I believe that the shark wants revenge against Mrs. Brody. I do. I really do believe it. After all, her husband was one of the men who hunted this shark and killed it, blowing it to bits. And what shark wouldn’t want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it?
Here are some things, however, that I do not believe: That Mrs. Brody could be haunted by flashbacks to events where she was not present and that, in some cases, no survivors witnessed. That Mrs. Brody would commandeer a boat and sail out alone into the ocean to sacrifice herself to the shark, so that the killing could end. That Caine’s character could or would crash-land his airplane at sea so that he and two other men could swim to Mrs. Brody’s rescue. That after being trapped in a sinking airplane by the shark and disappearing under the water, Caine could survive the attack, swim to the boat, and climb on board – not only completely unhurt but also wearing a shirt and pants that are not even wet. That the shark would stand on its tail in the water long enough for the boat to ram it. That the director, Joseph Sargent, would film this final climactic scene so incompetently that there is not even an establishing shot, so we have to figure out what happened on the basis of empirical evidence.
MY CALL: If you think you’re a horror fan and you haven’t seen this yet, I’m taking your Union card away. Do yourself a favor and just buy it! You’ll want to share it with friends. MOVIES LIKE Hatchet: Movies from the Friday the 13th (1980), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Wrong Turn (2003) franchises comprise the more serious suggestions–the movies being lampooned. But Final Destination 5 (2011), Piranha 3D (2010), Piranha 3DD (2012), The Hazing (2004) and Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010) seem to better capture the flavor of Hatchet. For more gore-geared hilarity, try Drag Me to Hell (2009) and The Cabin in the Woods (2012).
Writer/director Adam Green (The Diary of Anne Frankenstein in Chillerama, Hatchet II) successfully brings us a spoofy horror that pays homage to the Gods of 80s slasher movies. While only cusping the outright horror comedy (e.g., Shaun of the Dead) or the more twisted slapstick approach (a la Evil Dead 2 or Dead-Alive), the humor is frequent and undeniable and the epic hatchetry (yup, just made that word up–please feel free to spread it like wildfire!) deserves a blood-soaked grin of approval. This reminds me more of the farcical approaches of Piranha 3D, The Hazing and Tucker and Dale vs Evil.
A group of mostly twenty-somethings take a trip to a much cleaner and far more sober-looking New Orleans than I’ve ever seen. They decide to go on a haunted swamp tour (led by a horrendously accented Parry Shen; The Hazing/Dead Scared) and find themselves stranded in the wilderness.
Ben (Joel David Moore; Shark Night 3D, The Diary of Anne Frankenstein in Chillerama) is the more sincere character whom we expect to survive this movie. He’s interested in fellow tour-goer Marybeth (Tamara Feldman; Perfect Stranger), who is suspiciously quiet and reclusive as if she’s on the tour with very different, more serious motives than simply having a fun night. She reveals that this swamp belongs to the horribly disfigured Victor Crowley and basically tells the other tour-goers Crowley’s “origin story.” Crowley looks like The Goonies‘ Sloth and teenage Jason Voorhees had a lovechild–pretty much like one of the Wrong Turn hillbillies–and he loves to kill.
“Heeeeey you guuuuuys!” [Okay, seriously, who got that reference?]
Bringing us laughs and TnA, Doug (Joel Murray; numerous sitcoms) is working on a low budget Girls Gone Wild: Girls of Mardi Gras video with two airheaded breast-baring rivals Misty (Mercedes McNab; Addams Family Values, Dark Reel) and Jenna (Joleigh Fioravanti ; Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders). They’re always reminding us they don’t like each other by criticizing their on-camera performances. “Your woo is so not in the moment.” “Yeah, well your nipples are dumb!”
WTF!?! HFS!!!! I have no idea why this happens. But it does! Adam Green, if you can hear my prayers…THANK YOU FOR THIS!
Once they find themselves in Victor Crowley’s territory there’s head-twisting, impalement, lower jaw-tearing, creative use of a grinder as dental equipment, loads of dismemberment, a bloody “death sneeze” to the face, diagonal torso cleaving (points for difficulty!), a gross case of mouth-to-mouth drooling and someone even gets hit in the head with a severed head; and the overall gore-slathered action comes at a very healthy pace. Piles of rubber guts, limbs and organs being forcibly sundered and yanked from their bodies, and buckets of blood being flung in front of the camera as readily as the young bare breasts of Mardi Gras all contribute to the fun of this movie.
I have this hunch that Victor really wanted to be a dentist when he grew up…
Cameos by Robert Englund (Zombie Strippers, Freddy vs Jason) and Tony Todd (Final Destination 5, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) round out the satisfaction for horror fans. The sets and acting all seem a little fake, but not “bad” fake. It all fits nicely with this more jesting approach to horror.
A classic actor. Englund’s still got it!
The killer (Kane Hodder; Hatchet III, Jason X) literally pops up out of nowhere between our victims mid-conversation like an over-sized hillbilly mutant ninja. It’s stupid as sin, but I laughed…after all, it was hilarious. Clearly, this is a nod to 80s killers’ legendary ability to vanish and then teleport the moment their victims’ take their eyes off of them for even a second.
