Hello all. Mark here!
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Sit back, relax and enjoy philosophical musings about lame cults and evil dolls with identity issues.
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Hello all. Mark here.
The cinematic world needs jerks. Jerks move films forward and allow the heroes to save the day. Without jerks we’d be stuck with boring films full of nothing (not true). When a jerk is done right they become canonized and are cherished and disliked for decades.
Biff!
We’ve already had a 1995 heist crew post so I decided to write about the jerks of 1995. Think of them as the Ocean’s 11 of jerkiness. They are the supporting characters who are a pain in the ass and more often than not cause annoyance or slight discomfort. If you want a great example of a jerk look no further than the picture below.
Chet from Weird Science is a Jerk to the extreme
Without further ado here are the jerks of 1995!
Sidenote: I’ve left out the guys from the Jerky Boys movie because it seemed to easy.
Shannon – Mallrats
Shannon is the true elitist of the mall. He works at a fashionable store and has no problem intimidating the comic book nerds. He loves hooking up with women in uncomfortable spots (not a Volkswagen) and gets his comeuppance because he sleeps with a 16-year-old. Kevin Smith sums up Affleck’s early career in the Mallrats commentary when he said:
“You were just a guy who would beat ass all of the time.”
Roach – Demon Night
Roach basically kills everybody then gets himself killed. In a classic jerk move he wipes up the evil blocking goo and dooms the rest of the survivors. Most horror films need a jerk like this to move along the plot and give the audience something to cheer for when they meet a bloody death. People cheered when Mr. Roach was torn apart.
Deebo- Friday
Deebo bullies, threatens and eventually loses his consciousness via a brick. He is the classic jerk who uses his size to bully the populace and throws upper cuts so devastating they knock people into the stratosphere.
Eric Gordon – Billy Madison
Eric is a big time turd who attempts to blackmail, cheat and threaten his way into running a massive company. Classic jerk move! He also has this dialogue exchange in which he manages to be jerky, condescending, and more jerky.
Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I’m sorry.
Eric: Well “sorry” doesn’t put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?
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Rex Manning – Empire Records
Rex Manning is the worst. The employees of Empire Records were stoked to have him in the store signing autographs. They dubbed the special occasion “Rex Manning Day” and had a really nice set up for him.
He arrived at the store in jerk mode and proceeded to hurt feelings and wreck expectations. The thing that elevates his jerkiness is he had a hit song called “Say No More Mon Amour!” That is the jerkiest song ever.
Rick Sanford – Angus
Before James Van Der Beek was crying at the Creek he was harassing an overweight kid.
Rick Sanford was a gawky kids nightmare in Angus. Rick was popular, athletic and really jerky. If you got on his radar you were in for a lot of hurt. However, the ENTIRE school rebelled against him and the jerk got his comeuppance.
Being a jerk at prom. Classic jerk move.
Paul – Tommy Boy
Rob Lowe was awesome in Tommy Boy. He played a total jerk who accused people of eating paint chips and had no problem smacking little kids in the face. Between Wayne’s World and Tommy Boy it is hard to imagine Rob Lowe was so nice in Parks & Recreation.
Amber – Clueless
Whatever! Amber is the most spoiled person in a movie full of spoiled people. Amber is always in competition with Cher and she sets herself up for some mighty zingers. She might be misunderstood but I just think she is a jerk.
Lolita – Welcome to the Dollhouse
Lolita is a monster who intimidates via blank stares and terrible words. She harasses the main dorky character and cements her status as a jerk in this moment.
Dawn Weiner: Why do you hate me?
Lolita: Because you’re ugly.
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Tony Perkis – Heavyweights
Attention campers. Lunch has been cancelled due to lack of hustle. Deal with it.
How do you help overweight kids lose weight? You act like a massive jerk and force them to take over the camp so they can sad eat. Tony Perkis was a perfect trial run for Stiller’s jerky Dodgeball character White Goodman.
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Roger Ebert explained Waterworld perfectly when he said:
I’ll remember some of the sights in “Waterworld” for a long time. But I won’t necessarily want to see them again.
I 100% agree with this sentiment for 118 of the 120 minutes of the film. The 118 minutes (including the credits) are excessive to the extreme and are a mixture of intriguing and dumb. There is a longer cut out in the world somewhere and I bet they explain the two minutes I became obsessed with (and wrote 1,300 words explaining what happened in another Waterworld post).
