MY CALL: Perhaps better than average, I’d recommend this to any horror anthology fan. The special effects are weak and few, but the film largely works past this flaw with some fun story turns.
MORE HORROR ANTHOLOGIES: Dead of Night (1945), Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), The Uncanny (1977), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Deadtime Stories (1986), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990), Two Evil Eyes (1990), Grimm Prairie Tales (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Creepshow 3 (2006), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013), V/H/S 2 (2013), The Profane Exhibit (2013), The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), V/H/S Viral (2014), Southbound (2015), Tales of Halloween (2015), A Christmas Horror Story (2015), The ABCs of Death 2.5 (2016), Holidays (2016) and XX (2017).
Our provocative wraparound tale (Allison’s Story) introduces Allison (Jillian McWhirter; Progeny, The Dentist 2, Strangeland) and Cheryl (Pamela Adlon; Gate 2, Louie) to their new professor Dr. Derek (Ramy Zada; Two Evil Eyes), who uses extreme methods to teach his course on The Psychology of Fear. To complement their studies, they meet at Zada’s house to tell scary stories to explore their fears…
The first story is about a young couple whose car breaks down by an old manor with a murderous past. With no other option for help and noticing a light on in the purportedly abandoned home, Kevin (Marc McClure; Superman I-IV, Grimm Prairie Tales) and Joan (Nadine Van der Velde; Critters, Munchies) suspect that someone moved into The Old Dark House. This segment takes a very different path than expected and wanders into familiar territory when a misunderstanding turns deadly. This was a great segment!
After a strong start, this anthology hits a pothole with a much weaker entry. A Night on the Town follows four teenage girls getting lost in a bad part of town, chased by a filthy rapey vagrant, and attacked by his pack of dogs. Despite seeing some familiar faces–Judie Aronson (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Weird Science) and Penelope Sudrow (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3)—this was my least favorite segment and, worth noting, this one is not for dog lovers. The acting and writing were poor and nothing interesting happens.
The third segment (All Night Operator) stars Marg Helgenberger (CSI, Mr. Brooks, Species 1-2) as an answering service operator having a difficult night shift with a disturbed phone stalker. This segment was more middle of the road, feeling like a lesser episode of Tales from the Crypt (1989-1986). Helgenberger fares well, but the other performances felt weak and did little for the basic premise. However predictable, I appreciated the execution of its ending.
Ken and Jim Wheat (writers of The Fly II, Pitch Black, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4) team up to write and direct this so-so, clunky horror anthology. The writing quality varied considerably from one segment to another, dropping considerably after the opening wraparound and The Old Dark House set such admirably high standards at the start.
The segments seem unlinked until the conclusion of the Allison’s Story at the end, one of the better wraparound around stories among horror anthologies. It may not measure up to the wraparounds of Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)s or Trick ‘r Treat (2007), but few ever could. Allison’s Story closes with the best special effects of the film—a murderous stop-motion skeleton hunting the final girl through the settings of the aforementioned segments.
Thankfully, the film closes as strong as its opening!
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John’s Horror Corner: Days of Darkness (2007), a zombie movie about alien reproduction and mutant fetuses.
MY CALL: This starts out formulaic and low budget to a lame fault, then takes the subgenre in a new and gross biological direction. Only recommended to the zombie movie completists out there. MOVIES LIKE Days of Darkness: For some zombie films worth watching, go for Return of the Living Dead Part 1-3 (1985-1993), the Romero trilogy (1968-1985), the Fulci trilogy (1980-1981, 28 Days Later (2002), Shaun of the Dead (2004), The Returned (2013), Train to Busan (2016) and The Girl with All the Gifts (2016).
After a regrettably weak CGI meteor crosses our galaxy (not unlike Night of the Living Dead) and finds its way to Earth, the world is infected with zombiism. Not 12 hours into the zombie invasion and there’s a squad of “survivors” so savvy to the “zombie rules” you’d think they survived a few seasons of The Walking Dead—even though zombies only existed since last night.
Writer (in part) and director Jake Kennedy (Fangoria Blood Drive II: segment We All Fall Down) isn’t the strongest filmmaker, nor did he recruit the best actors. The performances, editing, writing, zombie make-up and characterizations of zombies were weak across the board. There’s a strong student film vibe here and, if that’s the case, then I applaud him. If not, then… well… for all its flaws I can tell he was trying. Just try not to turn it off 9 minutes into it when the porn star (Marian Tomas Griffin) gives her exposition dump of a moral high ground monologue about motherhood. Or at 11 minutes when the religious zealot gives his “this is my character” intro about the end of the world.
At first, everything we see and hear smacks hard of only the most boringly familiar territory of apocalypse and zombie tropes. However, some aspects definitely separate this from all other zombie fare. For example, the zombies develop external scrotum-like amniotic sacks (much as in The Brood) producing mutant regenerating humanoid fetuses.
Whereas the majority of the special effects were pretty disappointing, the zombie autopsy gets satisfyingly gooey as our characters learn about their apocalyptic foes. And while not necessarily impressive creature effects, it’s always fun with a mutant zombie fetus crawls up walls and leaps at one of our unwary survivors and, might I add, with zero CGI to be found in the monster effects.
