John’s Horror Corner: Fright Night 2 (2013), a non-sequel filled with bloody boobs paying no proper homage to the 1985 original or the 2011 remake.
MY CALL: Not at all a sequel, rather this reimagining relies on our love of the original Fright Night (1985) while offering a new perspective to our vamp’s origins. Not very good, but moderately entertaining. MORE MOVIES LIKE Fright Night 2: Well, you should really see Fright Night (1985) and Fright Night II (1988). Maybe even the Fright Night (2011) remake, which offers a lot in the way of cast performance but little in the way of satisfying effects.
Director Eduardo Rodriguez (Stash House, El Gringo) does not get off to a promising start. After a very “direct-to-video” opening vampire sequence, we meet a class of college students studying abroad in Romania. Among them are Charley Brewster (Will Payne), his ex-girlfriend Amy (Sacha Parkinson), and his rude friend Evil Ed (Chris Waller; The Sleeping Room, Inbred).
If, at this point, you feel a glimmer of hope that this will continue the story of 2011’s Fright Night, you’d be wrong. This is not Charley’s continued story after surviving 2011’s undead events in Las Vegas. These are totally unrelated characters of the same names or, in alternate perspective, they are the same characters in a different universe reliving a “similar” chain of events as our much better casts did in 1985, 1988 and 2011. In other words, this is really in no way a sequel. More a reimagining. And, as such, a most unwowing Peter Vincent (Sean Power) now hosts a reality Monster Hunters TV show and Gerri Dandridge (Jaime Murray; Dexter, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena) is a female Romanian professor of European Art History who engages in lesbian vampire sex scenes that feel more gratuitous than in the sexual spirit of vampirism.
This movie echoes some of the iconic scenes of the original Fright Night (1985)—e.g., Charley’s neighborly voyeurism and Ed’s encounters with the main characters. Our Gerri, much as 1985’s Chris Sarandon, also takes every opportunity to let Charley live…although I can’t surmise why until it is blatantly explained to Amy (and the audience) in the form of some needlessly elaborate “vampire blood prophecy malarkey” shoehorned through the characters’ mouths. And speaking of malarkey, blood and boobs is the name of the game here. There are silly over-dramatizations, drippy baths of blood, a heavy dose of gratuitous nudity, some messy blood spurts, nonsensically long strip club scenes, a montage of Charley freaking out, and a vampire battle royale as our “prophecy” unfolds before our lobotomized eyes.
We learn that Bram Stoker’s Dracula was a mix of Elizabeth Bathory and Vlad the Impaler. Gerri’s play on Bathory was obviously nothing to the historic The Countess (2009)—which was much classier than the blood-soaked boobs of this non-sequel—but Gerri (and Jaime Murray’s performance) remains the best aspect of this movie. The coolest parts involved her abilities to shadow walk (as in Subspecies and Bram Stoker’s Dracula) and using her bat affinity for sonar (which I don’t even think I’ve seen in a vampire movie before). She looked sleek and sexy and, not that it’s a bad thing, but her vamp style reminded of 30 Days of Night (2007) or Blade (1998). The most redeeming scene (in its entirety) of the film was actually its comic-style animation flashback explaining her origins.
Most other critical elements failed. All dialogue in Evil Ed’s scenes were bad, the action largely sucked (and I don’t know why there were so many “fight scenes”), the CGI was obvious (an intestinal explosion and a gooey melting scene), Ed’s fake fangs were so bulky it muffled his speech, and the gore make-up (an eye gauge and Evil Ed’s melted pizza face) was really just so-so most of the time. I guess they tried…it just wasn’t really enough for me.
Although Gerri’s final transformation was moderately entertaining…and, for some reason, the latex monster had demon boobs! Like an alien demon beast (that could have been from any random movie)… with no clothes…and boobs! What’s with this movie and boobs? LOL.
Yes…like it or not, you see this thing’s boobs.
This movie had so much nudity (for a sequel to a mainstream movie, anyway), it’s trailer should have just been blood-speckled boobs and Gerri being a sleek badass. This “non-sequel” is dumb. The premise was wasted on this reimagining and should have been used for a more serious standalone vampire film rather than a direct-to-video sequel (that really isn’t a sequel) of a remake. And while a few scenes and depictions actually had some heart, they were surrounded by so much drivel they were easily forgotten in the wake of eye-rolling stupidity.
But, hey. Loads of boobs, blood and badness mean that you could make a solid Bad Movie Tuesday evening with your friends. To be fair, knowing this movie is awful is the best way to enjoy it.
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Boyka: Undisputed IV (2016), basically Scott Adkins versus a giant hulking monster.
MY CALL: This (along with part III) isn’t a very good sequel; the story isn’t good and the writing sucks. But we do get MORE ADKINS AS BOYKA, and I’m pretty sure that’s all we really wanted. MORE MOVIES LIKE Boyka: Undisputed IV: Well, you should absolutely Undisputed (2002) and the sequels all the way through Undisputed III (2010), but part II (introducing Adkins as Boyka) was by far the best. I’d also recommend most other Adkins movies referenced herein as well as Blood and Bone (2009).
