John’s Horror Corner: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
MY CALL: I wasn’t at all thrilled with this movie as a Texas Chainsaw movie, but I generally LOVED it as a bad horror flick! It had a great story idea, but a combination of poor delivery/execution and a departure from The Texas Chainsaw “family values” guillotined its potential. [B for a horror flick] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: There are six other Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies. Get started. But maybe skip the stillborn 1994 reboot. Also, please enjoy The Cabin in the Woods–it explains why most of this stuff happens.
A very inexperienced director (John Luessenhop; Takers) has failed to continue delivering the well-pedigreed success of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise reboot. While many people complain about the reboot remake in 2003 and the follow-up prequel The Beginning (2006), they followed in the tradition of brutally torturing and psychologically flaying young groups of off-the-trail road trippers surrounded by “holy shit” moments. Whether you loved them or hated them, and for whatever reason, you winced and gritted your teeth while trying not to look away. This latest installment neither made me wince nor flinch. The scares were hardly present, I never had a sense of suspense or dread or terror, and the brutality was outstandingly minimal compared to all other Texas Chainsaw movies. Clearly, the branding was lost.
Heather (Alexandra Daddario; the Percy Jackson movies) learns that her grandmother willed her a Texas mansion in a small town. This also comes with the discovery that she was stolen, not adopted, by her “parents.” She travels to visit her newly inherited manor with her friends Ryan (Trey Songz), Nikki (Tania Raymonde; Lost, Chillerama) and Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sánchez; True Blood), and they pick up shockingly friendly hitchhiker Carl (Scott Eastwood; Trouble with the Curve) on the way.
These kids aren’t great actors. But they do fine. And Heather and Nikki are off the charts hot! So hot, in fact, that all camera angles meant to frame “the cast” actually use Nikki’s ass as the foreground and Heather’s abby, cropped-shirt stomach as the background, with the male characters somewhere in between. LOL. This is NOT a joke at all and it happens multiple times. [This may sound like negative criticism, but it’s not. I love it!]
Heather (Alexandra Daddario) and Nikki (Tania Raymonde).
Heather (Alexandra Daddario)
This young group reaches the manor and decides to stay, party and explore. While doing this, they basically follow The Cabin in the Woods playbook. Two characters wander off alone. People discover things like secret doors and investigate by themselves. They play loud music so Ryan (played by Trey Songz) can’t hear his friend dying over the Trey Songz hit “Ladies and the Drinks.” Nikki drinks, does drugs and tries to seduce her best friend’s boyfriend out in the barn–THE BARN!!! Oh, and Heather tests the audience’s patience by seeing how many times she can fall while being chased. [This may sound like negative criticism, but it’s not. I love it!]
Nikki (Tania Raymonde) sinning with Ryan (Trey Songz).
Why is all this happening? Because evidently Leatherface still lives there. Should Heather have known that? Well, maybe. Her grandmother left her an important letter which she never got around to reading until the end of the movie.
The action finale is more of an understated “fight” than a blaringly loud, desperate, blood and sweat-drenched chase scene–which branded the franchise in horror fans’ psyches. This struck me as a MAJOR mistake. It was not only done poorly, but even done “well” it was terribly ill-suited for the Leatherface character they built up in this film. Thankfully, the not-so-twisty twist at the end made up for it with good intentions on the writers’ part. A sequel or additional installment of some sort is obviously on its way, but I hope they return to the family dynamic of past installments that just seemed to make the “sickness” of The Texas Chainsaw series work.
LEATHERFACE: In this film his character goes largely unexplained. Past movies use family bullying, psychological manipulation and sexual undertones to explain what drives this lug and aims his rage. All we learn in this movie is that he’s obsessed with masking himself in human flesh and, in about 15 seconds of the movie, it’s suggested that he may feminize himself with make-up and women’s clothing.
THE STORY: The writers managed to construct an interesting, plausible story linking the end of the first movie of the “original franchise” with this reboot installment. The story elements are actually much cooler than previous installments had to offer. However, the poor presentation of the horror, terror, brutality, surreal macabre, and psychological torture that branded the original franchise just wasn’t here–rendering these impressive story ideas less effective. This was unfortunate.
TIMELINE: This movie serves as a present day setting sequel to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) as if the original franchise sequels 2 & 3 and then The Next Generation (1994) never happened. But can we just point out that the lead actress is 26, she looks younger, she’s probably playing a character younger than 26, and the original Texas Chainsaw movie (1974) came out 39 years ago when her lead character was between 6 and 12 months old. Now, hey, I get that today’s movie releases may “take place” 10 or 20 years in the past. But the local police cars in this movie are all low-jacked with locations presented on an HDTV at HQ and a cop provides a live video feed with his SmartPhone. So, yes, it takes place NOW. So either our lead chick looks AMAZING at 40 years old or the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) took place about 14 years in the future–for no apparent reason whatsoever. Nope, that’s out, too. Heather saw a newspaper article about the original “massacre” in a police evidence box.
