Bad Movie Tuesday: The Saviors of Subpar
SPOILER ALERT!!!! Read John’s review for a neat spoiler free journey into death via animal masked intruder.
Bilge Ebiri of Vulture wrote “every horror movie, on some fundamental level, traffic in bullsh**.” I agree because the horror genre is rife with too much explanation, too few solid characters and the need for an immersed viewing experience. Every horror film is a step away from being crap and You’re Next tries to subvert that but instead creates a plot device for cracked skulls. You’re Next traffics in bullsh** but unwittingly creates a character who puts on boots and walks around the muck. Sharni Vinson carries the film on her petite shoulders as she navigates the hornet’s nest of white-collar violence.
You’re Next raises too many questions. For instance, why the animal masks? Can you only see straight ahead? Why murder your family for inheritance? Why write “You’re Next” on walls? How long does that take? What if a victim accidentally walks in on you writing this? How do you hire accomplices? Why leave your mom upstairs knowing the killer is upstairs? Why did the killers camp out in the house for two days? Why not lock the door? I understand that asking too many questions about the horror genre will make it implode onto itself but these questions kept popping up and made for a quizzical experience.
The overall positive consensus of You’re Next stems from the horror genres lack of quality. Aside from James Wan and Ty West (Who cameos in the film) the horror genre has become a mixed bag of remakes (Evil Dead), prequels (Texas Chainsaw blah blah), sequels (Puppet Master) and found footage shlock (Chernobyll Diaries). Horror movies are either sleek drones of violence or expository machines that rid the world of mystery. Thus, when a movie expresses a new idea or clear voice it is instantly praised. Audiences clamor for horror and will throw down their hard-earned cash to watch The Purge or Sinister. In the last five years I’ve enjoyed a hand full of horror films. The Conjuring, Insidious, Devil and Apollo 18 are enjoyable because they made me laugh, jump or appreciate Philly looking evil. I use the word “enjoyable” because the films weren’t masochistic gloss machines of death or excuses for a pretty lady to murder dumb killers.
You’re Next falls apart when it comes to explaining the villain’s motives. They are a bunch of rich punks who hire surfer/drug addicts to play killers. Their personalities don’t fit their actions and they come across as nothing more than bodies to put cool masks on. Thus, when they are dispatched there is no tension. The director Adam Wingard wanted to show off blood splatter and skull crushing and lost sight of what makes horror effective. I like the movies mentioned earlier because evil witches, red demons, moon rock spiders and the Devil are pure evil and want destruction on every level. There is no pettiness, selfishness or acting. They want to kill and their motives are understandable on the primal level. So, you worry for the heroes because they are in over their heads. Tension is built and not deflated due to escalating danger from evil spirits or spider rocks (FYI Apollo 18 is not a good film. It is bonkers and wonderfully bad).
However, the film eventually turns the tables and introduces us to a practical spitfire (Sharni Vinson, Bait 3D) who kicks ass and hits dudes many times in the head with meat tenderizers. She doesn’t recover miraculously from injury, sets neat Home Alone type traps and is believably wiry. As the plot falls into bullsh** she rises above the story and helps us leave the theater happy. As she finishes up the movie by putting a blender on a person’s head and impaling a dude’s neck with a screwdriver you wish her the best. She is a plot device who ends up in a hornet’s nest of white-collar violence but that doesn’t stop you from hoping she recovers.
The reason this film is exists is to let blood, guts and sex flow freely. The animal masks were meant for marketing reasons and the characters are given traits and not personalities. I wish the director would have focused more on story and not the inevitable murder. I get that a bunch of killers being killed can be enjoyable but it feels like an excuse for blood. Many horror films have not needed to satiate the viewer’s lust for blood spillage. Some of the genre’s classics have built memorable tension by making us care for the characters and genuinely shocking us. You’re Next is told with a tongue-in-cheek vibe and thus is an exercise of indie macabre.
Watch You’re Next . Support the new horror creators. Don’t drink the kool-aid yet.
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Bait 3D (2012)
MY CALL: A simple not-too-over-the-top story, tolerable acting, some really fun kills and floating body parts make this well worth a low budget watch. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Jaws (1975; if you’re in a serious mood). But if you’re looking for something a little more festive, then aim for Deep Blue Sea (1999), Shark Night 3D (2011), Piranha (1978), Piranha 3D (2010), Piranha 3DD (2012).