Ever since we first met Scott Adkins (Doctor Strange, Ninja: Shadow of a Tear, The Expendables 2, Universal Solder: Day of Reckoning, El Gringo, Assassination Games, Hard Target 2) and his flair for technical stunts and martial arts fight choreography, we’ve wanted to see him in more significant action movie roles. The last several years have been kind to Adkins’ fans, but we all still wanted more of the role that truly made him famous: BOYKA!
After killing a fighter in the ring, Boyka (Scott Adkins) seeks to redeem himself by paying off his dead opponent’s widow’s (Teodora Duhovnikova) debts to a Russian gangster by agreeing to three profitable organized fights.
Director Todor Chapkanov doesn’t have much experience at the helm and it shows. The frame rate makes Boyka look too fast to look credible (Adkins is fast enough on his own) and the photography isn’t exactly top notch. On top of that, the dialogue is terrible and loaded with soap operatic melodrama…and did you know that apparently everyone in the Ukraine and Russia speaks English all the time? Don’t even get me started on this plot. But what this director does right is he gives us more of Adkins as Boyka. And no matter what general filmmaking flaws surround him, Adkins knows how to please his fans!
Adkins continues to deliver his trademark stunts featured in long shots featuring upwards of ten techniques between cuts—the way martial arts should be filmed. His fights are varied and abundant and this highly unrealistic movie builds to when Boyka is forced to fight Koshmar (Martyn Ford), a 6’8” monstrosity of tattoos, muscle and rage. Unfortunately, there’s basically no build-up to this crescendo. It just sort of feels like “the next fight” in a series of fights—maybe with less anticipation than the other fights as well. This “final fight” happens after what Boyka thought was the “final fight” and yet it hardly seems to matter. Again, the writing and direction were not exactly awesome.
Waddya think? Same weight class, right?
Watching Koshmar fight is akin to Nathan Jones in The Protector (2005); a brutal, hulking, smashing menace. But the fight doesn’t last very long and his best trick seems to be being huge. For some reason Boyka defeats this beast faster than any of his other opponents…I guess it’s because he literally had a plane to catch.
In the end, this “movie experience” paled in comparison to Undisputed 2 (2006). Maybe it was the novelty of it all back then. But this movie is still a lot of fun and a satisfying ride for Adkins fans. I love watching him do 540s and 720s and throwing three kicks in one jump. I could watch it all day.
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John’s Horror Corner: Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012), not quite the worst of this hillbilly horror franchise.
MY CALL: Not the worst of the franchise, but nearly so. Yet this remains watchable for those seeking some guilty pleasures in the form of boobs, gore and uninspired kills. Watch this for fun, not for “horror.” MORE MOVIES LIKE Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines: Well, of course, you need to go back to Wrong Turn (2003; the best one), maybe Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007; more silly but fun), but probably skip Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) and go straight to Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011; the best of the sequels). More to try include The Hills Have Eyes 1-2 (1977, 1984, 2006, 2007), Just Before Dawn (1981), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), Hatchet (2006) and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) will all continue to satisfy the hillbilly horror subgenre, and then maybe Cabin Fever 1-3 (2002-2014) for the gore hounds.
Director Declan O’Brien (Cyclops, Sharktopus, Wrong Turn 3-5) returns for his third Wrong Turn sequel featuring our favorite inbred hillbilly cannibals: Three Finger (Borislav Iliev; Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead), One Eye (Radoslav Parvanov; Undisputed 2-3, Wrong Turn 6) and Sawtooth (George Karlukovski; El Gringo). We open with wretched dialogue, a graphic sex scene, and an opening kill that just continues to never live up to that of Dead End (2007); basically, O’Brien’s sequel staples.
This time our cadre of horny vacationing college students are attending the Mountain Man Festival on Halloween in West Virginia. It’s quite like Burning Man, but with a bunch of buffoons dressed up as inbred, mutant, cannibal hillbillies.
The writing, story and dialogue were all pornishly bad. And boasting 3-4 heavy-moaning sex scenes, the lecherousness makes the nudity from the Night of the Demons 1-2 (1988, 1994) almost feel classy. Really feeling forced and rather out of nowhere is the new addition to the family. Our cannibal brothers’ father Maynard is probably among Doug Bradley’s (Hellraiser 1-8) lesser roles.
The action/violence was terrible and the special effects were pretty weak, with most of the blood spurts being CGI. The majority of death scenes were forgettably poor (even the electrocution, sigh), including some of the most lackluster disembowelments of the franchise—although, the Jigsaw-esque “car trap” disembowelment was pretty good, mostly for the humor of the victim’s lover trying to shove the bloody intestines back into him! Credit would also be due for the leg-hammering scene—just brutal a la Misery (1990). Lastly, the lawnmower death scene was okay; somewhat funny along with some good chunky-sloppy gore.
