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The Perfection is a fun horror movie that goes for broke with its gore and twists that are simultaneously unpredictable and predictable (trust me). Director/writer Richard Shepard (Girls, The Matador – watch it now, it’s fun) recruited Allison Williams (Get Out), whom he directed in HBO’s Girls, and together they went for broke, and made a film that is getting lots of buzz for making people vomit. What I like most about The Perfection is how you never really care about where it’s going, because the journey is so bonkers. Writers Nicole Snyder and Eric C. Charmelo (both have written episodes for Supernatural and Ringer), should be appaluded for devsing this weird story, and juggling twists-and-turns featuring femme fatales, sex, vomit, flashbacks and horrible bus rides.
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The Perfection tells the story of a cellist named Charlotte Willmore (Allison Williams) traveling to Shaghai to reunite with her former teachers. While in Shanghai, she is asked to help judge a competition that will award a young cellist with a scholarship to a prestigious music school in Boston, that is owned by Charlotte’s former teacher Anton (Stephen Webber). While at the competition she meets Lizzie (Logan Browning), the schools latest rockstar. The two hit it off, and after a wild night, decide to take a trip across China together. What follows leads to some gnarly and trashy places that you will either love or hate.
The Perfection knows exactly what it is (a trashy horror film) and it has fun being what it is. The performances by Allison Williams and Logan Browning are excellent, and I admire how they seemed down for whatever Richard Shepard came up with. Normally, I’d go into spoiler territory, but since I knew nothing about the movie beforehand, I recommend you do the same. Don’t cheat yourself out of a roller-coaster of a film because a twist was spoiled.
If you are a fan of fun horror films that might be smarter than they let on, I totally recommend you watch The Perfection.
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MY CALL: A terrible yet terribly amusing B-movie that has nothing at all directly to do with Dungeons & Dragons despite its misleading title. MOVIES LIKE The Dungeonmaster: Do you like this 80s fantasy badness? How about Flash Gordon (1980), Sorceress (1982), Thor the Conqueror (1983), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983), The Devil’s Sword (1984), The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984), Barbarian Queen (1985), Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987) and Kull the Conqueror (1997). Like all the 80s fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”? Then perhaps aim for Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988).
This “allegedly” PG-13 film (according to my DVD box set anyway) features some ample full-frontal nudity in just the first few minutes! I’ll bet some preteens in the early 80s got one Hell of a pleasant surprise with that! I’m reminded of the classic Of Unknown Origin (1983), which opened with a breasty Shannon Tweed shower scene after not even one full minute (i.e., 0:00:59) of running time.
Our lucky dreamer Paul (Jeffrey Byron) is about to bed his very naked dream girl (Gina Calabrese; Vicious Lips) when a gang of zombie orcs drag her away. FYI, this has absolutely nothing to do with the plot—just a raunchy dream sequence for the sake of a raunchy dream sequence. Upon awakening from this fantasy, we find Paul is a computer programmer phenom living with his sultry dancer girlfriend Gwen (Leslie Wing; The Frighteners, Strangeland) who is a tad jealous of his relationship with his talking computer CAL.
Seeking a worthy opponent, the evil wizard Mestema (Richard Moll; House, Evilspeak, The Sword and the Sorcerer) pulls Paul into fantasy-land and holds Gwen hostage until Paul completes seven challenges of sorcery against technology. This quasi-anthology film actually features seven different directors (for the seven challenges) who all went on to great success in B-movies. It’s a shame there is no real success to be found here.
Rosemarie Turko (Scarred) directs the segment “Ice Gallery”, in which we find lackluster historical figures brought to life. A ghoulie king sends his undead minions to attack Paul in John Carl Buechler’s (Cellar Dweller, Friday the 13th Part VII, Ghoulies go to College) segment “Demons of the Dead.” Paul thwarts the demons using his computer as a laser-shooting Nintendo Power Glove, which he’d then use to disintegrate a hair band in Charles Band’s (Parasite, Doctor Mordrid, Hideous!, Meridian, Puppet Master: The Legacy) segment “Heavy Metal.”
