The MFF Podcast #38: The Best Fights of Film
You can download the pod on Itunes or head over to BLOGTALKRADIO to stream it. If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
We hope you enjoyed our previous episode: The MFF Podcast #37: Cinematic Trees I Wouldn’t Want in My Front Yard.
SUMMARY: This week the MFF crew discusses some favorite movie fights and how those fights affected the movie, the story and the fans–covering combat from Undisputed 2, Troy, Eastern Promises, Death Warrant, Friday and The Punisher. Additionally, hypothetical movie remakes, The Hobbit cave troll injuries and our favorite non-human characters of 2015 are discussed.
We also answer such important questions as…
“Who are your favorite non-human characters of 2015?”
“Was Death Warrant’s Sandman the stupidest JCVD bad guy ever?”
“Was Spawn made back before filmmakers knew how to do dark superheroes?”
“What fights had the best biggest impact on their movies?”
“What happened to that Cave Troll that had a battering ram on its head in The Battle of the Five Armies?”
You can listen to the pod on BLOGTALKRADIO.
or head over Itunes so you can download, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod.
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I love the podcast How Did This Get Made? It is a bonkers delight that breaks down all that is glorious about really bad movies (I wrote an oral history and recorded a podcast for the fictional film Squid Lake if you are interested). One of my favorite parts of the podcast is its “Second opinion” segment. Paul Scheer reads five star reviews culled from Amazon that praise the bad films and sometimes get very weird. Hearing these reviews (maybe real, maybe fake) got me thinking about what are the audiences favorite HDTGM films. We all know they were mostly critically panned (Face/Off has a 92% rating on RT. What!?!) but I wanted to know what the audience and consumers think about these mostly terrible (a few exceptions) movies.
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If you haven’t listened to their Punisher: Warzone podcast you need to do it now.
The reason I wanted to figure out the peoples’s champ is that I love some of the 120 films they’ve covered. For some reason or another the cheesiness works on me and I will never admit that they are literally bad. I remember being annoyed when Deep Blue Sea was being talked about on HDTGM because I think it the best worst movie ever made. I was working in a theater when it was released and people went insane during the shark attacks. Shakespeare it ain’t but my experiences watching it have made me ignore that it is a bonkers film. When it comes to bad movies everybody has a few they love for some reason. I wanted to know which of these “bad” movies are popular with audiences.
There is no world where a monologuing Sam Jackson getting eaten by a shark is a bad thing.
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In order to figure out the highest audience rated movies I compiled all the films (120), collected user data (Rotten Tomatoes, IMDb, Amazon), and averaged out the scores. The biggest problem were the inclusion of the Fast & Furious films. I get why they are being covered but they are so popular and critically beloved they easily won the day. So, I expanded the lists to show you what takes second place after the Fast films.
If you are interested I also broke down the critical/audience data for the best 21st century horror films and we here at MFF have a podcast of our own! Check it out on Blog Talk Radio and listen to our randomness.
I’ve ranked the films in three categories. I wanted to know three things.
- Top audience rated films according to IMDb, Rotten Tomatoes and Amazon.
- What films have the highest average of five star ratings on Amazon? For Example, Burlesque has 1,532 customer reviews on Amazon. 78% of the reviews are five star reviews.
- The top films according to the average of user ratings and five star averages.
Here are the winners!
Top 15 Audience rated films according to Rotten Tomatoes, IMDb and Amazon.
15. Crank – 71
14. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze – 71.3
13. Hackers -72
12. Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 2 – 72
11. The Odd Life of Timothy Green – 72.6
10. Safe Haven – 73.3
9. Burlesque – 73.3
8. Demolition Man – 74.3
7. Roadhouse – 74.3
6. Con Air – 76.3
5. The Devil’s Advocate – 80.3
4. Face/Off – 81.3
3. Fast Five -82
2. Furious 7 -82
- Fast & Furious 6 – 82.6 – Any movie featuring the world’s longest runaway and tank destruction can’t be bad.
