Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2)
John already wrote a wonderful and comprehensive review for this film. He covers the fight choreography, characters and story line. However, he did not cover how absolutely insane this movie is. So, read John’s review for in-depth coverage while I talk about a movie where Abraham spins unnecessarily while twirling an axe.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was movie directed by a crazy Russian who is known for crazier films (Night Watch, Day Watch). He takes his kinetic sensibility and has invented an Axe-Fu romp with no trace of logic, character development or pacing. He also directs his two big action set pieces amidst a horse stampede and flaming bridge. Nothing in Timur Bekmanbetov movies involve gravity. For instance, Bullets bend, people fly and Abe can do triple flips whilst holding an axe.
This is my guess as to what Timur is telling Benjamin.
“We are going to attach you to some wires then spin you till you puke.”
The performances are quite good and the actors handle the fight scenes well. The ending burning bridge battle is a marvel of uncontrolled chaos and superb teamwork between Anthony Mackie and Walker.
The plot moves briskly through Abe’s formative years and eventual pursuit of vampire death and reuniting a nation. Twenty seconds are all he needs to learn how to destroy trees with a single axe swipe. He also knows how to run across the backs of horses while they gallop. A moment that sums up this film is the first kiss between Abe and Mary Todd. Abe is a tall man so she takes off his hat, stands on it and kisses his cheek. After the cheek smooch she stands off of the hat and places it back on his head undamaged.
The make up in this film is wonderful. The subtle changes never feel jarring and you wish Clint Eastwood would have called the artist before he made J. Edgar. Also, You never once doubt in Benjamin Walker’s wonderful axe skills.
This movie will make you say “huh?” If you watch Abe expect to scratch your head at least 43 times. If you are able to embrace the crazy Russian director, disregard of history and total insanity you will appreciate this film.
Do not take this movie seriously. It is a straight-laced action epic that you can have a lot of fun with.
Good. Bad. Abe is the one with the axe.
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John’s Horror Corner: Mutant Hunt (1986), one of the most BONKERS movies I’ve ever seen!
Too gory for the silver screen my ass!
MY CALL: I’m surprised I didn’t develop a dissociative disorder as a form of mental defense against this assault on good taste—or even bad-horror taste. This review is a long one, but there was just too much worth sharing to leave anything out. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Lovers of the truly awful 80s (e.g., Alien Contamination, Deep Space, Galaxy of Terror, Inseminoid, Dreamaniac, Nightwish, Humanoids From the Deep, Slugs, Hardware, Of Unknown Origin, to name some reviewed by yours truly) should delight in rolling their eyes at this budgetless piece of vintage crap filmed entirely in one warehouse, a few sidewalks, a Chinese restaurant and one hotel room. DISCLAIMER: This is one of those reviews that was too fun to write. As such, I gave away a lot of the plot, twists (if any) and ending.
So here’s what I read on Netflix about this little gem: “When a corporate executive unleashes an army of cyborgs on New York, there’s only one man that stands between the Big Apple and total annihilation.” I’m not sure that a 1986 direct-to-video flick can deliver on that very well. But I watched it anyway.
Former gay pornographer and director Tom Kincaid (aka Joe Gage), known for the mind-numbingly stupid The Occultist and Robot Holocaust, has woven this atrocity that is littered with more horror in its production than in the film itself. You can just imagine how well this was written when the flick opens with some shoulder-padded General Zod wannabe (named Z) who is so mild mannered that he comes off as someone who should be named Bill Peterson (the actor’s actual name) more than someone who should be named “Z.”
Dude, is that Chris Klein?
Anyway, this unconvincing jackwagon looks like he ripped the upholstery out a Dolorian and wore it as a suit while leading a cadre of “cyborgs” with sunglasses, Devo haircuts and jumpsuits stolen from Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation. These cyborgs—which I would consider androids—shoot laser guns, speak like total tools, and short circuit easily. Called Delta-7s, three of them malfunction and kill three others. Why these three defected units acted as a WWF tag team against the others rather than attacking everything indiscriminately is completely beyond me.
The engineer of these short circuits (Marc Umile of, well, nothing worth mentioning) sends his sister Darla to find the one man who can handle these things with porn-quality kung fu kicks: his mercenary twin brother with hair of feathered testosterone Matt Riker (Rick Gianisi of Troma’s Sgt. Kabukiman; that explains a lot about this movie).
“Feathered Testosterone!”
Feathered, I said!
While being chased under laser pistol fire she runs on foot—fortuitously nearby around the corner of the same building by the timing of it—and catches him in bed with a pleasure droid (LeeAnne Baker of Galactic Gigolo) who, despite having about one topless line, manages to have the command performance of the movie before sleeping through a fight and then being dropped out the third floor window by a nutty Delta-7 as Riker goes all Showdown in Little Tokyo in his tightie-whities Lundgren-style with his sai.
