Bad Movie Tuesday: Transformations (1988; aka Alien Transformations), a mildly exploitative Sci-Horror B-movie about a gooey alien STD.
MY CALL: Every bit as silly and bad as the movie poster suggests. But this honestly is a very fun B-movie with good pacing and a lot going on, including several classic SciFi callbacks/riffs. Lots of boobage–but nothing morally reprehensible. MORE MOVIES LIKE Transformations: For films delving deeper (and far more seriously) into STD horror, consider Shivers (1975), Species II (1998), Contracted (2013) or It Follows (2015). For more low budget Sci-Horror, check out the following Alien/Aliens rip-offs: Contamination (1980; aka Alien Contamination), Alien 2: On Earth (1980), Scared to Death (1980), Galaxy of Terror (1981), Forbidden World (1982; aka Mutant), Inseminoid (1982; aka Horror Planet), Parasite (1982), Xtro (1983), Creature (1985; aka Titan Find), Star Crystal (1986), Creepazoids (1987), Blue Monkey (1987), Nightflyers (1987), Deep Space (1988), The Terror Within (1989), Shocking Dark (1989; aka Terminator 2, aka Aliennators), The Rift (1990), Xtro 2: The Second Encounter (1991), Dark Universe (1993) and Zombies: The Beginning (2007).
This is one of those films I’d never heard of until someone posted a random movie poster image on Twitter to perk my interest. So here I am going into this movie totally blind, save that one image…
The opening score is surprisingly inspired and it feels like the opening to a family-friendly science-fiction adventure film a la Star Wars (1977). The sets are of adequate quality as well considering a humble 80s budget. But once the dialogue starts, this film pulls the veil and lets you know it’s more B-movie than “film”—and it knows exactly what it is. Because you know what? B-movies are fun!
Not five minutes into the movie and a slimy insectoid and reptilian man-in-a-rubber-suit monster is skulking around Wolfgang’s (Rex Smith; Faerie Tale Theatre) spaceship only to reveal itself as a mysterious woman (Pamela Prati; Ironmaster)—appearing on his spaceship like an interstellar stripper-gram—who gets naked right away for their sex scene. But this isn’t just any cheap gratuitous nudity. No, sir! She starts to mutate mid-coitus into a beaked monster (i.e., mostly human with a few prostheses) covered in open sores. She’s like an anthropomorphized STD! Then she disappears, as if it was nothing more than a wet dream. And like a dream, that monster’s boobs will haunt us throughout the film. No, really. Flashbacks of boobs persist… like breasty PTSD.
The future seems cool. Medical bays have drinks with colorful swirly straws, cantina-bars filled with roughian criminals, and security personnel have a Star Wars-y look to them. Wolfgang crash lands on a prison mining colony/planet (like Enemy Mine?) Hephaestus-4. This world looks a lot like a hostile world in Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994).
Now Wolfgang is the horny infected with open wounds (or some malformation) on his back as he infects some woman in this penal colony. He looks like he has genital warts with an oozy discharge on his hands. This movie is gross. LOL.
Not much really happens between the opening lady/monster-sex scene and the very end in terms of special effects. There are some dumb side plots: Wolfgang agrees to help Miranda (Lisa Langlois; Happy Birthday to Me, The Nest) get off the planet; a devil-fearing priest (Patrick Macnee; The Howling, Waxwork) fears the arrival of a beast from the Abyss and thinks Wolfgang is the Devil; and miner-prisoners Calihan (Christopher Neame; Lust for a Vampire, Dracula AD 1972) and Antonia (Cec Verrell; Hell Comes to Frogtown) want to use his ship to escape their mining sentence.
That old guy’s pendant looks like a mix between Weyland Yutani and Star Trek.
And, is it me, or do these two prison miners look like two Colonial Marines?
The cheaply executed shots of spaceships feel almost deliberately comical and the dialogue is at least equally laughable. However, some shots using models were actually quite good for the time! Between the modelwork and the scoring, I feel like this B-movie received some serious care.
