I believe that the shark wants revenge against Mrs. Brody. I do. I really do believe it. After all, her husband was one of the men who hunted this shark and killed it, blowing it to bits. And what shark wouldn’t want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it?
Here are some things, however, that I do not believe: That Mrs. Brody could be haunted by flashbacks to events where she was not present and that, in some cases, no survivors witnessed. That Mrs. Brody would commandeer a boat and sail out alone into the ocean to sacrifice herself to the shark, so that the killing could end. That Caine’s character could or would crash-land his airplane at sea so that he and two other men could swim to Mrs. Brody’s rescue. That after being trapped in a sinking airplane by the shark and disappearing under the water, Caine could survive the attack, swim to the boat, and climb on board – not only completely unhurt but also wearing a shirt and pants that are not even wet. That the shark would stand on its tail in the water long enough for the boat to ram it. That the director, Joseph Sargent, would film this final climactic scene so incompetently that there is not even an establishing shot, so we have to figure out what happened on the basis of empirical evidence.
Bad Movie Tuesday: The Five Best Worst Movie Monsters
Hello all. Mark here.
I love bad movies and I love monsters. Thus, I love when bad monsters inhabit bad movies. Bad monsters have unique personalities that help create memorable experiences. They are cheeky, poorly conceived and charming in odd ways. To create a bad monster you have to make an earnest attempt at telling a good story. In a day and age of self aware bad movies (Sharknado) you need to pick out the films that tried to tell a story and failed spectacularly. These monsters need to raise more questions than answers. Their existence makes zero sense and thus leaves the viewer with lingering questions.
For instance. How can a shark’s relative be vengefull? Why do they wear burlap sacks? Are they rocks? The monsters in this list are all charmingly bad. I’ve tried to stray away from the popular baddies that inhabit other monster lists. You won’t see Ro-Man and Stinger here.
1. The Sea Monster from Waterworld.
I don’t know where it came from or why Costner was able to kill it with ease. The monster was meant as a throwaway food gag to show off Costner’s fishing skills. However, I wanted to know more about Kevin’s lunch in 1995 and these questions still haunt me. How come they didn’t show more with the $175 million dollar budget? Did he sit in the water and skin it? Why didn’t other creatures come to eat the carcass? How did all those teeth miss Costner? How did he learn to do that? Are they abundant? Why didn’t they eat the boat? Wouldn’t they attack the jet skis?
While critics were complaining about the budget I was annoyed that I didn’t get enough sea creature.
Costner: Prince of thieves and killer of large sea monsters
2. The Moon Rock Spiders from Apollo 18
Apollo 18 is a wonderfully bad film.
Like every other memorable bad film it raises lots of questions. Why does the guy who gets a rock in his rib start acting all funky? Is he turning evil? Is the poison affecting him weird? Do the moon spiders have a toxin that makes you act like a jerk? If the rock spider is so smart why doesn’t it go further into his guts and kill him? fellow writer John tried to answer the toxin quagmire and ended up threatening an ecology and evolutionary lecture. This movie has a way of flustering people. Hal the super computer from 2001 would short-circuit explaining this movie.
The moon rock spiders kill all communications, slash a hole in the pod insulation, and harass the poor astronauts. The reason is never explained and the closest theory I have is that the rocks where angry about being picked up for research. So, the simplest deduction is they are angry about the rock theft. It is like how you can’t take petrified wood from state parks…except the wood doesn’t become an angry spider.
I don’t understand Apollo 18 and that is why I love it. It is like a never-ending wormhole of questions. Alice’s Rabbit Hole makes more sense than this film. In a day and age when movies have to be cohesive and coherent this movie breaks the trend and commits to confusing.
Give me back my rocks!
3. The Creature of Darkness from Creature of Darkness
Stay still. Let me walk slowly over to you so I can eat you on my voyage.
Creature of Darkness is the story of ATV riding twenty-somethings who battle an alien whilst enshrouded in bog fog. The creature is a burlap sack wearing jerk who throws a spinal cord and doesn’t mind being naked. Apparently, the thing collects food for winter and relies on his prey to stand still while he saunters over to them. The monster is constantly followed by bog fog. The fog is obviously being spewed from machines and I was 100% fine with that. I just wondered why the fog followed him around. Is that a superpower? Not to control bog fog but to have fog follow you around. I wouldn’t want to drive behind the alien’s spaceship.
Do aliens train in spinal cord throwing?
4. The Sharks from Sharks In Venice.
The majority of the sharks are B-roll footage. However, when the terrible CGI creations take flight awesomeness occurs.
Did it eat concrete?
Sharks in Venice is about Stephen Baldwin battling the sharks who killed his dad while he was looking for treasure in Venice. Baldwin sits, uses a jogging double and unleashes this gem of a line “I can’t talk. I’m bleeding.” The sharks get bigger and smaller depending on the scene, and enjoy eating innocent Venetians who have nothing to do with the plot. It is bad movie gold that is told seriously and written amateurishly.
