John’s Horror Corner: Little Deaths (2011)
MY CALL: More about sick sexual themes than horror or death, this anthology presents a perverse trio of unlinked shorts that I hesitate to recommend to anyone other than fans of the torture-porn or Tokyo Gore Shock subgenres. It’s just for people who want to be shocked by the appalling. [B-/C+] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: If you like this for what it is, then aim for The Human Centipede films. Otherwise, some fun, decent or clever anthologies include (in order of release date) Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Dark Side: The Movie (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), The Theater Bizarre (2011), V/H/S (2012), and the upcoming The ABC’s of Death (2012) and The Profane Exhibit (2012 or 2013).
The French word for orgasm translates into “little death,” clearly the etymology of this title.
This British anthology is about the most perverted I’ve seen. Not for gore, torture or murderous means, but such from the darkest and most sexually depraved recesses of the fragmented mind. These tales feature rape, masturbation, psychological abuse and BDSM…and images of full frontal nudity (male and female), urination, mutant genitals, vaginal bleeding, ejaculation and semen, with many of these themes and elements present in more than one of the shorts. The “horror” themes seem minor; rarely supernatural and serving more to “end” the short stories instead or drive them. This is clearly an inappropriate film which should not be taken lightly, not be presented to minors (or even most adults), or really recommended at all lest you be someone with cinematic tastes favoring shocking extremes.
Unlike more thoughtful anthologies, the three short films of this movie are not linked by an over-arching concept or storyteller. They are simply presented one after another, each of them with shock-value-driven themes and lousy endings. Below, I present a synopsis and critique of each short film.
House and Home–written and directed by Sean Hogan (Summer’s Blood writer)
Richard and Victoria Gull are an upper-middle class British couple that appear equal parts caring and cold. Posing as religious do-gooders they lure homeless people into their homes for a kind meal, a bath and a night in a warm bed. After luring a young woman (intriguingly named Sorrow) to their home for dinner, they drug her and take turns doing, ummmm, things to her. MY CALL: Sure, it opens and endures with a solid, sick but well-done, shock-schlock cinema appeal. But it’s ending degenerates into something overly simplistic as if the writers, or perhaps the director, got lazy and dumped some gaudy scene on us that relied on gore as a crutch rather than a cinematic device. [B-/C+]
Mutant Tool— written and directed by Andrew Parkinson (Venus Drowning, Dead Creatures)
Jen is an ex-prostitute, a drug dealer and an addict looking to kick her bad habits–all of them. She seeks medical assistance from a shady doctor who prescribes a new, very promising drug that has its share of side effects including hallucinations and increased “sexuality.” However, the doctor is more concerned with experimenting on his patients than helping them. MY CALL: After a quick, cheap opening shock, this story really doesn’t go anywhere until the very end, when an inanely ridiculous twist ending is shoved in our face. Depending on your taste, you might even get a laugh out of it. [C-]
Bitch–written and directed by Simon Rumley (The Living and the Dead, The ABC’s of Death)
Pete and Claire share an interesting relationship. Claire is a psychologically abusive domme who weaponizes her sexuality against Pete. Claire also has an irrational fear of dogs even though she has Pete behave, live and “dress” as a dog for her domination pleasure. MY CALL: The ending is quite sick and was likely intended to represent some manner of poetic justice. I would suggest that, outside of a little shock value, this venture failed while still being the best ending of the anthology’s shorts. However, a fine job was done setting a depressed mood (from Pete’s perspective) using blue-tone soft lighting and gritty film. Their relationship was depicted very effectively and, beyond the aim of this film, told an interesting story on its own. [C+]
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2012 Most Awesomely Awesome Awards [Part 2]
The Hof saw fit to grace us with his 2012 Awesomely Awesome Awards. Read them. Love them. My favorite was when Hulk won the coveted “Best God Punch” award and Norton keeps cool as shit gets real in The Bourne Legacy. Anyway, I came up with some awards of my own for 2012’s higher profile releases.
The best movie of 2012 that gave viewers NOTHING that the trailer promised–Prometheus.
They edified a campaign adamantly denying that this was not an Alien prequel . It was.
They promised us answers. We just left with even more questions like “what was that black goo?”.
