Need For Speed: Fast Cars. Full Tanks. Can’t Go Slow
Need For Speed doesn’t think, it moves. The stunts are unbelievable, the plot thin and characters likable. The script may be pure gobbledygook but the racing is full of visceral beauty and pure practical bliss. There are moments when the practical stunts and fuel injected speed make your heart pound with delight. The races that lead to death, imprisonment and fireballs are things of beauty directed expertly by director Scott Waugh.
Waugh is a former stuntman (amazing IMDB resume) who cut his teeth directing the practical stunt filled Act of Valor. Characters are not his strong point but he is saved by the solid cast of likable actors. I am a big fan of Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad, Smashed), Imogen Poots (Fright Night, 28 Weeks Later), Rami Malek (Pacific, Short Term 12), and Kid Cudi. They all get their moments to shine despite having to recite stock dialogue. The chemistry is strong as well. You can tell that Poots and Paul enjoyed their time on Long Way Down because they’ve reunited and added a nice romance to the racing.
Need For Speed is not meant to be deconstructed. The story is simple. A man is looking for revenge against the rich slime ball who killed his friend. He needs to travel from New York to San Francisco in 45 hours and is joined by his loyal crew and pretty passenger. The goal is to make it to a famous race where the winner becomes a millionaire racing legend. The race is uber secret and sponsored by a billionaire internet personality played by the perennially sitting down Michael Keaton. There is a need for speed and the highlights all involve the little characters moments that build upon the budding romance or loyal friendship of the talented crew.
The plot holes would engulf the beautiful vehicles that race recklessly on the wrong side of the road. You could scoff at the dialogue and hair gell every minute. Why do that though? The thing you need to do is sit back, relax and enjoy the mayhem. Appreciate the random moments of naked quitting and Kid Cudi spying on joggers via stolen news helicopter. If all else fails simply enjoy the sounds of the beautiful Ford Mustang.
Need For Speed was meant to bring us car mayhem and it succeeded. It is a successful adaptation of a popular video game that has sold over 150 million units. It isn’t as gleefully gravity breaking as The Fast series but still manages to keep you planted in your seat while things go boom. The revenge plot works because Dominic Cooper (Dead Man Down, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) is such a slimy bad guy you want him to be defeated. His character is such a turd that you relish the moment when he gets defeated.
I enjoyed Need for Speed. I brushed over the faults and let the car mayhem win the day. Richard Corliss of Time summed up the movie perfectly with this closing quote:
This is cinema reduced or distilled to its purest definition, of movies that move. If you want dewy humanity in your entertainment, watch Lifetime.
Enjoy the ride!
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The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Grand Budapest Hotel is a charming roller coaster ride featuring a fantastic Ralph Fiennes performance. The plot is fast and loose (undoubtedly planned meticulously by Anderson) and feels more like an excuse for Anderson to unleash his visual aesthetic onto the world. Characters take a back seat to fantastic set pieces and the film feels like Anderson is now comfortable and confident with his visual abilities.
The story centers around famed conceirge Gustave H. and his protege Zero Moustafa. Together, they conspire in theft, prison escape and several fist fights in the faux-European nation of Zubrowka. Their world is changing as pomp and circumstance are being replaced with violence in the pre-World War II world. There is a darkness to The Grand Budapest Hotel that was only glimpsed in prior Wes films. The murder, language and evil lurking around the corner combined with the slapstick make for an entirely new Anderson experience that is both welcome and worrying.
Fiennes does his best to steal the show but it is the production design and dolly shots that rule the day. The film features a fully realized world that no doubt has been broken down to minutiae. The credits, sets, accouterments, costumes and miniatures are all stellar. (read about some of the work here and here and here).
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Wes Anderson is my favorite director and the reason for this is his blending of characters and unique story. Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, Life Aquatic, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Darjeeling Limited and Royal Tenenbaums introduced us to memorable characters who stand out amongst the tchokies. They are fully realized and fit perfectly within the alternate worlds that Wes created. My favorite character is Richie Tenenbaum. The conflicted tennis player who went down to one sock.
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However, as good as the acting is in Grand Budapest I don’t think there will be any iconic characters. I’ll admit that I am a spoiled Anderson fan and I can’t expect great characters from every film. However, I hope Anderson doesn’t lose site of the small characters that he has made a career off of. His past two films Moonrise Kingdom and Budapest have all featured neat individuals who are all endearing. However, it is the moments you remember and the people feel like tools to achieve a visual aesthetic or charming moment.
