John’s Horror Corner: Martyrs (2015), a toothless remake of the 2008 French extreme film.
MY CALL: Maybe entertaining, but woefully disappointing to anyone who appreciated Martyrs (2008) in its emotionally gut-punching true glory. MORE MOVIES LIKE Martyrs: Looking for more extreme French cinema? Go for Martyrs (2008), Inside (2007) and Frontiers (2007).
REMAKE/REIMAGINING SIDEBAR: For more horror remakes, I strongly favor the following: Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978), An American Werewolf in London (1981), The Thing (1982), The Fly (1986), The Mummy (1999), The Ring (2002), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Hills Have Eyes (2006), Friday the 13th (2009), Let Me In (2010), Evil Dead (2013), Carrie (2013), The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014), It (2017), Suspiria (2018) and Child’s Play (2019). Those to avoid include Body Snatchers (1993; the second remake), War of the Worlds (2005), The Invasion (2007; the third remake), Prom Night (2008), Night of the Demons (2009), Sorority Row (2009), Patrick: Evil Awakens (2013), Poltergeist (2015), Cabin Fever (2016), Unhinged (2017) and The Mummy (2017). I’m on the fence about An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), The Grudge (2004), Halloween (2007), It’s Alive (2009), My Bloody Valentine (2009), A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), Fright Night (2011), The Thing (2011; a prequel/remake), Maniac (2012), Rabid (2019) and Pet Sematary (2019), which range from bad to so-so (as remakes) but still are entertaining movies on their own.
From its opening scene (which mirrors the 2008 original), this remake lacks the dire hopeless urgency of its predecessor. After escaping a horrible confinement, a young Lucie is remanded to an orphanage. Lucie’s (Troian Bellisario; Pretty Little Liars) abductors are never found, she suffers horrible nightmares, and she becomes a loner. In need of sympathy, she meets Anna (Bailey Noble; True Blood) and they become fast friends.
Flashforward ten years. A clearly mentally feral Lucie hunts for those who wronged her, Anna tries her best to be Lucie’s keeper, and Lucie is still haunted by her own demons. But as crazy as Lucie may be, Anna comes to learn that she’s actually right about some things.
Lucie’s “personal demon” may be mean and brutal, especially if this is your first experience with Martyrs. But anyone who has seen the original knows what true disturbing horror can be, and this remake doesn’t have it. 2015’s specter is mean for the sake of being mean, but 2008’s nightmare fuel inspired a nigh Lovecraftian madness. As intense as this film may seem, it’s a cheap and shallow rehashing of its source material.
Comparing 2015 (above) to 2008 (below)–these two young ladies had very different experiences with their death cults. And while more gore doesn’t translate into “better”, just trust that the difference in impact of all aspects of these films mirror these images.
Like Lucie’s demon, the torture scenes may shock those unseasoned to the torture porn subgenre or extreme French cinema, but they lacked teeth. The final scenes (which weakly emulated the flaying and grand revelation of 2008), felt like phoned in, watered down reimaginings that fail to earn my reverence. There is no comparison to the extremity or thoughtfulness of the original, through which you earn your awful shock by enduring Lucie’s wrenching journey.
Directors Kevin and Michael Goetz (Scenic Route) generally succeed in replaying the 2008 French film in softened (i.e., Americanized) fashion and, to those who never saw the original, this may even pass as “intense” and “good.” But given how close this is to an exact scene-for-scene remake, I have difficulty judging it on its own merits. 2008 made me wince and grit my teeth and feel so deeply and awfully horribly for the protagonists. This remake did no such thing. By comparison, it was hollow; a frail husk of its model.
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The opening of The Villainess features an insane first-person style brawl that features 52 henchmen getting wiped out by a badass assassin. It’s a wild scene that features four stages of henchmen being stabbed, gutted, shot, slashed and murdered. It’s a gnarly battle that director Jung Byung-gil was able to pull off because of his stunts background, and ability to rally seemingly all of South Korea’s stuntmen. It’s a neat way to start the $5 million budgeted action film, and it lets us know what we’re in for (a whole lot of violence).