From beginning to end, the movie kept a grin on my face. This is well-worth your time.
No. This in no way reminds me of the ending of Friday the 13th. What could possibly happen here?
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Bad Movie Tuesday: My Favorite Bad Action Movie Characters
I love bad movies. They have personality, charm and wonderfully off kilter characters. They are the products of delusion, laziness, ego and earnestness. To be a memorable bad movie character you have to rise above or below the material. The memorable performances are rarely decent. Think Nic Cage in The Wicker Man or Chris Klein from Street Fighter. They either realized the movie was terrible and had some fun or committed too much and went full crazy.
Here is my list for favorite characters in bad action films.
1. Dolph Lundgren – Command Performance
Why is Dolph at the top of the list? Well, he directed and starred in this movie about a biker/drummer/badass who kills many men and woos a beautiful twenty year old. While other directors are busy looking for Oscars Dolph was only concerned with looking awesome and playing some music. He is like the Dalton (Roadhouse) of Nu-Metal because everybody wants a piece of him.
I love that Dolph posed for these pictures. Check out the hair, tats, gun, leather pants, explosions and drum sticks.
Command Performance is a wonderfully insane film in which Dolph kills many bad guys and is in a Nu-Metal band called Cheap Mother F***kers (CMF). I love the film because it is an excuse for Dolph to kick ass and kick ass he does.
2. Nicolas Cage – Next
Boredom acting at its best. Time travel, falling logs and a readily available Jessica Biel are not enough to lure Cage out of his boredom. Add Julianne Moore as an FBI(?) agent who wears a funny hat and you have the two most quizzical A-list performances in years. Take a look at the pics below and you will notice a Cage trend that has persisted through the years.
Wearing a sweet leather jacket – Bored
A tryst with Biel – Bored
Eye torture – Bored
Looking at sweet watch – Bored
Getting some cuddles – Bored
Driving in the rain – Bored
I love Nicolas Cage as an actor. He had turned in some wonderful performances and his top five films could compete against any other actor. Sadly, his Next performance won’t be on that list.
3. Nicolas Cage – The Wicker Man
The polar opposite of Next. The Wicker Man is the gold standard of “Cage freak out.” The Oscar winner went full tilt boogie in this adaptation and it has become a beloved oddity of awesomeness. I love how Cage runs around the island and has to deal with copious amounts of people who won’t give him a straight answer.
As Cage becomes increasingly nutso he starts spouting lines like:
1. “I’m only interested in the law, sister. So if you wackos are murdering….”
2. “you have my permission to stay out the f&$^ing way.”
3. “I’m here bouncing around in circles and nobody is helping!”
4. “Take off your stupid mask!”
In the end, Nic Cage is burned alive and several women have raging headaches. The Wicker Man is about one man’s journey to wear a bear suit. Forget Gulliver and Odysseus Nic Cage’s trip is much more interesting.
Watch these clips. They are NSFW due to excessive swearing, yelling and sidekicks.
Fear the beat suit!
4. Stephen Baldwin – Shark’s in Venice
In the pic above he literally says “look at those thingies.”
Sharks in Venice might be my favorite bad movie. it is full of hilarious moments and jogging doubles. Stephen Baldwin phoned in his role of a teacher who makes his class read chapter four on repeat. Shark’s in Venice is brilliant because of the shoe horned sharks and the truly bonkers performance Baldwin turned in. For instance, when walking with his girlfriend he explains the scenery like this:
“look at these thingies”
“you like these thingies”
“Look at that thing”
Baldwin also unleashes the epic line “I can’t talk. I’m bleeding.” Watch this clip to watch Baldwin push things and use a jogging double. It is brilliant.
Jogging double!
5. Nash- Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li
Chris Klein went next level on bonkers on Street Fighter. His Nash character is a marvel of odd acting choices and intense dialogue delivery. I’ve never seen anything like it. I could watch this clip for days.
His tire inspection is very thorough
“This guy walks through the raindrops. You don’t want to take it to this dance detective.”
Poor Moon Bloodgood
Street Fighter is a terribly boring fight film that was illuminated by Klein’s performance. Was he in on the joke? Did you know that he improvised the “Nash out” line? IO9 answered the question if this movie was watchable:
“Should you go see Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li? Yes – but very, very, very drunk, and only for Klein, , people will be dressing up like Nash for Halloween. God help me, it was awful and I loved it. I loved it so much, I was clapping my hands and holding my sides whenever he appeared on screen. Chris Klein is this movie’s saving grace.”
You gotta see Nash in action!
Hope you enjoyed the list! Comment, Share, Tweet and Repost! Thanks!
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MY CALL: I never thought I’d say it, but Deathstalker was much better than this. LOL. MOVIES LIKE Conquest: Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”? Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size. Like the “bad”? How about Flash Gordon (1980), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Deathstalker (1983) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987).