The story is simple. After a tsunami ravages an Australian beach town, survivors are trapped in a grocery store with a hungry great white shark. The setting makes for a nice change of pace amid the shark movie extravaganza that has filled the last decade (e.g., Sharktopus, Mega Shark, Sharknado, Sand Sharks, Megalodon, Megashark vs. Giant Crocosaurus, Snow Shark, Megashark vs. Giant Octopus, Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Dinoshark, Attack of the Jurassic Shark, Jaws in Japan, Ghost Shark, Malibu Shark Attack, Super Shark, Swamp Shark, 12 Days of Terror, Two-Headed shark Attack, Shark Swarm, Sharks in Venice, Spring Break Shark Attack, Shark Attack in the Mediterranean, Open Water, Red Water, The Reef, Hammerhead…need I go on?).
This is a bit more than a group of scantily clad brainless beauties and over-sexed underwear model punks against some sharks. Tina (Scream Queen Sharni Vinson; You’re Next) and her ex-fiancée Rory (Xavier Samuel; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2, Anonymous) are among the survivors. They’re real people with real problems and real feelings. A criminal (Julian McMahon; Nip/Tuck, Fantastic Four) and a young juvenile delinquent are among the dozen survivors, so naturally there is some bickering about trust issues. But we don’t find ourselves too bogged down by their simple dynamic. Some of the acting is pretty bad, but at least Sharni Vinson holds her own throughout (though not with a lead role or a breakout performance like she did in You’re Next) and Julian McMahon is also consistent.
Once the action starts, the girls are not in bathing suits and everyone keep their shirts on. Lending a bit more credibility to the movie, rather unflatteringly the girls are clothed and wet with stringy hair and all most of the time; far from dolled up. They also come up with some neat ideas, including a believable improvised diving suit caged for shark bite resistance and tubed for respiration. Even when predictable, a couple of the kills were especially entertaining. They also made good use of a cute dog.
Director Kimble Rendall has little experience being in charge, but has an impressive resume as a second unit director including two of the Matrix movies, I, Robot (2004), Killer Elite (2011) and Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), so I’d expect he’s learned a bit about building tension and action. His skills translated well in Bait–understanding his budget limitations.
There’s a mixed bag of terrible to acceptable CGI wound and shark effects. But really fun anyway. Latex and prosthetics work were easily “good enough,” but what saves the movie’s effects are the humorously placed severed parts. Whether bobbing in the water or drifting asunder, there’s plenty to entertain. But, by the end you’ll find yourself wondering just how many people a 12-foot shark can eat before it gets full.
All in all, well worth a low budget watch.
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Martyrs (2008), a transcendental journey of French extremism paved with suffering
FYI: This should be treated as NOT SAFE FOR WORK. So don’t come complaining to us when your boss peaks over your shoulder to your monitor and sees gore slathered, beaten or partially naked women, gushy exit wounds or generally disturbing imagery (see images below). That’s on you! This is a horror post. I can’t (and won’t) make everything PG. LOL
MY CALL: Pain and transcendence paint the theme of this intense, cruel, relentlessly brutal film that will lead you to dark places free from the moral burdens of compassion. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Though not quite as intense, Deadgirl (2008) and I Spit on Your Grave (1978, 2010) push moral boundaries far and hard. LANGUAGE: French; I bought the “unrated” DVD which offered it dubbed in English. The dubbing is really poor–think Anime.
Amazon offers a friendly piece of advice: “Avoid, if you can, reading anything about Martyrs before viewing–this ultra-intense Canadian-French shocker benefits from discovering its horrors cold.” I followed that advice. I haven’t even seen a trailer. What follows is my account of this film which was revered by some as being among the “10 most disturbing horror movies” and by Amazon as only advisable to “the most hardcore patrons of 21st-century torture cinema.” I find over-hyping to be symptomatic of the breeding grounds of mediocrity. Does this film follow suit? No. Does it break free from the over-played mold? ABSOLUTELY! So I suggest you STOP READING THIS REVIEW UNLESS YOU’VE ALREADY SEEN THE MOVIE.
We are introduced to an underage Lucie escaping an abandoned building where she was kept captive, beaten and malnourished under destitute conditions presumably as a sex slave. Lucie ages through adolescence exhibiting damaged antisocial tendencies and self-destructive proclivities. 15 years later, Lucie (Mylène Jampanoï; Hereafter) pays a visit to her to childhood captors. She finds revenge, but no true satisfaction; only utter mental breakdown exacerbated by her surrogate tormentor, her demon-like anthropomorphized self-loathing and guilt.
Be prepared for a steady stream of disturbing imagery with mixed distortions between compassion and black-hearted evil.