When he finally starts to transform Wolfgang’s hands become long and gangly like Nosferatu, he rips guts out of a goon’s back and his body pulsates and mutates. He then becomes a large, slow, clunky humanoid with a combination of scales and exoskeleton dripping in goo. His transformation reminds me of The Fly (1986). Sadly, it’s almost boring how easily this monster is defeated when it’s lit on fire. But at least it’s disgustingly gooey.
For his first and only feature film, director Jay Kamen succeeded in making a mildly exploitative B-movie. For those that care it features a typical repetitive dose of nudity, some violence against women (typical of the era), and surprisingly good pacing. I think most B-movie fans will enjoy this despite the more minimalist special effects. Sci-Horror fans delighting in cheap Alien/Aliens rip-offs will probably enjoy this even more.
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John’s Horror Corner: Apostle (2018), an inspired “folk horror” Netflix original about a remote pagan cult.
MY CALL: An inspired horror film worth any adventurous film-goers’ time, but boasting the sort of bonkers ending that didn’t really work for me (more in that it didn’t fit the film, in my opinion). However, for the very same reason it may just be the change of pace you’re seeking. MOVIES LIKE Apostle: For more recent folk horror try The Ritual (2017; podcast discussion), The Witch (2016; podcast discussion), The Village (2004), The Shrine (2010), or Salem (2014-2017). For more Netflix Original horror, try Gerald’s Game (2017) or The Babysitter (2017; podcast discussion). And if you seek interesting cult movies, consider The Sacrament (2014), Sound of My Voice (2012), Faults (2014) or The Endless (2017).
Sent overseas to recover his kidnapped sister in Finland(ia?), Thomas (Dan Stevens; The Guest, Legion) assumes his way onto the island of a questionable religious leader, his zealots and his promises of extreme God-fearing serenity. In less than a day Thomas witnesses unusual domestic bloodletting habits, hints of something possibly supernatural, and generally highly suspicious goings on. The year is 1905, but it may as well be 1605 with the cult’s almost viciously medieval law.
Tending to his “Goddess”-fearing flock, the Prophet Malcolm (Michael Sheen; Underworld 1-3) is a humble cult leader down to the typical blunt tropes but performed with a rich sharpness. Unusual circumstances find Thomas quite close to the prophet… for better or worse.
A few scenes mildly harken The Descent (2005) and even The Last Witch Hunter (2015) in flavor. But make no mistake, this film written and directed by Gareth Evans (The Raid 1-2, Merantau, V/H/S 2 – Safe Haven) resembles nothing I’ve seen before. And that is its greatest strength, followed by the excellently creepy atmosphere and outstanding performances by Stevens and Sheen. The entire cast served the premise and its dark tone very well.
I’d say the first act was positively outstanding, the middle act was very engaging, and the third act fell apart (for me). It was as if this film as trying to be too many different things. Admittedly, that’s exactly what The Ritual (2017) did—and I loved it for that. This just wasn’t my flavor for some reason.
The special effects were limited to the revelations in the third act and a rather gruesome sort of death-by-torture scene that functioned as a catalyst to the dire mentality of this cult. In terms of gore and other effects, the film had all it needed or even perhaps too much—even if not a lot. This is one of those films that facilitates the wandering fears of its viewers. I kind of wish I never found out what (or why) they worshipped; leaving it to the darkness of my own imagination.
Not gonna lie—this film gets a bit deeper into crazytown than I’d prefer. And while I enjoy a good bit of crazy, I’d have enjoyed a more subtle conclusion for this particular story’s cultivation (i.e., the first 60 minutes). But that’s just me; you may like it. In fact, a few very trusted friends of mine (in terms of providing excellent horror recommendations) were big fans. So take my words with a grain of salt.
Overall, however, I thought this was an inspired horror film worth any adventurous film-goers’ time.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Unnamable (1988), a Lovecraftian version of Night of the Demons (1988).