Things actually take a pretty weird turn when some infected women become lusty succubus-like temptresses and “attack” victims with tentacles from their reproductive system. Yes, you read that right. Sexual tentacle attacks. It’s like a live-action sci-horror hentai for a couple scenes. Oh, and watch out for the birth scene!
It’s feisty, it tries, it does some things differently that deviates from zombie subgenre tropes… but is it worth it? Probably not really. Not unless you’re reeeeeally curious about it.
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MY CALL: This was decently entertaining, but honestly totally empty. I won’t recommend it, but I don’t regret buying it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Truth or Dare: For more weird horror “game” movies like this try Cheap Thrills (2013), Would You Rather (2012), Beyond the Gates (2016), 13 Sins (2014) and The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond (2009). Although I’d really only recommend the first two of that list… maybe just Cheap Thrills (2013).
NOTE: This review is of the UNRATED version. Although, I couldn’t tell.
Oh, thank God! Good characters! Not five minutes into this film and already I’m pleasantly surprised by the acting quality. No wooden characters blurting out one cliched self-expository proclamation after another about their troped-up jock, nerd, stoner or slutty selves. Just normal college students being normal non-catty friends. After a well-edited Mexican Spring Break vacation montage we readily assimilate to their fun nature and we’re prepared to perhaps actually care a bit about what happens to them.
After meeting a stranger at a club, they are invited for drinks at an abandoned venue to play a game of Truth or Dare. It’s playful and amusing enough, until this stranger (Landon Liboiron; Hemlock Grove, The Howling: Reborn, Altitude) reveals his intentions to pass the curse of the game onto Olivia (Lucy Hale; Scream 4) and her friends so that he may survive. Much as in It Follows (2014), our now uncursed perpetrator explains the rules of the deadly malady to its new players.
Back from vacation and back to class, they must now choose truth or dare when spectrally challenged, and do so unwaveringly, or die. At first the challenges are quite doable—even standard to the game. Show some strangers your junk; reveal something incriminating. But the truths and dares grow more dire, and so are the consequences.
Director Jeff Wadlow (Cry Wolf, Kick-Ass 2) is neither veteran nor rookie when it comes to horror, heavy-handed brutal violence or R-rated humor. The Truth or Dare demon communicates through illusions of Joker-smiling acolytes and possesses its unruly players to kill them in a sort of watered down Final Destination style. We see victims lit cruelly on fire, accidental neck breaks, eye gauges, self-inflicted gunshot wounds, and an off-screen slit throat. If that doesn’t sound very impressive, it’s because it isn’t.
The kills don’t pack much punch. Sorry. There’s nothing shocking or suspenseful about walking your roof while drinking a bottle of liquor on an infernal dare. And in a world of Saw films and a new great indie era for the genre, guns are weak sauce unless envelopes are pushed hard (more like The Purge). This film appeals to us more with its characters and the threat of death, than the actual death scenes themselves. And unfortunately, the final act takes a turn towards meaningless exposition dumps to hand-waive away a possible solution to this malady while cheapening the remaining characters. Sigh.
After our main characters’ introduction, there’s nothing particularly impressive about this film outside of its filmmakers’ proficiency and its basic ability to entertain on a low budget. It may not be Happy Death Day (2017) quality, but what Blumhouse films are? There are few of such caliber. That said, I’m not sure how a movie like this (i.e., a film reliant on random death scene scenarios) even could thrive on such a low budget without a well-thought gimmick.
But just when I thought all was squandered… stick around to the end. Maybe this can be salvaged. There’s a great closing twist!
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Welcome to MFF’s Sea Beast week! This article was originally published in 2017 but we brought it back because it’s pretty great.
Why did the control center have to be so far away!
Do you ever wonder how long it took the Merman to travel from the elevators to the control room in The Cabin in the Woods? I sure have. After doing an excessive amount of analysis (E.G. pausing to count the number of steps on a staircase) I have an answer that is based on guesswork and actual data. Much like my other posts that center around Michael Myers using his blinker, sharks scheming underwater and Leatherface running. I’ve done as much homework as possible to make an educated guess.
If you haven’t watched The Cabin in the Woods it centers around a bunch of good-looking people being killed to satiate the ancient god’s thirst for sacrifices. Helping the Gods are a bunch of office drones who make sure the killing goes off without a hitch. One of the main controllers Hadley (Bradley Whitford) is fascinated by the murderous Merman who never seems to get picked by the unwitting victims. In true horror comedy fashion, irony strikes when he is killed by the Merman when everything goes wrong.
The problem is the slow-moving creature had to crawl its way through long corridors and down some stairs to find his target. Watch this behind the scenes clip to see how slow it moves.
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After watching and rewatching various clips from the movie I’ve patched together a likely path the Merman had to take. First, let me start off by telling you that the Merman moves at a very slow pace of 41.25 feet every 60 seconds. Basically, it reaches out one of its arms and pulls itself forward very slowly. The most curious thing about the Merman is that there is no blood on its body when it finally attacks Hadley. Thus, it must’ve stayed away from the chaos and not murdered anyone because he is really clean. Here is the initial attack
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I believe the Merman was one of the first creatures to be delivered by the elevators because it didn’t have to crawl through the insane amounts of blood. It exited the elevator and made its way through roughly 264 feet of corridors on the 100 level. I came up with 264 feet when I tracked the time it took for the armed guards to reach the elevators. I clocked them doing a 15-minute mile (5280 / 15 = 352 feet a minute) and I did the math from there. They cautiously walked through the corridors for roughly 45 seconds (264 feet) and I believe their main security station was close to the staircase that the Merman had to go down. Take a look at the video to get a feel for the building.