Speaking generally, the effects suck. But honestly, the special effects weren’t all that bad for 1984… well, for a 1984 B-movie. But the action was laughably terrible. The writing, however, is deplorable. Everything is very brief, with even the action fleeting. Just snippets really; ideas of scenes realized on-screen for a few moments… like the laser fight with the stop-motion giant in David Allen’s (Puppet Master II, and the visuals for The Howling, The Stuff, Ghoulies II, Subspecies, Puppet Master 1-5) segment “Stone Canyon Giant.” Although Steven Ford’s (actor in Starship Troopers, Contact) segment “Slasher” was surprisingly developed compared to the other shorts in terms of story, it was among the worst in terms of action/horror execution.
Then Paul basically engages in a laser-crystal snowball fight with a goblin in Peter Manoogian’s (Seed People, Arena, Demonic Toys) segment “Cave Beast.” And yes, the 4’ tall goblin is the “cave beast.” Yawn. And in Ted Nicolaou’s (Subspecies 1-4) segment “Desert Pursuit” Paul and Gwen have a soapbox derby a Mad Max-ian apocalypse.
Before we resolve the seven challenges with the wizard, can we just bring to question that I have no idea where our evil wizard came from, or why we call him dungeon master in the title. Apparently the rise of Dungeons & Dragons superseded any sense of inclusion in the script.
So what makes this a bad movie? Here are a few clues:
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Full frontal nudity in the very first scene. Like, LOTS of bushy nudity. #MPAAratingFAIL
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An evil wizard who gets handsy with Gwen. But, I guess if you saw her “classy” dance rehearsal, you might not be so surprised.
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Clumsy zombie orcs. Zombies or orcs make good wizard minions. But why zombie orcs? #OrcFAIL
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Artificial intelligence so advanced it’s silly. Paul was hitting buttons while out for a job to control traffic lights… which weren’t even connected to any main computer hub in the 80s! CAL also does research exactly as you’d ask SIRI today… but before the internet existed! So where is CAL culling all this data…? Sounds like sorcery to me. Perhaps Paul had this wizard duel coming.
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Laser fights with stone giants. I mean, if you’re going to go to the trouble to animate a 20’ tall stop-motion stone giant, then why would you make his big move a gemstone laserbeam? #GiantFAIL
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Ghoulie kings. Who doesn’t like Ghoulies (1985)?
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Under-utilized ice werewolves. For real, there’s a frozen werewolf that subsequently is animated, and all it basically does is turn its head toward Gwen. Menacing!!!!
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An evil heavy metal band. Because all heavy metal was evil in the 80s… and 90s.
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A cartoon battle between two dragons… that was complete crap compared to the flying Manticore battling a wizard’s face in Sorceress (1982).
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Offering Paul a pile of gold and a threesome in exchange for Gwen. Joke’s on you Mestema! He threw away those dreams when he chose that sultry dancer!
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Heavy use of dwarves. And this isn’t a joke. Dwarves are used as a novelty as if they’re funny in many of the segments. It’s juts crass.
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Futuristic apocalypse vehicles represented by wooden panel-bottomed go-karts. You actually see the wooden bottom when one of them flips over. LOL
Well, that’s it. That’s the movie… if we’re calling it a “movie.” It measures up more closely to a “scene salad” of haphazardly realized ideas with a gropy arcanist and some boobs. Horrible movie, but truth be told, kind of fun anyway.
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The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about the incredibly obscure 1993 horror film Ticks. If you are a fan of squishy sound effects, deadly arachnids and practical special effects you will love this episode. In this episode, you will hear us talk about evil marijuana dealers, giant bugs, and the effects of steroids on ticks. We had a great time talking about this movie because it’s an unknown gem that is light on story, but heavy on juicy practical monsters created by legends Greg Nicotero, Robert Kurtzman and Howard Berger.
The poster is legit.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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Triple Threat (2019), this is The Expendables (2010) of Asian martial arts movie stars.