Directed by Lucio Fulci (Zombi, City of the Living Dead, The Beyond), this film features loads of lame wookie-werewolf fights, some healthy of gore, a good bit of nudity and almost no discernible plot whatsoever. This actually has less of a plot than a movie that dares to call itself Deathstalker. I’m willing to call this Fulci’s biggest (and nearly only) failure. But whatever, I laughed at it a bit.
Yup. Wookie-werewolves.
So, this topless sorceress lady Ocran (Sabrina Siani; Aenigma, White Cannibal Queen) in a metal mask and her monkey-mask-wearing amazons summon a platoon of werewolf-monkey-wookie men to ravage a small tribe of aborigines. To show that they mean business, these furry mongoloids rip a naked woman in half from the legs up and present her severed head to their bare-breasted leader, who then unceremoniously eats the brains right out of it before fornicating with a python…I think…it’s not very clear. Within just 10 minutes of running time it’s apparent that the gore, completely pointless nudity and nonsense are set to an “11” in this exploitative gorefest.
Is this meant to remind me of a light saber? That’s Star Wars strike two.
Armed with his magical bow that shoots six magical arrows at once and penetrates stone, our hero Ilias is charged with ridding the land of evil…I think…it’s not very clear. That’s about all the plot we’re handed. Like any adventure movie, he finds an ally during his “quest.” Along the way, he meets Mace (Jorge Rivero; Werewolf). Mace fights some wookie-werewolves with stone nunchucks and some mean WWE moves. Mace always seems to save Ilias’ ass during their frequent and regrettably lame confrontations with Ocran’s forces. In fact, Ilias always seems to get his ass kicked unless he’s firing arrows at a distance. Wuss!
Even firing six magical arrows that can pass through stone at a time, he’s not as tough as Mace with his goofy stone nunchucks. SAD!
Throughout the film Ocran continues to sick her wookie-werewolves on Ilias and Mace, she periodically rubs snakes all over her body while dreaming about a weirdly faceless Ilias killing her, and she promises her body to some powerful warrior (Zora) if he can kill Ilias. I have no clue why Zora and Ocran are in cahoots…or even where, who or what Zora is…it’s really not very clear! We also encounter Mace’s evil doppelganger, some weird web-covered stone people, acrobatic troglodytes and some random swamp zombies–being that this is a Lucio Fulci movie, I guess that had to happen. For whatever reason, it seems that Mace does just about all the fighting as if this was his quest…or is it…it’s really not clear!
This…just…doesn’t make any sense!
What’s really random about this movie is that Ilias is killed, beheaded, and his body burned..but “his soul lives”…WTF? We only know because Ocran tells us. So Ilias, speaking from the spirit world, tells Mace to smear his ashes all over his face to anoint himself with Ilias’ power. But Ilias was a wuss, remember. He really just should have said “Yo, Mace, enjoy the magical bow, bro.” Mace was always fighting his battles for him and saving his hide anyway. So he’s really absorbing Ilias’ worthlessness as a warrior. Right? That’s how I see it anyway.
Oh, right, and for whatever WTF reason everyone has the ability to teleport when it suits them. Oh, and Mace shoots an arrow through a mountain to hit Ocran in the face. Oh, and Ocran has a face like a zombie from Planet of the Apes under that mask. Oh, and…well, it’s official. Everything about this movie is stupid.
Why did this happen? Why does she have a weird zombie face?
They really went for it with the combat choreography, even though the fights were piss poor. A lot of difficult moves are hilariously executed with God-awful technique in slow-motion. The gore was fun, though presented inconsistently. My favorite gore was when Ilias was poisoned and covered in pus-looking abscesses.
If you’re in the mood to be cynical and tear something apart to make yourself feel better, then this is the film for you!
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Two related horror franchises have recently been gaining traction in the movie rumor mills: Poltergeist and Paranormal Activity. Now, Poltergeist (1982) and Poltergeist II (1986) stand as excellent proof that the best horror came from the 80s. But Poltergeist III (1988), while watchable, suffered a noticeable drop in quality. Similarly, I loved Paranormal Activity (2007) and Paranormal Activity 2(2010). But sadly, just as with the Poltergeist franchise, things started to fall apart with PA 3(2011), and PA 4(2012) really just upset me.
Let’s be clear here, though. I’m going to see every movie that they will ever make in these horror franchises, despite my skepticism. And I hope they turn out well. But cinematic history harbingers a disappointing future. Below are some of my rantings on the issue of the Poltergeist remake.
Here are some of my concerns…
1. I simply don’t think this movie is ready for a remake/reboot. In fact, perhaps it will never be. Why? Because despite the complete lack of CGI the effects remain effective and scary even to today’s audiences. Just look at The Thing (1982); another EPIC horror movie with dated yet amazingly creepy effects. They prequeled/remade/rebooted The Thing (2011) and focused all of their attention to filling the film with CGI monsters while paying no attention to the ever-tooth-grinding tension of the original. They screwed up iconic scenes (e.g., the blood test), presented allegedly “different” characters who looked and acted just like the characters from the original (except for one female character), and gave me no reason to care when any of them were slaughtered. I actually give a play by play of how they screwed up that remake. and I’m horrified that this may happen to Poltergeist.
