“Vs.” Movies That Need to Happen: Part 2: More Randomness.
I love random “vs.” movies. There is something about two random characters creating hypothetical chaos that I love. These movies will never happen but it shouldn’t stop you from wondering if Death from Final Destination could stop Jason Voorhees. I had a great time putting together the first post and recording the podcast so I decided to create more weird matchups.
Here they are! Enjoy!
1. Rick Deckard (Blade Runner) vs. Ava (Ex-Machina)
Movie Title: Mach 2
This should be the sequel to Ex-Machina. Imagine if Alex Garland (Sunshine, 28 Days Later, Ex-Machina) wrote the screenplay and Dennis Villeneuve (Sicario, Prisoners) directed it. Perfection!
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2. Travis Bickle (Taxi Driver) vs. Alex (A Clockwork Orange)
Movie Title: Uber Ultra-Violence
This movie would hurt everyone’s soul with depravity, but it would be amazing. These two would kill many people, hurt each other and become heroes despite themselves. The world needs this film.
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3. Aron Ralston (127 Hours) vs. Zombies (Dawn of the Dead)
Movie Title: 127 Hours Later
Imagine 127 Hours with zombies. I would love to see Ralston’s reaction to zombies lumbering towards him. How did they get so far up in the mountains?
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4. Furiosa (Mad Max: Fury Road) vs. Nick Fury (Captain America: The Winter Soldier)
Movie Title: Furiosa and Fury on the Fury Road
There is a very specific reason why I want this movie to happen. In Captain America: The Winter Soldier Nick Fury has the most durable SUV ever built. It survives like a thousand bullet rounds, several rocket launcher blasts and a few battering ram shots! I want a movie that features Fury’s SUV chasing down the War Rig!
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5. Death (Final Destination) vs. Jason Voorhees (The Friday the 13th series)
Movie Title: Friday the 13th: The Final Destination Before the Next Final Destination
I feel like Death would give up because there is no way to kill Jason. The guy is already dead and has cheated further death countless times. However, I would love to see what Death would try to kill Jason with.
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6. Danica Talos (Blade: Trinity) vs. Elmont (Jack the Giant Slayer)
Movie Title: Wax
Parker Posey is amazing, and her character in Blade: Trinity is perfection. She turned up the absurdity to 11 and never looked back. The same goes for Ewan McGregor in Jack the Giant Slayer. He soldiered on through a slog of a movie and gave the world the greatest medieval haircut ever. When these two battle nobody will be paying attention to anything other than the flawless hair on display.
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7. Bret Maverick (Maverick) vs. James Bond (Casino Royale) vs. Nicky Santoro (Casino) vs. The Cincinnati Kid (The Cincinnati Kid) vs. Teddy KGB (Rounders) vs. Henry Gondorff (The Sting) vs. Doc Holliday (Tombstone)
Movie Title: Six Kings
Is is possible for six people to have six straight flushes in one hand? That would happen in Six Kings.
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8. Leon (The Professional) vs. John Wick (John Wick) vs. Alejandro (Sicario)
Movie Title: Ouch
I can’t imagine how this movie would end and that is why I love it. These three killers are incredibly badass, and I wouldn’t want any of them to lose. My hope is after they shoot at each other for 30-minutes they are forced to prevent world annihilation by a dumb CGI creature. I would put my money on Leon, Wick and Alejandro defeating Thanos, Doomsday and Ronan the Accuser.
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9. Nada & Frank (They Live) vs. David Levinson & Steven Hiller (Independence Day)
Movie Title: Independence Day Lives
Both of these duos have defeated aliens and punched things so this movie makes sense. I would love to see a seven-minute fight scene involving Jeff Goldblum battling Rowdy Roddy Piper. The set-up would involve Nada and Frank attempting to convince David and Steven to wear some glasses. The idea isn’t original, but that doesn’t matter nowadays.
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10. Peter Vincent (Fright Night 2011) & Buffy (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) & Abraham Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer) vs. Peter Loew (Vampire’s Kiss) & Severen (Near Dark) & Max Shrek (Shadow of the Vampire)
Movie Title: Fight Night
Imagine these six characters on-screen together. My brain would with explode with glee. How cool would it be to see Bill Paxton kicking Abraham Lincoln in the face, while Buffy deals with Nic Cage’s overacting? We would finally get a insane and fun “vs.” movie that couldn’t take itself too seriously.
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John’s Horror Corner: Cherry Tree (2015), a bad but watchable witch movie featuring cool effects and perhaps too many centipedes.
MY CALL: A low-budget Irish witch movie boasting some cool ideas and neat low-budget practical effects, but cursed with major plot holes and terrible, terrible writing (and direction, I suppose). Definitely not unwatchable, I’d consider it a laughably bad movie with a few moderately redeeming features. MOVIES LIKE Cherry Tree: Some other Irish horror movies include Rawhead Rex (1986; pretty bad but watchable), Leprechaun Origins (2014; horrible), Leprechaun 2 (1994; decent), Leprechaun (1993; campy but excellent), Grabbers (2012; AMAZING) and The Hallow (2015; EXCELLENT). Also check out Holidays (2016), which features an Irish short story (Mother’s Day).
