MFF Random Data: How Old is MacGruber? A MacGruber timeline

I’m a big fan of the movie MacGruber, it’s incredibly profane, always funny, and it doesn’t make anything easy for audiences (think MacGruber’s speech about stealing Casey from Cunth). One of my favorite moments is when Lt. Dixon Piper breaks down MacGruber’s military achievements. Here’s what he has to say:

“The Legendary MacGruber. Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia, three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor, seven Presidential Medals of Bravery and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.”

After hearing about his war heroics, and learning he foiled an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979, I became curious as to how old MacGruber actually was in the 2010 film. I started by researching the Saturday Night Live skits, that aired between 2007 and 2010. However, I quickly learned that they’re zero help because his age is all over the place, (44-50 in some skits) and according to the MacGyver/MacGruber skit he was born in 1973. The year is problematic because in the 2010 movie timeline he foiled an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979. This means if the timelines are combined, he was only six when he helped save Carter. Nope.

Here’s a document from the film that discusses his heroics in 1979 and proves the two timelines are different (this is insane….I know it).

Based on the clues from historical data, UTEP sports records and the 2010 film, I’ve come up with a MacGruber timeline that suggests he was 54 years old in the 2010 film.

MOVIE TIMELINE

1956 – MacGruber is born – Parents unknown (His tombstone and passports say he was born in 1963, which I believe is a classic MacGruber lie. He wasn’t a Green Beret when he was 16)

1974 – Was recruited by UTEP to play Tight End. He had two receptions for 18 yards and a touchdown during his Freshman year.

*Based on the film’s timeline and UTEP records, the UTEP TE Dean Allcorn fits the dates perfectly. I’m using his stats.

1975 – Five receptions for 59 yards – He also bowls a 225 game at a local bowling alley.

1976 – 14 receptions for 256 yards and two touchdowns

1977 -Six receptions for 83 yards and two touchdowns. He is recruited by the Army after graduation, because they are impressed with his hand/eye coordination (E.G. beginning of throat rip training). He also breaks up Dieter Von Cunth and Casey Janine Fitzpatrick.

*I’m happy with this late 1970’s assumption because during the flashback scene in MacGruber, he is wearing a ringer T-shirt. They were immensely popular in the 70s.

1978 – Army Ranger Training – During his training, he learns that he hates guns. Normally, this would be an issue, however, his aptitude for remorseless killing and throat rips make him a valuable asset.

1979 – Foiled the Assassination of President Jimmy Carter in Israel (Carter did visit in 1979) – MacGruber foiled the terror plot and killed 200 in process. I’m guessing bombs and throat rips. In the report, he says “Bombs are super complicated”

This is the article about how he prevented an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979

1979 – Green Beret Training (busy year for MacGruber) – He also meets Frank Korver for the first time

1980 – Two Tours in Nicaragua (received 3 Purple Heart Medals, One Congressional Medal of Honor, and a Presidential Medal of Bravery) – During the “Chattanooga Two-Step Mission” he saved most of a village and his fellow Berets when he throat ripped 27 soldiers during a 17-mile trek through the wilderness. He was shot twice (oddly, he didn’t mind the bullet wounds) during the trek

1981 – One Tour in Nicaragua (received 1 Purple Heart Medal) – He received the Purple Heart Medal when his homemade dynamite exploded early

1982 – Navy SEAL training

1983 – Missions in Israel, Canada(?), and Persian Gulf (Classified – I never heard back from Canadian sources)

1984 – Missions in Iran, Honduras, and Persian Gulf (Classified)

1985 – Missions in Iran and Libya (Classified)

1986 – Missions in Libya and Bolivia (Classified) – We do know he and Tut Beemer became friends during this time

1987 – Two tours in Mozambique (3 Purple Heart Medals and Presidential Medal of Bravery)

1988 – One tour in Mozambique (1 Purple Heart Medal) – During one particularly nasty throat rip, he poked himself in the eye and claimed he received the injury from his foe

1989 – Two tours in Somalia, One tour in Nicaragua – Vicky St. Elmo is shot during this Nicaragua tour

1990 – One Tour in Somalia (cut short), Two tours in Desert Storm (3 purple hearts) – During these tours he teams up with Vernon Freedom, Tug Phelps, Tanker Lutz and Brick Hughes

1991 – Four tours in Desert Storm (special military rules allowed the tours to be shorter than normal – first person to ever have this happen to) – (Two Congressional Medals of Honor, 3 Presidential Medals of Honor) – MacGruber was able to deactivate a scud missile and throat rip a famous sniper at the same time.

1992 – One tour in Bosnia (1 Purple Heart Medal), One tour in Somalia (Classified)

1993 – Two tours in Bosnia (One Presidential Medal of Honor) – The film Behind Enemy Lines was inspired by his missions here.

1994 – One tour in Angola (Classified)

1995 – One tour in Sierra Leone (2 Purple Heart Medals) – Deactivated two bombs at the same time. However, he missed the third bomb, which is why he received two Purple Heart Medals

1996 – One tour in Sierra Leone (2 Purple Heart Medals) – Same as above

1997 – One tour in Sierra Leone (One Presidential Medal of Honor) – This time he got to all three bombs.

1998 – One tour in Angola (Classified)

1999 – One tour in Angola (Classified, Redacted and Classified again…Something bad happened)

2000 – Retired – Marriage to Casey Fitzpatrick – Wedding Tragedy

2000-2010 – Isolation in Rio Bamba, Ecuador – Faked his death

2010 – BACK IN ACTION!!!!!!

There it is! MacGruber was 54 years old in the 2010 MacGruber. He also had a long and storied military career that left at least 7,000 dead (good and bad people).

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