Continue reading chapter four
5. The Shark from Jaws: The Revenge
So, the shark is a relative of the shark who died in Jaws. It remembers the family and wants revenge. What!!!! The shark finds the family, eats the son, swims to the Bahamas and tries to eat the other son. AWESOME! Roger Ebert summed up this movie perfectly:
Please watch the ending to fully appreciate the wonderfully vindictive shark getting speared by a boat.
Do sharks levitate out of the water?
I hope you enjoyed the Five Best Worst Movie Monsters! Comment, tweet, post on FB and let me know who are your favorite bad monsters.
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John’s Horror Corner: Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994), a convincing horror love story
Okay. I know what you’re thinking and “yes” I agree–this IS a lame DVD cover and this did contribute to me not watching this movie until 20 years after its original release. But I’m really glad I finally gave it a chance.
MY CALL: City of Angels (1998) meets The Prophecy (1995) with a dash of Leeloo Dallas and a sprig of Species (1995) in another delightfully surprising release by Full Moon. MOVIES LIKE Dark Angel: The Ascent: I refer to several movies in this review, but none are really anything like this one. While not at all a similar movie, the displacement of Heaven and Hell on Earth remind me of Angel Heart (1987). The story also reminded me a LOT of the short Lover’s Vow from Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990).
Director Linda Hassani and writer/producer Charles Band (the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) bring us a “more” serious release with one of the most coherent and interesting plots Full Moon has ever produced. Heaven and Hell, demons and angels are presented in a very different way in this under-recognized gem.
Both young demonesses, Mary (Cristina Stoica; Lurking Fear) shows Veronica (Angela Featherstone; Soul Survivors, Army of Darkness) an unguarded gateway from the pit of Hell to the world of mortals above. After a disagreement with her infernal professor and then her disapproving demon father, she runs away to “ascend” to Earth like a rebellious misunderstood teenager to find herself naked (without her horns, claws and wings) on the city streets…shortly after which she is hit by a car.
In the hospital ICU she meets Max, a young doctor who is “pure of heart” as Veronica puts it. Then, as would a sultry vampire, she uses her other-worldly charm to compel Max to bring her home with him. Just like Leeloo in The Fifth Element (1997), our red-headed Hell-spawn learns about mankind by watching the news and, like Leeloo, Veronica was VERY disappointed with what she saw.
She decides to serve as vigilante judge, jury and executioner to evil-doers, feeding their entrails to her Hell-spawned dog Hellraiser and even preparing them as “secret recipes” for dinner and serving them to her handsome host Max.
Here’s Veronica shopping for dog food.
Judging by her outfit, here’s Veronica shopping for a man.
And she cooks.
When the story began, Veronica fled Hell rebelling against her parents and teachers by not wanting to punish the eternally damned for their sins. But Veronica learns that evil abounds on Earth and that many do indeed deserve such harsh punishments for their actions. Although she doesn’t acknowledge it, it seems that her parents and teachers really did have her best interest in mind. After all, she’s now doing to sinners in life what her elders wanted her to do to sinners in the afterlife. But that’s just one aspect of the movie…
So, a demon (or “dark angel”) wishes to visit Earth in human skin to share its experiences, find love and punish evil-doers to protect the pure-hearted souls. This story may feel a lot like City of Angels (1998) meets The Prophecy (1995) with a dash of Leeloo Dallas and a sprig of Species (1995; in terms of her appropriately aggressive sexuality and when Henstridge almost robotically emotes to human situations), but this movie actually predates all of them! So what at first felt like a series of rip-offs and borrowed concepts was, well, much more original than I thought…by a lot.
So, this woman tried to hit on her man Max. Yeah…he’s spoken for.
The budget is low (as you should have expected), but stretched as far as possible when it comes to the gore. Veronica frequently unceremoniously rends her victims and reaches inside to remove organs or the occasional spinal cord. Full Moon did a fine job of bringing the fun gore we know them for, but also successfully delivered an interesting story (which they’re definitely NOT known for).
Gore AND a love story…this movie has it all. LOL
If ever you’ve enjoyed a Full Moon release, please make it a point to enjoy this!
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John’s Horror Corner: Seed People (1992), the root of all evil
MY CALL: Mutant stumpy plant aliens Body Snatch their way to world domination one local yokel at a time in this pleasantly unserious B horror release from Full Moon Entertainment. MOVIES LIKE Seed People: The Curse (1987) and The Deadly Spawn (1983) take slightly more serious and gory approaches to meteor-spawned alien monsters. Bleeders (1997) also comes to mind, but only because the monsters have no legs and stumpy torsos like they do in Seed People.
Director Peter Manoogian (Demonic Toys, Devil Dolls) and writer/producer Charles Band (the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) have crafted some laughably unserious horror nonsense for us. However, as I’ve spoken out on this before with other Full Moon releases, I struggle to understand how this received an “R” rating. There’s no nudity, not much gore and almost no profanity. This is no more offensive than ScyFy’s television movie Sharknado (2013).
