Bad Movie Tuesday: Easily Solved Problems at The Big Wedding
Spoiler Alert! The Big Wedding is odd. It is like the glossy/unlikable/raunchy step-cousin to My Big Fat Greek Wedding, My Best Friend’s Wedding and Runaway Bride. It is the perfect example of rich people’s problems being solved within 90 minutes.
Good looking people easily solving their long-standing problems is a staple of cinema. Nothing about them resembles the real world and they are often soul crushing (My Best Friend’s Girl, The Change-Up, Identity Thief, Bride Wars, Larry Crowne, Mad Money, Town & Country, Raising Helen, You, Me & Dupree, Because I Said So). They all feature pedigreed casts and scripts that seemingly are written by a committee who rewrites what other committees write. The Big Wedding is the quintessential rich people lying and becoming better for it film.
The Big Wedding is an odd infusion of three families coming together to celebrate a wedding. A wedding infused with adultery, bisexuality, virginity, pregnancy, Robin Williams and DeNiro talking about “laying the pipe.” It desperately wants to be a screwball comedy and Love Actually. However, the glossy exterior and cheeky treatment of important issues creates an odd infusion of desperation and insanity. When I say the word “glossy” I mean that everything is clean, the lighting is manicured, there are lemons in every kitchen and it all feels sanitized. It is corporate to the bone and insulting in the way it treats depressing issues cheekily. Problems are solved in true Arthur Fonzarelli ways. For instance, people say “I committed adultery! Ayyyy!!!!.” Then, everybody smiles.
Ayy!
The film revolves around a wealthy family lead by Robert DeNiro and Diane Keaton. They divorced years ago and now he is with her former best friend Susan Sarandon. Keaton and DeNiro adopted a kid named Alejandro (everybody says it with flair. He likes being called Al) who is getting married to Amanda Seyfried. Her wealthy family is in town and they are every uppity white person trope combined (they order Colombians chimichangas). Joining them are Alejandro’s parents who have traveled from Colombia and are massively Catholic (Don’t know about parent’s divorce). So, DeNiro and Keaton pretend to be married while Sarandon stays at a hotel. Thus, lies and problems that only occur in romantic comedies happen and the three families argue, have sex and find out who had sex in the past.
Joining the narrative is a pregnant Katherine Heigel who might get a divorce because her husband thinks she can’t get pregnant (I think). Then, there is the virgin Topher Grace who loses his virginity to Alejandro’s sister. About 86% of what goes down in this film centers around sex. The other 14% focuses on people lying about having sex.
When The Big Wedding was released I was shocked that a movie with such a pedigreed cast could sneak into the theaters. I never saw a preview, didn’t know who was in it and wasn’t surprised when the critics attacked it with vitriol (7% Rotten Tomatoe score). It is insulting cinema at it’s finest that doesn’t care enough to offer a good script. The cast of this film has appeared in stellar family/relationship cinema like Bull Durham, Meet the Parents, Knocked Up, Annie Hall, The Bird Cage, In Good Company and Mean Girls. So, it is odd that they would sign up for this. My theory is that DeNiro and Keaton wanted to work together and the rest of the cast wanted to work with them. The problem is that nobody bothered to read the script because they were working with DeKeaton!
The Big Wedding is a remake of a 2006 French film that got lost in translation. It can’t capture the zany hilariousness of The Birdcage (another French remake) or create the likable characters featured in My Big Fat Greek Wedding (Sadly, not a French remake). There are no real world solutions in TBW because everything is so manicured and fake. A good cast cannot overcome lazy writing. People cannot be likable if they have no personality.
Don’t watch The Big Wedding. Watch the films I mentioned above.
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Deathstalker (1983), where Dungeons & Dragons, boobs and Flash Gordon all seem to come together
MY CALL: Brilliantly bad, this is the quintessential guilty pleasure that I hoped to find on HBO late at night 20 years ago. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Like the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”? Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size. Like the “bad”? How about Flash Gordon (1980), Kull the Conquerer (1997) or Krull (1983)?
If you play Dungeons & Dragons and like bad horror, boobs and Flash Gordon (1980), this seems to be about where those things meet.
So Deathstalker (Richard Hill; Deathstalker IV, Cyborg II), yeah that’s his name and no one ever questions it, is basically the frat bro acquaintance rapist of R-rated 80s fantasy. He thinks he’s better than poor people, he’s blonder than anyone else he’s ever met, he clearly spends some time in the gym, and any time he does anything for a woman he thinks he’s entitled to…you know…force himself upon her and expect her to be grateful for it.