Guess who?
THE GORE: It was abundant. But there really wasn’t so much for a Texas Chainsaw movie, and it was often delivered with less of a cringing intensity. There were oodles of blood trails (from dragging bodies), but not so much in the way of actively drawing blood and opening wounds spewing about. A lot was presented after the fact or more in the background of the shot rather than the focus of the camera angle (e.g., when Leatherface is amputating limbs on his work table). There was also basically no torture, just flat out killing for the most part, with no lead in of terror, toying or torture. The major exception to all this was a very satisfying face-peeling scene–that was my major wincing “ooooh weee” scene.
CAMEOS: A small victory for fans of the franchise is that familiar faces like Gunnar Hanson (stock footage Leatherface; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) cameos as one of the two actors playing Jed “Leatherface” Sawyer and Bill Mosely (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2; The Devil’s Rejects) cameos as Drayton Miller during the intro flashback scenes. Even the young local Deputy Darryl (Shaun Sipos; Final Destination 2, The Grudge 2, Lost Boys: The Tribe) will likely be recognized by horror regulars.
3-D: I saw this in 3D and, sadly, the 3D added nothing too it. Some people generally find 3D more exciting and they may appreciate it. However, spectacles were more often obscured than enhanced by the 3D filming, especially blood. The fact that this was presented in 3D, of course, warranted that Leatherface attack “the camera” with his chainsaw so that we’d be all “oooooh shit, it’s coming right for us!”
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Killer Joe
The poster sums it up. Killer Joe is a “totally twisted, deep-fried Texas redneck trailer park murder story.” The film is based on the 1993 Texas Gothic play by Tracey Letts. the Gothic aspects stick out because of the blending of terror and romance that merge with specific locals. The script reminded me of Flannery O’Connor’s short story A Good Man Is Hard to Find. The two are different in structure and character development but both feature mysterious characters, religious tones and southern locations. Both stories end on bloody and humorous tones. Especially, in Good Man where the Misfit kills an old woman and says “She would have been a good woman if there had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.”
Killer Joe is absolutely bonkers. totally twisted and sickly fantastic. The story revolves around a family of dimwits who hire a hitman to kill their mother/ex-wife so they can collect the $50,000 in life insurance to make them trailer rich and debt free from the gangsters looking for blood. They are a crew of promiscuous, alcoholic and uneducated folk who are easily manipulated and quick to lend the youngest to be the hitmans retainer.
Matthew McConaughey had a stellar 2012 (Magic Mike, Bernie, Paperboy). In this film he manages to use the McC charm while exuding a believable malice. Something dark lurks behind the good ole Texas boy persona. His final scene with Thomas Hayden Church and Gina Gershon should earn him an Oscar nomination. What makes him scary is his charisma. His character reminded me of the smooth talking H.H. Holmes who was chronicled in the educational/frightening book The Devil in the White City. The reason this film didn’t shock me like Korean killer films like I Saw the Devil or Thirst is because I know the ebb and flow of southern Gothic novels and the buttons they push. The biggest surprise was McConaughey. The only other 2012 performance that is on his level is Jack Black’s lovable killer in Bernie.
If you can find humor among death, dumb and chicken wings you will love this film. The performances by McC, Church, Gershon and Hirsch are all-in marvels of commitment. I find it odd that Juno Temple is getting zero reward talk. She pulls off the the bravest performance of 2012 and deserves some mention come Oscar time. If it were not for the cast and odd tongue in cheek attitude the movie would be a draining experience that sucks you into a bad place that can only be cured by episodes of New Girl and Happy Endings. There is a current of humor flowing in the river of filth. Also, most of the time you are amazed by McC’s performance that you forget what he is doing with a piece of chicken. Killer Joe walks a dirty tightrope that could easily be pushed into exploitation land. The thing that saves the film is the unique Gothic writing of Letts and the crafy direction of Friedkin (Exorcist, French Connection).
Killer Joe is not an easy film. It is not for the faint of heart or unsuspecting person expecting a McConaughey romantic comedy. It is lean, mean and totally twisted. The film is also hard to recommend because of the violence and yuckiness that hits you like the Texas heat. If you like Gothic themes, fantastic dialogue set pieces and all-in performances check this film out.
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Step Up 4: Revolution (2012)
MY CALL: This flick is echelons beyond You Got Served: Beat the World (2011), and even eclipses the original You Got Served (2004) and matches all of the Step Up franchise. This along with the other Step Up movies always leave me feeling satisfied, happy, pumped up and itching to pull a hamstring learning how to slam dance. [B+] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: The other Step Up movies, not necessarily in order.