In this semi-farcical Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) homage, botanical aliens land in a small town to enact phase one of their world domination–to take over the population of Comet Valley. After some locals claim to find a meteorite, geologist and meteor expert Tom returns to the small town where he grew up to give a talk on the subject. By “give a talk” I mean present a slideshow to the dim-witted townsfolk in the local diner. The only bridge into town is out so Tom has the local bed and breakfast all to himself and the owner, his old flame Heidi (Andrea Roth; The Collector, RoboCop TV series).
The invasion starts when a mutant alien tree (i.e., the “queen”) vomits some goop all over a local who then cocoons and turns into a stumpy insect-seed pod monster hybrid called a “shooter” (perhaps akin to a “soldier” or “worker” ant).
Evil tree monster…
Does this to a guy…
Who then turns into this stumpy thing.
Just as in Starship Troopers (1997), Aliens (1986) or even the ant hill in your backyard, these aliens have different castes with different body forms. The tree sprays sticky pollen on another guy who presumably turns into a different type of infected monster. We also encounter “tumblers” that look like little fur balls that roll around like Critters (1986), “fliers” that look like fuzzy flying spiders the size of terriers, and weird looking eggs with gross slimy cotyledon fetuses in them.
FUN FACT: Creature actress Debbie Lee Carrington plays the Tumbler (Total Recall, Men in Black, Return of the Jedi, Bitch Slap).
To add more randomness to this movie. Not only do the local townsfolk get turned into stumpy plant monsters of various form, but some humans simply appear to have their minds controlled but are really shooters with the ability to shapeshift. Other humans just have their minds controlled but have not been transformed into leguminous abominations. Why is that? I have no idea! This makes no sense.
It’s up to Tom, Heidi, a disturbed alcoholic scientist, the sheriff and teenager Kim (Holly Fields; Wishmaster 2, Communion) to save the town–and the world–from these stumpy alien veggie beasts that are trying to seed more lands and harvest Earth’s people.
Tom and the local botanist. I wonder how botanists make money it itty bitty towns.
Heidi (right) looks a bit like Christina Applegate.
The acting is understandably bad, the gore is decent but infrequent, the monsters get ample screen time and I enjoyed lots of laughs watching this nonsense all the way to the (weak) twist ending. This was a fun way to spend a Sunday afternoon.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Top Five Best Worst Horror Villains
Hello all. Mark here.
Much ado has been made of the classic horror villains. They’ve become celebrated heroes of a violent genre. However, these baddies have become boring due to prequels, sequels, spin-offs, remakes and uninteresting back stories. I’ve decided to put together a list of my favorite horror villains who are wonderfully bad. Did they excel in bad movies? Did they make me laugh? Did their accents confound me? Did they eat an airplane?
Disclaimer: This list is not comprehensive and I haven’t broken the surface of the genre called horror. However, I love bad movies and I have an odd fascination with the strange creatures/people/air that inhabit subpar horror films. The following five are picks that I find humorous and incredible in odd ways.
If you enjoy the post make sure to check out our podcast where we talk about the best worst movie monsters and villains.
1. The Shark who ate Sam Jackson in Deep Blue Sea (I’m guessing the sharks name is Steve)
Whoa!
Did you know that Sam Jackson was offered the LL Cool J role but his management thought it was a bad idea? It is a good thing Jackson took the role of Russel Franklin because his death instantly changed the film’s expectations. Anybody could die at any moment and that is why the film has such a massive fun factor. Also, the kill is so famous Entertainment Weekly gave it an A+ and praised it’s glory:
For its canny subversion of genre conventions, this shark shocker gets our vote for the best death scene in any Hollywood movie since, oh, Psycho.
It is rare that a movie about genetically engineered sharks gets brought up in the same sentence as Psycho. Here is how the kill came to fruition. In 1996 Deep Blue Sea director Renny Harlin worked with Jackson on The Long Kiss Good Night. In an early edit of the film Jackson’s character was killed off and the audience at the test screening yelled “you can’t kill Sam Jackson.” Well, when Jackson took the DBS role Harlin came up with a brilliant idea. Here is what Jackson had to say about it:
I’m basically like Janet Leigh (Psycho) or Drew Barrymore (Scream). Director Renny Harlin came to me and said (Jackson doing his Harlin impression with a thick Finnish accent), “It’s going to be the most incredible death! It’s going to shock everyone!” I said, “OK, Renny, I’m down with that.” I died a lot in movies in my early career and I’ve never been killed by any “thing” before.
Ebert also summed up Deep Blue Sea with this quote:
“There is a moment in this movie when something happens that is completely unexpected, and it’s over in a flash–a done deal–and the audience laughs in delight because it was so successfully surprised. In a genre where a lot of movies are retreads of the predictable, “Deep Blue Sea’‘ keeps you guessing.”
Sidenote: Jaws was 25 feet so the director made the Deep shark 26 feet.
2. Gerard Butler’s Hair in Dracula 2000
Before I discuss the hair I want you to watch Butler’s audition tape for Dracula 2000.
