MFF Special: National Treasure: The Mystery of the Lemons
In honor of the 13th anniversary of National Treasure, I decided to clear up (with educated guesswork) the infamous lemon mystery. Why is a scene involving lemons infamous? Having lemons in a refrigerator is nothing groundbreaking or worthy of internet snark. It is the way the lemons are presented that has confounded audiences for well over a decade. The issue the nitpickers have revolves around the lemons resting nicely in a big bowl in the middle of Jon Voight’s refrigerator. It is a one-second scene in a two-hour movie that has joined the ranks of world-famous mysteries like Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, and magnets.
Watch the clip below to get a feel for the scene:
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In my quest to be more like Benjamin Gates I’ve watched the scene over and over and did some lemon research to best guess why he had those lemons in a bowl in the middle of his refrigerator.
Between the soda, leftover boxes and lack of other ingredients I’m guessing he doesn’t use these lemons for cooking.
Here is how the scene plays out. Nic Cage and crew steal the Declaration of Independence in Washington D.C. and make their getaway to Philadelphia to hideout in Jon Voight’s house. They realize they need lemons for the declaration and the scene starts to take place.
Here are the clues I’m working with:
- They start their drive from Washington D.C to Philadelphia well after sunset (7:30PM) around 9:00PM.
- Mr. Voight has a sizable bar that looks to be loaded with cognac, gin and Irish whiskey. Also, to the left of the bar there is a decanter filled with a mystery booze.
- If you look to the left of the characters during the clip you will see several glasses filled with iced tea and lemon.
- When Harvey Keitel is at the house later on you will notice there is a half-filled iced-tea pitcher.
- There is a bowl of apples and bananas in the same place where the iced tea glasses are
- There is a massive library inside the house
- Next to the apples and iced tea glasses there are poker chips.
Here are the Benjamin Gates style deductions:
- They arrived in Philadelphia around 12:30AM which means a late night lemon pickup was pretty impractical. Also, the van they were driving in was being searched for so they would want to keep it off the road. This means the lemons had to be in the house.
- Before they say “we need more lemons” they already have a cut up lemon in a tiny bowl. This means that they must’ve found the lemons in the refrigerator, taken them out of the bag and placed them in a bowl in the middle of the refrigerator. Nothing in his refrigerator looks organized, so I highly doubt that Voight would organize them in a bowl.
- After looking at various retailer websites it seems that there are approximately ten lemons in a two pound bag that is commonly sold. Due to the contents of his fridge it seems clear that he would rather grab a bag of lemons then pick them individually. If you look at the picture above you will count nine lemons. The tenth was used for the initial tea and lemon plate.
- Due the contents of the refrigerator and the large pizza box I’m guessing that Voight rarely cooks. Thus, I don’t see him making lemon chicken or anything of the sort. Also, you won’t see him making any lemon cheesecake bars.
- There were no lemons in Harvey’s iced tea. Thus, they were all used or Jon Voight straight up dissed Harvey.
- The inclusion of poker chips means that Voight most likely has a weekly game with several of his friends. The lemons could easily be used with iced tea and various drinks.
Lemon hot take: After several discussions about the lemons I’ve learned there is a small group of people who believe Voight placed the lemons in the bowl himself. The reasoning is he decided to wash all the lemons at once instead of cleaning one at a time. After the cleaning he placed them in the bowl. This would make it easier for him to access. I think these people are delusional.
Why were the lemons in the refrigerator?
- The loaded bar and empty contents of a wine bottle suggest that Jon Voight likes the occasional drink. I didn’t see any mixers in his bar or house so it looks as if he likes his booze neat or on the rocks. Lemon may seem like an odd garnish but it combines nicely with a whiskey hot toddy or gin/vodka tonics.
- During the inspection of the declaration I’m deducing that Voight set them up with a nice pitcher of caffeinated iced tea. It was already late so they needed something cool and refreshing to keep them up. The fact that there are lemons inside the drinks show he is used to entertaining people (Poker) at his house and has no problem using lemons in their drinks/cocktails.
- He has a massive library and since he is eating dinner at 12:00AM I’m assuming he likes to stay up late and read. Since he loves making iced tea, he most likely enjoys brewing tea. Perhaps he likes to make lemon tea (needs half a lemon for squeezing) or cuts up a piece of lemon for his tea. The lemon has a nice detoxification element and helps with immune system building and digestion.
- After researching lemon drinks in Philadelphia I found a treasure trove of articles talking about drinks and lemons. People love their iced tea, lemon shandys, and lemonade. Also, I managed an annual event in Philly and many of my volunteers could be seen with half gallon iced tea jugs from WaWa (they were obsessed). Thus, the dude loved his city and embraced drinks that could benefit from a lemon.
Conclusion: The lemons were already at the house and were most likely used for cocktail garnishes and iced/hot tea flavoring. They were in the middle of the refrigerator because Nic Cage pulled the lemons from the crisper and placed them in the bowl for easier future use. The mystery has been solved (or potentially creates more mysteries….)!
A Quick Pitch: If National Treasure 3 is ever made I think it should be about Nic Cage and crew rescuing a kidnapped Kurt Russell (dude is a national treasure).
If you like my dumb data make sure to check out the other posts that feature more weirdness.
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- How Long Did it Take The Joker to Setup the Weapon Circle in Suicide Squad?