MORE WITCH MOVIES: For better witch movies I’ll suggest Warlock (1989), The Witch (2016), The Witches of Eastwick (1987), The Craft (1996) and The Witches (1990), the campy The Kiss (1988) and Spellbinder (1988) are entertaining but bad, the dark noir Lord of Illusions (1995), and Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) and The Blair Witch Project (1999) were cool considering you never see a witch. And check out Pumpkinhead (1988) for a great depiction of a witch, though it’s not a “witch movie.” Definitely skip Witchcraft (1989). Lords of Salem (2013) and Mother of Tears (2007) deal with witches in different ways and Snow White and the Huntsman (2012), The Last Witch Hunter (2015) and Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) offer action and effects-driven fun. Beautiful Creatures (2013) and The Woods (2006) may appeal to younger audiences. Superstition (1982) and The Haunting of Morella (1990) are allegedly witch movies but don’t feel like it. Deadtime Stories (1986) features a pretty cool witch short story.
I had been looking forward to this Irish witch movie despite the scathing reviews (discussed here). That said, I’m glad I watched it…but it wasn’t exactly good.
Witches had occupied the town of Orchard since the Middle Ages, their coven constantly seeking a woman to bear the son of Satan so that they may gain untold power. After dispatching of the coven, folk tales suggested that the spirits of these witches were linked to an old cherry tree, and through that tree they could return.
A virgin high school field hockey player at odds with her teammates, Faith (Naomi Battrick) would do anything to save terminally ill father (Sam Hazeldine; The Raven, The Wolfman). And she is approached by her new field hockey coach to do just that. Sissy (Anna Walton; Hellboy II: The Golden Army) readily explains that she has access to magical powers that could cure Faith’s father and demonstrates such proficiency by killing and resurrecting a chicken with what I can only describe as “centipede magic.”
Building up to this, whatever the filmmakers were trying to do in order to drum up dramatic tension–school bullies, her father’s health, ill-temperament–it isn’t working for me. And when Coach Sissy takes Faith to her home, a manor of wealth far beyond a high school hockey coach, it’s creepy and viney and has stairs descending to untold depths below ground level leading to her ritual basement where she asks “do you believe in magic?” She goes so far as to explain that their “Lord” would reward them with dark power for their devotion. Why Faith didn’t just freak out at this lunacy or call the police is quite the curiosity. I don’t care how sick her father is. Who would believe this crap in the era of the internet and cable TV!?!?!
The price for magically saving her father: a child. Let’s just say the sex scene that consummates this prerequisite is interesting, demonic and, of course, includes a centipede or two.
The direction is uninspired, featuring amateur shots with occasionally nice cinematography that was not at all complimented by the set designers’ attempts to create a witches den. It strikes me more like a well-designed basement-turned-house of horrors on Halloween.
The centipedes, of course, offer some level of creep factor but otherwise really don’t “fit” in the scenes and their sound effects are exaggerated over-the-top. Not that I don’t like seeing centipedes on the walls, biting people with unrealistic power, and crawling into wounds and bodily orifices and under flesh. It’s just more “neat” than “good.” Why are these centipedes even here!?!?! There is also a lot of cherry imagery (which has me pondering connections to The Witches of Eastwick), some kind of twig and slimy web cocoon (that makes no sense and is no more explained than the centipedes), and a gross birth scene.
So is it just me? Or does her head look strikingly similar to the centipede’s hind legs clutching the cherry on the poster art?
This film is shameless with its tropes, depicting a shower scene of high school girls complete with nudity, along with subsequent nudity during a ritual, a demonic sex scene, and yet another breasty ritual scene. That said, Anna Walton–who accounts for two of those scenes–is a visual delight.
Director David Keating (Wake Wood) has produced a melee of ideas that find no sense of synthesis. It strikes me that a very serious effort was made to make a good film, but the story falls apart at almost every turn with plot holes. Faith disappeared from school for three weeks, her friend who saw her weeks later wasn’t very disturbed by Faith’s full-term pregnancy, why the Hell didn’t the witches have her locked up in the final hour before the birth of the Devil’s son (Faith just sneaks out the front door), and why would Sissy explain the details of her ritual so that Faith would know exactly how to stop it! Just painfully bad writing.
And why would they lock her in a car, light it on fire, then leave??? That’s like when Dr. Evil closes the doors on Austin Powers tied up over the shark tank!
Not that this film is by any means unwatchable–it’s entertaining enough–but if there was a reason for me to actually recommend this film it would probably be for some of the practical effects in the final act or, simply put, Anna Walton’s boobs. We find an interesting transformation scene complete with peeling off bloody chunks of flesh revealing a new creepy form beneath that pretty cool but doesn’t show us nearly as much as we’d like to see. However some effects fall on the laughably cheap side of things.
Overall, I’d say these filmmakers failed at making a good witch movie. But they succeeded at showing me a lot of cool ideas, stretching a budget efficiently and showing a few decent effects along the way, although paved with horrible storytelling and idiotic oversights by our villains.
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The MFF podcast is back, and we are ranking the Marvel Cinematic Universe villains! In honor of the upcoming release of Captain America: Civil War, we (Las, Leavengood and I) ranked the villains (1-23), then combined our lists and averaged them out. The following pod discusses the highs and lows of the rarely marvelous villains.