Miami crew The Mob is trying to drum up 10 million YouTube hits with their filmed flash mob hip hop routines done in public. Of course they all have crappy jobs, douche-y bosses, and could really use a break. The movie is predictably formulaic, but that’s okay. The rebellious crew captain meets a rebellious young lady who, of course, also dances quite well and in a different style. Finances grow tighter. Douche bags become douchier. The love interest becomes complicated by the pressure of a powerful father’s (Peter Gallagher) ultimatum. The girl is challenged to risk everything. The Mob puts “it all” on the line.
Together Sean (Ryan Guzman in his first movie) and Emily (SYTYCD‘s Kathryn, who looks a lot like Eliza Dushku) mix his hip hop street savvy with her contemporary style. Born two worlds apart, but they’re one of a kind…yeah, it’s that kind of “rule-breaking” hip flick. He says things like “trust me” and “meet me here at this time…and wear something nice.” How mysterious and romantic, right? He wins her romantic passion by introducing her to his life’s passion: hip hop flash mobbing.
The movie is shot well with vibrant colors bringing Miami to life. The music is fun. The dancing is exciting. The flash mob set ups are cool, too. I especially enjoyed the art gallery scene, during which many dance and lighting styles were showcased. Even parkour (freerunning) finds its way into this movie.
There’s trampoline dancing, devil stick dancing, martial arts dancing, parkour, contemporary, girl crew booty shaking, hip hop, stop-motion robotics, a dash of krump, un poco de salsa…pretty much everything. Oh, and the best twitchy robot dancer EVER (Vlad from Step Up 3D)makes an appearance in the finale. Good stuff! I seriously can’t tell if they’re modifying the film speed or if he can really move like that. Jenny Kido and Moose (both from Step Up 2 and Step Up 3D) make appearances, too. Surprises abound left and right. And, no. I didn’t ruin anything for you.
Moose leading the revolution
These actors are nothing amazing, but they don’t drown in the sea of clichés and destitute writing. They hold their own just strong enough to keep my attention and earn a few grins as I patiently wait for the next dance scene. The movie also features So You Think You Can Dance‘s Twitch (who is wisely given very few lines as Jason) (Step Up 3D, Stomp the Yard 2) and Mia Michaels basically playing herself.
This movie is 90 minutes of feel good, stickin’-it-to-the-man fun that reminds me of how exciting life was in my early 20s and late teens.
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The Kick (2011)
MY CALL: Ouch! Unacceptable across the board. What a shame. I was looking forward to this movie for a long time. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: The Raid: Redemption (2011), Ong-Bak (2003), The Protector (2005) and Chocolate (2009). If you love them, you could try their second-tier cousins Raging Phoenix (2009), Merantau (2009) and Ong-Bak 2 (2008). TRAILER: Click here to see my Trailer Talk.
Prachya Pinkaew–director of Ong-Bak (2003), The Protector (2005), Chocolate (2009) and currently filming The Protector 2, and producer-only of Ong-Bak 2 (2008) and Raging Phoenix (2009)–disappoints on his most recent release. The camera work is poor (especially during action scenes and stunts), the editing reveals that the stunts were rarely done fluidly within the fight choreography, and the fight choreography itself felt like it would have been impressive 15 years ago before the Jeeja Yanin (aka Jija Yanin Mitananda), Tony Jaa, Scott Adkins era, but now it just seems dated.
The plot is rather simple. A Korean family of Tae Kwon Do Olympians moves to Thailand (for whatever reason) and opens a gym. While preparing for national Tae Kwon Do day and the Olympic trials they foil some criminals’ attempt to steal a valuable artifact and are then extorted to steal it for them.
Other than Jeeja Yanin (as Wawa), none of these young kids have been in any movies before. It’s meant to be a cute family martial arts movie but rather than having an air of Jackie Chan charm, it just comes off hokey and poorly executed. The hits are light, portrayed as far too powerful, and the fights are more silly than clever and, when clever, still poorly executed.
Here, this idiot does a Spice Girls dance routine to augment his martial arts prowess. Really, he does. My soul hurts now!
I’m confused as to how this was so awful. It had a $3.5 million dollar budget–slightly less than the $4m for Ong-Bak or $5m for Chocolate. Couldn’t they find more capable young martial artists for cheap? Stunt men aren’t expensive? What was the problem here? Why does this suck while his other directorial work rocks?
This movie really looked like it could be loads of fun. So sad.
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The Greatest MFF Comment Ever
Hello all. Mark here.
I had to post this comment my friend VJ wrote yesterday. I asked him to contribute to the year end/new year post coming up soon. What followed is one of the most inspired/surprising comments I’ve read in a long time. VJ has been known to make wonderful comments from time to time. He once proclaimed:
“The Ford Raptor got it’s sound design from the duck billed dinosaur in Jurassic Park three.”