- Michael Myers Hates Blinkers
- Jason Voorhees Can’t Teleport?
- How Far Did the Merman Travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How Far Did Matthew McConaughey Jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface Run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How Far Did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How Did the Geologist Get Lost in Prometheus?
- People Love a Bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How Fast Can the Fisherman Clean a Trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s Expensive to Feature Characters Being Eaten Alive and Surviving Without a Scratch
- How Long Does it Take Your Favorite Horror Movie Characters to Travel From NYC to San Francisco?
- What was the Guy’s Blood Pressure in Dawn of the Dead?
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MY CALL: We’ve left everything you thought you knew about Jason Voorhees and Crystal Lake behind us only to venture into a zany land of bonkers fun and thematic mash-ups that seem to violate any and all canonical axioms of Friday the 13th. Some hate it for this; I love it for this. It’s definitely something different! MORE MOVIES LIKE Jason Goes to Hell: Obviously, Friday the 13th (1980) and Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) for sure. Sadly, I’d only suggest part III (1982) for the sake of story continuity (it didn’t impress me at all, but many seem to highly favor it), but part IV: The Final Chapter (1984), part V: A New Beginning (1985), part VI: Jason Lives (1986) and part VII: The New Blood (1988) were all quite redeeming. Although part VII and part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) get a bit more silly. So I’d suggest fans of this turn to later Freddy sequels like A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) and The Dream Child (1989).
Part 8 SIDEBAR: Tommy Jarvis wrapped up part VI by defeating the lightning-resurrected Jason (Kane Hodder; parts VII-VIII, Hatchet) in the first of his undead movies, which ended leaving Jason drowned (yet again) and chained at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Then in part VII, Tina telekinetically resurrected and subsequently dispatched Jason, sending him back to his watery grave. No surprise, part VIII (in a stroke of originality) also resurrected him with electricity and then drowned him, this time leaving him in a New York City sewer.
In his writing and directorial debut, Adam Marcus (Secret Santa) wastes no time before diving into the entertaining mania that is this ever-developing franchise. Jason (Kane Hodder; parts VII-VIII, Hatchet) seems to grow ever more powerful while ever more decomposed with each sequel. His water-bloated flesh now engulfs the margins of his crusty hockey mask and grossly swells around its straps, and we see straggling long hairs whisping in the moonlight. He’s become pretty awesomely gross…but I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been drowned and waterlogged three times between various forms of electrocution (i.e., parts VI-VIII).
Franchise Timeline SIDEBAR: So when does this movie take place??? Part 1 took place in “present day” (1980), parts II-IV all occur in rapid succession 5 years after the events of part 1 (so 1985), then part V jumped forward 5-6 years (so 1990-1991-ish) and (probably more of a writing flaw than anything) part VI took us questionably another 10-ish years yet further into the future (soooo, 2001…?). Parts VII provides no time statement, but could just as well occur in the same year as part VI. I guess it makes sense that too much time hadn’t past, or the fish and freshwater bacteria would’ve whittled him down to nothing. I’d guess that parts VI-VII took place in the same summer, and that VIII is about 10 months later (into the next year; so 2002???) since our victims are on a high school trip around graduation. But, as you read on, you’ll find this sequel (and part VIII) seem to have little regard for continuity…
Not sure how Jason was resurrected this time or how he got back to New Jersey’s Crystal Lake after being drowned in a New York City sewer. Perhaps he respawns like some World of Warcraft or Call of Duty player… or perhaps a lower Manhattan power grid’s electrical surge awoke a rather homesick Jason. Our opening sequence finds Agent Marcus (Julie Michaels; Doctor Mordrid, Witchboard 2) as a topless coed decoy to lead her SWAT team to capture Jason. And, by “capture,” I mean shoot him about 100 times and then detonate his body leaving his head and still beating heart to be transported to a morgue.
Now this is where things get crazy. After some feisty autopsy narration over some crispy sundered body parts, our coroner (Richard Gant; Godzilla 1998, Hood of Horror) gorily eats Jason’s beating heart in a ravenous fit! And so, Jason has a new body—apparently now having the ability to possess and swap bodies via heart-eating (or another method to be discussed later).
Franchise Admixture SIDEBAR: Like part VIII, this sequel seems quite self-aware of its thematic silliness. And, also like part VIII, we find numerous callbacks to Freddy Krueger and his Elm Street franchise (e.g., Jason’s remains are taken to Ohio). Part VIII had premonitions of young Jason warning our protagonist (or haunting her, as if she was somehow connected to him) much like the nursery rhyme girls and Amanda Krueger did in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), and someone warns that the kids on the cruise to Manhattan were “the last of them” (and that was why the voyage was “cursed” and Jason was coming) much as NOES 4: The Dream Master (1988) was all about Freddy getting the last of the Elm Street kids. Now, Jason Goes to Hell follows in the path of NOES 5: The Dream Child (1989), in that Jason seeks to be reborn through another Voorhees much as Freddy sought to be reborn as Alice’s baby. Breaking the Voorhees-Krueger emulation pattern, Jason switches bodies by way of an evil worm parasite passed mouth-to-mouth like in The Hidden (1987). As if there weren’t yet enough honored movie flavors, we visit the run-down Voorhees house (a la 1428 Elm Street) and find a Necronomicon! Yes, as in the exact book from The Evil Dead (1981; in concept) and Evil Dead II (1987; exact book design)! So apparently Jason is a deadite, and there’s an article to such effect in Bloody Disgusting. Makes sense, right?