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Once at the stairs, the Merman had to go down approximately 40 feet of steps (we need this deleted scene). Why did he have to go downstairs? In the beginning of the film, Hadley and Sitterson are walking on the 100 level to get some coffee. You can clearly see they have to go down a staircase to get to their golf cart. Also, during the attack, you will notice the creatures going downstairs to attack their prey as well. I believe the 100 level was where the elevators exited the monsters because during the unicorn attack you see a sign for room 100. I don’t think the unicorn had a chance to go down some stairs so 100 level it is!
After they make the trek downstairs the duo get into a golf cart and go to the control office. I’m wagering the trip had to be at least 300 feet to warrant taking a golf cart. Since these two guys seem bored with their job and caught in a routine I think they take the cart everywhere out of boredom. Throw in an added 20 feet to get into the large control center and the total jumps up to 320 feet.
They have a sweet setup.
The Merman had to travel 624 feet (264 + 40 + 300 + 20) in order to kill Hadley and create a whole lot of irony. Since Mr. Merman could only move 41.25 feet every minute the trip took a total of at least 15.127 minutes (+/- 30 seconds.). I initially thought the scene played out in real time but after destroying my soul with multiple brutal viewings I started really watching the video screens that showed the villains corralling various workers and killing them in Saw-esque fashion.
I am 93.456% certain that 15 minutes was the minimum amount of time needed to make the deadly trip. The Merman didn’t waste time killing anybody else and his 15-minute crawl left plenty of time for professional/mythical killers to horribly kill people via fire, chains, and gross surgery. Here is a drawing of the trip to give you a visual flavor.
There you have it! I’ve tracked the Merman’s journey!
Make sure to share this on Facebook, Twitter and other places where people will love random horror movie data!
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I love the Sharkdropper podcast and recently they had an incredibly bizarre episode that featured an interview with the crew of the Florida filmed movie Squid Lake (Listen to it now! It is glorious). It featured crying, alcohol consumption and I’m pretty certain something really bad was going to happen afterwards. However, I loved listening to the pod so I found the crew members and talked to them about Squid Lake.
The following post is an oral history of the film Squid Lake. It only screened one time at a tiny theater (which I was at) and has since become a word of mouth legend. Before I get into the post I wanted to briefly introduce you to a movie that has been burnt in my memory for years.
I remember walking out of the Conch Shell Cinema on St. Petersburg beach and seeing a poster that would change my life. The poster was a badly photoshopped picture of a lake with an ink blot in it. It was so bad I had to take a picture.
My curiosity was piqued so I stopped by the ticket counter to see what the movie was about. I talked to the manager and he told me the movie was sold out. However, if I helped promote the film he would give me a ticket. I agreed and he gave me some flyers to hand out.
“Squid Lake tells the terryifing (sic) tale of a squid attacking the denizens of a small town located next to the great lakes.”
The night of the screening was insane. The theaters third largest auditorium was sold out (200 seats) and the the following 75 minutes might have been the weirdest experience of my life. The drunk crowd went insane for the film and they clapped, fought and laughed their way through the entire film. It was a scary atmosphere and when the movie ended the raucous crowd carried out the star of the film on their shoulders and the ensuing after party ended up on the news due to several store fronts and cars being destroyed. I had never seen a reaction like that to any film and the experience opened my eyes to what bad cinema can do.
Here is the crew I was able to locate.
Steve Balsawood – Actor
Debra Winters – Production Designer
Hank Cleveland – Actor/Prop Master
Mason Jar – Beach Theater Manager
Chuck Finley – Cameraman/props/grip/electric/craft services/transportation.
Steve Balsawood – I was working at a gas station when a man walked in and loitered around the store for about an hour. When he finally walked up to the counter he told me he no money to buy the items he had in his hands, but he would give me a role in his film If I paid for them. I agreed because I had nothing better going on and he quickly added several more items to his tally.
Hank Cleveland – I remember this guy comes pulling up to the swimming pool store I worked at and he asked me if I owned a house and had a pool. It was a forward question, but I figured he was a customer looking for advice. I said “yes” and he told me I could act in his film if the production could use my house. He said he would pay me $700 at the completion of the film and that I would be a star. I had always wanted to act ,so I was pumped.
Debra – I recently graduated from online film school and was screening my thesis film about Albanian refugees at the St. Petersburg Conch Shell Cinema. The screening was a success and I was approached by a man who wanted me to design his film. I was already accepted into an internship in LA and had the summer free so I figured some set experience would be nice. He gave me $35 dollars and told me I needed to develop a squid and underwater scene. He then took $10 out of the $35 and told me to meet at the Burg laundromat on the following Thursday. He then dumped loads of free mints into his bag and walked away.
Chuck Finley – I was friends with Debra at the online film school and she asked if I could go with her to see if this movie was actually legit. I had some reservations, but I was so deep in debt from my thesis film about World War 2 ninjas I needed anything for my reel to help me get a job. Also, please stop by worldninjas.fundme.com to help me recoup my loses.