I loved The Grand Budapest Hotel. It is movie making at its finest. However, I hope Wes doesn’t lose focus of his characters amongst the set design and set pieces. His characters are what make his films iconic. I can’t wait to see what he does next.
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MY CALL: This movie really wishes it was Olympus Has Fallen (2013), but turns out to be more like the utter failure A Good Day to Die Hard (2013). The action just didn’t live up to the scale. I guess it was rather enjoyable and fun, just not terribly recommendable. AMAZON REVIEWS: Amazon reviewers seem to really like this movie. I’m not sure why. Maybe their younger or just easier to please and less elitist than me. I just wanted to be fair let you fine readers know that I seem to be the outlier in not being thrilled with this movie.
As Cale, Channing Tatum (Magic Mike, Side Effects, G. I. Joe: Retaliation) instantly renews his appeal to women as a dapper DC cop who playfully talks to squirrels, uses political favors to make his daughter smile and has the most likably neutral answers to personal questions. Unfortunately, like any wannabe-John-McClane he has some serious communication issues with his daughter and ex-wife. He applies for a secret service position and during the interview we learn what a screw up he once was, despite his claims to have turned his life around.
At his daughter’s request, they stick around for a White House tour after his cataclysmically awful, character dissecting job interview which, thankfully, makes him available to play the hero when the terrorists make their move and take over the White House to take the president hostage. The only credible role among the bad guys was played by Jason Clark (Lawless, Zero Dark Thirty)–no shock there. That guy could convincingly play a bag of shit lit on fire without the assistance of make-up or a special effects team.
Oh, crap. James Woods is here. This can only end badly.
Channing Tatum engages in a lot of, ummmm, “adequate” movie violence. Often taking on multiple gunman at once, he appears to be victorious for no more reason than simply because the script “says so”–and not from any means of looking like a convincing tactician or paragon of marksmanship. He does make excellent use of an economy-size toaster as an improvised weapon for about two seconds, but that opportunity is quickly squandered in lieu of run-of-the-mill fast-cut close-up action and we don’t get to enjoy any of the laughs we should have from it.
Jaime Fox gives us his best Obama impression, which comes off as more annoying than likable. He was okay.
Not even when the Presidential stretch Escalade Limo is in a demolition derby on the White House lawn and under fire by antiaircraft guns was I impressed; a long action sequence wasted. Even the explosions didn’t get enough screen time to wow us!
It’s nothing special; certainly not as good as Gerard Butler’s work in Olympus Has Fallen. I’d say the PG-13 rating is about the worst thing that could’ve happened to a project like this. If you want to see some amazing and fun action sequences, I suggest Swordfish (2001), Live Free or Die Hard (2007), Olympus Has Fallen (2013) or Pacific Rim (2013).
Joey King’s (The Conjuring, Oz the Great and Powerful, The Dark Knight Rises) brave role as child to her handsome on-screen father (Channing Tatum) and the lack of extreme violence, swearing and nudity, make this a perfect action movie for a mother to take her son to see. Just to be clear, that’s my way of saying this action movie sucks. But bros who love big biceps and bigger guns will be disappointed by the lack of blood and swear-rich one-liners.
Channing Tatum spends a lot of time in a tank top. No surprise here.
Director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Patriot, Universal Soldier, Stargate) is no stranger to large scale action movies, but I feel that he really missed the mark on intensity and scale here. Halfway through this movie I found myself just waiting for it to end. The action didn’t improve as the story wore on, rather it got less impressive. I could tell that there were some good ideas for action, but either the budget failed Emmerich, or Emmerich’s vision is just not what it used to be.
This movie really wishes it was Olympus Has Fallen (2013), but turns out to be more like the utter failure A Good Day to Die Hard (2013) in the sense that I wasn’t as impressed as the grandiose scale of the action should have merited. I guess it was enjoyable and often fun, just not recommendable.
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John’s Horror Corner: Wishmaster (1997), explaining why evil Djinn genie jerks can’t even earn their freedom by granting wishes
MY CALL: This was one of the more fun horror movies of the 90s, complete with a broad diversity of deaths, gore and effects. MORE MOVIES LIKE Wishmaster: Urban Legends (1998), I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997).