“The Thing remake was predictable to the point it wasn’t fun to watch. Thank god the heavy set woman next to me felt like making out, otherwise my Thing remake experience would have been a complete bust.”
“As my abs take shape, I find them resembling Kitsch’s more and more after each gym session.” In reference to John Carter.
Without further ado here is the comment of 2012 and probably 2013.
Well 2013 is upon us. I received a text from Mark asking me to reflect back on all the 2012 blogs. The first thing that came to mind was obviously my new favorite “Tank Top Horror” post. For those who know me it’s no secret as to why I enjoy modern horror flicks. Let’s just say I don’t attend Renaissance Fairs for the over sized turkey legs. How can you lose with some heaving bosoms in a tank top while some form of menacing evil threatens their life?
Now, usually Mark and John are on point with their blogs, but this one felt was a little short. I don’t mean it fell short. It was a beautiful piece of blog. I mean it was literally short. There is a very important piece of history I felt needed to be added. Of course I’m talking about the original Tank Top in a horror movie; Greta Schröder of Nosferatu. In 1922 Greta was relatively unknown, but that was all about to change thanks to the tank top of her day, the night-gown.
The tank top has been around for centuries, but declined among women in the 1800’s and early 1900’s. At this time they were popular among men as an exercise garment. The nightgown was the sultriest piece of clothing at the time, and was the predecessor of the tank top. This lone film helped pave the way for the tank tops starring role in horror. As fashion changed throughout the years the tank top allowed for more bounce during the infamous chase scenes. The genius of the tank top is it manages to cover up enough to leave something to mystery, just as the nightgown did in 1922.
As for Greta she was on the positive end of tank top success. With several movies under her belt before Nosferatu, the nightgown thrust her into the limelight. It was a big gamble to get away from her roots, slap on the nightgown, and let a very creepy Max Schreck nibble on her neck. She took the risk, nailed her role, and went onto make such classics as Die zwölfte Stunde – Eine Nacht des Grauens, Großstadtmelodie, and Die Gefangene des Maharadscha. Though by the time Die Gefangene des Maharadscha was released her career was on the decline. She left us with many great films to admire, and owes most of her success to a scantily clad nightgown. In true fashion she married a struggling bad boy actor, divorced him, and was married to hot-shot director Paul Wegener. Wegner passed in 1948, and Greta disappeared from the public shortly after. Her role as the mother of tank top horror will never be forgotten. On a personal note I really enjoy the term “heaving bosom’s”
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John’s Horror Corner: The Pact (2012)
I’ll start by saying that “this” never happens in the movie.
MY CALL: I’m gonna’ be the bad guy here and disagree with the majority of online movie reviewers on this one. See it. Enjoy it. Expect to be impressed in some ways. However, the unevenness of the story prevents this film from meeting hyped up expectations reconnoitered from Amazon.
This is a much more fitting poster for this movie.
This movie has been getting solid feedback in the form of online reviews. 3.8/5 stars on Amazon, 3.4/5 stars on Netflix and 67% on RottonTomatoes. This strikes me as way too high. But I feel that folks were rating the production quality, acting, mood and “scare factor” instead of rating how well the movie actually worked. For example, regarding the story, was this a mystery thriller, a ghost story horror, a psychological thriller, a slasher movie, some of these, or all of these? This is a question you could ask yourself every ten minutes of this movie and change your answer every time. It’s fine, in fact often good, to keep your audience guessing. But when I can’t even figure out what I’m supposed to be figuring out…well that’s a problem for me. For this reason I am in strongest agreement with IMDB’s rating of a humble, even bordering on harsh, 5.6/10.
The same issues sprang to mind while watching The Tall Man (2012) and Silent House (2011); both well made, but both seemed to miss their own points. No degree of exposition when revealing a twist should justify 60 minutes of general bewilderment. And I don’t mean I fell prey to a red herring and “fell for” some clever trick on the writers’ part. No, no, no. I mean that instead of being given ideas followed by clues/leads, we were only given idea after idea after idea, most of which never led anywhere and none of which justified the ridiculous ending. I feel that The Cabin in the Woods (2012) succeeded where this movie failed with misdirection.
This movie is basically a stitch-work terror; a Franksteinian amalgam horror and ghost movie clichés shoehorned into one movie. While few horror movies of the last ten (or even twenty) years could be described as original, I feel that the clichés rarely stack as high as they do in The Pact. To its defense, however–if you forgive the story’s randomness–it strikes me as well-made and effective, with some shocking scares and a little disturbing imagery. With how much time the star spends in her panties and/or tight little tank tops, this flick is a solid exemplar of Tank Top Horror (a horror quasi-genre discovered by MoviesFilmsandFlix founder and esteemed writer, The Hof).