Anna (Morjana Alaoui) has been watching out for Lucie since they met in an orphanage. She arrives at the scene of Lucie’s revenge. It’s bad. Really bad. And Anna tries to help clean up the mess and keep Lucie out of trouble.
Just when you thought you knew where the story was going, another weird story arc falls in your lap…over and over again. This film is beyond bonkers, but executed intelligently. You find yourself caught between wanting to laugh at how senseless it all is and wanting to scream because it’s frustratingly insane. But, by the end, everything feels well-linked together in hindsight; in fact, brilliantly so.
This woman came across some tough times. Her every movement, twitch and mumble conveys a powerful pain.
This film is rich in gore, visceral brutality, intensity, violence (against women; not sexual in nature), torture and desperation. There is also a fair bit of nudity. But it is presented more to embrace humility and vulnerability than perversion. Artfully handled, the nudity is an effective device that will elicit many feelings, none of which being arousal.
Pascal Laugier, the man to blame for The Tall Man (2012), wrote and directed this film. The Tall Man was an indecisively written film featuring an unreliable story, making for an unsatisfying waste of time drowning itself in too many loose plot elements. Did that happen here? Well…sort of. Yes in the sense of the complete plot-based pandemonium which somehow neatly tied together in the end. No in the sense that I actually loved this film–whereas I hated The Tall Man. Organized madness best describes Laughier’s storytelling style. If you crave brutal intensity, let this film impress you.
Share this post:
Tokyo Shock: Sars Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004), pre-Tokyo Shock era and it shows
MY CALL: Aiming more towards comedy than shoxploitation, this is a n early and rather tame Tokyo Shock-esque installment. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Helldriver (2010), Meatball Machine (2005), Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009),Tokyo Gore Police (2009) and Machine Girl (2008). LANGUAGE: Thai. I bought my DVD in 2010 and it did not offer an English-dubbed audio alternative.
This contribution to the Tokyo Shock subgenre hails from Thailand, but tries to deliver all of the nonsensical fun of Japanese installments. Our completely plausible story takes place in the future, when the news assures that Thailand is 100% virus-free–not so much as a common cold!–and will not be affected by the Sars virus. Cut to Africa: everyone is dead and turning into zombies, a CGI roach crawls out of a Sars zombie’s mouth and flies to Thailand where it bites a man–yes, first reported roach bite like…ever. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand presto! We have a bad movie!
So this roach flies from Africa to Thailand…
A cute animation depicting what Africa now looks like…
The roach bites this guy…who turns into this tooth-filed menace…who gets stabbed in the neck with an iron.
Our roach-bitten victim becomes a pus-spewing, vomiting, pulsating mess that begins eating cats and infecting the people of Bangkok immediately. Once infected , they go all Evil Dead with brow and cheek bone demon make-up and develop some heinously jagged teeth.
Then our Sars zombie patient zero starts biting things, which in turn become uglier versions of themselves.
From here the nonsense kicks into high gear. Unlike the more recently released Tokyo Gore Police (2009) and Machine Girl (2008), the slapstick is not limited to the gore. Our characters find themselves speaking with all the seriousness of cartoon characters, they dodge bullets with cartwheels, they dance to their own theme music and the toughest characters are Asian school girls (exactly like Tokyo Gore Police and Machine Girl).
The action is quite limited in quality, high in frequency, and often supplemented by weak comedic antics. Blood abounds, but the rubber guts and severed parts that I yearn for were quite rare. A CGI zombie baby birth offered a brief change of pace, but by and large the effects failed to find the “shock” that earned this movie subgenre its name. But hey, there was a strong hesitation to show any nudity–I suppose to keep our attention on the art on display before our eyes.
Here’s the evil CGI Sars zombie baby.
What really keeps this movie down below the ranks of, for example, Meatball Machine (2005) and Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009) is the overuse of CGI effects. Typical Tokyo Shock films focus on over-the-top blood sprays, wacky monster prosthetics and armor, violent slapstick amputations and WTF-mutant-cybernetic-perverted-weapons, only rarely turning to CGI. Whereas this installment uses CGI to the point of reliance. In the beginning of the movie a severed, Sars-animated cat’s tail is eaten by a python, which then grows into some giant monstrosity of a demon anaconda and starts eating people. This offered a WTF-random element to the movie with CGI and that’s all fine. However, the snake became a recurring theme, growing bigger and making the low quality CGI more of a blaring flaw than a fun complement. By the story’s end this snake monster served the role as the video game “last guy”–and it wasn’t impressive or fun. EPIC BAD GUY FAIL!!!!