This movie is based on the idea that man was born of earth, angels of light, and Djinn of fire. These Djinn dwell in “the void.” Now, I’m no theologian, but when they next say that if a Djinn grants three wishes it’s freed upon the earth, I’m guessing that’s not from any religious text that folks study in seminary school.
Okay, so the Star Wars movies took place “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” where the Emperor wears his favorite hoody, shaves his eyebrows, suffers from red eye, and has powers. The Djinn is way old, shares all of the same qualities, and his hoody is tattered from eons of imprisonment. He also lives in “the void”, which I doubt is in our galaxy. BRO!!!! I think they’re the same dude!
Our story begins in 12th century Persia when some jerk wishes to be “shown wonders.” Can we just start by criticizing this stupid wish? A “wonder” to a wealthy Persian would wildly differ from a “wonder” to a homeless person. Purely subjective. If I were that genie I’d take “wonders” literally and make it so that the wisher could see thought bubbles hovering over people’s heads that showed what they were thinking. What follows is a gloriously gory sequence loaded with fun, diverse special effects ranging from a woman being attacked by a monster that formed from a man’s guts, a snake man mutant, a man’s stop-motion animated skeleton rips itself from its skin and attacks people, and some other fun stuff. After this delightfully entrail-rich sequence I think we all know we’re in for a fun ride!
This reminds me of Kuato, the psychic mutant stomach twin from Total Recall.
The hooded Djinn (Andrew Divoff; Lost) sounds just like The Emperor from Star Wars! They must be related. He would surely have take over the earth had a man not imprisoned him in a large ruby. Fast forward to present day and some gemologist (Tammy Lauren) rubs the ruby during an appraisal, thus resetting the pandemonium.
This poor dude made the classic blunder of wishing his eyes were melted shut. He probably thought it was going to be way cooler.
Directed by special effects artist Robert Kurtzman (Jinn, Texas Chainsaw 3-D, John Dies at the End), clearly we see influence from the great horror of the 80s. For example, the Djinn “hatches” from the ruby looking quite similar to the quadruple-aputee monster that Craig T. Nelson vomits out in Poltergeist II (1986). Then, after granting his first wish, he slimily metamorphoses a la Hellraiser (1987) to his crusty Djinn form.
Here’s the Djinn’s BEFORE PHOTO…
Here’s the AFTER PHOTO.
But he’s still just one peeled and borrowed face away from…
This dashing fellow!
To gain his freedom, the Djinn wanders around town trying to find Alexandra, the somewhat cute gemologist that rubbed his ruby prison. Now, every other genie pretty much ever appears immediately when its lamp is rubbed. It seems to me that if this Djinn was just more punctual, he wouldn’t have missed her after he emerged. He’s just lazy! During his search he coaxes (even fools) people to make wishes which he swiftly Monkey Paws, often resulting in their death. A bum, not realizing the genie’s power, trades his soul for a shower and a jug of Jack Daniels. A cop wishes he could convict a felon, who then shoots several of his colleagues in front of him at the precinct. A woman wishes to be beautiful forever and is turned into a mannequin. You get the idea. Yet, for all the evil genie’s power, he needs to ask around and interrogate people in order to find Alexandra so that he can force her to make three wishes.
The Djinn animates a gang of golems to help him.
It occurs to me that this genie would have been free long ago if he wasn’t such a jerk. I mean, think about it. If he granted wishes like the nice Robin Williams Disney genie, then people wouldn’t be afraid of him or his twisted wish-granting. He’d grant a wish, the wisher would be happy, he’d grant two more wishes, and he’d be free! It’s not like he has to ruin the wishes. He’s just an ass about it. If you ask me he deserves to be trapped in his gem prison without cable TV or Netflix for eternity!
Two more unfortunate wishes gone wrong. I tried to tell them that “an arrow through the face” and “a crushed skull” weren’t good wish ideas. They didn’t listen.
The special effects are abundant, gory, fun, and result in a variety of entertaining deaths. Also enjoy all the familiar faces of horror icons. Look for cameos by Ted Raimi (Oz the Great and Powerful, Drag Me to Hell), Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Hatchet, Galaxy of Terror), Tom Savini (Machete Kills, The Theater Bizarre), Tony Todd (Final Destination 5, Hatchet), Kane Hodder (Chillerama, Hatchet, Ghoulies Go to College) and narration by Angus Scrimm (John Dies at the End, Phantasm, Subspecies, Chopping Mall).
