MY CALL: So bad. MORE MOVIES LIKE Boardinghouse: Hard to say. But it’s rare that I’d ever suggest someone actually watch Witchcraft II: The Temptress (1988)… as long as it was instead of Boardinghouse. This makes Death Spa (1989) and Killer Workout (1987) feel like filmmaking triumphs.
So, quick disclaimer. I watched the “rare director’s cut” of this microbudget B-movie. Don’t do that!!! I also had to buy this in order to watch it. Don’t do that either!!! Don’t watch this inordinately long cut. It’s 2 hours and 36 minutes. Yes! You read that right! A craptastic, not even so-bad-it’s-good, already boring-as-sin flick that was stretched out by an extra hour! This was the God-Emperor of bad ideas. No wonder this cut is “rare.”
Long after the death of a Nobel Laureate who was researching telekinesis and the occult, subsequent occupants of the house found horrible accidental deaths by mutilation. When our newest owner moves in, he decides to make it into a boardinghouse for “young, single, beautiful, unattached girls.” So I guess we’re in for some sleaze. But no. It’s not nearly as raunchy as you’d expect (e.g., it’s no Greasy Strangler). In fact, other than the inclusion of some gratuitous nudity, its delivery is hardly raunchy at all. We just squeeze the cheese all over this movie with bikini-clad twentysomethings in an inordinate number of pool scenes with nothing to say and nothing to do, in a movie with nothing to entertain us.
So this weird little flick is conceptually sleazy, but never really delivers on the raunchy exploitation you’d expect. Makes you wonder what it has to offer. Maybe some good gory efforts? Hardly. Maybe two decent scenes. Two scenes in 150 minutes!
The best part of this God-awful movie was also the most needlessly mean part: the hammered cat scene. Yup. A cat gets killed in about as mean and graphic a way as I’ve seen. At least the cat in The Boondock Saints (1999) was killed instantaneously. There was also one entertaining scene with a woman gouging out her own eyes. The effects are cheap, but it’s the only scene (other than the hammered cat) that feels like it received any effort. But the other 2 hours and 32 minutes of this movie painfully drag. Every scene was too long—way too long—and way too boring. This was so bad it made me long for even some of the lowest quality Troma films.
There’s this weird gardener character that’s meant to be mysterious. Every scene and everything about that character fails to deliver anything outside of the sheer lunacy that someone thought this was a good idea.
In terms of overall filmmaking, this is hot garbage covered in liquid feces that got lit on fire. The narration and exposition are dry and boring and just so clumsy, there are numerous worthless little shots clunkily edited, the deaths are flaccid, and most of the scenes are completely unnecessary.
The special effects are nothing special. Perhaps the “best” effects after the self-eye-gauging involved a man pulling animal organs between his shirt buttons. I wanted so badly to be able to laugh at this movie. Instead I rue the day I ever heard of it. Writer and director John Wintergate (Terror by Tour) disappeared from film after this movie. I’m hoping a few people who suffered through it tracked him down and threw him in that remote cabin basement with Henrietta.
I’ve written nearly 1000 reviews for this website. And this, truly and honestly, may very well be the most devastatingly boring thing I’ve watched and reviewed. Spare yourselves. Avoid this at all costs.
Share this post:
Listen to the MFF Final Fights podcast on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean or Google Podcasts (or wherever you listen to podcasts)!
The final fight between Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) and the massive alien queen in Aliens is one of the greatest movie fights ever. It’s a fantastic battle between two badasses that features Ripley saying “Get away from her, you bitch!” before taking on the 18-foot tall creature in a battle to the death. Director James Cameron knew exactly how much to show of the creature, and the end result is a beautiful brawl. Watch the clip then listen to the Final Fights episode!
Share this post:
MY CALL: I was expecting a cheap “rubber suited monster” movie with a few gory scenes. This, however, blew past my expectations as a creature feature and a somewhat fantasy-adventure movie. MORE MOVIES LIKE Screamers: For more fishmen and amphibious humanoid monsters, go for Humanoids from the Deep (1980), Croaked (1981), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Dagon (2001), Bad Blood (2016), Cold Skin (2017) and Underwater (2020).
