While watching Predators I felt bad for the special forces guy named Drake (thank you prequel comic) who spent many days building an intricate trap and having it fail spectacularly. I kept wondering how the guy was able to pull together boatloads of materials (wood, vines, rocks) without being heard or seen while preparing a trap that covered about 50 yards. there must’ve been a lot of cutting, scraping, grunting, swearing and hacking, and it seems virtually impossible that it wouldn’t be noticed. This trap went well beyond what Arnold Schwarzenegger did in Predator and it was all a waste of time.
The trap in Predator was nothing compared to the trap in Predators.
Why was building the trap a waste of time? My theory is the Predators were watching and chuckling the entire time he was building it. The hunters knew what he was doing and let him set up the trap so they could kill him when he finished it. They must’ve been impressed with his ingenuity and figured it would be funny to see the latest bunch of people dealing with it on the alien hunting preserve.
I watched the clip way too many times (50-second scene) and was able to make a rough count of everything needed for the trap and how much time it would take to set up. I’m not an expert on jungle survival (I did watch Jungle though) and I couldn’t begin to explain how to make a trap that shoots spikes into the ground, but I can make an educated guess that suggests how long the Predators waited.
Here are my assumptions:
- He did all the work by himself. This assumption is backed up by the Predators: Welcome to the Jungle prequel comic that was released by Dark Horse. Drake’s entire team was killed by the hunters and he became blinded by revenge which leads to his dumb plan.
- He worked every day from sunup to sundown. I’m thinking he worked for a solid 12 hours with a few needed breaks.
- In the comic, Drake stole a smart disc from the Predators and this tool helped him greatly with the chopping of wood (I’m guessing). So, even though we don’t see it in the movie I’m going to let him have it.
- The Predators knew exactly what he was doing.
- There could be more to his trap but I’m only counting what we saw onscreen.
Here is what he used for the trap:
*I figured out these numbers via a lot of pausing and educated guesswork
- 1300 feet of vines/rope/cords (at least)
- Two large pieces of deadfall – Each piece weighs at least 750 pounds – Adrien Brody suggests they might’ve weighed 1500 pounds each, but I’m sticking with 750.
- 100 sharpened branch pieces for the really cool but unnecessary spike trap
- 30 sharpened pieces of thick squat wood for the spike catapult trap
- 12 4 ft. sharpened poles place inside the 10-foot hole he made
- 20 feet of thick branches for the large wooden spike trap
- A bunch of palm fronds and branches to cover up trip wires and holes.
How long did it take to set up the trap?
- One day to scout for a location and create a blueprint for the trap
- One day to find all the necessary branches, sticks, trees, rope, vines, palm fronds and deadfall
- Two days to cut the 100 pieces of wood for the overhead trap. The tops of each piece of wood have been cut flat and they’ve all been sharpened to penetrate tree roots.
- One day to cut the 32 pieces of wood for the underground and catapult traps. If you look at the pieces of wood on the catapult trap you see will that they’ve been cut into spears. This would take a lot of work considering how big the pieces of wood are.
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- One day to dig out the 10-foot hole. The hole may have been there already but it seems too symmetrical to be natural. He must’ve done some work to make it like that.
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- One day to build the catapult spike trap
- Three days to hang all the vines and place the wooden stakes into them. The amount of vine work is crazy because Drake set up a system that propels the pieces of wood down quickly. Thus, each piece of wood had to be specifically rigged to be shot into the ground.
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- One day to hang the deadfall for the swinging trap. I’d imagine he’d do this last to prevent it killing him while he was hanging vines.
Total Time = 11 Days to build the massive trap
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I’m not an expert on building 50-yard traps but after watching a bunch of Youtube clips and researching limited cutting options (another article here) I think 11 days is a solid option. I say this because the trap had so many time-consuming activities that it couldn’t be rushed or treated lightly. The biggest question I have about the trap is how he rigged the overhead vines without a ladder or step stool. Without a ladder, the amount of time it had to take to rig each spike in the overhead trap must’ve been very monotonous and he probably didn’t want to make too much noise which would’ve prevented serious hacking and breaking of logs.
Conclusion: It must’ve been entertaining for the Predators because they let Drake build everything, then one of them shot him in the back. It proves that the iconic hunters have a sense of humor and don’t mind letting others do work for them.
Poor Drake….
If you liked this random post make sure to check out my other stuff! Also, a big thanks to Brian Raftery at Wired for interviewing me about this dumb data.