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Top 15 “Five Star” Averages
15. Over the Top -67%
14. No Holds Barred – 67%
13. Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part One – 68%
12. Ernest Goes to Jail – 68%
11. Rhinestone – 69%
10. Face/Off – 70%
9. Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 2 – 72%
8. Cool as Ice – 73%
7. Furious 7 -74%
6. Fast Five – 74%
5. The Room – 74%
4. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor -74%
3. Roadhouse – 75%
2. Furious 6 – 76%
1. Burlesque – 78% – Amazon users love Burlesque!
My biggest problem with this list is Roadhouse should have like 139% five star averages.
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The Top 20 Films according to the average of audience (RT, Amazon, IMDb) and five star reviews.
20. Tango & Cash – 64.5
19. Ernest Goes to Jail – 64.5
18. Over the Top – 65
17. Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part One – 65.5
16. The Odd Life of Timothy Green – 67.5
15. Joyful Noise – 68.5
14. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze – 69.25
13. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor – 69.75
12. Safe Haven – 70
11. Hackers – 70.5
10. Demolition Man -71
9. Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 2 – 72
8. Con Air – 73
7. Roadhouse – 74.5
6. Burlesque – 74.5
5. The Devil’s Advocate – 75.5
4. Face/Off – 78.5
3. Furious 7 – 80
2. Fast Five – 80
- Fast & Furious 6 – 81
The Fast movies drove away with the win but it was interesting to see who else made the top 20. I was stoked to see bad Ernest make the list!
Bad Ernest. He’s so hot right now.
The Worst of the Worst – These 10 films have the lowest audience/five star review average.
10. Speed 2: Cruise Control – 36.25
9. Skyline – 35.75
8. I know Who Killed Me – 35.25
7. Tiptoes – 35.25
6. Jaws 4 – 34.5
5. Liz and Dick – 30.5
4. Batman and Robin – 30.25
3. The Wicker Man – 30
2. Gigli – 26.75
- Battlefield Earth – 26.25 – I agree with this.
In case you were wondering here are the top 15 films according to the Rotten Tomatoes critics.
15. Con Air – 54
14. Deep Blue Sea – 56
13. Sharknado 2 – 59
12. Crank – 61
11. Crank 2 – 63
10. Spiderman 3 – 63
9. Demolition Man – 64
8. The Devil’s Advocate – 66
7. Life Force – 67
6. Fast and Furious 6 – 69
5. Fast Five – 78
4. Furious 7 – 81
3. Sharknado – 82
2. Sleepaway Camp – 83
- Face/Off – 92
92! What? Really? I love it. Also, if you haven’t read my post about John Travolta’s villainous smoking I suggest you do it now. You will love it.
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John’s Horror Corner: Night Angel (1990), the pleasantly gory tale of the evil succubus Lilith.
MY CALL: This is campy 80s horror at its best. Gory and sexualized with a diversity of special effects, zany scenes and plot elements that are melodramatically over-explained…this put a 90 minute grin on my face. MOVIES LIKE Night Angel: Want more bewitching women? Try Spellbinder (1988), The Kiss (1988), and more on the smutty exploitative side of things is The Haunting of Morella (1990). For more sultry life-drainers aim for Lifeforce (1985) and Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988). And for more flesh-melding sexuality maybe a little From Beyond (1986) and Society (1989).
Earning the award for “Most Melodramatic and Over-Explanatory Opening Monologue” in the first few minutes, this wacky 80s horror flick was entertaining from start to finish. Make no mistake: this movie is dumb. But it also brimming with 80s charm. Much to the satisfaction of any 80s horror fan, we jump right into a creature effects scene that really isn’t bad at all as a slimy filth-covered woman with monstrous claws pulls herself from the earth. Just to keep things classy, let’s also have a look at her boobs like right away since we’re already 4 minutes deep into the movie and we don’t want anyone to get bored. See what I mean? We’re in for a fun ride with this one!