Hmmm…seems evil dolls have become a thing since 1982.
Here’s a scene with uber-limited special effects–basically none. Yet, this scene is waaaaay creepy. You wouldn’t think it by the image, but when you watch you see it–that clown doll is effing EVIL!
This was done with some sort of greenscreening and it took me off guard. It also looks really cool and weird. When it moves those stilty legs, it looks creepy and scary.
Okay, I’ll admit this looks fake. But the clay-faced fakeness of this actually made it seem more surreal and off-putting. This was really hard to watch as he tore his own face apart!
Really hard to watch!
2. Director Gil Kenan doesn’t have much experience. Sure, he directed Monster House (2006) which is a children’s family-friendly horror comedy, and he did City of Ember (2008) which is a family fantasy-adventure movie. Note the theme here, though…happy smiley family stuff. Poltergeist may have been rated PG, but it was SCARY and would easily give even today’s R-hardened children nightmares. There’s just not enough evidence to suggest that Kenan can handle this. That’s not to say that fledgling directors don’t occasionally accomplish great things. But I feel that this franchise reboot/remake deserves more of a proven track record.
3. Speaking of proven track records, James Wan was originally slated to helm this project. Now, I don’t think this remake should happen. But if it did, I’d want James Wan above all others. His work with Saw (2004), Dead silence (2007) and The Conjuring(2013) demonstrates the considerable attention he pays to building painful suspense, chilling moods, cold calculating evil characters and strong family unity when faced with supernatural adversity. He has also shown us (in The Conjuring) that he will not tolerate his characters to make idiotic mistakes, nor does he allow them to become impractically strong, smart, etcetera. He plays his cards just right and I love him for it.
Wan would have been perfect to remake this classic in which restless spirits from the other side reach out to a vulnerable little girl, Carol Ann.
4. AICN recently released casting additions to the Poltergeist remake, which now includes Saxon Sharbino as the older teenage daughter, Kyle Catlett and Kennedi Clements as their youngest. But I’m most comforted by the casting of Sam Rockwell and Rosemarie DeWitt as the parents. These strike me as smart choices–talented, grounded actors who don’t do horror. Ron Livingston and Lili Taylor fit this mold well in The Conjuring. Likewise Jared Harris and Jane Adams should serve as a good paranormal team akin to, but less attractive than, Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga. This wise casting could save this movie if the director can keep up with the actors.
The original casting in Poltergeist felt perfect. But this portrait of an American family is reproducible.
She was perfectly weird. She is NOT reproducible! I hope they don’t even try. Any medium can be a weird character, but if they go super short then they’re just trying too hard.
Some unawkward paranormal investigators for a change in The Conjuring, which has some Poltergeist-y elements. I trust Jared Harris and Jane Adams are sculpted into their own unique characters, even though Adams seems a LOT like the big-haired spectacled investigator from Poltergeist.
JoBeth Williams was a regular, good mom. Vulnerable to the thought of losing her daughter, but appropriately strong to get her back. Lili Taylor felt exactly like that in The Conjuring. I hope Rosemarie DeWitt can hold the role as well.
5. But even with good casting another question comes to mind…hasn’t Poltergeist sort of already been remade–even if only in pieces of recent movies? I mean, there was no solid Cain-analogous character (Cain was in part II), but between the Insidious series and The Conjuring, not to mention the strange domestic occurrences in Dark Skies(2013) or the PAseries, I can’t help but to feel that we’ve covered most of the integral scenes. I’m afraid people will compare the Poltergeist remake to these aforementioned movies which are, at least in part, Poltergeist remakes already.
Hmmmm….this does feel familiar.
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The Kings of Summer
The Kings of Summer is a breezy film about three teenagers finding their way in the wilderness. Their lives are not especially difficult but they struggle to find their identities as they move into their sophomore year of high school. So, they build a DIY house (the front door is from a porta potty) in the wilderness and live off the land and Boston Market. The film is a quirky delight filled with character actors, mustaches and wonderful moments.
It was a fantastic summer for property destruction (Man of Steel, Star Trek, Pacific Rim, World War Z, Wolverine) and teenagers (Mud, Spectacular Now, The Way, Way Back). Mud, Now and Way Back feature kids who find their way by actually experiencing the world. The separate themselves from the technological trappings and find first love, loss and sobriety. All of them are unique and wonderful in their own ways and I hope audiences discover each film.
Kings differ from the above mentioned films in it’s off-kilter approach and father/son dynamics. Mud and Spectacular feel very natural and realistic while Way Back and Kings feel written. This is not a bad thing to feel “written.” Tarantino’s films have the same quality and Rashida Jone’s neat Celeste and Jessie Forever had a similar written quality. You can sense the one-liners, set ups and personalities of the creators shine through. The conversations in King’s are mere fodder for the characters (mainly Nick Offerman) to verbally lambaste unwitting cops, boyfriends or parents. For instance, this gem between Offerman and a cop.
Cop: “Mr. Toy, are you familiar with boy who cried wolf?”
Offerman: ”Yes, I experienced a childhood on the planet Earth.”