Were I to order the Wrong Turn movies from best to worst, I’d say 1-4-2-5-3, with a big gap between 4 and 2. Somehow Declan O’Brien nailed it with part 4 (still smutty, but the best kills from parts 3-5) and just couldn’t reproduce it. Perhaps an issue of budget…? No clue. I was especially disappointed by the stage-y town set design—the last third of the movie takes place in the sheriff’s office and the street outside.
The writing might be terrible, yet this sequel manages to entertain without much regret. You’ll feel more fun (or tedium) than fear. But this could make for a great Bad Movie Tuesday if you’re looking for some gory laughs.
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John’s Horror Corner: Burying the Ex (2014), a horror comedy RomCom zombedy about an undead love triangle.
MY CALL: More cute and funny than gory, and boasting zero scares, this is more a RomCom Zombedy than horror. It’s breezy and entertaining, but nothing I’d recommend buying unless you’re a big Yelchin or Daddario fan. MORE MOVIES LIKE Burying the Ex: Death Becomes Her (1992) is the first thing that comes to mind. For more solidly gross horror comedy in general try Critters (1986), Leprechaun (1993), Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009), Piranha 3D (2010), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Final Destination 5 (2011), Piranha 3DD (2012), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Warm Bodies (2013), Smothered (2014), Housebound (2014), Zombeavers (2014), The Voices (2014), He Never Died (2015), Cooties (2015), Ava’s Possessions (2015), The Final Girls (2015), What We Do in the Shadows (2015), Krampus (2015; not exactly comedy, but occasionally hilarious), Love in the Time of Monsters (2015), Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015), Deathgasm (2015) and The Greasy Strangler (2016).
Max (Anton Yelchin; Fright Night, Odd Thomas, Green Room) is an omnivorous horror fan living with his girlfriend Evelyn (Ashley Greene; The Apparition, The Twilight Saga) who seems to be his polar opposite, a vegan ecophile who thinks horror is a waste of time. So, imagine our glee when she dies!
But what’s worse than moving in with the wrong girl? Well, for Max it’s wishing you’ll always be together in front of some Monkey Paw-ing relic.
Director Joe Dante (Gremlins 1-2, Piranha, The Howling) has mixed horror and comedy before, but now he brings us more of a HorrorRomCom (…HorRomCom?) following the Death Becomes Her (1992) playbook as Max finds himself caught between his recently undead girlfriend and a lovely horror-themed ice cream parlor owner (Alexandra Daddario; Texas Chainsaw 3D, True Detective).
I wish the dialogue was better, but the cast faired rather well with it anyway. Yelchin is likable as always, Daddario is a bubbly meet-cute delight, Oliver Cooper (Project X) delivers the comic relief and Greene seems to embrace her quirky, decaying role.
As RomCom-y as this gets, we still have some gross moments: the embalming fluid projectile vomit, a wicked neck break, some putridly gooey kiss slime and, of course, some zombie attacks. The zombie attacks are few, but they are awesome fun with some gory flare.
Just be aware, this HorRomCom (…or is it a Zombedy, or a HorRomZomedy?) is more about the humor and story than it is about anything horrorific. Loads of cute giggles, not much gore.
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John’s Horror Corner: Stephen King’s It (1990), reflecting on the TV-PG original before seeing the R-rated 2017 remake.
MY CALL: More interesting than scary, this is a horror movie for young beginners still very green to the genre. Hard to recommend outside of nostalgia or just for the sake of witnessing Curry’s own Pennywise. MORE MOVIES LIKE It: For more movie adaptations based on Stephen King’s books and other work, try Creepshow (1982), Cujo (1983), Needful Things (1993), The Night Flier (1997) or Pet Sematary (1989), to name a few. If it’s evil clowns you desire then there is only one absolute: Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988). If you simply enjoyed the band of young misfits facing evil, try the Netflix Original series Stranger Things. And, for those who like creepy hauntings of our inner demons, try the very dark Flatliners (1990; which also has a 2017 remake).
In 1960, a group of pre-teen friends face an evil demon posing as a clown only to reunite 30 years later when It returns to their hometown. Mixing flashbacks with present day, these kids lose loved ones, are haunted by those they’ve lost, and are taunted by an evil that senses their worst fears.
The cast includes Jonathan Brandis (The NeverEnding Story II, Stepfather II), John Ritter (Bride of Chucky, Stay Tuned), Seth Green (Idle Hands, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and Annette O’Toole (Smallville, Cat People). They all do about as well as they can with the scripts they were given, and deliver some dry lines with much passion. At times it’s a bit exhausting, other times redeeming.
Pennywise the clown (Tim Curry; Legend, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Congo) is the strongest suit of the film. With his raspy villainous voice, Curry brings a Billy Goats Gruff menace with his emphatic eyes warning of foul machinations. Most alarming is that we understand how young Georgie was fooled by his façade however clearly evil It may have been to adult eyes.