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The MFF Podcast #129: The Babysitter
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
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SUMMARY: This week we discuss The Babysitter (2017), McG’s crisply dazzling Netflix Original horror-comedy that delivers all the lovably fun characters and pop culture of Charlie’s Angels (2000) with all the laughably blood-in-the-face spewing gore of Sam Raimi. We explore such notions as truly testing Liam Neeson’s special set of skills (Taken 1-3), how inconsiderate it was for Forrest Gump (1994) to eat Jenny’s chocolates, whether Bee (Samara Weaving) is actually “evil” and how old she might be, and what ever happened to our all Kurt Russell episodes (Episode 1: Kurt Russell’s Best Sleeveless Moments and Episode 50: Kurtchella).
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 128: A Cure for Wellness
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999-2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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MY CALL: This oddity stars a lot of before-they-were-stars and aims high with a low budget to deliver a dumb but fun romp full of cheap jump scares. Enjoy.
Alabama, 1863—A gang of bank robbers with little trust among them spend the night in an abandoned plantation estate. As soon as they wade through the corn fields to ensure the house is truly vacant, they encounter (and shoot) a strange, eyeless and relatively hairless monster that they pass off as some sort of animal. Shortly thereafter one of their men disappears and another has visions of a horrifying little boy in the house. So, clearly their threat is supernatural and intelligent. Naturally, they say in the house.
The plot sounds overly basic—and a lot like Feast (2005) or Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)—but ends up delivering something more like a haunting than a creature feature. I actually only watched this when I learned it was one of Michael Shannon’s (The Shape of Water, Bug) early films. Then I noticed more familiar faces.
The cast includes Isaiah Washington (Ghost Ship), Nicki Aycox (Joy Ride 2, Jeepers Creepers II), Patrick Fugit (Gone Girl), Henry Thomas (Gerald’s Game, Fire in the Sky, Ouija: Origin of Evil) and Mark Boone Junior (30 Days of Night, Halloween II, Vampires).
Despite its low budget, this film is ambitious with its special effects. The opening scene depicts a rather gory bank robbery complete with blowing someone’s head clean off, and we see our monster up close—both in the first 15 minutes. The gunshot and slashing wounds are almost entirely CGI (much like The Walking Dead), but at least it’s all on-screen. I appreciate the effort and feel it looks more than good enough to entertain.
Director (Alex Turner; Red Sands) and writer Simon Barrett (You’re Next, Blair Witch, The Guest) truly succeed on delivering a fun popcorn horror night full of jump scares (although cheap, they’re fun if you know what you’re getting into) and a variety of special effects. Admittedly, this $1.5 million direct-to-DVD film’s scares may not compare to the jumpy fun or scare-ticipation of Lights Out (2016), but it does a solid job of mixing things up. I was especially surprised (and pleasantly so, given the low budget) with the scene of the monster emerging from the woman’s stomach—and I was so glad they went with practical effects. Additionally, however hokey, I enjoyed the “scarecrow decapitation scene” towards the end.
This film has earned a small cult following. You know what? I think it’s deserving. It aims high and features a broad cast of before-they-were-stars. One may be annoyed that nothing about the haunting, the monsters or their form are explained. But whatever. It’s dumb and fun.
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MY CALL: Okay, folks. This is basically Kickboxer 6. It’s the first sequel of the reboot, the bad guys keep getting more physically monstrous, and the action scenes erupt over-the-top. You should know if this movie is for you or not–this is top notch Bad Movie-ness with great fun action. MOVIES LIKE Kickboxer: Retaliation: For your Bad Movie Tuesday feature you should try more Van Damme movies! Especially Bloodsport (1988), Lionheart (1990), TimeCop (1994) and The Quest (1996). And let’s not dare forget Kickboxer (1989) and Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016). Want something a bit more “campy bad?” If that’s the case, try China O’Brien (1990), Outside the Law (2002), Night Vision (1997), Only the Strong (1993) or Mechanic: Resurrection (2016).
Writer (in part) and director Dimitri Logothetis (Slaughterhouse Rock, Body Shot, Wings of the Dragon)—who also produced Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016) and the upcoming Kickboxer: Armageddon—brings us a somehow even zanier sequel than we experienced with Vengeance. And I’m perfectly fine with that. This was a Bad Movie delight!
If you need to catch up on the latest Kickboxer sequel/reboot, check out Podcast Episode #79: JCVDVD, the unnecessary sequels Kickboxer: Vengeance and Hard Target 2 where we discuss Vengeance in detail.
