Bad Movie Tuesday: What’s Your Number?
I’ve been trying to write a review for this film for over a week. I try to discuss the positive aspects of bad movies but I can’t find any positives for this film. I’ve tackled it from many angles.
1. What’s Your Number can be told in four pictures:
2. I tried to make it more plausible as a disease film (Outbreak, Contagion)
3. Movies about exes do not have to be bad (Scott Pilgrim, High Fidelity).
4. I compared it to a boat sinking and Faris doing her best to keep it afloat.
5. I thought father’s should show their daughters this movie as a “what not to do” lesson.
6. Aliens find this film and deduce “that we are dumb and easy to kill.”
7. Somewhere along the way I made references to playing football with a 30 pound rock and I figured Chris Evans has slept with 3,400 women.
Each of these ideas were deleted and I started from scratch. I wasn’t able to break down the plot in a positive way.
Here is the plot. A 30ish young alcoholic woman tries to rekindle love affairs with her exes. Why is she doing this? Because she read an article in Marie Claire that declares “if you have slept with 20 men you are doomed to be single forever.”
What follows is Faris lying a lot.
The most amazing thing is SPOILER ALERT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The movie progresses. Faris and Evans fall in love and the movie ends with a bombshell. You get to hear a voice message left by Aziz Ansari on Anna Faris’s answering machine. Instead of her being shocked Anna is elated to learn that she hasn’t slept with 20 men. Here it goes:
“We never had sex. You were wasted, gave me a rough hand job, puked in my suitcase and fell asleep in my shower.”
The two laugh heartily….The end……
Don’t watch this movie. Watch High Fidelity or Scott Pilgrim.
Drive (2011) [a second opinion]
MY CALL: Sociopathy laced with catharsis; an intense, sensory, noirish tale so tone-sensitive that one would hardly notice the plot. I give this soul-rattling film a solid A+.
Ryan Gosling has always impressed me. His work in Murder By Numbers, The Notebook, and Crazy Stupid Love is all gold! So I was on board with this movie before I saw the first trailer. Seconds into this film I noticed that the tone was not at all as expected and this very different, alluring tone persisted. This was nothing like the action movie that the trailer suggested, but rather a film of quiet intensity. The opening scene is a car chase. But it is nothing like any chase you’ve seen before. There was somehow no action—yet I found myself on the edge of my seat!
[He always has a toothpick and his bad-ass jacket]
The plot is barely noticeable—not that I care. Ryan Gosling plays a character who manages to go nameless throughout the film. He drives legally by day and illegally by night, befriends his neighbor, takes a liking to her and her son, tries to help her ex-con husband, and gets caught up in a scheme-gone-wrong financed by some very powerful, very bad people.
[“Hey, can I keep this jacket?]
The film ends with a strange sense of catharsis and an overwhelming desire to download the movie’s most notable recurring, 80s-reminiscent track (A Real Hero by College featuring Electric Youth) which, like most of the score, was haunting in a most invited way—not unlike the film itself. The emotional content was dramatically bipolar. Some very soothing, almost lulling moments with Ryan Gosling are crossed with the all too real sociopathy delivered by Albert Brooks…and occasionally Gosling as well. Punctuating this unsubtle psychological element are surprisingly unbrief scenes of extreme, visceral violence.
The makers of this film clearly took a lot of risks, all of which clearly paid off. 127 Hours and Sunshine were movies that were designed and advertised as very sensory experiences. The score and careful use of lighting and color correction permitted the engineering of audio-visual experiences of previously unimagined architecture. Conversely, the stylishly similar Drive was advertised as a modern-noir, taciturn antihero leading a double life which smacks of a much more serious take on The Transporter.
By now you may have noticed that I made no mention of Christina Hendricks (Mad Men), Carey Mulligan (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps), Brian Cranston (Breaking Bad) or Ron Perlman (Bunraku, Outlander, Hellboy). Why? They’re really just pawns in the sociopathic duel engaged by Gosling and Brooks. It’s no fault of the other actors. These two simply stole all the scenes. I couldn’t endorse this movie more!
[“How much do you want for that jacket?”]
So go online and find out where Gosling got that sleek, bitchin’ jacket, cross your fingers that Drive wins an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor Albert Brooks, and hop on Amazon to buy this movie on Blu-Ray on its January 31st release!
Trailer Talk: The Grey
Liam Neeson battling wolves = A guaranteed good time.
