spews infectious gobbledy gook that melds (or melts?) to flesh like The Thing (1982).
What’s strange is that Leviathan (1989) and Deep Star Six (1989) came out not only the same year as The Abyss (1989), but they were released in January and March with The Abyss (1989) following in August. How did that happen when they feel like rip-offs??? Well I guess all of them play off the Aliens (1986) playbook.
And despite being such multi-film sci-horror rip-off, I thought this was every bit as entertaining as all of the other referenced Alien-rips—all of which I enjoy. It heavily delivers on the cheap gore and creature effects, hits a good level of creature diversity, and has its share of cheeky yet unoriginal plot twists. I recommend it to any B-movie fan.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Bloodsport (1988), Van Damme at his spin-kicking best versus the Kumite and Bolo Yeung’s pecs.
MY CALL: Looking for tandem jump spin kicks, perpetual muscle flexing, Belgian butt shots and a secret death match martial arts tournament? Well, look no further! MOVIES LIKE Bloodsport: Other Van Damme movies, of course! But maybe this movie isn’t bad enough for you and you want something a bit more “campy bad.” If that’s the case, try China O’Brien (1990), Outside the Law (2002), Night Vision (1997) or Only the Strong (1993).
So you’re probably wondering “John, this is Van Damme at his best, there are real stars in the cast, he faces an iconic bad guy and the score is awesome! How could this be a bad movie?”
Fair question. Well, when it came out I’d say it was epic and into the 90s it was awesome…and it’s still awesome to maybe you, definitely me, and most people who saw it back in the 80s or early 90s. But, come on. By today’s standards this is not awesome; not to most 18-year-olds. This is a once great movie that is sort of now bad.
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This movie opens with a serene sort of martial arts movie perfection. Most 80s martial arts movies open with synth scoring and annoying clichés. Quite to the contrary we are practically bewitched by the completely exotic East Asian scoring (by Paul Hertzog; Kickboxer) as we enjoy scenes from busy Chinese streets and preparations being made for the legendary underground tournament.
“But hold on, this sounds far too legit. Didn’t you say this was a Bad Movie Tuesday?” Well, yeah it is. You see, mixed in with these insightful shots are two street thug-looking dudes in denim vests (a la Roadhouse) who are meant to protect the world’s most secret martial arts tournament from discovery with their puny biceps and no weapons to be found.
The answer is YES…
He IS ALWAYS flexing.
But I really need to return to the score. The music is mystical, enchanting even, as we watch martial artists around the world breaking giant ice blocks, sparring and training for the chance to prove they’re the best.
When we meet Captain Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme; Kickboxer, Double Impact, Time Cop) he’s spin-kicking a speed bag in a unitard, snug around the butt and sweaty biceps glistening for the ladies. By the way, it seems that everyone and their mother knows who got invited to the “secret” Kumite and that it’s in Hong Kong. This goes doubly for Dux’s commanding officer, who he slips with the old “I’ll be in office right after I take a shower” gag. Psych!
Dux is quite stylish—a common trend in JCVD characters, in fact—showing up to his Shidoshi’s (Roy Chiao; Enter the Dragon, Game of Death, The Protector) home in the kind of leather jacket you’d see a wealthy pornographer or 80s Glam Rock band member wearing. While he waits to pay homage to his master, he reflects…aaaaaand fade to flashback!
This movie might just feature the coolest training montage ever! It features blindfolded fighting, meditation, music that is simply magical, five tandem ridgehand chops to the stomach, concentration exercises, bare-handed fishing, extreme flexibility, some serious shinai work, the hands-down toughest white belt I’ve ever seen, the most brutal stretching exercise, and blindfolded tea parties. Beat that, Rocky!
