Bad Movie Tuesday: The Big Bang
“Reality is a wave function. Sub atomic particles movie through liquid nitrogen that can go anywhere in the universe and entangle itself in a relationship.”
These are things you want to read in a book or hear in a film by Stanley Kubrick. However, these are not words you want to hear in a direct to DVD neo-noir with a 13% ranking on Rotten Tomatoes. Black holes, worm holes, doughnut holes and a confused looking Antonio Banderas are the themes of this film.
Something about this film told me it would be bad. I call it “Preview Sense.” I sensed the preview was attempting to hoodwink the audience into thinking it was a plucky noir with barely a mention of physics. My “preview sense” has taught me that if a movie is bad they give away everything in the trailer just to get audiences into the seats. For example, Dream House and The Double did this and both bombed commercially and critically.
Previews have been known to make action films out of drama period flicks. Also, a woman is suing the producers of the great film Drive because she said “the previews misrepresented the film.” The woman wanted more car chases. I’m happy she hasn’t gotten ahold of this film yet.
The preview is trying to hide that this is a movie where good actors slum in a bad movie and talk a lot while orange, blue and yellow lights bombard them. Hyper stylized movies rarely work. This movie seemed too stylized. I found two examples in the preview. The abundance of lighting gells and Sam Elliot saying:
“God is the wizard of Oz, he is the man behind the curtain and tomorrow I am yanking back that curtain.”
The moment I heard that quote I knew the film would put a soul hurting on me. So, obviously I had to watch and use it for Bad Movie Tuesday material.
This movie reminded me of the scene in Beerfest where Jay Chandrasekhar thinks he is the smoothest man alive. However, he is just incredibly drunk. I’m thinking this is the same thing that happened to the writer. He thought he was writing 2001 2.0 but he wrote Johnny Mnemonic 3.6.
The movie revolves around an imprisoned Antonio Banderas telling the story of how he was hired by a large Russian to find a woman. Along the way he meets various intellectuals, scientists, dwarves, rappers, waitresses and an angry James Van Der Beek.
I really do not remember the rest of the film. It all blends together in an a ball of “huh?” People talk, other people talk, Antonio Banderas talks….. The film is a whole lot of talking. If are making a direct to DVD noir film you should listen to Elvis and have “a little less conversation and a little more action.”
Teach yourself “Preview Sense.” It will save you time, money and sanity.
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Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: Great, must-see action sprinkled over two scoops of mediocrity. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: After seeing the first two of the franchise I’d say tap on the breaks, like Michael Bay should have. While the action stays up to snuff, the plot and humor just seem to get worse.
I just never found myself invested in the plot. Essentially, I just watched scene after scene waiting for the next cool action sequence. And there were plenty of those; just none of the fun (or funny) inter-action scenes that were so delightfully common in part one.
It’s a shame when such superior production value and effects are washed away in a sea of cheap tricks and mediocrity. Numerous attempts at cute humor feel forced and the general seriousness of the Transformer characters—which had such a strong foundation in the franchise opener—become somehow yet less credible than even Revenge of the Fallen’s goofy, urban-style twins. The already fantastic shift from vehicle to humanoid robot just doesn’t seem to be enough for the producers as part two featured a puma-shaped Transformer and now part three’s “sandworms” [aka, Decepticon Shockwave], a vulture-bot, and one that even looks like the Predator! Part one had some, too, but the scorpion Decepticon battle scene was pretty heavy, so I’ll forgive it. Now these “extra special” Decepticons seem a bit too common. We don’t need more than one or two new Transformers per sequel. Tap on the breaks a bit, Bay!
A few flavorful changes were welcomed. For example, Optimus Prime has adopted a phalanx-fighting style a la Troy’s Brad Pitt or 300’s Gerard Butler. A nosy Ken Jeong, an OCD John Malkovich and an ever-debonair Patrick Dempsey were also welcomed additions. The least welcomed: an overly annoying Frances McDormand.
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Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
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Horror Movie Remake Tournament of Doom-Part 6
It is finally here. The finale of the Tournament of Doom. This tournament has been two years in the making due to John taking an Eat Pray Love type trip to decide the winner. His decision might have been easier had I not vehemently pushed Wicker Man through the tournament.
Can the Invasion of the Body Snatchers beat The Thing? Will Evil Dead 2 survive Nic Cage and the Wicker Man?
Mark: Before I get into the intriguing match ups I just want to thank my girlfriend Megan for making such great tournament brackets. If it was up to me to make them I would have been pulling a Zoolander on my computer for hours and zero writing would have gotten done. Because of these brackets the world has been scratching their heads in frustration and adoration.