Kings of Summer creates a farcical world where three teenagers can run away from home and live in a homemade shelter without being bothered. The police are incompetent and the parents not overly concerned. The biggest worry between them is the one girl who will inevitably break one’s heart and win over the other.
The problems in this film are not life threatening or epic. The movie stems from kids wanting to grow up and learning it isn’t always ideal. Your best friend might date the girl of your dreams. Your dad might be incredibly sarcastic and gruff. A snake might bite you while you try to machete it.
The Kings of Summer is a unique blast of fresh air that adds another solid chapter to the growing up genre. Nick Robinson, Gabriel Basso and Moises Arias are wonderful as the the lead trio who are equal parts naive, intelligent and odd. The supporting cast including Alison Brie, Megan Mullalley and Mary Lynn Rajskub are reliably hilarious without being over the top. I totally recommend watching the film so you can appreciate the writing and world building.
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Rush (2013), an exhilirating sports movie that doesn’t at all feel like a sports movie
MY CALL: It’s not about racing, but it’s all about the race. AMAZING. [A] FUN FACT: This is one of the only biographical movies I’ve ever seen in which an actor was made to look less attractive than the person he’s playing. I’m referring to Daniel Brühl, a naturally handsome man, who was apparently rendered less comely by the make-up team to make him less likable.
In many ways Rush was nothing like what I expected. When I think of driving/racing movies I think of The Transporter (2002), Fast Five (2011), Driven (2001) or Drive (2011). While these movies vary wildly in quality (some action movies, a competitive bro flick and a one legit film), they all have VERY exciting driving scenes. These movies also feature some aging bro-mentor meets wildcard rookie moments (Driven), intense stoic Albert Brooks and head stomping scenes (Drive), some serious jump spin kicks bringing Hong Kong cinema to America (The Transporter) and an international pec dance-off between Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel (Fast Five). Sure, there are some heavy moments surrounding the driving scenes in all these movies. But, far to the contrary, Rush‘s driving scenes were the least exciting scenes of the entire film…and in no way is this to the film’s detriment.
Rush chronicles the ascension of James Hunt (Chris Hemsworth; Snow White and the Huntsman, The Cabin in the Woods, The Avengers) and Niki Lauda (Daniel Brühl; Inglorious Bastards, The Countess) from their humble Formula 3 beginnings up to the contentious glory of Formula One. Their actions and dialogue, whether to, about or because of one another, illustrate their dependence on each other which subsequently fuels their addiction to competition. Each minute of this movie is every bit a duel as Rocky versus Ivan Drago and they bring out the very best (and the very worst) in each other.
But this “race car” movie hardly focuses on “action” or “racing” at all. But it is every bit about the intensity “of” the race…and the rush experienced by its competitors. This film is about the relationship and rivalry between of Hunt and Lauda, not the engines behind which they sit. As such, while almost every scene is effective and elicits sneers, gasps, laughs or sympathy–none of the major action or excitement takes place while the cars are actually moving. Quite to the contrary, the drivers rev their engines and scream around the track as Hans Zimmer’s soulful score builds to something powerful. However, the crescendo is not found in gasp-worthy maneuvers or photo finishes. It’s what happens when the cars “aren’t” racing that is exciting. The drama and humor finds us “before” setting foot in the car. Frustrations and conflict are expressed when the cars pit. And your greatest shock occurs not in anticipation of a crash, nor at the devastating contact of it. No… The heaviest moments in this film occur during the 90 seconds “after” the collision that leads to the crash and “after” the car has come to a complete stop! Yet more intensity is found as Lauda perseveres and recovers from irrecoverable injuries driven to resume his race against Hunt for the 1976 championship. You may not find it with the wind blowing through your hair on a sun-soaked day, but you will feel the rush and see the magnitude of the races through a different lens altogether.
The shots in the rain were the most powerful.
Here Hunt (Hemsworth) looks back to Lauda (Brühl), who wanted to cancel a race due to dangerous track conditions. Being that Lauda was leading the season in points, Hunt protested.
But still, the cinematography does its part, seizing the drivers’ hesitation with stunning rainy competition shots, speeding fish-eye lens framing and grounded POV angles.
Playing the three-time champ Lauda, Daniel Brühl masters his role as the rigid, obsessive, friendless and charmless Austrian. His tactful brilliance oozed a preternaturally meticulous fluency of all things racing–from track to engine and from the car to the man.
Calculating…
“I learn far more from my enemies than from my friends.”
Lauda’s complete opposite, Chris Hemsworth champions the devilishly charming Brit, James Hunt. Whereas Lauda remains determined, never letting his victories blur his focus, Hunt basks in international success, sexual conquest and alcoholic bliss. It’s a wonder his cause of death wasn’t being crushed to death under a pile of beautiful women. The press and the ladies alike adore this dashing silver-tongued hero.