A small treasure-hunting expedition (victim fodder for the opening scenes) to a remote island ventures to the misty Cave of the Dead filled with gross decayed skeletons and corpses. Slime-covered monstrous claws are all we see at first, but they look great for the 70s and they waste no time before brutally ripping off a man’s head, making bloody fleshy lacerations of a victim’s throat and slashing out a guy’s intestines! This all happens in the first ten minutes. So we’re off to a great start.
When we see the fishmen, they look great. I’d say better than Humanoids from the Deep (1980), especially in the opening shots, and maybe a bit less impressive in some subsequent shots as there is more than one creature/suit design. There are also some sort of animated corpse/zombies in the fishmen’s lair—and the corpses are gooey!
When the survivors of a prison ship wash ashore on the remote island, they encounter the island’s owner, his native servants led by Shakira (Beryl Cunningham; The Exterminators of the Year 3000, Tarzana the Wild Woman), and the lovely Amanda (Barbara Bach; The Humanoid, Caveman, The Unseen)—who seems to be more like a prisoner treated liked a houseguest.
After the opening scenes, this doesn’t feel much like a horror movie. An interesting plot unfolds more akin to an adventure movie than horror, and it relies on action perhaps more than “scares.” As if mixing The Island of Doctor Moreau (1977) with a treasure hunt action-mystery, the island’s owner has an elaborate plan to harvest the ancient treasures of the Lost City of Atlantis, and that plan involves Amanda and now his new guests.
The effects of the fishmen vary (because there are differently designed costumes). Single monster appearances are more often the better creature designs (as well as the laboratory experiment scene), and multiple monsters present often indicates the weaker creature design. But overall, it’s always cool seeing these things. There are many long shots of the fishmen swimming underwater, creating great visuals. Actually, this film was really ambitious. Lots of interesting sets, lots of monsters that we see very often, a good amount of gore, scenes in caverns and beaches and caves, probably expensive underwater scenes and lots of structure fires. This whole undertaking looks expensive.
But (maybe I missed something here) why is the American title release of this movie called Screamers? It turns out one of the title releases (for the USA, I think) carried that title along with the tagline: “They’re men turned inside out! And worse… they’re still alive!” But other than the skinned (maybe undead) thing in the early beach cave scene, there’s nothing of the sort. And, sure, the main bad guy does something to people. But this title and line is incredibly misleading, and probably generated by someone who just saw some screen shots out of context.
Director Sergio Martino (2019: After the Fall of New York, Hands of Steel, Torso) made a satisfying, entertaining film. It definitely was not what I expected. And although it’s not something I plan on revisiting, it’s something I’m glad I saw.
I was expecting a cheap rubber suited monster movie with a few gory scenes. This, however, blew past my expectations as a creature feature and a somewhat fantasy-adventure movie.
Share this post:
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The racing series continues! John Leavengood and I continue our racing series by talking about the 2001 racing film Driven. Directed by Renny Harlin (Deep Blue Sea, Cliffhanger), and starring Sylvester Stallone, this $90 million budgeted movie spared no expense in its quest to recreate the sights, sounds and feeling of Championship Car racing (it succeeds). In this episode, we discuss unnecessary street racing, synchronized swimming, and humming. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean,or Spreaker.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Share this post:
I’m a big fan of the movie MacGruber, it’s incredibly profane, always funny, and it doesn’t make anything easy for audiences (think MacGruber’s speech about stealing Casey from Cunth). One of my favorite moments is when Lt. Dixon Piper breaks down MacGruber’s military achievements. Here’s what he has to say:
“The Legendary MacGruber. Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia, three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor, seven Presidential Medals of Bravery and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.”
After hearing about his war heroics, and learning he foiled an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979, I became curious as to how old MacGruber actually was in the 2010 film. I started by researching the Saturday Night Live skits, that aired between 2007 and 2010. However, I quickly learned that they’re zero help because his age is all over the place, (44-50 in some skits) and according to the MacGyver/MacGruber skit he was born in 1973. The year is problematic because in the 2010 movie timeline he foiled an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979. This means if the timelines are combined, he was only six when he helped save Carter. Nope.
Here’s a document from the film that discusses his heroics in 1979 and proves the two timelines are different (this is insane….I know it).
Based on the clues from historical data, UTEP sports records and the 2010 film, I’ve come up with a MacGruber timeline that suggests he was 54 years old in the 2010 film.
MOVIE TIMELINE
1956 – MacGruber is born – Parents unknown (His tombstone and passports say he was born in 1963, which I believe is a classic MacGruber lie. He wasn’t a Green Beret when he was 16)
1974 – Was recruited by UTEP to play Tight End. He had two receptions for 18 yards and a touchdown during his Freshman year.