This film is really trying to be good, but often feels like a videogame cliché scene we’d watch transitioning from the previous stage to the “big bad boss last guy.” We open with a dream sequence heavily stylized from its scoring to the tango—yep, I said tango. Before this sultry dance turns into an homage to The Matrix: Reloaded (2003), Kurt Sloane (Alain Moussi; Kickboxer: Vengeance, Pompei, The Day) fantasizes that someone will take his beloved Liu (Sara Malakul Lane; Kickboxer: Vengeance, Beyond the Gates, Shark Lake) from him. And now one may wonder how on Earth a sequel to a Van Damme reboot could fall into The Matrix: Reloaded (2003) territory. Well, how about some slick, well-dressed Euro-bad guys attacking Sloane with big-bladed yet short-handled, snazzy-looking axes along with guns and a sunglasses-wearing, leather-clad saucy minx lady Agent kung fu-fighting her way through Sloane’s Neo-lific flurry of effortless parries before they take the fight to a stormy downpouring battle atop this sleek speeding “Merovingian” luxury train (much like the Reloaded highway scene on the truck trailer mixed with the Neo vs Smith deluge face-off) with no apparent fear of keeping their balance. Yeah, it’s out there. But, let’s be honest. I was giggling the whole time.
And the fights? The choreography is crisp and often “good” but never as great as it is entertaining… not that Kickboxer (1989) ever boasted great technical choreography (and still it is beloved). It was all credibly executed, fun to watch and it included some slow-motion crashes through the surrounding break-away set design much as we’d enjoy in 80s-90s Jackie Chan (e.g., Rumble in the Bronx, SuperCop) and early 2000s Tony Jaa (e.g., The Protector, Ong-Bak) choreography.
Among the most amusing aspects of Vengeance and Retaliation is that Van Damme plays Master Durand, a character that serves as a placeholder for Kickboxer 1-3’s (1989, 1991, 1992) Master Xian (Dennis Chan; The Man with the Iron Fists)—who continued the (very bad) storyline by training Kurt Sloane’s brother David Sloan (Sasha Mitchell; Class of 1999 II, Step by Step), a storyline that persisted to a part 4 (1994) before thankfully disappeared into the video ether of the 90s. So, Van Damme has morphed into his 1989 trainer, to train a new present-day Kurt Sloane having no connection to the JCVD-Sloane story arc… although it clearly parallels.
As if poeting a love letter to Van Damme’s early work, a pair of US Marshals (one older and white, the other younger and black—like in Bloodsport) taser-zap Sloane and bring him to the deliciously slimy crime lord Thomas Moore (Christopher Lambert; Highlander 1-4, The Hunted, Mortal Kombat, Fortress, Beowulf). As a bad movie villain, Moore is perfectly terrible down to his black-on-black suit as he blackmails Sloane in a Thai prison cell sitting in a chair (that his henchmen clearly brought in) in the shadows and with hot lady servants at either side (because, you never know when you’ll need them, right?). Moore wants Sloane to defend the Death Match title he left unspoken for after he killed Tong Po (Dave Bautista in Kickboxer: Vengeance) and left Thailand for his MMA career. So now he wants him to fight the new champion: the 6’8” 400-pounder Mongkut (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson; Game of Thrones, World’s Strongest Man).
This may feel a little familiar after seeing Tony Jaa fighting the giant Nathan Jones in The Protector (2005), Jet Li fighting Dolph Lundgren in The Expendables (2010), or Scott Adkins fighting Martyn Ford in Boyka: Undisputed IV (2016). But, I don’t care. It’s fun watching little martial arts aces zipping around their Mighty Kong foes. And speaking of big tough guys, what is Mike Tyson (Ip Man 3, The Hangover I-II) doing here!?!?!
The Sloane-Briggs (Mike Tyson) fight is the most fun and playful action sequence, and I really enjoyed it. Briggs becomes an ally to train Sloane in boxing, he messes with Strongman Brian Shaw to practice fighting really big guys, and the now blind Master Durand (Jean-Claude Van Damme; Kickboxer: Vengeance, TimeCop, Bloodsport, The Expendables 2, Universal Solder: Day of Reckoning, Assassination Games) teaches him blind-fighting. It’s funny because any of these three guys seem better suited to fight Mongkut than Sloane, but they all work together to make him better.
About now I’d like to pause and assess some additional ways that we know this is a bad movie (as if it wasn’t yet obvious):
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Was that tango meant to homage True Lies (1994)? It was really just weird, and it didn’t hold a candle to Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis.