The blood splatters, creature effects and supernatural horrors aren’t really scary. Outside of Pennywise (i.e., Curry’s performance), the horror elements are very weak although numerous. I find them more like Are You Afraid of the Dark (1990-2000); a young adult-esque creep factor. But what the film lacks in horror, it compensates with youthful drama in such a manner that I would consider this a good horror movie for beginners—younger beginners. Of course, this was made for TV. But that is no excuse for the often hokey and not infrequently soap operatic dialogue guiding us through heavy-handed exposition and naïve melodrama. Although, I’ve got to give credit where it’s due. The “surprise kiss” scene was really eerie, the “Georgie-Pennywise sewer drain” scene remains iconic, and I enjoyed the historical snippets that piece together Pennywise’s local history.
You’ll find mild influences from Stand By Me (1986) and some film stylings from the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise (1984-1988). There’s even a bit of a Goonies-like comradery among our protagonists as they encounter one bizarre event after another.
The randomness of the special effects-driven scenes feels a bit haphazard (e.g., the fortune cookie scene, the battle in the sewer, the balloons in the bookstore, the Pennywise dog attack), and then crescendos in a lackluster finale when—BIG SPOILER HERE—our protagonists fight a giant spider monster (combination of stop-motion and animatronics)—END BIG SPOILER. Our heroes put faith in slingshots and magical inhalers and, well, I found it all silly…maybe even just plain dumb. Meh.
Director Tommy Lee Wallace (Fright Night Part II, Halloween III: Season of the Witch) delivered It in a three-hour two-part TV mini-series whose elements span all manner of quality. I felt the first 80-90 minutes (part 1 if you have the old VHS set) was far superior to the second half, but not without its aforementioned faults.
There are basically two reasons to watch the original It: 1) you want to compare the remake’s Pennywise to Tim Curry’s original; or 2) pure nostalgia. I fear its “TV-ness” and young adult style (which is quite immature by today’s YA standards) is just too pervasively flawed to recommend to horror fans who didn’t grow up with it. But still, this isn’t a bad adaptation overall. It just caters to a younger, less horrorsperienced crowd. Almost like a horror movie for “family movie night.”
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MFF Special: Which Horror Villain Could Make it From NYC to San Francisco the Quickest?
Have you ever stayed awake at night and wondered how long the creature from It Follows would need to catch Jessie and Celine during their Before Sunrise adventure? I sure have. Since writing a post about that would be kinda insane I decided to find out which horror villains could make the trip from New York City to San Francisco (2.927 driving, 2,923 walking, 6 hour flight) the quickest.
Here is the setup. An unfortunate soul annoys the villains while at JFK Airport (or in the case of Jaws, beforehand). The person flies to San Francisco and the villains decide to see who can make it the fastest.
I decided to leave Freddy Kreuger (Nightmare on Elm Street), Pinhead (Hellraiser), Candyman (Candyman), Azazel (Fallen) and The Red Lipstick Demon (Insidious) out of it because it would be too easy for them. They can get you wherever you are via evil wizardry and they wouldn’t need to hitchhike, swim across continents or walk massive distances. I also didn’t want to be redundant so I’ve left out multiple villains because their journey would be too similar to others.
Finally, I didn’t think certain villains would have a chance to make a cross country trip. For example:
- Stripe (Gremlins) – If a gremlin made a cross country trip it would end with a gremlin apocalypse.
- The Firefly Family (Devil’s Rejects) – They would just kill people at every pit stop and eventually get shot.
- The Exorcist demon – It just chills in bed.
- Ghostface (Scream(s)) – Ghostface is way too clumsy and would get into too many accidents
- The Hills Have Eyes folk – If you ever made a trip to NYC they wouldn’t dare leave because it took too long to save up.
11. Crawlers – (The Descent)
Total time: 132.8 days
The Descent is one of my favorite horror films so I had to add the subterranean murder machines into the mix. The only problem is that they have to travel at night and during this time of the year, they’d only have 6.5 hours of travel time (5.5 moving + 1 for hour eating) because they would need to find a comfy place to not get sunburned and find things to eat. I think they could cover four miles an hour (caves aren’t great for cardio) and total 22 miles a day.
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10. The Saw Tricycle Puppet (Saw)
Total Time: 71.21 Days
Let’s say that somehow the puppet from Saw came alive and decided to chase somebody cross country on a tricycle. I’m assuming the possessed creature doesn’t sleep, therefore if it moves at the very slow pace of 41.1 miles a day (35 minute-mile because of slow uphill time) and most certainly annoys many drivers. Normally, I’d assume that tricycles can go much faster. However, after watching the clips the thing is never in a hurry and is not very mobile, so I feel good predicting the snail’s pace.
9. Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
Total time: 41.31 Days
Jason Voorhees moves very slowly but he would never stop to eat or sleep. The only problem is he would make a quick stop at Camp Crystal Lake in New Jersey (70.8 miles) then head to San Francisco (2,904 miles). Thus, if he sauntered at a leisurely 20 minute mile pace, spent a day killing campers, and didn’t end up in outer space he would make it to San Francisco in a respectful 41 days.
Jason does not move quickly.
8. Graboid (Tremors)
Total time: 33.81 Days
Let’s forgo the logical and just pretend that a Graboid was in New York City and somebody pissed it off. It would take a good amount of time for a 20-foot creature to navigate through the concrete jungle and make its way to the massive hiking trail in Washington D.C. called the American Discovery Trail (238 miles). From there I believe the creature could move along the 4,834-mile trail at a pretty decent speed and average 15 miles per hour for 10 hours a day. There will be some obstacles but if the creature can trick humans then I think it could navigate the occasional concrete wall.