MY CALL: The Expendables (2010) brought our favorite action stars together on one screen. And like The Expendables (2010), this movie was a precious experience but the cast was far better than the content. MOVIES LIKE Triple Threat: For truly great Asian martial arts and/or gritty hard-R crime action, aim for Hard-Boiled (1992), Ong-Bak (2003), The Protector (2005), Undisputed 2 (2006), Blood and Bone (2009), The Raid: Redemption (2011) , The Raid 2 (2014), Kill Zone 2 (2015) and The Night Comes for Us (2018); followed by Kill Zone (2005), Chocolate (2009), Skin Trade (2014), Boyka: Undisputed IV (2016) and Paradox (2017; aka Sha Po Lang 3).
When a wealthy heiress Xiao Xian (Celina Jade; Wolf Warrior 2, Skin Trade, Arrow, The Man with the Iron Fists) is marked for death, a team of mercenaries band together to combat the assassins out to kill her. The bad guy assassins include Deveraux (Michael Jai White; Skin Trade, Blood and Bone, Undisputed 2, Accident Man), Mook (JeeJa Yanin; The Protector 2, The Kick, Raging Phoenix, Chocolate), Collins (Scott Adkins; Boyka: Undisputed IV, Doctor Strange, Ninja: Shadow of a Tear, The Expendables 2, Universal Solder: Day of Reckoning, El Gringo, Assassination Games, Hard Target 2) and Joey (Michael Bisping; Den of Thieves, xXx: Return of Xander Cage).
Our good guys who unite to combat the team of double-crossing mercenary assassins are Payu (Tony Jaa; Paradox: Sha Po Lang 3, Ong-Bak, The Protector, Skin Trade, Kill Zone 2, Furious 7), Long Fei (Tiger Hu Chen; Man of Tai Chi, John Wick: Chapter 3) and Jaka (Iko Uwais; The Night Comes for Us, The Raid: Redemption, Merantau, Beyond Skyline).
At this point I feel the need to pause. If the cast alone hasn’t excited you about this movie, then you definitely shouldn’t watch it. Not simply because it’s an all-star martial arts cast. But because the cast felt under-utilized.
The writing is… not good. Hahaha. Not sure what you expected. But I was not expecting numerous attempts (written in for Michael Jai White) to capture Schwarzeneggerian one-liners and Clint Eastwood-ish veteran-to-rookie comments. And like a Schwarzenegger-era action movie, there is no shortage of exaggerated characters, cigars at times when no one would be smoking cigars, and impressive pyrotechnics. Like a fiery pinata convention—set-destroying gunfights, blood-spewing exit wounds and dusty explosions abound.
Director Jesse V. Johnson (The Debt Collector, Accident Man, The Fifth Commandment) is no stranger to gritty crime films, martial arts movies or the regular use of stunt-fighter extraordinaire Scott Adkins. With a sunt-heavy resume himself, Johnson delivers exciting combat.
The action in this movie is brutal, but not to such sensationalized degree as The Night Comes for Us (2018)—in which the camera fawned over every grueling moment at the most visceral angles. Still, though, this is brutal. Even if brutality is not the focus of the shot, I will admonish that, at one point, a bad guy explodes on-screen into a gloriously gooey mess. One abruptly quick throat-cut early in the movie had me shocked and scrambling for the remote to hit rewind.
Our first real martial arts exchange is between Tony Jaa and Iko Iwais. It was very brief, but with it I found great comfort in the action photography, the (perhaps complete) lack of wirework and unchoppy editing. When we later find our mercenaries in a local Asian fighting arena making some quick cash, we get a better taste of the action-style of this film, which is highly practical and makes no superheroes of its martial artists. At times you may miss the Tasmanian Devil-like whirlwinds of somersaults, corkscrew flairs, 20-foot leaps, aerial cartwheels and jump spin 720 hook kicks. But this movie makes these men appear a more credibly outstanding. So you’ll be very entertained. You just won’t be screaming at the screen like you were when you watched The Night Comes for Us (2018), The Raid: Redemption (2011) , The Raid 2 (2014) or Kill Zone 2 (2015).