You have to admire it.
The mop on Butler’s head was an early prototype for what the hair would become.
the Critics ravaged Butler’s performance by using words like “preening, peevish, Bee Gee, worst ever.” However, Butler and his sultry performance wooed many women who carry the D2000 torch. This is evident from the Amazon reviews:
If you’re a Butlerian Crushgirl–by all means, rent or buy this. The moments with Mr. Butler are worth the price. When he sniffs Mary, it’s the kind of fully-dressed erotic moment that puts all the nude scenes in cinema to shame, and it proves that when you have people with intensity and charisma and screen “itness”, an expression, a breathy phrase, these are more sensual than a million displays of nakedness and groaning.
The only reason to watch this film is if you love Gerard Butler. I would have only rated it 2 stars for mediocre, but Gerard’s memorizing, seductive performance saves this film. For that reason alone, I have given it 5 stars.
The main thing I like about this movie is that is caters to FEMALES; yes, there is T&A for the guys, but the writers also realized their female audiece, which has *thankfully* begun to be a trend in the last decade or so. Even after all of the sexy vampire characters I have watched in movies, Gerard Butler is definately one of the SEXIEST, and most convincing!
Dracula 2000 has proven to be a critic proof cult classic. The fans have spoken! They gotta have more Gerard Butler and his gravity defying hair!
3. Parker Posey/Blade: Trinity
Parker Posey is transcendent (hair included) in Blade Trinity. She owns the role of a yuppy vampire who awakens a male model Dracula to battle Blade. Roger Ebert summed up her performance perfectly.
“Parker Posey is an actress I have always had affection for, and now it is mixed with increased admiration, for the way she soldiers through an impossible role, sneering like the good sport she is.”
Lake trout loving Posey soldiers on through a soul crushing script and copious amounts of slow motion walking. Without her we never would have seen this kick (10 second mark) or heard the insult “c*ck juggling thunder c**t.” While watching I felt she was on another level of performance. She realized the production had it’s troubles (read this article) and she went full vamp. Her committed performance is one of the reasons Blade: Trinity has become a watchable bad movie staple that won our Best Worst Sequel Tournament.
4. The Mega Shark
Mega crocodiles, sharktopi, bear sloths and huge piranhas wouldn’t be around if it wasn’t for the Mega Shark. The poorly CGI’d creature ate planes, battled a large octopus and created a massive buzz within the blogosphere. The reason for the success? The film (loosely called) is a serious take on animal apocalypse that hadn’t jumped the shark yet. It also features this scene that inspired a wonderful infographic.
Math!
5. John Voight/Anaconda
Voight holds the distinction of having the oddest accent in screen history. Watch this clip.
oof.
Take a look at this face too!
yuck.
I’m not sure what Voight was aiming for when he invited the Ruski-Creole concoction. He is a murderous river vermin who memorably winks after being regurgitated by an Anaconda. The acting choice could either be incredibly shrewd or pompous. Either way, the role is memorable because of the bonkers all in performance by a veteran actor hamming it up to full effect. I love that the accent had zero research behind it and sounded like an odd mixture of Creole, Russian and South American. The podcast How Did This Get Made tried to analyze the character and I think they become more confused. Thus, Mr. Voight succeeded by being memorable.
Honorable Mentions: The moon rock spiders from Apollo 18. The air from The Happening. The guy who yells the equivalent of “aarggg oooofff Labamba in Ghost of Mars. The Swimfan in Swimfan.
Hope you enjoyed the list! Let me know who is your favorite of the bad horror villains.
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John’s Horror Corner: Bad Channels (1992), a goreless flick favoring cheap comedy over horror
MY CALL: If Roger Corman movies were rated PG, this is what we’d have–a goreless flick that favors comedy over horror, but still involves monsters abducting women. MOVIES LIKE Bad Channels: Terror Vision (1986).
Director Ted Nicolaou (Subspecies I-IV, Terror Vision) and writer/producer Charles Band (the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) have crafted some truly laughable comedy horror nonsense for us. In the spirit of Roger Corman, a presumably horny alien and his robot sidekick have come to Earth to steal our women and they’re using a local radio station to do it. However, completely unlike Roger Corman, there is no nudity, no monster-human “mating” scenes, no gore, and all of the laughs are deliberate. In fact, I struggle to understand how this received an R rating.
You might be wondering how this works… Well, first off, everything has to be covered in other-worldly alien fungus…because that makes sense. Then the alien plays rock music over the air waves and makes attractive young radio fans dance like party girls starring in their own music video until they are miniaturized and teleported into his the alien’s collection jars.
Collect them all!
By the way, these music videos seem to be the true theme of this movie, because we are forced to watch each one in its entirety. They’re not very good and they last several minutes each. But I laughed when the scenes cut between the dancing girls’ perception of what’s going on and the perception of those around them who just think they’re nuts dancing like a loon on diner counter tops, during surgery or in the middle of high school band practice. Keep an eye out for the electric guitar-playing nun and the guy in the cow suit in one of the music videos.