Life Advice: Never be a villain in a world loaded with superheroes.
Here are some things you can look forward to:
- Could John Malkovich defeat Galactus?
- Does The Mandarin like cheesy appetizers?
- Does Thanos ever stand up?
As always, we answer random questions, and ponder if Mickey Rourke’s character in Iron Man 2 dyed his own hair. Sit back, relax and listen to a whole lot of randomness!
You can stream the pod on Blog Talk Radio or download it from Itunes. If you get a chance please rate the review the pod. You are awesome!
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The Big Short (2015), explaining the real estate market crash with the best filmmaking of 2015!
MY CALL: Even without discretely defined villains, torrid love affairs, explosions reflecting on sweaty biceps or monsters fighting robots, there are films whose very unfolding provokes powerful reactions of sentiment, self-reflection and moral justice within us. The Big Short is one of those films! If not the best film of the year, I’d posit this to be the best filmmaking of the year. Don’t miss this. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Big Short: Recount (2008), Margin Call (2011), Too Big to Fail (2011), Game Change (2012), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The News Room (2012-2014), Freakonomics (2010) and Moneyball (2011).
The Big Short is an edgy, contemporary film utilizing comically informative fourth-wall-breaking asides and surprise cameos by celebrities explaining economic concepts in layman’s terms. This is basically the Deadpool (2016) of exposé-style financial movies, so let’s try not to miss this one!
As the story unfolds and we delve deep into the investment banking world, we cut to interjections like “and now here’s Margot Robbie drinking champagne in a bathtub” and she (Margot Robbie; Suicide Squad, The Wolf of Wall Street), as herself, explains the terminology and investment strategy in question. There are other surprise celebrity cameos and I’ll dare not spoil any more for you…just know that they add something very special to this already exceptional film and keep it from being anything but boring. Actually, I found it wildly entertaining!
The cast does an amazing job delivering a topic formally most interesting to Forbes-minded, Wall Street Journal-subscribing middle-aged investment bankers. The script is stylishly packaged to appeal to young filmmakers, mainstream movie fans and those who delight in raunchy comedies alike. This may sound unrealistic, but my father and I both loved it. He (a doctor) watches almost nothing but business news in his spare time and I (an entomologist) usually stick to horror and martial arts flicks. This should say something about the compelling appeal about this film. And it’s something exceptional.
Assuming the narrative disclosure’s honesty, the film even delights in pointing out that “yes, that [real life event] really happened” or “well, actually that’s not how it happened.” I found this style most charming. It reminded me of when I nearly pissed myself laughing watching Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson grilling hands in Pain and Gain (2013)–which, according to the movie, was “still a true story” at that point.
The cast finds Marisa Tomei, Steve Carell and Ryan Gosling reuniting from Crazy, Stupid Love (2011). Ryan Gosling (Drive, Only God Forgives) effortlessly slips into the sleek role of Jared Vennett, a character that embraces Gosling’s smooth talking yet jerky charisma while successfully suppressing his Hollywood pervasiveness as a sex symbol.
Meanwhile, just one nervous tick away from full-blown Asperger’s we find Christian Bale (The Dark Knight Rises), who likewise sheds his sex appeal and dominates our attention as the medical doctor-turned-prodigy investor Michael Berryman. We watch as he struggles to wrestle his ill-explained yet thoughtful insights to his hedge fund-managing employers that “just don’t get it.” Not only do they not understand why he would bet against the American mortgage industry (i.e., invest in “shorting” mortgages, hence the title), they actually think he’s gone insane and so does the remainder of the investing world. The data is there, but nobody is looking at it. So they all blindly follow, chant and worship the golden mortgage idol, “the bedrock of the American economy” during the NINJA (i.e., no income, no job, approved) subprime loan era that inflated the bubble whose burst was heard round the world.
Carell and his investment team are somehow likable (to the audience) as a group of otherwise easily dislikable analysts. They serve as our investigators, skeptics-turned-believers in the crusade to expose the great lie beneath. Whereas Bale is the brilliant and somewhat self-interested prodigy seeking to profit from the realized pending bubble, Carell’s team represents our protagonists. Bale is the laughing stock Victor Frankenstein to Carell’s fanatical and oft-doubted Van Helsing.
More closely reminiscent of a misunderstood movie physicist, Bale doesn’t wish to share his insights. Meanwhile Carell is more the whistleblower, the high proselytizer of the truth to Bale’s ill-understood Frankensteinian invention of shorting the real estate market. Carell is a classically guilt-tortured character who channels his energy into making The Big Short into his personal crusade. His mission of discovery reveals only horrors: exotic dancers with five houses, loan officers who brag about submitting mortgage applications for clients with neither jobs nor FICO scores (i.e., NINJA loans), alarming payment delinquency in nice neighborhoods and, worst of all, bogus financial ratings.
From sleek to geek.