*Based on the film’s timeline and UTEP records, the UTEP TE Dean Allcorn fits the dates perfectly. I’m using his stats.
1975 – Five receptions for 59 yards – He also bowls a 225 game at a local bowling alley.
1976 – 14 receptions for 256 yards and two touchdowns
1977 -Six receptions for 83 yards and two touchdowns. He is recruited by the Army after graduation, because they are impressed with his hand/eye coordination (E.G. beginning of throat rip training). He also breaks up Dieter Von Cunth and Casey Janine Fitzpatrick.
*I’m happy with this late 1970’s assumption because during the flashback scene in MacGruber, he is wearing a ringer T-shirt. They were immensely popular in the 70s.
1978 – Army Ranger Training – During his training, he learns that he hates guns. Normally, this would be an issue, however, his aptitude for remorseless killing and throat rips make him a valuable asset.
1979 – Foiled the Assassination of President Jimmy Carter in Israel (Carter did visit in 1979) – MacGruber foiled the terror plot and killed 200 in process. I’m guessing bombs and throat rips. In the report, he says “Bombs are super complicated”
This is the article about how he prevented an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979
1979 – Green Beret Training (busy year for MacGruber) – He also meets Frank Korver for the first time
1980 – Two Tours in Nicaragua (received 3 Purple Heart Medals, One Congressional Medal of Honor, and a Presidential Medal of Bravery) – During the “Chattanooga Two-Step Mission” he saved most of a village and his fellow Berets when he throat ripped 27 soldiers during a 17-mile trek through the wilderness. He was shot twice (oddly, he didn’t mind the bullet wounds) during the trek
1981 – One Tour in Nicaragua (received 1 Purple Heart Medal) – He received the Purple Heart Medal when his homemade dynamite exploded early
1982 – Navy SEAL training
1983 – Missions in Israel, Canada(?), and Persian Gulf (Classified – I never heard back from Canadian sources)
1984 – Missions in Iran, Honduras, and Persian Gulf (Classified)
1985 – Missions in Iran and Libya (Classified)
1986 – Missions in Libya and Bolivia (Classified) – We do know he and Tut Beemer became friends during this time
1987 – Two tours in Mozambique (3 Purple Heart Medals and Presidential Medal of Bravery)
1988 – One tour in Mozambique (1 Purple Heart Medal) – During one particularly nasty throat rip, he poked himself in the eye and claimed he received the injury from his foe
1989 – Two tours in Somalia, One tour in Nicaragua – Vicky St. Elmo is shot during this Nicaragua tour
1990 – One Tour in Somalia (cut short), Two tours in Desert Storm (3 purple hearts) – During these tours he teams up with Vernon Freedom, Tug Phelps, Tanker Lutz and Brick Hughes
1991 – Four tours in Desert Storm (special military rules allowed the tours to be shorter than normal – first person to ever have this happen to) – (Two Congressional Medals of Honor, 3 Presidential Medals of Honor) – MacGruber was able to deactivate a scud missile and throat rip a famous sniper at the same time.
1992 – One tour in Bosnia (1 Purple Heart Medal), One tour in Somalia (Classified)
1993 – Two tours in Bosnia (One Presidential Medal of Honor) – The film Behind Enemy Lines was inspired by his missions here.
1994 – One tour in Angola (Classified)
1995 – One tour in Sierra Leone (2 Purple Heart Medals) – Deactivated two bombs at the same time. However, he missed the third bomb, which is why he received two Purple Heart Medals
1996 – One tour in Sierra Leone (2 Purple Heart Medals) – Same as above
1997 – One tour in Sierra Leone (One Presidential Medal of Honor) – This time he got to all three bombs.
1998 – One tour in Angola (Classified)
1999 – One tour in Angola (Classified, Redacted and Classified again…Something bad happened)
2000 – Retired – Marriage to Casey Fitzpatrick – Wedding Tragedy
2000-2010 – Isolation in Rio Bamba, Ecuador – Faked his death
2010 – BACK IN ACTION!!!!!!
There it is! MacGruber was 54 years old in the 2010 MacGruber. He also had a long and storied military career that left at least 7,000 dead (good and bad people).
If you like this random post, make sure to check out my other random data.