You know the D&D adventure has started when some loony witch informs Deathstalker that he must find three sacred objects–a chalice, an amulet and a sword–before the evil tattoo-faced wizard Munkar gets his hands on them. He must also rescue the oft-naked Princess Codille (Barbi Benton) from Munkar. It’s never really explained what the sacred objects do, why Munkar wants them and, if Munkar were to get them as he planned, why he’d need the princess any more. But whatever…sticking with the D&D theme, I guess this all doesn’t need to make sense.
I know what you’re thinking…”by the power of Grayskull, I have the power!” And yes, this was better than Masters of the Universe in both silliness and breast count.
During his quest he encounters rape-y mongoloid mutant hillbillies of fantasy, ogres and a goblin that reminds me of the miscreants from Ghoulies (1985). Like any classic heroes’ quest, Deathstalker encounters allies during his journey: a monstrous keeper of some relic transforms into a human ally, a beach-bodied bro wearing one of those gay-looking crop-top 80s belly shirts, and the constantly bare-breasted warrioress Kaira (Lana Clarkson; Barbarian Queen I & II, The Haunting of Morella).
By the look on Kaira’s face, that rufi Deathstalker slipped her is about…to take…effect. SCORE!
Deathstalker is met with some challenges. Munkar’s magic transforms his henchman into a beautiful woman to assassinate Deathstalker (and Deathstalker almost forces himself upon the him-transformed-to-a-her for some sexy time), he enters a tournament to prove he’s the greatest warrior in the land and fights an ogrish pig-faced barbarian, and he overcomes more of Munkar’s deceptive illusions.
[THUNK!]
This pleasantly humorous note shows us that the director really cared.
I think Munkar is staring at Deathstalker’s sculpted, glistening man boobs.
This movie was deliciously classless. We had TnA within the first 3 minutes with loads of nudity, generally exploitative shots and misogyny to follow. Yes, this is an exploitation flick. But it’s still far from soft core; just really raunchy. It features all the nudity of a Girls Gone Wild video with about the same attention to plot. However every effort was made to approach this budgetless mess in an ambitious fashion, which made it waaaaaay more fun.
Even before the recent success of Spartacus we had visionary directors. This movie featured blood, blades, boobs, manhandling group orgies and mud wrestling!
No, dear. This role as a bare-breasted warrioress didn’t turn out to be the big acting break you expected. All you got out of this was a starring role as a bare-breasted warrioress in Barbarian Queen and, wait for it, yet another role as a bare-breasted warrioress in Barbarian Queen II. Who’d’ve thought…?
There are some cheesy blood sprays and head loppings, an arm is festively torn asunder and used as an impromptu weapon, and Munkar’s funny little pet looks like a sock puppet covered in rotten meat. The fight choreography is laughable at best, mixing lame sparring with drunken sloppy WWE moves. I’d like to point out that Richard Hill reprises his role as Deathstalker in Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans (1991), which means there isn’t just one, but three sequels to this trash! That fact alone is worthy of juvenile celebration.
Watch this, remember that no means no (no matter what Deathstalker thinks), and feel like you’re a dirty-minded teenager waiting for your parents to go to bed all over again.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Visitor (1979), the weirdest, most senselessly dumb thing you’ll ever see…in a bad way
A movie poster that makes no sense…NONE! There are no evil claws and there is no giant evil eyeball.
MY CALL: I watched this because someone called it one of the great horror movies and that it had more jaw-drops per minute than anything else they had ever seen. I’ve learned never again to trust this reviewer…EVER!
From the first minute this movie is clearly anything but normal. Barbara’s daughter Katy Collins is almost eight year old, sociopathic and terrifyingly precocious. She likes to bully boys at the ice skating rink and she’s really good at Pong. No idea why. The director must have thought it was symbolic or clever or something.
Then there’s Raymond. Raymond (Lance Henriksen; The Pit and the Pendulum, AVP) owns a basketball team and is a member of a strange cultish group. Raymond has been tasked by his weird cult with marrying and procreating with Barbara, the only woman of our generation capable of giving birth to an evil, empowered lineage. Making any sense yet? No? Well this won’t help. There’s also a Christ-like figure who seems to be leading a cult of robed, monk children and another tall, culty-looking, bearded, really old guy who is going to find Katy Collins and bring her back…to their cult of little bald kids…with the Christ guy…that’s a little creepy.