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How did the lady Agent on the train get tougher when she costume-changed into a sexy Mortal Kombat (1995) outfit? I mean, I’m not complaining. Just asking.
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So, all the Thai inmates attack Sloane… apparently because he killed Tong Po… whom, I’m guessing, the Thai prisoners liked. But even if they loved Tong Po and now hate Sloane, they still know that he killed Tong Po! So why are these idiots attacking him with their bare average-Joe hands!?!?!
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Sloan steals a prison guard’s cell phone and makes the calmest call in the history of wrongful incarcerations to tell his wife “I’ve been kidnapped. I’m in a prison in Bangkok.” I feel like most folks would be a bit stressed out by this. But not out hero!
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I’m just gonna’ come out and say it. There are way too many big non-Asian dudes in this prison. As if it was illegal to be jacked and American in Thailand. And what was with the bodybuilding nunchuck guy?
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Blind Van Damme can beat Tyson’s boxing and Lambert’s swordplay. How the Hell did he get bested by Moore in the first place?
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Mongkut just hangs out in a Rocky IV (1985) steroids lab that doubles as his gym and training center. Apparently, he is “four times Tong Po” (whatever that means) and was “bred from generations of fighters…” which really only makes sense if Moore is a centuries-old vampire.
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Sloane saw one of Moore’s henchmen in a dream he had in the opening sequence… before he ever met Moore or this goon. And then he sees another goon from the dream later (the lady Agent Smith). And another guy on a train from his dream! WTF? This movie is has made Sloane a psychic member of the X-Men.
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When Durand and Sloane go back to the Bangkok underground fight club, how does Sloane’s opponent’s carefully-gelled hair never get messed up as he’s being punched and kicked in the face repeatedly? Aaaaaand Moore let Sloane, and Master Durand, and his Asian lady swordsmanship trainer leave the prison and go to Bangkok with only one goon to watch over them! So, of course, they escape. Stupid. Just stupid.
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I wonder if any movies have this many professional Strong Men and UFC fighters.
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There is a low-speed motorboat chase and the undisputedly worst green-screened train-top scene EVER! Need I say more?
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Moore’s sex den concubines are actually bethonged yakuza assassins with glow-in-the-dark tattoos and they lead him into an Enter the Dragon (1973) mirror lair! WTF is this room even in Moore’s house!?!?! WTF is with those tattoos!?!?!
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Mongkut should have won the final fight about ten times in Round 1. But you know how it goes. They could get the kill shot, but instead they throw their arms in the air and gloat to the crowd. Stupid… this is actually a death match! It’s like Chong Li-Jackson all over again.
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Nok Soo Kow… back in 1989 those words were inspiring. Here they fall pretty flat and they were basically just chanting it because, well, this is Kickboxer part 6! #NokSooKowFAIL
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From the arm twists to the nut-punching, the final fight glimmers of Bloodsport’s Dux-sumo fight. Of course, this fight was way better.
The final fight is long (the entire third act), ridiculous, and wonderfully exciting! Mongkut is getting adrenaline shots between rounds to fuel a Hulk-smashing good time, and Sloane suffers numerous injuries that would rupture the chest cavity of most humans. It’s awesome!
As I mentioned earlier, this film is trying so hard. In fact, there might be enough action scenes (and many of them quite weird) to populate TWO Bad Movie Tuesday features. And while the technical combat isn’t as wowing as watching Donnie Yen, the action is quite satisfying as we watch Sloane work through one big tough bruiser after another. Think of this as more of a Fast and Furious franchise action movie with a far lower budget and a focus on death matches, and that’s pretty much what you’re in for here. Enjoy!
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The MFF Podcast #128: A Cure for Wellness, Gore Verbinkski’s gorgeous genre-splicing psychological horror.
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
SUMMARY: This week we discuss A Cure for Wellness (2016), Gore Verbinski’s ambitious and gorgeous film intermixing The Road to Wellville (1994) and Shutter Island (2010) with a dash of Frankenstein (1931). We explore how over-eating could defeat James Bond, along with the moral sensibilities of this film (and how you shouldn’t watch this with your mother), the link between eel-swallowing and mind control, the occasional impracticality of “obsession laboratory” lair architecture, and the stylings of Cronenbergian shock value in the film.
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999-2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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SPOILERS!!!!
SPOILERS!!!!
SPOILERS!!!!