We expected the best screenplay of the decade. We got something rushed for a deadline that yielded hardly credible characters and completely unrelated (though very cool) scenes shoehorned together into a poorly synthesized effects-driven summer blockbuster. [Click the two hyperlinks in here to see a play by play of the misinformation campaign that was this movie.]
http://www.prometheus-movie.com/community/forums/topic/10226
Engineer 1: Brother, what will humans learn of our race and why we created them?
Engineer 2: Ummmm…pretty much nothing.
Engineer 1: And what of the actions of the Space Jockey from “Alien” and our intentions?
Engineer 2: Again, nothing.
Engineer 1: Well…? Why did we even make this “Prometheus” movie?
Engineer 2: [shrugs] No clue. Now, excuse me, I have to drink some black goo so that movie goers will get frustrated trying to figure out why–and not get an answer.
The most poorly re-imagined franchise re-imagining–The Amazing Spider-Man.
How many times do we have to learn about this kid’s family dynamic and teen gawkiness. He’s Spider-Man. We get it. He’s a nerd that invented web shooters in high school and he should probably become an engineer or a physicist. Instead he wrestles CGI lizards and wears the kind of tights that get your ass kicked anywhere except for ComicCon.
http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/celebrity/pictures-today/2012/06/20/andrew-garfield-paris-the-amazing-spider-man
I feel the same about this reboot as I do this suit…not sure if I love it or hate it.
Best bootlegging period film of 2012—Lawless. Really! Name one better bootlegging period film that came out this year. I dare you! See? You can’t.
Most unexpected nudity–Jessica Chastain in Lawless. Remember that scene? It really had no business being there. [Thank you!]
Most likely to win an Oscar for eye-acting–Tom Hardy in Lawless. Watch this movie again and watch Tom Hardy’s eyes. He hardly needed lines. He could’ve made his way through that entire film relying on sleepy eyelids and brass-knuckled throat punches.
Sweeping the awards this year, The Cabin in the Woods walks away with four awards…
Best giant apocalyptic Chthulu hand–The Cabin in the Woods. Some folks rolled their eyes at this, but I must admit that I’ve never seen a better giant apocalyptic Chthulu hand in any movie EVER. I thought it was a fun-spirited idea that worked in the context of this way off topic horror film.
Most innovative use of a Merman–The Cabin in the Woods. This really requires no explanation whatsoever beyond Bradley Whitford’s own words “I just think it would’ve been cooler if there was a merman.”
http://thesplitscreen.wordpress.com/2012/06/17/a-splitscreen-discussion-the-cabin-in-the-woods/
Best Metafilm of 2012–The Cabin in the Woods. This movie, unlike Prometheus, actually provided viewers with answers–not just to this movie, but to all horror movies. Many questions remain, but The Cabin in the Woods managed to make sense of much horror commonplace previously considered senseless malarkey. For example: Why would you have sex NOW? Who would have sex THERE? Why go out there alone? Split up?—are you insane? No, don’t investigate and don’t ‘be right back.’
http://thesplitscreen.wordpress.com/2012/06/17/a-splitscreen-discussion-the-cabin-in-the-woods/
This movie even explained that there is, in fact, a difference between “redneck zombie torture family” and “zombies.” But they never explain “Kevin” in the bottom left of the murder board.
Most justified in-context sex scene in a horror film–The Cabin in the Woods. While this feels a little like double-dipping from the previous award, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve questioned the appropriateness of sexual conduct while a friend is missing or dead and we have no contact with anyone.
http://redemptiosehnsucht.blogspot.com/2012/04/cabin-in-woods-film-review-2012.html
Chris Hemsworth wins the award for Most damned movies released out of order in one year. So Thor came out May 6th 2011, The Cabin in the Woods was April 2012, The Avengers was May 2012, Snow White and the Huntsman in June 2012, and Red Dawn just came out this November (2012). But hold on a minute. The Cabin in the Woods and then Red Dawn were both completed BEFORE he even started bulking up for Thor. Meanwhile, uninformed movie goers were thinking Hemsworth went from “super bulky Thor, to lean CK-chic horror jock, back to super-bulky Thor and Snow White, then drop to medium-sized in Red Dawn again…this guy bulks and fasts like Christian Bale!”
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2012 Awesomely Random Awards
Hello all. Mark here. I’ve already posted the best of the year and here are the best moments/characters/bad guys/gingers and cardigans of 2012.
2012 was fantastic for cinema. Ed Norton made a comeback, gingers ruled the screen and bike messenger JGL got chased around by Michael Shannon in the surprsingly good Premium Rush. Enjoy the list. comment and keep your eye out for all of our 2012 coverage.