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- How long did it take for The Joker to build the cash pyramid in The Dark Knight?
- Analyzing the Unsuccessful Trap in Predators
- Avengers Disassembled: A Look at the alone time characters have in their MCU films
- How Far Did the Shark Travel in Jaws: The Revenge?
- How Many Calories Did Shaggy and Scooby Ingest When They Are The Cotton Candy Glob?
- The Dolph Lundgren Front Kick Spectacular
- How Far Did the Creature From It Follows Travel?
- How Many Bullets Missed John Matrix in Commando?
- How Long Did it Take Batman to Setup the Bat Fire on the Bridge in The Dark Knight Rises?
- Kevin Bacon’s College Degrees
- How Fast Does the Great White Swim in Shark Night?
- Zara the Assistant and Jurassic World Had a Bad Day
- A Look at Elektra’s sandbag trainer in Daredevil
- How Far Did Nic Cage Run While Dressed as a Bear In The Wicker Man Remake?
- Breaking Down The Mariner vs. Sea Beast Battle in Waterworld
- How Long Did it Take The Joker to Setup the Weapon Circle in Suicide Squad?
- Michael Myers Hates Blinkers
- How Much Blood Dropped During the Blood Rave in Blade?
- Jason Voorhees Can’t Teleport?
- Michael Myers Loves Laundry
- How Far Did the Merman Travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How Far Did Matthew McConaughey Jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface Run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How Far Did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How Did the Geologist Get Lost in Prometheus?
- People Love a Bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- How Do You Make the Perfect Kevin Smith Movie?
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How Fast Can the Fisherman Clean a Trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s Expensive to Feature Characters Being Eaten Alive and Surviving Without a Scratch
- How Long Does it Take Your Favorite Horror Movie Characters to Travel From NYC to San Francisco?
- What was the Guy’s Blood Pressure in Dawn of the Dead?
- Why Were There So Many Lemons in National Treasure?
- How Far Does The Rock Jump in the Skyscraper Poster?
Share this post:
Listen to the MFF Final Fights podcast on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean or Google Podcasts (or wherever you listen to podcasts)!
The final fight between Robert Roy MacGregor (Liam Neeson) and Archibald Cunningham (Tim Roth) in Rob Roy is one of my favorite fights because of the narrative it tells. I love the William Hobbs (Willow, Ladyhawke, Count of Monte Cristo) choreographed brawl because it tells the story of a hulking badass (Rob Roy. who is a good man) battling a lithe murderer (Cunningham. who is a terrible human) in a battle to the death. If you are into beautifully choreographed sword fights, watch the clips below, then listen to our episode! Enjoy!
Share this post:
MY CALL: An important film for any fan of found footage horror, and great for such a micro-budget. But if you’re not a fan of the subgenre, I doubt you’d enjoy this.
MORE MOVIES LIKE The McPherson Tape: My gut response is to first tell you to see Signs (2002) if you haven’t already seen it. For more alien abduction films, strongly consider seeing Communion (1989), Fire in the Sky (1993), The Fourth Kind (2009), Dark Skies (2013), Skinwalker Ranch (2013) and Extraterrestrial (2014). But I’d skip Alien Abduction (2014) and especially Xenophobia (2019). For more good quality found footage horror, go for The Blair Witch Project (1999), Paranormal Activity 1-2 (2007, 2010), Lake Mungo (2008), The Last Exorcism (2010), Grave Encounters (2011), Grave Encounters 2 (2012), The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014), Exists (2014), Demonic (2015), Hell House LLC (2015), Blair Witch (2016), Ghost Stories (2017) and Butterfly Kisses (2018). And even though it’s not purely found footage, Cannibal Holocaust (1980) was still ahead of its time with respect to the found footage subgenre.
IMDB summary—“On a typical fall evening in 1983, a young man was videotaping his niece’s 5th birthday party. As the night’s strange occurrences took place, he kept his video camera running, recording the entire event.”
After witnessing flashes of bright lights in the sky, the brothers search the woods to find a spaceship landing and several extraterrestrials on foot.
The very premise of this film smacks of the scene in Signs (2002) when they capture footage of the shadowy alien figure during a children’s birthday party. And it seems Signs (2002) owes more to its predecessor—for example, the scene of the panicked family listening to the aliens on the roof trying to find a way inside the house.