Kurt Cobain saw this…that’s why he did it.
All the while DJ Dan is broadcasting live, narrating all of the transpiring events of this invasion and local listeners just think it’s all a hoax. So Dan has to save the world on his own! How does he do it? Some disinfectant spray and a box cutter. Not since milk defeated the Ernest Scared Stupid Troll has there been such a dumb monster vulnerability.
Casting aside stereotypical alien appearances, this one has a brain turd for a head.
As a horror superfan, I appreciate that this flick features loads of horror regulars filling the roles of truck stop owner Peanut (Sonny Carl Davis; the Evil Bong franchise, Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Trancers 2), news reporter Lisa Cummings (Martha Quinn; Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town, Dead Heat), station owner Vernon Locknut (Aaron Lustig; Pinocchio’s Revenge, Scanner Cop II, Darkman, Ghostbusters 2), abductee Cookie (Charlie Spradling; Puppet Master II, The Blob), Corky (Michael Huddleston; Vampires), abductee Nurse Ginger (Melissa Behr playing the same role she did in Dollman vs Demonic Toys) and Dollman (Tim Thomerson playing the same role he did in Dollman vs Demonic Toys; Trancers).
The effects are extremely cheap, even for a bad horror movie. There is no gore, some slime and mostly just costume monsters. Unlike most horror of its time, this was made to be a goreless comedy horror rather than the more typical uber-gory horror comedy.
Watch this for some cheap laughs and the alien’s sort of cute, weird little robot pet.
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Five Greatest Bad Guys Of All Time
Hello all. Mark here
Great heroes need great villains. A solid bad guy not only engages us in the journey but provides tension, dread and excitement. If you look at some of the highest grossing films of all time you will notice a trend. For example, The Avengers (Loki), Harry Potter (Voldemort), Dark Knight (Joker), Lord of the Rings (walking), Skyfall (Silva) and Toy Story 3 (that fluffy evil bear) all feature incredible baddies and made tons of money.
I’ve decided to compile a list in hopes of sparking discussion, debate and eventual realization that my bad guys are the best. Enjoy!
1. Stansfield. Gary Oldman/ The Professional
Scary, unpredictable and drugged out. Oldman’s performance set the bar for all other actors attempting to be insane drug addled bad guy cops. By the time he shoots Leon and gets blown up by grenades you are overcome with grief that this murderous turd got the better of the hero. Stansfield also delivered odd quotes that any villains would be jealous of:
“I like these calm little moments before the storm. It reminds me of Beethoven. Can you hear it? It’s like when you put your head to the grass and you can hear the growin’ and you can hear the insects. Do you like Beethoven?”
2. 006 and Sean Miller/ Sean Bean Goldeneye/Patriot Games
What I like about Sean Bean as a bad guy is that he never seems outmatched. Instead of being some aloof villain he always puts up a great fight. Plus, he figured Bond out. These quotes prove it:
“I might as well ask you if all those vodka martinis ever silence the screams of all the men you’ve killed… or if you find forgiveness in the arms of all those willing women for all the dead ones you failed to protect. ”
“Back from the dead. No longer just an anonymous star on the memorial wall at MI6. What’s the matter, James? No glib remark? No pithy comeback?”
The final fight scene in Goldeneye was incredible. The fast paced, evenly matched brawl took place on top of a satellite hanging over a large drainage dome. I remembered the prior Bond fights and they all paled in comparison In Patriot Games he had Harrison Ford on the run and could only be killed by being impaled on a boat then blown up via crashing into rocks. You can never count this guy out. You think he is dead in Goldeneye then he comes back and survives a massive fall and explosion. The only thing that can kill him is an exploding, million ton antenna. Badass!
3. Boba Fett/ Empire and Return
Vader, huge ships, stormtroopers could not catch Han Solo and his crew. However, Boba could. The dude rarely speaks and is always chilling next to Vader or Jabba. Fett is a mysterious villain (How long did it take him to design outfit) who gets the job done and is probably the only person who Vader would catch a beer with. I still defend his death scene because I think the only to kill him would be by total luck.
4. Magua/ Wes Studi/ Last of the Mohicans
Total, Uber, Badass (see above pic). You cannot escape this guy. The hunters from Butch Cassidy and Centurion could not have escaped Magua. The climatic scene with the soundtrack blaring while he fights and kills Uncas makes most humans burst out in tears. Sure he dies. But, could you defeat a very angry father with a large spiked weapon?
5. Hans Gruber/Sheriff of Nottingham/ Alan Rickman Die Hard/Robin Hood.
Smarmy, Intelligent, and funny. Nobody has the eurotrash villain down like Rickman. Many actors have tried to match this performance and most of them have failed. Whether threatening to cut people’s hearts out with spoons or telling his henchman to “shoot the glass” he is always thinking of unique ways to hurt people.