Weird guy!
More confusing than the story itself was the music. I cannot recall a more senselessly scored movie. Quite mundane scenes (like a dude walking down some stairs really casually or someone waiting in the halls in the hospital) are dynamically scored for no reason. In fact, the whole movie is senseless. The repetitive use of birds as a “symbol” failed across the board. The bird scenes are not compelling, thoughtful or interesting–they’re just annoying.
This movie seems to fail at EVERYTHING. The only entertaining aspect of this movie was what they got such a young child actress to say on screen in the 70s. Some of her lines were a little messed up, reminding me of The Possessed (1975).
Right now you may think I’m skipping over a lot of major plot details. However, they make so little sense that the review would just be more confusing.
Like when this happens.
I watched this because someone called it one of the great horror movies and that it had more jaw-drops per minute than anything else they had ever seen. I’ve learned never again to trust this reviewer…EVER!
An alternate poster that also makes no sense at all.
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John’s Horror Corner: You’re Next (2013), featuring one of the best credibly tough horror heroines I’ve seen in a decade!
MY CALL: Horrible filmmaking…but being unexpectedly complemented by one of the best credibly tough horror heroines in the last decade makes it all worth it. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Vacancy (2007) and The Strangers (2008) capture the “why is this happening to us” tone, but The Purge (2013) really nails down the team domestic assault aspect.
Directed by Adam Wingard (V/H/S 2: Phase I Clinical Trials, V/H/S: Tape 56, The ABCs of Death: Q is for Quack) and written by Simon Barrett (V/H/S 2: Tape 49 and Phase I Clinical Trials, V/H/S: Tape 56 and Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger, The ABCs of Death: Q is for Quack), this movie failed in most respects except for excellently presenting a credibly tough female survivor character. This is difficult to do without getting carried away, and it should be acknowledged that this is major. However, despite their ability to entertain me with some of their short films, as filmmakers they failed me here. I was entertained and this wasn’t a bad movie experience for me, but it was all because one well-crafted character saved this movie for me.
THE PLAYERS: Parents Paul (Rob Moran) and Aubrey (Barbara Crampton; Re-Animator, Chopping Mall, From Beyond) are celebrating their 35th anniversary at their secluded house with their children Crispin (A. J. Bowen; The House of the Devil, The Signal, Chillerama) and his girlfriend and the savior of this movie Erin (Sharni Vinson; Step Up 3D); Drake (Joe Swanberg; Cabin Fever 2, V/H/S) and his wife Kelly (Margaret Laney, credited as Sarah Myers); Felix (Nicholas Tucci) and his new girlfriend Zee (Wendy Glenn; 11/11/11); and daughter Amy (Amy Seimetz; Silver Bullets) and her boyfriend Tariq (Ti West; The Innkeepers, Cabin Fever 2).
These are your killer. They wear masks that would make it impossibly difficult to keep their eye on the target while swinging an axe or shooting a crossbow.
This movie approaches Vacancy and The Strangers but changes the victims from a couple to a family of ten. Otherwise, quite similarly, the location is remote, contact to the outside world is cut off, and we don’t know why our killers are trying to kill them (for a while anyway). This premise should have the ability to be very exciting, but your thrills will be serially curbed by the break in tempo you’ll endure when you are forced to watch the characters interact with one another.
This well-written character tries to seduce her boyfriend next to the dead body of a family member of his. There is really no build up to justify this extreme behavior.
Yup…it’s sad. The characters are terribly written and their choices and issues seem dumb even for a horror movie–even when you consider that they’re irrational and scared for their lives. The one exception is thankfully a glowing one: Erin. Sharni Vinson does an AMAZING job in this role! Erin is a strong-willed woman who makes believably smart choices while remaining appropriately scared. She maintains just enough control, avoids life-ending idiotic decisions, and when she’s fighting for her life she does it credibly whether she’s striking someone by surprise in the throat or recklessly jumping out a window to escape a killer. She’s never depicted as unrealistically strong, tough, invulnerable, ninja-like or brilliant. What’s great is that, however unlikely, they even provide us with a reason that she can handle herself so well under duress.
Here’s Erin. She can handle an axe about as well as she suppresses her PTSD. My kind of woman!