Loving life…
A cameo by Natalie Dormer (Game of Thrones, Captain America: The First Avenger) swiftly ignites the screen with Hunt’s sexuality. But as the film shifts from ascension to harsh conflict, Olivia Wilde (The Change-Up, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone) assume the role of supermodel Suzy Miller. As Hunt’s wife, however briefly and tragic their marriage, she serves as little more than an emotionless frame depicting from within the image of Hunt’s downward spiral. Serving quite a different purpose as Marlene Lauda, Alexandra Maria Lara breathes life into Niki Lauda, humanizing his otherwise coarse persona and bringing him to the realization that greater happiness can be found off the track than forever chasing the next technical victory on the horizon. Without her, he’d never truly understand the “sacrifices” he so vehemently preaches to Hunt–or when they mount to high.
Photo (real) of Lauda and Hunt after Lauda’s crash and recovery.
This is a film that will make you “feel.” You’ll traverse most emotions of the human spectrum. But most importantly, the start and the finish will find you feeling elated.
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Don Jon: A New Take on the Rom-Com
Don Jon is a breath of fresh air. It plays with conventions, introduces three dimensional characters and is suitably rough around the edges. It has a personality that stems from Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s clear vision and direction.
On the surface Don Jon is about a guy who loves women, porn, cars, alcohol, muscles and his family. What you don’t know is there is a lot of truth hidden behind the sleeveless shirts, Scarlett Johansson’s form-fitting clothes and Brie Larson’s texting. Young people who think they are more mature have false expectations whether they be from porn, movies or television. Romantic comedies serve a purpose but they are about as believable as Rocky Balboa absorbing 1,700 punches to the head in Rocky. To emulate porn or a romantic comedy your relationship is bound to be doomed. The same goes for expecting first time sex to be like it is in porn. Don Jon complains about his conquests because he thinks they should emulate the professionals who get paid to entertain folks via sex. Neither male nor female can live up to those expectations and that lesson is learned later in life. Don Jon is about learning that lesson, growing up and becoming vulnerable.
Don Jon centers around people in relationships that benefit themselves. What I like about DJ and JGL’s other gem 500 Days of Summer is that both of the characters are wrong. The relationships are not black and white and the break ups leave the characters believably wiser than before. The films revolve around characters who have their own agendas. Don Jon doesn’t want to give up his porn which keeps him from connecting with women. Scarlett wants to change men to her liking instead of appreciating them for who they are.
There is a fantastic scene in which Scarlett dry humps (reminded me of Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher except less evil and more subtle) her way into getting Don back to night school and introducing her to his family and friends. JGL loves his “dime piece” and allows himself to molded to her liking while he hides his guilty pleasures from her. Enter Julianne Moore who catches him watching porn in class. The two form an uneasy alliance that pays off in ways I won’t mention.
I did think that Moore was a little too readily available. She doesn’t fall into the trappings of manic pixie woman (Garden State, Elizabethtown) but does feel a bit like a plot device. The pay off is wonderful and her performance is solid but her story feels rushed and the finale isn’t entirely earned. Much like the movies Jon complains about Don Jon glides into a Hollywood ending. However, The script, acting and direction make it more palatable. Another thing that helps is that JGL is learning the directing ropes and will eventually nail the ending. For a first time director he managed to tell a confident story that snuck into the mainstream and may teach people a few things.
The best moments in this film are little moments that define character. Watching Tony Danza hold a beer in one hand and a television remote in the other. Hearing Jon say “I love you wearing that sh**” in regards to Johansson wearing business clothes. I also loved the fake movie posters.
Watch Don Jon. Appreciate the first time directing effort. Enjoy the posters.
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John’s Horror Corner: I Spit on Your Grave 2 (2013), a revenge movie that is NOT for the feint
MY CALL: This is an EXTREMELY graphic, violent and brutal rape-torture-revenge movie. That should be all you need to know to decide if this movie is for you or not. MOVIES LIKE I Spit on Your Grave 2: I Spit on Your Grave (1978 original & 2010 remake), The Last House on the Left (1972 original & 2009 remake), and Martyrs (2008) or Deadgirl (2008) have their own approaches.
So, this is a “sequel” but it has nothing to do with the characters from the 2010 remake. This is simply another extremely unfortunate incident that plagues another young woman.
Meet Katie, a naïve mid-western girl trying to make it in NYC as a model. What could possibly go wrong? And how on Earth can she afford a one bedroom place on her own in NYC that isn’t condemned!?!
Katie (newcomer Jemma Dallender) is trying to make it as a model in NYC but she’s not willing to go as far as her eastern European photographers advise. When she decides to part ways with these shady photographers, one of them isn’t ready to let go and takes an unhealthy interest in her.
Director Steven R. Monroe (I Spit on Your Grave) is by no means new to this type of movie, having helmed the 2010 remake. We meet unsettling people who readily cross lines and soullessly afflict the innocent with suffering under helpless circumstances. You watch and you feel frozen, numb, appalled…you try to imagine the horror but quickly realize you couldn’t possibly. Here, you may be telling yourself “it’s probably not so intense. I’ve seen rape scenes in movies before.” Well, here a young girl is raped in front of a young man who is bleeding to death only feet away from her; the young man being her neighbor with whom she had exchanged playful invited flirtations and he was stabbed when rushing to her screaming aid only to look her in the eyes as she was violated and his blood drained from his cold body. Not your average rape scene.
