MY CALL: I’d call this a really, really, really great B-action movie. God, I’d love to see the R-rated version of this!!! IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Olympus Has Fallen (2013), Die Hard (1988), Taken (2007) and Live Free or Die Hard (2008) all feature some loooong and numerous action sequences.
http://lakwatseralovers.blogspot.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation-movie-review.html
Let’s start by stating the obvious: the plot is far from credible, basically akin to the simplicity of a cartoon supervillain with an over-the-top plan and he needs to be stopped by the good guys.
Still licking their wounds from the insufferable Rise of Cobra (2009), our super-soldiers led by Captain Duke (Channing Tatum; Side Effects, Magic Mike, The Vow) introduce the pace of this movie with an action sequence against overseas enemies. The down side: after a successful mission the president orders an air strike to kill the whole team and frames them for some pretty serious war crimes, painting them terrorists. They lose a lot of good men. But the best of them, thought to be dead with the others, made it out alive…and something smells fishy!
What’s that smell? Well, it turns out that the president of the United States has been kidnapped by Cobra operatives, with one of them impersonating the president with some sort of nanotechnology that perfectly emulates facial structure and voice. There’s the first heaping spoonful of over the top for us to swallow.
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/current-movie-reviews/gi-joe-retaliation.php
Lady Jaye looking lovely under cover.
Cobra operatives’ next step is to free their imprisoned Cobra Commander, who is in an underground super prison, and then bluff a nuclear coup to disarm the world’s nuclear powers and then threaten the world with a new, special weapon of their own design. Waaaaaaaaay over the top. When you see the world leaders meet to discuss nuclear disarmament it feels like a 12-year old wrote out the drama. But, I guess this movie is for the 12-year olds, too, so I’ll leave it alone.
Dwayne Johnson as Roadblock
Roadblock (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; Fast Five, Faster), freerunner Flint (D.J. Cotrona; Dear John), the sultry Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki; Red Dawn, Legion), Snake Eyes (Ray Park; Jinn, The King of Fighters) and Jinx (Elodie Yung; District 13: Ultimatum) face off against Zartan, Cobra Commander, Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee; I Saw the Devil, The Good the Bad the Weird) and Firefly (Ray Stevenson; The Three Musketeers, Thor). There’s also a painful ninja clan cameo by rapper-filmmaker Rza, who reprises his woodenly stale performance from The Man with the Iron Fists. Bruce Willis (A Good Day to Die Hard) also joins the Joes.
Byung-hun Lee as the shirtless, rippled, sweaty Storm Shadow. Take it all in, ladies.
The action sequences vary in quality. I found the movie’s opener to be a little weak, but I enjoyed most of them. Later sequences and, especially, the mountain ninja clan battle between Snake Eyes and Jinx and Storm Shadow’s minions was quite good. Likewise, a battle between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow along with Jinx training with Snake Eyes were also cool. Leave it to the ninjas to save the day. But they can’t take all the credit. Flint’s freerunning assaults on Cobra, Roadblock versus Firefly, the Cobra Commander prison break and the big finale offer a lot of entertainment as well.
http://lakwatseralovers.blogspot.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation-movie-review.html
Snake Eyes and Jinx training
http://funkyrabbeat.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation1.jpg
This movie is as entertaining as your ability to check your brain at the door and try to remember the scenarios you were playing out with action figures when you were a kid. All the sudden, “the president needs saving again” starts to feel more natural.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Playing for Keeps
Desperation is a stinky cologne and Playing for Keeps smells of old Stetson mixed with Brians Fantana’s Sex Panther.
Playing for Keeps is the oddest romantic comedy I’ve watched in years. I sat dumbfounded as a plethora of good actors slummed in the worst way possible. The production design was non-existent, the acting bonkers and script written by a forty three year old man named Doug (not researched). It is movies like this that are necessary for the general populace and Hollywood. It makes decent films good by comparison and somehow makes the Katherine Heigl film One for the Money seem better than terrible. Hollywood cannot produce too many of these films because the audience gets hip to the badness and the actors involved strive for better work after a flop. It is the equivalent of hitting rock bottom. They only place to go is up. Also, the lack of good roles has forced actresses like Rashida Jones to write their own scripts that make for much better films like Celeste and Jesse Forever.