6. Special Mention: Inez/Rachel McAdams/Midnight in Paris.
Inez would convince Han he was just a subpar villain. She would scowl as Boba showed off his latest jetpack innovation. She pushed her writer boyfriend to mini panic attacks and wooed the pompous Michael Sheen. Inez and her family could push Angela Lansbury’s character in Manchurian Candidate to depression. Also, Inez sounds evil.
There are many honorable mentions. Gene Hackman from Unforgiven, Mr. Blonde, Bill the Butcher, Jaws, Aliens, Predators, Frank Booth, Dolph in Universal Soldier and Rocky 4, The bad guy in The Crow, Hal, Anton Chigurh, Michael Myers, Nickelback, Hannibal Lecter, Leatherface, the femme fatale from Double Indemnity…the list goes on and on.
That is the list! Let me know what you think. Make sure to leave a comment and tell me your 5 favorite bad guys.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Killing Them Softly With Their Accents
Robert DeNiro and John Travolta have starred in many fantastic films. The Killing Season is not one of them. Travolta channels Borat, DeNiro looks like he is sleeping and the facial hair is immaculate. The Killing Season fails because it lacks anything that would make it interesting (normal accents, grime, less monologues). When the similar film The Hunted was released the producers/directors/actors talked about injuries, training and boot camps. The movie had an alive feel that was real, gritty and tough. The producers wanted something new and exciting and that is evident from this quote:
“Billy (William Friedkin) was adamant that we show a style of knife-fighting nobody had ever seen in a movie before,” recalls producer James Jacks. “At one point, when Tommy and Benicio were training, it went a little too much in the wrong direction and became like a Chuck Norris type of fight. But one of our experts was on hand to set us straight, explaining that if someone were to try a high kick [like those Norris does] his opponent would cut his Achilles tendon, and the fight would be over.”
Benicio Del Toro and Tommy Lee Jones trained for months and the realism showed up on screen. The Killing Season should have been a gritty, low budget actioneer starring two legends of cinema. However, it is too clean, too safe and odd accented. DeNiro underplays while Travolta speaks like Boris and Natasha. The story takes place over several days yet the characters never grow beards. The clothes stay clean and Travolta’s skull cap stays perfect. The lack of realism and effort prevent this film from being anything other than a glossy film that involves zero punching of snakes.
Here is a brief synopsis. Travolta and DeNiro meet and talk. Travolta tortures DeNiro and they talk. DeNiro tortures Travolta and they talk. Travolta tortures DeNiro and they talk. DeNiro turns the tide and talks more. The movie ends.
The Killing Season is a training manual for what not to do when planning to kill a man who almost killed you in 1995. I sat in amazement as two skilled veterans monologue, put their foe in easily escapable situations and refrain from simply killing the dude when his back is turned. There are copious amounts of “Don’t: moments in the film. For example:
Don’t monologue when your victim is trapped under a wood pile.
Don’t walk around the person to look them in the eye because it will allow them time to pull shrapnel out of their leg to stab you with.
Don’t turn you back on your victim because they will untie themselves with the pin you put on their sweater
Don’t hit a table with an axe which cuts the rope that is tying your victim down.
Don’t flip over a man who is laying close to rocks because he will hit you in the face with one of the rocks.
Don’t say “I want you live long, cause all the creatures come and nibble on your insides” because the guy will have more time to grab a knife and cut himself down.
It reminded me of Edgar Wright’s Don’t trailer
The movie could have been a gritty barn burner but instead took the easy road and paid for it (10% on RT). The word of mouth would have been incredible if it was good. The curiosity factor added with buzz could have created another career highlight. Instead, the beards stay trimmed, the clothes stay clean and nobody seemed to care. This is a shame because the actors are capable of so much yet never attempted to make this something more.
The Killing Season is lazy cinema. Watch The Hunted instead. Remember that these guys starred in The Deer Hunter, Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas, Saturday Night Fever and Raging Bull.
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El Gringo (2012), and Scott Adkins’ first job ever in which he seems to be having fun
MY CALL: Not good and not too bad, but definitely refreshing to see Adkins clearly having fun with a character that isn’t serious-as-cancer like his other roles. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Desperado (1995) and The Rundown (2003).
If I was directing Scott Adkins (Undisputed 2 & 3, The Expendables 2, Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, Assassination Games) there are two things that I wouldn’t want him to do: 1) use guns or 2) try to act. But director Eduardo Rodriguez (the man behind the dare-to-be-great upcoming sequel-remake Fright Night 2) asks Adkins to do a lot of both in this movie. I think Eduardo Rodriguez thinks he’s Robert Rodriguez and that Adkins is a young Antonio Banderas–clearly neither come close.
What we get here is a gringo’d-up Desperado with ambitious filmmaking devices, one-liners and humorous scoring with none of the truly awesome–but a good dose of just plain fun. The gun play simply doesn’t deliver, the women don’t come off strong at all (although the character Anna is clearly meant to be a tough Salma Hayek type), the blood spilling is inconsistent and unimpressive, the stunts largely suck, and Adkins doesn’t throw nearly enough kicks. Okay, now I’m an Adkins superfan and I should probably admit that, for me, “enough kicks” would constitute as many kicks as Scott can possibly execute during his screen time with a break every few minutes for an elbow. There were some fights that could have been awesome, but the choppy filming and even choppier editing completely masked all of Adkins’ often superhuman skill.