This movie is loaded with things that are silly. In the middle of the night a guy hears a weird sound outside and it turns out to be a llama in his backyard. What!?!?!? Then we transition to a bloody, murderous and horrendously campy sex scene. But this is just victim number one…let’s get into the meat of the story.
An editor for Siren magazine, our protagonist Craig (Linden Ashby; Mortal Kombat, Prom Night) has nightmares of the murderous sexcapades of the succubus Lilith. Little does he know, his dreams are really happening! Not sure why he was chosen to have these dreams, but he has them nonetheless.
Craig encounters Lilith in the flesh at a party for Siren’s fashion magazine at a club. The overtly sultry Lilith (German soap opera star Isa Jank) licks foaming beer bottles for waaaay too long, turns every man’s head in the house, and embraces every opportunity to take off her clothes and lead men to the sex-driven demise. Why? Because evidently the best way to disseminate Lilith’s lusty evil is by being on the cover of the next issue of Siren. And now Siren magazine executives are dying one by one.
For one random death Lilith basically uses seduction and illusion to lure a man into falling down an elevator shaft to his gory demise. This was an interesting choice. I’m a big fan of the soul-sucking kiss of death techniques from Lifeforce (1985) and Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988). But this was still pleasing enough—a bit on the silly campy side, which suits me just fine. Not that I expect consistency from a movie like this, but later she squeezes her victims’ essence from their heart. These heart rip scenes are reminiscent of the heart removal from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) by the Kali Priest and, coincidently, it is suggested that Lilith was known as Kali among other names in history. She basically plunges her fingers deep into her victim’s chest, grabs their heart, and they slowly die. It’s pretty cool, albeit unoriginal.
But the movie hasn’t slipped off the deep end just yet… cue the surreal party scene with face melding a la From Beyond (1986) and Society (1989), men’s faces on breasts, people being tortured and eaten… oh, right, and Lilith spits evil leech monsters from her mouth like she has one of those Aliens mouth-within-a-mouth deals. Thankfully—just to keep things sane—there’s an elderly voodoo-practicing taxi driver (who’s been stalking Craig babbling nonsense for the last hour) to explain everything: “[Lilith] is Satan’s whore. Lust is her lifeforce. She was Adam’s first wife…before Eve…” Oh, good. NOW it all makes sense. Meanwhile, the Siren office slowly becomes a lecherous domain in which everyone is randy, rape-y, lasciviously sauntering about, and obsessed with worshipping Lilith.
Fans will enjoy finding Doug Jones (Absentia, Love in the Time of Monsters) playing the uber-horny office guy who want to bear Lilith’s children. He provides the comic relief complete with a gangly night club dance scene and he gets a shocking amount of screentime throughout the movie. Also keep an eye out for a brief spot by the diminutive Phil Fondacaro from Ghoulies II (1988) and Meridian (1990).
This turned out to be a pleasantly gory little jaunt. Lilith’s slimy emergence, the infernal body-melding torture orgy party, people getting impaled through the torso, more than one scene with a heart rip life-drain that we get to fully see, and various cuts, slashes and stabs peppered in here and there. Then there’s Lilith’s demonic transformation which we see it in two phases: one with her clawed hand and a hybrid face (heavy latex and make-up), the other just a slime-tastic, oozing Hell beast (full monster suit). She looks like a cool mix of the demons from The Unholy (1988), The Terror Within (1989) and the transformed gargoyle from Lover’s Vow (1990; Tales from the Darkside: The Movie). Lilith’s defeat is lame and abrupt (like most 80s horror endings), but I didn’t let it bother me too much. This movie was FUN!
I’ve gotta’ say this movie surprised me. It’s dumb, but I was thoroughly entertained and I’m a little disappointed this isn’t available on DVD. I’d seriously buy it. Also, given the premise, I expected something smutty or trashy. That really wasn’t the case here. Sure, there’s some nudity (a few women’s worth and easily more than average), but this is not exploitation horror or smut per se. This is just typical 80s horror that happens to have a sexualized story.