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7. Jaw’s nephew? (Jaws 4: The Revenge)
Total time: 17.3 Days
If the shark moves at the same speed that it did in Jaws 4: The Revenge (16.58 miles per hour) then it could cover the 6,900-mile trip pretty quickly. I’m assuming it wouldn’t take too much time off, and sleep wouldn’t happen. The only stops it would make are for a quick bite of fisherman, salmon or scuba tanks.
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6. Critters (Critters)
Total time – 16.2 days
Imagine sitting at a stop light and seeing a ball of critters rolling past you at 15 MPH. Here is how I see the Critters journey playing out. The critters would form a massive ball of death and roll for 10 hours a day at 15 MPH. They would need some sleeping time and when they disband from the ball I bet it would take forever to organize them back into the sphere of death. If they were more organized they would make better time but in the end, they would make 150 miles per day.
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5. The Blob (The Blob)
Total Time – 6 days
The Blob’s journey is very straightforward. It would move at a maximum of 20 MPH and have no need to slow down for prey. It would just roll over pedestrians and have plenty of chances to fuel itself.
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4. The Wicked Witch (The Wizard of Oz)
Total time – 4.17 Days
Based on her flying past the tower (40 feet) in one second in the clip below I’m assuming her eventual max speed is 50 MPH. The biggest problem is riding on a broom for a long period of time would be terrible. Thus, for every hour she needs at least 10 minutes of stretching. Add sleep (6), back stretch breaks (3 hours) and meals (1 hour) and she impressively is able to sit on a broom for 14 hours day.
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3. Michael Myers (Halloween)
Total Time: 2.5 Days
I’ve already established that Michael Myers is a pro at driving cross country. The guy can drive like the wind and has no problem refilling his gas tank even though he has no money. The biggest issue he would have is making the 13 refueling stops along the way, It will take about an hour each time because he can’t simply pull up to a gas pump and refuel. The dude needs to steal gasoline and that is time-consuming. Thus, it takes him a lot longer than it should to drive cross country even at an average speed of 65 miles per hour.
Michael Myers better hope he doesn’t get a flat tire while on the road.
2. The Thing (The Thing)
Total time – 13 hours
What this all boils down to is how fast The Thing can assimilate into somebody else. It would need to scout people (1 hour), assimilate into that person (1 hour) and book/board a flight across the country (3 hours). After the six hour flight, I’m thinking the creature would need two hours to find a cab and make its way to the unwitting victim.
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- Danica Talos (Blade: Trinity)
Total time: 10 hours
Parker Posey was awesome in Blade: Trinity and I included her so I could write more about her under-appreciated character. Vampires in the Blade world are rich, which means she could hire a private jet (2 hours), make the flight (6 hours) and step into a limo waiting for her at the airport. She wouldn’t have a problem traveling during the day (light protector yada yada yada) so there is no worry of dying from lots of San Francisco light.
Danica would totally rent a private jet to spite attack somebody.
In the end, the rich vampire wins and everyone else loses! If you liked this post make sure to check out my other random data posts.
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- How far did the Merman travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How far did Matthew McConaughey jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How far did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How did the Geologist get lost in Prometheus?
- People love a bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How fast can the fisherman clean a trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s expensive to feature characters being eaten alive and surviving without a scratch
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The 1997 Random Awards: A Collection of Bad Accents, Stuffed Bunnies and Face Waterfalls
1997 was a fantastic year for cinema. Nic Cage wanted his bunny back in Con Air, Titanic destroyed the box office and surprisingly Jon Voight didn’t win an Oscar for Anaconda. Among all the fantastic films there were many random moments that defined a great year of movies. The following post celebrates the randomness of 97 and cherishes the small moments involving trunk cleaning, people getting smooshed, and argumentative narrators.
Best Request to Put a Bunny Back in a Box Award
Con Air is a gonzo action classic (some hyperbole in the statement) that features Nicolas Cage attempting to get a stuffed bunny to his daughter.
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Worst Accent Award
John Voight’s accent in Anaconda is awesome because it makes zero geographical sense. It’s like a hybrid of Russian, Creole and insanity. I love that Jon Voight went all-in and gave the world a beautifully horrible accent.
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Best Multipass Award
The Fifth Element is a bonkers masterpiece that is still beloved today. Milla Jovovich was awesome as Leeloo and her love of multipasses was a thing of random glory
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Best Dinosaur Smoosh Award
The Lost World: Jurassic Park taught me to never trip when running away from a T-Rex. I’ve always felt bad for the poor guy who was trampled by the rampaging dinosaur because he was straight up obliterated and died because of the “good guy” Vince Vaughn caused all the damage.
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Best Opening Credits Award
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery never gets old. I remember watching it in the theaters four times and loving it more and more. The opening credit scene is pure joy.