Adkins plays a fish-out-of-water in Mexico with no name (like in Desperado) and a bag with $2 million dollars. Naturally no one likes him because he’s a gringo, the local bad guys find out what’s in the bag, and Adkins must do everything he can to keep his nameless character alive. That’s the story. That’s really all that’s worth saying. Oh, wait, and Christian Slater (Guns, Girls and Gambling) is in it. There–that’s everything now.
Like in Desperado or The Rundown, Adkins eventually finds himself fighting the whole town. Fight sequences and bad ass maneuvers normally filmed and presented to us on screen in singly cut shots are done in 3-10, during some fights I felt like I was seeing 30 cuts in the time I could blink 30 times. It really makes it hard to appreciate the action. Some techniques (like super fancy kick-disarms resulting with the gun in Adkins’ hands) were done in slow-motion and just a few cuts, which felt more appropriate and enjoyable.
For all the things that were awful about this movie, it really could’ve been great. All it would have taken was a better director (not necessarily more expensive–just better at this kind of movie), a few well-trained stunt men for the fights and a stronger female costar. The harder our director tried, the laughably worse things became. For example, there’s a fight against a big really tough, otherwise normal looking guy, and Adkins is getting his butt kicked. When he discovers his foe’s “weakness” is obsessively keeping his hat clean and on his head, he swiftly defeats him by exploiting this nervous tick. DUMB!
Even as a Scott Adkins superfan or an action movie buff (who isn’t concerned with budget) I’d recommend skipping this unless you are, too. Maybe you love all of our Dolph Lundgren Bad Movie Tuesday reviews like In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds or Retrograde …then this is probably for you! Adkins has his moments when he tries and to be Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson– often falling understandably short (not everyone can be The Rock)–but all the things you normally love about Adkins like his acrobatics, fast martial arts choreography and jump-double-spin kicks have been turned down from an “11” to damn near mute. However, some positive points can be found in the humor, like when Anna hoists her boobs in Adkins’ face while she dresses his wounds using her bra and panties as tourniquets. Adkins clearly had a lot of fun with this role…even when he didn’t have boobs in his face.
Yup. That’s Yvette Yates…and she’s distracting!
I guess it’s nice that we got to see Adkins fun action star personality a bit. His roles are normally dead serious and cold as ice. I just wish we had a better director to preserve his other action star-centric talents.
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Insidious 2: A Dreadernaut of Pure Horror Awesomeness
Insidious 2 is a nonstop dreadernaut (new word) of horror mastery. It is frantic, wonderful and will certainly annoy many (37% RT) who don’t appreciate James Wan’s frantic journey into the Further. The film blends story and character in a way that makes you care for the nice family as an absolute jerk harasses them. The movie bounces around from abandoned hospitals, boarded up houses and hidden rooms in a nonlinear fashion that feels like a paranormal roller coaster on speed. It asks a lot of the audience yet is meant as pure fun. If you sit in the theater in pursuit of pretentiousness you could pick holes all day. Don’t do that. If you allow yourself to be transported into the Further you will have an amazing time in the cinema.
Alonso Duralde of the Wrap wrote
“Wan’s definitely playing things more tongue-in-cheek here — he loves framing Wilson in a shadowy way that makes the possessed Josh look like evil incarnate — but he’s also adept at the sudden noises and abrupt appearances and creepy-crawlies that make movies like this date-night staples.
Duralde is absolutely right. The movie has a tongue-in-cheek vibe that realizes exactly what it is. Insidious 2 has minor shades of Sam Raimi’s goofy meets the home haunting of Poltergeist. It plays fast, loose and wonderfully with genre conventions. The doors creak (explained), ghosts pop up at terrible times (jerks) and Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne invest themselves fully in looking scared.
The story focuses on the Lambert family as they deal with the aftermath of their foray into The Further. Something followed Patrick Wilson back and loves starting kids strollers, playing the piano and backhanding people in the face. Insidious 2 is about the race against time to save a family, figure out evil and provide a evil backstory so bonkers you will love it. I normally hate explanations of evil but the origin of the bride in black worked for me. The bride in black filled me with dread and stressed me out. My fiancee and I left the theater in a haze of wonder, stress and delight. When was the last time you’ve left the theater feeling anything? We needed a cheeky episode of Top Gear (Worst car ever ep) to calm the nerves.
What I love most about Insidious 2 is the focus on good people fighting pure evil. They are in over their heads and are supported by incredibly nice, earnest and funny people. They put their lives in danger because they realize they have to. There is no selfishness and the family realizes they are all in it together. I love that the spirit will follow them anywhere so the obligatory “Why don’t they move?” question is out of the picture. The characters are in for a world of hurt and the only choice is to fight back.