Recommended for 80s horror fans.
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2015 CHRISTMAS SHOPPING GUIDE for Movie Fans: Aliens edition
If you’ve ever listened to the Movies, Films and Flix Podcast, then you are well aware of our love for the Alien franchise. And with Christmas right around the corner, we figured some of you listeners and readers might want a hand with some gift ideas. In this article you’ll find several gift ideas ranging from Funko Vinyl Pop Figures, unofficial Lego toys and clothing to various random stocking stuffers like and random toys. Just click the product name and go right to the vendor’s website to view and buy. And no, we don’t get a cut of the sales–we are doing this because we love Alien movies, we love Alien movie fans, and we want to get Alien movie stuff into your hands. So buy from them from the linked vendors or simply search on Amazon. We want to give you ideas and make your gifts matter!
Also check out the CHRISTMAS SHOPPING GUIDE for Movie Fans: Big Trouble in Little China edition.
After all, we understand how frustrating Christmas shopping can be.
So all you fans of the Alien franchise (1979-present) need look no further! If you are a fan yourself or simply need to find a Christmas gift for such a fan we have your shortcut right here…
1. Life Size Xenomorph Egg — complete with its own eerie lighting and life size facehugger! from @NECA_TOYS
2. Carton of 6 Xenomorph Eggs, with Facehuggers from @NECA_TOYS
3. Alien Xenomorph Scalers from @NECA_TOYS
4. Alien Facehugger Plush and Chestburster Lifesize Plush (Set Of 2)
5. Xenomorph Alien Face Hugger Ski Mask from @Etsy
6. Handmade I ❤ Aliens Chestburster Necklace from @Etsy
7. Alien Facehugger Cat Toy from @Etsy
8. Free Facehugger Hugs (Tank Top)
9. Facehugger Glass Straw from @Etsy
10. Kubrick Alien Mini Figure Kane Facehugger Patient and Kubrick Alien Mini Figure
11. Baby Onesie from @Etsy
12. Alien Face Hugger 3D Printed IPhone case from @Etsy
13. Throw Pillows
[You need to visit the website to see the images, but they’re COOL!!! You won’t see it right away on the website…so try clicking on the out-of-view pillow at the top of the screen. I have included the “least” interesting pillow. Search the website, they have at least three totally different designs.]
14. Alien Chopstick Face Hugger
15. Alien Vinyl Figure by Funko
16. Weyland Yutani Corp 2 Tone Hoodie Inspired by Aliens 1986
17. Alien Evolution Egg Facehugger Sci-Fi Movie Cool Art 30×20 Framed Canvas Print
If you found this helpful, please also check out the CHRISTMAS SHOPPING GUIDE for Movie Fans: Big Trouble in Little China edition.
Are the gift ideas forming???
We, here at MFF, hope to have made your Christmas shopping a little easier this year. Stay tuned for more Christmas gift shopping advice…
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John’s Horror Corner: The Pyramid (2014), death by starving feral Sphinx cats and weak Egyptian death Gods.
MY CALL: This is one of those movies that you “hope” will be good, but isn’t. Maybe it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve seen this month either. I won’t recommend it to anyone looking for a good “scary movie” night. But this would make an excellent drinking game or “friends’n’beer” flick. MOVIES LIKE The Pyramid: The Last Exorcism (2010) and Grave Encounters (2011) take similar approaches but find considerably more successful results.
With the same playful and cheeky approach of The Last Exorcism (2010) and Grave Encounters (2011), this film opens like an upbeat documentary about an anthropological expedition that would air on the Discovery or History Channel. A team of scientists aim to excavate and explore a completely buried pyramid whose age predates most Egyptian history, indicating possible extraterrestrial origins for this uniquely three-sided pyramid (others being four-sided) and nods to the SETI program (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence). With one archaeologist being an extraterrestrial skeptic and his daughter the “alien hypothesizer” we find satisfying witty exchanges that stage not only their character dynamic but the story itself. At this point, the film has promise.
