MY CALL: For its limited budget, this splendidly acted noir-ish coming-of-age metaphor could be perfect. Just remember that this movie targets a teen audience. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Much as this is a metaphor for puberty, An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) serves as a coming of manhood from college man-childhood. But it’s more of a positive journey. If you’re in the market for another great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made! Second best might be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously. Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks. If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987). But skip Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988), Howling V: The Rebirth (1989), Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) and The Howling: Reborn (2011).
High schoolers Ginger (Katharine Isabelle; Freddy vs Jason, Being Human, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days) and her painfully reclusive sister Brigitte (Emily Perkins) are asexual, suicidal, artistically fixated on death, and share a powerful bond: “out by sixteen or dead in this scene but together forever.” Dark.
Ironically referring to menstruation as “the curse,” Ginger is attacked by a very strange looking wolf moments after realizing she is having her first period (and extremely late at 16). For its humble budget, this movie makes every effort to be gory and graphic; and whereas the effects may verge on amateur, their impact does not. During Ginger’s attack, the effects team and director clearly worked hard to “show us” as much as they could–bold, but impressive considering what they had to work with.
Ginger’s slow transformation strikes with the onset of puberty and the girls at first mistake her fast healing and physical discomfort for it. This is a smart contortion of lycanthropic folklore and developmental human physiology, as both come with increased sex drive, physical discomfort (e.g., cramps) and aggression. The transformation, be it puberty or lycanthropy, tears their relationship apart as Ginger becomes a more expressive sexual entity and Brigitte remains awkwardly asexual. The beauty of this werewolf movie is that, like puberty, Ginger’s transformation is a long, gradual, painful change punctuated by uncomfortable surprises.
Despite their distancing, Brigitte retains her loyalty and helps to hide Ginger’s growing tail and keeps secrets about her violent exploits fueled by urges and a mix of carelessness and sociopathy. But as Ginger does her best to embrace and adapt to her new traits, Brigitte becomes obsessed with “solving the problem.” Brigitte was never a leader nor had to be in the presence of her strong-willed sister. But now she must find strength in herself in an effort that faces threats of futility as Ginger, gaining strength but supplementing with denial, sinks deeper into her own bestiality–blind to consequence.
Like Ginger, Brigitte transitions into something stronger–providing her own coming-of-age in the form of self-realization, the inverse of Ginger’s physiological change. As she protects her sister from herself, Brigitte succinctly delivers doses of subtle sarcasm that keep us unprepared for the tour-de-force ending as the well-done hokey teen horror of the first 30 minutes slowly degenerates, forgotten in the wake of the dire, tragic pitch to come.
Ginger’s final transformation scene and wolf form are unimpressive (but the effort is certainly there). The Howling (1981) and An American Werewolf in London (1981) had longer, better, more painful looking changes that effected pain and discomfort in viewers. While a brief and forgivable offense, the transformation was the worst part of the movie.
Out of place happy endings in horror are for those who have lost touch with reality. Our leads do a FANTASTIC job capturing the sarcastic, depressed, colliding teen personalities of Ginger and Brigitte. In the beginning these girls swore to each other “out by sixteen or dead in this scene but together forever.” They never even gave themselves a chance.
Give this film a chance. It won’t disappoint you.
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Rust and Bone
Bare knuckle boxing, killer whales and the greatest incorporation of Katy Perry’s song “Firework” in a palpable independent film. Rust and Bone is a somewhat love story that features familiar themes told in an unpredictable manner.
Marion Cotillard and Matthias Schoenaerts provide a wonderful one-two punch as two very different people meeting at an odd time. Cotillard recently lost her legs due to an accident while training killer whales. Matthias has a shady past and has recently transplanted to Antibes where he works as a bouncer/security guard/bare knuckle boxer. They are wrong for each other but both have aspects that they both need. Cotillard loves the brutish quality and no nonsense demeanor while he likes her glamour and presence. He is similar with the killer whales she works with because of his unpredictability and threat of immediate violence. There is a scene in the film where Matthias drives a drunk Cotilard home from a bar where she is involved in an altercation. He goes upstairs to get some ice for his hand and meets her boyfriend. He is a little fella whom prefers wine to bare knuckle boxing and is instantly humiliated and emasculated by the large foreign fella in his home. The little guy asks the bouncer to leave and instead he leaves his phone number with his girlfriend. Soon after Cottillard is injured she calls him because he won’t pity her and has the brutish strength to protect her.
What follows are quiet moments, fist fights and a visceral experience. Director Jacques Audiard (A Prophet) has become incredibly adept at creating palpable cinema. A.O. Scott of the NYT summed it up when he wrote
“Mr. Audiard, who sometimes seems impatient with the limitations of film as a visual medium. He wants you to smell the sweat and feel the fleshy impact of every moment, to climb inside the suffering, yearning skins of Ali and Stephanie and feel the things that they do, whether they are swimming, fighting or having sex.”