That said, there are not as many hand-to-hand fights as you were probably expecting, and they are also much shorter than you probably wanted. We do see Iwais fight Jaa, Chen, Yanin, and Jai White; and then Adkins vs Jaa, Chen/Iwais vs Jai White, and Jaa/Iwais vs Adkins. They’re all “very good” fights. But none of them spectacular. You’ll gasp and say “awesome”, but you won’t lose your mind and get up out of your seat like watching a half-court shot as the clock runs out.
This wasn’t epic… but it was very good. I recommend it, but I won’t scream for you to buy it as I would for The Night Comes for Us (2018), The Raid: Redemption (2011) or Kill Zone 2 (2015).
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Crawlers (1993; aka Contamination .7), perhaps the worst killer tree movie in the market.
MY CALL: This movie is terrible. I was so bored… MORE MOVIES LIKE Crawlers: Watch Ticks (1993) or Mosquito (1994) if you want to see radioactive nature turn on mankind in a really fun B-movie. The Happening (2008), Seed People (1992), The Guardian (1990) and Evil Dead (2013) aren’t the only films boasting trees you wouldn’t want in your front yard… but they’re all way better than Crawlers!
Josie (Mary Sellers; Stage Fright, Ghosthouse) returns to her hometown after a long absence and her timing couldn’t possibly be worse. The IMDB summary tells it all: “People from a small town are attacked by evil radioactive tree roots growing in the forest.” This is dangerously honest. Because it’s just the roots!
Directors Fabrizio Laurenti (Witchery) and veteran Joe D’Amato (Zombi 5)—neither of whom have their real names attached to this film—team up to make this incredibly uninspired 90s video-era horror complete with horrendous writing, awful acting, and almost nothing interesting happening on-screen. It’s quintessentially everything that was wrong with horror in the 90s.
Lame POV shots scuttling through the weeds may garner anticipation of some hokey B-movie fun, but the best you’ll find is a being dragged across the forest floor and you won’t even see what’s doing the dragging (i.e., the evil roots). In fact, even when the locals discover the body of a victim, it just looks like someone tossed some dirt on the actress as she played dead with not even a drop of fake blood to be found—not until the coroner scene when we find a laughable wound on her face.
The “better” effects show more lackluster root-inflicted wounds. We’ll eventually see some cursory (aka, craptastic) attacking-root effects akin to a bad actor being constricted by a rubber snake and, subsequently, some choppy stop-motion roots in terrible attack scenes. Most of the effects boil down to someone swinging a root prop (off-camera) at the actor (on-screen). There was a weak effects scene (but the best in the movie) in which a root penetrates someone’s eye. The scene used a latex head prop and wasn’t impressive… but if there was ten times more it would have made this so much more watchable, silly and even enjoyable. Sigh.
It’s truly illustrative of how abysmally low the budget must have been (I’m guessing whatever was in the directors’ wallets) that there were so few gore scenes (even crappy ones), and that our man-eating radioactive tree monsters were reduced to flailing rubber tendrils. Sad. Just sad. I’d send them a check if it meant getting an evil tree face eating a screaming victim.
This is far from any manner of fun B-movie quality and royally boring. Don’t watch it.
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The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about Jason X and the Friday the 13th remake. We’re big fans of the franchise, so we did a ton of research so we could come up with some amazing F13 facts that will most likely blow your mind. In this podcast, you will hear us talk about illegal pot dealing, whiskey drinking, wakeboarding and Jason’s archery skills. If you are a fan of the Friday the 13th franchise, you will love this episode.
The mecha suit in Jason X received mixed feelings.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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In honor of the success of John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum, we’ve decided to put together a list of well-dressed people fighting. We love the intense brawls in the John Wick world and appreciate how Keanu Reeves destroyed hundreds of henchmen while looking awesome in bullet-proof suits.
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What is the criteria? The only rule is that at least one person has to be wearing a suit and tie during the fight. It doesn’t matter if the suits are worn by the progatonist(s) or the antagonist(s), and it’s totally cool if the tie comes off during the fight. Basically, the scene needed only one tie and two people brawling.