Perhaps this movie predated the uprising of Tokyo Shock. However, its nature is inescapably similar and likewise inescapable are comparisons to its newer, much better counterparts. I feel like this movie would have been way more fun if I saw it back in 2004…before the availability of the higher quality found in subsequent releases.
Share this post:
MY CALL: For lovers of truly bad horror and bad, cheesy horror comedy, this is a God-awful winner. All others should keep a safe distance. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Killer Workout (1987), Death Spa (1989) and Hellgate (1990) are all served with extra cheese as well; lots of laughs.
This cheesy 80s horror comedy comes with a moral lesson: adultery is wrong. In order to demonstrate the accurate real life consequences of adultery, this articulate film afflicts adulteresses with an STD. The symptoms? No biggie. Just uncontrollable compulsive cannibalistic infanticide in the form of sexually-transmitted zombiism.
“Infanticide is a solid $5 vocab word meaning the intentional killing of infants or, more generally, one’s offspring.”
Everybody in this movie is unpleasant. The mothers are all catty, spiteful, unfaithful, gossiping alcoholics who speak pure vitriol. The fathers are all cheaters or wife-beating alcoholics. The kids, proving that the apple doesn’t fall far from the proverbial slutty tree, are sassy and promiscuous. A local well-to-do nurse flagrantly ignores HIPPA laws. The ice cream truck man is dating a baby-faced high schooler while making eyes at every other young girl in town. At one point, we actually see a cop and the coroner having a beer while discussing an autopsy…standing over the body in the morgue…drinking beer!
See? EVERYBODY is unpleasant.
Once infected with this STD, the mothers behave like silly, flesh-eating monsters. You know that saying “I actually think she would eat her own young”? Yeah, it’s pretty much like that. Mothers start eating their smallest and most vulnerable children first with cheesy zombie gore and cheesy zombie facial expressions. Some of them are more tactful, trying to fatten up their kids with milk-heavy diets. Others have super strength and unhinging jaws–really funny and weak effects on the jaw, but it was an enjoyable brief highlight.
When witnesses to these horror speak up they are naturally not taken seriously…”Really, I came home and saw my mother eating my baby brother.” “My mother…she ate my father.” “She’s never done anything like this before.”
Somehow the oddly short lovesick coroner and the irregularly tall amorous nurse work together to create an antivirus with no educational background in immunology, no lab rats or human trials, and no access to a biomedical research facility.
The director of this masterpiece could never seem to decide if the STD-virus turned them into living zombies or methodical cannibals, but that was surely forgivable among the melee of other flaws in this fun-spirited FUBARed mess. The effects were obviously weak, but festively cheesy and accompanied by entertaining sloppy chewing sound effects. But there’s dismemberment, flesh-tearing and over-the-top zombie make-ups and dental inserts–these things are inherently fun to any horrorhound. The make-up work is so silly. It reminds me of Killer Klowns from Outer Space meets the Joker.
To refer to the acting quality as wooden would be far too complimentary. These actors–if we dare to call them actors–seem to just “say” their lines at the camera with a faltering pace as if they were struggling to remember them like a 4th grader reciting a speech in front of his class.
For lovers of truly bad horror and bad, cheesy horror comedy, this is a God-awful winner.
Share this post:
A Beginner’s Guide to Tokyo Shock Cinema
FYI: This should be treated as NOT SAFE FOR WORK. So don’t come complaining to us when your boss peaks over your shoulder to your monitor and sees an Asian schoolgirl with a sword or blood raining on people (see images below). That’s on you! This is a horror post about an exploitative subgenre. I can’t make everything PG. LOL
I was at a horror convention in 2011 and was shocked at how so few of the hocked-DVD vendors had heard of this unique flavor of horror-action. As such, I felt the need to inform you all of these intentionally disturbing-to-most movies. This piece is meant to introduce virgin readers to Tokyo Gore Shock, or Tokyo Shock. This emerging subgenre really seized my attention when I was blessed by Tokyo Gore Police (2009), which features a mutant hunting chick in a school girl outfit with a sword!
But I first saw the slower-paced, more plotty Machine Girl (2008)–about a school girl with a gun for an arm who avenges her family’s murder–which I also loved despite its being far less exciting than Tokyo Gore Police.