I’m a major fan of the gore and effects. Not only was Jason’s body fantastic, but the death scenes were spectacular! The sex scene kill was brief but awesome, there were some abrupt but gruesome arm and jaw breaks, a blood-geysering head crush (a classic Jason maneuver), and the outstanding post-parasite-partem body melt. That body melt was so gooey and slimy, rich with the kind of awesome that reminds me of The Blob (1988) or the transformation scene from Hellraiser (1987)! The effects of the slimy demon parasite itself are pretty cool, too—even if it’s the campiest aspect of the movie. Well, to be fair, the truly silliest thing about the movie was the bounty hunter (Steven Williams; It, Supernatural, The Leftovers) who somehow knew all this “hand-waiving” new mythology about Jason Voorhees, how only a Voorhees can kill a Voorhees, and all this hoo-ha about the magical dagger. Yes, I just said magical dagger! LOL
Yup. That’s exactly the book you think it is…and there’s Voorhees dying by the prophesied hand of a Voorhees.
My past comments (see the “Incontinuity SIDEBAR” in my review of part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan) about movie inconsistency get Hulk-smashed by the nonsense transpiring before my eyes as I watch with a sort of child-like wonderous glee. Ever since part VII: The New Blood (1988), things have grown ever more exponentially bonkers and I couldn’t be happier.
A scene from the alternate ending.
The ending slips all the way into batshitcrazytown when Jason tries to mouth-demon impregnate an infant, Jason’s demon larva crawls up a dead Voorhees woman’s you-know-what, and Jason is pulled (like, by actual elemental demon arms emerging from the ground) down to Hell and Freddy Krueger’s clawed hand grabs his mask. I get that this may sound stupid and a bit off-track for what you thought you knew about this franchise, but trust me in that this was AWESOME FUN!
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John’s Horror Corner: Brain Damage (1988), Frank Henenlotter’s horror-comedy allegory for drug addiction.
MY CALL: I’d call this a higher quality B-movie that actually has something to say. If you’ve ever enjoyed a Henenlotter film, then you should try this. MORE MOVIES LIKE Brain Damage: Obviously, Frankenhooker (1990) and the Basket case trilogy (1982, 1988, 1991). I’d also suggest Dead-Alive (1992).
This review is all sorts of NSFW.
Just FYI… very NSFW
You’ve been warned. NSFW
This film drops us right in the middle of some weirdness. Feeling a bit under the weather, Brian (Rick Hearst; Warlock III) awakens to find a sort of brain monster parasite attached to his spine. And this little brain snake has an anthropomorphous face and a name: Elmer (Aylmer). Elmer injects Brian with some intoxicating blue liquid which brings about a euphoric state. However, in exchange for additional treatments, Elmer demands access to victims so he may feed (on their brains)—clearly an unsubtle social commentary on the desperate behavior behind drug addiction. The dialogue and presentation are quite blatant, often depicted as a man (Brian) having a sober conversation with the very personification of his addiction.
Brian begins to act all sorts of weird. He prefers seclusion, distances himself from his girlfriend, puts locks on the bedroom and bathroom doors, and seems to care about little more than his next dose from Elmer. He doesn’t even remember some of the things his done to earn his next fix.
Writer and director Frank Henenlotter (Frankenhooker, Basket Case 1-3) tends to produce a mix of stylized dark slapstick humor, very gory low budget effects, heavy allegory, and perverse sexualized themes. Being no exception, this film parallels sexual acts in its horror (e.g., the alley scene behind the bar in which Elmer assumes an analogous role to oral sex). But despite the disturbing themes, this is a dark horror comedy complete with a musical number and it does not rely on smut (there’s very limited nudity).
Elmer appears to be a mix of puppeteer work and stop-motion, he’s sufficiently slimy, his face looks kind of cute yet evil, and they have a lot of fun with his ever-widening mouth when administering Brian’s fix. We also see plenty of him, even (in one scene) in the form of cartoon animation! Although the effects are cheap, they’re highly effective in this B-movie. When the scenes merit gore, it’s gooey and chunky and exactly what you were hoping for given the silly movie posters. Some highlights include the brain-eating sex scene, the deliciously gory withdrawal scene (yanking a brain through an ear) and the mouth-to-mouth kiss death scene. When Elmer attacks it’s hilarious—akin to the larvae in The Deadly Spawn (1983).
Voiced by John Zacherle (Frankenhooker), Elmer/Aylmer sounds surprisingly like Jeffery Combs! Elmer gets so much screen time that I’m left to wonder if Henenlotter or someone close to him endured a bout with addiction. This work was clearly important to him, and it presents itself much more significantly than most random B-movies ever could. We watch as Brian goes through every stage of addiction (including self-awareness).
This was surprisingly satisfying. The gore was adequate and silly and fun, the story actually worked and had something to say, and the title monster was quite likable.