Nobody puts baby in the corner!
He basically has a bedroom dojo complete with a machete (as the samurai are wont to keep readily on hand), boxing gloves, a heavy bag , crossbow, spear gun, shotgun, and a set of sai. As suggested on the movie cover, these droids have go-go-Gadget arms that they use surprisingly rarely. Just one time, in fact, in the entire f’ing movie! Oh, and not how it was used on the cover, but rather to reach a machete so that it could cut off its own hand because Riker handcuffed it to a pipe while he beat up the other cyborgs. WTF!!!
Why would it do that!?! It’s a cyborg handcuffed to a small pipe. Just rip out the pipe!
For whatever sensible reason, their strength and coordination seems conveniently drastically reduced when facing Riker and his allies. Depending on your personality, this makes the fights extremely boring or extremely hilarious to watch. Erring on the side of boredom, whenever Riker’s buddies are not involved in the actual fights they simply stand around looking bored while the people they care about pretend to kick seven shades of shit out of deadly robots! Oh, and there was a laser gun in that room they got off one of the deathbots. You will never see the heroes fire a laser gun again until the last 30 seconds of the movie. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather chance it with my fists.
During an explanation of these cyborgs, the corporation behind them and drugs these robots are high on we get blindsided by the line “ever since the space shuttle sex murders” and then never hear about it again. What is this line? What does it mean? WTF was that!?!
These mutant Delta-7s are for “hazardous occupations” and recently a few malfunctioned when a new serum was added. This serum is thee drug Euphoron and it induces psycho-sexual response programs resulting in killing for pleasure. And even though they have “five times normal human strength” and “unlimited telepathic power” (whatever that means) they suck at pretty much everything! Their movement is so zombie-tarded that if you stand still long enough they just might slowly execute Austin Powers judo chop on you. Worst fights ever. It seems anyone with any coordination could defeat these zombie-like goons. These things can make gravel out of concrete but can’t hurt Riker or his stripper friend (Elaine) when they get their hands on them. Pathetic.
Most random moments include: 1) Meeting a dude at Elaine’s strip club who looks like Andy Samberg (17 minutes in) and Elaine beats him up. 2) Oh, Riker’s stripper friend Elaine (Taunie Vrenon, another nobody), who is also a “fully accredited Federation agent” whatever that is, is recruited for “her usual fee” to help—which evidently means using her ineffectual front kicks on killbots and crying for help.
3) Felix (Ron Reynaldi, the only guy on set who could throw a kick) has a BlueTooth earpiece with GPS and a nav and Euphoron detection system in the 80s, no joke!
Wait a minute! This is the future, right? Why are you the only one with a cell phone? How did I even find this payphone!?!
Beats me, chick!
4) We learn that these hardly human droids need to kill every six hours and can feel pain—why on Earth would you design them to feel pain if you made them for “hazardous” work!?! 5) These droids are made so tough that Felix was able to Bruce Lee jump-stomp on their heads and make droid pudding.
One of a few examples of gore in this “too gory for the silver screen” epic.
By the time the movie gets going, there are only two Deltas for our three heroes to hunt down (for an hour of running time—an hour). So much for the “army of cyborgs” advertized by Netflix…dicks!
The actress playing Domina was pseudonymed Stormy Spills. Wisely, she chose not to be associated with this movie despite out-Chering Cher.
Looks like an unmasked Jason Voorhees got a little frisky with the Stay Puff Marshmellow Man.
She has one priceless scene, though. She captures Riker and implants an explosive device in his head with a knife. This somehow doesn’t affect him at all. She then demands he steal the Euphoron from Z or she’ll blow him up. Here are the actual quotes that follow…”OK, but only if you deactivate this bomb first.” “OK… there it’s deactivated.” “You mean it?” “Yes.” “You really mean it?” “Yes.” “OK.” Then he knocks her out with his elbow. WTFS!?! LMFAO!!! I’d also like to add that after trying to kill our heroes a few times she literally “exits stage right” by simply walking off the screen to safety, away from our heroes’ vengeful reach and laser gun aim.
Amazingly this has not yet been released in DVD or Blu-Ray format.
Here’s another flatulently idiotic additive: a scene which should read on a DVD flap chapter title That Just Happened. All you need to know is that Euphoron-ed Deltas seem to slowly away. I know, why not just wait for them to die on their own instead of hunting them down, right?