Best character introduction/Best 4:oo Am rain running/king of the crisis room
Edward Norton- Bourne Legacy. Welcome back Ed! You are the king of crisis room…..and telling people to leave the crisis room when things get too real.
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I jumped into a train and fixed my cufflinks award.
Quantum of Solace who? Skyfall is a wonder of atmosphere, wonderful characters and Scotland vistas. Can’t wait for the blu ray and Home Alone comparisons.
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Best Hair and accent
Merida from Brave. huge hair and plenty of spunky Kelly MacDonald
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Best Fight
Seann William Scott vs. Liev Schreiber in Goon. Two likable guys, lots of blood and very loud cheers
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Best Song/ Yo, this film is batsh*t crazy award
Circus Afro! Polka Dot Polka Dot Afro! Madagascar 3 is fantastically insane in all the right ways. It is legitimately bonkers and certified CIRCUS AFRO!!!!
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Best grunts and cardigans
Tom Hardy in Lawless. He grunts, acts motherly and lands Jessica Chastain. A welcome break from Superstar Bane
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I love it when movies about NYC bike messengers who are chased by a squirrely Michael Shannon turn out to be a whole lot of fun award.
Premium Rush had no reason to work. However, JGL and Michael Shannon created a bonkers relationship similar to that of Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner.
Best supporting dirtbags
Scoot Mc Nairy and Ben Mendelsohn in Killing Me Softly. Give these guys their own movie. Or, put them in a movie where James Gandolfini doesn’t spend 45 minutes breathing heavily.
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Funniest lines
21 Jump street
“Leave Korean Jesus alone. He busy. With Korean Sh**.”
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Best villain again…
Loki – The dude can raise armies, get crunched by Hulk, punched by Thor, Outwitted by Iron Man and fooled by Black Widow…….and still escape and raise another army…..repeat. He will never take over the world but will always be an incredible annoyance.
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Second Best Villain who wastes 50 year old scotch and shoots well dressed women for no reason.
Javier Bardem enjoys wasting good scotch and planning the most elaborate assassinations ever. A perfect foil for Bond and MacCallan purists.
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Best Chicken Burrito and use of Navy veterans
Battleship– Thank for being loud and awesome. Too bad nobody understood you.
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Exactly what the trailer advertised/Best Soundtrack
Project X – huge beats, zero accountability and huge beats. I loved it.
Best claymation film featuring a lonely Darwin
Pirates – Cheeky, lively and features the greatest travel by map ever. Pirates for Pirate film of the year!
Best Gingers – TIE
Jessica Chastain hunts Bin Laden. Brittany Snow sings mash ups. Both are fantastic, likable and mysterious. Guess which one has problem with her lymph nodes?
Happiest moment
When the little fella finally gets to sing in Pitch Perfect. He has the magic in him. Watch this film, buy the soundtrack, watch it again.
Best Breakfast
Bourne Legacy – Jeremy Renner and Oscar Isaac munch on some grub while they figure each other out. Fantastic character building, good eats and better acting.
Best movie I won’t watch again
Lincoln – Wonderful acting, beautiful set design and that dude from Flight of the Conchords and Breaking Bad finally gets a juicy role for the mainstream to appreciate.
Best God Punching
Hulk hitting Thor in The Avengers. Hulk also crunches Loki but you gotta dig the random punches to blond Asgardians.
Thanks for not phoning it in
Robert Deniro Silver Linings Playbook. Best performance in over a decade and he gets some of the best moments of the year.
You made that with that and it became that? I like you
Beasts of the Southern Wild – Cheap, memorable and breathtaking. The film is like Malick and David Gordon Green had a nephew that was interested in film and lived in New Orleans.
Please watch this film. I need a sequel because it is wonderful, violent and Karl Urban’s chin is a better actor than 73% of all working actors
Dredd 3D – Whoa, this film is amazing. Cheap, believable and visionary. It needs an audience and proves that there are good R-rated comic book films out there.
Best Neck Squeeze
Seven Psychopaths – A wonderfully profane film featuring Woody Harrelson giving Colin Farrell the neck squeeze of doom. It is a solid follow up to In Bruges. If you haven’t watched In Bruges check it out now.
Best posing whilst standing in front of an explosion
Black Widow keeps her cool while aliens, giant lizards and large green men battle.