People love Liam Neeson. He is the new Harrison Ford. I’d pay to watch him punch any creature or human. However, what I am most excited about is the supporting cast. Frank Grillo (Warrior) and James Badge Dale (The Pacific) and Joe Anderson (The Crazies) are all actors on the rise and solid in every role they take. This is good because you know you will like the characters as they try to survive. With every death or close call your heart will be pounding as you watch them navigate the rocky terrain.
Neeson is getting Oscar buzz for his role as a survival expert trying to help an Alaskan oil drilling team survive after a plane crash. They won’t just be battling the weather. They have to deal with wolves that are protecting their territory and looking for actor flesh. The trailer looks beautiful and director Joe Carnahan (Narc, Smoking Aces, A-Team) makes use of the wilderness well. This is not some back stage fluff. This is a down and dirty wolf punching film.
The most featured moment looks to be Neesons mini bottle knife brawl with two wolves. How could that suck? I’ve always wondered about mini bottles. It would be cool to see the worlds smallest molotov cocktail.
Enjoy the trailer! Dig the cast! Punch a wolf.
John’s Horror Corner: Underworld: Awakening (2011)
MY CALL: Nobody panic. The Underworld franchise is redeemed after the catastrophic Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. B+ for action and mindless entertainment value. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Underworld (2003) and Underworld: Evolution (2006), of course. Just not Rise of the Lycans (2009), an epic fail.
Thank God! Scream Queen Kate Beckinsale returns. I had no difficulty watching Rhona Mitra, but Rise of the Lycans just hurt me. I thought that the amputation of that wretched third installment would leave the franchise forever bitter and crippled from making new sequels. But have no fear. The franchise is redeemed and primed for more sequels.
After a quick recap of the first two movies’ events, we are introduced to a near-future in which the vampires and lycans (werewolves) have been discovered by humans. It is acknowledged in the movie that ‘now these nonhumans are more than myth’ and, not surprisingly given human nature, the humans militarized a “cleansing” to eradicate the vampires and lycans. In this middle of all this Selene (Beckinsale) is captured and cryogenically frozen. This is where the background ends and this story begins.
Selene is freed from her cryo-chamber after being helped by some unseen (presumably) nonhuman and escapes an extremely well-guarded research facility. Conveniently, the her scientist-captors left all of her tight, shiny leather outfit in some chemical cabinets, so she was quick to find her normal form. During her escape she encounters some thought-to-be-eradicated lycans and a little vamp-lycan hybrid adolescent—she’s pretty tough and gets some cool action scenes. This little girl (actually an 18 year old, India Eisley; The Secret Life of the American Teenager TV series) seems to be the center of story because the lycans REALLY want her.
The plot is quite weak; borderline pointless. But that didn’t bother me a bit. Like the first two installments of the franchise, this flick cluster-bombs viewers with exciting action sequences, flesh-shredding assaults, people being slam-launched across the room into walls, a healthy dose of blood splattering, and some occasional creative acrobatics. Oh, and watch out for the really, really, big bad wolf. The lycans genetically engineered this mega-lycan that is around 12-15 feet tall and probably weighs a couple tons. The fight scenes between MegaLycan (Lost Girl’s Kris Holden-Ried as Quint) and Selene are very exciting, brutal, bashy, gritty… The other action scenes are fun, too. Including a lycan-on-foot car chase, some mass melees, and some spiffy close-quarters combat. If you came with no care for plot and every care for mindless action, then this flick is most certainly for you.
In the end I was thrilled with the production value, action-filming and set design—all of which were poor in Rise of the Lycans. The effects budget seemed to be lower than it was for Underworld: Evolution (the best effects of the franchise), but to no fault. This is one of those “movies for guys who like movies” action flicks and one really wouldn’t suffer for not seeing the prequels. But you should definitely watch them anyway!
While this was uber-fun, the best Underworld “feel” came from the first two, both directed by Len Wiseman. Wiseman wrote the story for all of the Underworld movies, directed Live Free or Die Hard and is also directing the Total Recall remake, which also features Beckinsale. Happy day! When Wiseman directs, things seem to go well. So see all his movies, see this movie (even though he didn’t direct), and let’s hope they get him for the next Underworld installment!
And now for more guns and leather-clad Beck. Just look at her emotional range…

Bewildered

Pissed!

“Look what the cat dragged in.”
Haywire
I’ve been following Gina Carano’s career for a while. I am a huge mixed martial arts (MMA) fan and Carano was the face of women’s MMA. However, her face met “Cyborg steroid” Santos.