The movie has a raw feel that makes you feel each punch, drop of sweat and tear. Cotillard is always great and Schoenaert is a reliable tough guy who is occasionally nice and believable in his violent bursts. He keeps a calm demeanor as he beats people up and you can sense the rush that he and Cotillard get when people are punched in the face. The fights in the film are quick, violent and ultimately believable. They seem like something you would see in backyards all around the world. Schoenaert doesn’t look like the toughest fighter but he incorporates a well balanced and believable mixture of thai clinches, knees and straight punches. His fights are not stylishly fantastic like the fights featured in Snatch, Fighting or anything involving JCVD in an underground tournament of doom.
Rust and Bone is cinema at it’s finest. It isn’t content to tell a stock story or pander to melodrama. It balances big themes in small ways. You can taste the salt of the ocean when Cotillard is swimming and the punches seem real. The film draws you in instead of pushing you away. Some films create a cool distance to the storytelling. However, Rust and Bone invites you in and keeps you there.
Watch Rust and Bone. Don’t become a bare knuckle boxer. Appreciate a unique take on familiar themes.
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Explaining Hysteria and The Sessions to people would be an interesting prospect. One is about the invention of the vibrator and the other is about a paralyzed polio survivor forced to live most of his life in an iron lung looking to have sex before it is too late. Both films are optimistic and feature charming characters who get into some interesting things (pardon the pun).
The two films differ completely and were on opposite ends of the Rotten Tomato spectrums. Hysteria received a 58% rating and The Sessions lived up to it’s “festival film of the year” moniker by gathering a 94% rating. Hysteria tells a more familiar tale about something never talked about while The Sessions is based on the autobiographical writings of journalist and poet Mark O’Brien (who has a wonderful collection of shirts).
Hysteria is a period piece about a bunch of well mannered people who also happen to cure “hysteria” via their hands. Of course there is no such thing as “hysteria” and the women simply needed a break from unloving husbands or thankless lives. Medicine was at a crossroads in the 1880s and Hysteria capitalizes on that. New doctors were pushing logical things like sanitation and cleanliness. The older doctors believed in leeching and old world medicines that lead to infection and funky stuff. This all leads to a kind new wave doctor who gets a job curing hysteria at a well known physicians medical practice The work goes well and he becomes engaged to Felicity Jones. However, massive hand cramps get him fired and with the help of Rupert Everett he invents the world’s first vibrator. The plot never goes beyond kiddie pool deep yet it has a likable charm and the ensemble all seem to enjoy working together.
The movie has a cheeky feel, and live wire performances from Maggie Gyllenhaal and Rupert Everett that carry it through the interesting and odd choice of subject matter. There is a conundrum to this film though. Do you recommend it to your mom? Who would watch this film? Who did they intend for the audience to be? What were the actors thinking when a woman starts singing opera whilst testing out the vibrator?
Regardless of all the questions Hysteria is a fun little film that says nothing about the human condition but manages to charm whilst telling a cheeky story.
The next up is the superbly acted film The Sessions. It took the 2012 Sundance film festival by storm winning the Audience and Best Ensemble awards. Helen Hunt also received a best actress Oscar nomination for her work as a kindly sex surrogate. The Sessions is likable, kind and smart. The motives are pure and John Hawkes is wonderful as Mark O’Brien. The entire cast is fantastic. Helen Hunt is graceful, tough and brave (watch the film) as Hawke’s sex surrogate.
William H. Macy is funny and charming at O’Brien’s priest who navigates him through the ordeal. I loved their scenes together as O’Brien takes his religion seriously and the priest understands what he is going through. Their confession scenes are highlights of the picture.
The biggest surprise is seeing Moon Bloodgood sneak away from Street Fighter’s Nash and finally being able to act in something other than Pathfinder and Terminator Salvation. I dug how she stayed by her bosses side and helped in a nonjudgmental manner while still realizing the peculiarity of the situation.
The Sessions was written with care and gives us an acting showcase and mature story telling. It takes us to an interesting world and gives us a disabled figure who is rolling with life the best he can. There were some complaints about John Hawkes playing the disabled character because he never suffered from polio or disability. However, after many casting sessions the director realized he needed a committed actor to pull off the part. Hawkes would find himself in excruciating pain as he curved his body but realized it was nothing compared to what other people have to go through.
The Sessions is a nice film. Watch it, enjoy the niceness and appreciate the shirts.
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John’s Horror Corner: Evil Dead (2013), one of the best and cleverly remade remakes of the last 10 years!