Debra – I was a little worried about bringing Chuck onto the production because he was a real loose cannon and had an almost out of control drug problem. He was a nightmare in the online classes, but he helped me edit my film. I didn’t want to go alone to meet Lenny so I figured at the very least Chuck would protect me.
Steve Balsawood – I met the crew at the laundromat and Lenny explained to us that he loved The Room and wanted to make a bad movie that would become a cult classic. He said there was no script or money, but he had a pretty good idea of what he wanted. He said we would shoot on weekends, and told me I would have to fight a squid, possibly have a love scene and deliver an Academy award winning monologue.
Debra Winger– Lenny once again took $5 out of the $25 I had left, and told me I needed a squid to be ready by the following Saturday. The $20 I had was a joke so I took some old PVC pipes and made a cone out of them. I then put a sheet over it and cut out some paper eyes and the squid was born. I knew it was shit but I had to spend the money on making the underwater scene.
The infamous squid.
Chuck Finley – I can’t really explain what Lenny looked like because I was having a lot of personal problems at the time. I do remember he said nobody would notice that we were going to use the Gulf of Mexico in lieu of a lake. I asked why we didn’t call it “Sea Squid” and he literally stared silently at me for several minutes. He broke the silence by asking me if he could use my cameras and that I could use all the footage later on for my reel. I then asked how the squid could’ve made it into the great lakes. He drew me this picture while staring at me the entire time.
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The first scene took place at Hank Cleveland’s rented house that had a swimming pool.
Steve – The first scene involved me and my girlfriend about to have sex. However, Lenny couldn’t find a woman so it was just me in a raft, in a swimming pool yelling at my girlfriend that I needed to finish my beer before I had sex.
Debra – Setting up the shot was a nightmare because Lenny wanted the camera to be directly above Steve. So, Chuck had to hang from the waterslide while Hank held his feet. I had no money for Squid appendages so I used Hank’s fun noodles that he had next to his pool. Lenny told me it had to be a surprise when I hit Steve. He wanted the reaction to be authentic.
Steve – I remember I was almost done reciting my line “Hold up broad, I’m drinking here” when I saw a fast moving noodle in the corner of my eye.
Debra – I didn’t mean to hit him in the eye, but the noodles are very unwieldy and I had only previously used them to float around in the ocean.
Chuck – The noodle hit Steve in the eye and he screamed out “Holy shit” and threw his beer bottle in the air. The beer bottle hit Hank in the face and he let go of my leg while yelling “you son of bitch!”. I slid down the slide and my camera hit Hank directly in the nose. Luckily, Debra was able to catch my belt on the way down but the camera lens cracked on Steve’s head. I was one day into the shoot and was already down $1,000.
Debra – The shot actually looks kinda cool because it was real blood gushing from Steve’s nose.
Hank – I remember Steve crawling out of the pool and running away. It pissed me off because he got a ton of blood in my house and had hit me in the face with that bottle.
Steve – I was drunk while filming the scene because of all the beer Steve bought. I’m not proud that I ran away from the house, but it just felt right.
Sidenote: The scene features zero editing and you can hear Hank in the background yelling “you son of a bitch!” I remember wondering if the blood was real. It was.
With the first week of filming completed the next scene involved Steve fighting a squid underwater. Instead of shooting underwater, Hank’s garage was used instead, This provided an interesting problem for Debra.
Steve Balsawood – The direction for the scene was that I was underwater and the squid was attacking me. Hank was still giving me crap for the beer bottle throw so I couldn’t wait to punch him in the face.
Debra – I bought $20 worth of saran wrap and hung it from the ceiling to make it look like it was underwater. I also drew, cut and pasted several fish onto the plastic wrap. It looked terrible.
The terrible props added to the charm of the film. Thank you Debra for the photos.
Steve – The set was all saran wrap but Lenny loved it. He was very excited about the bed sheet squid and gathered us around to talk about the squid fight. He told us “it needs to be primal and brutal and that Hank and I should not hesitate to throw haymakers at one another. That sounded good to me.
Debra – I gave Hank a helmet to wear under the costume because Steve had a weird look in his eye.
Hank – I tried wearing the helmet, but I couldn’t see anything under the sheet. So, I decided to not wear it.
Chuck – The fight got off to a rocky start because Hank was inside a bed sheet and could only maneuver his noodle arms like a rower in a ship.
Hank – So I’m rowing my arms trying to hit Steve and Lenny is yelling that we aren’t giving it our all. I accidentally tripped on the sheet and ended up headbutting Steve. That pissed him off so swung a haymaker at me.
Steve – My fist went clean through the sheet and knocked Hank out. He dropped to the floor and Lenny was screaming “keep fighting! Keep fighting!” So, I jumped on top of the squid and crushed the PVC pipe. I then started rolling around on the ground with Hank. I was really floundering so I started slapping Hank to wake him up.
Hank – I don’t know if you’ve ever been knocked out but it is really startling when you wake up. Steve was slapping my face and I was completely surrounded by a dirty sheet and pointy PVC pipes. I kinda went crazy and started swinging and screaming.