Let’s touch on our supporting cast. Ray Jackson (Donald Gibb; Transylvania 6-5000) is his lovably ignorant American lug and sidekick, reporter Janice (Leah Ayres; The Burning) is the sexy love interest with a nose for a story and trying to sneak her way into the Kumite, the young and pushy Agent Rawlins (Forest Whitaker; Species, Battlefield Earth) and the older calmer Agent Helmer (Norman Burton; American Ninja 5, Deep Space) are hot on Frank’s trail, and then there’s Frank and Ray’s guide Lin (Ken Siu) who’s good for more than a few laughs and some blatant exposition.
I guess it does make a difference if Bruce Springsteen is a Shidoshi because upon arrival to the Kumite, Frank’s round-eyed legitimacy is challenged and to prove himself he must perform the Dim Mak (death touch). This is among the most famous moments of this movie. Of course they say “bottom one” when picking bricks from the stack—which was conveniently already set up. I wonder who else had to do the Dim Mak. And I wonder if Jackson assumed the old master was ordering Frank to get him a fast food value meal.
But would the top one really be so easy? Think about it. It’s a stack of five bricks. To break the top one without affecting the bricks below it would be brutally difficult as well. Either way, this is amaze-balls-tactic! But for some reason, Chong Li (Bolo Yeung; Enter the Dragon, Double Impact) is among the audience and he looks like he could care less or maybe simply has indigestion from his large vanilla shake, Double Bacon Dee Mac and fries—he’s the only guy wearing a sweatshirt as if he just returned from a Shoney’s buffet and felt embarrassed about being bloated the day before the Kumite. Meanwhile, wearing a male stripper tank top and slacks, Dux slams the stack for the absolute best exploding brick scene in movie history. You should see his face: TOTAL INTENSITY! It’s like Dux simultaneously explosively sharted and unexpectedly saw boobs for the first time—he actually makes that face several times. And yet Chong Li is so not impressed, taunting “Very good. But brick not hit back.” What a doofus!
That face you make when you reeeeeally had to poop.
Well, it’s the day of the Kumite and Frank’s warming up in the hotel. “That hurts me just lookin’ at it,” says Jackson with a morning beer in his hand. Of course we come across Frank’s two-chair straddling mediation session (not unlike his recent Volvo truck commercial) which made Jackson beg: “You know you better stop doin’ that stuff. You may wanna’ have kids one of these days.”
About now I’d like to pause and assess how we know this is a bad movie:
- How is this ancient-looking marble-walled and gold-calligraphied temple somehow kept a secret when it’s basically in the basement of a poor tenement building in Hong Kong?
- Donald Gibb is in this. You know? The big Viking from the Capitol One commercials and the big jock from Revenge of the Nerds (1984).
- The African martial artist prances about like a monkey and karate chops coconuts. Don’t mess with that guy.
- Was the guy fighting on the beach in maybe Hawaii (I suppose?) just street fighting for cash? His opponent was not impressive. Some of these fighters aren’t as convincing as the scintillating background music. The smallest Sumo wrestler ever throws a sack and knocks over two little guys—soooooo we’re establishing that his big and strong? FML.
- Shidoshi Tanaka’s 12-year-old son is his home security system and instead of sounding an alarm he expedites kicks to the stomach.
- The flashbacks to Frank’s childhood feature the gawkiest actor and the worst lines ever. Based on meeting young Frank, you’d assume he’d never have sex in his life…EVER!
- If the tournament is held in Hong Kong, an epicenter of Chinese martial arts, why does the Kumite winner receive a Katana, the quintessential Japanese weapon?
- How did Shingo Tanaka die??? Frank basically claims Shingo’s ticket to the Kumite and we get no explanation!
- If you pay close attention, you’ll realize that Frank was a white belt for years. But then, presto! He’s a black belt just in time for the Kumite.
- So is the Kumite a secret or not. Janice calls it a secret and two fighters won’t say a word. Jackson meets a stranger (i.e., Frank Dux) at an arcade game and mentions the Kumite casually in passing like “come see me fight in the Kumite.” The investigators are trying to find the secret location, yet everyone seems to know everyone who’s invited.