I loved Avengers: Infinity Wars because it managed to pack 10 years worth of Marvel storytelling into a cohesive, funny, emotional, and overwhelming experience that demands multiple viewings and makes viewers ask many questions about what happens next. Instead of asking the obvious questions that have been written about ad nauseam, I came up with 10 questions that don’t matter much in regards to who lives or dies. These questions are supermundane and pointless but they do explore some unexplored questions that people (AKA me) might have.
Quick note: Make sure to listen to our Avengers: Infinity War podcast. It’s pretty great and I guarantee we’re the only people talking about Thanos eating half of a grouper sandwich.
1. Who Taught Thanos How to Box?
I know Thanos is a titan who has lived many years and fought many battles. However, if he was self-taught he could’ve learned some bad boxing habits that would make him look silly when battling someone who was his equal. Somebody must’ve taught him boxing skills (footwork, angles, combinations), and I’d love to know who got tasked with one of the worst jobs in the universe. Does Thanos spar lightly? Can you give Thanos advice? What happens when the speed bag gets the better of him? Are there heavy punching bags big enough for Thanos?
There are no clips of the fight, but when you watch it again make sure to look for all the things that Thanos does right while fighting.
Thanos can fight – pic credit.
2. What Does Red Skull Do In His Downtime?
Red Skull has a lot of downtime and I wonder how he keeps himself entertained on Vormir. I know he learned how to access the powerful Soul Stone but he can’t obtain it which must be incredibly frustrating. Thus, he is stuck on a desolate planet with an Infinity Stone taunting him at all moments. Has he mastered yoga? Does he jog? How many people has he taken to the Soul Stone? Are there books on Vormir?
Is there booze on Vormir?
3. Do Chaperones Hate Peter Parker?
I feel terrible for any high school chaperone or bus driver who has to keep tabs on Peter Parker. The kid can disappear at any moment and it looks really bad for a teacher/driver when one of their charges has vanished. Also, what happens when all the kids on the bus in Avengers: Infinity War realize Peter is gone? I know they have more important issues but his disappearances have become a bit of a pattern.
Poor guy had a terrible time keeping up with Peter in Spiderman: Homecoming.
4. What Is Justin Hammer Up To?
Justin Hammer would be no help when battling Thanos but I still like the guy and think he would add some levity to all the death. I know that he is still in the maximum security Seagate Prison and has zero chance of escape because he isn’t that clever and seemed quite content when we saw him last. The best bet for him to see the light of day is after Thanos snaps his finger and 50% of the people disappear. He could capitalize on the confusion and walk out of the prison when everyone is justifiably freaking out. Then, I hope he teams up with Trever Slattery (Iron Man 3 – Ben Kingsley is the best), and they form a weird criminal partnership that annoys The Avengers after they help them defeat Thanos.
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5. Could Thanos See Drax When He is Standing Still
I was very impressed with the stillness that Drax achieve’s when he puts his mind to it. I love that he can stay still for an hour and nobody notices (not that they were looking). It would be awesome to see if he could trick Thanos into thinking there wasn’t a 6’5 muscular behemoth in close proximity? Drax blends in really well into his surroundings and I’m thinking the best way to defeat Thanos is by a Drax surprise attack that was hours in the making.
He does blend in well.
6. Did They Make a Joke About Thanos and his Floating Throne?
Many jokes have been made about how Thanos never left his floating chair in Guardians of the Galaxy. The dude seemed totally comfy in his floating rock throne and because of this he never came across as threatening, powerful or proactive. That all changed in Avengers: Infinity War when he kicked everyone’s butt and proved himself to be a wrecking machine capable of pulling a 10-7 round on The Hulk (see above boxing). There is a moment in Avengers: Infinity War when he is in his spaceship with the recently kidnapped Gomora and she says “I always hated that chair.” Is that a joke about the floating chair? Did directors Joe and Anthony Russo really take a dig at his love of chairs? If so, I love it.
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7. What is Peter Quill’s Current Zune Playlist?
I’m sure that Quill is still jamming out to the two Awesome Mixes, but the Zune must’ve opened up his world to some brand new music. Here are five songs I think he would love.
- Slow Ride – Foghat
- Take on Me – a-ha
- Down Under – Men at Work
- Don’t Stop Believing – Journey
- Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns & Roses
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8. What is Eltri up to now?
I feel really bad for Eltri (Peter Dinklage) because he is all alone on Nidavellier and has nothing to do. I guess he could keep forging sweet weapons, but I doubt he will be making them all willy-nilly after Thanos attacked and killed all his people. How do you keep yourself busy when you are alone and mourning the death of your friends?