Have you ever experienced a movie moment that leaves you perplexed? It could be a fleeting glance or a huge plot hole but you just can’t shake it. You stay awake at night and wonder why that moment happened. The 1995 film Waterworld features a monster scene that I’ve never been able to quit. When I watched Waterworld in the theater I had no idea what happened because I was digging into my Twizzlers bag and missed the sea beast entirely. I was confused, mystified, and hungry after watching the group dig into delicious sea beast meat that Costner managed to obtain via killing a massive sea creature. I had to wait until the film came out on VHS to figure out what happened.
What happened? Not much. In the words of a CHUD article about the beast.
I am. I chomped Costner. I was
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Here is the how the questionable moment occurs. Kevin Costner is annoyed that the women on his boat are hungry. So, he jumps into the ocean armed with a tiny spear gun and starts trolling behind the boat. His nonchalance shows that he has done this before and it is no big deal that he is about to be attacked. The women look on in awe (because Costner is amazing), and their expressions change as something starts bubbling up to the surface. A MASSIVE SEA BEAST WITH LIKE 6,000 TEETH SWALLOWS COSTNER WHOLE! Then, we get an underwater shot of a spear exploding out of the creatures belly. What happens next? The women get to enjoy a massive feast while a 20-ton beast feeds the local ecosystem as it sinks to the ocean floor.
Where did this monster come from?
Isn’t this a massive gamble?
How did the teeth miss Costner?
If this monster was so close why aren’t there more coming around to eat the giant carcass?
Couldn’t Mr. Sea Beast flip the boat?
Why is the beast laying flat when it came directly up from the ocean floor?
Wouldn’t the stupid Smoker jet skis be perfect food?
I’m guessing that a throwaway scene in one of the most expensive movies ever made hasn’t bothered many people. It was simply another moment of excess in an excessive film. However, I love movie monsters and have spent lengths discussing how the Sarlacc pit became a pit in Return of the Jedi. The wonky editing, rewrites and Costner’s ego (I kill big creatures easily!) created a very random scene that explains nothing while giving us something cool. The lack of information and ease of it all created a weird moment that has been burnt in my memory for 20 years.
Viva la easily killed sea beast!
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Goldeneye: The Resurgence of Bond
Goldeneye was a return to form for James Bond in 1995. After the scattershot Timothy Dalton era the series needed a reboot. Goldeneye delivered with aplomb as it accrued an 82% RT rating and collected $352 million at the worldwide box-office. I love Goldeneye because it was the first Bond film I ever watched and it opened up my world to the suave/deadly/alcoholic spy. It is my sentimental favorite and I love all of its bumps and bruises.
Here are my five favorite Bond films in case you were wondering.
1. Goldeneye
2. From Russia With Love
3. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
4. Casino Royale
5. Skyfall
Instead of diving into the minutia of the Bond series I want to talk about what made Goldeneye so effective. What I love is it featured the Bond tropes (overambitious world destroying ploys, monologues) and introduced progressive ideas (Judi Dench as M, A Bond woman who actually helps) into the world. The choices made are still relevant today and have helped mold the Daniel Craig Bond era.
1. Martin Campbell is the king of the reboot.
Campbell directed the game changers Goldeneye and Casino Royale. These two films successfully brought the series back to life and made them cool again. I love the way Campbell shoots action because he lets the camera linger and doesn’t rely on a ton of editing or tricks. He knows the Bond world and the way he handles the female cast was groundbreaking. After Denise Richards played a scientist and Die Another Day crushed souls Campbell was brought back to save the day again with Casino Royale. If you own the Bond Blu-ray set you need to watch the Martin Campbell Goldeneye documentary.
In the immortal words of Sean Bean “It’s nice to work with somebody who knows what they are doing.”
2. The badass trailer moment.
The fact that Bond knows how to drive a tank is cool. However, watching him adjust his tie whilst in a tank chase is really cool. It made for a great trailer moment and was later perfected in Skyfall.