MY CALL: If you enjoy movies like Night of the Demons (1988), then you’d probably enjoy this. It’s equal parts decent (enough) acting and writing, boobs and blood and guts, and a neat monster. Just don’t expect the depth, seriousness or thoughtfulness of Lovecraft as this is as much campy as classic. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Unnamable: For more movie adaptations from Lovecraft’s writings, I’d recommend The Dunwich Horror (1970), The Reanimator (1985), The Resurrected (1991), Lurking Fear (1994) and Dagon (2001). And although not specifically of Lovecraftian origins, his influence is most palpable in In the Mouth of Madness (1994), The Void (2016), The Shrine (2010) and Baskin (2015)—all of which are on the more gruesome side to varying degrees.
Based on H. P. Lovecraft’s short story “The Unnamable,” our story begins in the 1800s when a screaming monstrous woman is locked away in a vault-like attic. We know nothing of what she is, why she is monstrous, or what her relationship is with her keeper—whom she brutally kills when offered a kindness.
Skip to present day (late 1980s) and teenage college students Carter (Mark Kinsey Stephenson; The Unnamable II), Joel (Mark Parra) and Howard (Charles Klausmeyer; The Unnamable II)—one of whom being a descendant of the cursed events past—are telling the folklore as a campfire scary story. Arguing science and logic against the supernatural, Joel challenges that they spend the night in the house. When no one else has the guts, Joel (the scientifically-minded of the three) decides to spend the night alone and some typical haunted house shenanigans ensue after the “house” locks him inside.
From the opening scary story-telling of the nearby haunted house, this movie plays out a lot like Night of the Demons (1988). Jerky fraternity brothers John (Blane Wheatley; Rapture) and Bruce (Eben Ham; The Runestone) invite Tanya (Alexandra Durrell; The Unnamable II) and Wendy (Laura Albert; Dr. Alien) to scout the house for a sorority initiation, a sex scene is amusingly interrupted by the discovery of a mutilated severed head, teenagers are killed one by one when separated from the crowd, the house slams and locks doors to separate its victims, and we eventually uncover more of the house’s history. They even find the Necronomicon—a cursed sort of spell book referenced in so much horror from Evil Dead (1981, 2013) to Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993).
Considering his short resumé, director Jean-Paul Ouellette (The Unnamable II) did rather well with this movie. It was actually decently written, well-enough acted, and the dark history of the house is well-told.
The special effects are good (although less diverse than I’d prefer), featuring a bloody heart ripped from a man’s chest, blood-gushing flesh wounds, chunks of brains falling out of a huge gaping head cavity, and lots of rubber-gloved claws as we delay the reveal of our demon.
Our first sightings of the unnamable monster are very brief or limited to the shadows, but we eventually see its cloven hooves and generally humanoid form. Only in the end do we see its full form (and we see a lot of it), that of a fiendish pale human-gargoyle with small nubby wings, horns and female form (bare breasts and all).
If you enjoy movies like Night of the Demons (1988) and Night of the Demons 2 (1994), then you’d probably enjoy this. Just don’t expect the depth, seriousness or thoughtfulness of Lovecraft as this is as much campy as classic, and it focuses more on the present teen-killing than the historic origins of evil.
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The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about the 25-year old classic Jurassic Park. The movie hasn’t aged and we love how it puts modern movies to shame with its beautiful CGI, practical effects and thrilling set pieces. Director Steven Spielberg is a mad-genius who channeled his inner-child while making Jurassic Park and the end result influenced many filmmakers and set the course for many subpar sequels. In this episode, you will hear us talk about buying dinosaurs on the black market, kitchen fights and uneaten Chilean sea bass.
Jeff Goldblum fought for this moment.
As always, we answer random questions and ponder how long he’d spend on a black market dinosaur. If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Bye Bye Man (2017), PG-13 horror at its cash-grabbing worst about a dumb boogeyman.