Luckily, Steven Soderbergh saw one of her fights and decided to write a movie around her. This isn’t the first time he has developed a film around a strong female personality. He directed the critically successful The Girlfriend Experience starring Sasha Grey.
Soderbergh intelligently keeps the emoting to a minimum and focuses on the hard-hitting fight scenes. With Carano’s ability there is no need for quick cuts and wild punches. Each fight is a chess match of violence that can be told by long static shots.
Haywire is a slick violent film that may turn off people with its depiction of a woman getting the snot beat out of her. Carano gives as good as she gets but you’ve never seen a woman get coffee thrown in her eyes then her face smooshed on a table.
The plot is secondary to showcasing Carano’s skills. I just watched the film and I’m not totally sure what happened. Something about money, double crosses and Antonio Banderas in a suave beard. The most important thing is that Carano is believable as the betrayed security contractor who beats up Michael Fassbender, Channing Tatum and Ewan McGregor. By staying true to traditional fighting and the laws of gravity the fights are brutal beauties.
The scenes are believable because of Carano’s fighting history and ability to choreograph her own stunts. it is nice to watch a movie where people don’t get hit in the face 70 times (no bruises) or block crow bar shots with their forearms (no breaks).
I never once questioned Carano’s victories. She is a force of nature that would put Angelina Jolie and Zoe Saldana in a single headlock. I’m not sold on her acting but I do think she will be a solid action star. Hopefully, this film will launch Carano’s career and spark some interest in MMA.
Quick fact: The had to digitally lower Carano’s voice in postproduction.
Additionally, If you haven’t watched the amazing MMA film Warrior yet check it out now.
2012 Oscar Predictions
Hello all. Mark here.
If it were up to me Warrior, The Guard and Take Shelter would win all of the awards. If there were any awards left I’d give them to Like Crazy, The Trip, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Attack the Block and 50/50. However, that only happens in Hof land. So, I am going to do my best to predict the nominations. This year there are obvious choices and several dark horses. This is going to be fun! Comment and let me know what you think.
Best Picture
The Artist and The Descendants won Golden Globes. Hugo is about the preservation of film. The Help provides a plethora of emotions and stories. Now I have to pick one more film to be on the list. It comes down to Dragon Tattoo, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, War Horse, Tree of Life and Bridesmaids. I will go with Midnight in Paris because people love a good Woody Allen movie. I’m thinking there might be ten nominations though. PLEASE NOMINATE WARRIOR!!!
Best Actor
Clooney, Pitt, Fassbender and Dujardin will get nominations. Clooney underplays beautifully, Pitt channels Redford, Fassbender bares it all and Dujardin charms. The other two noms are not so easy to figure out. I’d vote for Michael Shannon (Take Shelter) Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Solider Spy) Joel Edgerton (Warrior), Ewan McGregor (Beginners) Ryan Gosling (Drive) and Brendan Gleeson (The Guard). I hope Michael Shannon gets the last nomination. He is popular with the independent movie critics. However, he has other competition with Demian Bichir (A Better Life), Leo Dicaprio (J. Edgar) and Ryan Gosling (Ides of March) The academy likes to throw in a curve ball every once in a while so I’m going to go out on a limb (and be wrong) and add Michael Shannon to the list.
George Clooney – The Descendants
Brad Pitt – Moneyball
Jean Dujardin – The Artist
Michael Fassbender – Shame
Michael Shannon – Take Shelter
Best Actress
Streep, Davis and Williams are locks for nominations. The other two picks are where it gets interesting. I’m thinking Glenn Close will get one of the nominations because she plays a woman who disguises herself as a man. These kind of roles are Oscar bait (Boy’s Don’t Cry). The fifth is a battle between Rooney Mara (Dragon Tattoo) and Tilda Swinton (We Need to Talk About Kevin). The problem is that these three actresses could easily knock each other out.
I’d love to see Charlize Theron (Young Adult) get a nomination. She plays much more than an angry pretty lady. Her performance has more layers than seventeen onions.
Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams – My Week with Marilyn
Viola Davis – The Help
Glen Close – Albert Nobbs
Tilda Swinton – We Need to Talk About Kevin
Dark horse – Rooney Mara..People love her performance which she mimicked from Noomi Rapace. Mara said she never watched the originals but I have a hard time believing that.