Train Fight – From Russia With Love
This list could’ve been made up entirely of fights from James Bond movies, however, in an effort to shake things up I only picked one fight. The decision was easy, I had to pick the Bond (Sean Connery) vs. Red Grant (Robert Shaw) fight aboard the train in From Russia With Love. It is a close-quartered brawl that leaves Bond dripping with sweat and blood after he defeats the well-matched Red. This fight set the standard for all Bond fights to come, and it might be my favorite Bond fight ever (aside from the beautiful Skyfall brawl)
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Neo vs. Agent Smith – The Matrix
Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) is one of the best dressed villains ever, and I love how he is never without his tailored suit. The subway fight in The Matrix was an absolute game changer, and I love the supersonic punching, concrete destruction (via fists) and look on Smith’s face when his glasses are broken by a well placed Neo (Keanu Reeves) punch. This fight will never get old, and I loved watching it again for this piece.
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The Brutal Bathroom Fight – Mission: Impossible – Fallout
What makes this fight works so well is how it uses every inch of the bathroom and features Tom Cruise and Henry Cavill getting the crap beat out of them. You’d think since they’re such big stars, they wouldn’t be cool with getting destroyed by the awesome henchman (Liang Yang needs more work!). However, they let him come across as an absolute badass who gives them all they can handle. If you are looking for one of the best fights in recent memory, you should watch this fight.
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Hugh vs. Colin – Bridget Jones Diary
This isn’t a “good” fight. However, it is a very fun fight featuring two men who don’t know how to fight. The fight between Daniel (Hugh Grant) and Mark (Colin Firth) is refreshing because of the escalating violence and terrified looks on their men’s faces. Also, I love that after Firth throws the first punch, Hugh says “F**k me that hurt!” Sounds about right!
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Anchor Fight – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
The news anchors don’t look as suave as James Bond or John Wick, but they look great while fighting each other. It’s insane how several people die (trident!) during the course of the melee, and it makes me wonder if Brick (Steve Carell) is able to conjure items out of thin air. What makes this fight work so well is how it escalates quickly and isn’t afraid to bring in horses, large nets and grenades to make people laugh.
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Bar Brawls and Manners: Kingsman: The Secret Service
What I love about this fight is how it establishes Harry Hart (Colin Firth) as a dapper badass who is all about manners AND fisticuffs. Also, The Kingsman are all about their tailored suits, so I had to add this scrap to the list. My biggest issue is the wasting of the beer throughout the fight, some premium lager and Guiness are wasted.
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Hallway Fight – Inception
Forget about the amazing technicality of this fight, and just focus on the sweet suits that costume designer Jeffrey Kurland created for the film. I love this fight so much because aside from John Wick and James Bond movies, you never really get to see daper people beating the snot out of each other. So, kudos to director Chirstopher Nolan, and Joseph Gordon Levitt for going the extra mile to entertain audiences.
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Bar Fight – Legend
If I was in this bar I would’ve run away…or at least tried to. Why? The idea of fighting two Tom Hardys sounds horrible. I love the monologues before the fight, and I love how the two Hardys destroy about eight gangsters with ease. At the end of the fight, the narrator says “They never stood a chance against my beautiful Reggie.” The narrator was right, the blokes in the bar never stood a chance.
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Crazy 88 Fight – Kill Bill: Vol. 1
I love this fight because it features geysers of blood (450 gallons worth) spraying everywhere. I dislike this fight because so many beautiful suits are destroyed. I feel really bad for the tailor who crafted all the suits because a lot of their work was wasted. However, the Crazy 88 gang looks awesome, and their battle with The Bride (Uma Thurman) is a thing of horrible beauty. Thank you Quentin Tarantino for creating such a great looking brawl.