Okay, so Darla is taking a shower in… I don’t know, some arbitrary space this movie takes place in somewhere. Outside, by which I mean apparently simultaneously both directly outside the shower and still in the bathroom in Riker’s third floor apartment yet also outside on the sidewalk (first floor), we have a crazed mutant cyborg coming back to life (errr—function)… somehow or other. He has a face like a month-old calzone and he’s harder to listen to than Robin Williams moping his way through Bicentennial Man.
Easily the best make-up job in the movie.
He simply further dislocates his own jaw, pulls out a loose-hanging speaker by which he actually “talks,” and approaches Darla as she exits the shower… again, I don’t understand how this works at all spatially. It’s like, if you were to stand between these two and face one way you’re in the middle of a bathroom looking at a mirror and shower in a third floor condo, and if you turn 180° you’re in the middle of the street looking at a graffiti-covered brick wall and melty cyborg on the sidewalk. Anyway, Melty Crazed Mutant Cyborg (as we’ll call him) calmly explains himself as she exits the shower wearing a bathrobe that their control circuitry is making them malfunction and forcing them to kill someone every 6 hours. He just killed someone 15 minutes ago, though, so he’s going to be completely rational for the next 5 hours and 45 minutes. During this period, he’s asking her to take him to her brother (who built him) so he can be repaired because, frankly, he’s in a lot of pain. LMAO! Then, after all that, she screams in horror as he hoists her over his shoulder and walks off. Yeah. That just happened. That was a scene in this movie. Moving on… Oh, wait, not enough? Well in the final fight with the Delta-8 Darla just appears and shoots the dumb bot with a laser and, I just realized, Darla isn’t wearing any pants. Apparently she just tossed on an oversized dress shirt upon getting out of the shower and that’s all she’s been wearing for the last however long it’s been in their mission to save New York. All of the camera angles between the shower scene and the Delta-8 fight showed her only waist-up.
“Don’t let him use his hand!” yells the needlessly helpful cyborg with a face like a month-old calzone.
“Ooooh, I’m gonna’ use my hand.”
Oooh, he’s gonna do the go-go-Gadget arm thing. Quick, chick in over-sized dress shirt, let him have it! And, hey, did you have that laser gun the whole time?
Thank God, chick in over-sized dress shirt. “This” almost happened. You just saved the day from this movie getting cool for a second!
Although I deliberately neglected to share the details, this flick features an awful lot of plot. So sad that there’s really no follow-through. So the fights sucked, the writing was clearly deplorable, and the actors often seemed to be reading straight off of idiot cards. The director got one thing right, though: the random punk girl. Every movie about a post-apocalyptic future, zombies or cyborgs needs a random punk chick. Return of the Living Dead had Linnea Quigley dancing murderously-nude on a tomb, Return of the Living Dead 3 had a whole movie about falling in love with a neo-punk zombie chick, then Cyborg, Bladerunner, Escape from New York and Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome had legions of them, and Class of Nuke’em High, Street Trash, Robot Holocaust and Mutant Hunt all feature the very same one: Chris McName—evidently she’s actually a he.
from Class of Nuke’em High
from Street Trash
Despite all this, I found myself enjoying this POS. It’s much better than you’d expect. Which is a lot like saying “Good news, it’s not HIV—just syphilis.” And the best thing is it’s streaming on Netflix, so you can watch all 77 wholesome minutes of it at a recommended 18 times daily. That’s your shamefully bad horror prescription from Dr. John.
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Movies, Films & Flix Roundtable: Breaking Dawn: Part 2
Mark: This series has passed pet rocks, hammer pants and Von Dutch hats as the weirdest pop culture phenomena ever. A werewolf falls in love with a baby, nobody likes the main character and the movies have made over two billion dollars but average 37% on Rotten Tomatoes. I hope in ten years everybody says “whoops.”
Vince When Jay V and I lived together we would play Twilight. We would antique ourselves and put novelty fangs on our dog Bourbon.
Jay: I miss this.
Chuck Finley: This is something that has bothered me about these vampires for a long time: Where does the semen come from!?!? Think about it. And also, why would real life Rob Pattinson want to date What’s Her Face. It’s like giving him a million dollars and telling him to pick a car to spend it on and he picks a Toyota Tercel.
John: Do you think Edward ever thinks: “Why do you wear a bewildered and depressed expression all the damned time, K-Stew? I’m the vampire here! I’m supposed to be the moody apathetic one bored with his existence! Oh, yeah, and where DID I get this semen? Pretty sure I’ve been dead for a long time…”
Mark: I’ve always felt bad for Water for Pattinsons character. He has a sullen K-Stew who he can accidentally tear apart at any given moment, has to deal with a shirtless clan of badly CGI’d wolves and he has to look at stuff with a bland look and mouth open 73% of the time….He also sparkles.