MY CALL: Practical effects, intensity and creatively re-architected scenes make this one of the best remakes of the last 10 years. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Like a lot of gore? Here’s a stylistic mix for you. The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Final Destination 5 (2011), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Drag Me to Hell (2009), and of course Evil Dead 2 (1987) and The Evil Dead (1981).
So, first off, Evil Dead 2 was really just a reimagining-remake of Evil Dead. So, too, is this movie. How is this movie different and why should you care about it? Well, it takes all of the elements, scenes, desperate tone and sets of Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2 and then distorts them just enough that even though we recognize each of them, we never really know when or how they’re coming.
Bruce Campbell as Ash in Evil Dead 2
The Evil Dead playbook includes elements like reading from the wrong damned book, running through wall crawlspaces, erratic POV chases in the woods, tree rape (for lack of a better word), entrapment in the woods, untrustworthy mirror images, laughing deer heads, slamming doors, chainsaws, severing of “infected” hands, the famous bite on the hand from an infected significant other, burying your significant other, the rise from the dead of your significant other, the possessed pretending to be human to appear vulnerable, singing in the cellar…oh, and about 110 gallons of liquid gore! Might I add, it’s all real gore, not some CGI spray coming from CGI demons.
When you find a book wrapped in plastic and barbed wire, maybe you should leave it alone.
But if you must open it and take a peek and you see this, maybe think about how much you like your soul and take a step back.
And when the book says “don’t say it” then DON’T F@(#ING SAY IT!!!!
Otherwise you get this…
…and a whole lotta’ that!
So I told you it had all the same elements AND I just listed them. So did I ruin anything for you? Believe it or not, NO. While all of these elements are present, they have been chopped up, modified, meshed with other elements, spread across the entire cast or lumped into one. For example, there is no character that fills the role of Ash. Not really. But you’ll see “Ash” moments played out by different characters as well as “Ash” lines and other Ash-isms. What’s great about this is that you don’t know who, if anyone, is going to survive this movie. What a nice touch. It all feels so familiar to Evil Dead fans yet, despite this familiarity, you never know what’s in store except for a few iconic scenes.
The lighting, set design and cinematography were perfect. The mood went from “something doesn’t feel quite right” to straight up chilling and surreal. Obscure camera angles brilliantly contributed by making tense moments much less comfortable even for unshakable horror fans.
Likewise, the characters were great. I had doubts at first. When we meet them it feels like any well-produced horror movie. David (Shiloh Fernandez; Red Riding Hood, Deadgirl), Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci; Carriers), Olivia (Jessica Lucas; Cloverfield, The Covenant) and David’s girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore) all go out to a cabin in the woods to help David’s sister Mia (Suburgatory‘s Jane Levy showing us that more than just a sweetie) kick her drug addiction which has nearly killed her. Natalie seems naïve, David has never been there for his family before, Olivia is a take charge nurse helming this mission and Eric is pleasantly reminiscent of what they’re remaking as a 70s-80s curious yet skiddish kind of guy who “thinks” he knows what he’s in for. Mia is likable, but you can see she has the will and flightiness to be problematic even without evil demons’ involvement.
As this intervention-rehab sets sail, one of them reads a few words from a skin-bound tome in the carrion-littered basement (a bit of a red flag already, I think) and some odd things start happening. But no matter how odd, out of character, escalating to psychotic and murderous the events, to some they fall under the veil of Mia having a breakdown. The actors all do a fine job.
Jane Levy did a great job. She also plays the smiley teen in Suburgatory.
The big question on everyone’s mind seems to be “was this remake worthy of Evil Dead [and Evil Dead 2]?” I think that whether or not people like this movie, the answer will be a mixed bag. My personal opinion is YES IT IS. Granted, there is none of the slapstick comedy of Evil Dead 2 or uber-over-the-top maniacal demon taunts of Evil Dead. The only laughs you’ll get are familiar lines that were funny in the originals thoughtfully woven throughout the dialogue in such understated ways that unless you’re a diehard fan you’ll probably miss them altogether. However, we get every bit of the gastrointestinal gross-out gore and then some!!! On top of that we get some truly brutal and sadistic scenes that will make you cover your mouth, cover your eyes, hold your breath or spit swears of disbelief at the screen.
This hurt.
That hurt.
It’s hard to believe that Sam Raimi was only a producer and that this was Fede Alvarez’ first feature length picture. I’m hoping they work together again soon!
So please, give this a chance. Don’t skip it because the last ten horror remakes, reboots or re-imaginings disappointed you. This is clearly a remake, but the scenes you’ll see never feel like you’ve seen them before.