After her mother’s death, Annie (Tank Top Horror newcomer Caity Lotz; TV’s Death Valley) moves in to her mother’s house and searches for her sister Nichole (Agnes Bruckner; Vacancy 2, Blood and Chocolate). Objects are noticeably displaced, doors that shouldn’t be open are open, strange figures lurk about the house and our female leads are bullied around the house by an invisible force. REC (2007) started the “being dragged into the darkness” trend, Paranormal Activity (2007) followed suit with “being dragged by an invisible force.” Clearly, The Pact was trying to ride their coattails. But the ghost movie clichés don’t stop there. There’s flickering lights because of an incorporeal association with electricity (as in Pulse, The Apparition, V/H/S), Ouija boards, lights go out when ghosts are near (The Darkest Hour), and you can see ghosts in film and through camera views but not with the naked eye (Shutter, Insidious).
Some silly things transpire. A GoogleMaps ghost in her iphone leads Annie to a mysterious room in her mother’s house that Annie never knew was there despite growing up there. Then, Annie gets in touch with a medium she knew back in high school, Stevie (Haley Hudson). The movie becomes largely about this mysterious room and why the ghost gives a damn about it.
If you feel like you have no idea what this movie is about (after reading this review), then you know exactly how I felt while watching the movie. Horror fans should give it a shot. Non-fanatics should probably skip it.
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MY CALL: This disaster was unacceptably less British than the original Xtro and delivered none of the gore, schizophrenic cleverness or gross-out factor of its international original. [F!] WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Aliens or Xtro (1983).
Xtro paid homage to the mouth-raping aliens from Alien. The Second Encounter follows in the style of Aliens, in which these mouth-rapists are met with military force in more of an action movie.
Dr. Casserly (Tara Buckman; Silent Night Deady Night, Freddy’s Nightmares) and Dr. Summerfield (Paul Koslo; Robot Jox, The Omega Man) have found a way to send people to another dimension. When they send three men through their gateway, something goes wrong and communication is lost. They send for Dr. Shepherd (Jan-Michael Vincent), the discoverer of this technology, for help. What follows with that character’s development is a testament to catastrophically poor writing. Despite all the characters’ PhDs, they come off as nothing but idiotic!
Everybody look busy…like you’re doing science or something!
They manage to teleport one of their lost travelers, Marshall (Tracy Westerholm; Stargate SG 1), back through the gateway. She’s pretty much comatose until a big, slimy, entrail-covered alien tears out of her and goes into the ventilation shaft…just like in Alien or The Terror Within (1989). Their military personnel then hunt down the menace with the same guns as the colonial marines from Aliens.
Fertile women and alien movies…what an epic coupling.
I liked this gun more when Bill Paxton was using it.
Further blatantly ripping off Aliens, Dr. Summerfield gets the idea that it would be wiser to keep the alien safely contained than to kill it. It hurt me when I sensed the end of that sentence in the movie. Oh, and the alien kills with its tail like when the Alien queen impaled Bishop. So bad.
This movie is truly awful. The gore is weak and the creature looks dumb—when we rarely see any of it. The action scenes hardly have any action as we swap close-up views of someone firing a gun and this slimy dinosaur-monster screeching. After about fifteen minutes I could tell I’d be sitting around just waiting for this debacle to end.
Ouch!
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Hello all. Mark here
2012 provided a plethora of fantastic cinema. Check out the Top Ten, Awesomely Awesome Awards and the Mostly Awesome Awards However, this post will stay away from the good and focus on the bad. The goal is not to hate or diminish the work. What I have in store is a celebration of all things bad in 2012. The awards will be many and the pithy statements will be aplenty. Sit back, relax and appreciate the bad.
Best Bad Poster of the Year
They answered the question they asked in the poster. I was going to guess a something else but then I saw the money beneath his shirt. I love it when movie posters make me feel like a detective.
Best asking for a salad while kidnapped by a beheading happy drug cartel Award
Instead of being happy she has a bed and pizza Lively complains about lack of salad. I heard Oliver Stone wanted to include this in Platoon but the studio wouldn’t allow it (not researched). Don’t watch The Savages.
It made The Ugly Truth look good which makes 27 Dresses look like a classic which makes Knocked Up epic
One for the Money = Yikes. I’d wager the lowest grossing theatrical release of all time called Zzyzx Road starring Katherine Heigl might be better. I got to add a picture of John Leguizamo though.
I don’t remember a Single Thing These People Said Award
Rock of Ages. I thought this film ended but had to endure another 45 minutes of not remembering dialogue.
Wealthy Good Looking Rich People Being Selfish Award.
Friends With Kids is the worst film of the year. Makes you not want to watch any more movies about first world problems.