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Best Argument With a Narrator
George of the Jungle needs more love. It is a cheeky little thing that is very fun and features a fourth wall breaking moment in which a bad guy argues with the narrator and loses. You never argue with a narrator.
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Best Face Waterfall Award
Face/Off is an insane masterpiece that features grown men doing weird face waterfalls (thanks How Did This Get Made) over people’s faces.
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Less is More Award
Event Horizon showed us a tiny glimpse of hell and it was horrible.
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Best Puns Award
Batman and Robin is a weird film that features Arnold Schwarzenegger punning it up as Mr. Freeze. I remember the 15-year-old me being very confused in the theater.
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Best Alien Cuddle Award
Ellen Ripley is an iconic character who had to deal with a lot of crap in Alien: Resurrection. I still can’t believe she had to cuddle with a weird/gross alien
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Pacino Turns it to 11 Award
Al Pacino really went for it in The Devil’s Advocate. Dude was a great devil.
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Best Pen in the Neck Award
Grosse Pointe Blank is one of my favorite films and I love the hallway fight that ends with a pen in a guys neck. If you haven’t watched Grosse Pointe Blank do it now!
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Samuel L. Jackson is My Hero Award
Jackie Brown is an underrated film that features another brilliant Sam Jackson performance.
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I Felt Really Bad for Cary Elwes in Liar Liar Award
He was a nice dude who tried his best and lost to a jerk. Cary Elwes was a great Baxter.
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Best Crab Removal
The killer fisherman in I Know What You Did Last Summer pulled off a minor miracle when he was able to fill up a trunk with a dead body and crabs without any seeing. He pulled off a major miracle when he was able to quickly remove them during the day without anyone noticing.
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John’s Horror Corner: Fright Night (2011), reflecting on the 1985 original through the lens of a remake.
MY CALL: Relying far more on its outstanding cast than effects, this wasn’t so great “as a remake.” But remains very entertaining. Let’s be honest. Nothing can compare to the original Fright Night (1985)! MORE MOVIES LIKE Fright Night: Well, you should really see Fright Night (1985) and Fright Night II (1988).
REMAKE SIDEBAR: Other quality horror remakes include Friday the 13th (2009), Carrie (2013), Evil Dead (2013), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Hills Have Eyes (2006), An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), Halloween (2007), The Fly (1986), Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978), The Thing (1982; yes, this was a remake) and The Mummy (1999; adventure genre). Those to avoid include Poltergeist (2015), The Thing (2011; a prequel/remake), Cabin Fever (2016), A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), Night of the Demons (2009), Body Snatchers (1993; the second remake), The Invasion (2007; the third remake), War of the Worlds (2005) and The Mummy (2017; total adventure-style reboot-imagining).
Director Craig Gillespie (The Million Dollar Arm, The Finest Hours) wasn’t known for horror, nor is he now (beyond this movie). But here he is making a contemporized remake of the very first contemporary vampire film ever: Fright Night (1985). In doing so, we relocate the Brewster family from northern California to Las Vegas, a city in which night owls and late shifts are the norm and children of the night need no camouflage.
Charley Brewster (Anton Yelchin; Odd Thomas, Green Room) is a solid iteration of the original. He and is single mother (Toni Collette; Krampus, The Sixth Sense) find a handsome single man moving in next door and Charley’s love-hungry girlfriend Amy (Imogen Poots; 28 Weeks Later, Green Room) is the first to notice when his attention deviates away from her advances to the goings-on of his mysterious neighbor. 2011’s Evil Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse; This is the End) offers context to two once-best friends who have now grown apart, but are now forced to face their local threat; whereas 1985’s Evil Ed is clearly strange and is, to some degree, a friend or ex-friend (or something), yet neither his nickname nor his relationship with 80s-Charley are explained.
Our new Jerry (Colin Farrell; Total Recall, True Detective) is quite the change up from 1985’s Chris Sarandon (The Resurrected, Fright Night). Sarandon was seductive, smooth, and offered every opportunity for his would-be protagonist victims to survive if they would just look the other way or accept whatever he offered; more forgiving and, perhaps, wise from his lengthened undead years. But our fanged Farrell, while cagily charming, is typically more sleazy, crude and predatory before his patience is even tested—creating a more cat-and-mouse semi-slasher tone in lieu of occult mysticism.
Jerry also moves in with little baggage, and nary a ghoulish servant or subordinate vampire in sight. I liked the bullying humor and domestic kinship Billy (Jonathan Stark; House II: The Second Story) brought to the original. For me it was disappointing finding nothing analogous in role or tone. But a great contemporized remake victory is found in Peter Vincent (David Tennant; Doctor Who), who feels perfectly modeled after an occult-themed Criss Angel (Mind Freak) with a passion for vampirology and a sarcastic cowardice.
I love that we go from this (ABOVE), to this (BELOW)…
Overall, this remake makes decent use of parallels to the iconic scenes of the original, but really they pack none of the atmospheric punch. This is a great flick, a “good” horror movie, but it can’t hold a candle to the original. That said, this remake clearly succeeds at giving us quality entertainment. Yes, I’ve seen it more than once. Yes, I will watch it again. And yes, I bought it. But no, I won’t watch it a fraction as often as the original. Why…?