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MY CALL: Much more mainstream and kind of silly, this sequel is nothing like any of its camp-slaughtering predecessors except for its growing sense of humor. This is not a “good” movie, but it’s such a fun flick! I love it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Friday the 13th Part VIII: Obviously, Friday the 13th (1980) and Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) for sure. Sadly, I’d only suggest part III (1982) for the sake of story continuity (it didn’t impress me at all, but many seem to highly favor it), but part IV: The Final Chapter (1984), part V: A New Beginning (1985), part VI: Jason Lives (1986) and part VII: The New Blood (1988) were all quite redeeming. After part VII, things started to get a bit more silly. So I’d suggest fans of this turn to later Freddy sequels like A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988).
Wow. Where’s the lake? Where’s the van unloading girls in short-shorts out into the Pine Barrens? From its first moments this film feels so distant from Camp Crystal Lake and the seven prior Jason Voorhees movies. We open to a late-night radio narration, rough city streets and heroine-injecting alleys overlaid by rock music. It’s as if writer/director by Rob Hedden found his greatest muse in the stylings of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) and A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988). Upon hearing this movie’s title as a kid, the first thing that came to mind was The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984). But around this time a lot of horror franchises were absconding their secluded cabins in the woods to try their hand at horror in the big city. It was seldom successful. Carol Anne moved downtown only to be followed in Poltergeist III (1988); evil tribbles hit Los Angeles in Critters 3 (1991); Pinhead went solo in the club scene in Hell on Earth (1992); and Leprechaun 2 (1994) took its diminutive rascal to Las Vegas and then the Hood twice (2000, 2003).
Part 7 SIDEBAR: Wrapping up the Tommy Jarvis story arc, Tommy wrapped up part VI by defeating the lightning-resurrected Jason in the first of his undead movies, which ended leaving Jason drowned (yet again) and chained at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Then in part VII, Tina (Jennifer Banko; Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III) telekinetically resurrected and subsequently dispatched Jason, sending him back to his watery grave where we find him now…
In this most contemporary installment, Jason is once again resurrected when some midnight lovers’ boat anchor severs a submerged electrical line near our favorite masked revenant. I know…very convenient. LOL. Then, somehow the boat drifts from Camp Crystal Lake all the way to maritime waters (by magic or teleportation or something…because it’s a LAKE!) where Jason boards the aptly named Lazarus on its way to take a group of high school graduates to New York City.
Incontinuity SIDEBAR: A lot of things just don’t add up in this franchise. In part V we learned that Jason Voorhees’ body was purportedly cremated (to justify that Jason wasn’t behind all the killings) and then in part VI we learned that the locals of Crystal Lake changed its name to Forest Green to help forget the horrors of Crystal Lake’s past. But neither are acknowledged in the ensuing movies in which Jason’s body is still intact (and clearly not cremated!) and strolling past signs that read Crystal Lake (not Forest Green). And speaking of lakes, that’s what Crystal Lake is! A lake! So how the Hell did a boat in this lake (in the woods) drift into a waterway leading to New York City!?!
Something I love about the last few movies is that Jason (Kane Hodder; part VII: The New Blood, Hatchet, Smothered) keeps decomposing and getting yuckier. After being left for dead underwater and resurrected twice now, his bloated body is covered in a sludgy slimy muck-like mucous. And just wait until you see what’s under that mask! Yup, he gets uglier with every sequel and I adore that.
Franchise Timeline SIDEBAR: So when does this movie take place??? Part 1 took place in “present day” (1980), parts II-IV all occur in rapid succession 5 years after the events of part 1 (so 1985), then part V jumped forward 5-6 years (so 1990-1991-ish) and (probably more of a writing flaw than anything) part VI took us questionably another 10-ish years yet further into the future (soooo, 2001…?). Parts VII-VIII provide no time statement, but could just as well occur in the same year as part VI. I guess it makes sense that too much time hadn’t past or the fish and freshwater bacteria would’ve whittled him down to nothing.
What is it with all the spear guns around Crystal Lake? Is New Jersey known for its quality lake spear-fishing? I guess they make for good death scenes…and so do steaming sauna rocks plunged through teen chest cavities and even electric guitars. And speaking of the rocker’s guitar death, this is the first kill of the franchise that led me to strongly question if Jason simply teleported! Yes, this is a big point of contention among F13 fans and one savvy Movies, Films and Flix writer offers his arguments refuting such teleportation hypotheses (even producing a diagram for the Kelly Hu death scenario) for several kills in Jason Takes Manhattan. I smell controversy!
Director Rob Hedden wore his love for Freddy Krueger on his sleeve—or, to be fair, the NOES sequels’ style more than Freddy himself. Not only does Jason manage to surprise his victims with putatively impossible movement patterns, but our final girl (Rennie) has spectral visions of a young drowning Jason through her cabin’s porthole, pulling her under the water, and strangling her through her bathroom mirror (all before she knew or even suspected any murders were afoot; like premonitions warning her). Additionally, scenes depict injectable drug use (against one’s will) and death by syringe (like the drug addict, punk girl in Dream Warriors), and a talented fighter being defeated by our boogeyman (as with The Dream Master’s martial artist). All are Freddy movie tactics and even the very reflection of a young innocent Jason harkens the nursery rhyming children or Freddy’s nun mother reminding us of our killer’s human origins.
The campiness is in steady league with part VII: The New Blood (1988). We have random nods to Stephen King and The Toxic Avenger (1984) (just because, I guess), what seems to be the unofficial son of the “death curse” guy from early in the franchise, horrible logic by authority figures, Jason breaking every door and window he finds, lots of boobs, and even more poor decisions. The nonsensical climax is also a fan favorite—when the boxer taunts “take your best shot” and Jason punches his head off! It’s also joyously funny seeing Jason shoving his way past regular people in the city streets or the subway—the New Yorkers aren’t even shocked until they see what’s behind the mask.