MY CALL: Well this was a waste of time and a waste of Doug Jones. This is among the few horror movies that actually are at their worst during their effects-rich final act. MOVIES LIKE The Bye Bye Man: For more horror whose villains’ names shall not be uttered or whose knowledge alone is a danger, try Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005), Candyman (1992), It Follows (2015), Mara (2018) and Truth or Dare (2018). Honestly, they’re ALL better than Bye Bye Man… all of them. Watch them instead.
From its outset this movie wants so badly to be taken seriously. Every ounce of lackluster effort is poured into trying to cultivate a most dire atmosphere… and it all fails. All of it. I feel badly for Leigh Whannell (Cooties, Insidious 1-3, Saw I-III). He was trying so hard in the 1969 flashbacks.
I’ve been wary of just about any post-1995 horror film below an R-rating. That’s around the time that filmmakers shifted attention from making a good (or simply entertaining) film to making blatant cash grabs. But hey, I guess it’s just business, right? Who am I to complain? I chose to watch it.
As if upon discovery of a horror movie color-by-numbers workbook, director Stacy Title (Let the Devil Wear Black, Hood of Horror) draws lines between the most typical tropes in the blandest possible ways. It all starts with an old gold coin and some creepy journal scribblings that bring about a curse when said aloud. There’s even a séance performed by a medium. Sadly, none of these classic horror elements will come full circle in the story’s resolution. Why you’d show me an old gold coin in act one and leave it meaningless in act three is beyond me.
Three students—Elliot (Douglas Smith; Ouija, Stage Fright, Antiviral), John (Lucien Laviscount; Scream Queens) and Sasha (Cressida Bonas)—rent an old house with a dark past that comes to haunt them. We’ll learn some “rules” about this evil phantom, but the movie will quickly forget them as if they never mattered.
A nondescript hooded Boogeyman, The Bye Bye Man (Doug Jones; The Shape of Water, Ouija: Origin of Evil, Crimson Peak, Absentia) follows crass simplicity. And like a late franchise Freddy Krueger, he must be known and believed in order to have power. However, unlike a Freddy movie, I hated this.
Creepy out-of-focus imagery from the shadows harkens Mama (2013) and Lights Out (2016) among countless (and better) others. Stupid drama, visions of out-of-place maggots (in a girl’s hair) and hallucinations of temptation feel cheaply executed. Outside of some decent bloodwork, the special effects are weak—especially with respect to our monster’s appearance, which is probably rivaled by your Halloween-loving neighbor’s make-up. Don’t even get me started on the pointless CGI Hell Hound—errrr… the Bye Bye Man’s pet dog (yet another ill-explained component). Early 2000s ScyFy Channel movies-of-the-week feature equivalent special effects quality to this stupid dog thing. This CGI was upsettingly bad.
This wretched film features the worst scissors-fighting in cinema history, the worst sneeze-acting I’ve ever seen, and my favorite character in the entire movie was the exposition-dump librarian. That woman gave it her all and cared more about this film than anyone else in it. Plus, it was a funny gimmicky single-serving character. That character was the best thing about this movie!
The scare tactics were weak and we stumble down their abysmal trench when we yo-yo constantly back-and-forth between an evil hallucination and reality culminating in a boring murderous end. It’s so crass—as if no viewer could possibly imagine that this boogeyman could fool your eyes or play tricks on your mind, despite mentioning it in the dialogue countless times! This is what you do in 1950s horror, when the genre is young and viewers aren’t savvy to the means. Or… you simply show the harsh reality after the fact. See how easy that is? And much more horrifying in its reveal! Director Stacy Title needs to either stop making horror movies or aim more for PG tween flicks since she clearly can’t handle this and totally squandered an otherwise excellent creature actor. Once our monster gets close to the protagonist, it’s like she didn’t even know what to do with him. He just stands there with all the physical menace of a high school vice principal and points at you… and then nothing happens.