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2012 Random Awards
Hello all. Mark here. Welcome to the 2012 MFF awards. The awards that celebrate the underdogs yet still appreciate the critical darlings.
The list celebrates films that were unexpected, under appreciated and surprising . Films that all offer the viewer something important and unexpected (Wonderful characters, inventive action and Bill Murray hitting Ed Norton with a shoe). These movies all offer something original and inventive that make the experience worthwhile. They are unexpected treats that subverted the conventions of cinema and were better than they had any right to be. They featured fantastic fights too.
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The list is no particular order. I started the list with five films then it ballooned and I still feel bad about leaving Dredd, Bourne Legacy, Headhunters and Cabin in the Woods out. Also, Killing Them Softly almost made it’s way in because of the occasional soon to be classic moments that happened between James Gandolfini’s heavy breathing.
Without further ado here is the list!
Goon – Doug Glatt is my favorite character of the year. Earnest, tough and kind. Seann William Scott plays him as an adult man who isn’t a man child. He is a guy that is kind and loyal but has no problem head butting your face into oblivion. Goon features fleshed out characters who were created with love. The movie has a huge heart and is evident in the relationship between Glatt and his love interest Alison Pill. Liev Schreiber is fantastic as tough guy Ross Reardon. If Ross was in any other movie he would be played as the stereotypical asshole who is the foil to the hero. However, under Liev’s moustache is a man who has forgotten who he once was and embraces his current persona. The characters are three dimensional and the friendships are fantastic. People loved this movie so much that Jay Baruchel is writing a sequel. I can’t wait to spend more time with the corn dog loving Doug Glatt and his motley crew.
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Safety Not Guaranteed – The Charm of Safety Not Guaranteed is that you like everyone involved. You want them all to find what they want and live happy quirky lives. Audrey Plaza is fantastic, Jake Johnson is a wonderful blend of neurotic and confident and Mark Duplass makes you believe he can actually pull off time travel. Safety Not Guaranteed makes you smile and you will enjoy every second of the “weird mojos bonding.” It also features this fantastic dialogue exchange:
Duplass: “Have you ever looked certain death in the eye?’
Plaza: “If I had I wouldn’t be talking to you.”
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The Raid – The Raid is an urgent film. If you stop or make the wrong movement you are dead. Everything is at stake and the fights are brutal and efficient. The Raid is what happens when you lose your budget and are forced to create a cheap fight epic. There are no bells, whistles or unnecessary exposition. The movie hits hard, often and with absolute confidence. Every time somebody gets hit you feel the pain and the bones crunching. The way the characters use torque and technique to hurt people is a marvel of violence, fantastic choreography and face kicking.
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The Grey – live or die. Trudge on or give up. The Grey was marketed as Neeson punching wolves but instead was a contemplation of life and death. You feel the cold and relate to all the men. That is why the journey is a nail biter that asks and answers questions about death. For instance, how do people hold up when death is on the horizon? What will you do in your final moments? Where does the will to live come from? The film is beautiful to behold and bleak to watch. After the film was over I wanted to talk to somebody. It creates conversations and lingers in your memory.
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Bernie – Part documentary/Part film/All Linklater. It is funny, charming, cheeky, engaging and creative. Jack Black gives a career defining performance and you will love watching Matthew McConaughey having a hoot of a time. Movies like Bernie do not come around much because there is nothing like them. I will let Roger Ebert sum up Black’s performance:
“I had to forget what I knew about Black. He creates this character out of thin air, it’s like nothing he’s done before, and it proves that an actor can be a miraculous thing in the right role.”
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Chronicle – Avengers was managed. Dark Knight Rises was too self important. Chronicle was unexpected. All three films are fantastic but Chronicle offered something that Avengers, Dark Knight Rises and Spiderman couldn’t achieve. There is a sense of wonder, exhilaration and truthfulness that explodes off the screen and creates an unexpected blast of original. When the three kids are flying and a plane bursts through the clouds it makes you feel like you are up there with them. The film was made for $12 million and proves small budgets often bring huge creativity. Also, it also makes me want to go spelunking again after The Descent and it’s evil mole monsters scared me away.