(Photo by C Flanigan/Getty Images)
The dude is gonna be bored and sad.
9. Will Wong Go to Tony Stark’s Wedding?
I sure hope he does. If the wedding happens, I’m expecting Tony to send Wong an invite (with a +1) that hopefully doesn’t ask him to perform magic tricks at the reception. I do think it would be awesome to see the Beyonce-loving-Wong, DJ’ing Tony’s reception because I’m certain Dr. Strange got him into music.
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10. Will Tony Help Nebula With Upgrades?
I really hope Nebula is the one to kill Thanos because he is responsible for ripping her body apart and turning her into a homicidal killer (who got better) who has probably killed thousands of people (which she might regret). She has suffered for too long and it would be awesome if Tony set her up with a sweet suit that could give her the upper hand on the weakened titan. How cool would it be if a super-suited Nebula beats the living sh*t out of Thanos, saves the galaxy and brings everyone back?
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What random Avengers: Infinity War questions do you have?
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MY CALL: Dario Argento’s classic witch movie is hardly a witch movie at all… but, wow, the man could cultivate great atmosphere! MORE MOVIES LIKE Suspiria: For more ballerina horror, consider the psychological thriller Black Swan (2010). For more bewitched films, check out the “sidebar” below.
Newcomer ballerina Suzy (Jessica Harper; Suspiria 2018 remake) attends a strict German ballet academy to find that not all is as it seems. Something sinister is afoot, and her roommate (Stefania Casini; Blood for Dracula) is eager to help her solve the mystery.
Writer (in part) and director Dario Argento (Mother of Tears, Phenomena) relies tremendously on atmosphere, heavily utilizing greens, blues and reds in the set design, wardrobe and lighting to augment the mood. The sets are gorgeous, the dancers are catty (and also gorgeous) and the characters represent exaggerated stereotypes… although perhaps not so exaggerated for the 70s. The acting may feel a bit rigid, at times, while delivering an often over-explanatory script. But not in a way that affected my enjoyment of the film.
With my contemporary eyes, I’m not impressed with the clunky execution of the death scenes. Retractable knives just don’t do it for me and, while quaint, the visual of a victim being stabbed directly in the heart through a hole in her sternum didn’t really nail it either. But Argento had a flare for drama, and the post-mortem shots were appropriately macabre.
I was particularly fond of the opening death when the bystander was impaled by large pieces of glass and window framing from the ceiling. However, quite to the contrary, the bewitched murderous dog scene was just okay and I was completely unmoved by the maggot infestation scene. But, again, I’m watching with 2018 eyes, having seen perhaps 1000 horror movies released after 1977. So, there’s that. And when have maggots ever really been done well except for The Lost Boys (1985)?
We find ourselves asking a lot of questions like where did all the maggots come from? Where do the instructors go at night? Why is Madame Blanc (Joan Bennett; Dark Shadows) so pushy about where the dancers sleep? Why did it take so long for the killer to jimmie open that lock and why the Hell was that floor filled feet deep with wire coils? Yeah, some questions are weirder than others.
Everything builds to a rather anticlimactic, generally unsatisfying and completely unresolved (yet still over-explained) ending featuring no stronger special effects or urgency than earlier in the film. Truly, the film’s greatest assets were the least dramatic: Udo Kier (Blade, Flesh for Frankenstein) making his least melodramatic appearance ever, and Barbara Magnolfi (The Sister of Ursula) as the deliciously catty ballerina. Let’s face it, this sorcerous school is no Hogwarts.
Dare I say it, but this beloved classic felt… boring. Yeah, I said it. But honestly, most “classic” horror bores me—like the original Halloween (1978). My enjoyment in these films (and, yes, I do enjoy them despite my criticism) is seeing how tropes were utilized back then, before themes were yet overused; their early iterations that inspired the films to come and the concepts that would be copied, honored, or simply ripped off by their successors. So, for me, watching Suspiria feels like taking a snazzy horror film appreciation class. And, even if boring, I appreciated it for that.
Witch Movie SIDEBAR: Some excellent witch movies that actually feel like witch movies include Warlock (1989), Warlock 2: The Armageddon (1993), The Witch (2016; podcast discussion) and The Witches of Eastwick (1987). Beautiful Creatures (2013) and The Woods (2006) may appeal to young adult audiences. But I would sooner direct you to Hocus Pocus (1993), The Witches (1990) and The Craft (1996). I’m leaving Harry Potter out of this discussion, by the way. Fantasy sorcery (Willow, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice) and wizardry (The Lord of the Rings) is to be considered its own thing entirely.