Once the pyramid is discovered to be defended by deadly booby-traps, they send in a cute little NASA Mars rover that looks like Wall-E’s cousin to probe the interior. Of course, the rover encounters “something” and is disabled. So, again of course, the team has to go in to recover the important NASA robot and ends up trapped inside this giant labyrinthine tomb along with what seem to be very large, hairless, flesh-eating rats. This is about where the movie shifts from promising to…well, something less palatable. Let’s just say Of Unknown Origin (1983) was a much better “man versus monstrous rat” movie and AVP (2004) was a much better “trapped in an alien pyramid” movie.
First-time director but experienced horror writer Grégory Levasseur (High Tension, Mirrors, The Hills Have Eyes, Maniac) introduced this film nicely in the first 15-20 minutes, but then completely lost his footing and fell face-first into a spiked pit quite early in this film. It should be noted that he had no part in actually writing this film and also that, while some scenes are presented through handheld camera POV, this really isn’t a found footage film.
So these rats actually turn out to be Egyptian cats (of the Sphinx breed) which, by some super strength, manage to pull a PA3 “Toby backbreak” pulling a victim down a tiny corridor. I guess this was very entertaining, but simultaneously very awful. The general menace of these cats persists for quite a while and eventually my concern was growing that this whole movie was going to be about these feral Sphinx cats hunting down our scientists. <<FACEPALM>> But then, pretty much out of some random grab bag of plot ideas pulled from a hat, the CGI jackal-headed Egyptian God Anubis arrives to “weigh” our protagonists’ souls on the myth-told scales. Now he is the bad guy…and a dumb one at that.
The scenes with the poorly CGI’d Anubis aren’t cool, the plot goes nowhere interesting, the cats attack Anubis in a lame CGI mess, and a young scientist defeats the God Anubis with a road flare…did you get that? Defeated a GOD with a flare!!! OMFG, I can’t believe this lunacy hit theaters.
So this happens. And no, it’s not from a ScyFy Channel direct-to-TV movie-of-the-week.
After the characters entered the pyramid, I really never gave a damn about them or what happened to them. The charismatic introductions of the first act have been completely squandered. That short first act was good, even great by horror standards. But everything fell apart thereafter. In an attempt to cultivate tension and the need for escape, people were being infected with some sort of flesh-rotting fungus. That didn’t work either.
Nothing in this film worked except for our introduction to the characters. The cast includes Denis O’Hare (American Horror Story, True Blood) as the lead scientist, Ashley Hinshaw (Chronicle, True Blood) as his scientist daughter, and James Buckley (The Inbetweeners). They all did very well in the beginning and then fell prey to the writing before the Sphinx cats could finish them off.
This is one of those movies that you “hoped” would be good. It wasn’t. But maybe it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve seen this month either. I won’t recommend it to anyone looking for a good “scary movie” night. But this would make an excellent drinking game or “friends’n’beer” flick.
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The MFF Podcast #37: Cinematic Trees I Wouldn’t Want in My Front Yard
Great news! Blog Talk Radio, Sharkdropper and MFF have teamed up to form the perfect movie podcast. Now, you can stream the pods on the BTR website or download from Itunes.
I recently watched a screening of The Last Witch Hunter and it got me thinking about dangerous trees. In the film there is a “plague tree” that is home to the witch queen and it is probably the worst thing ever. The tree exists so that plague flies can grow in it until they are ready to wipe out everybody. In honor of that jerky tree I compiled a list of trees that I would not want in my front yard. Some of these trees are not evil or jerky. However, the occurrences around them would spell disaster for homeowners and would leave us as frustrated and confused as the people in The Happening.
In honor of the post we are talking cinematic trees we don’t want in our front yard! Whether it be a Whomping Willow or that terrible tree in Evil Dead you don’t want these things anywhere near your house.
You do not want a plague tree on your property.
In this pod you will be you will transported to a world of jerky trees that elevated their roles by wrecking property and absorbing babies.