Revealing his extra-uglified face, Jason is defeated in a dramatic finale matched only by the utter lunacy of the resurrected father in part VII. And like VII, this is overall about as outlandish as the franchise has reached thus far. This may not be a favorite among die hard Crystal Lake fans, but these last two movies strike me as the most blast-tacularly enjoyable despite their silly flaws.
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John’s Horror Corner: Necromancer (1988), just sleazy B-movie trash.
MY CALL: This movie is pure sleazy garbage. MORE MOVIES LIKE Necromancer: This movie is awful (like They Bite), so I dare not compare it to others. However, you might have watched this hoping for a witch movie of sorts (SEE BELOW).
Every now and then I take a shot at some obscure B-movie—some are gems, some are garbage. I should have known better when I read IMDB’s description: “A schoolgirl is raped by three low-lifes, and is then blackmailed by her attackers to keep her quiet. Desperate for revenge, she makes contact with a necromancer who promptly “takes care” of the boys using her magic powers.”
As if that wasn’t bad enough, this “revenge” comes in the form of an evil demon assuming the victim’s form to seduce her assailants! It’s pretty trashy and the rape theme receives way too much dialogue. Making things more than a little uncomfortable, Julie (Elizabeth Kaitan; Friday the 13th part VII: The New Blood, Nightwish) is forced to face her assailants on multiple occasions, a constant reminder of the event. The main antagonist is completely despicable and every time I saw him my stomach churned. Things get somehow yet more awkward with her sleazy professor (whom she once admired and trusted), who also blackmails and extorts Julie. You really just feel dirty watching this.
There aren’t really any redeeming qualities to be found here—not even on a bad movie basis. The acting is obviously terrible, the sets are embarrassing (e.g., the necromancer’s occult den is a curtained garage), and the special effects are totally weak (e.g., glowing eyes). I giggled unappreciatively at the messy monster claws of Julie’s doppelganger demon of vengeance (basically a succubus). Subsequent effects found no improvement and our witch’s magic is limited to vanishing, floating objects, and assuming the form of a completely naked Julie. I really never expected to find a film that made me miss the “quality” of Nightwish (1990).
Julie’s revenge feels spoiled for the audience as she has nightmares of her assailants’ actual fates and then runs to go check on them. Why the Hell would she worry about them or their well-being? The writing is way off base!
Honestly, I recommend this to no one. Even if you like sleazy movies, this one will make you feel dirty. And if you love deplorably bad B-movies, this one’s tone is just too far off and the effects are as cheap as the writing. If you expected some sort of witch movie and feel you need to wash your mind of this filth, I’d refer you to any of the suggestions below. Yeesh, I need to go watch something to feel better.
WITCH MOVIES: Some excellent witch movies that actually feel like witch movies include Warlock (1989), The Witch (2016; podcast discussion) and The Witches of Eastwick (1987). Beautiful Creatures (2013) and The Woods (2006) may appeal to young adult audiences. But I would sooner direct you to Hocus Pocus (1993), The Witches (1990) and The Craft (1996). I’m leaving Harry Potter out of this discussion, by the way. Fantasy sorcery (Willow, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice) and wizardry (The Lord of the Rings) is to be considered its own thing entirely. The campy The Kiss (1988), Spellbinder (1988), Necropolis (1987), Warlock 2: Armageddon (1993) and Cherry Tree (2015) are entertaining but bad. And speaking of campy, Superstition (1982) and The Haunting of Morella (1990) are allegedly witch movies but don’t feel like it. But even if you want a bad movie, definitely skip Witchcraft (1989) and all sequels. And some odd Voodoo movies include to Netherworld (1991) and Headhunter (1988). The dark noir Lord of Illusions (1995) is intriguingly edgy and, while more a “magic movie” than a “witch movie,” it hits a lot of the same dark arcane notes. And, of course, The Blair Witch Project (1999) and Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) were awesomely stylized in their own unique ways despite never actually showing us a witch—unlike Blair Witch (2016). Check out Pumpkinhead (1988) for a great depiction of a witch, though it’s not a “witch movie.” Meanwhile Deadtime Stories (1986) and The Theater Bizarre (2011) features a pretty cool witch short story, and The Pit and the Pendulum (1991) addresses witch trials. Witches can come in so many flavors, can’t they? Lords of Salem (2013) and Mother of Tears (2007) deal with witches’ spirits in the form of dark ritual and possession. Quite the opposite, Snow White and the Huntsman (2012), The Last Witch Hunter (2015; podcast discussion) and Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) offer action and effects-driven popcorn fun—Season of the Witch (2011) attempted this, but failed miserably. But the witch from The Brothers Grimm (2005) was pretty cool.
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Brawl in Cell Block 99: S. Craig Zahler is the Best
Brawl in Cell Block 99 is f**king awesome. Sorry for the swearing but I loved every second of the insane fist fights and carnage. It is a well-written splatterfest that features a believable badass performance from Vince Vaughn. The choreographed fight scenes play out beautifully and they reminded me a lot of this years Atomic Blonde featuring Charlize Theron hurting people.