Mark: Invasion of the Body Snatchers had a tough run to the semifinals. It had to defeat Let Me In and Piranha 3D. John made a great point when he said “the only reason they had to remake Let the Right One In was because people didn’t want to read Norwegian.” Also, Piranha 3D is a film about underwater body snatching/eating. However, the 20 minute scene of carnage seemed too much to me.
John: In the spirit of good taste I constantly feel the need to inform any first-time readers that these brackets include the 1982 The Thing (not the latest The Thing) and the 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers (not the 1993 and 2007 re-remakes that were so bad that they changed the title to fool you into thinking it was something else).
Mark: You could imagine my face when sitting in theaters I found out that the 2007 Invasion was not a remake/sequel/prequel to Red Dawn.
Mark: Invasion‘s victories mean squat because it has no chance against The Thing. Orson Welles could have directed a script by Aaron Sorkin and it still would have lost to Russell and Company. The alien/thing would put a hurting so bad on the body snatchers they would have quit making remakes twenty years ago.
John: They should have stopped making body snatcher remakes twenty years ago. The first (1978) remake awesome, the others, crap.
Mark: I’m certain 99% of the populace would agree that The Wicker Man has overreached. However, those 99.9% don’t appreciate powder kegs of crazy. The one thing lacking about this film is that Nic Cage did not attach a chainsaw to the stump of his arm. Cage was committed to the crazy but he never gets Ash crazy. Also, the ladies burnt Cage alive in Wicker Man. Bruce “Ash” Campbell survived ghosts, demons, skeletons and supernatural forces. Evil Dead 2 is a classic for all the right reasons….Wicker Man is a classic because it is bad.
John: I will never advise anybody to watch The Wicker Man…like EVER. While I enjoyed parts of it, which were unintentionally hilarious, I feel that it would be irresponsible to suggest that someone endure such a poor horror movie (all be it a decent comedy, though).
Mark: I’m thinking the body snatchers would not want to get into Cage’s head. Actually, they become friends and start a band called Cage and the Body Snatching Troubadours.
Mark: After 64 movies, lots of soul-searching, zero sleep and endless screaming matches we have finally chosen the two best films. The Thing and Evil Dead 2. These two movies are not only the best remakes, they are the best in their genres. However, one of these films must walk away as the victor. Who will it be?
John: Tough call, though. One is slapstick, the other is as serious as syphilis back before the advent of penicilin. Let’s break it down.
Mark: Evil Dead 2 propelled Bruce Campbell into super B-movie stardom and gave the world endless incredible quotes. I love this film and all that comes with it. I’ve owned three separate editions of this film and will continue to buy them until they deliver the Super Uber Extreme Director’s Cut of the Director’s Cut.
John: Agreed. Raimi also brought us the weirdest, creepiest, brow-raising stop-motion until Tool started making music videos. That over-the-shoulder head-rolling globetrotter of a zombie ballerina was way wacked out.
Mark: The Thing is not only one of the best horror films it is one of the most complete films ever made. I think it is perfection to the fullest. The tension created is second to none. Also, the practical effects and Kurt Russell’s beard are unmatched. You feel the cold, you dread the alien and you never want to shave again.
John: Agreed. Russell for President 2012.
Mark: Kurt Russell starred in Big Trouble in Little China. I’m thinking he could cause big trouble in actual China.
Mark: In the end, The Thing is too perfect to be denied. Evil Dead 2 put up a groovy fight but is no match for John Carpenter in his prime.
John: Let’s be real for a moment here. The moment you saw The Thing in the brackets, you had to know this was just going to be the 1919 World Series, right? We had a winner before we even had a competition. I can’t help but to wonder if future remakes will ever stand up to 1982–29 years ago.
Thanks for checking out our tournament. It has been a huge success and we enjoyed every second of it. Stayed tuned next week when John and I debate about who would win in a fight. Cary Elwes in Princess Bride VS. Charlie Sheen in Hot Shots Part Deux
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Attack the Block
Attack the Block is a unique vision by a unique guy. Very rarely does an interesting little horror flick like this come along from a robbery. The director Joe Cornish was robbed by some young hoodies and he remembered how scared they look. This robbery lead him to wonder what they would do if aliens attacked.
The result is Attack the Block. The film focuses on a group of teenage English hoodies who do battle with bear/wolf/gorilla aliens.
What I like about this film is that the characters are not afraid of these aliens. When they see the aliens landing on earth they go on the offensive. However, they are still young kids who may act adult but when it comes down to it they are still young punks in over their heads.
Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and Scott Pilgrim) is one of the producers and you can feel his influence with the mixture of humor and horror. Nick Frost (Shaun, Fuzz) adds a welcome comical and familiar presence as a pot dealer with a heart of gold.
Attack the Block is worth the watch because it is something you’ve never seen before. In a world of remakes and sequels it is nice to see a director with unique/fresh ideas.