Best Supporting Actor – Warrior should have three nominations (Hardy, Grillo, Nolte). I’m going out on a limb and saying Nick Nolte will grab a nod (1 in 3 ain’t bad). Plummer, Brooks and Hill are locks. The final vote comes down to Kenneth Branagh and Max Von Sydow. I gotta go with the Branagh (people love him). It would be neat for Patton Oswalt to get a nod for Young Adult but Hill has the market cornered on sidekicks
Nick Nolte – Warrior
Christopher Plummer – Beginners
Albert Brooks – Drive
Jonah Hill – Moneyball
Kenneth Branagh – My Week With Marilyn
Best Supporting Actress – Bejo, McCarthy, Spencer and Chastain are locks. The only thing that could knock out Chastain is that she starred in so many good movies this year (Tree of Life, Take Shelter, The Debt, Texas Killing Fields). Her votes could be split. The final nomination will most likely go to The Descendant’s Woodley. She gives a solid performance that was well above her years in maturity and could have been über clichéd.
Berenice Bejo – The Artist
Melissa McCarthy – Bridesmaids
Jessica Chastain – The Help
Octavia Spencer – The Help
Shailene Woodley – The Descendants
Payne, Scorsese, Hazanavcius and Allen are locks. I really hope Tree of Life gets a best picture nomination. However, I don’t think it will if there are five. (10 yes). So, Malick will pick up a nod for director. I also want Refn to get a nod for Drive….The movie is too bloody and unpredictable though.
Best Director
Alexander Payne – The Descendants
Martin Scorsese – Hugo
Michel Hazanavcius – The Artist
Terrence Mallick – Tree of Life
Woody Allen – Midnight in Paris
There are many movies that could make the cut: Margin Call, Take Shelter, Young Adult, Tree of Life, Dragon Tattoo, Drive, War Horse, A Better Life. However, I’m sticking with the ten below. I would love to see Beginners nominated but 50/50 has a better chance.
Best Original Screenplay
1. Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
2. Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
3. Kristen Wiig & Annie Mumulo, Bridesmaids
4. Will Reiser, 50/50
5. Tom McCarthy and Joe Tibani, Win Win
Best Adapted Screenplay
1. Nat Faxon, Alexander Payne & Jim Rash, The Descendants
2. Aaron Sorkin & Steven Zaillian, Moneyball
3. John Logan, Hugo
4. Tate Taylor, The Help
5. Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier Spy
War Horse
This movie was the perfect way to end 2011. The short story is we (Mark and I) thought we could have a fun, ironic time watching New Year’s Eve on NYE….buuuuut we ended up leaving (at the very beginning) and going to watch War Horse instead.
Best. Decision. Ever.
War Horse is a visual treat. I really don’t know how you could dislike this film. Set in WWI, Spielberg masterfully balances multiple stories that show us the brutal realities of war and the story of a remarkable horse named Joey. Originally a book (1982) that was adapted into a play in 2007, War Horse captured the imaginations of American producers and directors and was brought to life while the animation for Spielberg’s Tin Tin was being finished.
I hate giving away too much about a movie in the reivew…if you want spoilers, I suggest YouTube. Instead, I’ll give you five reasons to go see (and fall in love with) War Horse:
1. The cast. This movie is filled with great actors, established (Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hiddleston, Peter Mullan, Niels Arestrup) and new comers (Jeremy Irvine, ) all had solid performances.
2. Joey. Right from the beginning you are hooked. This horse is something special; teacher, companion, friend, fighter, War Horse. Also- you like horses, who doesn’t? Deep down, you can’t fight that you love movies about horses.
3. The scene with the English and German solidier. Humorous, heartbreaking, historical. By far, our favorite scene in the whole movie.
4. A little French girl captures your heart. I mean you’d have to be heartless not to love the mini hurdles she sets up as a demonstration for Joey.
5. The Great War. Soooo maybe I am kind of obsessed with Downton Abbey right now, and this happens to fall in the same period of time, but nonetheless this is a sight to see. This was was brutal in Europe and I’m a sucker for a story that can bring hope in the misdst of so much tragedy.
Fun Facts
- Jeremy Irvine (who plays Albert Narracott) has been known for his theater work but this was his first film.
- This was Celene Buckens (who played Emilie) first role ever.
- Fourteen horses were used to play Joey but the main ‘actor’ horse, Finder, also played Seabiscuit in the film by the same name.
- Specially designed mud was used to make the battle scenes look authentically filthy.
- Michael Morpurgo, the original author of War Horse, had a cameo in the film. He was standing next to David Thewlis in the auction at the beginning of the movie.
- Hey PETA! —> Representatives of the American Humane Society were on set at all times to ensure the health and safety of all animals involved, and the Society awarded the film an “outstanding” rating for the care that was taken of all the animals during the production.