It’s tough to write about The Villainess, and not spoil anything, so, I’m just going to say it’s about a woman named Sook-hee (Kim Ok-bin) killing the absolute ever living crap out of many people. The film showcases her journey from killer to trained assassin who endures double crosses, murder attempts and secret missions. The middle of the film dives into melodrama as Sook-hee attempts to live a normal life, however, her short-lived domestic life sets up a killer finale on a runaway bus.
Jung Byung-gil was inspired by Luc Besson’s La Femme Nikita, and he set out to make an action film that features peerless action that is genderless and never boring. He succeeded, and in an ultimate compliment, Chad Stahelski, the director John Wick: Chapter 3: Parabellum loved the motorcycle scene in The Villainess so much, he included one of his own in John Wick 3.
What I love about The Villainess is how it was able to stretch its $5 million budget. The movie has an epic feel, and it punches above its weight as it treats us to a plethora of inventive action scenes. I wish I could’ve been on set as the creators wrapped their heads around all the insane action scenes. Also, I’d love to see Kim Ok-bin (she’s great in Thirst BTW) kill more people in future installments, and hopefully the success of this film will create more opportunities for female-led South Korean action films.
The Villainess is currently streaming on Hulu. Check it out!
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Listen to the MFF Final Fights podcast on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean or Google Podcasts (or wherever you listen to podcasts)!
The final fight between Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) and Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) in Van Helsing is insane, and I love it. If you are looking for a brawl that features a giant werewolf spinning a giant bat in circles, you will love this fight. An added bonus to this brawl are the side battles between Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), Carl (David Wenham), Frankenstein’s Monster (Shuler Hensley) and Aleera (Elena Anaya). If you are into vampires swinging from convenient cables, weird one-liners, and werewolves working underhooks, you will be a fan of this fight. Enjoy!
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The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about the insane (and very funny) comedy MacGruber. Released in 2010, and directed by Jorma Taccone, this cult classic only pulled in $9 million worldwide (on a $10 million budget – not terrible) and it quickly exited the theaters to enter the DVD wasteland. However, in the last decade, it’s gained a following of loyal fans who justifiably love it. In this episode, we discuss Will Forte’s commitment, throat rips, headbutts, Saturday Night Live movies and ghost sex. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the episode!
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MY CALL: So bad. MORE MOVIES LIKE Boardinghouse: Hard to say. But it’s rare that I’d ever suggest someone actually watch Witchcraft II: The Temptress (1988)… as long as it was instead of Boardinghouse. This makes Death Spa (1989) and Killer Workout (1987) feel like filmmaking triumphs.
So, quick disclaimer. I watched the “rare director’s cut” of this microbudget B-movie. Don’t do that!!! I also had to buy this in order to watch it. Don’t do that either!!! Don’t watch this inordinately long cut. It’s 2 hours and 36 minutes. Yes! You read that right! A craptastic, not even so-bad-it’s-good, already boring-as-sin flick that was stretched out by an extra hour! This was the God-Emperor of bad ideas. No wonder this cut is “rare.”
Long after the death of a Nobel Laureate who was researching telekinesis and the occult, subsequent occupants of the house found horrible accidental deaths by mutilation. When our newest owner moves in, he decides to make it into a boardinghouse for “young, single, beautiful, unattached girls.” So I guess we’re in for some sleaze. But no. It’s not nearly as raunchy as you’d expect (e.g., it’s no Greasy Strangler). In fact, other than the inclusion of some gratuitous nudity, its delivery is hardly raunchy at all. We just squeeze the cheese all over this movie with bikini-clad twentysomethings in an inordinate number of pool scenes with nothing to say and nothing to do, in a movie with nothing to entertain us.
So this weird little flick is conceptually sleazy, but never really delivers on the raunchy exploitation you’d expect. Makes you wonder what it has to offer. Maybe some good gory efforts? Hardly. Maybe two decent scenes. Two scenes in 150 minutes!