Playing for Keeps is an odd film about a former soccer legend scoring with soccer moms as he tries to rekindle his ex-wife’s love. He also proves to be a terrible father as he continually lets his kid down while he is busy sleeping with various housewives who may or may not be married. The women break into his house, show up uninvited and throw themselves at Butler with reckless abandon. Playing for Keeps is odd stuff. It looks like it was shot in two weeks, has zero production value and Dennis Quiad seems very close to rehab.
The most depressing aspect of the film is that it features several wonderful actresses who are nothing but fodder for Gerard Butler’s Lothario. Uma Thurman, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Judy Greer literally stalk Butler and throw themselves at him in sad moments. In your head you are wondering why these women are playing such thankless roles in a borderline mysoginist movie. They’ve proven themselves with Oscar nominations, Oscar wins and critical praise yet they still find themselves in 4% Rotten Tomato rated films. I think they went the Caine route. Michael Caine famously couldn’t collect his Oscar because he was busy filming Jaws: The Revenge. When asked about the film years later he gave this famous quote
“I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”
Here are the actresses thoughts while filming Playing for Keeps.
New Boat!
New brownstone and cell phone!
People will finally forget about Stealth!
Playing for Keeps was originally entitled Playing the Field. That change happened because the original title made too much sense. This change was important because the movie needed to make zero sense. It is a mind boggling thing and it baffled me at every turn. I’d like to see a movie about how the director and writer were able to acquire the cast with such a mind numbing script. Then, I’d like to see the sequel about filming the movie because there must have been some very depressed crew.
Don’t watch Playing for Keeps. If you want to watch a movie about soccer watch The Damned United. If you want to watch a good romantic comedy check out Celeste and Jesse Forever. If you rent this film they might make a sequel called Playing the Field for Keeps.
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Olympus Has Fallen (2013), making up for A Good Day to Die Hard one dead North Korean terrorist at a time
MY CALL: Behold the unbelievable scenario of Gerard Butler versus like 60 North Korean black ops terrorists and Butler wins. A satisfying movie for guys who like movies with explosions, throat punches, machine guns and knife fights. It’s like one super-long action sequence. [B] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Die Hard (1988), Taken (2007) and Live Free or Die Hard (2008). WHITE HOUSE SIDEBAR: This is one of three movies this year involving terrorists taking the White House. Odd trend, huh? The other two are G. I. Joe: Retaliation and, nearly a clone of this movie, White House Down.
Agent Mike Banning (Gerard Butler; Machine Gun Preacher, Gamer) was transferred from the Secret Service after an accident resulted in the death of President Asher’s (Aaron Eckhart; The Rum Diary, Battle Los Angeles) wife. He’s bored of his new desk job and misses being by his friend the president’s side. But the president cannot bear the memory of his wife’s death.
During a meeting in the White House, the South Korean Prime Minister’s chief of security Kang goes rogue. He is actually a long dark-ops North Korean terrorist with sinister plans for the United States. Rick Yune (The Man with the Iron Fists, Ninja Assassin) really owns the role of Kang and his “no foolin’ around” hard line of terrorism. He also dresses well.
Kang’s White House takeover gives audiences a lot of continuous, intense action. There are suicide bombers, huge guns, rapid fire guns, a kamikaze air assault, missile strikes, missile decoys, smoke bombs, explosions, creative road blocks, terrorists in tourists’ clothing and insider double-crosses–it drew a lot of laughs, smiles and “ooohs” from the action movie fans in the audience. The White House lawn was painted red as somehow Banning snuck his way into the White House before Kang’s men had complete control.
Banning goes guerilla, utilizing the Korean terrorists’ gear.
Making his entrance, Banning watched in horror as secret service agents, responding to the sound of loads of gunfire, recklessly ran out into the open through the front door and were mowed down by Gatling guns. For the sake of an impressive body count, the writers seemed to have decided that secret service men an White House security details are rather poorly trained and have no concept of using cover or evasive maneuvers when under fire. This was a blaring flaw and it came with a lot of “OMG, REALLY!?!” But it also made it fun.