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Paranormal Activity 3 (2)
I appreciate these films because they managed to make hundreds of millions of dollars on micro-budgets. Originality and superb marketing have made this trilogy a money machine.
I’ve enjoyed all three of these films but they’ve never wowed me. I love the concept and execution but I think they’ve never been the best in the genre.
The third film did what was necessary to refresh the series but I feel it was a slight misstep. Horror movies now a days feel the need to explain why evil happens. In the original Halloween Michael Myer’s evil was never explained. That is why the movie is so beloved. Rob Zombie remade Halloween and tried to explain the evil of Myers. I really disliked that movie. The unknown is scarier than a little guy with family problems.
This film gives the demon a name. I will not give anything away but it takes away from the mystery. Moriarty is a classic villain because Sherlock Holmes could never figure him out. The film Alien was so scary because you didn’t know what it was….and neither did the crew.
The biggest problem most people had with the first two films is that the male leads were alpha turds who didn’t take the situation seriously. The man in this film is a great guy who wants to protect his family and figure out what is happening in his house. You become invested in the family because you like them.
I’m pretty amazed at the wonderful performance of the two little girls in this film. The directors managed to get youthful/natural/mature performances out of them without compromising them like The Exorcist did to Linda Blair.
Paranormal Activity 3 did what was necessary to revive a series. However, in the process it managed to erase an intriguing mystery.
Check out John’s excellent in-depth review here
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Tokyo Shock: Psycho Gothic Lolita
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: All in all, this was a disappointing and shockless Tokyo Shocker. It falls short of the goretastic silliness of its predecessors. It’ll provoke a few ridiculous laughs, but you may not have the patience to watch the whole thing. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: You should check out my Beginner’s Guide to Tokyo Shock Cinema for some good pointers on navigating this movie odd subgenre. A safe start would be Tokyo Gore Police. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Alien vs Ninja. TRAILER: here it is.
Normally I’d say: Folks, brace yourselves. These Tokyo Shocklets tend to have all the subtlety of a Thai whorehouse. There are so many scenes in these movies where you put on a big smile and think “that makes absolutely no sense” and love it! This made me smile, but way less than most movies of such ilk.
This one opens with some manner of casino, fight club, BDSM den where our star has come to execute the dome-y den mother for her sins. Naturally, everyone in the club is armed, on the boss lady’s payroll, and will fight to the death to defend her. I don’t know why she needs protecting, though. I mean, she’s a master of two-bladed skull-sword-thingy style. Our “Lolita” starlet, Yuki, is armed with an umbrella-spear and wears some sexy Hot Topic leather boots.
Yuki’s father is a wheelchair-bound Catholic priest who helps her avenge her mother’s death. How? By ripping off Whistler from Blade. You see, Yuki is killing off members of a caped cadre of baddies that killed mom and crippled dad. The second baddie is apparently a perverted chemistry teacher. His fighting style: Telekinetic Seated Mop! After him, it’s a one-eyed schoolgirl-chic-ette with bladed pistols and a sunny disposition.
By now you’re probably wondering where the “Psycho” demon-hybrid chick from the DVD cover is going to show up. Bummer alert! Not ‘til the end.
For the subgenre, I quickly noticed that the martial arts in this are about as good as they get in this subgenre—which isn’t great. But the gore and villains are noticeably less innovating. Compared to Tokyo Gore Police this falls short by about 100 gallons of arterial spray and 100 pounds of rubber guts and disembodied limbs. There were also no goofy prosthetics until the final demon scene. All in all, this was a disappointing Tokyo Shocker.
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Horror Movie Remake Tournament of Doom-Part 5
Mark: House of Wax, When a Stranger Calls and Black Christmas put me to sleep.
John: If only they had remade WaxWorks. That could have been a lot of fun.
Mark: They say “don’t throw rocks in a house of glass.” I say “don’t put Paris Hilton in a House of Wax.”
Mark: The Hills Have Eyes was an extremely effective remake. The scene with the dude flipping the axe was badass.
John: Sounds like you liked The Hills Have Eyes a lot. So did I. I guess when they called the TKO in favor of The Wicker Man I was out of town and you were still asleep from watching Black Christmas.
Mark: The fight was a draw until they watched this clip:
Mark: The battle between The Hitcher and Fright Night was an easy one to decide. The Hitcher is not great. However, it features one cool scene where Sean Bean destroys six cars and a helicopter in 30 seconds. I remember being totally bored but that scene caught my attention. It is amazing how 30 seconds make a film worth watching.
John: Not a lot of talent here. I would have enjoyed a cat fight between Prom Night and Sorority Row, though. If the coach for Sorority Row had just started Carrie Fisher, she would have taken out Colin Farrell (Fright Night‘s best player)
Mark: Fright Night rocked like a category 2 hurricane. Too bad it had to battle Nic Cage going crazy. Nobody wins against Cage. Unless he is riding a bicycle through a bee hive.