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MY CALL: Too silly and too stupid to recommend to anyone who isn’t too high. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Enjoy more miniature menaces with Puppet Master (1989) and sequels, Critters (1986), Ghoulies (1985) and Ghoulies II (1988). SEQUEL SIDEBAR: Other than the ghoulies themselves, I find no connection between this story and Ghoulies or Ghoulies II, which also found no connection.
During a 1972 flashback, it is revealed that the ghoulies were initially summoned by a Ghoulish Tales comic book which looked like the old Vault of Horrors comics by design. The silly music and three stooges antics of the ghoulies makes quite clear that the tone is far less serious than parts 1 and somehow even less than 2. The franchise has really transitioned into more of a comedy horror. Not twisted, off-putting slapstick like in the Evil Dead series (excluding the 2013 remake), but true comedy. Also, this is the first of the franchise to be rated R. So expect some completely purposeless nudity–LOTS and LOTS of nudity for no reason at all. There’s one scene in this movie that basically looks like a pillow fight in a strip club.
We see a lot of Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton in this movie. A lot.
Oooooooh… Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton.
Moving to the present, some delinquent stoner finds a Ghoulish Tales comic and unknowingly accidentally starts to summon the ghoulies through a university toilet. This university setting farcically depicts college students more as stoner 8th graders who throw paper airplanes for sport, make out in the middle of class and behave as if they have never been disciplined–like ever. They have sex on gym equipment and get into Animal House shenanigans.
Like Ghoulies part 1, there is a weird tongue seen.
Skip (Evan MacKenzie; Bad Dreams, Children of the Night) is a frat boy trying to win some sort of rush prank war. He likes Erin (Eva La Rue; RoboCop3, Lakeview Terrace). As an odd surprise, this movie features a small role played by Jason Scott Lee (Soldier, Arabian Nights, Dracula II, Dracula 3) as a frat brother. Other random roles include those of Matthew Lilliard (Thirteen Ghosts, Scream) and Hope Marie Carlton (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Slumber Party Massacre III, Slaughterhouse Rock). We find these characters involved in the ongoing prank war as the ghoulies create menace behind the scenes. It’s not very interesting or funny (if you’re sober).
Jason Scott Lee. For real!
The crotchety Professor Ragnar (Kevin McCarthy; Dark Tower, The Howling) finds the comic and finishes the summoning to bring the ghoulies into the campus. He ends up going mad and becoming power hungry. He eventually transforms into a ghoulies monster mutant thing and is defeated when the comic book is flushed down the toilet. Eh, not so interesting either.
A behind-the-scenes shot of Kevin McCarthy and his F/X co-stars.
Here is ghoulie-mutant McCarthy.
Aaaaaaaaaaand flush.
The ghoulies, as with part II, have received another level of special effects makeover. But, sadly, now they talk and engage in a 3 Stooges sort of dynamic. The sound effects and the ghoulies’ interactions make it obvious that the stooges served as a model for our little demons. They’re also much larger now. In parts 1 and 2 they stood 18 inches tops. Now they’re a good two feet tall and much more massive. I preferred them smaller. For whatever reason this size simply doesn’t work as well. Then again, nothing about this movie works as well as in its predecessors.
This is just plain silly.
The kills are just as nonsensical as the murdering ghoulies. They shove an entire, still living frat boy down a toilet and flush it. I think you should do the same with this movie. Just flush it and forget that it was ever made.
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The Best Horror Came from the 80s: Horror movies that stand the Test of Time and their more modern counterparts, Part 1
It’s hard to put it any better than to simply say “the best horror movies came from the 80s.” The 80s spawned so many beautiful franchises and, down the road, remakes and reboots–for better or for worse. But even when sequels begin to go sour and remakes fail to do justice to the originals, we must acknowledge that it was a legacy of greatness that compelled horror filmmakers to simply not give up and keep trying.
Here are some of the greats in no particular order…
1. The Thing (1982) took creepy to new levels. Remember the scene in the dog kennel? Whoah! How about the spider-crawling head? Or the blood sample that leapt from its petri dish? All effective and terrifying and without the tiniest bit of CGI. So many movies have sampled the “enemy among us” monster-alien theme. But none pull it off like the “original remake” of The Thing from Another World (1951; which never impressed me–there, I said it!).
So creepy and weird watching that thing crawl away.
Remember the sound this guy with the mutated hand made? Rattling!
Most intense movie moment of 1982 right here… the test.
Sadly, they tried to do it again, though. They had a good cast and the advantage of 30 years more technology. But The Thing (2011) failed miserably. I was never scared. I only so much as twitched in response to loud noises. And I was very upset with how they marginalized the pre-Macready character.
MacCready clone: “Hey, Laars. Remember when your hand got mutated in 1982?”
They took one of the most unnerving moody sci-fi horror movies in the market and remade it as a sci-fi action movie featuring a monster which took the form of a Starship Troopers monster and a torn up T-1000.