Kane Hodder gets a rather interesting cameo death.
This movie was one of the horror highlights of the 90s. It’s not conventionally considered “good” in any film classes, but it’s fun and entertaining. I enjoy it as much today as I did when it came out in 1997.
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Tokyo Shock: Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (2011), a largely inappropriate, exploitative fecal fiesta of tapeworm-induced zombiism!
NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW
THIS POST IS ABSOLUTELY NSFW
MY CALL: A largely inappropriate, exploitative fecal fiesta of tapeworm-induced zombiism. If you love ass and fart jokes, then this may be your Tokyo Shock Pulp Fiction (1994). I loved it! Needless to say, you shouldn’t watch this with your mother. MORE MOVIES LIKE Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead: Tokyo Gore Police (2008) and Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009) also stand among the better representatives of the genre, delivering weirdly clever monsters/opponents and disturbingly creative gore, deaths and mutations–but they do so with a more serious tone. But if you prefer the wacktastic style of Noboru Iguchi, then try The Machine Girl (2008), RoboGeisha (2009) and Dead Sushi (2012). Also, in the spirit of ass-themed horror comedy, try Bad Milo (2013)-the story of an ass demon. Another bonkers wacktastic film featuring parasites and odd side-effects is Growth(2010).
Considering that the opening credits features girls dancing in short shorts and eating hot dogs, it seems that horror comedy writer/director Noboru Iguchi (The Machine Girl, RoboGeisha, The ABC’s of Death – “F” is for Fart, Dead Sushi) will never change his quirky ways…not that I’m complaining at all. In fact, I’d call this his best work yet BY FAR and one of the better installments to the growing exploitative Tokyo Shock genre.
A group of friends venture to the wilderness in search of trout parasites (tapeworms which they’ll evidently catch with a butterfly net) to make wannabe actress Maki (Asana Mamoru) thinner so she can be famous. Fearing that a zombie would have them arrested for catching trout off-season, they abandon their mission. But not before the large-breasted Maki swallows a fishing lure-like tapeworm to begin her journey to skinny town.
They wander to a nearby village which is filled with diarrhea-smeared zombies which vomit, you guessed it, more diarrhea. Why? I have no idea, probably because it’s gross and it makes drunk and high people laugh…and me. While succumbing to some wicked constipation along with the emergence of an evil mutant ass-tapeworm from her rear end, Maki becomes zombie kibble.
Yuck! This looks like a job for two-ply for sure.
Our protagonist Matrix-bullet-dodging, martial artist, school girl Megumi (Arisa Nakamura; The ABC’s of Death – “F” is for Fart, Kazuo Umezu’s Horror Theater: The Harlequin Girl) is a quiet, innocent loner. But when the shit hits the fan and the crap-covered deadites are upon them she gains a Dwayne Johnson-like proficiency for shotgun headshots and general ass-kickery.
At least she’s wearing practical underwear. I never understood how those ninja girls in Mortal Kombat could comfortably fight in their leather thongs.
We learn that every zombie has an evil monster tapeworm, which actually eats and then controls the brain of the infected body, and the zombies bite to infect others with tapeworm eggs. An early symptom of this tapeworm-induced zombiism is profuse fart emission. Hmmmm, I’m no tapeworm expert buuuuuuuuut…seems legit.
If you find this in your stool I would strongly recommend that you call a doctor.
Inappropriate bathroom scenes, an ass-to-mouth skewering, exploitative ass-grabbing, laboratory enemas, a lot of sexual and phallic scenes involving tapeworms, some nudity, feces-slathered sewage zombies, lots of bleeding from the ass, sexual tapeworm impregnation, panty-revealing high kicks, weaponized anal tapeworms and gastrointestinal sound effects all do their integral parts to contribute to this fart-scored film’s raunchy charm.
Reminds me of The Human Centipede.
Shit is everywhere. The stool-studded zombies even throw shit like they’re in the middle of a monkey shit-fight at the zoo. There’s spraying vomit (done with weak effects), blood-gushing prosthetic dismemberments, and the jettisoned gore is complemented by CGI and silly scenarios. It’s all done quite well and there was hardly a slow minute in this movie.