Sit back, relax and enjoy another random movie podcast from MFF. Check out the MFF pod on Blog Talk Radio or head over to Itunes and listen to the randomness!
If you get a chance please REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
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If you’ve ever listened to the Movies, Films and Flix Podcast, then you are well aware of our unconditional love for Kurt Russell. And with Christmas right around the corner, we figured some of you listeners and readers might want a hand with some gift ideas. In this article you’ll find several gift ideas ranging from Funko Vinyl Pop Figures and classic action figures to various T-shirts and sweatshirts. Just click the product name and go right to the vendor’s website to view and buy. And no, we don’t get a cut of the sales–we are doing this because we love Kurt Russell movies, we love Kurt Russell movie fans, and we want to get Kurt Russell movie stuff into your hands. So buy from them from the linked vendors or simply search on Amazon. When a vendor is not named, then the link goes to Google Shopping (various vendors). We want to give you ideas and make your gifts matter!
After all, we understand how frustrating Christmas shopping can be.
So all you fans of Big Trouble in Little China (1986) need look no further! If you are a fan yourself or simply need to find a Christmas gift for such a fan we have your shortcut right here…
1. Pork Chop Express sweatshirt from @teespring
2. Egg Shen’s Six Demon Bag T-shirt from @TeeChipOfficial
3. Wing Kong Trading Co T-shirt from @teespring
4. Big Trouble In Little China: Wing Kong Pullover/Zip-Up Hooded Top from @Etsy
5. The Three Storms T-shirt from @skreened
6. Big Trouble in Little China Gracie Law Pop! Vinyl Figure from various vendors
7. Funko Big Trouble In Little China Pop! Movies Jack Burton Vinyl Figure and Funko Big Trouble In Little China Pop! Movies Lo Pan Vinyl Figure from @HotTopic
8. Reaction Big Trouble in Little China: Jack Burton Action Figure Funko and Big Trouble in Little China Lo Pan Reaction Figure from various vendors
9. Big Trouble in Little China Funko ReAction Complete Set (6) from @CLARKtoys
10. Funko Pop Movies Big Trouble Little China 6 Piece Vinyl Action Figure Set
11. The Three Storms from Big Trouble In Little China Poster from @Etsy
12. Fu Manchu Shirt
13. EGG FOO Yong Tours T-shirt from @Etsy
Are the gift ideas forming???
We, here at MFF, hope to have made your Christmas shopping a little easier this year. Stay tuned for more Christmas gift shopping advice…
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John’s Horror Corner: The Haunting of Morella (1990), a smutty, possession-themed, boobstravaganza exploitation film with craptastic effects.
NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW
NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW
NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW
MY CALL: This may not be softcore porn, but it’s absolutely an exploitation film with nothing to offer anyone looking for any form of horror movie at all. My entertainment derived solely from the ridiculous awfulness of this movie and the amazing amount of screen time dedicated to bare breasts. Now I remember why I liked this so much when I was 13 (over 20 years ago!). MORE SHAMELESSLY BOOB-FILLED MOVIES LIKE The Haunting of Morella: To name a few for you skin-flick horror fans, how about Killer Workout (1987), Death Spa (1989), Barbarian Queen (1985), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983), Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987), The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984), Evils of the Night (1985), Head of the Family (1996), Piranha 3DD (2012) and Bio Slime (2010). That ought to keep you busy.
Based on the work of Edgar Allen Poe (probably rolling over in his grave) and brought to you by Roger Corman, The Haunting of Morella is a film that leaps into the deep end of its own melodramatic insanity with reckless abandon from its first few seconds of running time as we witness the colonial crucifixion of the young, attractive witch Morella (Nicole Eggert; Baywatch, Clan of the Cave Bear, Decoys) whose last words curse her family that she would one day return to possess her daughter and welcome them to the gates of Hell. This curse (and the three minutes of film surrounding it) are the only fraction of this movie’s story that makes any sense at all. After this point, the story components and even the characters themselves seem a bit confused.