3. The former agent turned bad guy
Skyfall is the number one grossing Bond film of all time ($1.1 billion worldwide). Part of the success of the film belonged to former MI6 agent Raoul Silva. Silva was betrayed by the MI6 and comes up with an incredibly intricate plan to kill M. My favorite Bond villain is 006 Alec Trevelyan. He could match Bond’s skills and had a legit Bone to pick with the Brits. I love that they were former friends and he tried to embrace early cyber-terrorism (Silva perfected it). Of course, their plans are insane but that is what the Bond world needs. When you give Bond a legit opponent it brings out the best in him.
4. The jaw dropping and character defining cold open
How do you revitalize the Bond series? Well, you start with a badass opening that is filled with practical stunts, humor and intrigue. We get bungee jumping, motorcycling and mid-air plane rescues. There are one-liners, double crosses and plenty of personality. Bond was back! Martin Campbell did the same thing with Casino Royale. He understood the importance of starting strong.
Litte known fact: The guy doing the world record bungee jumping was more afraid of annoying director Martin Campbell than of the actual jump.
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5. The Bond girl who is more than a Bond girl
What I love about Natalya Simonova is that she plays a big part in assisting Bond. She hacks into computers, commandeers helicopters, shoots guns, escapes certain death and is a believable runner. She lives when she should die and resists Bond’s attempts for a big chunk of the film. Izabella Scorupco owned the role and aside from Eva Green she is my favorite Bond girl. The success of her character opened up the door for Michelle Yeoh, Sophie Marceau (imagine her in a Daniel Craig Bond film), Denise Richards (joke) and Halle Berry (ouch).
6. The athletic bond
Sean Connery and Roger Moore were fantastic but you could never call them physical. Roger Moore is a noted pacifist and Connery hated spiders.
They were great but were never interested in long sprints or spirited fisticuffs. George Lazenby threw a great uppercut but we never saw enough of him to figure out his prowess. In Goldeneye we had a running. jumping and physical Bond. Brosnan did a lot of his own stunts and that gave the film an authenticity. His brawl with 006 was fantastic and you could see the physical Bond perfected with Daniel Craig.
7. Judi Dench!
Dench is awesome and her introduction in Goldeneye was game changing. She called Bond on his crap and she lasted all the way through Skyfall. Her casting was brilliant and gave the films an Oscar pedigree.
8. No more foreplay – Xenia Onatopp
Xenia was a direct link to the cheeky names of Bond lore. What I love is she takes the henchman role and puts a modern spin on it. She was a step up from other femme fatales and gave the world some great trailer moments. The Best Bond films need great henchman and Xenia delivered.
9. The Aston Martin DB5/DBS!!!!!
Four out of my five favorite Bond films feature the Aston Martin DB5/DBS (sans From Russia). I love that car. It proved that Bond was going back its roots and respecting the storied history. Campbell brought it back in Casino and the usage was perfected in Skyfall.
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The MFF 1995 Random Awards: Part Two: A collection of nut shots, raspberries and swimming pools
Hello all. Mark here.
The 1995 train is rolling! So far Mallrats, Before Sunrise, Heist crews, Best Horror Moments, and part one of the Random Awards have been released. While working on the random awards I compiled a list so long it became two posts! I couldn’t cheat the world of random awards involving step siblings, Volkswagen back seats and John Leguizamo.
Here is part two of the random awards!
Best nut shot of 1995
How do you stop a four armed killing machine? Punch him in the balls. Is it honorable? Nope. Will you still be alive. Yep! Mortal Kombat is a weird film.
Best killing of an aquatic sea beast that is probably endangered
Kevin Costner and crew were hungry so he killed a 20 ton beast. Wasteful? Yes. Practical. No. Did it make Costner look amazing. Yep.
Worst movie theater patron ever
If Sam Neil from In the Mouth of Madness is in your theater I suggest you get a refund and find a bomb shelter.
Best moment involving David Allen Grier being frightened by a crocodile
Grier is hands down the best cinematic yeller
John Leguizamo can do anything award
Dude needs more fanfare.
When bringing a knife to a gun fight actually works award
Desperado was the coolest thing ever when I was 13. It had violence, music, more violence and Salma Hayek. My favorite moment involved Danny Trejo wiping people out with a whole lot of throwing knives. The dude was lethal.
I’m glad I wasn’t a troubled youth who ran into Nicole Kidman’s To Die For character award
Joaquin Phoenix never had a chance.