2011 vs 1985
We get a toothy maw transformation, some Jedi-jumping and wall-crawling, and all manner of blood gushes. But where’s the rest?
2011 vs 1985
This just reminds me of Van Helsing (2004)
Truth is, these CGI effects lack the practical old school charm of Amy’s gaping monstrous mouth. In fact, the effects generally don’t impress much at all. That’s not the film’s strength. This remake succeeds on the merits of its cast, and everyone seems to do a fine job. From Tenant’s quips to Charley’s frantic desperation and Ed’s hammed up campy vampire shenanigans, I enjoyed this a lot despite the lack of any memorable effects. It barely does any justice to writer/director Tom Holland’s (Child’s Play, The Temp, Thinner, Fright Night) original but that doesn’t mean it’s not good. Give it a chance.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Barn (2016), an excellent case study in practical effects-driven microbudget horror.
MY CALL: This is exactly the kind of film I want to see funded…but more funded. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Barn: Other Halloween horrors include Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Night of the Demons (1988), Night of the Demons 2 (1994), Halloween (1978, 2007) and Halloween II (1981, 2009).
MORE Indie Reviews: Here at MFF we occasionally do horror short film and pre-release indie film reviews on request. Among recent solicited promotions are Order of the Ram (2013; film), Love in the Time of Monsters (2014; feature length), Interior (2014; feature length), Smothered (2014; feature length), In the Dark (2015; feature length), Brother (2016; film), Other Halves (2016; feature length), Scythe (2016; film), The Belko Experiment (2016; feature film, mainstream theatrical release), Shallow Waters (2017; short), Burn (2017; short), Tethered (2017; short) and We Love Selfies (2017; short).
Disclaimer: This review was unsolicited (I requested access to the film). I was neither hired nor paid to produce this critical review, nor do I have an investment stake in the film. This was basically leaked to me.
A group of young trick or treaters break the town’s rule about Halloween and go to the old abandoned barn for a night of mischief. Strangely, there’s a jack-o-lantern waiting for them and they awaken the Candy Corn Scarecrow, the Pumpkin Man and the Boogeyman—the demonic trio that would form the 30-year-old Legend of the Barn.
This 80s throwback plays to the standard 80s-ish tropes. Some generally kind-intentioned misunderstood teenagers who love of Halloween, one of our protagonists invites his crush along, there’s a skating rink and silly dialogue, parents never seem to understand, a Halloween expert spouts exposition about the folklore behind Halloween and the true meaning of trick or treat, 80s boobs, teens don’t heed the expert’s warnings, and the black dude dies first! While tropiness can be annoying in modern releases, they feel more inviting and forgivable here.
I enjoyed a few 80s-esque shots…e.g., the silhouettes of trick or treaters against a hazy moonlit sky—like something straight out of Halloween III (1982). Probably my favorite moment of the film; kudos to the director of photography (Zane Hershberger). But this is not just a stylistic 80s throwback, it actually looks like you’re watching a VHS movie!
It gets off to a feisty start (i.e., the flashback opening), but I was really feeling the humble budget (~$40k) for the majority of the effects scenes. Not all of them, but most. Someone needs to give these guys some money so they can do more with their next project! The premise is playful and fun and everything horror should be, but stronger financing could have produced the level of gore-rended latex flesh that I hoped to find and a little more on-screen realization of those effects. The filmmakers/crew clearly gave 110% and there were numerous (often technically weak, but enthusiastic and appreciated) effects scenes, but most of the time the “demons” just felt like murderous slasher dudes until the last third of the film when the effects appear to have leveled up. I could sense the Night of the Demons (1988) style being emulated (intentional or not)…but this just didn’t quite hit that mark—again, I blame money more than anything. Some will argue budget matters less than filmmaking. But this was made for next to nothing, which is really a strong attribute. In fact, I had assumed the budget was higher. I’d love to see a “making of” video about how they stretched their dollar on some of those gags (e.g., slicing a head in half, crushing faces).
Director and writer Justin M. Seaman (10/31, Cryptids) and his effects team made an ambitious attempt that leaves me a bit conflicted. I really want people to see what they’ve done and visualize what this film could have been with more financial support, yet I’m not tempted to recommend it to folks looking for a fun fright flick for the evening (unless they have an appreciation for the challenges of filmmaking). After all, it’s tough making a serviceable horror film on a tiny budget (and NOT a found footage shake-o-rama in which no one can even see how cheap it is). I don’t recommend watching this for fun, but I DO recommend watching this to see something that will make you proud as a horror fan or filmmaker. Again, simply as a horror movie this is not awesome. But consider this: The Gallows (2015) had a $100k budget and was guerilla-filmed found footage featuring no more effects than an occasional length of rope and someone getting shaky-cam dragged into the darkness. There were no creatures, no make-up (worth mentioning), no blood, no wounds, no boobs (just sayin’), no nothing. I hated that movie and, honestly, more money wouldn’t have helped it much given the lack of vision I witnessed on screen. The Barn, on the other hand, had 40% of that budget and really went for it! There were well over a dozen practical effects scenes with blood, guts, severed body parts, monster make-up, impalements, dismemberments, stabbings, eye gauges and head smashes…and they did it all with the Hollywood-equivalent of couch cushion change! And OMFG can we stop to appreciate the awesome theme song played during the beginning of the credits!?!