I stopped caring about whatever happened on-screen after minute 15 or 20. Most so-so horror is only good in its last 20-30 minutes. Yet here, those were easily the worst of the film as we watch an impotent evil spirit and his ugly 1990s videogame CGI dog pointing at people and slowly walking down stairs. Meanwhile, you’re expecting the old gold coin or the journal scribblings or some discovery of the boogeyman’s origins to hold some answers to banish it or put it to rest. Nope!
The biggest failure was how the gimmicky tagline—don’t think it, don’t say it—is really only an urgent issue in the flashbacks and the very veeeeery end (when it was weakly employed). It’s as if the writers and filmmakers forgot all about how their spectral killer worked!
Don’t watch this movie because you love the horror genre. Don’t watch it because you’re an adventurous filmgoer who takes chances on iffy rentals. Watch this if you need a good drinking game movie. It’s fun to laugh at—but not as a “good” bad movie should be. This isn’t a fun B-movie; it’s an awful movie.
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MFF Special: The Dolph Lundgren Front Kick Special
Before we get into the data I have to say this piece represents the zenith of my data collection. I literally spent 30 minutes debating whether or not Dolph’s kick in Dark Angel should be considered a front kick or not (its not). Also, every movie viewing was a tense experience as the data teeter-tottered due to the limited number of Lundgren movies that have a Tomatometer score (16 of a possible 65). Unlike my jet ski or JVCD split data the results didn’t become clear until the very end when the 0% Tomatometer rated movies Black Water and The Peacekeeper failed to feature a front kick from Dolph. The data could’ve gone either way and when you collect as much data as I do you cherish the close results that make movies like Masters of the Universe and Johnny Mnemonic exciting.
This may be controversial, but I left out Rocky IV because there was zero reason for Dolph to throw a front kick. Drago may embrace steroids, but I don’t think he would dishonor himself by throwing a deadly front kick at Rocky during their boxing match. Also, how the heck does Universal Soldier: Regeneration not have an RT score yet? It’s a badass action film that features Dolph front kicking people. Another problem I have is the lack of love for the Lundgren directed Command Performance. It’s a movie about Dolph being awesome while saving the day in a “Die Hard in a concert venue” movie.
If you are a martial arts purist you won’t be happy with what I considered a front kick. I am well aware of the traditional front kick, however, I decided to include Teep – front push kicks and soccer kicks because they are aimed forward and there isn’t a hip turn or angled trajectory. They are straight forward kicks, and if they are done right could potentially send the victim into the next zip code. Also, the kicks didn’t have to be at humans as Dolph does front/push kick doors or large slabs on meat. Here is a clip.
If Dolph made this speech in a Scorsese film he would’ve won an Oscar – Adam Hodgins – Listen to our Universal Soldier podcast.
Here are the results.
1. Movies Featuring Dolph Throwing a Variation of a Front Kick
- Tomatometer Average – 34.8%
- Inflated Domestic Box office – $66 million (Red Scorpion, Showdown in Little Tokyo, Universal Soldier, The Expendables, The Expendables 2)
- The Front Kick Movies – Red Scorpion, The Punisher, Showdown in Little Tokyo, Universal Soldier, The Expendables, The Expendables 2, Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, Skin Trade
2. Movies Featuring Zero Front Kicks
- Tomatometer Average – 24.2%
- Inflated Domestic Box Office – $34 million (Masters of the Universe, Johnny Mnemonic, The Expendables 3)
- The lame movies that don’t feature front kicks (sans Expendables 3 – the final battle is sweet) – Masters of the Universe, Dark Angel, Johnny Mnemonic, The Peacekeeper, The Expendables 3, Don’t Kill It, Black Water
Why are the front kick movies better?