As if taking a trip to financial Oz, Bale is the brain, Carell the heart, and Gosling the pretty face from Kansas, but it’s Brad Pitt (Killing Them Softly, World War Z) who breathes harrowing soul into the film. Regardless of the financial or moral incentive, Carell and Bale are most concerned with “being right” and proving it to others. Pitt, however, has no horse in this race and illustrates the terrible reality of what it means to regular, average, tax-paying Americans if all this turns out to be true–and the audience FEELS it because we’ve, in fact, lived through it! But so easily do we forget our hardships long after they’ve passed. This film does a Hell of a job reminding us, even touching those who were not so harmfully left in the wake 10 years ago in the crash.
Director Adam McKay (Stepbrothers, Anchorman 2, The Other Guys), known for his immature manchild R-rated humor flicks, stitches together varying and familiar filming styles into this contemporary masterpiece that is sure to please. I was quite impressed and honestly never wanted this movie to end. The powerful emotional response I felt was tremendous. I was reminded of my reactions to such films as The Adjustment Bureau (2011), Rush (2013), Castaway (2000) and A River Runs Through It (1992).
Among Ex-Machina (2015) and Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), The Big Short was among the best films of the year! Maybe tied for my favorite of the year, and not a single CGI alien or machine gun to be found!
Even without discretely defined villains, torrid love affairs, brilliant orange explosions reflecting on glistening sweaty inflated biceps or giant CGI monsters fighting giant CGI robots, there are films whose very unfolding provokes powerful reactions of sentiment, self-reflection and moral justice within us. The Big Short is one of those films! If not the best film of the year, I’d posit this to be the best filmmaking of the year and among five Academy Award nominations it won for Best Adapted Screenplay. Don’t miss this!
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Goosebumps: A Breezy Film That is Loads of Fun
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Goosebumps is a fun film that features loads of imagination and a likable cast. It is a breath of fresh air that moves quickly towards an enjoyable conclusion. It takes all 62 Goosebump books that R.L. Stine wrote from 1992 to 1997 and packs them into one enjoyable romp. The result is a surprisingly coherent film that has a firm sense of identity (fun) and features rampaging monsters and garden gnomes. If you are looking for a Goosebumps nostalgia trip you might be disappointed, but I recommend you keep an open mind and embrace the CGI Yeti mayhem.
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Goosebumps tells the age-old story of what happens when literary monsters are freed from their books. Author R.L. Stine (Jack Black) discovered early on that his imagination was a blessing and a curse when it came to his books. When he wrote his manuscripts on a certain typewriter the monsters became real and needed to be under lock and key. So, in order to protect his books, the cranky Stine secludes himself and his teenage daughter Hannah (Odeya Rush) so that nobody can accidentally open the books and cause a monster mash.
Stine’s worst nightmare is realized when a teenage boy and his mom move in next door. Zach (Dylan Minnette) and his mom Gale (a great Amy Ryan) move to town because she got a job as a vice-principal at the local high school. They are likable duo who have a refreshing relationship because they actually like each other. Zach eventually meets Hannah in a backyard meet cute and is scared away by the overbearing Stine. However, Stine’s scare tactics only make Zach more curious about the goings-on at the ominous house next door.
On the night of the big school dance, Zach and his new friend Champ (Ryan Lee) hear yelling at Stine’s house. They investigate and accidentally open up the The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena manuscript. The large yeti gets loose and eventually all the other manuscripts are opened. This forces our heroes to spend a long night chasing down the monsters to get them back in their books before they hurt the townsfolk
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Goosebumps play like the Night at the Museum films met an Amblin movie (Goonies, Gremlins) and spawned a roller coaster. Once the monsters are freed the movie never lets up and moves fluidly from set piece to set piece. I enjoyed spotting all the different monsters, and appreciated the mixture of practical effects and CGI. None of them are totally threatening because of the PG rating, but they still provide some fun moments. It never gets old watching murderous lawn gnomes attacking likable characters.
The performances are all solid and the three teenagers have great chemistry. You cheer for them as they are attacked by werewolves, blobs and zombies. Amidst all the mayhem there are neat character moments and everybody in the cast gets a moment to shine. My favorite moment involves a cheeky moment between Stine and the cowardly Champ. The two are being chased by ghouls and Stine gets stuck in a gate door. Here is how it plays out:
Stine: Save yourselves! Go on without me!
Champ: Okay! Good luck!
Stine: I didn’t mean it, Champion! He left me! What kind of monster takes you up on that offer?
I’m amazed that after Gulliver’s Travels director Rob Letterman was able to bounce back so successfully. I was worried about the film but Letterman proved me wrong and managed to make everything roll along nicely. He balances the characters and action well and got solid performances out of his actors. I appreciate that created a neat movie where teenagers actually get themselves involved in adventures, and I hope the younger crowds appreciate it.
Goosebumps is totally worth your time because it is breezy, fun and rewatchable. I hope it has a long life on cable and I wouldn’t mind watching a sequel.
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MY CALL: If you want grim reapers, satanic cults, unlucky hitchhikers, devil worship, the worst leg injury ABSOLUTELY EVER, amateur surgery, home invasions, demons and trips to Hell and back, then this is for you. Not all the short films hit home runs but the few great moments make it worth the gory price of admission. Overall, this is a pretty good anthology. MOVIES LIKE Southbound: This movie most closely matches the stylings of Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), A Christmas Horror Story (2015) and Trick ‘r Treat (2007).