The Barn offers the promise. And that’s what I hope to find when I do indie reviews: promise of a better tomorrow for the horror genre.
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John’s Horror Corner: Annabelle: Creation (2017), super creepy, super jumpy, super evil, and a fine addition to The Conjuring Universe.
MY CALL: Very jumpy, very creepy, and very much more worthy of your time than part 1! MORE MOVIES LIKE Annabelle: Creation: Well, The Conjuring (2013; podcast discussion of The Conjuring 2), Annabelle (2014; podcast discussion of Annabelle) and The Conjuring 2 (2016) round out The Conjuring Universe. For more evil doll movies one may venture Dead Silence (2007), Dolls (1987), Dolly Dearest (1981) Puppet Master 1-5 (1989-1994), The Boy (2016), Child’s Play (1988), Curse of Chucky (2013) and even Poltergeist (1982; that evil clown was twisted).
Twelve years after the tragic loss of their daughter Bee (Samara Lee; The Last Witch Hunter), doll-maker Samuel (Anthony LaPaglia; Innocent Blood, So I Married an Axe Murderer) and his now ailing wife Esther (Miranda Otto; War of the Worlds, What Lies Beneath) agree to offer their home as an orphanage for a nun (Stephanie Sigman; Narcos) and six girls. Linda (Lulu Wilson; Ouija: Origin of Evil, Deliver Us from Evil) and her friend are drawn to a doll hidden away in Bee’s bedroom and…well, you know…there’s an evil doll, demonic possession…bad stuff happens.
The Conjuring Universe SIDEBAR: This has been labeled “the next chapter in The Conjuring Universe,” and a Conjuring movie is exactly what this feels like. Well, The Conjuring (2013) was so outstanding that Annabelle (2014) couldn’t be expected to measure up. But falling far below that, evil doll movies practically make themselves yet Annabelle was an absolutely incompetent horror film that should disappoint fans of the genre whether they were birthed in the era of serious slashers, classic Hammer releases, or campy 80s slapstick gore-fests. The only way Annabelle made it to the big screen was by riding the tidal wave of hype created by its connection to The Conjuring. Then along came The Conjuring 2 (2016)—which felt a lot like Insidious “Chapter 4”—which was clearly made more for the fans than the critics as it focused more on being excitingly jump-scary than on standard merits or sleek plotiness. This sequel introduced The Nun (i.e., the demon Valek) and gave a fine nod to Annabelle. Following suit, Creation offers a mysterious wink harbingering the upcoming Nun film (same writer as Creation) and then finishes transitioning us directly into the opening scene of Annabelle (2014).
I wasn’t at all surprised to learn this was directed by David F. Sandberg (Lights Out), as it felt very much like Lights Out (2016) meets The Conjuring 2 (2016) in terms of scare-staging, the use of darkness and flickering lights, the super twitchy monster manifestations, and the roller-coasting dozens of jump scares. I should repeat part of that: DOZENS of jump scares. Holding together far more soundly and satisfyingly than Annabelle (2014), this plot still wasn’t terribly substantial. It had “just enough,” with the story feeling neither deep nor shallow, and quite familiar without being phoned in or rehashed. But, then again, we are in The Conjuring Universe and the conduits by which evil manifests in our present cinescape seem to follow the same rules or patterns as we have now witnessed in a total of four films. It’s the kind of familiarity we find in a Freddy, Jason, Pinhead or Myers sequel…we know the general rules, but we also expect some new angle in each new film to come.
Now I just called this “familiar.” But, make no mistake, it’s quite exciting after a somewhat slow introduction to our premise. But then becomes exciting if you enjoy jump scares. As I mentioned earlier, this film thrives on them. You’ll hear something creepy, stare into a pitch-black hallway or doorway for 8 seconds, and press your head into your seat to brace yourself for the inevitable incoming scare. This may bother folks looking for the next horror Oscar contender, but people just looking for a fun date night or a great popcorn horror will be in for a good time. In fact, I’d call this outstanding popcorn horror.
What gore we get is good, the acting is all on point, the demon monster effects were VERY creepy, and despite the high frequency of jump-scares there were some seriously legitimate scares as well. I really appreciated that all that this film tried to do; give us a prequel, connect adequately to both The Conjuring (2013) and Annabelle (2014), provide a semblance of continuity, and serve as a stand-alone horror film. And, perhaps its best quality, it never really felt like an evil doll movie. It felt more like a mix between a cursed object and a demonic haunting/possession/presence. It certainly kept me on my toes.
Overall, I’d say I was quite pleased. I’ll certainly buy it and, due to the sheer joy derived from all the jump-scares, I look forward to sharing this with someone who hasn’t yet seen it.
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