Brawl in Cell Block 99 tells the story of a hulking drug courier named Bradley Thomas (Vince Vaughn) going to jail for a delivery gone wrong. During the drop the police arrive and his two untrustworthy cohorts engage in a gunfight with the arriving police. Bradley doesn’t want any cops to die so he kills one of the men and knocks out another. His act of bravery lands him in a minimum security prison for seven years and luckily not a terrible prison in Austria (inside movie joke). The cartel he betrayed aren’t happy so they kidnap his pregnant wife Lauren (Jennifer Carpenter) and tell him he needs to get himself into a maximum security prison to kill a guy. From there things get very violent…
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What I love most about the film is how you feel every punch and arm snap. Director S. Craig Zahler (Bone Tomahawk) has once again created a violent world filled with great dialogue and characters. The movie unfolds logically and I love how you buy into Vaughn being an unstoppable force of nature. You like his character a lot and understand that he dug his own grave when he decided to get back into the drug trade. Bradley never makes excuses and everything he does throughout the film is to protect his wife and unborn child.
If you are into grueling fights and neat dialogue I totally recommend you watch Brawl in Cell Block 99.
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11 Films to Watch Before You Put Together Your 2017 “Best of” List
The end of 2017 is nigh and you are probably spending all your waking hours thinking of a top 10 list to show the world. In an effort to assist you with your list, I’ve compiled another list that is loaded with some pretty great films. I’ve left out the big hitters (Wonder Woman, Logan, Get Out, Dunkirk, Lady Bird, Blade Runner 2049, Baby Driver, It, The Big Sick) because you’ve probably watched them. The following films might’ve slipped under your radar and I think they are all worthy of end of year inclusion. Some are pretentious and others are insane but they all offer something unique and cool to the world.
Free Fire is a must watch for people who love movies about people shooting at each other in a warehouse.
Let me know what you think in the comments!
Brawl in Cell Block 99
Whoa. Brawl in Cell Block 99 is absolutely insane and I loved every second of it. Director/writer S. Craig Zahler (Bone Tomahawk) has found a way of making violence feel nasty, brutal and real. You will flinch, cover your eyes and be shocked at the things that Vince Vaughn does to people in this film. If you are in the mood for some old school violence and creative writing you will love Brawl in Cell Block 99.
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Good Time
Robert Pattinson owns every seconds of this grimy crime thriller and I could see him getting an Academy Award nomination for his all-in performance. Good Time might be the most unpredictable film of 2017 and that is why I loved it (and others will dislike it). I had no clue where it was going or where it would end up. If you are looking for a fantastically bleak ride watch Good Time.
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Okja
If you are into insane rides that feature super pigs, Tilda Swinton and an over-the- top Jake Gyllenhaal performance you will love Okja. If I tried to explain this film to you I wouldn’t come close to doing it justice. Just know that it isn’t subtle and shifts tones so suddenly you will lose all track of genre.
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A Ghost Story
What I love about this film is how it ditches convention and embraces the weird. It could be described as the “Casey Affleck wears a bedsheet” movie but there are so many layers to it. It draws you in and leaves you feeling really emotional and almost missing the bed sheet. It is a very simple film that must’ve been difficult to make due to the random subject matter.
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Wind River
Director/writer Taylor Sheridan (Sicario, Hell or High Water) has done it again. Wind River is a neat character driven mystery that builds to something great. You can tell that Jeremy Renner loves not being in a Marvel film and his performance is one of 2017’s best. Wind River is bleaker than bleak but it tells a story worth telling and you should check it out.
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I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore
Director/writer/actor Macon Blair (Blue Ruin. Green Room) has created a very weird movie that I love. The cinematic world he has created is cynically hilarious and the people who inhabit it are capable of some crazy things. If you are looking for a movie that features ninja stars, death, robbery and more death you will enjoy this film.
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Personal Shopper
Personal Shopper is a neat little thriller that plays like a ghost story inside an arthouse film surrounded by mystery. I appreciated how director Olivier Assayas imbues the film with a relaxed tone that builds suspense while taking its time. Much like recent “horror” films like Spring, The Witch, It Comes at Night, The Invitation and The Gift it plays with mystery/horror tropes and combines them with sensitive themes of loss. Personal Shopper will alienate many but I loved its tone and patience.
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The Lost City of Z
Aside from Baby Driver, The Lost City of Z is my favorite film of 2017. Director James Gray has created a beautiful movie that is reflective, patient and ambitious. If you are looking for sweeping vistas, great performances and unchecked ambition you will really enjoy this film.
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Free Fire
Free Fire is a blast of old school mayhem that features lot of gore, death and profanity. Director Ben Wheatley (Sightseers, Kill List, A Field in England, High-Rise) is one of my favorite directors and I love how all of his films have been insanely different. The guy keeps expanding his filmography and you never know where his films will go. The dude has guts and has proven he can balance cults, violent travelers, tall mayhem and people yelling at each other in fields. If you are into genre film making that doesn’t pull punches you should check out Wheatley’s films.
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Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is an absolute passion project that cost $225 million and probably should have been reigned in a bit. They say you should never go grocery shopping when you are hungry because you will end up buying a lot more than you need. Think of this movie as a very hungry director being given lots of money and allowed to use every cinematic trick he wants. Luc Besson was allowed to run wild and because of that, we get inter-dimensional gun battles, loads of CGI and Cara Delevingne sticking her head into a jellyfish’s butt so she can track her partner’s whereabouts.