Contraband
I love movies that can be summed up in one word. Contraband is “serviceable.” It is a blue-collar heist film that breezes along and is forgotten quickly. You walk out of theater satisfied yet not impressed. The most memorable thing about the film is the odd poster.
The movie centers around Wahlberg doing one last heist because his brother-in-law got in trouble with local drug dealer played by an odd accented Giovanni Ribisi. Wahlberg leaves behind his wife (Kate Beckinsale) and teams up with a rag-tag crew in order to smuggle counterfeit money from Panama.
The movie has no high-tech gadgets or death-defying stunts. The job is surprisingly straight forward until it becomes convoluted with poor choices, twists and double crosses. New Orleans provides a suitably gritty city that matches the strange hand-held style that director Baltasar Kormakur infuses into the film. Coincidentely, Kormakur starred in the Icelandic original called Reykjavic-Rotterdam.
The biggest problem with the film is the expository dialogue. In the opening scene every character has their history explained through dialogue that you only hear in movies. An example is when Wahlberg is talking to his best friend Ben Foster.
“He is my best friend and was my best man. But, he was so drunk he doesn’t remember the reception. Good thing he is sober now.”
After you learn this a random guy walks up to the two and declares:
“You two were the best smugglers until you quit. How did you get that Ferrari into the states?”
Sidenote: Do smugglers declare their retirement? Is it common knowledge?
There is a lot of this dialogue. Later you see that Foster is in AA. Let the viewer find out by seeing rather than hearing. I understand the necessity of character but it shouldn’t feel lazy due to forced dialogue.
Ben Foster drives a sweet Ford F150 Raptor though. Everytime the truck was on screen I was instantly more attentive.
Rent Contraband, Watch Contraband, Use expository dialogue for the rest of the day.
John’s Horror Corner: The Hazing (2004)
MY CALL: This Night of the Demons rip-off is one of the best direct-to-DVD horror flicks I’ve seen! The actors do surprisingly well, the scenarios are fun and the effects are decent. This gets an “A+” as far as straight-to-DVD horror goes. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Night of the Demons (1988), Night of the Demons 2 (1994), and the recent remake Night of the Demons (2009), but maybe you should skip Night of the Demons 3 (1997). Also, while demon free, Sorority Row (2009) has all the 80s campiness of these demon flicks but with an updated cast and a trucker-looking Carrie Fisher. ALTERNATE TITLE: Also released as Dead Scared, a much worse title.
The Hazing was everything that most theatrical horror releases SHOULD be nowadays—yet this movie somehow was overlooked as a solid Halloween release in 2004. What beat this movie out of a major release slot? Was it Seed of Chucky?!!? An “amusing” movie without a doubt, but far inferior to this little-known gem. It’s just upsetting.
Now I must admit: this is a “silly” horror movie. Think the Night of the Demons series (part 2, in particular), and make it a little yet MORE silly, sort of like Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Warriors. But this movie is much more similar to the former, taking place in “Hack House”, a name strangely similar to the “Hell House”, “Hill House”, and “Hull House” of various other nearly identically-premised films. But you know what? I don’t care that it’s a serially violated and re-packaged premise because this time it paid off in full!

“Whoa, look, an evil-looking book”
“We should read from it!”
So a bunch of college kids are doing a scavenger hunt on Halloween. They end up at Hack House and decide to have some fun. Then weird things start happening as an evil force possesses them, one by one, using them as malevolent marionettes. The flick features cheap seductions, humorous kills, good one-liners, and the most memorable oral sex scene ever. As simple as it sounds, this movie was solid-gold awesome.

Gearing up to combat evil.
Most importantly, while this is a low budget flick, this went unnoticed after the first 20 minutes. The effects were tactfully simple but truly no less entertaining for it. The film quality, music and sound effects were in league with theatrical horror films (the ones that SHOULD actually be theatrical releases). The frequent humor was delivered with surprisingly good timing by little known, but unexpectedly good actors. Oh, and the pace of action was strong after the much slower character-developing start of the movie which, still, was rather entertaining. I enjoyed the characters a lot. Parry Shen is nerdily charming, B-horror scream queen Tiffany Shepis holds her own, Brad Dourif is creepy without make-up, and then there was Nectar Rose. This chick stole every scene!
A final note: nothing in this movie is scary, and if you jump it was due to unexpectedness and not actual fright. This is for those who love the style of horror of the movies referenced in this review. This was made to elicit laughs rather than screams.