Like our heroine from I Spit on Your Grave (2010), Erin goes through Hell, gets considerably hurt and accumulates several debilitating injuries, and finds most of her strength in her desperation and anger with her situation. The major difference between the two is that nothing horrible happened to Erin for her to seek revenge. Instead, some folks just starting killing everyone at a dinner party and she reacted in kind.
Erin, you’ve made wielding an axe sexy again! Thank you for that and thank you for saving this movie!
The story was unoriginal, incredibly simple, and yielded a plot twist which I think you’ll be expecting before they finally get around to the big reveal. The blood, screaming, lacerations and impalements were abundant and, if you could get over the poorly written bonkers randomness of it all, there were some thrills to be had, though mostly thanks to Erin-fueled adrenaline!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Faculty (1998), tons of fun and cliques of before-they-were-famous actors
MY CALL: Monstrous aliens Body Snatch the faculty of a small Ohio high school in this clique-y high school throwback filled with before-they-were-famous A-listers. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Here is a half dozen more movies pitting clique-y 18-year olds against the forces of evil in various forms… Disturbing Behavior (1998), Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999), Urban Legend (1998), The Craft (1996), Idle Hands (1999), Class of ’99 (1990).
Director Robert Rodriguez (From Dusk til Dawn, Planet Terror) delivers a fun horror experience in this clique-y high school throwback. As if pulled from the Breakfast Club‘s Saturday detention, we find a motley crew of completely dissimilar backgrounds and values who are forced to work together against their common enemy, forces of evil: their teachers!
The players include the shallow it-girl Delilah (Scream Queen Jordana Brewster; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Fast Five), the drug-peddling closet intellectual Zeke (Josh Hartnett; 30 Days of Night, Sin City), the bullied quiet kid Casey (Elijah Wood; Maniac), the maybe-lesbian antisocialite Stokely (Clea Duval; Identity, American Horror Story), the football team captain Stan (Shawn Hatosy; John Q, The Postman) and the southern belle do-gooder Mary Beth (Laura Harris; Dead Like Me, Dead Zone). Some fellow student cameos include sesident stoner (Danny Masterson) and the token black guy (Usher).
That’s one Hell of a cast of before-they-were-huge actors! When I recently saw this movie again, I found the cast to be as enjoyable as “the movie.” It’s fun seeing a bunch of star power in a movie you saw years ago without knowing they’d one day be a big deal (or, at least, slightly more famous). But we’ve only looked at half the cast.
Facing off against the students, we have the faculty, including the super mousy English teacher (Famke Janssen; Hemlock Grove, Deep Rising, The House on Haunted Hill), football coach and gym class teacher (Robert Patrick; Terminator 2: Judgment Day), biology teacher Dr. Furlong (Jonathan Stewart), Nurse Harper (Salma Hayek; From Dusk til Dawn, Dogma), Principal Drake (Bebe Neuwirth) and some other teacher who played a famous role (Daniel von Bargen; The Silence of the Lambs, Thinner).
After being taken over by alien monsters in this Body Snatchers-Puppet Masters sampler, this high school faculty begins to behave much as the cold, transient high school educators we find today biding their time until moving on to what they think will be more glamorous careers. Blatant, weird stares, stolid faces and socially awkward over-explanations of simple concepts clarify to the audience who has or hasn’t yet been claimed by the alien lifeforms–as if we needed our hands held to understand this. But, then again…this movie was marketed to high schoolers around the “no child left behind” days. Anyway, this hardly begins to explain the weird behavior of the faculty.
See what I mean? This stuff isn’t normal….rain-worming (whatever that is)…staring at your student’s bedroom window from the street in the middle of the night…
Mr. Furlong and Casey find some alien, aquatic larva which grows rapidly in water and self clones in seconds. You’ve gotta’ appreciate all of the movie-referencing in the dialogue (e.g., Aliens, The Puppet Masters, Men in Black, Invasion of the Body Snatchers), when our protagonists emulate the “who’s one of them” test from The Thing and when a teacher’s severed head “crawls” away–again, we’d like to thank The Thing for that idea.
The violence and blood are “fun.” It doesn’t match up to the comically overdone slapstick of Drag Me to Hell, Tucker and Dale vs Evil or Evil Dead. But it’s pretty slimy and gross nonetheless. There’s stop-motion, CGI and classic make-up…even rubber monster suits (but mostly CGI).