Mark: Right now you wondering “Wicker Man?….Why?” Many will disagree but I love this film. It is a powder keg of Nic Cage craziness. Sure other remakes might be better but none of them feature Nic Cage in a bear suit.
John: If you ask me, the only reason that The Wicker Man should have been here would be to burn in effigy! I don’t care if the bear suit scene where he punches a chick in the head was awesome. The hour-plus leading up to that felt like I was strapped to a chair in Hostel. Funny Games should have owned it. Twisted, oddly but well-written, great actors who do a good job…TWISTED!!!!
Mark: The Wicker Man is like the Christmas where you finally got the Red Rider BB gun. You anticipate it, you dream of it and finally on Christmas morning you tear off the wrapping and you see the new BB gun. I sat down watching Mr. Wicker with high hopes and it delivered.
Check out Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4.
The exciting conclusion will be coming soon!
Comment, Comment, Comment!
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Horror Movie Remake Tournament of Doom-Part 4
John: Whoa! Look at that. It’s like they put Roger Federer right at the top of the bracket against a bunch of high schoolers. Look at how Evil Dead 2 just cascades down, cresting that business, like someone called “waterfall” in a frat house game of Asshole. Just owning it! I want Bruce Campbell tested for steroids.
Mark: Is there a steroid called “groovy?”
Mark: Has there ever been a worse remake than The Fog? I remember watching this movie but I remember nothing that happened. Are there ghosts in the fog? what if you have an industrial strength fan?
John: Are there ghosts in The Fog? Not sure. What about telephone lines and radio waves? None that matter.
John: Oh no. I guess Pulse couldn’t hold its own against Jason Voorhees with its electrical tape.
Mark: I’ve watched both of those films as well yet I couldn’t tell you a single thing about the plots. They need to make The Pulse vs. Jason Voorhees. The movie would consist of the pulse thingies trying to put a blu-tooth on Jason’s ear so they can pulse him via phone.
John: Man. The Blob, even the remake, is a solid classic. And the new Dawn of the Dead beats it? Really? Oh–Hell, who am I to judge? I guess it’s hard to inspire people to root for some amorphous, acidic, mindless, pink mess that just wants to absorb them.
Mark: I was hoping The Blob had more of a charcter arc for the blob. It changes it’s evil amorphous ways and begins to let kids bounce on it. It absorbs bullies and old people who try to sneak a bounce though.
Mark: I wish The Crazies would have moved further. It was a decent little flick and you can’t deny the Olyphant. The Romero remakes on this list are super solid. I’m thinking Romero remakes are better than Romero’s recent stinkers. Diary of the Dead put my soul in a headlock.
John: I realize that when two losers face off, one of them gets to be a winner. But I’m still upset that Willard won “anything,” even if it was against Shutter. We need more zombie remakes to fill some of these deplorable gaps in talent.
Mark: A battle of the deads! I know Evil Dead 2 is a sequel/remake/hybrid but I had to include it on the list. The new Dawn of the Dead is a solid remake as well. I love the opening with Johnny Cash and the shooting of zombies who look like celebrities was funny. Dawn is nothing like its predecessor yet still brings the thrills However, it wasn’t much of a challenge. Nothing can defeat Bruce “the chin” Campbell.
We hope you haven’t missed anything yet. So be sure to check out the last two brackets (click here and here) and the initial tournament breakdown. And don’t forget you can use this cinematic kumite to mediate arguments on which movie to rent on Halloween. Just consult the brackets, assess the strength of schedule, and then bitch that there’s no play-off system–just like NCAA Division-I football!
Mark: Check out the Horror Movie Football Team.
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The Thing (2)
A day after watching this I can say that I don’t have any ill will towards the film. The Thing (2011) in no way matches the The Thing (1982). However, you like the main characters Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Joel Edgerton and the movie moves along at a nice Norwegian pace.
The biggest problem I have with the film is that it is too clean. The movie looks like it was shot on a set. The wardrobes are too J-Crew and the CGI takes away from the grime of the original. The Thing (1982) made you feel cold, isolated and tense. This film makes you realize how great the original is.
Also, according to this film Antarctica is not that cold and snow looks like styrofoam. There is a scene in the film where Winstead runs out into the cold without a jacket yet seems perfectly fine. I know this is a minor point but wouldn’t the filmmakers have thought about this. It would have made the scene more tense if she risked her life to warn others. The scene could have been entertaining. However, it made me shrug.
Watch this film, enjoy the Norwegians, do not compare it to the original.
Check out Johns review of The Thing here.
Movies, Films & Flix 