Nic Cage is the Greatest Thief in the World. Josh Lucas Kidnaps His Daughter. Lots of Bad Wigs and Painful Running Follows Award
Stolen is the best bad movie of the year
He Sought Justice and Found It
Seeking Justice is a head scratcher. I lost track of the plot and enjoyed Nic Cage continuing to work off his debts.
The Exploitation of Nic Cage Continues
Ghost Rider 2 is not awesome. I thought it might be awesome. I was wrong.
Best Horror Mutant Found Footage Film That Features Zero Mutants Award
I appreciate the fact that the entire movie is about Chernobyl mutants killing dumb people and they never show the mutants.
You know He is Depressed Because He Wears Lil Hats Award
He was only contractually obligated to wear the beanie for three minutes before he wore a perfectly tailored suit in Safe.
Looking at stuff in a Magical World Award
Kristen Stewart is unmatched at lookng at stuff
Runner Up: Looking at Stuff While a Mold Loving Ghost Haunts You Award.
Stewart’s Twilight costar Ashley Greene has obviously studied and learned to mimic the master. You gotta watch The Apparition.
Longer hair, Loud Noises, Can’t win
Wrath of the Titans is loud, dumb and louder…It is also boring. I thought that would be impossible. I learn something every day
Best War Face Award
This explains itself.
How do you hold “the line” against a mile high lava monster Award?
A general tells his men to hold the line against the father of all titans. Doesn’t seem fair.
Best TNT film – Man on a ledge
It will have a long life on cable with it’s literal title, name recognition and plethora of leather catsuits.
I Was Feeling Bad For You Until I Saw You Are in Star Trek 2
Alice Eve had to survive a poindexter Canadian killer in ATM and she endure the Cusack neck squeeze of doom in The Raven.
Best Hair
John Cusack + A Bad Movie = classic hair
The Tank Top Horror Film of the Year
Silent House: You haven’t read my Tank Top Horror post yet? Do it now!……Please.
Probably the Most Vulgar Thing I’ve Ever Seen Award.
Vanilla Ice was %100 likable. That’s My Boy leaves no poop/incest/adultery joke behind.
Why Can’t Knoxville Be in a Good Movie?
Nature Calls hurt the soul. I’m hoping The Last Stand will be good.
Makes More Sense Than Underworld 4 Award
Resident Evil 5 makes ZERO sense which makes Underworld all the more impressive.
When Keeping it Underacted Goes Wrong Award
Carell has invented an acting style I call “moping.” He shrugs around while poor Knightley has to be the sprightly one. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World should have been more than a mope fest.
Food trucks Solve All Problems Award
Think Like a Man and What to Expect use the food trucks to cringe worthy effect. The worst part is poor Anna Kendrick owns one of them.
Best Boots and Footloose Montage Award
The Amazing Spider Man is something I’ve seen like eight times before.
Best Ben Stiller Sterility Subplot Award
The Watch was soul crushing. It broke the land speed record for most crotch jokes in the first 12 minutes.
Kate Beckinsale Looks Fantastic But the Script, Story and Acting Are All Incomprehensible. Total Recall and Underworld 4 are Totally Bonkers.
They spend more time making her look good than actually writing a script. I’m actually 100% certain Underworld 4 didn’t have a script.
Best Sequel To a Prequel of a Prequel That Occurred Because of a Sequel
The Scorpion King 3 enters levels Inception couldn’t touch. Somebody speaks this line too “Your breath smells like rotten yak carcus.”
Worst Fight in a Good Movie
Batman and Bane are supposed to be martial arts masters who belong to the League of Shadows. Instead, they throw wild haymakers and occasionally mix it up with a gut shot. It baffles me that Batman never tries to hit that mask thingy. Also, who catches punches nowadays? I still like The Dark Knight Rises despite the hundreds of monologues. Read my post about The Scarecrow. It is fantastic! I love shameless plugs. Also read all of John’s replies and analysis.
Oddest moment in a good movie
A boatload of establishing films and a world conquering villain. So, why does The Avengers spend like 30 minutes fixing a propeller? Is that what made Robert Downey Jr. $50 million? Stoked for the next one though!
If you ever want a sweet leather jacket for cheap you should chill with Tom Cruise
Cruise stole a perfect jacket in MI4. Now, he is buying perfectly tailored jackets at Goodwill in Jack Reacher. I hope he doesn’t think it is that easy.
Comment. Appreciate. Tell me your bad awards.