With the president and vice president held hostage, House Speaker Turnbull (Morgan Freeman; The Dark Knight Rises, Conan the Barbarian) assumes the pressures of acting president. As Turnbull weighs Kang’s threats with global security, Banning starts wading his way through the White House halls and BRUTALLY picking off Kang’s elite trained operatives. The hand-to-hand combat isn’t quite what I’d prefer, filmed very close up, sometimes shaky, and with choppy one-cut-per-move editing. But hey, this isn’t a martial arts movie. It’s a series of super-long action sequences kind of movie. And the hard hitting action sequences are quite pleasing to this action junkie!
Supporting actors include Angela Bassett (This Means War, Green Lantern) as Banning’s boss, Melissa Leo (The Fighter, Conviction) and Radha Mitchell (Silent Hill Revelation, The Crazies) as Banning’s wife. Everyone did a fine job. My biggest complaint wouldn’t be the acting, but the writing in the early scenes when we have the president’s happy family routine shoved down our throats. Too many rainbows and not enough “real.” But, again, this movie is largely a continuous IV drip of action. So I’ll let it slide.
Director Antoine Fuqua (Shooter, King Arthur, Training Day) must have anticipated how bad A Good Day to Die Hard was going to be and decided to give us “Die Hard in the White House” starring Gerard Butler to make up for it. In fact, this movie was stunningly similar to the awesomely epic Live Free or Die Hard. Let me count the ways… 1) The calm, cool, collected Kang looked so sleek in his vest outfit, not unlike the dashing and dapper, cardiganed Timothy Olyphant. 2) Like the Maggie Q to Olyphant, Kang also had a tough Asian computer whiz at his side. 3) Like Willis’ John MacClane, Butler takes a beating in this movie and his bruises and blood don’t magically disappear between scenes as he takes a lot of punishment. 4) Like MacClane in Die Hard, Banning is the only line of communication with the outside, it takes a while for Kang to realize he’s even there, Kang and Banning exchange some smack talk, a bad guy pretends to be a good guy to try to kill Banning, and when the acting president and his panel don’t listen to Banning bad stuff happens. 5) Banning and his wife are having some problems–classic MacClane! Basically, this movie was Die Hard with a North Korean Timothy Olyphant and Maggie Q in the White House.
Spoiler Alert! Butler saves the day.
Is this a bad thing? Hell, no! I enjoyed it. It was a fun. Although it was loaded with faults, the faults sort of contributed to the fun.
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MY CALL: Ouch. Craptastic acting, lousy writing, stupid scenarios, destitute effects and a ripped off premise make this movie an affront to B-horror. This is more like D-horror and I give it an “F.”. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: There are much better creepy asylum movies–namely Session 9 (2001), Grave Encounters (2011) and American Horror Story season 2 (2012). For a better breathable spirit movie, aim for Fallen (1998).
In 1956, during an insane criminal’s execution at an asylum, he gets violent and babbles a bunch of religious banter until they give him the chair. But wait second. Since when do we execute the criminally insane? And since when have executions been performed at asylums? [That’s Strike 1]
Skip to present day. Jerry (Scream Queen Katrina Bowden; Piranha 3DD, Tucker and Dale vs Evil), Kyle, Heath, Tony, Samantha, Johnny (Randy Wayne; Terror Toons 2, Caretaker) and Natasha (Erin Marie Hogan; The Theater Bizarre) load up an SUV and go off on a trip. They all put their cell phones in the locked glove compartment of the car in what I find to be a very convenient horror ploy to keep them from calling for help later. This would simply not happen. No group of seven, social, good-looking 20-somethings would ever do this voluntarily. No way! How else can they Tweet, Instagram or Facebook about it? [That’s Strike 2]
http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html
At the beginning of the drive they pass a graveyard near the asylum and Jerry goes into a serious panic, blurting out some folklore that if you don’t hold your breath then an evil spirit may enter your body. Really? A hot, mainstream 22-year old is going to find this worrisome? [That’s Strike 3, and we’re only 10 minutes into the movie] Anyway… Naturally, the stoner (Kyle) wanted to enjoy a good toke and inhaled. Annnnnnnnd now he’s the killer.
http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html
They pull off near an old asylum and decide it would be cool to go inside. Weird stuff happens. Then they go on to their camping trip and we learn that the evil spirit can pass from one possessed person to another by breath. This sounds like the touch-and-go Rolling Stones-loving Azazel of Fallen (1998). And, like Azazel, our spirit has a tell.
http://thewolfmancometh.com/2012/12/17/hold-your-breath-2012-review/
Who’s the killer now?
http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html
It’s Katrina Bowden! And she has an egg beater!!!