What really stoked the fires of hilarity is when the zombies start skittering backwards, butts in the air with their evil ass-tapeworms turtle-heading out of their rectal domains ready to strike. This butt-first assault briefly reminded me of endearing scenes from Braveheart (1995).
Eeeesh. I hope it wasn’t chili night at the William Wallace mess hall.
This form of unsavory ass assault is so effective that we even find it employed in nature. This looks like the beetle that sprayed Simba in The Lion King.
Regarding the action, this movie truly succeeded where its predecessors failed. The action was often original and some of the hand-to-hand combat was not only quite entertaining and thoughtfully (though humorously) choreographed, but well-executed given the effects and budget. We also enjoy tapeworms whipping from elevated cabooses like Scorpion’s Mortal Kombat “get over here” harpoon…which then turn a bit into Anime-style sexual assaults with tentacles.
The action-packed finale is loaded with diverse, decently-executed effects, a nifty monster for Megumi to fight, a clearly unconsensual tentacle mating scene, and aerial combat made possible by anal jet propulsion which all culminates in a Top Gun aerial death-by-enema victory! Because, when zombie-infected tapeworm evil is defeated by an enema in a fart-propelled dogfight, don’t we all win?
As if this movie could be spoiled for anyone, I’ll now warn “SPOILER ALERT.” What really brings this together is the underlying plot that a scientist has an “agreement” with the tapeworms contingent on the tapeworms curing his daughter’s myeloid leukemia. See? It’s thoughtful writing like this that proves that there are still original ideas out there.
Despite the exploitative, highly sexualized nature of this movie, it’s funny and never gets more than a bit awkwardly raunchy…for a Tokyo Shock film. If you can handle the Evil Dead (2013) tree rape scene, then this will be fine. It’s all in good (i.e., totally gross and raunchy) fun and the action ranks quite high in Tokyo Shock canon. This is one of the best Tokyo Shockers I’ve seen since I first saw Tokyo Gore Police (2008)! Needless to say, you shouldn’t watch this with your mother. BUT WATCH IT!
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John’s Horror Corner: Frontiers (2007), a fine installment to extreme French splatter cinema
MY CALL: This is a well-composed, solidly executed film and lovers of cruelty and jaw-dropping violence will likely enjoy it. It’s not great–but very good for sure. MORE MOVIES LIKE Frontiers: Looking for more extreme French cinema? Go for Martyrs (2008) and High Tension (2003) for sure! TITLE VARIATIONS: Frontier(s) or Frontière(s).
I’m beginning to develop a fondness for extreme French cinema. Martyrs (2008) and High Tension (2003) delivered some solid splatter along with well-thought stories that didn’t seem run-of-the-mill, formulaic or familiar. Frontiers may follow the ABCs of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, but it remains well-executed and moderately interesting.
Four morally questionable twentysomethings flee to the country from Paris after political events result in violent riots citywide. They find their way to an inn run by some rather crude, aggressive, lascivious folk…two attractive women, and their rough brother Goetz (Samuel Le Bihan; Brotherhood of the Wolf). They exude a strange mixture of unnervingly forced hospitality and an almost sociopathic abrasiveness. During their stay we come to find that much more of this strange family runs things around here…and not in the most conventional of ways.
This twisted family turns out to be a bunch of cannibalistic neo-Nazis with a patriarchal pecking order and they have plans for their new guests. From here, as with any Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wrong Turn, Hostel or Hills Have Eyes film, we sit back and watch while wondering if any of our protagonists make it out alive.
Writer/director Xavier Gens (The ABCs of Death – X is for XXL) brings us from a socially/sociopathically awkward bed and breakfast to a tour de force of violence, cruelty and gore. From hooks through Achilles tendons to using boltcutters on Achilles tendons, this film provided me with ample reasons to wince…and a lot of reasons for me to fear for my Achilles tendons! The sound editors clearly had their hands full with all of the bloodsplatter, bludgeoning, crushing and stabbing going on.
I was especially pleased with the acting. I don’t speak French, but the fear of the victims felt real and the family had a more intelligent and methodical Texas Chainsaw-esquevibe to their unsettling behavior and fearful respect of their father. The fear was certainly merited and shared by the audience because of the tone set by the constant violence. Although the violence never turns to rape or sexualized violence (like so many movies just out to shock us at whatever cost), there is abundant violence against women and the ease with which it’s executed is truly illustrative of the soulessness of our villains.