OTHER HORROR ANTHOLOGIES: Dead of Night (1945), Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), The Uncanny (1977), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Deadtime Stories (1986), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Creepshow 3 (2006), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013), V/H/S 2 (2013), The Profane Exhibit (2013), The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), V/H/S Viral (2014) and A Christmas Horror Story (2015).
If you’ve followed my reviews for a while now then you ought to know that I love horror anthologies. Typically either all of the short stories are directed by one man and written by another (e.g., Creepshow), or each short story has a different writer and director (e.g., V/H/S). However, this anthology features five stories with six writers and six directors: the trio of Radio Silence (V/H/S segment 10/31/98), Patrick Horvath (The Pact II), David Bruckner (V/H/S segment Amateur Night) and Roxanne Benjamin (V/H/S, V/H/S 2, V/H/S Viral).
Unlike many anthologies which feature a story teller or wraparound story (e.g., Creepshow, Tales from the Darkside: The Movie), this takes the approach of linked stories in which one component of the previous story links us to the next (much as in Trick ‘r Treat)–although it does loop us back to the opening story.
The Way In. The opening finds two men driving southbound on a desert highway. Covered in blood, trapped in some sort of timeloop and followed by several black flying angels of death, they have clearly done something very bad. This was a really sleek and cool short. The special effects and CGI are impressive. At one point a very cool looking grim reaper reaches down a guy’s throat tearing his mouth and jaw into a macabre gaping mess.
Siren. The next morning three girls in the same area hit the road only to get the cliché flat tire. But fret not–they’re offered a ride, dinner and a place to say with a weird couple having a dinner party that evening with their equally weird neighbors and their even weirder twin sons. When they say grace let’s just say it sounded like they weren’t thanking our Heavenly Father. Outside of some vomit and a lot of tongue-in-cheek social awkwardness, this short was relatively uneventful. Somewhat interesting, but somewhat boring as well.
The Accident. One of the girls (Fabianne Therese; Starry Eyes) from Siren escapes the satanic ritual and is brutally, gorily and hilariously hit by a car, the driver of which now endures a most stressful and unhelpful 911 call trying to help her–it’s both soul-crushing and hilarious. Her legs are bent all over the place, she’s convulsing…I was shocked the guy didn’t panic and run. He takes her to what seems to be a recently abandoned town and into an empty hospital where he is advised by some surgeon (over the phone who knows far too much about the situation) to set her broken leg, intubate her, make an incision under her ribs to insert his hand inside her thorax to compress her lung! This is BRUTAL. First off, I never thought a broken leg scene in a horror movie could make me reel, wince, yell at the screen and uncomfortably laugh more than Insidious Chapter 3 (2015). But this movie wins–again folks, I was yelling at the screen LOL. It’s so gleefully macabre and awful and wonderful as we hear the bloody tissue twist and slice and see the victim’s face as she, fully awake, endures all this. HOLY SHIT this short was amazing!
Compounding all this is that after he fails to save her, he is somehow trapped in the abandoned hospital! This short alone is worth watching this movie.
Jailbreak, the fourth short, strangely deviates from the more distinctly linked second and third as a man battles demons in a gory bar fight in search of his sister, who evidently has been in Hell for a long time. The special effects range from marginal to decent with some gooey splatters, but the story was completely uncompelling. I felt no satisfaction by the ending other than the relief that we were moving on to the work of other filmmakers.
The Way Out feels a lot like the home invasion from You’re Next (2013). It’s a little scary, moderately creepy, and packs some good shock value as a tough girl stands up to defend her family from a group of murderous masked home intruders. But what makes this final short interesting is that it links back all the way to the The Way In, which felt like the beginning of our timeline as we watched. Some of the “gates to Hell” CGI were a little cheesy, but they depicted some cool infernal imagery nonetheless.
I thought The Way In was nifty, especially how it linked to The Way Out, and that The Accident alone was worth the price of admission. Sure, not all the shorts were awesome. But therein lies the luxury of anthology films; it takes about ten minutes to figure out you don’t like a particular short, and by then you only have about ten more minutes until it’s over and you’re on to the next. And because each short has a different writer and director, you can rest assured that it will have a completely different style.
This was entertaining and at times pretty clever. The big take home message for me to sell you on this though would have to be the injuries of the girl in The Accident. WORST BROKEN LEG EVERRRRRR! Mercy! Overall, this is a pretty good anthology.
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John’s Horror Corner: Warlock (1989), a great witch movie using the Terminator playbook.
MY CALL: This film is far better than horror fans today realize and sadly I fear it is overlooked when people delve into 80s and 90s horror to round their horror film educations. If you’re in the market for a good “witch movie” or simply a great horror movie choice in general, this is it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Warlock: Other favorable witch movies include the contemporary The Craft (1996) and The Witches (1990), the campy The Kiss (1988) and Spellbinder (1988), the dark noir Lord of Illusions (1995), and then The Witch (2016), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), The Blair Witch Project (1999). And check out Pumpkinhead (1988) for a great depiction of a witch.
I had long been yearning for a good witch movie after seeing The Witch (2016), which was successful as a movie “involving” a witch but didn’t at all feel “about” the witch. So it had me yearning for a good movie that “focused on” the witch. And this movie is an excellent choice for that!