Outside of some decent blood work, effects including storms, wind, electricity, explosions and fire are destitute. One of the only things about this movie that was done well was a gratuitous sex scene, which really felt like watching a soft-core porn on late night Cinemax and otherwise totally broke the flow and mood of this already insufferably bad horror. There’s other nudity as well and, even as far as direct-to-DVD horror goes, it’s not in good taste. [How many strikes am I up to here?]
In the end, the way they defeat the evil, 20-something-possessing spirit is incredibly stupid–almost enraging. Okay, I smiled a few times. But it really is quite terrible.
http://thewolfmancometh.com/2012/12/17/hold-your-breath-2012-review/
They find a retired guy who worked at the asylum when the killer was executed.
http://ipirate4you.blogspot.com/2012/12/hold-your-breath-2012-web-dl-720p-650m.html
They form an evil spirit lynch mob.
Let’s just skip this one, okay?
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John’s Horror Corner: Puppet Master 4 (1993)
Worth noting: Torch (bottom right) is not even in this movie.
MY CALL: This is hardly simply “another” killer puppets movie. This sequel brings a good combination of silly straight-faced nonsense and fun kills along with some new other-worldly elements. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Puppet Master (1989), Puppet Master II (1991; the most slapstick crazy of the first three) and Puppet Master III (1991). Also try Ghoulies (1985) and Ghoulies II (1988) SEQUEL SIDEBAR: Puppet Master III (1991; set in 1941 and having the highest production value of the first three franchise installments) is actually a prequel to Puppet Master (1989), which occurs decades later in present day and is seamlessly followed story-wise by Puppet Master II (1991; which was the least serious, most zany installment). This fourth installment returns us to present day after Puppet Master II.
B-horror sequel director Jeff Burr (Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Stepfather 2) drops us right in the middle of the silliness in this Jim Henson’s Storyteller-turned-evil sequel. Andre Toulon (Guy Rolfe; Puppet Master III, V and Retro Puppet Master; Dolls, The Bride) had obtained the ancient Egyptian secret of reanimation from some Arab back in the 1920s-30s, but in part 4 some puppet-like ghoul-demon named Sutec on a throne claims that Toulon “stole” this secret and has put some evil netherworld at risk of discovery by mankind. That story sounds about par for the direct-to-video course, right?
Meet Sutec. He never smiles.
Sutec’s minions watching from the netherworld.
This fourth installment returns us to present day after Puppet Master II. Rick (Gordon Currie; Friday the 13th Part VIII, The Terror Within II, Puppet Master 5) is a robot engineer living in the same oceanview hotel (from part 1 and 2) as the off-season caretaker. He is working towards artificial intelligence in his spare time. You know, for fun. For whatever reason, he has Blade (from parts 1 and 2) in his office.
Meanwhile, in a high-tech laboratory working with Rick, some scientists have discovered some weird netherworld puppet-sized, fleshy doll-monster gremlins. They kill Dr. Leslie Piper (Stacie Randall; Ghoulies IV, Trancers 4 and 5, From Dusk’ til Dawn 2) and steal her soul for the netherworld powers.
Rick has a dinner party and invites his girlfriend and iron man athlete Susie (Chandra West; White Noise, Puppet Master 5), metaphysicist and psychic-channeler Lauren (Teresa Hill; Puppet Master 5), and his friend and scientist Cameron (Ash Adams; A Nightmare on Elm Street). It’s funny how so many horror movies rely on a dinner party to get a bunch of people into a house before the slaughter.
They find Toulon’s rather informative journal which reveals his history, the secret life-giving serum and puppets Pinhead and Jester (four movie veterans), Six-Shooter (from part 1) and Tunneler (four movie veteran), all of whom he reanimates with the glowing green syringed formula. As usual, the puppets each get their moments to shine. Except for the underplayed Jester, who has the least to offer in terms of interesting kills.