Best walking and talking
Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke have the walking and waxing poetic market cornered. I love Before Sunrise.
Sandra Bullock is such likable person she is able to pull off being a stalker award
While You Were Sleeping is about a subway attendant who weasels her way into a family via pretending to be the fiance of a man in a convenient movie coma. She pulls it off!
Best armored truck robbery disguises
The face paint work is glorious in Dead Presidents. However, what happened if they got sweaty? You would have tons of makeup in your eyes.
Emma Thompson is the best award
She wrote the adpated screenplay for Sense and Sensibility and proved she is pretty awesome. I’m still mad at Alan Rickman for his Love Actually antics.
Best yelling of the word “freedom” while being disemboweled
I’m amazed it was so coherent. My “freedom” yelling would have sound like “AAAHHHHHHHDOM”
Best neck stab via an angry Italian
Joe Pesci is really good at stabbing necks.
Best swimming pool gyrating by a Saved by the Bell cast member
Showgirls is insane! It has become a cult classic that is applauded for being so insane! This pool scene is bonkers.
You turned the word “raspberry” into “rahsperry.” award
Harvey Korman is a Mel Brooks All Star
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Remember how good Stephen Baldwin was in Usual Suspects award
Before movies like Sharks in Venice he was pulling off great roles in really good movies.
Best union of step-siblings
I love Clueless. Paul Rudd and Alicia Silverstone are so darn likable you can’t help but cheer for them to get together.
The back of Volkswagens are uncomfortable award
Kudos to Kevin Smith for driving a joke about Volkswagens being uncomfortable into the ground. I love Mallrats.
Best shopping cart full of booze
Nicolas Cage drank himself into the world’s hearts in Leaving Las Vegas. He also won an Oscar and has confused everybody for 20 years.
Best reaction to stuff
Friday is a really good film. Their “damn!” reaction has been stuck in the lexicon and temporary caused world peace.
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Kids, To Die For, Welcome to the Dollhouse and Village of the Damned: Ranking the Troubled Youth of 1995
1995 was a banner year for troubled youth. Kids, To Die For, Welcome to the Dollhouse, Basketball Diaries, Toy Story, Village of the Dammed and Dangerous Minds all featured kids in revolt. Whether they be misguided, feral or possessed by funky aliens these young people (I’m guessing 11-18) had some troubles. The following posts ranks the troubled youth and wonders where they might be today
Sidenote: In order to keep this post from being 20,000 words I had to leave out the trouble youth from Heavyweights, Hackers, Clockers, Powder, Angus, Quick and the Dead, Major Payne and Born to be Wild.
8. Village of the Damned – Mysteriously born blond jerks.
These little blond bombers were jerky creatures that hypnotized people via glowing eyes. However, they were stopped by a briefcase bomb and their hopes of annoying people were over.
Where are they now? Awaiting the remake.
7. Toy Story – The Unsupervised Toy Hater Sid.
Sid was a little maniac who blew up toys with aplomb and made life miserable for CGI creations.
John (The Horror Leviathan) has an interesting theory about Sid:
I have a theory that Toy Story’s Sid is actually the kid (Andy) from Child’s Play 1 & 2 (1988, 1990) a few years later, but before Child’s Play 3 (when he was a teenager in military school). You see, he had to change his name to avoid being found by Chucky. Naturally he hates toys now, especially toys with the potential to self-animate! So really, Sid is just taking preemptive action to avoid being killed by another sentient toy.
Where is he now? Well, The toys came to life and scared the crap out of him. I bet he is on some form of medication because his parents think he was acting out. He will always look at toys and wonder “Did I really see that?” The good news is that in Toy Story 3 he had a cameo as a garbageman. Seems like he turned it around and is doing a legit job that helps the world.
6. Dangerous Minds – The clichéd classroom
The high school students in Dangerous Minds were a troubled lot who needed a mentor. Their savior came in the form of leather jacket wearing Michelle Pfeiffer. I don’t see the kids from Village of the Damned falling for her teaching practices.
Where are they now? Living in a gangsters paradise
5. Welcome to the Dollhouse – Dawn
Dawn Weiner is a 7th grader who gets ignored at home, mistreated by classmates and when she asks why people don’t like her this is what happens.