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MY CALL: Looking for a film that has witches, murder, Lovecraftian vaginas, eyeball injections, the Necromonicon, and naked toad monsters? Well, depending my interpretation of what I saw in the melee of short films here you may be in for all that and more…all be it in small doses. These short films vary substantially in film, acting, gore, direction and writing quality. We get to taste a lot of stories and ideas and, if we don’t like one of the shorts after ten minutes, just wait ten more minutes for the next one to start. If you like anthologies then don’t miss this. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Some other fun, decent and/or clever anthologies include (in order of release date): Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Dark Side: The Movie (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), and the upcoming The ABC’s of Death (2012) and The Profane Exhibit (2012 or 2013).
A macabre-marionetted Udo Kier (Mother of Tears, Iron Sky) introduces the six unrelated stories of this anthology. I have provided an brief overview of each short film along with some opinions.
The Mother of Toads–directed by Richard Stanley (Hardware, The Profane Exhibit)
Wait a sec. I don’t remember my high school biology so well any more. How many “breasts” do toads have?
Vacationing in France, an American couple encounter an old lady (Catriona MacCall; The Beyond, City of the Living Dead) selling Lovecraftian earrings who claims to possess the Necronomicon. This clichéd creepy old lady invites the boyfriend to her uber-occult home in the woods, transforms into a slimy yet hot naked witch (played by a porn star), date rapes him, and turns into a six-breasted toad monster that looks like The Creature from the Black Lagoon. MY CALL: I may have spoiled the story, but the wooden acting and blatantly random premise spoil the short film even more. Though, I must admit I found it entertaining. You find yourself asking questions like “why would he go to her house?”, “why would he stay in that creepy house when she CLEARLY fancies herself a witch?”, “who would ever accept a drink from someone who owns a Necronomicon!?!”, and finally “the Necronomicon is French!?!” It’s a TERRIBLE film but a REALLY good laugh.
Of course I’ll have a drink. You don’t strike me as suspicious at all!
I Love You–directed by Buddy Giovinazzo
Axle’s life is falling apart. He wakes up on the bathroom floor, has bruises and wounds he can’t explain, he looks awful and his wife is leaving him for another man. MY CALL: Pretty much a couple Germans who sort of speak English fluently trying to act in English…just get American or British actors!!! Making matters worse, this never felt like horror film until the very end, which features some handsome gore.
Wet Dreams–directed by Tom Savini (who did the make-up for loads of stuff)
Donnie has been having some troublingly graphic dreams of castration. His wife, Carla (Debbie Rochon; Tromaville Scream Queen), is getting tired of it. MY CALL: We get a few grins from lines like “Lovecraftian vagina” as well as some fine gore which allow us to forgive Tom Savini for forcing us to watch his stillborn attempts to act. This was really just a shock piece. But I enjoyed it for the mindless fun that it offered.
The Accident–directed by Douglas Buck (Sisters)
A mother and daughter come upon a fatal accident which provokes questions about death from the young girl. MY CALL: This is the only short in this anthology which attempts to send a real message. Death is addressed gracefully, the acting was decent and the filming and music were done very well. I have one complaint though: zero horror.
Vision Stains–directed by Karim Hussain (Ascension)
A woman murders vagrants and “extracts” their final visions as their lives flash before their eyes…literally, with a syringe. Then she injects the fluid into her own eyes so that she may experience them. MY CALL: This was clearly the coolest of the short films. The premise, while loaded with in your face nonsense/non-science, was interesting and the extraction and injection scenes were uniquely hard to watch–not for the feint. No joke!
Watching this was seriously hard!
Sweets–directed by David Gregory (Plague Town)
Estelle breaks up with her boyfriend Greg in this colorful binge of a film. MY CALL: Stylistic, weird and obsessively indulgent, with an art house theater appeal, alternating disgusting and sensual imagery, and a powerful duality. All in all, a little too strange and sociopathic even for my taste. Watching this felt like being trapped in the mind of a psychopath; a never ending WTF moment that was equal parts insane and genius.
This was a REALLY interesting mix and should interest horror fans and indie film fans alike. Some risky production was practiced in some and shockingly good writing emerges here and there. We get to taste a lot of stories and ideas and, if we don’t like one of the shorts after ten minutes, we just wait ten more minutes for the next one to start. If you like anthologies then don’t miss this.
Not a good alternate poster. I swear this anthology is worth it–despite this lousy-ass poster.
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The Best Underappreciated Movies of 2012 [part 2]
Mark presented a solid list of the best underappreciated movies of 2012. Several of my favorites were already listed, but I have managed to assemble a few more movies worth a solid nod for various little-considered reasons. Agree, disagree, whatever–just watch them. However, it should be noted that never has there been a year that I totally missed so many movies–so you are obviously just getting an account based on what I managed to see.
Looking for something in the horror genre that you haven’t seen yet? Sounds impossible, right? Wrong! This is it! Lovers of all franchises and single serving horror cones will thank me for this recommendation. This gets a general movie “A” and a horror movie “A+.” While Tucker and Dale vs Evil presented a similarly unorthodox stylization, this film rewrote the rules!