John: Only David Bowie, Dee Snyder and Nathan Lane may sparkle; and no other!
Mark: They cut out the sparkling in the fourth film due to a Dee Snyder lawsuit.
John: Dee’s not gonna take it–no, he’s not gonna’ take it!
Mark: I’m amazed that after five films the vampires still look like they were antiqued by Johnny Knoxville.
Mark: I’m thinking of some alternate titles:
Breaking Dawn: Stern Looks
Breaking Dawn: We have lots of beautiful trees
Breaking Dawn: Fewer questions than Prometheus
Breaking Dawn: Where is Abe Lincoln?
Chuck Finley: Breaking Dawn 5: Pedowolf vs. Giant Dractopus
Breaking Dawn: Thank God it’s over.
Mark: Michael Sheen is the main pale bad guy in Breaking Dawn. I think his know it all character from Midnight in Paris would be a more frightening adversary. He would zap their energy with an oral history of vampires then demolish the Twilight books with several well placed intellectual words. Then, steal Bella from Edward.
Sweet Sugar: Vampire #1: Let’s get medieval on their asses!
Michael Sheen: Which part of the Middle Ages? If my memory serves me correctly, the Middle Ages is the period of European history encompassing the 5th to the 15th centuries, usually is divided into the Early Middle Ages, the High Middle Ages, and the Late Middle Ages …
Mark: Vampire #1: High Middle Ages!
Michael Sheen: Ah,, the ages wrecked by plague, scurvy and poor sanitation.
Vampire #1: I hate Michael Sheen. Where is Steve Coogan?
Mark: I can sum up this trailer with a simple list:
1. loud noises
2. Monotone voices
3. A grown werewolf in love with a child.
….Stewart was good in Adventureland though.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Red Tails
By: Sweet Sugar
Rating: D (saved only by stunning aerial fighting)
Synopsis: Well, at least we still have Glory.
What to watch instead:The good 1995 PBS movie “The Tuskeegee Airmen” with Lawrence Fishburne and Malcolm Jamal-Warner (Yes, Malcolm Jamal-Warner)
I can see how it’s challenging to tell a story about a group of beloved Americans like the Tuskeegee Airmen. On one hand, the studio could stick to history, plot and character development for a narrower audience, or on the other hand, dumb it down for a mass audience and make it merely “based on true events” in an effort to tell the world about these heroes.
However, paying tribute by making a one-dimensional, by-the-numbers movie will fail to bolster any legacy, especially when the real story is far better than any quasi-fictionalized version of the story.
In the style of the Movies Films & Flix crew, we try to keep things positive ……… but, Cuba Gooding Jr’s (CGJ) acting is such an abomination that a rant is justified. For example, the director gave him a pipe to aggressively chew on in every scene so that CGJ could appear (pretend) to be a grizzled war veteran. They could have casted Dolph Lundgren as his character and it would have been less comical.
Whenever a bad movie is being made with elements of racism/prejudice in the military, it’s mandatory that CGJ is cast. See Men of Honor (43% Rotten Tomatoes) or Pearl Harbor (25% Rotten Tomatoes). CGJ’s role was none other than to play CGJ. I’m surprised he wasn’t cast to play the Navajo soldier alongside Nic Cage in Windtalkers (33% Rotten Tomatoes), which was another WWII dud that dealt with the ugliness of racism.
The actors tried hard to make this work, but weren’t given much to work with. Each was assigned a single personality trait. The Germans were also one dimensional-evil as they talked slowly with thick scowls while ominous evil music played.
Here’s the breakdown of the Tuskeegee cast. They had the …
– The guy who gave defiant, impassioned speeches
– The troubled leader
– The “Maverick”
– The kid
– The comedian
– The martyr
Now, some examples of the corny dialogue:
“We didn’t lose a single plane. Wow, that’s a first!”- White Pilot # 1
“I hope we meet up with those Red Tails next time!”- White Pilot #2
“Wow, these guys are good.” – White Pilot # 3
“They’re not chasing glory and they’re staying here to protect us?” – Probably White Pilot #2
In conclusion, don’t watch this movie. Read about the Tuskeegee Airman instead.
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Trailer Talk: Magic Mike (2012)
TO GO TO THE REVIEW PAGE CLICK HERE
Channing Tatum. What can I say? I love the guy. In the past few years he has won me over and earned the level of man-crush that I had previously reserved for Christian Bale (The Dark Knight Rises) and Ryan Reynolds (The Green Lantern, Safe House). Between Dear John (2010) and The Vow (2012), he had me at “Hello…bro.” In The Eagle (2011) I found him impressive and credible. I even liked the him back in his Step Up (2006) days, which were actually rather close to his previous career…
Some of the stars at the Entertainment Weekly photo shoot got a little nervous that Manganiello (far right) would wolf out and grind them up into his protein shake. Judging by his size, a relevant concern.