A few inconsistent notes… Tunneler “died” in Puppet Master II and Six-Shooter, while presented in the prequel Puppet Master III, was nowhere to be seen in parts 1 or 2. Yet here he is as if he was always one of the gang. On the other hand, who cares? I’m happy to have them all and their endearing stop-motion glory.
Tunneler just owning this round of laser tag.
This movie is fun. The puppets play laser tag with Rick; Toulon is back, but not as the over-the-top farcical character from Puppet Master III; an idiot opens a gate to the gremlin-infested netherworld; Toulon anoints Rick the new puppet master; and, like in the prequel Puppet Master III, the puppets are the good guys. I love it when they gang up on the netherworld gremlins in stop-motion melee. We also have a new over-the-top bad guy (Sutec) and a new puppet, the head-swapping Decapitron who microwaves the nether-gremlins ’til they burst.
Nether-gremlins spawning from a gate through a board game.
Blade vs a nether-gremlin
Decapitron lives!!!
This whole movie boils down to turning the puppets into good guys as they fight a handful of Sutec’s evil nether-gremlins; hardly a plot. The movie ends with what is clearly a nod to the audience that a sequel was planned before this movie even hit the shelves. But it’s a fun ride and fans of the franchise will continue enjoying consistent quality.
Weirdo puppet Toulon: “Hey, everybody. Tune in for the sequel!”
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John’s Horror Corner: Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), another great, low budget movie that was unfairly judged.
MY CALL: Another great, low budget B-movie that was unfairly reviewed as a theatrical release, which it shouldn’t have been. [B] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Suckers for found footage and video analysis should turn to Paranormal Activity 1 & 2 (2007, 2010), Grave Encounters (2011) or Grave Encounters 2 (2012). If you want some great B-movies then aim for Dagon (2001), Bleeders (1997) or The Hazing (2004).
We recently addressed sequels that nobody expected, wanted, and were completely unwarranted. Such movies include Sinister (2012) and its inevitable sequel and the questionably titled The Last Exorcism Part 2 (2013). Book of Shadows is such a movie. Nobody could have figured how this story could possibly continue without simply regurgitating the same movie all over again with different actors. Not the case with this one. This was a thoughtful, well-crafted sequel which had its own feel, style and story. It managed to continue the legend from the story arc of the original while proving to be a solid stand-alone film of its own. It opens with a typical in-the-spirit-of-good-fun nonsense disclaimer:
“The following is a fictionalized re-enactment of events that occurred after the release
of The Blair Witch Project. It is based on public records…[blah, blah, blah]”
The Blair Witch Project (1999) was a shaky found footage movie. Book of Shadows continues the legacy with paranormal investigation-style video analysis within a traditionally filmed movie. Like its much more recent follower Grave Encounters 2 (2012), Book of Shadows opens with pop-culture acknowledging the fame of its predecessor (treated as a movie within the newer movie)–in this case using MTV News, late night shows, E! News and real news casts, followed by a brief documentarian approach with the testimony of Burkittsville locals.
Goofy, likable Jeffrey Donovan
Jeffrey Donovan (Changeling, USA Network’s Burn Notice) does a fine job as Jeff, a witch store propagandist with a troubled past and a painfully average mind living in Burkittsville. He leads Blair Witch Tours and comes off as simple, easily manipulated and quite likably candid and enthusiastic. We also get an introduction to how poorly he was treated in a psychiatric facility that operated under 1800s-like moral practices.
Disturbed Jeffrey Donovan
Assembled for a Blair Witch tour, Jeff leads Erica the “good witch” Wiccan (Scream Queen Erica Leerhsen; Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), Kim (Kim Director) the psychic goth, and the overly academic couple Tristen (Tristine Skyer) and Stephen (Stephen Barker Turner), who are investigating the Blair Witch legend and mass hysteria.
Here’s Kim the Goth. She’s a psychic.
These folks think she’s weird because she’s a psychic.
Kim knew they’d think that.
This is Erica.
Erica likes laying in the grass and being one with nature.
Kim knew that, too.