In recent decades guaranteed-grossing remakes, prequels and franchising sequels have flooded theaters in lieu of new ideas. The Cabin in the Woods offers an imaginative never-told story, cleverly acknowledges almost every horror icon and franchise on the market, and ultimately alleviates a genre that has desperately thirsted for originality. This Frankensteinian stitch-work horror transcends the genre and will perhaps never be successfully copied. Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of the title. Instead, be warned at how comfortingly familiar it feels and enjoy this metafilm.
https://moviesfilmsandflix.com/2012/04/20/the-cabin-in-the-woods-2012/
Wait–Giant Snake, Deadites…Kevin!?!
Not that I’m trying to force a political agenda, but this movie is more for the pro-Obama crowd. Or, at least, the anti-Palin camp. HBO has a strong resume when it comes to non-theatrical films (which have clear agendas) and continues to deliver golden screenplays chiseled to perfection by great actors.
http://theimmoralminority.blogspot.com/2012/12/authors-of-game-change-prepare-for.html
I’m voting for the folks on top!
I’ve included this film because I fear it will disappoint a lot of people for the wrong reason. Argo was advertised as an exciting rescue movie–bordering on a historical adventure loaded with situational comic relief. But there is really very little excitement and limited laughter, and certainly no sense of adventure.
http://www.flickeringmyth.com/2012/10/movie-review-argo-2012.html
They didn’t think it was funny either.
It’s really rather slow. But hidden in this slow-pacer is a constantly interesting historical mission with cool and risky details that never left me wondering where the action was…even though there was none.
Argo was plotty brilliance with an unusually skinny Ben Affleck and far fewer throat punches than American movie goers have come to expect. However, despite the lack of jugular judo chops, this was a truly memorable movie experience. Set your expectations appropriately and enjoy this well-crafted film.
This film was short, sweet and persistently effective, with some of the best blood work, tactfully sharp color-correction and beautiful filming of any zombie film since 28 Days Later and Zombieland. If you see one zombie movie this decade, make this it! (Unless you haven’t seen Zombieland yet–then watch that, too.)
http://benendsbasement.blogspot.com/2012/09/rec-3-genesis.html
A lot of attention was paid to earning the audience’s care for these characters. What did it for me? It had to be their adorably choreographed first dance. So much fun!!! I want that to be my first dance at my wedding!
There are loads of negative reviews out there about this movie. It seems that all such reviews are based on inconsistencies between this and the previous two REC films–especially the zombies’ behavior. So, folks…just stop doing that, get over your judgmental self (not that I’m typically any better), treat this movie as a stand-alone zombie film and enjoy!
The key word here is fun. Watching this movie was a BLAST! The plot (between the action scenes) can be slow to the point of weary, but it’s all worth the wait! Remember when you were younger and loved 80s and 90s action movies and then you got older and groaned at the inane plots and wooden acting while waiting for those poorly choreographed nostalgic fight scenes and one-liners that you loved? Well, this flick brings all of the 80s/90s-era action movie appeal with a budget, slightly better writing, EPIC fights and bigger explosions. Oh, wait, and it does it with your favorite action stars of the 80s and 90s!!!!!
REALITY CHECK: Van Damme is 52 years old. Dolph Lundgren is 55. And Stallone is 66—FYI, that’s Medicare-old. Holy shit are they still in scary-epic shape! Then, of course, there’s the aging Crews (44), Statham (45), Li (49), Couture (49), Willis (57), Norris (62) and Schwarzenegger (65)—who is reigniting his action-movie career!!! Back in the 80s we would’ve expected them to be firing shotguns from Hover’rounds by now and calling LifeAlert instead of their brothers-in-arms when they’re hit.
http://nerdbastards.com/tag/the-expendables-3/
Is this an ad for Lipitor, Rogaine, hormone therapy, Flomax or the latest enlarged prostate relief drug?
This is truly paramount among “movies for guys who like movies.” It’s an overdose of action filled with satirical classic one-liners, big biceps, large caliber weapons, huge explosions and tremendous sprays of gore as people are nearly liquefied when shot.
Dumb movie? Yes. Perhaps my favorite of 2012? ALSO YES!!!
Honorable Mention: Pitch Perfect
We’ve been inundated with dance movie sequels, Glee and other extra-curricular underdog-troupe movies, but this one was a MAJOR SURPRISE. The acting, writing, humor, casting and music were all quality and fun!
http://s1.zetaboards.com/L_Anon/topic/4943421/2/
Listen closely to this chick during the movie. She is hilariously disturbing.
I was dragged to this movie during my friends’ wedding week and couldn’t say no.
I ended up thanking them. So, here’s a “you’re welcome” in advance. Watch this!
Movies, Films & Flix 