Maybe they’re related.
While the new installment had entertainment value, it pains me that it had the same name, many of the same characters (with different names, of course) and such a similar story. Don’t throw Mary Elizabeth Winstead in there and then say “see, there’s a cute chick scientist, it’s totally different now.”
“Why am I in this movie? They clearly remade the movie and lied about it. But it was a real boys’ club back in 1982.”
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) is a film that gave us one of the most interesting horror bad guys EVER and lives up to its name!. If you think I’m exaggerating, then ask yourself if you’d let your 9-year old son or nephew or little brother watch it with his friends (and no adults) during a sleepover. Yup. You wouldn’t. Why? Nightmares.
Careful filming and obscuring lighting made Freddy become real for young horror fans every time they walked down the hallway in the dark.
He knew what would jar you.
This film may not have the emotional power of Poltergeist (1982; discussed at length in our podcast #16) or the blunt-force trauma holy shit factor of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), but is instead its own entirely different animal. Freddy gives us hints of a twisted sense of humor as he cuts off his fingers and slices open his own maggot and pus-filled chest or licks Nancy and laughs through a possessed phone, but (unlike many of the sequels) there is nothing slapstick or comedic about it really. He is a twisted and pure evil. It’s intended to be sick and disturbing, not funny (to anyone but Freddy, that is)—although fans laugh at it today.
Freddy Krueger’s popularity spawned five sequels, a meta-sequel (Wes Craven’s New Nightmare), a crossover movie with Jason (Freddy vs Jason) and a recent remake in 2010. Freddy changed quite a bit over time, from terrifying to scary but humorous to just plain hilarious, then back to serious in New Nightmare and the remake.
Chilling out, catching some rays, and killing a dreaming teenager in Part 4.
His vengeful, zombie-like counterpart Jason Voorhees was fun, but never really cut it for me. Especially since I think the 2009 remake is more enjoyable over and over again than the original. Even though, admittedly the original was better the first time, I don’t want to see it more than once every 5-10 years. Thus it failed to stand the test of time.
I think Jason Voorhees is related to Sloth from The Goonies.
3. Return of the Living Dead (1985) and Return of the Living Dead 2 (1988) brought about the happy marriage of horror and comedy. While less blatant or slapstick than the much better and more recent zombedies (e.g., Zombieland, Shaun of the Dead, Warm Bodies), this franchise revealed that no horror comedy could match the zombedy. Although there have been some very successful satires utilizing slashers (American Psycho) and vampires.
There is no way that the effects team dreamed this up with a straight face.
As the series carried on to part 3 and beyond, the comedy was abandoned and the quality ran down hill. Sad. But I’m glad they tried. Despite the utter failures of the Rave to the Grave and Necropolis sequels (both 2005), the Return of series threw gasoline on a zombie corpse fire that has continued to go strong for decades. Thanks for that.
She looks one part Freddy, one part Cenobite, and–oh, right–she’s also the love interest. Yeah, this movie functions as a “serious” zombie romance. I’m not joking.
4. While the “Return of” movies were out carrying on and having a good time, Day of the Dead (1985) was keeping shit real, deconstructing the human psyche while dealing with an ongoing zombie plague. Sadly, the serious approach to the zombie apocalypse is less often successful than the path of the zombedy.
Okay, so maybe the had a little bit of fun with the zombies.
The 2008 remake with Nick Cannon and Mena Suvari was painful, but there was the much better Dawn of the Dead (2004) remake before that…oh, but there was also Day of the Dead 2 (2005), one of the worst zombie movies ever.
The [REC] series (2007, 2009, 2012) took a serious, actually rather intense approach and succeeded with the Quarantine series (2008, 2011) of Americanized remakes. However, by REC 3: Genesis it was clear that these filmmakers wanted to have a little more fun and a little less serious, throwing in a few laughs.
It takes a sense of humor to turn this…
…into this!
I love all three and look forward to part 4! Hell, I look forward to ALL zombie movies. Watch out for World War Z (2013)!
5. The Fly (1986; starring Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis) was another remake of a ’50s classic–classic in the sense that I’m glad I saw this seminal film once, not classic in the sense that I ever want to see it again. This remake runs circles around the original The Fly (1958), which ended on an almost comical note: “Help me. Help me.”
Nope. Not even good when colorized.
But as we watched Brundlefly’s demise in 1986, we knew it was no laughing matter! Amazingly visualized goretastically sick scenes and story components laced with Brundle’s egomaniacal transformation make this film unforgettable and watchable to this day!
Guy in a monster suit before we had CGI…and it’s AWESOME and credible! Gross and awesome. Today’s effects team couldn’t have done it any better.