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War on Everyone
War on Everyone is a mean little thing that creates a world full of terrible people, horrible deaths and vulgar dialogue. Initially, it keeps you at a distance with its adherence to profanity but as it moves along you begin to the sync with the nastiness and it becomes a lot of fun. Director/writer John Michael McDonagh (The Guard, Calvary) is one of my favorite directors I love how his comedies are pitch black but feature heart amidst the nihilism. The Guard, Calvary and War on Everyone are 100% unsafe and McDonagh has proven himself to be a writer who hunts out controversy and makes it palatable.
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The Book of Henry: What Just Happened?
The Book of Henry is a weird little thing that eschews boundaries and bounces all over the place. I’ve never witnessed a more earnest film that feels completely fake. I don’t think it deserves the universal hate that has been put upon it because it tries really hard to do something different (but not good). At the end of the day I don’t see how anyone would’ve pursued this thing as a feature film and I think director Colin Trevorrow shot himself in the foot when he decided to direct this thing because it possibly cost him the Star Wars VIIII job.
Writer Gregg Hurwitz came up with the screenplay 19-years-ago and it’s clear it was his first script because it is loaded with contrivances and dialogue that is way too cute. This is the kind of script that was created by someone who didn’t know any better and I kinda love that. They never thought about who exactly the audience would be and who would watch a movie about a mom trying to kill their abusive next door neighbor via a sniper rifle.
The story revolves around a genius kid, a drunk mom and death. Basically (SPOILERS!!!!!!), a genius kid discovers that his next door neighbor is being abused by her stepfather. However, before he can do anything about it he dies of a massive brain tumor. Before he died he put together an intricate book on how to kill the abuser next door (because he knew he was dying). His mother gets a hold of the book and she actually goes along with the murder plot. I won’t spoil the ending but know that it ends in a very saccharine way that betrays what just happened.
The Book of Henry is really bad because the people who created it thought they were making something great. That is why I kinda love it. Movies like this are no accident because there has to be a certain amount of ego involved in their creation. Trevorrow was genuinely shocked when the negative reviews were unleashed and I don’t think he knew what he was making. Well, the world now knows what this movie is about and I hope it becomes a weird cult classic.
Watch The Book of Henry. Embrace the insanity and dislike how fake it is.
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John’s Horror Corner: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), where psychotherapy meets telekinesis and Kane Hodder’s zombie Jason.
MY CALL: Not classically campy, per se, but this was one of the conceptually zanier installments of the franchise. Still buckets of fun and great effects, and still recommended. MORE MOVIES LIKE Friday the 13th Part VII: Obviously, Friday the 13th (1980) and Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) for sure. Sadly, I’d only suggest part III (1982) for the sake of story continuity (it didn’t impress me at all, but many seem to highly favor it), but part IV: The Final Chapter (1984), part V: A New Beginning (1985) and part VI: Jason Lives (1986) were all quite redeeming. For more classic ‘early modern’ slashers one should venture A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Sleepaway Camp (1983), The Burning (1981) and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974).
Part 6 SIDEBAR: Yup, Jason keeps getting “almost, sort of, nearly killed” and then keeps coming back alive and well like Wolverine. Part IV ended after 12-year old Tommy (Corey Feldman; Friday the 13th Parts IV-V, The Lost Boys, Gremlins) killing Jason and, likewise, part V ended with Tommy (now 17 or 18) (John Shepherd; Bless the Child) killing the Jason Voorhees copycat. And then, in part V (and since the end of part IV), Jason Voorhees was, in fact, actually dead… only to be resurrected by a lightning strike in part VI, which ended with a yet older Tommy leaving Jason drowned (yet again) and chained at the bottom of Crystal Lake.
Franchise Timeline SIDEBAR: Part 1 took place in “present day” (1980), part 2 was 5 years later (so 1985), part III continued “the next day” (also 1985), and part IV took place in 1985 immediately after the events of part III starting with Jason in the hospital morgue (a la Halloween II). Bucking the trend, part V jumped forward 5-6 years (so 1990-1991-ish) and then (probably more of a writing flaw than anything) part VI takes us questionably another 10-ish years yet further into the future (soooo, 2001…?). Part VII provides no time statement, but could just as well occur in the same year as part VI.
Following the Tommy Jarvis story arc (parts IV-VI), director John Carl Buechler (Troll, Cellar Dweller, Ghoulies go to College) provides a recap of past franchise installments and introduces us to a young girl with psychic powers. In a flashback, young Tina (Jennifer Banko; Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Barb Wire) unintentionally kills her father in a telekinetic fit of anger. After years of hospitalized therapy, Tina (Lar Park-Lincoln; House II) and her psychotherapist Doctor Crews (Terry Kiser; Weekend at Bernie’s I-II) return to the scene of her trauma (their house on Crystal Lake) in hopes of concluding her treatment; it seems that her psychokinetic abilities resulted from her suppressed guilt—a movie psychology claim about as “out there” as the psychoplasmics notion in The Brood (1979)!
Not a day by the lake and Tina’s emotions get the better of her, and she inadvertently resurrects Jason (Kane Hodder; Hatchet, Smothered, Chillerama) with a telekinetic outburst. With his return considered a mentally ill girl’s fever dream, our water-logged zombie Jason looks cooler than ever with his spine and ribs exposed and a chain necktie. They did a great job with the effects of his decaying body, the reveal of what his undead face now looks like under the mask, and Kane Hodder added flavorful posture to our killer.