After the murder-rape, the rapist calls his sociopathic colleagues to help clean up his mess. They drug her and take her far from home (in Bulgaria!!!!!) where she’s kept as a sex slave. Being held captive turns Katie feral, attacks one of her captors when his guard is down and escapes only to be returned to her captors by someone she thought way trying to help her. Eventually, she is left for dead and impossibly survives.
Nudity is a tool in these movies. It’s not arousing–not even a little–nor is it meant to be. It only magnifies Katie’s vulnerability and humiliation. It was effective. What sadly wasn’t effective was the keystone soul-crushing moment of the original and the remake: that moment when the victim escapes only to be horrifyingly reunited with her captors. In this movie it just sort of happens and you find yourself saying “well that sucks for her” and that’s about it. Of course, most everything before and after this moment is still viciously cruel and intense.
When Katie exacts her revenge the fun gets started for torture film enthusiasts. I won’t ruin any of it other than to warn of some outstandingly graphic genital mutilation. But I’ll say a fine job is done with the gore, the sounds of slow cuts, and some other nasty sloppy gastrointestinal grossness. As usual (in all these movies), I question how she’s moving her captors’ bodies when they’re unconscious. After all, she couldn’t weigh over 115 pounds and looks like she’s never done a push-up or sit-up; she’s a delicate little thing. But I don’t let that ruin the Hostel-like fun.
Not so sweet and naïve anymore…
She’s learning how to use tools…
She’s getting handy with a knife…
She’s remembering her knot-tying skills from girl scouts…
And even reflecting on her merit badge for holding her breath in the lake.
The acting is good and the story is more refined than the 1978 and 2010 iterations, and this story really captures the plotting psychological nature of vengeance better than the previous two movies. I think all three of these movies were done VERY well and all were VERY effective. The rape is always difficult to watch and even though it’s a movie I find myself wanting to punish someone for it, but I sooo love wincing and trying not to look away when the victim turns into the dark heroine to exact her revenge.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Five Best Worst Movie Monsters
Hello all. Mark here.
I love bad movies and I love monsters. Thus, I love when bad monsters inhabit bad movies. Bad monsters have unique personalities that help create memorable experiences. They are cheeky, poorly conceived and charming in odd ways. To create a bad monster you have to make an earnest attempt at telling a good story. In a day and age of self aware bad movies (Sharknado) you need to pick out the films that tried to tell a story and failed spectacularly. These monsters need to raise more questions than answers. Their existence makes zero sense and thus leaves the viewer with lingering questions.
For instance. How can a shark’s relative be vengefull? Why do they wear burlap sacks? Are they rocks? The monsters in this list are all charmingly bad. I’ve tried to stray away from the popular baddies that inhabit other monster lists. You won’t see Ro-Man and Stinger here.
1. The Sea Monster from Waterworld.
I don’t know where it came from or why Costner was able to kill it with ease. The monster was meant as a throwaway food gag to show off Costner’s fishing skills. However, I wanted to know more about Kevin’s lunch in 1995 and these questions still haunt me. How come they didn’t show more with the $175 million dollar budget? Did he sit in the water and skin it? Why didn’t other creatures come to eat the carcass? How did all those teeth miss Costner? How did he learn to do that? Are they abundant? Why didn’t they eat the boat? Wouldn’t they attack the jet skis?
While critics were complaining about the budget I was annoyed that I didn’t get enough sea creature.
Costner: Prince of thieves and killer of large sea monsters
2. The Moon Rock Spiders from Apollo 18
Apollo 18 is a wonderfully bad film.
Like every other memorable bad film it raises lots of questions. Why does the guy who gets a rock in his rib start acting all funky? Is he turning evil? Is the poison affecting him weird? Do the moon spiders have a toxin that makes you act like a jerk? If the rock spider is so smart why doesn’t it go further into his guts and kill him? fellow writer John tried to answer the toxin quagmire and ended up threatening an ecology and evolutionary lecture. This movie has a way of flustering people. Hal the super computer from 2001 would short-circuit explaining this movie.
The moon rock spiders kill all communications, slash a hole in the pod insulation, and harass the poor astronauts. The reason is never explained and the closest theory I have is that the rocks where angry about being picked up for research. So, the simplest deduction is they are angry about the rock theft. It is like how you can’t take petrified wood from state parks…except the wood doesn’t become an angry spider.
I don’t understand Apollo 18 and that is why I love it. It is like a never-ending wormhole of questions. Alice’s Rabbit Hole makes more sense than this film. In a day and age when movies have to be cohesive and coherent this movie breaks the trend and commits to confusing.
Give me back my rocks!
3. The Creature of Darkness from Creature of Darkness
Stay still. Let me walk slowly over to you so I can eat you on my voyage.