The acting is superb, the pacing is frantic and the evil spirits are wonderfully villainous. James Wan (Saw, Dead Silence, Conjuring) is a maestro of horror who has come into his own. He cut his teeth with micro-budget films (Listen to his Nerdist Podcast) that looked great and now has a budget and crew that are helping achieve his full vision. If you have money to invest in a horror film James Wan would quadruple your investment in the first weekend, Audiences respond to his brand of horror and the box-office for Insidious 2 will be certain to delight.
Watch Insidious 2. Appreciate a director on top of his game. Watch The Conjuring if you haven’t checked it out yet.
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MY CALL: Zombie has sidestepped shock and awe in lieu of character-driven story development and a more subtle, creative approach. It’s not stellar. But the first two acts were well done and make me eager to see what (and how) Zombie does next. MOVIES LIKE The Lords of Salem: Book of Shadows: Blair Witch (2000), Mother of Tears (2007).
Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie; Halloween, Grindhouse, The Devil’s Rejects) is a friendly recovering addict and a very alternative-meets-Bohemian-looking Salem radio DJ. She is anonymously sent a box containing a record inscribed “the Lords.”
Heidi plays “the Lords’ greatest hits” on the air–which sounds like playing a death metal band’s record backwards–and women across Salem become possessed instantly over the air ways. Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison; X-Men, The Crucible), an author, witchcraft historian and guest on Heidi’s show chatting about the Salem witch trials and how witchcraft is a psychotic practice, is a little apprehensive about the Lords’ song. Francis tasks himself with investigating the “Lords of Salem.”
Written and directed by Rob Zombie (Halloween 1 & 2, House of 1000 Corpses), this movie aims for gravity and an artistic journey into Heidi’s possession and why she was chosen. One device which Zombie uses differently than most masters of horror is nudity. We see a lot of nudity, but often not on women you’d find “sexy” as they are occasionally older, heavy and/or filthy, nearly corpse-like in some cases.
Neither one of Zombie’s typical gore fests nor a cookie cutter teeny bopper horror film in which brutal death is prescribed by premarital sex or underage drinking, Zombie set out to really make a film. Great lengths were gone to capture powerful shots, eerie transitions and haunting lighting. At times Zombie’s attempts to be dark and artistic were overdone by a hand not yet sufficiently practiced behind the camera. But I appreciate what he tried to do and his less elaborate attempts (generally in the first and second acts) felt effective.
You can’t get too critical over this film. You need to let go and take the “trip,” because increasingly psychedelic is exactly what is produced before your eyes and ears. I feel that Zombie clearly had difficulty tying together an adequate ending from an otherwise very effective serious of weird events. Even though I had no clue where these events were leading me–and, evidently Zombie didn’t really know either–they had my attention and interest, making the ending all the more abruptly disappointing. At least the ending really only takes about 10 minutes.
If you know Rob Zombie’s work, then you know that pretty much everything stars his wife and shows her fun parts. Neither of these are bad things. I’ve been generally please with Sheri’s acting and…her ummmm…you know. But one thing I love about Rob Zombie beyond his vision for horror is how he loves to cast horror icons. We get horror cameos galore, over 20 in fact, including Heidi’s cohosts Herman ‘Whitey’ Salvador (Jeff Daniel Phillips; Zodiac, Halloween II) and Herman Jackson (Ken Foree; Halloween, Death Spa, Dawn of the Dead), along with Dee Wallace (The Howling, Cujo, Critters), Meg Foster (They Live, Leviathan, Masters of the Universe), Nancy Linehan Charles (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, The Stepfater), Bonita Friedericy (Paranormal Activity 3), Andrew Prine (Witchouse II: Blood Coven, V: The Final Battle, Amityville II: The Possession), Richard Fancy (Species, Spellbinder), Michael Berryman (Weird Science, The Hills Have Eyes Parts I & II), Judy Geeson (Inseminoid), Sid Haig (Galaxy of Terror, Creature), Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator, You’re Next, Puppetmaster), Clint Howard (Halloween, House of the Dead), Udo Kier (The Theater Bizarre, Mother of Tears, Iron Sky), Camille Keaton (I Spit on Your Grave, The Butterfly Room), Richard Lynch (The Sword and the Sorcerer, Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge), Silvia Moore (Chillerama), Maria Olsen (Paranormal Activity 3), Michael Shamus Wiles (Hellraiser: Inferno, The Puppet Masters, Puppet Master 4), Lisa Marie (Sleepy HollowMars Attacks!), Maria Conchita Alonso (Predator 2, The Running Man) and Daniel Roebuck (John Dies at the End, Final Destination).
I am generally pleased with Zombie’s body of work and this represents an important step for him. He has sidestepped shock and awe in lieu of character-driven story development. That didn’t go well from start to finish in this case, but he certainly had my attention and interest beyond the first 60-80 minutes, shortly after which this trippy descent into madness falls flat on its back. His attention to lighting, Sheri’s acting and a lighter approach to intensity make me eager to see what he does next.
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