After a lengthy atmospheric introduction to 17th century Massachusetts, we meet our Warlock (Julian sands; Tale of a Vampire, Arachnophobia). For his actions in league with the Devil he is sentenced to death or, put much more specifically by his accusers: “You are to be hanged, and then burned over a basket of living cats.”
A hellstorm arrives which by the Devil transports the Warlock through time, three centuries into the future to 1988 so that he may collect and assemble the three parts of the greatest spellbook the Grand Grimoire, the dark Bible. He is followed through time by the witch hunter Redferne (Richard E. Grant; Bram Stoker’s Dracula) to the home of Kassandra (Lori Singer) and her roommate.
Much as with the pansexual nature of vampirism, our Warlock homoerotically kisses and bites the tongue from a gay man and spits it into a frying pan after cutting off his finger and procuring his fanciful ring. Not only a tongue and a finger, but he goes on to remove the eyes of a spiritualist (Mary Woronov; House of the Devil, Chopping Mall) which look (despite being disembodied) where he must go.
But his spellcraft advances with the story and he eventually casts a spell cursing Kassandra to age 20 years every day–a fate worse than death to a once stunning twenty-something.
Our witch hunter Redferne is similar to a lower budget, smaller muscled, less suave The Last Witch Hunter (2016). He uses arcane tricks to track the Warlock–like his witch compass using the Warlock’s blood, nails in foot prints to cripple him, and recognizing bewitching signs such as cream that sours overnight and bread that doesn’t rise to detect his presence. As Redferne traveled through time to “the present” in tow of the Warlock, their dynamic is much as The Terminator‘s (1984) Kyle Reese and Sarah Conner to the T-800, with an ordinary but brave man aiding a diner waitress trying to prevent the end of humanity from a supernatural opponent against overwhelming odds.
Director Steve Miner (Lake Placid, Halloween H20, House, Friday the 13th Parts 2-3) already had some horror experience, but I think he outdid himself here. I was pleased with the story from start to finish (a stunning rarity in horror especially back then), the acting was solid (but not wowing), the nuance and discovery of mysticism was developed well, and the special effects were really quite good for their time with the ectoplasmic magical energy not at all looking hokey (although the flying was a bit silly by today’s standards) and a nice gory finale! I was especially pleased with the ending, had a dash of acceptable warm-fuzzy feelings and a bit of clever tongue-in-cheek humor.
This film is far better than horror fans today realize and sadly I fear it is overlooked when people delve into 80s and 90s horror to round their film educations. Let’s correct this. Buy it, see it, and celebrate the Warlock!
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In honor of the rise and fall of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice I put together some glorious “vs.” movies that will amaze and confuse everybody. These films would be impossible/impractical to film but that doesn’t stop them from being awesome. If made, they will revolutionize the boundaries of cinema (new CGI will have to be invented) and help the world understand that anything is possible.
If you enjoyed this piece make sure to listen to the MFF “vs.” podcast where we talk about more random fights. If you can think of any other “vs.” movies let me know in the comments. Enjoy!
1. Pizza the Hut (Spaceballs) vs. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (You know the movie)
Movie Title: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: A Massive Moral Quandary
Would the turtles eat Pizza the Hut? It would get really weird.
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2. Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) vs. Superman (Superman Returns)
Movie Title: Lamb of Steel or Man of Veal – Embrace the pun
Lecter would be a perfect Superman villain because he is super rich, crazy brilliant and would definitely want to eat an alien. I like Henry Cavill as Superman, but he is too conflicted. I’d rather see Brandon Routh’s nice Superman being hunted by Lecter. The movie would get super dark, but if you’ve watched the Hannibal movies/television show you will love it.
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3. Greedo (Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope) vs. Swordsmen (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Move title: Retribution
Both Greedo and the Swordsmen were dispatched quickly by Harrison Ford. This film will finally allow these two highly trained killers a chance to showcase their skills.
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4. Rita Vrataski (Edge of Tomorrow) vs. Phil (Groundhog Day)
Movie Title: Six Weeks of Winter
Imagine a movie where these two are actually trying to kill each other. It would be amazing! The crazy montages of incredible Bill Murray machine gun carnage would make the world implode. Also, Emily Blunt was awesome in Edge of Tomorrow and this time she can have more fun and do less yoga.
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5. The Black Knight (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) vs. Frank Vitzchard (Anchorman) vs. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith)
Movie Title: Gone With the Limb
Imagine how many limbs would be chopped off! Appendages will be flying everywhere.
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6. Leonard (Memento) vs. Lucy Whitmore (50 First Dates)
Movie Title: Who vs. Who?
I want to this be a Kramer vs. Kramer type film where the two leads remember nothing from the prior day. The Lawyers would bleed them dry!
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7. Black Dynamite (Black Dynamite) vs. Han (Enter the Dragon)
Movie Title: Enter the Black Dynamite
The world needs more Black Dynamite! Nothing could be better than him entering a mysterious tournament and battling the nefarious Han. Perfect film! An added bonus is Dynamite would receive some really cool strategically placed scars. I hope Han doesn’t interrupt him when he is doing his Kung Fu.