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Haywire – This is what happens when you use your actors correctly. Haywire is a retro fight fest that hits hard and has tons of style. I love that Carano does her own stunts and has some spectacular fights with Tatum, McGregor and Fassbender. I love how McGregor fights like McGregor, Tatum is the Tampa guy who can fight and Fassbender gets killed in worst/best way ever. The long static shots showcase the bone breaking action and I dig how Carano uses her MMA training to choke, kick and elbow her ways to realistic victories over her larger male opponents. Also, kudos to Pullman and Carano for pulling off one of the best father/daughter teams since Veronica Mars.
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The Five Year Engagement – The film is long, loaded with too many characters and food trucks are involved. However, somewhere in the film there are neat truth nuggets. The film swings for the fences and asks you to sit down for two hours while attractive people don’t communicate. However, it has a bravado and truthfulness that you don’t see very often. Some moments are shoved down your throat (doughnuts) and subtly is abandoned (explaining the doughnuts). However, any film that refuses to play it safe(a toe is cut off due to frost bite which was caused by infidelity) is cool in my book. viva la Cookie Monster!
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Moonrise Kingdom – If Wes Anderson sneezed on some film I would put it in my top ten. Moonrise Kingdom is Wes at his best. He coaxes a warm and engaging performance out of Bruce Willis and helped Ed Norton revitalize his career (with an assist from Bourne Legacy). I love Anderson films because they can be described as whimsical, quaint and occasionally violent. Moonrise is 100% Anderson but is unpredictable. It is like being on the same bike but on different trails. You know how the wheels turn but have no clue what is around the corner.
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21 Jump Street – The most rewatchable film of the year. Their are so many laughs in 21 Jump Street you will need to watch it several time to appreciate them all. I love how the film plays with the definition of cool and what remakes should be. Add in Ice Cube’s sassy yelling, Jake Johnson’s stressed out principal, Brie Larson’s free spirited teenager and Franco’s smarm and you have the funniest movie of the year. In the words of Rob Riggle “I need me some Doug McQuaid.”
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What do you think about the list? Comment. Complain. Agree. Thanks!
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Miami Connection
Miami Connection is so bad it transcends bad and moves towards immortal awesome. You sit with your jaw agape while people kick boards, ride motorcycles and say lines like “they don’t make buns like that at the bakery.” It is told with such optimistic ineptitude it is impossible to compare it to any other film. Filmed in 1986 by martial arts guru Y.K. Kim. The one million dollar film was turned down by every major, moderate and minor studio. It was eventually released in West Germany and forgotten. However, one fateful night the film was bought on Ebay by an employee of the Alamo Drafthouse. The film was played on the famous Weird Wednesday. It quickly became a cult hit and received a limited theatrical release. Now, the blu-ray has been released and has joined the bonker ranks of The Room, Birdemic and Troll 2. Watch the trailer and you will understand why.
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What sets this film apart is the earnestness of the characters. The director Y.K. Kim who nowadays is a motivational speaker wanted to promote peace so he made a movie about a martial arts band in Orlando who battle motorcycle ninjas. Their goal is to stop the “stupid cocaine” that is flowing from Miami. Their mission leads them across flabby villains, drunk bikers and a ninja in a white suit who decapitates people. When you read interviews with Kim you notice the positivity flowing from the man. He is a ball of happy who can kick you in the face. The happiness is evident in the film but so is the insanity. Kim is positive but he also seems absolutely bonkers. He may be a martial arts dynamo but he directed this scene.
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He directed and wrote this scene too.
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Following this bar fight the man who received the beating tells the rival band “because of you I lost my job and got my ass kicked.” I must have pressed the rewind button 15 times because I couldn’t believe what I was watching. There are creepy Daytona beach scenes and a hilarious speech about a lost father. Miami Connection also features the oddest montage ever involving Korean motorcyclists and the dirtiest biker gang ever. It is weird, incredibly sad and features a moment where an extra clearly does not want to be touched by the main bad guy. I kept wondering where the scene was going but it never got there. It was simply a montage of bikers drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.
Miami Connection is bad because Y.K. Kim wanted it to be great. He had grand expectations and epic intentions. However, the end product is a mixture of air guitar and spin kicks. After all this time Kim still thinks this movie will change the world. I doubt it will change the world but it will give people a new opinion of Orlando bands that sing about martial arts.
Y.K. Kim started a band for this film called Dragon Sound. They are a positive martial arts band who teach peace via 80’s pop. Check out Dragon Sound.
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The best part is that after 25 years the band is still training together.