- The fights feature completely gratuitous tactical rolls (by JCVD), needlessly hurling people out of the ring, the Sumo wrestler gets punched in the nuts by TWO different opponents, the Sumo wrestler also performs TWO back-breaks and no one bats an eye at it (foreshadowing Kickboxer???), and silly grandstanding.
- The entirety of Bolo Yeung’s lines are: “Very good, but brick not hit back…You are next…You break my record, now I break you like I break your friend…Matte.”
- Dux finishes off Chong Li with four tandem jump skin kicks to the head, which I’m pretty sure would be fatal.
The first couple fights are laughably weak. But then, as if it was the first day in the prison yard, Chong Li straight up kills a clearly inferior opponent for all to see, as if he was just making a point.
For the most part, this is not a movie for technical fight choreography snobs who live for the likes of Tony Jaa (Ong Bak), Scott Adkins (Universal Solder: Day of Reckoning), Michael Jai White (Undisputed 2-3) or Iko Uwais (The Raid: Redemption). The fights are generally unimpressive by today’s standards, although quite decent outside of Hong Kong cinema in the 80s. Although, a couple of fights (e.g., the one between two obvious martial artists who had almost no dialogue) were of higher caliber. And, of course, Van Damme dances about with the sleekest and smoothest choreography in the movie—whereas Yeung enjoys the more brutally abrupt fights. The style of the music trades between them accordingly. Already in his 40s when he made this movie, Bolo Yeung brings his “old man strong” game as he busts his opponent’s knee in one of the worst leg breaks.
Now let’s lighten things up…
How about some highlights…? I just love the playful and quite polite chase scene through the streets of Hong Kong, prancing in the streets and running across chains of small boats to Steal the Night; there’s an obligatory Van Damme butt shot for the ladies after the least action hero-iest “love scene” ever; and Van Damme’s fight against the Sumo wrestler is unforgettable.
This is the movie that established the Van Damme staples: a Belgian butt shot (with the reporter), splits during a fight (vs Sumo), tandem jump spin kicks (vs Chong Li), and a sappy closing scene with the subject of his motivation (with Jackson).
This is one of Van Damme’s best and most rewatchable movies. What’s odd is that this was the only movie in which Van Damme was totally dominating his final bad guy—until, of course, Chong Li cheated and blinded him. Typically, Van Damme gets his ass handed to him then suddenly finds mid-fight motivation to save the day like Hulk Hogan back in the early WrestleManias.
In either case, this movie is a spectacle that every man over 30 should own and love. Buy it, watch it, then join our nostalgia by listening to our Van Damme podcast episode!
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John’s Horror Corner: Lights Out (2016), Mama meets the Babadook as we watch Wan’s new vengeful ghost.
MY CALL: This was the satisfying result of mixing the ghost from Mama (2013), the mother from The Babadook (2014) and a Springwood, Ohio address for that A Nightmare on Elm Street–iness (1984). Not original and quite predictable, yet still highly entertaining and creepy. MOVIES LIKE Lights Out: Mama (2013), The Babadook (2014) and The Boogeyman (2005). Even Carrie (2013) if you’re in the mood specifically for batshit crazy moms.
Despite their simplicity, these scenes were creeeeeeeeeeeeepy!
There’s really not much substance to this story. Martin (Gabriel Bateman; Annabelle) is a little boy living with his clearly mentally ill mother (Maria Bello; Secret Window, Demonic) and…let’s just say that her actions (or inaction, neglect, what have you) leave Martin fearing for his life, deathly afraid of the dark and falling asleep.
Having fled their mother years earlier over similar issues, Martin’s much older adult sister Rebecca (Teresa Palmer; Warm Bodies, Wolf Creek, The Grudge 2) steps in to protect Martin from their mother’s manic neglect and maybe something more.
It turns out that nightmares from Rebecca’s past are being relived by young Martin, who in turn has resurrected their evil’s attention to Rebecca. And that evil is something vile!