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8. Nash (Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li) vs. Nash (Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li)
Movie Title: Street Fighters
Nash is my favorite bad movie character ever. Chris Klein was on another level in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, and the worlds needs two of him battling.
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9. Quint (Jaws) vs. The Deep Blue Sea Shark (Deep Blue Sea)
Movie Title: A Bigger Boat
Imagine if Jaws was more like Deep Blue Sea, and Deep Blue Sea was more like Jaws. I don’t know what that means but it would be awesome.
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10. Death (The Seventh Seal) vs. Sam (Fresh)
Movie Title: The Checkmate is in the Mail
Samuel L. Jackson is the best. I would love to see him playing chess with Death while dispensing some great life lessons. The winner gets to play Chewbacca in that cool holographic game in Star Wars: Episode 4 – A New Hope.
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Stay tuned for Part 2 soon! If you can think of some “vs.” movies you’d like to see, comment below!
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MY CALL: A well-respected director brought together a sizable ensemble cast rich with horror experience; this should have worked but it crashed and burned. It seemed to have all of the building blocks of success, but once you hit “play” you’ll find no foundation was built. I wanted so badly to like this. My recommendation is that you don’t even watch this out of respect for Shimizu or any of the cast you may like. It’s not worth it. MOVIES LIKE Flight 7500: Altitude (2010) and The Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983) both involve horror at high altitudes…and even Altitude (2010) was better than this. To see something to redeem director Takashi Shimizu go for The Grudge (2004, remake or original or sequels) or any other Ju-On movies.
Note that both of these posters say 2012.
The movie is listed as 2014 on IMDB.
But we all waited until 2016 to be able to see it!
This is never a good sign.
Flight 7500 departs Los Angeles for Tokyo and as the overnight flight makes its course the passengers encounter some sort of evil supernatural force. Given the director, my guess would be a “Grudge ghost.”
Definitely an abnormal amount on in-flight Grudge mist.
Our lineup of victims are moderately humanized and somewhat likable, but perhaps mostly because we recognize them from other HBO and horror favorites. There is a couple (Ryan Kwanten; True Blood, Dead Silence, and Amy Smart; Mirrors, Seventh Moon, Strangeland) embarking on a non-refundable couples trip with their friends who do not yet know they’re getting a divorce, a mellow young man (Jerry Ferrara; Entourage, Battleship) and his recently wed bridezilla (Scout Taylor-Compton; Halloween, Wicked Little Things, April Fool’s Day) who is not fond of their goth and fatalistic row-mate (Nicky Whelan; Halloween II), and a flirty scheister seated beside an unimpressed young lady (Christian Serratos; The Walking Dead). Meanwhile the flight attendants (Leslie Bibb; Trick ‘r Treat, The Skulls, and Jamie Chung; Sorority Row, The Man with the Iron Fists) gossip about the passengers and their love lives, one of which is involved with the adulterous pilot (Johnathon Schaech; Quarantine, Prom Night). Essentially, everyone is either lying about something, angry about something, or in denial suppressing something.
Among the passengers is a man with an old wooden box of which he’s suspiciously protective. I’d be a bit clingy to my carry-on, too, if it had an evil Japanese spirit in it (or so I’m assuming that of the contents). Shortly after takeoff he dies from a most violently protracted seizure. By the end of the movie you will find no link to this completely unnatural seizure and any of the other events that shall transpire.
Sketchiest looking guy on the plane…
Inexplicably dramatic death…
With a dead body on board people are harrowed, some even curious, but most reflecting on their lives having recently faced death. It disappoints me to say that as some strange things start happening on the plane, I found more satisfaction from the development of the characters’ relationships and self-discovery (not that there’s anything special going on) than I did the horror story itself. The formula is simple: 1) someone thinks she sees something, and 2) two passengers find connections when first they saw adversity. The dead body creepily moves, and a troubled couple reflect on their poor decisions. There’s a lot of this interplay between interpersonal moments and failed attempts at scary happenings. Speaking of failed attempts, a woman encounters a ghost emerging from the mist of the tiny airplane bathroom floor while taking a pregnancy test. Needlessly weird!
I really love Amy Smart and Ryan Kwanten.
It’s such a shame they’re in this movie…for them. SMH
Here they find some clues that really end up not mattering at all.
As the story stumbles into some state of development we learn of evil spirits of Japanese mythology that “won’t let go” and thus do not move on to the afterlife. Apparently that’s what’s happening here. There’s also a weird twitchy “death doll” that doesn’t seem to fit into all this at all. And don’t worry, by the end of the movie you’ll see the doll meant very little.
The passengers were just asking for trouble.
Dude steals the dead guy’s watch after his suspiciously violent death.
Then they open the creepy box after picking the lock! It was LOCKED!
Why not just read from a book inked in blood and bound in human flesh!?!?!?!
The special effects are minimal, not in a “minimalist” way but in a really disappointing way. Some CGI mist, spectral reflections, and reaching hands. That’s it. Our victims deaths go something like this…they hear something, a door or lid or suitcase opens, an out-of-focus figure or a hand emerges, the victim screams or whimpers, aaaaand cut scene.