Director Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall, Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans) has had a long history of exploitation filmmaking. So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to the abundance of nudity and general dearth of substance in this schlocky film. Clearly he spent every dollar he could tipping the actresses to disrobe and spared a few remaining crumbled bills for the obviously inexperienced special effects team to transform Lenora (also played by Nicole Eggert) into the occasionally monstrous-faced Morella.
Your Day of the Dead make-up sucks. Just sayin’.
Like any Roger Corman film, the cast features a slew of exploitation vixens including Maria Ford (Necronomicon: Book of the Dead, Deathstalker IV), Gail Harris (Sorority House Massacre II), Deborah Dutch (Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell, 976-Evil II) and the statuesque Amazon Lana Clarkson (Deathstalker, Barbarian Queen), who was tragically murdered in real life by Phil Spector.
Look at Lana Clarkson next to Nicole Eggert. It’s like a Mastiff next to a Pomeranian!
Back when I reviewed Piranha 3DD (2012) I came up with a sort of “Movie Metric” for gratuitous nudity… “If there was a movie Freakonomics calculation called breast time it would be measured in breast seconds—the total number of breasts in a movie times the number of seconds that each breast is bare. [Piranha 3DD’s] breast second tabulation would result in a breast time of 300% of the movie’s actual running time. It’s truly shameful.” Perhaps they should rename this film The Breasting of Morella as it puts Piranha 3DD to shame
Flashbacks inform us that Morella turned to the occult to remedy some unnamed terminal illness that would soon kill her—however healthy and hot she may appear. So, of course, she finds a completely naked bathing virgin woman to kill with the least convincing on-screen throat slit of 90s horror. Afterwards, Morella bathes in her blood, also naked. Shifting back to present day, we find Lenora’s uber-tall guardian (Lana Clarkson) naked taking a bath. Such a smooth transition, right? How ever did the director muse the shift from a flashback with two naked women taking a bath to a present day naked women taking a bath? Impressive and seamless. This naturally develops into a lesbian massage with continued and markedly needlessly prolonged on-screen nudity.
As a teenager of the early 90s without a computer, naturally I loved this. As an adult with the internet, this film now feels like a 90% waste of time with 10% nostalgia.
The plot lumbers forward at a sluggish pace…that is, of course, unless you came here to count on-screen boobs. With the exception of disrobing the female cast (which was done in an instant with the pull of a string), everything seems to take way too long to unfold, occur and explain itself. And on that note, everything is over-explained in nauseating detail. Much to the contrary the one scene that should find elaborate development, the possession and its process, is completed almost instantaneously with no effects to speak of except for a corpse with some glowing eye sockets.
This corpse talks. Not scary, not creepy.
From one temporary possession of Lenora’s body to another, we learn that Morella needs to be fully resurrected because this whole possession thing is like way harder than she expected it to be. So now her old Amazon friend who lives with the family (no clue why) and somehow didn’t age at all in nearly 20 years (maybe it’s Maybelline) must help her to find virgins (because, yeah, you know, virgins!!!). So we find yet another naked lady who, for some reason, is written an entire back story despite being on screen for five minutes…and she’s killed. Now stronger after absorbing another soul, Morella again possess Lenora and…more sex! It seems sex is like filling the tank before taking your newly possessed body out for a spin. Then some more painful acting, cheap and terrible effects, and an evil mirror “other world”…and then yet more sex.
The bombardment of retched effects continues along with the general story-based stupidity. Speaking of stupid, yet another 5-minute character with too much back story is drained by Morella’s Lifeforce (1985) kiss of death to replenish her further a la Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988). As if we hadn’t yet endured enough pointless characters and gratuitous nudity, here comes more of both in the form of a grotto-like lesbian skinny-dipping scene. This smutty scene is immensely drawn out as if to accumulate several breast minutes to the aforementioned breast time metric. And worry not, the gross over-exposition continues to plague this already awful film with such blunt statements as “After one more feeding I’ll be completely resurrected.” How does she even know that? Is this like a Subway punch card that’s one hole-punch away from a free 6″ sub?