Dawn Weiner: Why do you hate me?
Lolita: Because you’re ugly.
The worst part is the one kid who gives her attention speaks to her like this:
“Yo, Weiner, you better get ready, ’cause at three o’clock today, I’m gonna RAPE you!”
Even when poor Dawn acts out it blows up in her face. For instance, she doesn’t tell her sister to get a ride home from her ballet lesson and because of this her sister gets kidnapped by a sicko neighbor who lives on their street. The sister is rescued but this causes doom for future Dawn. The poor girl can’t win.
Where is she now? Hopefully, somewhere far from home where she isn’t constantly harassed by terrible people.
4. To Die For – Jimmy, Russell and Lydia
What happens when three delinquent teenagers dealing with low self-esteem and idiocy meet an insane blond bombshell? They end up murdering her husband, going to jail for life or selling out their friends. Poor Jimmy (Joaquin Phoenix) never had a chance. Russell (Casey Affleck) was too dumb to back out. Lydia (Alison Folland) gets Nicole Kidman on tape but she also proves her guilt. They are three incorrigible stooges that don’t have enough confidence to escape the blond’s tractor beam of doom.
Where are they now? Jimmy is 20 years in on a life sentence. Russell has been out of prison for four years and probably working as a limo driver. Lydia has become a private detective.
3. Heat – Lauren
The poor girl has a deadbeat dad, an absent step dad and trouble with depression. She is out of control and nobody does anything about it. It all culminates with her attempting suicide and things don’t get better from there. Natalie Portman had some interesting roles in the 1990s. Whether teaming up with a hitman in Leon or being admired by grown men in Beautiful Girls the girl got away with things I don’t think would happen today.
Where is she now? Val Kilmer had an idea for a Heat sequel. It revolved around him marrying Lauren and torturing Pacino. So, she is married to Val Kilmer.
2. Basketball Diaries – Jim
Jim was a star basketball player (think Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf) who got hooked on heroin and eventually turned to prostitution. He gets kicked out of his house, imagines killing his classmates (Which would later come back and haunt the producers), robs old ladies and waxes cheesily poetic. However, Ernie Hudson finds him and nurses him back to health and all is good again.
Where is he now? Writing poetry and running YMCA basketball games.
1. The kids from Kids
I watched Kids when I was 14 and I still can’t believe Blockbuster let me rent it. It left me flat on the couch staring at the television like I had been paralyzed. It was a bonkers slice of life written by a 19-year-old Harmony Corrine (Spring Breakers) and feels like a documentary. The kids were like feral animals who only wanted sex, drugs, sex, drugs and more sex. Harmony Korine and Larry Clark populated the film with street kids and this adds to the authenticity of the awfulness.
Where are they now? Dead, almost dead, presumed dead or local government officials.
Did I miss any troubled youth? Where would you rank them?
Toy Story
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Dracula: Dead and Loving It: Mel Brook’s 1995 Comedic Gem
But Lucy! I’m British.
I am a huge Mel Brook’s fan. Blazing Saddles is one of my favorite films and I can watch History of the World: Part One, Spaceballs, The Producers, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Young Frankenstein and To Be or Not To Be all day. His jokes speak to me and I love how he blends intelligent jokes with beautiful juvenile gags.
Dracula: Dead and Loving it is not Blazing Saddles or Young Frankenstein. However, it is a cheeky little thing that I loved when I was a teenager. My 13-year-old self loved every moment (wrong me!) and maybe I wasn’t jaded enough to dissect the film. I remember questioning what an enema was and wondering why that shadow was such a jerk. It is much better than the 11% Rotten Tomatoes score and features a fantastic finale that puts a spin on the average vampire movie.
I understand how in 1995 it was looked at with indifference. Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley had big films in 95 and they contrasted with poor Dracula. It was shot entirely on sound stages and felt like a throw back to earlier Mel Brook’s films. The problem with some of Brook’s earlier movies is they set a hilarious precedent that cannot be matched. There will never be another Blazing Saddles or Young Frankenstein. Dracula suffered because of changing times, expectations and a whole lot of cynicism. It is smarter than you think and I’m happy to see people appreciate it now.
She just ate!!!!