The best part of this God-awful movie was also the most needlessly mean part: the hammered cat scene. Yup. A cat gets killed in about as mean and graphic a way as I’ve seen. At least the cat in The Boondock Saints (1999) was killed instantaneously. There was also one entertaining scene with a woman gouging out her own eyes. The effects are cheap, but it’s the only scene (other than the hammered cat) that feels like it received any effort. But the other 2 hours and 32 minutes of this movie painfully drag. Every scene was too long—way too long—and way too boring. This was so bad it made me long for even some of the lowest quality Troma films.
There’s this weird gardener character that’s meant to be mysterious. Every scene and everything about that character fails to deliver anything outside of the sheer lunacy that someone thought this was a good idea.
In terms of overall filmmaking, this is hot garbage covered in liquid feces that got lit on fire. The narration and exposition are dry and boring and just so clumsy, there are numerous worthless little shots clunkily edited, the deaths are flaccid, and most of the scenes are completely unnecessary.
The special effects are nothing special. Perhaps the “best” effects after the self-eye-gauging involved a man pulling animal organs between his shirt buttons. I wanted so badly to be able to laugh at this movie. Instead I rue the day I ever heard of it. Writer and director John Wintergate (Terror by Tour) disappeared from film after this movie. I’m hoping a few people who suffered through it tracked him down and threw him in that remote cabin basement with Henrietta.
I’ve written nearly 1000 reviews for this website. And this, truly and honestly, may very well be the most devastatingly boring thing I’ve watched and reviewed. Spare yourselves. Avoid this at all costs.
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Listen to the MFF Final Fights podcast on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean or Google Podcasts (or wherever you listen to podcasts)!
The final fight between Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) and the massive alien queen in Aliens is one of the greatest movie fights ever. It’s a fantastic battle between two badasses that features Ripley saying “Get away from her, you bitch!” before taking on the 18-foot tall creature in a battle to the death. Director James Cameron knew exactly how much to show of the creature, and the end result is a beautiful brawl. Watch the clip then listen to the Final Fights episode!
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MY CALL: I was expecting a cheap “rubber suited monster” movie with a few gory scenes. This, however, blew past my expectations as a creature feature and a somewhat fantasy-adventure movie. MORE MOVIES LIKE Screamers: For more fishmen and amphibious humanoid monsters, go for Humanoids from the Deep (1980), Croaked (1981), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Dagon (2001), Bad Blood (2016), Cold Skin (2017) and Underwater (2020).
A small treasure-hunting expedition (victim fodder for the opening scenes) to a remote island ventures to the misty Cave of the Dead filled with gross decayed skeletons and corpses. Slime-covered monstrous claws are all we see at first, but they look great for the 70s and they waste no time before brutally ripping off a man’s head, making bloody fleshy lacerations of a victim’s throat and slashing out a guy’s intestines! This all happens in the first ten minutes. So we’re off to a great start.
When we see the fishmen, they look great. I’d say better than Humanoids from the Deep (1980), especially in the opening shots, and maybe a bit less impressive in some subsequent shots as there is more than one creature/suit design. There are also some sort of animated corpse/zombies in the fishmen’s lair—and the corpses are gooey!
When the survivors of a prison ship wash ashore on the remote island, they encounter the island’s owner, his native servants led by Shakira (Beryl Cunningham; The Exterminators of the Year 3000, Tarzana the Wild Woman), and the lovely Amanda (Barbara Bach; The Humanoid, Caveman, The Unseen)—who seems to be more like a prisoner treated liked a houseguest.
After the opening scenes, this doesn’t feel much like a horror movie. An interesting plot unfolds more akin to an adventure movie than horror, and it relies on action perhaps more than “scares.” As if mixing The Island of Doctor Moreau (1977) with a treasure hunt action-mystery, the island’s owner has an elaborate plan to harvest the ancient treasures of the Lost City of Atlantis, and that plan involves Amanda and now his new guests.