I really enjoyed the soundtrack. The opening credits have us soaring above the defoliated Fall woods in a late overcast afternoon to Marilyn Manson and a scene of campfire overindulgence is most perfectly complemented by Queens of the Stoned Age. These add a good deal to the erratic, confusing, mysterious mood. But the weird events, Jeff’s past, Tristen’s dreams and nervous breakdown, weird and disturbing visions, random clips of violent imagery, and (more than anything) strange discoveries while reviewing their recorded footage (after they all black out overnight) are what really drive this movie.
Tristen is freaking out and having weird visions.
When they watch the video playback, even Kim thought that was shocking!
The gore was weakly presented and the special effects, in general, were limited. But special effects really didn’t seem necessary for this movie anyway. It was effectively driven by the mystery of the story which is slowly unveiled.
Jeff is the focal point of an ensemble cast film. We see alternating scenes of the present, in the form of flash-forwards in which Jeff and the others are interrogated by coarse Sheriff Cravens (Lanny Flaherty; Signs, Men in Black 3, Waterworld), and the past, what we would call “the main movie.” As the movie ends see how the interrogations end.
Some people may have thought this movie was dumb, but I find it a pleasant surprise; more of a great B-movie than a lousy major release. We see what the characters see, we receive hints that things are not what they seem and that we’re “missing something,” and soon we have the reveal stage during which we see what really happened. At times you might even question what is “really” happening.
Even seeing this movie a second time, I find it satisfying. I hope you hear what harsher reviewers say, but see what I see so that you can enjoy this movie with me.
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John’s Horror Corner: Dark Tower (1987)
MY CALL: This is all sorts of bad. Only recommended for horror fans looking to check off the “killer skyscraper” box on their “Seen It” list. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Other “killer skyscraper” movies include…hmmm…maybe Poltergeist III (1988) simply because it also takes place in a high-rise building, I suppose. I’m guessing that Dark Tower was trying to ride the coattails of a coattailless sequel that no one ever wanted to see.
After being killed by an invisible force during a pathetic struggle and death scene, a high-rise window washer in Barcelona mysteriously dies. Just to reinforce the gratuitous Spanish-ness of this film, the sound editing (which is more dreadful than any other aspect of this movie) noisily layers an admixture of loud, indiscernible people speaking English and loud, indiscernible people speaking Spanish…to each other. For some reason, the guy (Michael Moriarty; It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive, Troll, The Stuff) investigating the window washer’s death seem to be from the northeast–that is, the northeastern United States. Hmmmm? In fact, an awful lot of folks in the building seem to be American.
After witnessing the window washer’s apparently unaccidental death, Carolyn (Jenny Agutter; Child’s Play 2, An American Werewolf in London) is fixated on the particulars of his death. Clearly worried that she is on to the building’s nefarious plan, the building possesses a man and forces him to try to kill Carolyn. Makes sense, right?
So our sleuth seeks out the aid of a parapsychologist/paranormal investigator. In seeking Dr. Gold, he discovers that he himself is clairvoyant. That’s random. We also learn that the menacing spiritual force behind the killings may be the dead architect who didn’t get the job given to Carolyn, making this the lamest haunting ever. More random.
Ahhhhhhh! It’s her dead husband’s ghost!
Dr. Gold’s investigation is boring and he realizes he needs help for a talented medium, Sergei (Kevin McCarthy; both the 1956 and 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Ghoulies III, Twilight Zone: The Movie, Piranha).
In an attempt to personify our edificial assassin, erratic POV shots from something rushing down hallways are employed. So, I guess the building was running through the hallways inside…wait for it…ITSELF!
When POV’s attack!
Further failing to add to this structures malevolence is when it unscrews light fixtures so that they fall and narrowly miss building employees and hacking elevator controls to murderous ends. Evidently, an elevator can fall fast enough to kill its occupants without incurring any damage…or the building and all of its fixtures possess the ability to regenerate/self-repair–but we don’t see it happen. In fact, there are basically no special effects at all outside of some wind and broken glass. Just sad.
Oh, yeah. There’s a zombie in the end of the movie. And they rip off one of the most chilling scenes from The Gate (1987). Only here, it’s not at all chilling.