CLICK HERE to watch the trailer.
Release Date: June 29, 2012
You see, Tatum (a Tampa native), was a male stripper as a late teen. That’s where he honed his dance moves for Step Up. In fact, making this movie was his idea. He wanted to reveal what that life was like, all the fun and reality of it alike–although a recent TMZ interview suggested that he left out some of the darker aspects. I wonder what they are?
Are they doing YMCA or Macho Man? I can’t tell.
And what’s going on with the big ugly guy in the back left?
So let’s get to Magic Mike. The trailer looks good. CLICK HERE to watch it. Take that with a grain of salt, though, you know I like Tatum and–confession time: I love RomComs, too. Anyway, Mike is an easily likable character. He sports an ever-approachable “aw, shucks” grin that will make ladies skip a heartbeat, muscles and dance moves that guys will envy and girls will want on their envious guys, and a not-soo-gooey yen for something more out of life.
Along with some hopefully successful attempts at sincerity, there looks to be a good, not-too-over-the-top amount of humor. Mike’s candidness and occupational quips should win audiences over and his jest about their “first fight” should unite the sexes with smiles.
“You don’t want to know what I’ve gotta’ do for 20s.”
Joining Tatum at the bro-spa for butt waxes was Alex Pettyfer (In Time, I Am Number Four) who plays Adam, a rookie to the business recruited by Mike. That should make for some fun firsts and an ass-grabbing hazing.
True Blood’s Joe Manganiello plays one of Mike’s coworkers and sports a name that is bound for some clever script moments (stage-named Big Dick Rich).
Matthew McConnaghey, Cody Horn, Olivia Munn and the “fluffy” comedian Gabriel Iglesias round out the rest of the cast. I am also intrigued that this is directed by Steven Soderbergh. When I think Soderbergh, I think gritty–I think Haywire and Contagion. So this is one Hell of a light-hearted turn for him. I’d like to think it’s because Tatum really won him over with the script idea.
This flick looks like it’ll be a lot of fun. And unlike Tatum’s past serious romances or bro-flicks like Fighting, no member of any couple should have to drag the other to go see this.
Despite having more shiny abs and waxed chests than a Gilette ad marathon, the cast is impressive and full of guys that guys like to root.
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Mark: I’m stoked that Edward Norton is seemingly back in 90s awesome mode. Jeremy Renner is a wonderful actor. However, where does the dude get all his wonderful fleeces and leather jackets? The same thing happened with Tom Cruise in MI4. I believed he could climb on the world’s tallest building and beat the snot out of a 50-year-old dude. But, I couldn’t believe that he would find a perfectly tailored leather jacket/hoodie randomly on the street. Does Renner have time to stop in at the GAP and find a perfect outfit? This is a strange thing to think about in a movie where he makes a fire extinguisher blow dart.
Sweet Sugar: I have to think that replacing Matt Damon in a movie series would feel like putting on a wet swimsuit. The producers felt sorry for Renner and gave him a genetic cocktail of skills
Chuck Finley: Does anyone else feel like the CIA and whoever else in the Bourne collection are totally inept? Like how hard is it really to keep tabs on one dude? They shouldn’t have been spending all that time turning Ferrari’s into lawnmowers (?) or whatever other ridiculous aphorism you use for incompetence.
Mark: I love the moment where he asks one question and the assassin next to him says “you ask too many questions.”
Chuck Finley: I still can’t get over the “That’s all I have, got to go” scene. If you drop the line that Jason Bourne is in New York City currently you better follow-up with some more information. That would be like calling someone and going “Don’t leave your house this week”-“What?! wait, why?!”-“That’s all I have, go to go”. That prick just made you a hermit for no reason.
Mark: I would tell every cop to look for custom fleeces.
Mark: I predict four things for the Total Recall remake.
1. It will be very shiny.
2. Jessica Biel will squint a lot.
3. Kate Beckinsale will do several unnecessary flips.
4. Colin Farrell will choose to get the memories of his character from In Bruges. He will then be annoyed by all the futuristic shenanigans.
Chuck Finley: I like in movies like this and the first Bourne movie you can forget how to kick major league ass like you would your new neighbor’s name and then all of a sudden it’s like “Holy shit, I know how to do Krav Maga and Jiu Jitsu”. That seems like something you would fucking remember, Colin. Also, asking someone why they are trying to kill you is the most asinine question possible. He might as well ask why the sky is blue and the grass is green at that point. Just accept it as a fact and move on. And try not to get donkey kicked too hard by Kate Becks. The second to last scene with the falling car also begs the questions: Are they even on Mars? Because when they fired that whip back up it looked more like modern-day Seattle. And is someone going to dramatically suffocate or have a man-child living inside them? If not, I’ll pass.