Chuck – I’m holding the camera in amazement as Steve and Hank are rolling around on the ground swinging and screaming at each other. Eventually, the massive amounts of saran wrap fell on them and got intertwined between them. It got to the point to where Steve couldn’t move and Hank landed about 40 unanswered hammer punches to the top of Steve’s head.
Steve – I figured the fight would be fair if I let him hit me a bunch of times.
Chuck – It got really brutal but I didn’t want to cut because I felt like they needed to resolve their issues.
Hank – I eventually calmed down and heard Lenny yell “cut!” I ripped off the sheet and saw Steve laying on the ground with a massive black eye and blood streaming from his nose. I guess I blacked out.
Debra – The tension was palpable and it was amazing. I was watching a train wreck and I thought that just maybe this movie could be bad enough to be good.
In the version I saw in the theater the fight lasts nine minutes and features two men rolling around on the ground and screaming obscenities at each other. Steve slaps an unconscious Hank for 90 seconds while taunting him. When Hank wakes up and starts screaming it becomes an animalistic battle between two men who have no idea how to fight. It is uncomfortable yet very watchable. It is never explained why there is a man inside the squid.
Debra – The following Saturday the crew (sans Steve) and I borrowed my dad’s boat and cruised around the ocean and shot about 45 minutes worth of ocean B-roll. I had no clue what the plan was but I remember Lenny saying we needed to film a moment with Steve’s character.
Chuck – Steve wasn’t there so Lenny told me to stand at the front of the boat while Debra filmed me staring at the ocean.
Hank – From what I can remember Chuck had to stand around acting like he was thinking for about ten minutes.
Chuck – It got really uncomfortable on that boat because I had to stare into the sun and think. I had just gotten off a pretty gnarly bender because I do my best drinking during the week. I was definitely dehydrated and was still feeling the effects of whatever I took the night before. The water was really choppy and I was already feeling sick, so about five minutes in I started throwing up.
Quick note: During the screening a 10 minute song sung by Lenny (?) plays over Chuck staring at the ocean (lake). The music even plays over Chuck’s vomiting which was oddly left in the final film. Also, it is never explained who this puking character is. Here are the some the lyrics that I found in my notes.
Life of the ocean
Squid on the shore
Breathing the lake air
I hope that squid won’t kill more
I don’t know where I am
Or what I wish
My legs can’t stand on water
I hope I don’t land on a fish
Sidenote: The best shot of the entire film is a nice moment involving some Dolphins swimming by the boat. I talked to Chuck and he has no recollection of ever filming this.
The big set piece of the film takes place on a boat and features Steve delivering a show stopping monologue that defeats the squid.
Steve – The big shot of the film was a two page monologue in which I never saw the two pages for. On the day, we went to a dock located on a canal and Lenny told me this was my Oscar moment. He handed me a napkin that had dialogue written on it, and told me to learn it in a half an hour. I didn’t read any of it.
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Debra – Lenny told Hank and I that we were going to be standing on either side of Steve and hit him with fun noodles while he monologues. I guess Steve making a final stand against the squid and was standing tall in the face of attack. Hank was still pretty angry at Steve and it all went downhill from there.
Chuck – Imagine this. A poor guy with obvious problems is standing there reciting an intense monologue while fun noodles are repeatedly hitting him in the nuts and face.
Hank – It wasn’t cool of me but I was still mad about the fight from the previous week. So, Instead of hitting him in the body I hit him about 50 times in the balls.
Steve – When you watch the footage you can actually see me crying. I am not acting, I am actually crying. Also, the last half of that speech I totally made up because my body went into shock.
Chuck – He was crying and driveling on about how the squid never paid him attention and how nobody respected him.
Steve – The whole process brought back some terrible memories.
Debra – When the moment was over everybody was at a loss for words. I was pretty pissed at Hank and poor Steve literally jumped into the canal and swam away.
Chuck – Lenny Loved it. If you listen closely you can hear him laughing constantly and yelling “good, good, people love this stuff!”
Sidenote: I could’ve sworn I heard him yelling this during the scene.
With the film finished Debra brought the final product to theater manager Mason Jar. Mason was the manager of the Conch Shell Cinema and was working on how to compete with the larger theater chains.
Mason – We were a tiny theater that only had three screens. We basically only stayed alive because of out midnight shows featuring Rocky Horror, The Room, Birdemic and Dirty Hofmeyer. You can take a look below and you will see the type of movies our clientele loved.
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Mason – When Debra approached me about screening the film I was very excited. I knew her from my semester at the online film school and I trusted her when she told me Squid Lake was pure gold. Anytime I get a chance to screen a terrible movie I jump all over it. I was guaranteed to sell out the theater and keep the doors open for another couple months which was good because I was also living in the theater at the same time.
Steve – Mason was making a huge deal about the screening and I was a little worried about hundreds of people watching me cry and get beat up.
Hank – I really didn’t want to go to the screening because the entire filming process was pretty miserable. However, I wanted to watch Steve get beat up on screen.