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Door Kick – The Transporter
This fight made the list because I love the door kick that Frank Martin (Jason Statham) unleashes to kick everything off. Throughout the franchise he beats up many people while looking awesome, but, I have to go with this moment because it kicked everything off (I had to say it again…) and proved the guy had some serious fighting chops. Also, how did he know when the guy would look through the peephole? Actually, I don’t care, because it’s such a cool moment.
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Iko Uwais vs. Joe Taslim – The Night Comes for Us
The Night Comes for Us is one of my favorite action films, and I love how Iko Uwais and Joe Taslim unleashed holy hell on many unfortunate henchman. The Night Comes for Us is one of the most brutal action movies I’ve ever seen, and my favorite moment is the climatic fight between Uwais and Taslem. It’s a brutal brawl that leaves both men bloody and beaten, however, Uwais looks great throughout because of his suit.
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Which fights would you add? We’d love to know.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast #195: Youngblood, Cinematic Hockey and Breakfast for Dinner
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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The movie has a stacked cast.
The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about Youngblood, a 1986 hocky film starring Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze. This R-rated hockey flick is a mixture of Rocky, Star Wars and Slapshot, as it features a mixture of fighting, farming and more fighting. In this episode, you will hear us talk about hockey fights, Keanu Reeves, and the negatives of eating pancakes for dinner. If you are a fan of obscure cult classics about hockey, you will love this episode.
I’d love to have Swayze as a mentor who teaches me hockey.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Depp’s character is always hiding behind people.
The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about 1999’s Sleep Hollow, the Tim Burton directed movie that is beautiful to look at. The movie still looks amazing 20 years later, and it totally deserved the Oscar win for its wonderful art and set direction. Throw in the Colleen Atwood costume design, and Emmanuel Lubezki cinematrography, and you have one of the best looking movies of the last 20 years. In this episode, you will hear us talk about tubes of death, pumpkin throwing and people looking great in wigs. If you are a fan of Sleepy Hollow, you will love this episode.
Told you.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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John’s Horror Corner: Tales from the Crypt, Season 1 (1989), a wonderful horror anthology series that keeps it light.
MY CALL: Even watching it again 30 years later, this is still my favorite horror anthology series. The tone is generally light, the cast and director line-up will conjure wonderful nostalgia (beyond the horror genre), and the stories are cheekily executed.
MORE HORROR ANTHOLOGIES: Dead of Night (1945), Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), The Uncanny (1977), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Deadtime Stories (1986), Creepshow 2 (1987), After Midnight (1989), Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990), Two Evil Eyes (1990), Grimm Prairie Tales (1990), The Willies (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Campfire Tales (1997), Dark Tales of Japan (2004), 3 Extremes (2004), Creepshow 3 (2006), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013), V/H/S 2 (2013), The Profane Exhibit (2013), The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), V/H/S Viral (2014), Southbound (2015), Tales of Halloween (2015), A Christmas Horror Story (2015), The ABCs of Death 2.5 (2016), Holidays (2016), Terrified (2017; aka Aterrados, which is a pseudo-anthology), Oats Studios, Vol. 1 (2017), Ghost Stories (2017), XX (2017) and The Field Guide to Evil (2018).
Tales from the Crypt (1989-1996) has always been my favorite horror anthology series. It has everything I could ever want: horror, satire, fun twists, a diversity of stories and styles and tones, an outstanding array of directors and guest stars, and a perfect host. The Crypt Keeper (John Kassir; Smothered) brings hilarious, candor to our episode introductions, and likewise closes each episode with puns thematic to the story. I love his Santa suit in the opening of And All Through the House, and when he electrocutes himself, giggling and gagging all the while, at the end of The Man Who Was Death.
The themes are broad and include taxidermy, holiday horror, mental patient lunatics, the death penalty, resurrection, voodoo and murderous obsession. And whereas Black Mirror (2011-2017; 4 seasons) focuses its allegory on our potential trajectories misusing, overusing, or addicting to technology and/or social media and the stories all seem take place somewhere in the near to distant future, Tales from the Crypt enjoys the simplicity of basic sins like greed (And All Through the House, Lover Come Hack to Me, Dig That Cat), pride (The Man Who Was Death) and wrath (Collection Completed), told with feisty flare in a more low-brow atmosphere.