It’s all a good time, but the effects run at a slow pace until the end. In the meantime this feels a lot like a high school movie with a series of eerie teacher scenes mixed in. But the last 30 minutes–featuring eye stabbings, aural insemination, tentacle attacks and crawling severed appendages–are well worth the wait if for no other reason than competent and fun special effects surrounding a nostalgic cast including many of today’s A-listers.
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Kick-Ass 2: Ultra Violent Sequel Ultra-Violence
There is a scene where a villain named Mother Russia murders 10 police officers. She uses lawn mowers, knives and her thighs in a fetishistic barrage of dirty ultra-violence. The scene isn’t done ironically or tongue in cheek. It is straight up police murder that does nothing other than prove a badass is a badass. It punches you in the face with its unpleasantness and it happens because the bad guy named Mother F***er went to a house to rape a woman.
Kick-Ass 2 is a weird hybrid of sequelfied (new word) humor, violence and profanity. It shies away from the extreme violence of Mark Millar’s graphic novels but still is blood stained like the Evil Dead cabin. Mothers, fathers, friends and police are all electrocuted, hung, stabbed or die via lawn mower. The sly and ironic vibe of the first film is gone and replaced by all things associated with sequels (bigger, louder, bloodier). Also, 30 minutes are spent in an R-rated Mean Girls world culminating with bodily functions ejecting from both ends of a beautiful blond cheerleader. Kick-Ass 2 and it’s violence may be predictable but you could never guess how far it goes.
Kick-Ass 2 focuses on Christopher Mintz-Plasse seeking revenge on the titular hero after he killed his father with a rocket launcher (we hear about this a lot). So, he tasks John Leguizamo to put together a team of violent killers to hunt down Kick-Ass. What follows is 90 minutes of murder, mayhem and bodily functions. The bad guys are suitably menacing, the good guys are in over their heads and Hit Girl is the best part.
What made this violent romp palatable are the likable characters. John Leguizamo’s back and forth with the rich, evil and ready to stereotype Motherf***er is enjoyable (Mother Russia? You can’t have two “mothers” in a crew!). He is like an enabling uncle who is loyal to family but knows better. It all ends badly.
Chloe Grace Moretz, and Jim Carrey are solid in their respective hero roles. Moretz has to be an insecure teenager/brutal death instrument who doesn’t hesitate to chop off the hands of lying robbers. She nails the role despite too much soul-searching dialogue and domestic drama with her guardian Morris Chestnut. Jim Carrey is a former mob enforcer who becomes a deadly instrument for good. Carrey infuses his scenes with a violent earnestness that is surprisingly believable. However, his role has been famously overshadowed by his public denouncement of the film’s violence.
While walking out of the theater my fiancée and I were talking about the original and she made an interesting observation. The violence was startling but somewhat necessary to the plot. You understood why Mark Strong put a guy in a huge microwave. Also, the scene where Strong kills a lookalike Kick-Ass is representative of a mob boss losing his cool and being himself. KA2 strays away from this formula and wantonly goes to excessive heights. Kick-Ass 2 didn’t have the luxury of surprise so it went for the throat. Thus, the Rotten Tomato score is at 28% and the film is being inundated with its dealing with rape.
Kick-Ass 2 is bigger, louder and bloodier. Fans of the comic book and ultra-violence will be pleased. However, by building violent set pieces Kick-Ass 2 strayed away from its characters that made it popular. Watch the Original and appreciate why it became a sleeper hit.
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The Spectacular Now: To know Sutter Keely is to love him. Aimme Finnicky is about to know Sutter Keely
The majority of 2013’s cinematic press has been geared towards the massive blockbusters hitting the screen each week. These bombastic marvels of CGI and cookie cutter themes have overshadowed a fantastic crop of intelligent indies. Mud, Before Midnight, The Way, Way Back and The Spectacular Now provide wonderful insights into relationships, growing up, divorce and fatherhood. The best parts of these films are that they are intelligent and true. You appreciate the story, like the characters and most importantly want to spend more time with them.
The late great Roger Ebert opened up his Spectactular Now review with this quote:
Here is a lovely film about two high school seniors who look, speak and feel like real 18-year-old middle-American human beings. Do you have any idea how rare that is?
The Spectacular Now is an incredibly rare film. Ebert reinforced the rarity of memorable characters by comparing Miles Teller’s character Sutter Keely to Say Anything’s Lloyd Dobler. They are both aimless, capable and fall for women who love and care for them. The tagline which I shamelessly reworked for the headline is true for both characters.