In 1989 they hoped to replicate this idea while skirting the line between horror and sci-fi. Deliberate and entertaining, the only elements which succeeded in The Fly II were those that were unoriginal–including a long drawn out transformation which, while briefly satisfying, left me longing for the Brundle once more.
Eric Stoltz….pupating, evidently.
The Fly truly was something special and it came with a take home message: never armwrestle strangers with crazy-eyes!
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MY CALL: I’d call this a really, really, really great B-action movie. God, I’d love to see the R-rated version of this!!! IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Olympus Has Fallen (2013), Die Hard (1988), Taken (2007) and Live Free or Die Hard (2008) all feature some loooong and numerous action sequences.
http://lakwatseralovers.blogspot.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation-movie-review.html
Let’s start by stating the obvious: the plot is far from credible, basically akin to the simplicity of a cartoon supervillain with an over-the-top plan and he needs to be stopped by the good guys.
Still licking their wounds from the insufferable Rise of Cobra (2009), our super-soldiers led by Captain Duke (Channing Tatum; Side Effects, Magic Mike, The Vow) introduce the pace of this movie with an action sequence against overseas enemies. The down side: after a successful mission the president orders an air strike to kill the whole team and frames them for some pretty serious war crimes, painting them terrorists. They lose a lot of good men. But the best of them, thought to be dead with the others, made it out alive…and something smells fishy!
What’s that smell? Well, it turns out that the president of the United States has been kidnapped by Cobra operatives, with one of them impersonating the president with some sort of nanotechnology that perfectly emulates facial structure and voice. There’s the first heaping spoonful of over the top for us to swallow.
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/current-movie-reviews/gi-joe-retaliation.php
Lady Jaye looking lovely under cover.
Cobra operatives’ next step is to free their imprisoned Cobra Commander, who is in an underground super prison, and then bluff a nuclear coup to disarm the world’s nuclear powers and then threaten the world with a new, special weapon of their own design. Waaaaaaaaay over the top. When you see the world leaders meet to discuss nuclear disarmament it feels like a 12-year old wrote out the drama. But, I guess this movie is for the 12-year olds, too, so I’ll leave it alone.
Dwayne Johnson as Roadblock
Roadblock (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; Fast Five, Faster), freerunner Flint (D.J. Cotrona; Dear John), the sultry Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki; Red Dawn, Legion), Snake Eyes (Ray Park; Jinn, The King of Fighters) and Jinx (Elodie Yung; District 13: Ultimatum) face off against Zartan, Cobra Commander, Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee; I Saw the Devil, The Good the Bad the Weird) and Firefly (Ray Stevenson; The Three Musketeers, Thor). There’s also a painful ninja clan cameo by rapper-filmmaker Rza, who reprises his woodenly stale performance from The Man with the Iron Fists. Bruce Willis (A Good Day to Die Hard) also joins the Joes.
Byung-hun Lee as the shirtless, rippled, sweaty Storm Shadow. Take it all in, ladies.
The action sequences vary in quality. I found the movie’s opener to be a little weak, but I enjoyed most of them. Later sequences and, especially, the mountain ninja clan battle between Snake Eyes and Jinx and Storm Shadow’s minions was quite good. Likewise, a battle between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow along with Jinx training with Snake Eyes were also cool. Leave it to the ninjas to save the day. But they can’t take all the credit. Flint’s freerunning assaults on Cobra, Roadblock versus Firefly, the Cobra Commander prison break and the big finale offer a lot of entertainment as well.
http://lakwatseralovers.blogspot.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation-movie-review.html
Snake Eyes and Jinx training
http://funkyrabbeat.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation1.jpg
This movie is as entertaining as your ability to check your brain at the door and try to remember the scenarios you were playing out with action figures when you were a kid. All the sudden, “the president needs saving again” starts to feel more natural.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Playing for Keeps
Desperation is a stinky cologne and Playing for Keeps smells of old Stetson mixed with Brians Fantana’s Sex Panther.
Playing for Keeps is the oddest romantic comedy I’ve watched in years. I sat dumbfounded as a plethora of good actors slummed in the worst way possible. The production design was non-existent, the acting bonkers and script written by a forty three year old man named Doug (not researched). It is movies like this that are necessary for the general populace and Hollywood. It makes decent films good by comparison and somehow makes the Katherine Heigl film One for the Money seem better than terrible. Hollywood cannot produce too many of these films because the audience gets hip to the badness and the actors involved strive for better work after a flop. It is the equivalent of hitting rock bottom. They only place to go is up. Also, the lack of good roles has forced actresses like Rashida Jones to write their own scripts that make for much better films like Celeste and Jesse Forever.