Chuck – I couldn’t wait for the screening. I actually set up a booth the day of and tried to sell my World War 2 Samurai Epic beforehand. Please visit http://www.worldninjas.fundme.com
The night of the screening was full of mixed emotions. The 75 minute film featured 40 minutes of ocean footage, a ten minute song and some of the worst cinema known to man. The rowdy crowd was like a rollercoaster of menace and laughter. He was unbeknownst to me at the time, but Chuck was working the crowd into a frenzy. The one scene that brought the house down was when actor Steve Balsawood managed to mutter his way through a five minute monologue while repeatedly being struck in the face and nuts. The scene got the audience laughing, then gasping and back to laughing.
Steve – I couldn’t believe the applause the crowd gave me after the screening. I begged for them to carry me out of the theater and they literally didn’t put me down for two hours.
Chuck – The party afterwards got out of hand. I broke my ankle jumping off of a bar roof and eventually we destroyed several store fronts and cars.
Mason – I went looking for Lenny after the show and he was nowhere to be found. He took the DVD, the DVD player and my print of Animal House and vanished.
Debra – We have no clue where he went and what he is going to do with the movie.
Steve – The filming wrecked me emotionally and physically. However, since the screening I’ve been performing a stage reenactment of the film once a month in front of sold out crowds. People have tried to recreate it on film but nothing comes close to what we filmed years ago.
In conclusion.
I have no clue what happened to Lenny and the Squid Lake footage. However, the experience of watching the film with a packed theater is one of the highlights of my young life. I’m hoping this post gets the word out and the movie finally sees the light of day. If you are out there Lenny please let the world watch Squid Lake!
Check out the Sharkdropper podcast featuring an interview with the cast and crew!
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MFF Sea Beast Week: Analyzing the Shark Punching Scene in ‘Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life’
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I’m sad to say that I totally forgot about the shark punching scene in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life (AKA Tomb Raider 2). How could I have forgotten a scene that features Lara Croft cutting her arm to attract a shark, punching the shark and then riding the defeated shark to the ocean surface? It’s an insane moment that actually happened and was played earnestly without nary a wink of irony. The following breaks down the sequence and gets into every detail that leads to a shark being punched.
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I love that somebody sat down and wrote this scene because I’ve never seen anything like it. They must’ve had a smile on their face as they typed “Lara punches a 15-foot shark in the face,” and I guarantee they were surprised when the insane moment was filmed and made it into the final cut. This is the type of cinema I love because its unapologetic and is in no way self-conscious. It is a dorky moment, played totally straight, and seems like Lara Croft had done this many times before and would probably punch another shark in the near future.
This scene isn’t the first time Lara tangled with sharks looking to eat her. She battled sharks in the video games prior to this movie (starting in Tomb Raider II), but they never went to the bonkers alternate universe that this live-action film did. It’s kinda cool how the movie plays more like a video game than the actual video games. In cinematic Tomb Raider logic, this scene makes perfect sense and its not worth scoffing at or saying this would never happen in the real world (you know who you are). The hyper-unrealism should be applauded, and despite the rest of the movie being subpar I dug how they actually filmed a scene featuring Lara defeating a shark via a face punch.
Here is how it all goes down:
- Lara is escaping a crumbling underwater temple when a bad guy destroys her vehicle. This forces her to swim a very long distance to the surface.
- Lara cuts her arm before she swims away from the sinking temple
- Lara stops swimming and allows a massive shark to circle her (she has no goggles on btw)
- The shark attacks and Lara punches it in the face
- The defeated (and possibly concussed) shark allows Lara to hitch a ride with it to the ocean surface
- The shark drops lara off and we never see it again.
- She is underwater for 66 seconds.
The biggest question I have is if the arm cut and subsequent shark fight were necessary. After watching the clip multiple times I’m pretty sure she could’ve just swam to the surface and not battled the shark. However, if she would’ve done this the world would’ve never seen Angelina Jolie punching a shark in the face. This is one of those moments where you need to embrace the insanity and appreciate how zero logic went into the decision making. Logic would’ve gotten in the way and I love how this moment essentially makes Lara Croft a superhuman who can see underwater and knows exactly where to punch a shark. The recent Tomb Raider was fun but it featured moments that embraced logic and because of that (+ the script and direction) it isn’t getting a sequel and won’t be remembered for Alicia Vikander punching a shark.
I love this moment and was excited when I starting putting together the Sea Beast Week because I knew I could write about it. I hope you enjoy this bonkers moments.
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MFF Data: Which Shark Movie Features the Fastest Shark?
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Shark Night 3D (2011), a movie about college kids being eaten by sharks, features the fastest shark ever seen on the big screen. This may seem implausible considering the larger-than-life sharks in The Meg, Deep Blue Sea and Jaws 2 got up to speeds of 30-45 MPH for extended periods of time. In the real world, great white sharks can hit speeds of 35 MPH for short bursts. However, in the fictional world of Shark Night 3D, A great white shark hits 66 miles per hour during its pursuit of Blake (Chris Zlyka), a jet ski riding college student who must’ve been surprised as us when he is eaten.
This shark is fast.
The following breaks down the jet ski moment and figures out how fast the shark had to swim to kill the unlucky college student.
Here is what I know:
- The scene takes place towards the end of the movie when Blake (Chris Zlyka) is trying to get his one-armed friend Malik (Sinqua Walls) to a hospital via a jet ski. Malik notices that a shark is gaining on them (they are going 40 MPH easily) and decides to sacrifice himself to the shark, so Blake can get away. The problem is that Blake comes back to save his friend (he doesn’t) and quickly realizes he needs to speed away to escape the bullet-shark. A chase ensues!