The Spectacular Now revolves around the oft buzzed Sutter Keely and his relationship with the sweet Aimee Finnicky (Shailene Woodley). The two meet cute and that is where the genre tropes end. Both come from single parent homes where they either have too much or too little responsibility. Aimee realizes she needs to work hard to get into college whereas Sutter isn’t pushed to do anything so he coasts on his personality. Together, they navigate growing up, moving on and dealing with the past. They support each other and develop a familiarity you may have experienced growing up. Ebert finished one of his last reviews with this quote:
We have gone through senior year with these two. We have known them. We have been them.
Director James Ponsoldt infuses his films with genuine honesty that strays away from easy. His films Smashed and The Spectacular Now are serious without being depressing. He respects first love and sobriety in ways many writers/directors do not. Also, writer Marc Webber (500 Days of Summer) does a fine job adapting the book written by Tim Tharp. Sutter Keely loves to talk but the script and direction infuse his chatter with quiet moments and observations. The movie never feels rushed and the relationship feels organic. You really like all of the characters and that is a testament to Miles Teller, Shailene Woodley and Brie Larson. All of them could have fallen into drunk, mousy and evil ex-girlfriend stereotypes but instead are memorable and familiar.
Watch Spectacular Now. Appreciate a carefully crafted movie that features rare lovely characters. Keep your eye out for James Ponsoldt. Hope Woodley knocks Divergent out of the park. Forgive Mile Teller for 21 & Over.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Burt Wonderstone and the Unlikable Lead
Burt Wonderstone is an incredibly odd film. It features fantastic actors, painful editing and the idea that Steve Carrell in orange make-up is funny. The movie is so simplistic in its homogenized writing and disdain for blue-collar work that it stands alongside the weirdness of Tom Hank’s detached Larry Crowne. The problem is the actors (sans Carrey) embrace archetypes instead of following the Will Ferrell school of unwarranted confidence turned to 11. The rags to riches story of Ricky Bobby was a massive hit because it managed to be unpredictable (Mos Def cameo) hilarious (Shake & Bake) and romantic (Amy Adams as the love interest) while following a well-worn formula.
The nice man becoming a selfish man who becomes a better man has long been a staple of cinema. The riches/rags/riches trope is familiar but when done right can be a powerful cinematic tool. Watching characters drag themselves out of the hubris muck towards humanity is wonderful when you like or identify with the person. You care as they alienate true friends, go broke, find a love interest, discover a mentor because they emerge as a delightful human being.
Wonderstone didn’t grow up as a poor black child in Mississippi. He grew up in the home of a single parent and had a supportive best friend (Steve Buscemi). He rose to magical heights and headlined the biggest club in Vegas for ten years. He becomes terrible to women (makes them sign wavers for sex acts) treat his friends miserably (Poor Steve Buscemi) and has zero patience for new tricks (Jim Carrey’s bonkers routine as the Brain Rapist). Unlike Bill Murray in Scrooged there is zero personality to Burt so the journey and self actualization don’t mean squat. At the end of Scrooged you cheer for Murray because he earned his retribution. At the end of Burt you are annoyed at how simply things ended.
There is zero at stake because it is 100% paint by numbers. In Kingpin a naive Woody Harrelson lost his bowling hand and fell into alcoholism after Bill Murray dupes him. His problems were real and dangerous so it makes his rise all the more important. You cheer for Woody Harrelson as he tries to get his life back. You feel nothing for Burt because he put himself in the situation and continues to treat everyone terribly.
The problem with Burt Wonderstone is that he has zero reason to be so terrible and his rise seems unearned. Steve Martin made a Jerk incredibly likable as he went from rags to riches to rags. Martin believed people were shooting at cans and you believed in his silliness. When Carrell says he never knew room service only goes to bedrooms you grimace. Burt Wonderstone asks you to believe that Olivia Wilde would stay blindly loyal and that a magician like Burt couldn’t figure out how to do a routine on his own. An illusionist with big hair is not funny on its own. The character is not helped by Carrell’s detached performance that feels more like sleepwalking than selling a role. Performers have been able to rise above weak scripts but Carrell never takes the leap like Harrelson in Kingpin or Ferrell in Blades of Glory.
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone will be a forgotten entry on all the actor’s resumes. It never tries hard enough to be good, bad or so bad it is good. The box office result will hopefully push it’s creators and actors to invest heavily in character and not consider big hair and cheeky routines funny. It was nice to see Jim Carrey back in manic comedian mode as he drills his head, crosses his eyes and injects the only life into an odd film.