Incontinuity SIDEBAR: So, in part VI we learned that the locals of Crystal Lake changed its name to Forest Green to help forget the horrors of Crystal Lake’s past. But that is not acknowledged and the signs all say Crystal Lake.
Among Jason’s victims you may recognize the following actors: Heidi Kozak (Society, Slumber Party Massacre II), Kevin Spirtas (The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Subspecies II-III), Elizabeth Kaitan (Silent Night Deadly Night 2, Necromancer, Nightwish), and William Butler (Ghoulies II, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Buried Alive, Night of the Living Dead, Gingerdead Man III, Terror Toons 4).
Jason may be up to his typical shenanigans, but (like part VI) this sequel isn’t terribly campy. He crushes heads, punches through torsos, bursts through windows and walls, and leaps out of water like the good old days while his female victims continue to take every opportunity to take off their tops (including a rather raunchy skinny-dipping scene). But despite all the boobage, the kills maintain a more semi-serious approach (lacking the sillier eyeball-popping antics of part III). A favorite death scene of mine, this is the first time Jason employs the sleeping bag slam kill.
Well, hold on. Remember when I said this wasn’t terribly campy? I should have said not “intentionally” campy. As if no one saw it coming, the movie ends with a long and rather action-packed finale pitting Tina’s psychic powers against our unstoppable Crystal Lake revenant. The effects don’t hold up so well as she pummels Jason with couches, light fixtures, the porch roof and flower pots… but it’s still pretty fun to watch! LOL. It’s especially pleasing seeing Jason’s face!
Tina finds victory in the strangest of possible ways, returning Jason to his watery tomb and being hauled away in an ambulance with no recovery of Jason’s body. Typical, I suppose, in preserving the ease of the next sequel. I’m not complaining. With a bonkers ending like this, I found it hard to take this sequel seriously. However, it was a really fun ride!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Brood (1979), Cronenberg’s approach to metaphysics, evil children and modern psychology.
I must extend my thanks to Dave Koenig (@AFiendonFilm on Twitter) for including this review in his David Cronenberg Tribute magazine “House of Skin.”
MY CALL: With all the best effects and most disturbing imagery limited to the final scene, this film remains powerful by virtue of its uneasy atmosphere, which persists throughout. I expected more in the gore department, but was impressed nonetheless. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Brood: I’m reminded of Altered States (1980), Possession (1981) and The Manitou (1978).
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DISCLAIMER: This review has SPOILERS (mostly in the form of images) and the images presented are very NSFW.
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Canadian director and writer David Cronenberg (The Fly, Rabid, Videodrome) makes some serious statements about modern psychology and metaphysics in this 70s horror oddity. One-on-one sessions between Doctor Hal Raglan (Oliver Reed; Venom, The Pit and the Pendulum) and patient Nola (Samantha Eggar; The Astronaut’s Wife, Demonoid, The Uncanny) strike me as intense to the point of perpetual creepiness. Raglan roleplays Nola’s mother and daughter (among others), spelunking his way through Nola’s fears, secrets and trauma. We learn that these sessions are quite frequent as Nola is undergoing therapy at Raglan’s private facility.
After a weekly visit with their daughter Candice (Cindy Hinds; The Dead Zone), Nola’s husband Frank (Art Hindle; Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Void, Black Christmas) becomes alarmed after discovering scratches and bruises on their five-year old. Raglan defends Nola, who is not permitted visitation with her husband as she is at a “critical stage in her therapy,” and Frank becomes ever more suspicious. Things escalate when Nola’s mother (Nuala Fitzgerald; He Never Died), father, and Candy’s teacher all turn up brutally murdered by diminutive killers.
Early encounters with “the brood” are akin to evil dwarf attacks. We witness destructive mischief and malformed creatures reaching for weapons, but we don’t see the twisted little assailants. The first encounter with these monstrous little humanoids is neither scary nor gory, and is only brutal in concept (but not so in execution). Subsequent scenes unveil more blood along with our killers’ deformed faces. It seems that through an unexplained treatment protocol of psychoplasmics and her resulting physiological changes, Nola has physically manifested her rage in the form of her brood.
Following Shivers (1975) and Rabid (1977), The Brood will not hold a candle to the gore or visceral brutality of Scanners (1981), Videodrome (1983) or The Fly (1986)—three films which remain today much more visually pleasing than Cronenberg’s earlier work. No, this film’s imagery doesn’t pack a punch anymore when viewed today. What it does have is atmosphere. The film’s focus on Nola’s therapy is off-putting yet intriguing, and it makes the final reveal all the more powerful (and still impactful, contrary to the film’s death scenes).
Many times, I couldn’t tell if I was being clued in or misled by the direction of Raglan’s roleplaying—but these scenes always held my attention and invested me in Frank’s effort to protect his daughter from a mentally unstable mother. Moreover, we find ourselves constantly questioning if Raglan is a villain or ally or ignorant bystander to the true forces at work.
With all the best effects and most disturbing imagery limited to the final scene, this film remains powerful by virtue of its uneasy atmosphere, which persists throughout. I expected more in the gore department, but was impressed nonetheless.
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