I found this to be a well-composed, solidly executed film and lovers of cruelty and shocking violence will likely enjoy it. It’s not as intense, innovative, jaw-dropping or spectacular as Martyrs, nor does its mood ascend to the weirdness of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but this deserves the time of anyone who watches more than one horror movie per week.
This review was of the unrated director’s cut, which was not available with English dubbing. Surprisingly, the subtitles seemed poorly translated at times. I won’t explain…it’s no big deal, but you’ll see what I mean unless you can follow the film in French.
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Cheap Thrills: A Most Dangerous Game
Cheap Thrills is the story of a down on his luck man who is drawn into a night of insanity. Pleasant it ain’t but it has an organic nastiness that doesn’t feel forced. It is a confidently directed trip down a rabbit hole of twisted human nature.
I was drawn to Cheap Thrills because of its distributor. Drafthouse films is a Texas theater company who’ve been releasing risky films and documentaries like The Act of Killing, Bullhead, Miami Connection, The FP, Four Lions, A Field in England, Klown and The ABCs of Death. Their films have an indie pedigree that I enjoy so I knew Cheap Thrills had something to offer.
Cheap Thrills carries the Alamo flag (89% RT) successfully and it is the epitome of the Drafthouse motto:
Destroying the barriers between grindhouse and art-house
The barriers are coming down as this violent little film is beginning to collect widespread media attention (Grantland loved Cheap Thrills). Recently, it won the midnighter madness award at SXSW and has been making the rounds around the big media outlets such as EW and Forbes.
Director E.L. Katz who formerly wrote for Fangoria does a great job of capturing the claustrophobia, humor and horror of the situation. He draws strong performances from the cast and elevates the material to where even the most conservative of critic appreciates the work. The film can be frustrating and vague but I think that will only further discussion and leave more to the imagination of the viewer. It leaves you with questions in which there are no easy answers.
The film centers around a man having a very bad day. Pat Healy (Innkeepers) is drinking away his problems one night after losing his job. He is close to eviction and has to figure out how to provide for his family. He is about to leave when he bumps into an old friend played by Ethan Embry (Empire Records, Can’t Hardly Wait). The two catch up and their dialogue does a good job of defining the two soon to be hurting characters.
Eventually, they are invited to join up with David Koechner (Anchorman) and his trophy wife Sara Paxton (Innkeepers, Shark Night) and it all gets weird. The husband and wife are celebrating her birthday and they start throwing money away like nothing. They bring the two men into their betting games and the wheels of doom are set in motion.
It starts with a tequila drinking contest for $50. Then, whoever gets slapped first by a woman gets $200. The dares escalate (holding breath, revenge on neighbors, peeing on shoes) and it all culminates to a doozy of a final shot.
The movie has a nasty streak that will alienate many but capture a solid cult following. It wears you out but it doesn’t drain you with depravity. It walks a tight rope of gore and despair but manages to not fall into a nothingness abyss. David Koechner and Sara Paxton remain mysterious throughout as we never get any revelations about them. Are they really a couple? Have they done this before? The questions are welcome because it leaves you to come up with the answers.
Cheap Thrills is not for everyone. However, it is a fantastic genre piece that will garner a huge cult audience and push Alamo films to the next level of art-house grindhouse.
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John’s Horror Corner: They Live (1988), featuring bubble gum, kicking ass, cheese dip and corporate alien takeovers
MY CALL: This sort of hilarious yet smart social commentary is like if a budgetless comedic The Matrix came out in 1988…oh, and there was no “matrix” or kung fu. Okay, fine! It’s nothing like The Matrix! MORE MOVIES LIKE They Live: The Hidden (1987), The Stuff (1985), The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) and, on a microcosmic level The Thing(1982, 2011), all provide stories in which trust and conspiracy are tested during surreptitious alien takeovers.
Because the then-famous then-WWF wrestler Roddy Piper is playing a nameless drifter hero he is cast as “Nada” in the film–even though no one ever refers to him by this nonsense casting name. With this role Piper joins such nameless hero ranks with Kurt Russell (Soldier), Kevin Costner (Waterworld, The Postman), Antonio Banderas (Desperado), Scott Adkins (El Gringo), Dwayne Johnson (Faster) and Ryan Gosling (Drive).