The effects of the fishmen vary (because there are differently designed costumes). Single monster appearances are more often the better creature designs (as well as the laboratory experiment scene), and multiple monsters present often indicates the weaker creature design. But overall, it’s always cool seeing these things. There are many long shots of the fishmen swimming underwater, creating great visuals. Actually, this film was really ambitious. Lots of interesting sets, lots of monsters that we see very often, a good amount of gore, scenes in caverns and beaches and caves, probably expensive underwater scenes and lots of structure fires. This whole undertaking looks expensive.
But (maybe I missed something here) why is the American title release of this movie called Screamers? It turns out one of the title releases (for the USA, I think) carried that title along with the tagline: “They’re men turned inside out! And worse… they’re still alive!” But other than the skinned (maybe undead) thing in the early beach cave scene, there’s nothing of the sort. And, sure, the main bad guy does something to people. But this title and line is incredibly misleading, and probably generated by someone who just saw some screen shots out of context.
Director Sergio Martino (2019: After the Fall of New York, Hands of Steel, Torso) made a satisfying, entertaining film. It definitely was not what I expected. And although it’s not something I plan on revisiting, it’s something I’m glad I saw.
I was expecting a cheap rubber suited monster movie with a few gory scenes. This, however, blew past my expectations as a creature feature and a somewhat fantasy-adventure movie.
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The racing series continues! John Leavengood and I continue our racing series by talking about the 2001 racing film Driven. Directed by Renny Harlin (Deep Blue Sea, Cliffhanger), and starring Sylvester Stallone, this $90 million budgeted movie spared no expense in its quest to recreate the sights, sounds and feeling of Championship Car racing (it succeeds). In this episode, we discuss unnecessary street racing, synchronized swimming, and humming. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the episode!
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I’m a big fan of the movie MacGruber, it’s incredibly profane, always funny, and it doesn’t make anything easy for audiences (think MacGruber’s speech about stealing Casey from Cunth). One of my favorite moments is when Lt. Dixon Piper breaks down MacGruber’s military achievements. Here’s what he has to say:
“The Legendary MacGruber. Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia, three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor, seven Presidential Medals of Bravery and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.”
After hearing about his war heroics, and learning he foiled an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979, I became curious as to how old MacGruber actually was in the 2010 film. I started by researching the Saturday Night Live skits, that aired between 2007 and 2010. However, I quickly learned that they’re zero help because his age is all over the place, (44-50 in some skits) and according to the MacGyver/MacGruber skit he was born in 1973. The year is problematic because in the 2010 movie timeline he foiled an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979. This means if the timelines are combined, he was only six when he helped save Carter. Nope.
Here’s a document from the film that discusses his heroics in 1979 and proves the two timelines are different (this is insane….I know it).
Based on the clues from historical data, UTEP sports records and the 2010 film, I’ve come up with a MacGruber timeline that suggests he was 54 years old in the 2010 film.
MOVIE TIMELINE
1956 – MacGruber is born – Parents unknown (His tombstone and passports say he was born in 1963, which I believe is a classic MacGruber lie. He wasn’t a Green Beret when he was 16)
1974 – Was recruited by UTEP to play Tight End. He had two receptions for 18 yards and a touchdown during his Freshman year.
*Based on the film’s timeline and UTEP records, the UTEP TE Dean Allcorn fits the dates perfectly. I’m using his stats.
1975 – Five receptions for 59 yards – He also bowls a 225 game at a local bowling alley.
1976 – 14 receptions for 256 yards and two touchdowns
1977 -Six receptions for 83 yards and two touchdowns. He is recruited by the Army after graduation, because they are impressed with his hand/eye coordination (E.G. beginning of throat rip training). He also breaks up Dieter Von Cunth and Casey Janine Fitzpatrick.
*I’m happy with this late 1970’s assumption because during the flashback scene in MacGruber, he is wearing a ringer T-shirt. They were immensely popular in the 70s.