It helps that The Expendables (42%), The Expendables 2 (66%) and Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (55%) have solid Tomatometer numbers and only Red Scorpion has a score below 10%. There really is no correlation or causation, but, it’s worth noting that Dolph’s two movies with a 0% Tomatometer rating do not feature front kicks. If I was putting together a Dolph Lundgren primer, four of the front kick movies would be in the five I recommend:
- Rocky IV
- Universal Soldier
- The Expendables 2
- Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning
- Showdown in Little Tokyo
The main reason the scores are relatively close is because the writers of Don’t Kill It chose to write a decent script that didn’t allow Dolph to front kick a jerky demon into oblivion. The movies 89% Tomatometer score is earned, but when you write a movie about Dolph battling a demon AND you don’t have him kick it – there is something wrong with you. Why not let Dolph kick it?
What movie features his best front kick?
.
The Expendables 2 is his highest rated “front kick movie” and it features (in my opinion) his greatest front kick ever. Basically, he destroys a henchman with a beautiful kick that sends him over a railing. It’s awesome (1:55 in video). While watching the movie again (for research) I was shocked at how many awesome things I had forgotten. Here is a list
- Dolph front kicks a henchmen and says “Goodbye”
- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis drive around in a smart car
- Scott Adkins and Jason Statham fight
- There is a moment when Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone share the screen
- Dolph gets to use his science background to hilarious effect
- Chuck Norris probably kills 70 people
- JCVD plays a great villain
- Dolph front kicks a henchmen and says “Goodbye”
.
There you have it! Irrefutable evidence that movies featuring Dolph Lundgren throwing a front kick are better than his other movie that don’t feature front kicks. You are welcome!
If you like this article make sure to check out my other data pieces!
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- Analyzing the Unsuccessful Trap in Predators
- How Far Did the Shark Travel in Jaws: The Revenge?
- How Far Did the Creature From It Follows Travel?
- How Many Bullets Missed John Matrix in Commando?
- How Fast Does the Great White Swim in Shark Night?
- Zara the Assistant and Jurassic World Had a Bad Day
- A Look at Elektra’s sandbag trainer in Daredevil
- How Far Did Nic Cage Run While Dressed as a Bear In The Wicker Man Remake?
- Breaking Down The Mariner vs. Sea Beast Battle in Waterworld
- How Long Did it Take The Joker to Setup the Weapon Circle in Suicide Squad?
- Michael Myers Hates Blinkers
- Jason Voorhees Can’t Teleport?
- Michael Myers Loves Laundry
- How Far Did the Merman Travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How Far Did Matthew McConaughey Jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface Run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How Far Did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How Did the Geologist Get Lost in Prometheus?
- People Love a Bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- How Do You Make the Perfect Kevin Smith Movie?
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How Fast Can the Fisherman Clean a Trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s Expensive to Feature Characters Being Eaten Alive and Surviving Without a Scratch
- How Long Does it Take Your Favorite Horror Movie Characters to Travel From NYC to San Francisco?
- What was the Guy’s Blood Pressure in Dawn of the Dead?
- Why Were There So Many Lemons in National Treasure?
- How Far Does The Rock Jump in the Skyscraper Poster?
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The MFF Podcast #152: The 13th Warrior
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The #1 ranked podcast on Ranker’s “Best Movie Podcast” list is back! This week we’re talking about the underrated action spectacle The 13th Warrior, which has aged really well due to its practical effects and on-location shooting in the harshest terrains British Columbia could offer. The 13th Warrior is mostly known for the production troubles, massive budget ($180 million inflated) and underwhelming box office numbers that made it a financial disaster. Director John McTiernan (Predator, Die Hard) and writer/producer Michael Crichton had different visions for the film and it resulted in massive reshoots, copious editing and a final cut that both were unhappy with. However, we love the movie because of its massive battles, underappreciated performances, and breathtaking locations. If you love The 13th Warrior you will love this podcast.
Buliwyf is the best.