I was very pleased with the acting, good production value, and I thought the effects were everything they needed to be. Nothing seemed wanting, nor was there any need or desire for gore. Despite being limited to shadowy figures most of the time, our wicked phantom looked pretty awesomely creepy and, on that note, the creepy atmosphere was pretty effective.
If this movie feels a bit familiar to you, you’re not alone. I felt like our evil ghost twitched and burped about in the shadows a lot like Mama (2013) doing her best impression of The Grudge (2004) ghost, the mother had a slew of psychological issues like our favorite abusive mom in The Babadook (2014), and those close links between our victims’ fear of the dark reminded me a bit of The Boogeyman (2005) or, since James Wan (The Conjuring 1-2, Insidious 1-2) is this film’s producer, perhaps even Dead Silence (2007) when we see our haggish specter’s face. You might even feel some echoes of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) in there—there were more than a few parallels.
Playfully renewing our fear of the dark with a series of predictable yet highly enjoyable jump scares, director David F. Sandberg’s (Annabelle 2) first feature length horror film pretty much plays it safe and by the numbers. But you know what? Sometimes that’s okay. Nothing great about this film, but I really enjoyed it. It was fun and I’d recommend it for a good popcorn horror night or fun scary movie date night.
This director handled his first mainstream horror gig very well, he embraced Wan’s horror influence, and I’m excited to see whatever he does next.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast #69: Stranger Things
You can download the pod on Itunes or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Summary: This week we discuss the new Netflix Streaming series Stranger Things (2016) and all the 80s movie references that made us fall in love with it. If you want to hear more spooky podcast shenanigans, check out Episode 68: Ghostbusters.
We answer the tough questions in this podcast! For example…
“Is MUTO a mispronunciation of Mothra?”
“Who are the best characters with numbers for names?”
“What movie monsters are actually scary?”
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO,
or head over iTunes, and if you get a chance please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
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You Can Do It!: A Look at Adam Sandler’s Epic 20-Year Run
While researching Adam Sandler’s Netflix deal for our recently released podcast I had an interesting revelation. Adam Sandler has owned the last 20 years. His films may be hated by critics (fair enough) but they never stop making money. He has found a way to adapt and stay relevant in a day and age of superheroes and more superheroes. The recent reports about the demise of his career after Pixels flopped have proven to be false, and as we head into 2017 Adam Sandler has broken all of Netflix’s records and his last five theatrically released films have collected $1,350,000,000 at the worldwide box office.
I’m not speaking for the quality of his films. If I was talking about who has made the best films of the last 20 years his name wouldn’t be in the top 100. What I’m trying to get at it is nobody has done what he’s done in the last 20 years. The guy has done zero press since 1996 and has proven that flops don’t mean the end of a career. For example, He was on the ropes in 2013 after Jack & Jill and That’s My Boy, so he went back to sequel land with the massively popular Grown Ups 2. The popular movie made $247 million at the international box office (good press) and was so disliked (7% RT) the hosts of a podcast called The Worst Idea Ever watched it 52 times and podcasted about it each week (more press). Sandler films are like the NCIS of cinema. They are massive hits, spin-off into different worlds and are always watched because they is something comfortable about them.
John Turturro kills it in Sandler movies.
The following piece isn’t meant to be controversial or unrealistic. I genuinely think that Adam Sandler has been the cinematic king of the last 20 years because he has remained a box office draw while avoiding comic book franchises and actual good movies (there are a few exceptions). Other actors have made more money, worked with great directors, won more Oscars and collected more critical accolades. However, nobody has managed to collect $3,776,934,763 at the domestic box office by making movies that feature Dave Matthews picking up a coconut with his butt. No other actor on the planet could make a movie about an undercover commando/hairdresser and make over $200 million worldwide.
John Turturro is the best.
Here are the films that make up the “Sandler” catalog. All of them feature Sandler and his cohorts engaging in mostly PG-13 shenanigans.
Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, The Waterboy, Big Daddy, Little Nicky, Mr. Deeds, Eight Crazy Nights, Anger Management, 50 First Dates, The Longest Yard, Click, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, Bedtime Stories, Grown Ups, Just Go With It, Jack & Jill, That’s My Boy, Hotel Transylvania, Grown Ups 2, Blended, Pixels and Hotel Transylvania 2.
These 24 films have averaged $157,372,381 at the domestic box office (accounting for inflation) while being directed by non-household names like Steven Brill, Frank Boraci and Dennis Dugan. It is insane to think this collection of films with an average Rotten Tomatoes critical average of 31.9% have done so well. Also, there have been ebbs and flows but box office numbers have remained steady over the last 20 years.
Sandler has one of the most loyal fan bases on the planet and they’ve stuck by him through thick and thin (even when he confuses them with Punch Drunk Love). He can literally make movies about four dudes hanging out (Grown Ups 1 & 2) and they make over $500 million worldwide. His international audience is growing and according to Netflix statistics the film Blended is loved in South America (random). I still watch every Sandler film because there is something magnetic about them. Jack and Jill may be a terrible film, but it features Al Pacino singing about Dunkaccinos.
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He has made other films in the last 20 years. The majority of the good ones haven’t been “Sandler” films. He worked with Paul Thomas Anderson on Punch Drunk Love and Judd Apatow on Funny People. These directors worked his acting style into their films and it worked brilliantly. On top of his successful acting forays he has produced some hits (Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo), cult comedies (Grandma’s Boy, Joe Dirt, House Bunny) and outright atrocities (Deuce Bigelow 2, Bench Warmers). The guy has been everywhere and has built a Sandler Cinematic Universe that is highly forgiving of his occasional attempts at real acting.
What I love about his exclusive four picture Netflix deal is that he’s become an early adopter and doesn’t have to worry about critics. Wired published an article entitled “Netflix is using Adam Sandler To Beat Hollywood And Rule The World” that chronicles Netlfix’s wise decision. The title statement isn’t hyperbole because Sandler is a bona-fide worldwide star and “any Sandler movie from the last 20 years immediately make the top 10 in any country when Netflix makes it available.” His first Netflix film The Ridiculous 6 has a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score but it is the most watched film in Netflix history. An added bonus is the Netflix deal makes it easier for people to hate-watch his films and share their dislike online. I understand the dislike, but all the press just makes more people want to watch the “trainwrecks.” His movies are press machines because a lot of online writers want to write about why his movies are terrible. The problem is the majority of his fans don’t care and will watch regardless of the films coherence.
Adam Sandler’s 20 year reign isn’t going to stop anytime soon. He has two films left on his Netflix deal, and he just wrapped up work on the Noah Baumbach (The Squid and the Whale, Frances Ha) directed Yeh Din Ka Kissa. Hotel Transylvania 3 will make another $400 million worldwide and whatever else he makes after the Netflix deal will certainly make its money back. Who would’ve thought the guy from Billy Madison would have such a great run.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Thor the Conqueror (1983), another deliciously awful Italian fantasy B-movie.
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Images of blurred out boobs
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MY CALL: If you’re a fan of atrociously bad 80s fantasy B-movies loaded with the worst fight scenes, depictions magic, occasional sexploitation, and creature effects ever—see it. If you have to ask, this probably isn’t for you. MOVIES LIKE Thor the Conqueror: Do you like this 80s fantasy badness? How about Flash Gordon (1980), Sorceress (1982), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983), The Devil’s Sword (1984), The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987). All of these movies are better than Barbarian Queen (1985) in every possible way except for amply breast-filled minutes of screen time. Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”? Then perhaps aim for Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size.
Bad movie posters. There is no bear or elephant in this movie, he doesn’t have short blond hair, she isn’t blond nor does she ever wear a fur bikini. ALL LIES! LOL
I’m not gonna’ lie. I bought this on an intoxicated Amazon shopping spree several years ago and have been dreading the day that I finally decide to watch it. Well, today is that day! Director Tonino Ricci (Cave of the Sharks, Night of the Sharks) and writer Tino Carpi (Tentacle, Warriors of the Wasteland), who have probably never made anything good between both their careeres, have provided our ultra-classy viewing enjoyment for the evening.