Mark: Very true. They are in some sort of futuristic city then they are crushing a car in Vancouver. I hope the car they crush is owned by Arnold Schwarenegger…He then drops his paper grocery bag and says “Bullsh**.”
Mark: I love the scene in the Total Recall trailer when Kate Beckinsale unloads mass quantities of exposition then says “You haven’t even begun to see me try to kill you.”
When I was a bouncer I tried to throw those indie kids out as quickly as possible. I didn’t toss them around for a bit because what if I tweaked my back or got them stuck behind the dart machine? Farrell then escapes and they go on the most expensive flying car chase ever.
Chuck Finley: The scene with Colin and Kate is just grating. I never understand why people have to explain things about the situation before trying to kill someone else. It reminds me of The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly scene: “Don’t talk, just shoot” and The Incredibles: “You got me monologuing”. Just shoot first and then say something cool. Ex: *shoots person* “Looks like your idea of living…*puts on glasses*….”just got shot down”.YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Mark: A Eurotrash villain kills a couple CIA agents then tells a joke. There is no reaction. He then says: The Crowd is dead tonight.”
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Project X
I can totally understand the 25% rating Project X received on Rotten Tomatoes. However, I didn’t expect a plethora of older movie critics to appreciate a movie about the mother of all high school parties.
Peter Travers of Rolling Stone sums this movie up perfectly when he says:
“Project X is an unholy mess that reaches down to the age-irrelevant drive in all of us to just get sh**faced and run amok, in this case with the help of booze, pot, Ecstasy, a bevy of hot bitches, a crotch-punching midget and a flamethrower. Project X is a sh**faced Paranormal Activity.”
It is a hotbed of degradation and terrible choices. However, it never claimed to be something it wasn’t. This is a movie that will live on in high schools and colleges for years to come. Project X also features some of Todd Phillips trademark mean-spirited humor and is better than the abysmal Hangover Two. X also features the most obnoxious character in teen movie history. Oliver Cooper plays a punk named Costa who due to his own selfish needs destroys his friend’s house, incites a riot and wears a ridiculous sweater vest.
The movie revolves around three kinda cool kids who throw a monster party that becomes a living organism hell-bent on insanity. The movie is stuff of pure nerd fantasy. Limbs are broken, trees are lit on fire and three kids become legends.
I don’t need to write too much about this film. It is all empty calories and good-looking women. Everything is objectified, there are no realistic repercussions and the music is solid. Project X will be a terrible influence for easily influenced teenagers. Don’t expect anything from this movie other than a bunch of loud noises. However, the trailer told you that already.
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Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World or (SFEW) is a neat little film that attempts something wonderful. It attempts to spark a romance amidst the chaos of apocalypse. However, the spark has all the subtlety of two rocks smashing together. What should have been a nifty natural film feels forcefully scripted.
The biggest problem with this film is Steve Carell. I am a big fan of Carell and dug his work in 40 Year Old Virgin, Anchorman, Crazy Stupid Love and Dan in Real Life. However, in this film his depressed shlub is like an anchor that keeps the movie from starting a journey. In the film he plays a dour yet incredibly well dressed man whose wife left him and now he is alone. He isn’t into the heroin fueled love/alcohol fests that his friends have been throwing. He instead goes to work and mopes around his house and laments on his lost love. Another strange thing about his character is that he wears perfectly tailored outfits throughout the movie. Here is a man who has given up yet still manages to primp himself.
If Carell is the anchor then Keira Knightley is the buoy keeping this movie afloat. She provides a three-dimensional woman who could have been a pixie waif in a world that doesn’t understand her. However, Her problems seem real and all she wants is to see her family whom she has neglected in her pursuit of wrong men.
I was hoping this film would break out of its scripted purgatory and become an organic little movie where two people fall in love while on a journey. However, it all feels so scripted with its various vignettes of life before the meteor. The following proceedings feel like cheeky moments from a writers brain. The best moment of the road trip takes them across TJ Miller and his crew at Friendly’s. A restaurant that happily serves donut burgers until the eventual block of rock destroys them.
I dig how the story is about two people who are staying away from the craziness. They don’t want to be part of the orgies, heroin or riots. However, their intimate journey never feels right because of the opposing acting styles. When they do get together it feels forced and inevitable. The relationship isn’t earned, it is expected much like the deadly meteor. This is a sad chain of events because you really want to like the movie.