As always, we answer random questions and ponder how long it took Antonio Banderas to learn the Viking language. If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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The MFF Podcast #151: The Jerky Antics of Michael Myers
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The #1 ranked podcast on Ranker’s “Best Movie Podcast” list is back! This week we’re talking about the jerky antics of Michael Myers. Michael Myers has done many jerky things during his 40-year terror spree and you will hear all about them in this podcast. Whether it be plunging towns into darkness, wrecking bed sheets or stealing knives, Michael has a long list of jerky moments that prove he is more than just a skilled killer. Also, we have a long discussion about the misunderstood Tina of Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, and we try to defend Busta Rhymes usage of Kung-Fu in Halloween: Resurrection (it’s very effective). If you are a fan of the Halloween franchise you will love this episode.
Make sure to listen to our other Halloween podcasts too. They are pretty great.
Poor Tina…
As always, we answer random questions and ponder if Tina from Halloween 5 is misunderstood. If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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MFF Special: Analyzing the Halloween Franchise and its Love of Laundry and Machines Used to Wash/Dry Laundry
Dude cuts holes in bed sheets.
When you rewatch all of the Halloween movies it’s easy to notice patterns and trends persisting throughout Michael Myers 40-year killing spree (here is what I’ve noticed in the past). I’d never watched the Halloween movies so close together, so I hadn’t noticed his limited kill set that essentially features a lot of stabbing, impaling and stabbing then lifting. I also never noticed the important part laundry and bed sheets play in the franchise.
Sheets are everywhere in the franchise!
During my research I noticed an interesting trend. Movies featuring Michael Myers doing laundry have the lowest Tomatometer scores of the franchise. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (6%) and Halloween: Resurrection (12%) feature Michael Myers using washing machines or dryers to help him set traps. I’m not saying these two films are terrible because they feature Michael Myers proving he knows how to work appliances. I just love that the two lowest rated movies of the franchise feature Myers using laundry machines to kill people. Michael has always been down for cat-and-mouse theatrics, but these kills dampen any fear he has over the audience because their less about “pure evil” and more about Michael Myers being a jerk who likes to set lame traps for his own enjoyment.
For instance, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) features a very weird sequence that can best be described in a list. After doing a decent amount of research I’m happy with this timeline because it accurately works around October sunsets in Illinois and elementary school hours.
- 10:00 AM – Debra Strode goes downstairs to do some laundry and she realizes the washing machine is broken. She had done some earlier loads, so that explains the laundry hanging up outside in the backyard.
- 10:39 AM – She comes upstairs with a laundry basket and gets spooked by Dr. Loomis
- 3:30 PM – She sees Michael inside her house and runs into the backyard where she is caught up in the laundry, she manages to get free but is killed by a hatchet wielding Michael.
- 3:32 OM- Debra’s blood flies onto a nice clean sheet.
- 3:35 PM- Michael takes the sheet off of the line and puts it in the washing machine. He doesn’t start it yet because it’s still broken (I think).
- 4:15 PM – Tommy Doyle walks Danny Strode home and they wait for Kara Strode there, It’s unclear if Michael is in the house. He might be in the basement waiting to start the washing machine.
- 4:47 PM – Kara Strode comes home and finds Tommy and Danny waiting for her.
- 4:47 PM – Is Michael still in the basement? Is he fixing the washer so it will work later? It does work later…so I guess he fixes it.
- 5:00 PM – Tommy takes her across the street to the boarding house he lives in. Later, we see Michael standing outside so he must’ve fixed the washing machine….or needed a break.
- 7:30 PM – Abusive jerk dad comes home, the power goes out and he heads downstairs to deal with the breaker. He looks at the washing machine and opens it up to find a bloody sheet.
- 7:35 PM – He is killed.
This moment potentially proves that Michael Myers can fix washing machines. I wish that scene would’ve been in the producer’s cut.
The washing moment is at 10:18. Thank you Dead Meat!
The moment in Halloween: Resurrection isn’t as intricate or planned out. However, in order for everything to work out perfectly – certain things needed to go right. These kills take place so quickly I didn’t think a timeline was needed.