Nada (Roddy Piper; Hell Comes to Frogtown) is new in town, strangely homeless, and looking for honest work. He and his sculpted pre-WWE body find work at a construction site where he meets Frank (Keith David; The Thing, Smiley), who has also fallen on hard times. These two tough guys get along immediately and we get the strong sense this will be a buddy movie.
Visionary writer/director John Carpenter (The Thing, Prince of Darkness) paints a world that is not unlike where you may live today. Like mental addicts linked to an IV-drip of social media, he illustrates the human race as media-steered cattle even before the advent of Facebook, Twitter, iPhones and email made this task of technological submission even easier.
Wow…how Brave New World of them.
Loosely touched upon in Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978; the “good” version) and The Matrix (1999), this film answers the age old question: “if the world was run by aliens would we know about it?”
Well, lucky for us Nada stumbles upon a pair of sunglasses that reveal the truth about society; how we’re besieged with imperceptibly numerous subliminal messages guiding our every decision…and how there are aliens living among us who look like their “face fell in the cheese dip back in 1956.”
To quote Schwarzenegger: “You are on ugly mother…”
But how does Nada get Frank to believe his crazy aliens and magic sunglasses story? With a back alley WrestleMania streetfight of course. I should add that Roddy Piper and Keith David have the longest, funniest and most painfully awesome fist fight of the 80s. It goes first They Live (1988), then Rocky IV (1985), then Bloodsport (1988) and Cyborg (1989), then a bunch of Schwarzenegger movies, and then whatever else! This fight accounts for most of the violence in the movie and endures for a gloriously long running time.
Regarding his two-man alien resistance, Nada proclaims “I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubble gum.” I guess the human race is lucky the corner store was all out of Bubblicious. I can’t imagine these ETs-in-humans’-clothing will be too hard to fend off. The aliens enjoy idle small talk and gold watches, and their takeover plan involves a corporate buyout of the upper economic echelons of mankind to help control the poor. They don’t exactly sound like good fighters.
If you somehow missed this allegory-rich 80s horror staple, then get to it! It’s hilarious, it has the best fight of the 80s, and it has a lot to say about how we let ourselves be led.
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The Retrial of The Counselor
Now that the dust has settled and the critical vitriol has dissipated I think it is a good time to look back at The Counselor. The movie received an unfair “guilty” verdict by the critics and general public upon its release. It was dubbed a failure (34% RT, $16 million total at box-office) and conversation mainly focused on Cameron Diaz’s car antics and dubbed accent. The problem I have is the populace wasn’t looking at the facts and their expectations were incorrect. The Counselor was a hard R-rated film written for the screen by the guy who wrote Blood Meridian and No Country for Old Men. It was never meant to be easy and the violent lyricism was bound to isolate cinephiles from the casual movie goer.
The movie was far from a failure. I appreciated the monologues and all-in cast who dove head first into the dialogue. The simplicity of the narrative and the reflection on crime made sense to me. I wasn’t expecting a crime thriller because I knew of McCarthy’s other works. However, I can understand how a studio would watch this and be absolutely stymied as how to market it. There are no easy outs or gun battles. The main characters don’t find solace or ease of mind. In the end, you are left with quotes like this:
When it comes to grief, the normal rules of wealth do not apply. Because grief transcends value. A man would give entire nations to lift grief off his heart and yet, you cannot buy anything with grief, because grief is worthless.
I love that a bleak, exposition free screenplay by Pulitzer Prize winning Cormac McCarthy made it into the mainstream Hollywood system. The movie is full of wonderful monologues and references to “catfish” that are pleasing to the literary ears. Alex Pappademas of Grantland sums it up perfectly:
The dialogue is often eccentrically beautiful and appears to have been typed with zero consideration of the fact that people would someday have to say all these words out loud
McCarthy’s other books All the Pretty Horses, No Country For Old Men and The Road had the luxury of screenwriters working them into a narrative structure. The Counselor skips the middle man (no saving of the cat) and allows McCarthy’s words to remain unhindered. The problem (to some people) with the unhindered script is it features really good-looking people waxing poetic via archaic words about diamonds, death, grief and women. Nothing goes boom and bodies found in barrels are treated as practical jokes and not horror.
The proceedings can be maddening but the result is a surprisingly effective film that is simple in nature and doesn’t pander to explanatory wormholes. The Counselor has some very funny moments as well. .