Don’t watch Burt Wonderstone. Check out The Jerk, Kingpin, Scrooged or Talladega Nights.
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Elysium: Hitting the Easy Button on a Complicated Issue
Neill Blomkamp burst onto the movie scene with his science fiction classic District 9. The 2009 movie was exhilarating (Silenced a sold out Miami theater for two hours) and a bona fide box office hit ($210 worldwide on a $30 million budget). With his first film Blomkamp become a fresh presence on the burgeoning science fiction scene spearheaded by Duncan Jones, Rian Johnson, Gareth Edwards and Shane Caruth.
District 9 was a breath of fresh air that didn’t pander to the lowest common denominator. Elysium is a different story. It hits you over the head with its interstellar country clubs, lack of universal healthcare and never-ending desolation that looks like Rio’s slums ad nauseam. Blomkamp’s budget has grown but the subtlety has shrunk. The suspense, originality and clear voice are muddled with the corporate budget and nods to the mainstream. Everything is bigger including the action involving Sharlto Copley’s wonderfully murderous agent who blows people up spectacularly. It all resorts to beautiful action pieces that look like every other set piece in Wolverine, Star Trek and World War Z. The biggest difference is that dude’s get blown up REAL good in Elysium (Think flare gun death scene in The Last Stand but much more practical and visceral).
Elysium tells the story of a diseased and dirty 2154 earth that is loaded with tattoos, graffiti and Matt Damon. Damon is an ex-con who is trying to become an upstanding citizen. He works at a factory, is respected in the neighborhood and finally reconnects with his childhood friend/crush. However, one fateful day he is blasted with radiation and given five days to live. Thus, he gets a badass robot suit medically attached to him and decides to take Elysium by force. thwarting him is the steely Jodie Foster who is all calves and dueling accents.
The following 90 minutes are a barrage of kiddie pool deep themes, explosive action and many polo shirts. Elysium is an idyllic world where people hang out in their backyards and engage in barbecues. They are the worlds .001% and occasionally have to deal with the nuisance of stowaways from earth curing themselves in their healing machines (think Prometheus without the alien cesarium). Blomkamp obviously has a bone to pick with the 1% but his views seem limited to a small scope instead of universally. The worst thing Elysium does is make things easy and oversimplified. Economic oppression and class systems are things that cannot be easily solved by a man in a robot suit. District 9 dealt with a very specific section of the world whereas Elysium has a narrow view of a huge issue. The ending while compassionate is naive and overly simplified which is disappointing because I loved the ending of District 9. The casting of Matt Damon raises some questions as well. Grantland’s Wesley Morris summed up his review with this neat quote:
If you’re TriStar Pictures, some delicacy might be in order. Maybe you don’t want your socioeconomic-justice action blockbuster to pit a Braga or Luna or Kerry Washington or Will Smith alone against Planet Country Club. You don’t want your first movie out of the gate to look like a race riot. But you can’t help but wonder whether some people will see Damon anointed the chosen one while surrounded by indigent, affronted, capable brown people and think, We don’t need another hero.
Elysium is a jack of all trades but master of nothing. It doesn’t have the laser pointed low budget focus of District 9 and waters down it’s message for the mainstream. I feel like District 9 was the hit foreign film and Elysium is the American remake.
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John’s Horror Corner: Retro Puppet Master (1999), the seventh installment of a franchise that just doesn’t seem to know when to quit
Saw this poster and thought “meh”
MY CALL: This seventh franchise installment could be described as no fun. Maybe not as “bad” as part 6, but not as entertaining either. At least part 6 had the WTF-factor that made me laugh. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Puppet Master (1989), Puppet Master II (1991; the most slapstick crazy of the first three), Puppet Master III (1991) and Puppet Master 4 (1993). Also try Ghoulies (1985) and Ghoulies II (1988). SEQUEL SIDEBAR: Puppet Master III (1991; set in 1941 and having the highest production value of the first three franchise installments) is actually a prequel to Puppet Master (1989), which occurs decades later in present day and is seamlessly followed story-wise by Puppet Master II (1991; which was the least serious, most zany installment). Puppet Master 4 (1993) returns us to present day after Puppet Master II. Puppet Master 5 (1994) picks up right where part 4 ended and marks the most noticeable drop in quality of any other franchise installments. Then, after the events of parts 4 and 5, Curse of the Puppet Master randomly happens and is difficult to link to the others.