- Michael is seen on camera and two unlucky security guards go to check it out
- Michael kills a security guard named Franklin and stuffs his head in a laundry dryer
- Franklin’s partner Willy comes in behind Franklin and walks past all the dryers to inspect a particular dryer.
- This dryer is tossing around the head of Franklin
- Willy walks backwards (exactly how Michael planned) and trips over Franklin’s decapitated body (perfect placement by Michael)
- Willy is killed after Michael shows us how strong he is.
This scene proves to the audience that Michael is a brilliant game planner who puts together intricate murder setups that involve decapitating a dude with a knife, stuffing his head into a dryer, and waiting for the other security guard to come in and look into the dryer with the decapitated head in it. I LOVE IT!
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Now that I’ve covered the two instances of Michael dealing with Laundry, here are some moments from the 10 films that feature laundry or bed sheets.
- Halloween (1978) – Michael stands menacingly next to some sheets that are hanging on a clothesline.
- Halloween (1978) – He locks Annie in a laundry room
- Halloween (1978) – He cuts holes in a bed sheet to trick Lynda before he kills her.
- Halloween (1981) – Laurie has flashbacks of her mother hanging white sheets on a clothesline
- Halloween (1981) – Michael stabs some sheets thinking it’s Laurie
- Halloween 5 – Jamie runs into some drying laundry in the children’s hospital
- Halloween 5 – Jamie gets stuck in a laundry shoot
- Halloween 6 – Michael gets blood on a sheet when he kills a nice lady.
- Halloween 6 – Michael puts the sheet into a washer (without soap). The jerky dad checks it out and is killed.
- Halloween H20 – Marion Chambers goes into her laundry room to get a flashlight
- Halloween H20 – This is a stretch but the drapes/curtains in the school look a lot like bed sheets
- Halloween: Resurrection – Dude puts a decapitated head into a washing machine
- Halloween – Cuts holes in sheets again
- Halloween 2 – It’s too gross a movie for anything clean.
I have no idea why so many sheets have been destroyed or laundered, I just know the Halloween franchise loves putting Michael Myers and other characters near sheets and laundry.
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Keeping up with every recommended horror movie can become an expensive endeavor due to all the steaming services and rentals. That’s why I scoured through Crackle, Vudu and Youtube to give you free horror options you can watch this month. You may have to endure some advertisements, but all you need is an internet connection and something to watch movies on.
The cool thing is, I found some solid options for you to watch. I was surprised at the quality of the free offerings (Fraility, Dark City, Ju-On) and I hope you can find a couple options in this list. Let us know which movies you pick!
Highlights
- Frailty – Vudu
- Bubba Ho-Tep – Vudu
- Shadow of the Vampire – Vudu
- Dark City – Vudu
- In the Mouth of Madness – Vudu
- Dracula Dead and Loving it – Vudu
- Night of the Living Dead (1990) – Crackle
- Night of the Living Dead (1968) – Youtube
You need to watch Shadow of the Vampire.
Vudu
- Freaks of Nature
- Ghostbusters
- Troll 2
- Sleepaway Camp 2
- Hatchet (unrated)
- The Blair Witch Project
- Child’s Play
- The Lord’s of Salem
- Twilight Zone: The Movie
- You’re Next
- Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
- The last Exorcism’
- Critters
- Open Water
- Funny Games
- High Tension
- Night of the Demons
- Ju-On
- May
- Detention
- Cube
- Battle Royale
- Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance
Hatchet is bonkers! Lots and lots of blood.
Youtube
- Nosferatu
- Night of the Living Dead (1968)
- House on Haunted Hill
- The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
- White Zombie
If you haven’t watched the original Night of the Living Dead you need to see it
Crackle
- Ghostbusters
- Ghostbusters 2
- Wrong Turn
- Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
- Anaconda
- Silent Hill
- Detention
- Night of the Living Dead (1990)
- A Vampire in Brooklyn
Wrong Turn is a fun little horror movie. Also, it’s free which is nice.
Let us know which movies you watch!
Movies, Films & Flix 