Like every other Dracula film it revolves around Dracula’s running amok in castles, crypts and on dance floors. Brooks leaves no coffin left unturned and he pillages movies like Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Nosferatu. Garlic is used with aplomb and necklines plunge deep (like every other Brooks film). You can tell the actors are having a blast and the laughs become infectious.
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Leslie Neilson fits in perfectly because he plays the gags straight and looks dignified even as he is crashing into glass windows. His Dracula is a mixture of weary, petty and flamboyant. He is constantly confounded by stupidity and his luck is worse than terrible.
He can also pull off the one-liners of Brook’s world. I love this exchange.
Van Helsing: Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?
Dr. Steward: Tepes?
Van Helsing: Ya. It means ‘The Impaler.’ He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!
Dracula: They had it coming.
Filling out the cast are Stephen Webber, Peter MacNicol, Harvey and Robin Hood: Men in Tights Amy Yasbeck. They are all game and I love their weird accents, wordplay (Rahsperries) and all-in gamesmanship. Brooks has always found a way to cast his films perfectly and the Dracula crew deliver.
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My favorite scene is between MacNicol and Harvey Korman. MacNicol is trying to prove he is sane but he keeps eating bugs in front of an exasperated Korman. They actually wrote the film around this scene and the crew had to be vacated during filming because they couldn’t stop laughing.
Dracula: Dead and Loving it is an under appreciated gem that still feels fresh today. I can see how it fell through the cracks but I love that it is gaining an audience. Another good thing about Dracula is that it inspired Brooks to push other creative boundaries. In an interview with The AV Club Brook’s admitted that the disappointment pushed him to Broadway.
It’s a real world, and I was seeing that at this point, Mel Brooks pictures were not doing as well as, let’s say a Judd Apatow picture. I said, “Well, maybe it’s time to do something else instead of just making more movies.” I thought, and I thought, and I thought, and I said, “I shouldn’t make another movie. I should follow a different road and a different vision.” And the new yellow brick road took me to Broadway. I was once again Mel Brooks and won more Tonys for The Producers with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick than anybody else had ever won on Broadway. So I was Mel Brooks again. And I was giving the world the best of me. I was giving them the songwriter in me, as well as the comedian, as well as the producer.
Watch Dracula: Dead and Loving it. Appreciate the team up of Neilsen and Brooks. Always keep garlic around and never kill a vampire after they’ve eaten.
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The MFF 1995 train is rolling and the posts are aplenty! So far we’ve unleashed The Random Awards, Heist Crew, The Best Worst fight of 95, Best Horror Moments and a love letter to Mallrats and Before Sunset. The following post examines some of the best fights of 1995 and cherishes the things that made them great!
We had Jackie Chan rumbling in the Bronx, Bond mixing it up with a woman called Onatopp and Ice Cube hitting people in the head with bricks. I’m sure there are more technical fights but these are the scraps that have been burnt in my memory.
Kiss of Death – Little Junior Brown vs. Jimmy Kilmartin
I was going to write about the strip club throw down between Nicolas Cage and David Caruso. The scene was bonkers and did a fine job destroying the decorations within the strip club. However, I just want you to watch this video of Nicolas Cage as Little Junior Brown (Awesome!) throwing a guy out of a truck. There are three things I want you to notice. Look for the asthma inhaler, facial hair and terrible fall the stuntman takes.
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Friday – Craig vs. Deebo
Let him be a man!
The fight feels real because the punches seem like they actually hurt. Weight is added because this isn’t a meaningless fight. It is all about Craig becoming a man and eschewing guns for fists. He had a good chance of losing the brawl but at least he will live to fight another day. I love how nobody jumped in and how the two beat the crap out of each other.
David beat Goliath with a stone and Craig took out Deebo with a brick.
NSFW
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Rob Roy – Rob Roy vs. Cunningham
I am including this fight for one reason. Cunningham (Tim Roth) is winning the fight as he slowly wears down the larger Rob Roy (Liam Neeson). However, one lapse from Cunningham and Roy grabs the swords and vanquishes his cocky foe. Roth plays the scene wordless and his exasperation is evident. It was a gangster moment that has been burnt in my memory for 20 years. This is one of the first instances of Liam Neeson showing off his particular set of skills. Rob Roy has the market cornered on sword grabs.