When a major aspect of the movie feels fake it hurts the rest of the movie. The movie is about finding a partner before the world ends. However, there is never anything at stake other than eventual death. Thus, when the world does end the emotional impact isn’t what it should be because it never felt real.
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World could have been a wonderful film. Instead, it features a fantastic performance by Keira Knightley and an interesting take on armageddon.
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MY CALL: I never thought I’d appreciate my 5th grade Civil War history lessons. They paid off well in gory fun that was well worth the wait. This should entertain. [C, but a B+ for pure entertainment value]. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: I have no suggestions for you other than the not-so-similar The Brotherhood of the Wolf. If you have any ideas, please post them in a comment below.
Director Timur Bekmambetov is a veteran of exaggerated action and genre-splitting fang flicks, having directed Night Watch (2004), Day Watch (2006) and Wanted (2008). In addition to some of those he has produced The Darkest Hour (2011), Apollo 18 (2011) and the possible Wanted 2 (????). He picks weird projects and visually supplements them in unexpected and often impressive (though also often ridiculous) ways. He’s a creative guy and, in general, I’m pleased with his work—including his latest: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
Young Abe.
Our story begins by weaving motive. Young Abraham witnesses the death of his mother at the hand of a vampire. From that day into adulthood, Abraham (Benjamin Walker in his first major role and looking like a young Liam Neeson) seeks revenge against that vampire, but hates them all.
The more stately, aged, axe-wielding Abe.
Honest Abe is trained by Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper; The Devil’s Double, Captain America: The First Avenger), who is as un-Yoda-like as it gets complete with rigid rules, a temper and a penchant for exterminating all vampires. One must wonder why. Of course, there’s a story there, the explanation of which would spoil the movie. He is backed by his best friend Will Johnson (Anthony Mackie; The Adjustment Bureau, Real Steel), a freeborn black man who has some unexplained skill for martial arts (in a time when it was generally unknown to the West) and axe-spinning (even though he lacked Sturgess’ Jedi tutelage).
Abe marries Mary Todd (Scream Queen Mary Elizabeth Winstead; The Thing), with whom he shares a life veiled from the truth behind his night life and political ambitions. In fact, this is where knowing some simple history gets fun. You’ll grin as you see political campaigns and war tactics steered by anti-vampire stratagem.
Our vampiric antagonist is effectively portrayed by professional villain Rufus Sewell (A Knight’s Tale, The Illusionist). As Adam, the 5000-year old maker of all vampires, Sewell is cold and enjoyably hatable. He leads the Confederate vampires of the South in their invasion of the North in the Civil War. His personal cadre enjoys the bedazzling company of Vadoma (played by newcomer/model Erin Wasson, who already looked rather vampy before doing this movie). She plays her simple part well and I hope to see more of her in more challenging roles.
Here, the sultry Erin Wasson is all vamped up for her scene.
And here, the sexy Wasson is all vamped up just because it’s Tuesday in Hollywood. Sexy, yes. But also cold as ice–like into those man-eating eyes.
The movie ends with a brief present day scene which smacks of Interview with a Vampire’s “I’m going to give you the choice that I never had.” An endearing nod, but not without a little eye-rolling to accompany my acknowledgement—not that this was the only time in the movie when that happened.
THE SETS: Now, I only noticed this because I always ask myself “now how do I feel about the cinematography and set design”—but I was largely unimpressed with both (excluding some action sequence work, though). Had I not been looking for it, I might not have noticed most of the time. The scenes were still effective and I don’t think too many people will wish they got more from this department unless, again like me, they specifically look for it.
To be, or not to be, in 3D: I saw this in 3D, and it wasn’t until the second act action scenes that I sensed that this might have been filmed in 3D. There was just something about the first act’s movement, zooming and background that felt a bit untidily modified-from-2D-to-3D. As it turns out, I saw the HBO making of special and noticed the same stale, artificial focus and contrast during zooming in 2D. However, once the second act action begins, you see that the action was clearly made (and well made) for 3D. It’s just that the 3D felt like a natural improvement for some scenes, but actually obscured trademark scenes like the one-swing-tree-splitting when compared to HBO’s (and the TV trailer’s) much crisper 2D presentation. One scene really didn’t fit in 2D or 3D, and that’s the “stampede fight.” When you see this, everything is so obscured by choppy focus and lazy-hazy blurred CGI that you wonder if they ran out of budget and then realized “Hey guys, we still need to do the Stampede Fight.”
My final decision: I’d vote to see this in 3D.
He must’ve been working out with Sosa and McGuire.