Miami Connection is worth the watch. If you are a bad movie connoisseur this is a must see. It is bad in ways never featured before on the big screen. I applaud you Kim. Keep fighting the good fight.
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Liberal Arts
Josh Radnor wrote, directed and starred in this film. The movie works well but you can feel the “writing” all over it. He really “wrote” this film. There are speeches about hyperbole, combating loneliness and Twilight. I appreciated the idealism but it never comes across as natural because of the writing touches. Give Radnor a couple more films and I think he will be able to incorporate his passions into a naturalistic script.
The movie centers around a 35-year old man who returns to his college to attend a professor’s retirement party. While at the school he meets a virginal, readily available and precocious student and they quickly form a bond. Their bond involves classical music, writing letters and literature. There is an interest but there is also a 19 year age difference that isn’t helped by the long distance. Elizabeth Olsen is the main reason this film works. She has a way of seeming totally effortless while doing many things. In this film she has to be young, smart, advanced and still a teenager. She does it all with aplomb and you can understand why Josh cast her in the role.
The film strikes a chord because I received a BA in Literature from FSU in 2005. I know what it is like to walk around on a college campus with an inflated literary ego and several books in my bag. I’d have discussions about Shakespeare and wonder why nobody understood my Bartleby the Scrivener quotes. When I graduated I was sent off into the world to further my love of literature. Instead, I ended up in a really bad band and was working as a bouncer in a bar. I eventually started teaching, moved to Korea now live in Atlanta. My degree kept me from staying in one place too long and much like The Hobbit has created an unexpected journey. However, unlike Radnor’s film I’ve never said stuff like this “aren’t you romanticizing youth” or New York with classical music is better.”
Liberal Arts is a fine film. Radnor will find his way. Elizabeth Olsen is fantastic.
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The MFF Debates 2012: The Vow
Greetings, folks! Today we introduce our first debate over whether or not a movie is good or God-awful. Strangely I, founding father of John’s Horror Corner, am assuming the pro (or “good”) role for The Vow (2012). I (John) will begin with an opening statement…
The scenes from this movie will roll men’s eyes and swoon women’s hearts; straight out of the Cosmo article: “How you know you’ve met Mr. Right.” Our young lovers exchange a glance, she accidently leaves something behind, and he suggests that they owe it to the universe to have a drink —barf, right guys? Then we cut to her waiting tables with the sniffles and she finds a gift waiting for her at a vacant table and there he is watching from outside, soaking in the rain with a mild-mannered smile. The contents? Tissues for her nose, Advil for her head, a photo of him for her heart, and a negligee for later. He’s every bit as spontaneous and thoughtful as any women’s magazine could imagine.
Every girl’s dream: a soaking wet Channing Tatum. Let’s get you out of those clothes.
After the accident he fights for her–even against her manipulative parents. They fight dirty, but he keeps it clean. The ride is bumpy and frustrating, but cuddlingly warm and fuzzy by the end. Tatum is convincing as a man who desperately, if not fearfully, needs to get his wife to fall in love with him again. Give Tatum a shot on this one. Even you simply think he’s some good-looking punk from Tampa, choosing his movie is probably getting guys laid as we speak! This movie has everything women want and is guy-friendly enough to be a winner on date night. I vote: GOOD MOVIE!
MARK:
Don’t get me wrong because I am all-in for the Tatum-McAdams relationship. However, I think the movie could have been twenty minutes long. here is how it goes:
1-5: Establish characters
6-10 – Meet cute and fall in love during a montage.
10-17 – Evil parents, evil ex-boyfriend, hipster friends and another bump on the head.
17-18 – They get back together, another montage and everything is good.
18-20 – Credits and cheeky photographs of the two in love.
This is not a 20 minute movie. Instead, we get like 178 minutes of quite possibly the worst characters in recent memory. McAdams parents are worse than Hannibal Lector and Buffalo Bill combined. They are manipulative turds who try to get back in their daughter’s heart. They also introduce a greasy Scott Speedman who fully knows of her memory condition.
Add in some stereotypical hipsters, farting in cars and a very confused McAdams and you have yourself a full on “groaner.” What do I mean by “groaner?” There are so many bad scenes keeping the two likable leads apart you will find yourself “groaning” constantly in annoyance and confusion.
Viva la 20 minute directors cut!!!