Director David DeCoteau (Curse of the Puppet Master, Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge) takes the helm again to dig the Puppet Master franchise’s grave a few feet deeper with this unremarkable prequel, which opens as a sequel to Puppet Master III, which itself is a prequel to the first Puppet Master, but most of the story takes place before Puppet Master III, making it, at least in part, an…interquel? Is that even a thing?
In 1944, Toulon (Guy Rolfe; Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge, Puppet Master 4, Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter) was planning to escape Germany with his puppets Blade (Parts 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6), Pinhead (7 movie veteran), Tunneler (7 movie veteran), Jester (7 movie veteran) and Leech Woman (Parts 1, 2, 3 and 6). So naturally, you’d think this movie is about their escape. It’s not. Not at all. Before bedtime, he decides to tell his puppets a story–the origin story of the franchise–and we never return to their escape from Germany. So why even open with them escaping to Germany?
So here’s the story…
In 1902 (Egypt), a man named Afzel is being pursued as a sorcerer by worshippers of Sutec. You remember Sutec, right? The evil Jim Henson demon lord from parts 4 and 5 who sent his antichrist only son to be reborn on Earth to kill Toulon’s puppets and all who knew his secret. When the worshippers fail, the demon God Sutec raises some mummies (that look like dudes in mummy Halloween costumes–way to go, make-up team!) to exact his revenge on the thief of the power of life. Afzel flees to Paris, but is followed by Sutec’s mummies, now made-over to look like goonish G-men with bad skin.
Meanwhile young Toulon (Greg Sestero) is entertaining Parisians with his puppet shows. After coming to the aid of Afzel, who we learn is a 3000 year old Egyptian sorcerer (despite looking like an old white dude–and they never explain how he lived so long since we are told he can only have eternal life if his soul is placed in an inanimate object), he proves his powers of eternal life by animating Toulon’s puppets–which appear as crude (or “retro”) versions of the puppets we know and love today, including Six-shooter (even though he wasn’t in the opening storytelling scene). There are also some new puppets (Dr. Death and Cyclops) which receive no explanation at all…huh?
Young Toulon with retro Pinhead, his first puppet to come to life.
Armed with death magic, Sutec’s acolytes kill Toulon’s puppet show crewmen. But now armed with the power of eternal life, Toulon infuses their souls into his puppets. Well aware that Toulon has bound their souls to these puppets, his crewmen don’t seem to mind and are happy to fight Sutec’s G-man mummies. But let’s just pause for a sec here! What happens if the puppet is destroyed? Is their once-immortal soul now also forever destroyed? Do they still get to go to Heaven? Did this “eternal life” backdoor damn them to Hell? I would have asked a few questions before signing up to fight an angry demon lord’s sorcerous henchmen! CONSEQUENCES OF ETERNAL LIFE FAIL.
Retro Blade etching a protective glyph on Toulon.
The effects team returned to some of their stop-motion roots, which was nice. Sadly, the puppet violence was awful and there were no memorable kills–none. Most deaths are attributed to Sutec’s goons just waving their hands in the air and then people die in a blur of death magic that slowly makes them kneel and lay down…you know…as they’re dying from the anticlimactic evil sorcery. DEATH MAGIC FAIL. No build-up, no scares, no blood…no fun. Worse yet, our two new puppets don’t do anything? I don’t mean they don’t have their own personalities or special ways to kill, which they don’t. I mean they don’t do ANYTHING. NEW PUPPET FAIL!!!
Retro puppets Tunneler, Cyclops, Blade, Pinhead, Six-shooter and Dr. Death, celebrating their boring defeat of Sutec’s mummy G-man.
In the end Toulon fails to reveal anything about the two new puppets. He does, however, make reference to that being for “another story.” So I guess we’ll just have to suffer through another sequel to find out. Although, low and behold, part 8 doesn’t even touch this notion. DOUBLE NEW PUPPET FAIL.
This whole movie could be described as no fun. Maybe not as “bad” as part 6, but not as entertaining either. At least part 6 had the WTF-factor that made me laugh when I wasn’t rolling my eyes.
In case you were wondering why there was no retro Leech Woman, it’s because Leech Woman didn’t come about until Toulon’s wife Ilsa died. We meet young Ilsa here. And her face pretty much sums up how I felt after watching this movie.
Dare we move on to part 8…
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