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Goldeneye – James Bond vs. Xenia Onatopp
No more foreplay! It is the perfect Bond trailer moment and somehow plays sexy, violent and cool. It feels weird watching Bond toss around a woman but she would have inevitably killed him via leg squeeze. Brosnan is pound for pound the best hurt actor on the planet (Thank you James Bonding podcast). When Onatopp latches those gams around his waist Brosnan’s acting almost hurts you.
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Tommy Boy – Four punches and a board to the face.
After a near fatal highway accident Tommy and Richard have had enough of each other. Tommy incites Richard into a fight and eats four punches and a board across the face. It is the classic case of little guy in a little coat beating up a big guy in a big coat.
I love the build up and dialogue during the fight.
Richard Hayden: Look Mommy, the Rhino’s getting too close to the car.
Tommy: Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.
Richard Hayden: All right, that’s it, fat boy, I’m gonna wail on you.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, it’s Papa Smurf!
Richard Hayden: You don’t want none of me; think it through.
Tommy: Just gimme your best shot.
[Richard Punches him]
Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can’t you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I’d call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
Tommy: That was a good one.
Richard Hayden: [Richard looks up] Hey, Prehistoric Forest!
Because of this fight we get this great line:
It doesn’t hurt here, or here, but right here.
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Rumble in the Bronx – Market Fight Scene
I love how Jackie Chan wipes out these punks quickly and proficiently. He throws some beautiful spin kicks, uses his surrounding well and his jacket becomes a weapon of mass destruction. Rumble in the Bronx was the first Jackie Chan film I watched and I immediately sought out his other action classics. I love how the Market fight blends awesome choreography and humor. It plays like a ballet of face punches.
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Mortal Kombat – Goro and the unexpected nut shot.
What do you do when a four armed immortal stands in front of you. You punch him in the balls and run! Great game plan. Perfect execution. Hurt balls.
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The Best/Worst Fight of 1995: Analyzing the Goro vs. Johnny Cage fight in Mortal Kombat
The world loves great fights. When choreography, solid editing and courageous stunt men unite we get showstopping moments that live forever. One fight scene that lives in infamy is the short and awkward fight between Johnny Cage and Goro. Two men, six arms, four legs, one nut shot and two very surprised eyes.
We are promised a brawl for the ages and instead we get a slightly practical fight that features more one-liners than punches. They don’t say it but this is the only “flawless victory” in the film. There is nothing flawless about this fight because it features two experienced fighters making terrible decisions.
Here is how it plays out. Goro enters the human circle and screams something that sounds like “WHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAOOOOOHHHHHHH (Scream has been shortened for readers). He is cheered on by a crowd of ninjas who seem like a mixture between a stereotypical fraternity met shoddily clothed ninjas and they fell into a radioactive vat filled with Monster energy drinks. What do these guys do with their free time?
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As Goro’s yelling subsides Johnny Cage enters the dark cave wearing traditional white-collar fighting garb (button up shirt. aviator sunglasses and slacks). Before Cage can say something pithy his glasses are smooshed by Goro. Do you find it odd that an immortal killing machine finds pleasure in crushing sunglasses? I know the director was appeasing the video game fans with the glasses but what was Cage’s plan with them? Would he hand them to Raiden? Imagine having an immortal watching your sunglasses during a fight!
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Goro is then instructed to finish Cage quickly and replies “this puny mortal will be no problem. I’ll crush him in one blow.” I have a problem with this because it is a terrible strategy. What if it takes more than one blow and Goro looks silly? With four arms imagine the kind of jab/hook/jab/cross combos he could throw. Why not wear him down with combos then “finish him?” My guess is that suit was not flexible so Goro could only lift his arms up menacingly. Eventually, Goro lifts his arms WAY above his head expecting Cage to be frozen in fear. As the arms reach maximum height Cage does a split and this happens.
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I love that they shot a close up of Goro reacting to a nut shot. Pure gold.
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I love that somebody thought to deliver Cage’s video game nut shot/split at this moment. I also love that after the punch lands Raiden (the immortal god) punches a bro-ninja in the arm and yells “Yes!” This nut shot tactic not only delivers a laugh but it saved the audience from realizing how cumbersome the Goro outfit actually was. It was like when Harrison Ford was sick on the Indiana Jones set so they simply had him shoot his foe. Back to the fight!