THE ACTION: After witnessing his tree-splitting training and some impressive axe-spinning flair I’m reminded of Ray Parks’ work as the headless horseman (Sleepy Hollow) and Darth Maul (The Phantom Menace). The action starts somewhere in the middle; it’s very blood-letty, fast-paced and entertaining, but also filmed very close up such that you see very little. So I was quite entertained while also wishing it was done differently. But during this first act of the movie the events, build-up and consequence were more important than the fights themselves. Whereas in the second act elaborately choreographed and CGI-enhanced scenes spew gore, sever limbs, and add complex acrobatics from a wide angle allowing full realization of intricate marriages between combat choreographers and CGI engineers. The sets were more open, much as were for many of Neo’s fights in the 2nd and 3rd Matrix movies, which allowed more freedom in planning grandiose maneuvers with more combatants. There’s even a healthy dash of post-impact slo-mo (a la 300 or The Immortals) as caped bodies and weapons corkscrew through the air about trailing cascades of black blood. Very well done indeed. The action shifts gears yet again for the third act (with a more aged Lincoln) and include a Western-style train action sequence and Civil War battle scenes. There’s a good deal of unrealistic skill and precision which hemorrhages absurdity this flick, but I found myself not minding a bit despite some playful Oh-come-ons.
In the spirit of The Matrix this flickcomes complete with jumping flip kicks…
Gratuitous jumping, spinning, 720-degree double-axe to the face moves…
And hits so hard that you’ll corkscrew flair through the air for so long that Abe will have time to wind up again and cut off your head.
THE STORY: This movie succeeded where many failed in utilizing a multi-story-style 3-act model. What do I mean? I mean The Brotherhood of the Wolf model. Each act of The Brotherhood of the Wolf felt like a different movie—it began with a period piece mystery, shifted to a large-scale action-driven phase, and then finished as a somewhat supernatural revenge flick, any one of which could have been its own stand-alone film. Movies that try to do too much (like this) often fail. In Abraham Lincoln we have a plotty origin story, followed by a more typical vampire hunter choreography-driven flick, and ended with an aged Abe and a politico-military historical piece where period mattered and fights took place in less martial arts-friendly venues. Again, any one of these parts could have been the vampire-gnawed blood and guts of a whole separate movie. 
While on paper, the concept must sound like it skirts lunacy, this exercise in absurd fantasy-horror-war-history hybridization comes off as a great summer action flick. You’ll be surprised at how seriously you’ll take it—as if hypnotized by some True Blood glamour. So I say see it. Be glamoured and dazzled. Enjoy.
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Jeff, Who Lives at Home
Jeff Who Lives At Home asks a lot of questions. Fate? Free will? Goatee? The film is directed by the Duplass brothers who struck indie gold with Cyrus and The Puffy Chair. Their film deals with arrested development in all its forms. Jeff stays on the shallow end of the subject matter but stays engaging due to its actors and unique direction.
I don’t think it ever wanted to be The Tree of Life. But, it boasts the uneven narrative that the Duplass brothers are fine tuning. I don’t think their style will hit the mainstream because their stories are methodically paced and focus on big aspects of people who live small lives. The Duplass brothers create movies that are intimate to them. I like their style and would trade an uneven narrative for likable characters.
Jeff does an interesting thing. It creates characters that are a mixture of terrible depression and arrested development. They could easily be viewed as unambitious and unlikable. However, with Jeff and Cyrus you appreciate the characters because of the actors performances. If the actors weren’t so warm and likable you’d feel terrible for them.
Jason Segel plays a 30-year-old man best described as an unkept stoner Sasquatch. Jeff lives at home and smokes weed. His widowed mother (Susan Sarandon) is confused and exasperated by her man-child.
He thinks the world is full of signs and coincidences. Thus, he waits in the basement looking for bigger things. He won’t settle because destiny hasn’t pushed him yet. However, after multiple viewings of the film Signs he gets a wrong number from a man looking for Kevin.
This leads him on a day long journey of coincidences and brotherly bonding. His brother is played Ed Helms. His character is a marvel of blue-collar douche and depressed obliviousness. He settled and is in an unhappy marriage and has resorted to acting recklessly to add entertainment in his life. His poor decisions lead him to buying a Porsche. However, his wife has resorted to flirting with adultery to cure her reckless needs.
Their lives seem so unhappy that it takes a lot to believe their ills will be cured in one day. The end of their day features an incredibly unlikely event which is incredibly effective. If you don’t like the characters and the Duplass style you will dislike the heavy melodramatic turn of events. However, the ending worked for me. Why not give these people a happy ending?
Jeff, Who Lives at Home is the work of two men who are finding their footing in the film world. Their style is simple and they make sad characters likable. The worlds are small but to the characters the changes are life changing.
Watch Jeff, Who Lives at Home. Support interesting directors. Watch Signs.
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