The acting largely feels very candid. When the aliens approach the house, the family yells and argues and makes quick erratic decisions. The power goes out, people go missing, there are hints of possible telepathy and mind control, and no one knows what to do.
As we start seeing them up close, these aliens don’t look awesome. The budget is meager, so the creature effects feel no greater in quality than a mid-to-low-priced “grey” alien costume from the discount section at Walmart the day after Halloween.
Honestly, director Dean Alioto (Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County, Portal) did alright. I mean, can we remind ourselves that this is a found footage movie from the 80s!?!?! I’m no expert, but I doubt there were any “true” found footage (i.e., 100% found footage) horror films before this—at least, very few anyway. Even Cannibal Holocaust (1980) was only perhaps 30-50% found footage despite being transformative for the subgenre.
Much of the alien scene execution feels hokey even if purely by fault of the budget, and it may very well violate your suspension of belief. And some of the acting felt a bit forced (particularly the mother character). But, really, the overall frightened mania of this film works. And while I doubt I’ll ever feel the need to see this again, I’m glad I saw it.
Share this post:
Listen to the MFF Final Fights podcast on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean or Google Podcasts (or wherever you listen to podcasts)!
What I love most about Equilibrium is how Christian Bale wipes the floor with an insane amount of people with total ease. He kills gun henchmen, sword henchmen, an overly confident henchman (Taye Diggs gets wiped out quick), and finally, a gun-fu loving villain who is a total jerk. Equilibrium features some beautiful violence, and we loved talking about it for the Final Fights podcast.
Watch the clips then listen to the podcast!
Share this post:
MY CALL: What a weird, well-written, clever and brutal film. And boy, does it have a lot to say. Great for fans of either brutal or thoughtful horror. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Platform: For more genre statements of class, check out Brave New World (1998), The Island (2005), The Experiment (2010), In time (2011), Snowpiercer (2013), The Purge (2013) and Parasite (2019).
As if introducing a ritzy episode of Chef’s Table, a vast kitchen teeming with top pedigree culinary masters produces a cornucopia of high caliber, gorgeously-plated dishes. From lobster and fish to quail to quince, all such entrees find themselves crowded on a stone platform destined to feed the incarcerated occupants of a vertically oriented prison… two inmates per floor will dine, followed by the two of the level below, and so on for perhaps 150 floors (or more?). And whereas what is left for those at level 47 may strike the eye as unappealing, imagine the souls at level 138. How do they survive? And those who do… what stories do they have; what stories do they hide?
There by his own discretion, Goreng (Ivan Massagué; Pan’s Labyrinth) is an inmate with a different story. And being there of free will (initially), he more freely questions and challenges the organization of this literally linearly-tiered classism in which inmates eats the scraps of those above and inmates of higher levels are abusive of those below… to such limited extent that they can “reach” them.
Early in his stay, Goreng is indoctrinated by his cellmate (Zorion Eguileor), who has spent nearly a year cycling monthly through various levels high, middle and low. He knows the psychological quirks that are typically adopted at certain tiers, and knows what it takes to survive them. Goreng’s relationship with his cellmate dynamically evolves. One must wonder the kind of “friendship” one finds in facility in which you only interact with one other person directly… and what happens when such friendships are tested.
There are rules, and they are not so sensible to the civilized world. We find elements of The Experiment (2010) and Cube (1997) regarding inmate communication and relocation. As the movie progresses it more frequently becomes more brutal and mean and artery-slit bloody.
When the film does get bloody, it’s brutal about it. Not so graphic directly on-screen, but you feel the intensity; you hear the slimy “wet” sounds of cutting into bloody flesh. Oh, and the foley work and sound editing in this are excellent. From gross ravenous eating to slippery flesh-stripping.
For his first feature film, director Galder Gaztelu-Urrutia has conquered with this intriguing genre oddity. It’s as if the people behind the creation of the Cube (1997) decided to open a restaurant, and the main dish is social commentary.
Share this post:
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The MFF podcast is back, and this week David Cross (of The Award Wieners Movie Review Podcast) joins us to discuss the excellent 1999 creature feature The Mummy. Directed by Stephen Sommers (Deep Rising, Van Helsing), and starring Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz, The Mummy is a very fun remake that tells the story of a jerky mummy attacking likable people. In this episode, we discuss sandstorms, whiskey blood and the excellence of Brendan Fraser.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean,or Spreaker.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Movies, Films & Flix 