For those who could possibly care, the only noteworthy point to this movie is that every female member of the cast gets naked (even though Eggert uses a body double). The movie ends without a single scary moment to its credit, rather abruptly, stupidly and with no semblance of build-up, tension, urgency or conclusion. Lenora’s father simply grabs her, now possessed by Morella, and breaks his oil lamp to burn them both alive. Roll credits. Shit this was awful! Haha
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The MFF Podcast #36: The Best 60 Seconds or Less Movie Characters
Great news! Blog Talk Radio, Sharkdropper and MFF have teamed up to form the perfect movie podcast. Now, you can stream the pods on the BTR website or download from Itunes.
This weeks episode covers the best 60 seconds or less movie characters. The one thing that all great movies have in common is that they are loaded with memorable characters who don’t need a lot of screen time to be remembered. Whether it be an old guy with a very loud stamp or Bill Murray in a tree you gotta love these people.
This guy loved his Rancor and cried for the fallen beast. He did a lot with a little.
In this pod you will be you will transported to a world of memorable bit players that elevated their roles by eating candy bars or attempting to punch Laura Linney.
Sit back, relax and enjoy another random movie podcast from MFF. Check out the MFF pod on Blog Talk Radio or head over to Itunes and listen to the randomness!
If you get a chance please REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
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MFF Streaming: Reviewing the lesser-known horror films on Netflix
Netflix is loaded with horror films and the majority of them are not good. You could easily pick the wrong film and find yourself watching a soul crushingly bad movie. In order to prevent this from happening I’ve taken it upon myself to scour the depths of Netflix in order to sort out the good from the bad. The following post quickly reviews five films and hopefully gives you some information on whether or not you should watch them.
Dark Was The Night
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I love that Kevin Durand (Reel Steal, Noah, Blade 2, Winter’s Tale, Smokin’ Aces, Legion) finally got to star in a film and show some emotional range. I bet he loved every second of not being a thug or villain. However, this creature feature is bogged down by way too much backstory and a somber tone that prevents anything from being enjoyable. I get the character arc, (a man coming to grip with loss) but it takes away from anything that could’ve made this movie fun.
If you are a fan of Kevin Durand I totally recommend you watch Dark Was the Night. However, if you are indifferent to the Durand stay away.
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Tremors 5: Bloodlines
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Tremors 5 ain’t Shakespeare but it will appease Tremors fans. It is a capably made little direct to DVD film that is way better than it has any right to be. The Tremors world has always been a pleasant place that features cheeky monsters, breezy plots and likable people. The light tone and banter of Tremors 5 make for a fun 90 minutes that helps you remember why Jamie Kennedy had a decent run back in the day. Is Tremors 5 a good film? No. Is Tremors 5 a solid addition to a direct to DVD creature feature series? Yep.
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Let Us Prey
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Let Us Prey is a nasty little Scottish film that revolves around a very bad night at a police station. When I say “nasty” I mean really nasty. The characters are all villains and the blood and guts are aplenty. I like actor Liam Cunningham (Dog Soldiers, Game of Thrones, Centurion) in pretty much everything so I gave Let Us Prey a chance. If you like deranged people doing deranged things to each other you will love this film.
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From the Dark
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From the Dark tells the age-old story of a nice couple being attacked by an ancient beast. The small Irish film does a solid job establishing a claustrophobic setting and not explaining away the monster via a lame backstory or convenient harbinger. The biggest knock against it is that it adds nothing new to the creature feature genre. It is well made but disposable. If you dig standard creature features you will appreciate this little film.
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Preservation
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I’m not sure why Preservation exists because there is basically nothing to it. Preservation tells the story of a camping trip gone awry. The three main characters start off likable enough but it all devolves once the killers identities are revealed. I feel like this is a one concept movie. The director/writer came up with a decent idea and failed to build anything around it. The poster is cool though.
Movies, Films & Flix 