- The length of the chase is 102 seconds.
- The guy (Blake) is riding a 2010 Yamaha Waverunner FZS that is capable of a 68-70 MPH top speed.
- It could only have been the great white shark because the hammerhead was dead, the tiger sharks were in a cage, and the bull shark was busy in the mangroves killing another unlucky college student.
Fastest shark in cinema history.
Here are my assumptions:
A very technical look at the final seconds.
- Blake has a 20-foot head start on the shark.
- Blake’s top speed was 50 MPH on the jet ski (73.3 feet per second).
- The total distance he covered was 7,476.6 feet (in 102 seconds)
- The scene is interrupted by a moment involving the dastardly sheriff harassing more college students, but I kept counting the seconds and assumed the scene was happening in real time.
- The shark hits 0-60 MPH in 6 seconds and covers 309 feet in that time.
- The shark kept up a constant speed of 66 MPH (96.8 feet per second) for 76 seconds after hitting 60 MPH
- The shark passes Blake underwater (it only takes 12.5 seconds) and doesn’t attack because this is a movie — and that wouldn’t look cool.
- The shark traveled 7,663 feet (in 82 seconds) from the beginning of the chase until the end.
- The extra 20 seconds were used to turn around and jump out of the water. Why 20 seconds? The shark is huge, and would need the time to turn around and get ready for the perfect jump (Seriously, a perfect jump).
Look in front of you.
Conclusion:
The math based on my assumptions have the great white shark traveling at a maximum of 66 MPH for 76 seconds. This breaks every shark speed record (real and cinematic) ever and proves Shark Night 3D wasn’t messing around when it came to the abilities of its sharks. I don’t think this was the work of two sharks because the other sharks were engaged with other things and I don’t believe they were so smart they could eliminate jet skiers with teamwork. There is no exact way to know how far he traveled on the jet ski, but Its safe to assume that the shark hit at least 60 MPH during the scene which would still break every shark record known to man (and sharks)
If you liked this article make sure to check out my other stuff!
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- Analyzing the Unsuccessful Trap in Predators
- How Far Did the Shark Travel in Jaws: The Revenge?
- How Far Did the Creature From It Follows Travel?
- Zara the Assistant and Jurassic World Had a Bad Day
- A Look at Elektra’s sandbag trainer in Daredevil
- How Far Did Nic Cage Run While Dressed as a Bear In The Wicker Man Remake?
- Breaking Down The Mariner vs. Sea Beast Battle in Waterworld
- How Long Did it Take The Joker to Setup the Weapon Circle in Suicide Squad?
- Michael Myers Hates Blinkers
- Jason Voorhees Can’t Teleport?
- How Far Did the Merman Travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How Far Did Matthew McConaughey Jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface Run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How Far Did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How Did the Geologist Get Lost in Prometheus?
- People Love a Bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- How Do You Make the Perfect Kevin Smith Movie?
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How Fast Can the Fisherman Clean a Trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s Expensive to Feature Characters Being Eaten Alive and Surviving Without a Scratch
- How Long Does it Take Your Favorite Horror Movie Characters to Travel From NYC to San Francisco?
- What was the Guy’s Blood Pressure in Dawn of the Dead?
- Why Were There So Many Lemons in National Treasure?
- How Far Does The Rock Jump in the Skyscraper Poster?
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The Shallows is a perfect “shark” movie because it doesn’t take itself seriously and provides solid escapist fun. There is something comforting about a movie that simply wants to entertain and has no plans for future sequels or spin-offs. It is unpretentious and ridiculous, but is actually good and you can tell skilled filmmakers thought a lot about the simple story.
The Shallows revolves around a surfing trip gone awry in a tropical paradise. The lead character Nancy (Blake Lively) is reeling from the loss of her mother, so she takes a break from medical school and travels to a mythical surfing ground that her mother loved to surf. The beautiful and isolated area is nearly perfect until Nancy finds herself attacked by a shark. Normally, the shark wouldn’t be in the shallows but it killed a whale and is using it as an all-you-can-eat buffet as it slowly floats ashore. Luckily, it is low tide and Nancy is able to climb atop some rocks about 200 yards from shore. From there, she and a seagull deal with repeated attacks, blood-loss, high tide and stinging jellyfish.
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The Shallows is fully-aware that it is about a beautiful woman in a bikini battling a CGI shark. It is pure pulp shenanigans that happily shows enough skin and shark attacks to appease everyone. The 87-minute runtime is lean on backstory and moves confidently from one set piece to another. I loved how Nancy wasn’t some naive American in a foreign land, and I appreciated that she was able to speak just enough Spanish to make it seem like she actually cared about fitting in. A lot of credit goes to Blake Lively because she is in pretty much every frame of The Shallows and is able to pull off the physicality and act through the overly melodramatic subplot.
What makes The Shallows better than the majority of other shark movies is the villainous shark. It’s a mean motherf**ker that defies all shark-logic and simply wants to destroy and eat anything that is in its territory. I love that it plays a game of cat-and-mouse with Nancy and has no plans on hunting easier prey. The shark has tunnel vision for Nancy and its not leaving until she becomes breakfast, lunch or dinner. I respect its tenacity and I love how it becomes a straight up horror villain that only wants to search and destroy. I’d rank this shark alongside the killers in Jaws and Deep Blue Sea because it looks great and is believably intimidating.