Season 1 comprises only six episodes. Let’s review them without spoilers as I’m hoping to turn some horror fans to this old show…
Directed by Walter Hill (Undisputed, Bullet to the Head), The Man Who Was Death was the premiere episode about a death row executioner (William Sadler; Bordello of Blood, Demon Knight) who found avocational means to continue his duties after being laid off by the prison—with Gerrit Graham (CHUD II, Chopping Mall, It’s Alive III) among his victims. The story’s narration (by the executioner himself), the trajectory and the ultimate twist embrace the most classic sense of The Twilight Zone (1959-1964) while infusing it with dark humor, increased horror and satire.
And All Through the House (directed by Robert Zemeckis; What Lies Beneath, Death Becomes Her, Back to the Future) tells the unfortunate holiday tale of a scheming spouse (Mary Ellen Trainor; Scrooged, The Monster Squad) who murders her husband (Marshall Bell; Total Recall, Stand By Me, A Nightmare on Elm Street part 2) on Christmas Eve with a giggly wacky escaped mental patient (Larry Drake; Dr. Giggles, Darkman) in a Santa Claus outfit making his way to her home. And with her young daughter in the house, there’s plenty of room for dark humor and dire scenarios. This delightful episode was based on the Tales from the Crypt (1972) segment of the same name.
Then in Dig That Cat…He’s Real Gone (directed by Richard Donner; Superman I-II, The Omen, Lethal Weapon 1-4), Ulric “the Undying” (Joe Pantoliano; The Goonies, The Matrix, Bad Boys I-II, The Sopranos) procures the nine lives of a cat, which he uses in a circus sideshow as he is drowned, hanged and killed every which way to entertain paying crowds with his manager (Robert Wuhl; Batman, Arli$$). This episode is among the corniest in execution, but it features a great concept and a fun feisty atmosphere.
A prostitute (Lea Thompson; Jaws 3-D, Howard the Duck, Back to the Future) sells her “beauty” to a voodoo-savvy pawnbroker (Britt Leach; Silent Night, Deadly Night, Weird Science) in Only Sin Deep (directed by Howard Deutch; Pretty in Pink, The Great Outdoors, The Replacements). This is probably the most straight-faced serious of the episodes.
Lover Come Hack to Me (directed by Tom Holland; Fright Night, Child’s Play, Thinner) features a wealthy woman (Amanda Plummer; Needful Things, The Prophecy) on her honeymoon with her young handsome fop (Stephen Shellen; The Stepfather). This is the only episode of the season I specifically did not like, despite being by far the bloodiest and featuring a wonderful director.
Collection Completed (directed by Mary Lambert; Pet Sematary 1-2) is easily the most ridiculous of the episodes, but also my favorite of season 1. Struggling to fill his time in retirement, a man (M. Emmet Walsh; Critters) is driven insane by his animal-loving wife (Audra Lindley; The Relic, Spellbinder) and her numerous pets. Detached from reality with a theatrical sort of melodrama, the restless husband finds peace by embracing his insanity with a new macabre hobby.
The product of a lower budget in this first season, special effects and make-up work are pretty mild outside of the Crypt Keeper himself. Fortunately, these horror vignettes don’t rely on gore or effects—they’re great without them!
Some may describe the writing as a bit hokey, but I’d say this is often clearly deliberate to cultivate a light mood. The performances by William Sadler (The Man Who Was Death) with his stylish narration, Larry Drake (And All Through the House) with his mangled teeth and googly eyes, Joe Pantoliano (Dig That Cat) and his buried alive realization, Mary Ellen Trainor (And All Through the House) with her delightful villainy and manic screams, and M. Emmet Walsh (Collection Completed) with his temperamental mania, all push their respective episodes to excellence. You can just feel how these actors were “going for it” with every moment they had before the camera.
If you’ve never seen this wonderful show, or simply haven’t seen it in decades, I implore you to give it a chance. And with only six episodes it feels like watching an anthology horror movie.
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