Creature of Darkness is the story of ATV riding twenty-somethings who battle an alien whilst enshrouded in bog fog. The creature is a burlap sack wearing jerk who throws a spinal cord and doesn’t mind being naked. Apparently, the thing collects food for winter and relies on his prey to stand still while he saunters over to them. The monster is constantly followed by bog fog. The fog is obviously being spewed from machines and I was 100% fine with that. I just wondered why the fog followed him around. Is that a superpower? Not to control bog fog but to have fog follow you around. I wouldn’t want to drive behind the alien’s spaceship.
Do aliens train in spinal cord throwing?
4. The Sharks from Sharks In Venice.
The majority of the sharks are B-roll footage. However, when the terrible CGI creations take flight awesomeness occurs.
Did it eat concrete?
Sharks in Venice is about Stephen Baldwin battling the sharks who killed his dad while he was looking for treasure in Venice. Baldwin sits, uses a jogging double and unleashes this gem of a line “I can’t talk. I’m bleeding.” The sharks get bigger and smaller depending on the scene, and enjoy eating innocent Venetians who have nothing to do with the plot. It is bad movie gold that is told seriously and written amateurishly.
Continue reading chapter four
5. The Shark from Jaws: The Revenge
So, the shark is a relative of the shark who died in Jaws. It remembers the family and wants revenge. What!!!! The shark finds the family, eats the son, swims to the Bahamas and tries to eat the other son. AWESOME! Roger Ebert summed up this movie perfectly:
Please watch the ending to fully appreciate the wonderfully vindictive shark getting speared by a boat.
Do sharks levitate out of the water?
I hope you enjoyed the Five Best Worst Movie Monsters! Comment, tweet, post on FB and let me know who are your favorite bad monsters.
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John’s Horror Corner: Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994), a convincing horror love story
Okay. I know what you’re thinking and “yes” I agree–this IS a lame DVD cover and this did contribute to me not watching this movie until 20 years after its original release. But I’m really glad I finally gave it a chance.
MY CALL: City of Angels (1998) meets The Prophecy (1995) with a dash of Leeloo Dallas and a sprig of Species (1995) in another delightfully surprising release by Full Moon. MOVIES LIKE Dark Angel: The Ascent: I refer to several movies in this review, but none are really anything like this one. While not at all a similar movie, the displacement of Heaven and Hell on Earth remind me of Angel Heart (1987). The story also reminded me a LOT of the short Lover’s Vow from Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990).
Director Linda Hassani and writer/producer Charles Band (the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) bring us a “more” serious release with one of the most coherent and interesting plots Full Moon has ever produced. Heaven and Hell, demons and angels are presented in a very different way in this under-recognized gem.
Both young demonesses, Mary (Cristina Stoica; Lurking Fear) shows Veronica (Angela Featherstone; Soul Survivors, Army of Darkness) an unguarded gateway from the pit of Hell to the world of mortals above. After a disagreement with her infernal professor and then her disapproving demon father, she runs away to “ascend” to Earth like a rebellious misunderstood teenager to find herself naked (without her horns, claws and wings) on the city streets…shortly after which she is hit by a car.
In the hospital ICU she meets Max, a young doctor who is “pure of heart” as Veronica puts it. Then, as would a sultry vampire, she uses her other-worldly charm to compel Max to bring her home with him. Just like Leeloo in The Fifth Element (1997), our red-headed Hell-spawn learns about mankind by watching the news and, like Leeloo, Veronica was VERY disappointed with what she saw.
She decides to serve as vigilante judge, jury and executioner to evil-doers, feeding their entrails to her Hell-spawned dog Hellraiser and even preparing them as “secret recipes” for dinner and serving them to her handsome host Max.
Here’s Veronica shopping for dog food.
Judging by her outfit, here’s Veronica shopping for a man.
And she cooks.
When the story began, Veronica fled Hell rebelling against her parents and teachers by not wanting to punish the eternally damned for their sins. But Veronica learns that evil abounds on Earth and that many do indeed deserve such harsh punishments for their actions. Although she doesn’t acknowledge it, it seems that her parents and teachers really did have her best interest in mind. After all, she’s now doing to sinners in life what her elders wanted her to do to sinners in the afterlife. But that’s just one aspect of the movie…
So, a demon (or “dark angel”) wishes to visit Earth in human skin to share its experiences, find love and punish evil-doers to protect the pure-hearted souls. This story may feel a lot like City of Angels (1998) meets The Prophecy (1995) with a dash of Leeloo Dallas and a sprig of Species (1995; in terms of her appropriately aggressive sexuality and when Henstridge almost robotically emotes to human situations), but this movie actually predates all of them! So what at first felt like a series of rip-offs and borrowed concepts was, well, much more original than I thought…by a lot.
So, this woman tried to hit on her man Max. Yeah…he’s spoken for.
The budget is low (as you should have expected), but stretched as far as possible when it comes to the gore. Veronica frequently unceremoniously rends her victims and reaches inside to remove organs or the occasional spinal cord. Full Moon did a fine job of bringing the fun gore we know them for, but also successfully delivered an interesting story (which they’re definitely NOT known for).
Gore AND a love story…this movie has it all. LOL
If ever you’ve enjoyed a Full Moon release, please make it a point to enjoy this!
Movies, Films & Flix 