1978 – Army Ranger Training – During his training, he learns that he hates guns. Normally, this would be an issue, however, his aptitude for remorseless killing and throat rips make him a valuable asset.
1979 – Foiled the Assassination of President Jimmy Carter in Israel (Carter did visit in 1979) – MacGruber foiled the terror plot and killed 200 in process. I’m guessing bombs and throat rips. In the report, he says “Bombs are super complicated”
This is the article about how he prevented an assassination attempt on Jimmy Carter in 1979
1979 – Green Beret Training (busy year for MacGruber) – He also meets Frank Korver for the first time
1980 – Two Tours in Nicaragua (received 3 Purple Heart Medals, One Congressional Medal of Honor, and a Presidential Medal of Bravery) – During the “Chattanooga Two-Step Mission” he saved most of a village and his fellow Berets when he throat ripped 27 soldiers during a 17-mile trek through the wilderness. He was shot twice (oddly, he didn’t mind the bullet wounds) during the trek
1981 – One Tour in Nicaragua (received 1 Purple Heart Medal) – He received the Purple Heart Medal when his homemade dynamite exploded early
1982 – Navy SEAL training
1983 – Missions in Israel, Canada(?), and Persian Gulf (Classified – I never heard back from Canadian sources)
1984 – Missions in Iran, Honduras, and Persian Gulf (Classified)
1985 – Missions in Iran and Libya (Classified)
1986 – Missions in Libya and Bolivia (Classified) – We do know he and Tut Beemer became friends during this time
1987 – Two tours in Mozambique (3 Purple Heart Medals and Presidential Medal of Bravery)
1988 – One tour in Mozambique (1 Purple Heart Medal) – During one particularly nasty throat rip, he poked himself in the eye and claimed he received the injury from his foe
1989 – Two tours in Somalia, One tour in Nicaragua – Vicky St. Elmo is shot during this Nicaragua tour
1990 – One Tour in Somalia (cut short), Two tours in Desert Storm (3 purple hearts) – During these tours he teams up with Vernon Freedom, Tug Phelps, Tanker Lutz and Brick Hughes
1991 – Four tours in Desert Storm (special military rules allowed the tours to be shorter than normal – first person to ever have this happen to) – (Two Congressional Medals of Honor, 3 Presidential Medals of Honor) – MacGruber was able to deactivate a scud missile and throat rip a famous sniper at the same time.
1992 – One tour in Bosnia (1 Purple Heart Medal), One tour in Somalia (Classified)
1993 – Two tours in Bosnia (One Presidential Medal of Honor) – The film Behind Enemy Lines was inspired by his missions here.
1994 – One tour in Angola (Classified)
1995 – One tour in Sierra Leone (2 Purple Heart Medals) – Deactivated two bombs at the same time. However, he missed the third bomb, which is why he received two Purple Heart Medals
1996 – One tour in Sierra Leone (2 Purple Heart Medals) – Same as above
1997 – One tour in Sierra Leone (One Presidential Medal of Honor) – This time he got to all three bombs.
1998 – One tour in Angola (Classified)
1999 – One tour in Angola (Classified, Redacted and Classified again…Something bad happened)
2000 – Retired – Marriage to Casey Fitzpatrick – Wedding Tragedy
2000-2010 – Isolation in Rio Bamba, Ecuador – Faked his death
2010 – BACK IN ACTION!!!!!!
There it is! MacGruber was 54 years old in the 2010 MacGruber. He also had a long and storied military career that left at least 7,000 dead (good and bad people).
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The final fight between Robert Roy MacGregor (Liam Neeson) and Archibald Cunningham (Tim Roth) in Rob Roy is one of my favorite fights because of the narrative it tells. I love the William Hobbs (Willow, Ladyhawke, Count of Monte Cristo) choreographed brawl because it tells the story of a hulking badass (Rob Roy. who is a good man) battling a lithe murderer (Cunningham. who is a terrible human) in a battle to the death. If you are into beautifully choreographed sword fights, watch the clips below, then listen to our episode! Enjoy!
Movies, Films & Flix 