For instance, there is a scene where the Counselor is asked to bail a man out of prison. Rosie Perez’s character offers to pay off the $400 cost by giving him a blow job. The Counselor replies: “You’d still owe me $380.” The humor is dark but you appreciate that an 80-year-old writer and 76-year-old director can still bring the dirty laughs.
The lead characters are either in over their heads, willing to stay in the deep end or overly confident that their escape raft won’t sink. They all have Trojan horses and are the epitome of pride coming before the fall. They are playing in a world (Mexican drug cartels) that doesn’t respond well to failure and their success makes them feel bullet proof.
The Counselor should get a second chance. It gave the world something different and provides many memorable moments. It is a gritty glimpse into McCarthy’s world of seedy characters and deadly environments that was unfairly judged.
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The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984), one of the better “bad” 80s Sword & Sorcery movies
See the four-breasted woman in the poster? LOL! Yeah, so that happens in this movie.
MY CALL: From tentacle monsters to four-breasted exotic dancers, this is definitely one of the better “bad” Sword and Sorcery movies of the 80s. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Warrior and the Sorceress: Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”? Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size. Like the “bad”? How about Flash Gordon (1980), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987). All of these movies are better than Barbarian Queen (1985) in every possible way except for amply breast-filled minutes of screen time.
Representing the “warrior” of this movie title, the mysterious swordsman Kane (David Carradine; Kill Bill, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues) wanders into a small town, feels a bit parched, and frees the local well from hostile mercenary control, returning the water to the thirsty townsfolk. Naturally, they’re so happy that they celebrate with nude well-top pole-dancing. Yeah, it’s gonna’ be that kind of Sword and Sorcery flick.
The town is run by two criminal rulers: Zeg the Tyrant (Luke Askew; Frailty), the more calculating politico, and Bal Caz, an obese fool who accepts counsel from his monstrous pet lizard–reminding me of Jabba the Hut and Salacious Crumb. Kane behaves more as a manipulative rogue than a warrior, pitting Zeg and Bal Caz against one another for his own personal gain.
Setting the Sword & Sorcery mood, this world has two suns and scarce water (much like Dungeons & Dragons Dark Sun campaign setting), there is some mythically sharp magical Sword of Ura (Dungeons & Dragons’ Sword of Sharpness), and topless mystics and servants abound. The “sorceress” Naja (Maria Socas; Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom) is kept as Zeg’s slave and her only magical qualities are revealed by her wardrobe, or lack thereof. She pretty much just walks around topless all the time. I don’t think we ever don’t see her topless unless she’s altogether off-screen. Not only is she perpetually topless, but for some reason no one ever seems to notice…you know…because that’s totally normal. This would have been more appropriately titled The Warrior and the Topless Sorceress.
Carradine was 48 when this was released, but boy did he look worse for wear. He could have passed for his mid-50s easily. How about the muscled version of Carradine on the movie poster? Reminds me of the muscled, and equally unwarranted Clark Griswold from the National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983).
It turns out that as our hero, Carradine is about the least-muscled person in this whole movie, and I’m including the topless sorceress. Do some push-ups or something, man! Despite the skills we know Carradine possesses, the fights in this movie are laughably bad.
This was the single best moment of action–a severed limb. Had I blinked I’d have totally missed it.
The acting is pretty lame across the board, but the best performance was given by Bal Caz’ bipedal well-dressed pet lizard thing, which also served as the most interesting character in the movie. Was this reptile pulling the strings the whole time? Were Bal Caz and the lizard romantically involved? There was so much to explore there. At only 81 minutes, they certainly had room to expand on this little sideplot.
Don’t they look happy together?
What separates this movie from Deathstalker (1983) and the like is that the humble budget included a tentacle monster (much like a Roper or Otyugh from Dungeons & Dragons) to contribute to the fantasy element.
That, and of course a four-breasted exotic dancer. Yes. FOUR! Total Recall (1990, 2012) had a three-breasted prostitute, Necropolis (1987) had a six-breasted necromancer, but before any of that we had a four-breasted exotic dancer paving the way for the polymastia-gifted ancillary female characters film! God bless this movie!
As far as overall content and quality goes, this is a pretty good “bad” Sword and Sorcery movie. It has all of the nudity of the shameless contributions to the genre, yet it makes the effort to deliver more story (however poorly written) and fantasy elements as well.
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