The campy The Kiss (1988), Spellbinder (1988), Necromancer (1988), Necropolis (1987) and Cherry Tree (2015) are entertaining but bad. And speaking of campy, Superstition (1982) and The Haunting of Morella (1990) are allegedly witch movies but don’t feel like it. But even if you want a bad movie, definitely skip Witchcraft (1989) and all sequels.
The dark noir Lord of Illusions (1995) is intriguingly edgy and, while more a “magic movie” than a “witch movie,” it hits a lot of the same dark arcane notes. And, of course, The Blair Witch Project (1999) and Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) were awesomely stylized in their own unique ways despite never actually showing us a witch—at least, not until Blair Witch (2016). Check out Pumpkinhead (1988) for a great depiction of a witch, though it’s not a “witch movie.” Meanwhile Deadtime Stories (1986) and The Theater Bizarre (2011) features a pretty cool witch short story, and The Pit and the Pendulum (1991) addresses witch trials.
Witches can come in so many flavors, can’t they? Lords of Salem (2013) and Mother of Tears (2007) deal with witches’ spirits in the form of dark ritual and possession. Quite the opposite, Snow White and the Huntsman (2012), The Last Witch Hunter (2015; podcast discussion) and Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) offer action and effects-driven popcorn fun—Season of the Witch (2011) attempted this, but failed miserably. But the witch from The Brothers Grimm (2005) was pretty cool.
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Paul Shipper does some legit work
With the fourth upon us, I felt it was necessary to do a deep dive into the nine Star Wars films in an effort to give you some random data. This data won’t change the galaxy, but if you’ve been reading my stuff for some time you know that I love compiling random data and sharing it with the world. The following covers lightsaber screentime, the evolution of the prequels, and if the amount of time spent in space affects critical/audience reaction.
- Time in space = If you step outside you will most certainly die horribly.
- Time on land/terrestrial planet = If you step outside you will be welcomed with glorious oxygen.
Here is the amount of time the nine movies spent in space and on land.
- Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace – 22 (space)/ 104 (land) – minutes
- Star Wars: Episode II – The Attack of the Clones – 8 / 123
- Star Wars: Episode III – The Revenge of the Sith – 33 / 102
- Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope – 65 / 53
- Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back – 29 / 94
- Star Wars: Episode VI – The Return of the Jedi – 40 / 85
- Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens – 33 / 95
- Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi – 74 / 68
- Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – 27 / 99
Quick note: There is no causation/correlation here. However, I think the results are neat because there are some patterns that emerge. Also, I was surprised at how little time the prequels spent in space.
Interesting Facts:
- The movies with the highest Tomatometer rating and IMDb User Scores in the three trilogies (Empire Strikes Back, Revenge of the Sith, The Force Awakens) spend roughly 25% of their time in space.
- A New Hope and The Last Jedi spend more time in space (than on a planet) and they have a higher combined Tomatometer average (92%) than the movies that spend more time on land (78.8%). Also, Luke drinks gross milk in both movies
- The two films (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones) that feature the least amount of “space-time” have the lowest Tomatometer scores (55%, 66%). It’s kinda bonkers that Attack of the Clones only spends eight minutes in space.
The gladiator battle in Attack of the Clones was kind of cool.
I also found out some cool data points on lightsaber usage
- Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace – 8 minutes
- Star Wars: Episode II – The Attack of the Clones – 14 minutes
- Star Wars: Episode III – The Revenge of the Sith – 21 minutes
- Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope – 5 minutes
- Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back – 5 minutes
- Star Wars: Episode VI – The Return of the Jedi – 7 minutes
- Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens – 5 minutes
- Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi – 4.75 minutes
- Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – 33 seconds
Revenge of the Sith went big with its lightsaber battles and has the highest critic/audience score of the prequels
Quick note: Ed Mahon (Flipsidepa) did some solid work compiling the lightsaber time of the first six films. I counted the rest of the time
- Revenge of the Sith features the most lightsaber usage of any of the prequels and has the highest Tomatometer score (79%). Return of the Jedi features the most lightsaber usage in the original trilogy and has the lowest Tomatometer score (80%)
- The four lowest-rated movies (Phantom, Clones, Sith, Return) feature the most lightsaber screen time. I know the prequels are responsible for this stat but it is still surprising that the more you show a lightsaber the lower the critical score.