Don’t pretend you don’t see the resemblance.
We start by meeting a barbarian who looks like a caveman Weird Al Yankovic, his wizard companion and his pregnant wife. After she scurries off into the bushes to give birth they are ambushed and face some of the silliest sword fighting ever. For real, LARPers are more lethal with foam weapons than these idiotic berserkers. After the barbarian father is killed by some kind of evil bad guy leader with an arrow through the neck, the wizard casts some spell to magically teleport himself and newborn baby Thor to safety. Evidently he couldn’t be troubled to try to save the mother or anyone else with his sorcery. He later demonstrates some magical abilities that could have come in handy in saving Thor’s parents!
Thor (Bruno Minniti; A Man Called Rage, The Porno Killers) is raised by the wizard, who apparently taught him swordsmanship—because wizards are known for that skill set—and not magic. Go figure.
After a couple destitute action sequences his wizard surrogate dad pulls an Obi-Wan and turns permanently into an owl (for really no reason at all) to oversee Thor attaining his destiny, which apparently involves reclaiming his murdered father’s sword. I’d again like to point out the power of this wizard and how he could have saved Thor’s family or simply accomplished Thor’s stupid quest on his own with ease. He was casting spells from the afterlife, so he could have teleported Thor to the sword, and that would be it. Boom: movie.
On his generally vague journey Thor is charged with fighting some women, escaping a tribe of primitive natives, meeting his hardly-clothed captive-turned-girlfriend Ina (Maria Romano; Violence in a Woman’s Prison, Women’s Prison Massacre), defeating his father’s murderer Gnut (Raf Baldassarre; The Killer Wore Gloves), and presumably engaging is forcefully non-consensual intercourse with two women—at the wizard’s encouragement to completely disregard the women’s rights or choice in the matter! But hey, there’s consensual sex, too.
For real, her boob is ready to pull a Tara Reid and flop out at any moment throughout the movie.
So what makes this a bad movie? Here are a few clues:
- Thor’s first scenes have him speaking like Tarzan. Then later he talks normally. Then back to “Me, Thor. You bad guy.” No clue why.
- His wizard adopted-father basically tells him to “have his way” with a scantily clad woman. “Go on and rape her, son.” .. classy.
- There’s violence against women. Thor straight up breaks a warrior woman’s neck while choking her out, then knocks a woman down and fondles her. I’m so embarrassed to have seen this movie! SMH
- Your drunk, overweight, Dungeons and Dragons-playing friends who have never been in a fight could stage better fight scenes than I witnessed in this POS movie.
- A sword turns into a snake…then nothing happens! Apparently, a shot of a snake doing nothing was considered a big deal to the filmmakers. I just scratched my head, chugged a beer, and tried to get on with my life.
- Later Thor milks snake venom from a clearly non-venomous snake.
- This is basically a mild exploitation movie. And, like in Sorceress (1982), our protagonist has never seen the opposite sex. Yet when exposed, he knows EXACTLY what to do with bare boobs!
- Scan through this review and read the parenthetically annotated movies the cast, writer and director have done. Pure drudgery!
- Needlessly scantily clad women. I’m not complaining, though.
- The wizard “likes to watch” and boy is it creepy.
- Thor is given the “first ever” horse in a world that has never witnessed mounted combat. So he rides it “to” the fight, then dismounts. Idiot!
![Thor the Conqueror[(027426)11-33-08]](https://moviesfilmsandflix.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/thor-the-conqueror02742611-33-08.jpg?w=600&h=474)
This movie is terrible in so many ways. But like many bad movies, if you go in knowing what you’re in for, it might be exactly what you wanted. So sit back, have a few beers, and join a friend in watching one of the worst fantasy flicks of the 80s.
Movies, Films & Flix 