JOHN:
Okay, yes. The parents were down right evil; like Event Horizon (Sam Neil) and American Horror Story (Jessica Lange) evil. But it’s their twisted desperation to correct their past mistakes with their daughter that make their frailty so…well, honestly credible. Credible in a way that wouldn’t be the expected behavior, but let’s not pretend that we or someone we know hasn’t witnessed some patriarchal subterfuge laced emotional manipulations, bribes of comfort or wads of money to cushion a fall?
Great movies aren’t about what’s “expected.” They’re not about protagonists who don’t face unreasonable odds. And they’re not about heroes who fight dirty–at least, not in romantic dramedies. Tatum fights a good clean fight and delivers a tingling kind of feel-good that I think RomDram enthusiasts are looking for! That kind of 12-rounder takes more than 20minutes.
You may have groaned at those twisted in-laws. But then you were wooed by Tatum’s carefully disheveled hair as he swept Rachel McAdams of her feet again.
Cue the “awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
MARK:
You are right. The Vow could have been five minutes long.
1-2 They meet cute
2-3 hair is disheveled
3-4 McAdams smiles REAL big
4:00-4:30 – They marry.
4:31-5:00 Credits and part of a Jason Mraz song.
Watch Serendipity instead!
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Your Sister’s Sister
Three people, one cabin and many nice moments. Emily Blunt, Mark Duplass and Rosemarie DeWitt work well together and give the movie a much needed improv/natural feel. When I say “natural” I mean that the big speeches and scenes don’t seem like they were written by a control hungry auteur who has a vision all her own. The film has a spirit of collaboration and freedom that is a breath of fresh air in a stale romantic comedy climate. The director/writer Lynn Shelton has worked with Duplass before on Hump day and Safety Not Guaranteed and you can tell they work comfortably together because she knows his style and he trusts her direction. She also lets him have his contemplative moments in wonderful vistas.
This movie would have fallen on it’s face had it felt forced. Nothing is selfish or deceiving it is just three people doing the best they can. This separates it from the rest because the stakes are never high and they don’t insert melodrama to fill up the 90 minutes. The last thing you want are three good looking people lying, not communicating and stabbing each other in the back with first world dilemmas. Your Sister’s Sister breezes by and the problems are resolved in believable ways that play into the actor’s strengths. What comes out of the semi-improvisational conversations is a feeling that they are not just reading dialogue. The movie works well with their personalities and establishes Duplass as the king of unconventional romance.
Two story centers around two sisters and a man. Blunt knows Duplass because she briefly dated his deceased brother. The two meet up a year after his death and Blunt tells Duplass that he should get away from the world and stay at her families cabin to decompress. He gets to the cabin and meets the sister who is doing the same thing. She just got out of a seven year relationship in which her girlfriend did a physiological number on her. The two become drinking buddies and eventually have sex. Blunt shows up the next day and they try to keep it a secret. The problem is that Duplass and Blunt don’t know that they love each other yet and yada yada yada. What follows is a beat up bike, neat conversations and terrible pancakes.
The movie tells a story well and leaves you happy. This may not sound like a huge endorsement but I promise that the film rings true, you will like the characters and look forward to next time Shelton and Duplass collaborate.
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John’s Horror Corner: Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987), one of the more comical werewolf movies
MY CALL: I love that this movie doesn’t take itself seriously at all. It’s basically a spoof of a parody of a satire. This sequel is in no way connected to the first two Howling movies, so feel free to see this even if you haven’t yet seen The Howling (1981). [B for a bad horror] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Do you like less conventional werewolf movies? Then aim for An American Werewolf in London (1981), An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), Cursed (2005) or The Company of Wolves (1984).
Given how this movie begins, we’re led to believe that Professor of Anthropology Harry Beckmeyer somehow stumbled across some 80-year old footage of Australian aborigines killing some man-wolf hybrid thing. Considering this to be concrete evidence of the existence of werewolves, Harry travels to Australia so that he can prove the existence of werewolves to the scientific community.
Okay, guys. Now let’s do a funny pose…
Meanwhile Australian native Jerboa (Imogen Annesley; Queen of the Damned) is recruited by a young filmmaker (Donny) to act in a werewolf movie called “Shape Shifters.” They become intimate and Donny learns a bit more than he expected about werewolves–including that, evidently, they have kangaroo pouches just above their hoo-has.