Bad Movie Tuesday: Straw Dogs
I know why the Straw Dogs remake failed critically and financially. This film forgets about the journey and focuses only on the destination. The characters, plot and screenplay do not matter. They are all a device for good-looking people to violate other good-looking people.
I’m not going to get into the remake but I will show you two pictures that summarize the main characters.
You know exactly what will happen after looking at these pictures.
The original Straw Dogs incited rage, discussion and more rage 1971. The film starred Dustin Hoffman as a mathematician moving to Cornwall with his English wife. Hoffman wants to be the money-maker and his wife to be in the kitchen and bedroom. The only way she would agree is if he does all the male tasks. A culture clash occurs, their house is attacked, cats are strung up in closets and Hoffman puts on his Under Armour and protects his house. The film opened to mass protest and director Sam Peckinpah was blasted for the debasement of women. This film provided an important discussion and opened the same year as Dirty Harry and Clockwork Orange.
The violence was ugly. However, in the new film it is inevitable. When violence becomes predictable it loses the impact. However, people who remake films don’t understand this. They are remaking the films to be flashy junk where characters are secondary and violence is glorified.
This may seem like an odd example but I wanted to share a story. Forrest Griffin the former light heavyweight champion of the UFC wrote a ridiculous book in which he explains man etiquette (I bought it when a Borders bookstore was closing). In the book he talks how he and his meathead friends roughed up a seemingly timid nerd on the Georgia Tech campus. However, something surprising happened. No matter what they did the guy would not stop attacking them. He was a 150 pound wild man screaming “You will have to kill me!”
The situation became ugly as no matter how far they threw him he would not give up. He never stopped attacking them. They had to run into their car and drive away while a bloodied weakling chased them away.
This situation was a turning point in Griffin’s life. It proved that even the smallest man can become primal if pushed far enough. The situation was ugly, sad and unnecessary.
The original Straw Dogs was not pretty. It was a powder keg waiting to explode. The world was changing and men and womens roles were reversing. The material was timely and worthy to be explored. Peckinpah knew the time was right to push buttons.
New York Times writer Terrence Rafferty sums the button pushing well when he said:
“It was Sam Peckinpah’s nature to want to show his audience what it didn’t want to see, to make it feel what it didn’t think it could feel. When you watch his “Straw Dogs,” you come out knowing more about yourself. Or perhaps less. All you can tell for sure is that it hurts.”
Have you heard anything about the remade Straw Dogs? The film was directed by a famous film critic and stars Oscar nominated thespians, heart throbs, super heroes and television stars. A movie about rape, murder, violence, sex and manliness has been forgotten quickly.
The reason is that there are no surprises. I’d compare it to the unnecessary shot for shot remake of Psycho. You are watching ugly for no reason. If I hadn’t been writing I would have fallen asleep. My self-defense mechanism for bad remakes is sleep. The new Texas Chainsaw, Nightmare on Elm Street and Jason films had me snoring by the 30 minute mark.
The 1974 Texas Chainsaw didn’t make me fall asleep. Much like the 1971 Straw Dogs Chainsaw was edgy, dangerous and cheap. I watched it with five of my friends over ten years ago. We were a bunch of punk kids who terrorized our town (in fun ways) and always had something to say. After the film we all walked quietly to our cars. None of us said a word or thought the terror was awesome. It beat us down. We were all disturbed at the journey we had just taken. I guarantee we all checked our houses for chainsawing behemoths that night before we tried to sleep.
I’m not saying that the original Texas is a good film. I will never watch it again. However, it was effective and shut up five cocky teenagers who thought they were tough. The reason this film is still brought up in discussion is because it hurts. A tiny film had a big impact with audiences around the world.
Audience were not kind to the new Straw Dogs. The film made only $10.3 million. This is not a new trend with remakes.
The remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is underperforming at the box office. The studio was predicting huge numbers but instead were left debating if they should make the sequels (they are). One of the reasons I think it has underperformed is because the marketing stressed sex and violence. The tagline was “the feel bad movie of Christmas.” Sex and violence can only get you so far. If the two mattered than Showgirls would have been the biggest film ever. TGWTDT should have marketed the strong female lead and its unique Swedish look. The movie is good but the marketing may have kept viewers away.
Don’t watch the new Straw Dogs. The film is unnecessary. Watch the original instead. At the very least it will provide a discussion.
We did a horror movie remake and the eight finalists were films that improved upon their originals. the violence of Evil Dead 2 and The Thing are great because you are invested in the characters and care what happens to them.
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