Prequel Data
- The good news for Solo is the Tomatometer scores and IMDb User Scores for the four prequels have risen with each installment (55%, 66%, 79%, 85% and 6.5, 6.6, 7.6, 7.8))
- The bad news for Solo is the prequels have a much lower Tomatometer average (71.25) and IMDb User Score (7.125) than the non-prequel movies (90.2% / 8.2)
I am really excited for Solo
Random Data that involves Han Solo
- The five movies that feature a variation of a “Death Star/Planet” have a higher Tomatometer average (86%) than the movies that don’t feature giant planet killers (76.5%)
- Star Wars movies that feature sea/lake/water beasts (New Hope, Phantom Menace, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi) have a higher Tomatometer average (83.25%) than the movies that feature very large monsters (Attack of the Clones, Return of the Jedi, Empire Strikes Back) that try to eat our heroes (80%). I wrote this because of the massive tentacle thing in the Solo trailer.
- Movies that feature terrible things happening to Han (Empire Strikes Back, Force Awakens) have a 93.5% average.
- Movies that originally featured Jabba the Hut (Phantom Menace, Return of the Jedi) have the lowest scores in each trilogy.
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There you have it! A whole lot of Star Wars data for you on May the fourth. Hopefully, you can use this data to “wow” your friends and provide some interesting talking points while you are waiting in line for Solo.
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The MFF Podcast #127: Avengers: Infinity War
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The MFF podcast is back and we’re talking about the superhero epic Avengers: Infinity War. The fantastic movie was 10 years in the making and we loved that it pulled off a Triple Lindy, stuck the landing, and left viewers clamoring for more. In this podcast, you will hear us wax poetic about Peter Quill being a punk, Tony Stark being the best, and if Drax was successful in his invisible antics. There was a lot to cover and we did our best to touch on everything while answering intense questions like “Will Thanos become a sex symbol?”
Photo: Chuck Zlotnick..©Marvel Studios 2018
I loved the pairing of Tony Stark and Dr. Strange.
As always, we answer random listener questions and discuss Thanos eating a grouper sandwich. If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Podbean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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Hostiles is an uncompromisingly bleak film that manages to find beauty in several powerful scenes. Director Scott Cooper (Into the Furnace, Crazy Heart) has crafted a memorable vision that is full of beautiful vistas, brutal death, and committed performers. As the film wanders headlong into violence there are welcome doses of hurt/hope that I found to be refreshing because I liked the flawed characters and could tell the actors inhabiting them relished their moments to monologue, shed tears or dig graves with their hands. The cast is stacked (Christian Bale, Rosamund Pike, Wes Studi, Adam Beach, Q’orianka Kilcher, Scott Wilson, Rory Cochrane, Stephen Lang, Jesse Plemons, Ben Foster, Timothee Chalamet) and if you are a movie nerd like me you will dig The New World and 3:10 to Yuma reunions.
Hostiles is a meditative character study that relies on silence and the occasional outburst of violence that was common in the western states in 1892. The film opens with a group of “snake” Comanches perpetrating a brutal attack on a family of homesteaders and killing everyone except the mother/wife Roselee (Rosamund Pike – always good). The isolation of the cabin and the sudden attack of the Comanches creates a bleak world that just keeps getting bleaker as the story unfolds.
The core story revolves a bigoted Captain named Joseph Blocker (Christian Bale – great mustache) being tasked with escorting his former nemesis Chief Yellow Hawk (Wes Studi) and his family back to his former tribal lands in Montana. After being imprisoned for many years, Yellow Hawk’s health is failing and his request to be buried on his tribal land gets picked up by the press and government officials and given the utmost importance in an effort to develop a kinder narrative between the army and Native Americans. Blocker is not happy about the assignment, but when threatened with a court-martial he assembles a team of loyal soldiers and new recruits who will most certainly be tested during the journey.
The mustache is legit.
The caravan is soon joined by the incredibly distraught Roselee who has been living in the burnt down remnants of her home and caring for her dead daughters (very bleak). She is initially frightened of Yellow Hawk and his family but as the journey progresses she becomes close to the family and it leads to more bleakness. What follows is a movie that isn’t afraid to add layers to its characters and then kill them quickly. It all builds to a powerful final scene that somehow manages to create hope for characters who probably never thought they’d have a life after what they’ve seen and done.
Hostiles is a tough film to watch but I loved the cinematography, meditative pacing, and performances. You should give it a watch.
Movies, Films & Flix 