If you are in the mood for a fun thriller that doesn’t take itself too seriously I totally recommend The Shallows. It knows what it is and doesn’t care that it features a shark that constantly changes in size. Director Jaume Collet-Serra (Non-Stop) should be proud of his work and I’m stoked to see what he does next.
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You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The MFF podcast is back and we’re talking about Luc Besson’s (The Professional, The Fifth Element, Lucy) passion project Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. We love this movie and decided to release it during our Sea Beast Week because it features some legit sea creatures who play a significant part in the movie. This $177 million epic was years in the making, and focuses on the adventures of Major Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and Sergeant Laureline (Cara Delevingne) as they attempt to save Alpha (city with a thousand planets) from the dastardly Clive Owen. Luc Besson put every cent of the $177 million budget on the screen and blessed us with hundreds of monsters, creative set pieces and Cara Delevingne sticking her head into a jellyfishes butt (thank you sea beasts). Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is an unpretentious breath of fresh air and I think it is one of the most inventive big budget movies ever made.
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As always, we answer random questions and ponder if a giant creature with impenetrable skin could survive a 7,000 foot fall. If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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MFF Sea Beast Week: Celebrating ‘Deep Blue Sea’
The movie is essentially one well-done action sequence after another. It involves all the usual situations in movies where fierce creatures chase victims through the bowels of a ship/spacecraft/building (the “Alien” movies, “Deep Rising,” etc). It’s just that it does them well. It doesn’t linger on the special effects (some of the sharks look like cartoons), but it knows how to use timing, suspense, quick movement and surprise. Especially surprise. There is a moment in this movie when something happens that is completely unexpected, and it’s over in a flash–a done deal–and the audience laughs in delight because it was so successfully surprised. In a genre where a lot of movies are retreads of the predictable, “Deep Blue Sea” keeps you guessing.
3. It is still being talked about today.
Brian Raftery of Wired wrote a beautiful article about it recently. Here is what he said.
But as deeply satisfying as *The Shallows *might be, it’s still not the greatest non-Jaws shark movie of all time. That title belongs to Deep Blue Sea, director Renny Harlin’s 1999 sci-fi/action/horror combo about an underwater research lab whose residents become hunted by a trio of genetically modified super-sharks. It’s part haunted-house tale, part undersea-slasher flick, and part big-ensemble disaster movie, full of high-velocity attacks and ceaseless, remorseless sharks. It doesn’t have the pop gravitas of Jaws, but it does have some archetypal, yet nicely rounded-out, human characters; moments of knowing comedy; and some genuinely inventive action sequences, including one of the greatest surprise deaths in modern-movie history.
4. Stellan Skarsgard’s death scene is gnarly and intricate
The guy endured a lot. Read this post and you will learn all about the journey.
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5. Sharks swim backward
What? No! Awesome! I love Deep Blue Sea.
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6. LL Cool J stabs a shark in the eye with a cross
I love how everything comes full circle (Preacher stabbing a shark in the eye with a cross).
7. It features the greatest song ever.
This is not hyperbole. LL Cool J crushed Deepest Bluest.
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8. The Sharks kill people in very creative ways
This is not a good way to go.
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9. They made the shark one foot longer than Jaws
Renny Harlin is a gangster and I love what Mental Floss taught me about Deep Blue Sea.
“The problem with approaching a shark movie,” Kennedy told the Los Angeles Times, “is how do you do it without repeating Jaws?” Kennedy said that in order to “do Spielberg one better,” Harlin made Deep Blue Sea’s makos 26 feet long. In real life, shortfin mako sharks reach 10 feet on average (although specimens as large as 12 feet have been caught), and longfin makos reach as long as 13.7 feet.
10. Renny Harlin is an action Maestro
Between The Long Kiss Goodnight, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger and Deep Blue Sea the guy is the best. I love his crazy action films.
This scene is going to be amazing.
11. Thomas Jane rode sharks
Probably the greatest shark wrangler in film history. Dude even rides the super boss shark
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12. It features the greatest kitchen fight ever
If you eat LL’s bird you are in for some trouble. Check out the greatest kitchen fight post I wrote!
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13. Stephen King loves it.
“My first trip after being smacked by a van and almost killed was to the movies (Deep Blue Sea, as a matter of fact; I went in my wheelchair and loved every minute of it).”
-Stephen King
14. Deep Blue Sea inspired pretty much every film since its release
Movies like Crash, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Jurassic World, Anchorman and Children of Men wouldn’t exist without it.
15.The animatronic sharks are actually pretty great
Forget about the CGI. The actual animatronic sharks were awesome.
The sharks look awesome!
16. The “bad guy” has a solid backstory
Dr. Susan McAlester wants to cure Alzheimer’s and doesn’t care if she kills her coworkers. She is also very industrious when in a terrible situation.
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17. News of the sequel received international attention
Everybody went crazy about the SYFY sequel even though it will be terrible. Just let Steven Spielberg direct the sequel and be done with it.
18. It is the Citizen Kane of B-Movies
I love Deep Blue Sea.
Movies, Films & Flix 