As Goro’s eye enlarge Johnny makes his escape to a dead-end cliff (of course). Cage hides up in some rocks and allows Goro to walk right past him (would an immortal fall for that?). Cage gives away his strategic position by saying “those were $500 sunglasses asshole.” The line is followed up by a kick, kick, spin kick and another kick. Goro goes flying off of the cliff and hangs perilously on a strategic rock. Instead of “finishing” the fight Cage says “this is where you fall down.” Guess what happens? Goro falls into a stormy abyss of certain death. Fight over.
So, we get one nut shot, four kicks and several one-liners. Greatest fight ever!!!!!
Final analysis: If you are an immortal killing machine never leave your nuts open to a sneaky Hollywood actor.
If you are interested in reading about more fights John (The Horror Leviathan) has written about the scraps in Bowfinger, Troy and Undefeatable. I recently covered the back-breaking fights of Nicholas Sparks films as well.
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There are great horror films (e.g., Saw, The Conjuring), there are typically color-by-numbers trope-rich sequels (e.g., A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise) and there are zany, gory, low budget direct-to-video releases (e.g., Puppet Master and almost everything by Full Moon Entertainment). Generally we see maybe one or two greats, several enjoyable trope-rich flicks, and countless DTV releases in any given year. We recently did some articles on more recent “best moments” in horror: 15 Images for 15 Years of Horror: Part 1: some of the greatest, goriest, most shocking and most memorably defining moments in horror since 2000 and 15 Images for 15 Years of Horror: Part 2: The Good, the Bad and the Hilarious.
The year of 1995, however, was a year in which the horror well ran dry. There were almost no sequels to please fans of proven franchises, few DTV releases worth mentioning, and the best movie referenced in this article (Species) has been borrowed from Sci-Fi and is included on the basis of the gore. But, in honor of our “1995 Year in Review Week” we turn back the clock 20 years to reflect on the more memorable moments that 1995’s horror had to offer. So here are 10 moments from 10 movies, in no particular order…
Species (1995) managed to present two things terrifying to men. A woman’s coming of age is gruesomely depicted in the cocoon/chrysalis scene and, of course, Sil (Natasha Henstridge) pulls a praying mantis and kills men after sex…after transforming into a no-longer-sexy mix of a tentacle monster and H. R. Giger’s Alien! Natasha Henstridge even got breast implants for this role and talked about it in interviews. Truth be told, Species was basically a high budget sexploitation movie masquerading as a sci-fi special effects thrill ride.
The Prophecy (1995) made the ultimate badass fallen angel out of Christopher Walken. “Shhhh.” That’s all I have to say. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go see this movie. The film was original and it hasn’t been ripped off (that I’ve noticed) in 20 years.
Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995) made bees REALLY creepy. Case 39 (2009) did a good job with the unnerving yellowjacket/hornet scene when Bradley Cooper bites it. But Candyman was haunting…bees in mouths…bees on flesh-stripped ribcages. Just gross! LOL
Village of the Damned (1995) proved that between 1960 and 1995 very little had changed…we still found that blond kids that don’t smile are creepy as Hell!
Tales from the Crypt presents Demon Knight (1995) and a most charming Billy Zane. He seemed so persuasive, didn’t he? Now imagine how Titanic and Demon Knight would have turned out differently if these two movies swapped Billy Zane personalities.
Lord of Illusions (1995) and the sword trick. When that trick started to go wrong, I started reeling! A great scene from a little known horror that saw a theatrical release, but then got forgotten by most as if it was a Full Moon direct-to-video release. This flick was, in fact, worth it!
Tales from the Hood (1995) takes Blaxploitation too far and gets a bit racist. Just look at this doll!
Vampire in Brooklyn (1995) is basically Boomerang (1992) made into a horror comedy. Just compare the movie posters…same face, woman in similar pose, hovering over the city.
Ice Cream Man (1995)…because Clint Howard! That’s why! He actually won an MTV Lifetime Achievement Award in 1998.
The Granny (1995)…the most ridiculous horror release of 1995 next to Ice Cream Man. I’m not saying you “should” see this…but it’s really….something. LOL
Movies, Films & Flix 