The first half of the movie follows these three characters in an over-the-top marathon of fun horror-spoofed nonsense. The second half feels like a really weird family movie complete with a healthy relationships between Jerboa and Donny, Harry settling down with a balerina werewolf, and they all have fast-growing werechildren. Meanwhile, the Australian military has become hell-bent on capturing, studying and maybe eradicating the recently discovered werewolves. It’s like The Little Marsupial Werewolf House on the Prairie with some pesky military occupants.
I feel like I’ve seen this scene in every werewolf movie. Here, the military is trying to learn about the werewolves…
The free-again werewolf calls upon the great spirit (or something) to turn into a 20′ tall werewolf that we see for a few seconds here sticking its head into a soldier’s tent…
Also infused with the great werewolf spirit whatever is this werewolf skeleton, which attacks a soldier…somehow…with no explanation of the skeleton werewolf zombie thing in the movie…whatever, it was funny!
The cheesy transformation scenes are comically littered with rubber prosthetics, bubbling skin and retractable claws. There’s a laughably gross monster birth scene dream sequence. Oh, and there are werewolf nuns and a werewolf ballerina with poor transformation timing! Of course, the actual action is infrequent and awful, but I don’t mind at all.
Okay, so here someone is turning into a…ummm….seahorse or something?
And here we have a croco-werewolf with Wolverine claws.
“Congratulations. You’re having a AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Werewolf nuns which smack of were-kangaroos.
Fun, weird, light-hearted and spoofy. All in good fun, folks.
MPAA SIDEBAR: As for the rating, you should really consider this to be rated R (not PG-13) when considering young viewers. It’s not scary or gory, but there’s basically total nudity obscured only by a thin layer of “body fur” and this includes the moment and the actual act of monster childbirth followed by watching a tiny, slimy, marsupial lycanthrope–which is strangely cute–make its way to mommy’s pouch from her…well, you know. At age 10 I think I would have been just fine
with this, but I’m rather sure my mother wouldn’t be!
Yup. She has a teeny baby in her pouch just above her hoo-ha.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Apparition
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John already covered this film with a wonderful examination of dirty hands, mold that devalues homes, pulse sucking and the futility of battling a ghost with a baseball bat. John’s talk of annoying sheet choking and ghosts that burped chairs intrigued me so I needed to watch The Apparition and write a BMT for it.
The Apparition is the story of attractive people who awaken various ghosts then are killed by those ghosts. I still can’t get over the hubris of the attractive scientists as they conjure a butt kicking. The problem is that the ghost is a prankster who enjoys growing mold, wrapping people in sheets and closing doors loudly. This of course leads to many scenes of svelte people looking at stuff while trying to act scared.
John was correct to say the mold was evil and capable of mass property destruction. I don’t know why the ghost loves mold but it spent a lot of time hiding strategic spores under the house and in kitchen corners. There is a particularly thrilling scene dedicated to a man poking the mold with a broomstick. Did ghosts create penicillin? Are we dosing ourselves with ghost matter. Is this their ploy to make us look at stuff?
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This movie reminded me of the fantastically bad The Darkest Hour. A movie so wonderful we reviewed it twice. The movie features good looking people looking at stuff.
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This movie is the same. People walk around the house and look at stuff. They look at dolls, computer, ceilings, walls, pictures and speakers. There is wild scene where the evil demon has tied up all the scarves in a closet. Which must have taken a lot of commitment and a weird sense of humor. Also, The ghost steals a camera and uses it to look at magazine cover queen Ashley Greene. The best part about this film is that you can look at these pictures and know exactly what will happen without ever watching the movie.
All pics via Rotten Tomatoes
Queen of the magazine covers Ashley Greene is used for nothing more than to dress down and have fantastic hair. I haven’t watched a Twilight movie in a while but I remember her being the spunky one among the sullen Cullens. Her performance in this film is surprising because she does the opposite of acting. There is a scene where she has to convey fear and her face doesn’t move which means she is very stoic or the act of fear is lost on Greene.
The Apparition fully deserved the 4% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. However, it is bad fun. It can be enjoyable to watch with friends. It didn’t make me fall asleep like I did in Texas Chainsaw remakes. It isn’t gross like the Human Centipede and breaks The Grudges record for dirty ghost hands. The best part about it is that it doesn’t have those evil demon kids whom never cease to annoy me.
Watch The Apparition. Watch the cast as they look at stuff. Watch as the ghosts looks at stuff. Never threaten a ghost with a baseball bat.
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