Playing for Keeps is an odd film about a former soccer legend scoring with soccer moms as he tries to rekindle his ex-wife’s love. He also proves to be a terrible father as he continually lets his kid down while he is busy sleeping with various housewives who may or may not be married. The women break into his house, show up uninvited and throw themselves at Butler with reckless abandon. Playing for Keeps is odd stuff. It looks like it was shot in two weeks, has zero production value and Dennis Quiad seems very close to rehab.
The most depressing aspect of the film is that it features several wonderful actresses who are nothing but fodder for Gerard Butler’s Lothario. Uma Thurman, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Judy Greer literally stalk Butler and throw themselves at him in sad moments. In your head you are wondering why these women are playing such thankless roles in a borderline mysoginist movie. They’ve proven themselves with Oscar nominations, Oscar wins and critical praise yet they still find themselves in 4% Rotten Tomato rated films. I think they went the Caine route. Michael Caine famously couldn’t collect his Oscar because he was busy filming Jaws: The Revenge. When asked about the film years later he gave this famous quote
“I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”
Here are the actresses thoughts while filming Playing for Keeps.
New Boat!
New brownstone and cell phone!
People will finally forget about Stealth!
Playing for Keeps was originally entitled Playing the Field. That change happened because the original title made too much sense. This change was important because the movie needed to make zero sense. It is a mind boggling thing and it baffled me at every turn. I’d like to see a movie about how the director and writer were able to acquire the cast with such a mind numbing script. Then, I’d like to see the sequel about filming the movie because there must have been some very depressed crew.
Don’t watch Playing for Keeps. If you want to watch a movie about soccer watch The Damned United. If you want to watch a good romantic comedy check out Celeste and Jesse Forever. If you rent this film they might make a sequel called Playing the Field for Keeps.
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Olympus Has Fallen (2013), making up for A Good Day to Die Hard one dead North Korean terrorist at a time
MY CALL: Behold the unbelievable scenario of Gerard Butler versus like 60 North Korean black ops terrorists and Butler wins. A satisfying movie for guys who like movies with explosions, throat punches, machine guns and knife fights. It’s like one super-long action sequence. [B] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Die Hard (1988), Taken (2007) and Live Free or Die Hard (2008). WHITE HOUSE SIDEBAR: This is one of three movies this year involving terrorists taking the White House. Odd trend, huh? The other two are G. I. Joe: Retaliation and, nearly a clone of this movie, White House Down.
Agent Mike Banning (Gerard Butler; Machine Gun Preacher, Gamer) was transferred from the Secret Service after an accident resulted in the death of President Asher’s (Aaron Eckhart; The Rum Diary, Battle Los Angeles) wife. He’s bored of his new desk job and misses being by his friend the president’s side. But the president cannot bear the memory of his wife’s death.
During a meeting in the White House, the South Korean Prime Minister’s chief of security Kang goes rogue. He is actually a long dark-ops North Korean terrorist with sinister plans for the United States. Rick Yune (The Man with the Iron Fists, Ninja Assassin) really owns the role of Kang and his “no foolin’ around” hard line of terrorism. He also dresses well.
Kang’s White House takeover gives audiences a lot of continuous, intense action. There are suicide bombers, huge guns, rapid fire guns, a kamikaze air assault, missile strikes, missile decoys, smoke bombs, explosions, creative road blocks, terrorists in tourists’ clothing and insider double-crosses–it drew a lot of laughs, smiles and “ooohs” from the action movie fans in the audience. The White House lawn was painted red as somehow Banning snuck his way into the White House before Kang’s men had complete control.
Banning goes guerilla, utilizing the Korean terrorists’ gear.
Making his entrance, Banning watched in horror as secret service agents, responding to the sound of loads of gunfire, recklessly ran out into the open through the front door and were mowed down by Gatling guns. For the sake of an impressive body count, the writers seemed to have decided that secret service men an White House security details are rather poorly trained and have no concept of using cover or evasive maneuvers when under fire. This was a blaring flaw and it came with a lot of “OMG, REALLY!?!” But it also made it fun.
With the president and vice president held hostage, House Speaker Turnbull (Morgan Freeman; The Dark Knight Rises, Conan the Barbarian) assumes the pressures of acting president. As Turnbull weighs Kang’s threats with global security, Banning starts wading his way through the White House halls and BRUTALLY picking off Kang’s elite trained operatives. The hand-to-hand combat isn’t quite what I’d prefer, filmed very close up, sometimes shaky, and with choppy one-cut-per-move editing. But hey, this isn’t a martial arts movie. It’s a series of super-long action sequences kind of movie. And the hard hitting action sequences are quite pleasing to this action junkie!