I have no clue how this nigh bloodless, unscary, nudity and profanity-free movie tendered an R rating. The most interesting thing is that, despite how bad this movie is, there is some success filling the shoes of directors Ken Wiederhorn (Return of the Living Dead Part II, Shock Waves) and Freddie Francis (Tales from the Crypt, The Brain).
I’d skip this one unless you, like me, feel the need to see every horror movie out there.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Sinister and the Inevitable Sequel
Spoiler Alert! If you read this post SINISTER’S PLOT WILL BE SPOILED and there will be no need to watch Ethan Hawke run around scared whilst wearing a stylish cardigan.
When I first watched the trailer for Sinister it seemed to incorporate everything I appreciate about horror films. Original story, good lead actor, scary villain and tiny three million dollar budget. However, when I watched Sinsiter the twist ending and overall selfishness left me with the “not impressed” face.
Via Getty images (somehow they got Bughuul in it)
Sidenote: The face is old news but it was how I looked when Sinister ended.
Sinister does several things well. However, I am not really into scenarios involving families being hung, lit on fire and run over by lawnmowers. Ethan Hawke watches some brutal stuff and never tells the authorities or wonders why the tapes were left in his attic. Another issue I have is that the whole thing is caused by selfishness and lies. Hawke never tells his family that four people were murdered in the backyard and he alienates himself because he hasn’t had a best selling book in ten years. So, you have a desperate man immersed in bloody tapes while some demon named Magul, Bughuul or Magbuguul harasses him and eventually has a child kill him with an axe.
With news that a sequel is on the way I can’t help but think that Sinister is just another cog in the money making machine. It certainly won’t be as ridiculous as The Last Exorcism 2 (huh?) but it will just wreck whatever frights mugbughull creates. The creative marketing and decent previews resulted in an $80 million worldwide gross and a a decent cult following. Fellow Co-writer John appreciated Sinister but the news of the sequel boggled his mind as well. They will essentially be telling the same story over and over again. There is no room for further stories because everybody is dead. Will they explore the netherworld or tell us how the bad guy paints his face? I loved the film Insidious and the news of the sequel worried me but there is room for future stories. There is a world to be explored that will not result in copious amounts of gore porn. I’m hoping the Insidious sequel will further explore a world and not use gimics to make money.
I was expecting a lot from Sinister. In my mind I had a monologuing Ethan Hawke dealing with a jerky and scary evil thing. However, the movie didn’t hit the spot and I can blame high expectations for that. Sinister is not a Day Time Horror film and doesn’t pander to Tank Top Horror but still is a nasty little thing. The sequels will further exploit the snuff video aspect and audiences will expect more and more pain with each sequel. Intelligence will be thrown out of the window and any chance of a scary story involving likable people will be nonexistent. Muhbuhba will still steal childrens souls in his realm and cameo in his own films like Hitchcock.
Sinister will have a sequel that will make lots of money. It will be better than Last Exorcism 2 but not as good as Final Destination 2. The worst part is that there won’t be any Ethan Hawke monologues.
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John’s Horror Corner: Ghoulies 2 (1988)
MY CALL: Oodles of silly, buckets of fun. This movie doesn’t take itself seriously at all and I love it. It’s one of the more enjoyable family friendly (i.e., PG-13) horror movies. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Enjoy more miniature menaces with Puppet Master (1989), Critters (1986) and Ghoulies (1985). Other carnival funhouse flicks include Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988; which is AMAZING), Howling VI: The Freaks (1991; which is almost intolerably bad) and The Funhouse (1981; which is decent and way under-rated). SEQUEL SIDEBAR: Other than the ghoulies themselves, I find no connection between this story and Ghoulies part one. None.
The ghoulies are back! And they’ve come with a well-deserved special effects makeover, some stop-motion action and some new ugly friends. They sneakily hitch a ride with Larry (Damon Martin; Amityville 1992) and his uncle Ned (Royal Dano; House II, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Spaced Invaders) on their way to work at a traveling carnival.
The ghoulies reveal themselves in the funhouse and start causing trouble. They’re much more involved in the action in this movie compared to Ghoulies. This movie also has a little more fun with the ghoulies. They high five in front of a crowd of chanting people while playing with dead things and one of them projectile vomits green superglue at two teenagers making out, leaving their faces stuck together and the guy’s hand firmly planted on second base.