She investigates when she hears something…
Something is opened (a suitcase this time)…
Once again – She investigates when she hears something…
Ovrehead storage opens on its own…
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
We see no monster or ghost nor do we see an attack or a gruesome outcome–not even a horrific body. Of whatever budget there was to hire the cast and create a huge variety of poster art (of the course of 3-4 years of release delays), it seems that hardly a dollar was spared to bring our monster to the screen. As such, I now see why it took years to finally get this movie released.
Here the cast looks as bewildered as I was while watching this.
Why did that guy with the box die?
Why was the box locked?
Why did the doll matter?
Why did the box matter?
Where’s the damned ghost?
Why did we have to wait 4 years to see this???
I don’t know what went wrong. The well-respected director Takashi Shimizu (The Grudge 1-2, Ju-On 1-2) and writer Craig Rosenberg (The Uninvited, The Quiet Ones) brought together a sizable ensemble cast rich with horror experience. This should have worked. It seemed to have all of the building blocks of success, but once you hit “play” you’ll find no foundation was built.
Evidently all the posters were meant to distract us.
Very sad. I wanted so badly to like this–especially since I’ve been waiting for YEARS to see ths. My recommendation is that you don’t even watch this out of respect for Shimizu or any of the cast you may like. It’s not worth it. Not even a little.
Here’s one for a 2013 release.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Hallow (2015), a creature feature cautionary tale of baby-stealing, slimy Irish fairy folk.
One of many posters that do NOT hint at the true nature of this film.
Speaking of which, there are some SPOILERS in this review.
You will be warned of SPOILERS so you may avoid them.
MY CALL: This evil monstrous Irish fairy movie came out of nowhere and really impressed me. It’s not especially original, but it boasts fine execution, quality squishy slimy special effects and smart cautious protagonists…just watch it. MOVIES LIKE The Hallow: Unfortunately it would spoil this movie to explain what movies are similar. As such, similar movies are referenced in the SPOILER BOX. But some other Irish horror movies include Leprechaun Origins (2014; horrible), Leprechaun 2 (1994; decent), Leprechaun (1993; campy but excellent), Grabbers (2012; AMAZING) and Cherry Tree (2015; terrible reviews but great effects).
I would like to strongly recommend that you read no reviews on this movie before watching it. I actually watched this blind (not even seeing the trailer) and I was quite pleasantly surprised. However, if you haven’t seen it and choose to read this review anyway, I’ll warn you by saying SPOILERS when you shouldn’t read any further. It’s only one paragraph and it will be in a blue-shaded block quote.
Opening with a serene walk in the mossy woods we meet the local “tree doctor” Adam (Joseph Mawle; Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter), who collects some strange samples of what is perhaps a slime mold of sorts on a dead animal–if you’re not a biologist, just know that’s really weird. Not halfway through examining the sample in his office slash makeshift laboratory his wife Clare (Bojana Novakovic; Devil, Drag Me to Hell) finds more of the goo leaking from their ceiling in their infant’s nursery. Yuck.
From the start I really like this atmosphere painted around our protagonists. It’s dark but naturally serene and isolated with good justification. Adam and Clare strike us as inquisitive and cautious. But, as the horror genre would have it, no one is ever really cautious enough when it comes to dealing with the supernatural. Just perhaps enough to make it interesting as the story persists and we wonder whose suspicions are more accurate: Adam’s, Clare’s or the townsfolk’s.
The superstitious locals don’t like Adam’s work-related investigations in the woods. They would warn that those woods belong the “the hallow”–the baby-stealing fairies and banshees and fey creatures of myth and folklore. The local police (Michael Smiley; The World’s End, The ABCs of Death) offer soft warnings of these legends, but their neighbor (Michael McElhatton; Game of Thrones) who lost his daughter to the woods is more heavy-handed, offering an ancient book of fairy lore depicting changelings.
I applaud director Corin Hardy’s first feature length film endeavor. It takes us from mysterious, to superstitious, to “pack your bags and let’s get outta’ here” without a slow moment. We find a gradual introduction to the fey creatures accompanied by sounds of stirring about, followed by stronger evidence like monstrous scratch marks and ultimately…attack by monsters in plain sight. The creature effects are pretty good and very abundant–we see a lot of them. These fairy plant zombies look and move in creeptastic ways nuanced with twitches.
Skip the next paragraph to avoid spoilers.
MINOR SPOILERS START HERE… This film is exactly what Leprechaun Origins (2014) really wanted to be, but sorely failed to achieve. These neat fairy folk creatures assume a more twisted monstrous form than the attractive pixies of storybooks. Repelled and harmed by iron and light, they are the stuff of evil. They infect Adam’s home with some sort of corrupting, infectious, parasitic fairy slime that acts like a virus on living tissue and rapidly warps and rots wood. I was expecting the slime to take us in the transformation direction of such films as Blood Glacier (2013), Harbinger Down (2015) or The Thing (2011). It sort of does, and it certainly takes us on a weird journey. Just not the path I expected. It reminded me of Leviathan (1989) and The Cave (2005), and even had a Prometheus (2012) meets The Fly (1986) vibe about it. SPOILERS END HERE…
This film came out of nowhere and really impressed me. It’s not especially original, but it boasts fine execution, quality squishy slimy creature effects, smart cautious protagonists…just watch it.
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