Supporting actors include Angela Bassett (This Means War, Green Lantern) as Banning’s boss, Melissa Leo (The Fighter, Conviction) and Radha Mitchell (Silent Hill Revelation, The Crazies) as Banning’s wife. Everyone did a fine job. My biggest complaint wouldn’t be the acting, but the writing in the early scenes when we have the president’s happy family routine shoved down our throats. Too many rainbows and not enough “real.” But, again, this movie is largely a continuous IV drip of action. So I’ll let it slide.
Director Antoine Fuqua (Shooter, King Arthur, Training Day) must have anticipated how bad A Good Day to Die Hard was going to be and decided to give us “Die Hard in the White House” starring Gerard Butler to make up for it. In fact, this movie was stunningly similar to the awesomely epic Live Free or Die Hard. Let me count the ways… 1) The calm, cool, collected Kang looked so sleek in his vest outfit, not unlike the dashing and dapper, cardiganed Timothy Olyphant. 2) Like the Maggie Q to Olyphant, Kang also had a tough Asian computer whiz at his side. 3) Like Willis’ John MacClane, Butler takes a beating in this movie and his bruises and blood don’t magically disappear between scenes as he takes a lot of punishment. 4) Like MacClane in Die Hard, Banning is the only line of communication with the outside, it takes a while for Kang to realize he’s even there, Kang and Banning exchange some smack talk, a bad guy pretends to be a good guy to try to kill Banning, and when the acting president and his panel don’t listen to Banning bad stuff happens. 5) Banning and his wife are having some problems–classic MacClane! Basically, this movie was Die Hard with a North Korean Timothy Olyphant and Maggie Q in the White House.
Spoiler Alert! Butler saves the day.
Is this a bad thing? Hell, no! I enjoyed it. It was a fun. Although it was loaded with faults, the faults sort of contributed to the fun.
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MY CALL: Ouch. Craptastic acting, lousy writing, stupid scenarios, destitute effects and a ripped off premise make this movie an affront to B-horror. This is more like D-horror and I give it an “F.”. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: There are much better creepy asylum movies–namely Session 9 (2001), Grave Encounters (2011) and American Horror Story season 2 (2012). For a better breathable spirit movie, aim for Fallen (1998).
In 1956, during an insane criminal’s execution at an asylum, he gets violent and babbles a bunch of religious banter until they give him the chair. But wait second. Since when do we execute the criminally insane? And since when have executions been performed at asylums? [That’s Strike 1]
Skip to present day. Jerry (Scream Queen Katrina Bowden; Piranha 3DD, Tucker and Dale vs Evil), Kyle, Heath, Tony, Samantha, Johnny (Randy Wayne; Terror Toons 2, Caretaker) and Natasha (Erin Marie Hogan; The Theater Bizarre) load up an SUV and go off on a trip. They all put their cell phones in the locked glove compartment of the car in what I find to be a very convenient horror ploy to keep them from calling for help later. This would simply not happen. No group of seven, social, good-looking 20-somethings would ever do this voluntarily. No way! How else can they Tweet, Instagram or Facebook about it? [That’s Strike 2]
http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html
At the beginning of the drive they pass a graveyard near the asylum and Jerry goes into a serious panic, blurting out some folklore that if you don’t hold your breath then an evil spirit may enter your body. Really? A hot, mainstream 22-year old is going to find this worrisome? [That’s Strike 3, and we’re only 10 minutes into the movie] Anyway… Naturally, the stoner (Kyle) wanted to enjoy a good toke and inhaled. Annnnnnnnd now he’s the killer.
http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html
They pull off near an old asylum and decide it would be cool to go inside. Weird stuff happens. Then they go on to their camping trip and we learn that the evil spirit can pass from one possessed person to another by breath. This sounds like the touch-and-go Rolling Stones-loving Azazel of Fallen (1998). And, like Azazel, our spirit has a tell.
http://thewolfmancometh.com/2012/12/17/hold-your-breath-2012-review/
Who’s the killer now?
http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html
It’s Katrina Bowden! And she has an egg beater!!!
Outside of some decent blood work, effects including storms, wind, electricity, explosions and fire are destitute. One of the only things about this movie that was done well was a gratuitous sex scene, which really felt like watching a soft-core porn on late night Cinemax and otherwise totally broke the flow and mood of this already insufferably bad horror. There’s other nudity as well and, even as far as direct-to-DVD horror goes, it’s not in good taste. [How many strikes am I up to here?]
In the end, the way they defeat the evil, 20-something-possessing spirit is incredibly stupid–almost enraging. Okay, I smiled a few times. But it really is quite terrible.
http://thewolfmancometh.com/2012/12/17/hold-your-breath-2012-review/
They find a retired guy who worked at the asylum when the killer was executed.
http://ipirate4you.blogspot.com/2012/12/hold-your-breath-2012-web-dl-720p-650m.html
They form an evil spirit lynch mob.
Let’s just skip this one, okay?
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