Little person Nigel (Phil Fondacaro; Willow, Return of the Jedi, Return to Oz) and gypsy go-go dancer Nicole (Kerry Remsen; A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2, Pumpkinhead) round out the better supporting cast. But the show stealer is often drunk Uncle Ned, who believes that his parlor trick illusions resulted in real magic and summoned the ghoulies to serve him.
Phil Fondacaro as Nigel
The carneys eventually unite to battle the ghoulies in silly confrontations. Additional doses of silly come when the ghoulies get out of the funhouse and run amok throughout the carnival grounds. There is also an implication that a man’s genitals are eaten by a ghoulie in the men’s room–don’t worry, he deserved it. Lots of random, lots of silly. But how they defeat and get rid of the ghoulies is just priceless!
Reading from an incantation book, Nigel and Larry summon a giant ghoulie which catches and eats the little ghoulies one by one, picking its teeth like a bloated, satisfied foodie after each one. Unfortunately, now they have 500-pound ghoulie on their hands, which they dispatch in an appropriately inane manner.
The movie ends with a strong suggestion of a sequel, which is the case in almost every horror movie ever. But you’re left somehow wanting more of this nonsense. I hope you like it. Childhood favorite for me!
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John’s Horror Corner: Dagon (2001), a lovecraftian love story with lots of tentacles and a good face peel!
MY CALL: Director Stuart Gordon (The Re-Animator, From Beyond, Dolls) is no stranger to H. P. Lovecraft and I think he really nailed this one. This is a B-movie, and it shows, but it’s a great one. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: This is a tough one… Bleeders (1997) touches on the same mood, shocking nature and romantic overtones and does so with similar quality and inventiveness. SIDEBAR: Based on the short stories “Dagon” and “The Shadow Over Innsmouth.”
After a yachting accident in a storm, the affluent Paul (Ezra Godden) and his girlfriend Barbara (Raquel Meroño; Beneath Still Waters) find themselves on the shore of a rundown fishing village off the coast of Spain.
Finding the city nearly barren, they take shelter from the storm in the Church of Dagon which bears a strange symbol which Paul has seen in his dreams. The people of the town are all quite odd. A priest (Ferran Lahoz; Darkness, Faust) of the Church of Dagon has webbed hands, the hotel manager has gills and never blinks, and many of the people are stunningly pale, ranging from deathly anemic to even albino. We very quickly discover that this town and its people are under the influence of an ancient Cthulu sea god and its monstrous half-human offspring.
Aaaaaand cue tentacles!
Separated from Barbara early in the movie, our protagonist Paul strikes me as the first person to die in a typical horror movie. True to Lovecraftian form, he is weak, pale, neurotic, desperate and scared. That said, Paul is perhaps the most credibly pathetic horror protagonist out there. However, unlike The Re-Animator and From Beyond, this movie takes itself quite seriously. The Re-Animator and From Beyond reach such outrageous levels of ridiculousness that they start to feel cartoonishly crazy, whereas Dagon is focused and never farcical–but quite “out there.”
As Paul searches for Barbara we learn more about the village’s history with Dagon and find intriguing connections linking Paul to the village itself. It’s pretty elaborate and inventive for a direct-to-DVD movie… even for any horror movie.
Tentacles from mouths…
This movie features a lot of crappy CGI that you’d expect from a Sci-Fi channel movie-of-the-week. The gore is infrequent, but there is a seriously grotesque skin-peeling scene that should impress any gorehound. But the monster make-up and latex prosthetics were good.
FACE PEEL!
Also interesting is the sexual, pseudoromantic nature of the story. I understand this to be commonplace for Lovecraft, the sexuality that is. But don’t think “oh, it’s just for B-horror nudity.” No. In this case the nudity, which is quite infrequent, is not the driving force. Rather a taboo allure sets the strange tone, turning Paul’s terror into some perverted, yet pragmatic acceptance of unpredictable circumstances.
Tentacles for legs = Less cute.
Director Stuart Gordon (The Re-Animator, From Beyond, Dolls) is no stranger to H. P. Lovecraft and I think he really nailed this one.
This is a B-movie, and it shows, but it’s a great one. Enjoy.
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