It’s just that Tokyo Gore Police had a much happier marriage between apparently low budget, weirdness, and consistent stimulation by shit I had never seen before. Other titles representing the subgenre are Meatball Machine, Samurai Princess, Robogeisha, Psycho Gothic Lolita,Geisha Assassin, Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl (2009), Helldriver (2010), Mutant Girl Squad, Dead Sushi(2012), short films from The ABCs of Death (2013) and many others. The writing, direction and special effects are largely done by the same gang of people–a handful of directors and loads of FX guys. What do they do together? Essentially they take the gore tactics of Dead Alive, usually swap zombies for ninjas, mutants or cyborgs, and add goofy fight choreography. Often it appears that they nightmared up a large to-do list of interesting ways to kill someone or to die and compacted them all into a screenplay.
Some colorful scenes from Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl
Unlike most movies produced with lower expectations than summer blockbusters, the previews for these movies are very straightforward. I have loved most trailers, and subsequently most movies (at least, of those listed in this article). If you saw and enjoyed any one of these movies, then see ALL of the others. These filmmakers give us viewers exactly what we want. At the same time, you will know right away (from the trailer) whether or not this style of movie is for you.
Tokyo Gore Police received an average rating of 4/5 stars (44 reviews) on Amazon.com. Some of the 3’s read as if they viewer loved the movie, but were just tough critics when it came to doling out ratings. That said, don’t trust these ratings to compare one such movie to another unless you’ve taken the time to read them. Of course, such movies should probably not be compared to The Remains of the Day or My Left Foot. Tokyo Gore Police stars Eihi Shiina. I first saw this actress in Audition, a more typical non-supernatural Japanese horror movie. She plays Ruka, a member of a privatized police force charged with handling some intriguingly protean mutants called “engineers”. Naturally, the uniform for this task is that of a Japanese school girl. These engineers are genetically modified and mechanized weaponry forms whenever and where ever they incur tissue trauma. These ostentatiously rubber-prop-grafted cyborgs offer a strong nod to Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989). The mutant F/X were ridiculous…ly awesome. Seeing each new installment of these villains made my dark soul smile. Also, inserted into the movie are “commercials” featuring twisted things like suicide accessories and recreational remote murder via videogame console.
Vampire Girl slits her wrists and forms Wolverine-like retractable swords made of hardened blood and tendon.
Where character and plot development are found wanting, rubber guts and action more than compensate. More for the gore than the action, I find myself comparing these movies to action anime known for arterial sprays. The gore also serves as a fine device to distract viewers from the lower budgets.
Here, guerilla tactics help the F/X team circumvent the clearly low budget in Meatball Machine.
The low budget is obvious at first, then forgotten once the action sequences begin and your romance with the silliness has engaged. These movies offer troths of entrails. At times, it feels like off-camera filmmakers are simply jettisoning rubber intestines and gallons of Hi-C in front of the camera with reckless abandon. What can I say? It completes me.
Three different movies sharing the same message: they like to make it rain…blood!
These movies feature many effects and props which would typically only be discussed around a table of drunk or high college kids. Some examples include genitalia modified into projectile weapons, breasts which spew acid or have teeth or are modified into power drills, chainsaws arms, disembodied hands which are shot from a gun to punch or strangle their targets, snail-centaur women, and sex-slave gimps with machine guns or sword blades for arms AND legs. Some of the scenes feel a bit like a hybridization between a BDSM sex show and a freak sideshow.
Keeping in good stride with the generally exploitative nature of this subgenre, the bad guys tend to be oddly modified evil women.
The fight choreography may not measure up well compared to Hong Kong action cinema. Depending on the movie, serviceable to deplorable (e.g., Psycho Gothic Lolita) representations of actual combat may be observed. However, because the characters and their weapons are often interesting or comical, so is the choreography. Do I think that some chick with her lower body modified into a giant crocodile mouth can use this mutation effectively in a fight? Absolutely not! Does that suggest that I enjoyed seeing her try to use this mutation as a weapon any less. Absolutely not! If you have a bra with drills on the breast cups, you’re damned right I expect them to be pressed upon someone to their perverse detriment. Not a typical kung fu move, but effective when it comes to entertaining me.
A common phrase in this family of movies, but expect to see fights with elements that you “have never seen before”. Tokyo Gore Police enjoyed the talents of action director Tak Sakaguchi, who worked on Versus (2000) and Shinobi (2005) (neither movie is related to the Gore Shock genus, but both were VERY good…see them).
These movies, more flicks really, are just plain cool. If you can stomach them, chances are quite likely that you’ll love them—all of them. Even the more serious ones are over-the-top and, in my opinion, it is NEVER to their detriment. They are extreme and quite explicit in general.
I say this about a lot of movies, but one should probably not be introduced to this type of movie without alcohol (but only if you’re 21 or older, kids!). I’d say more than just a buzz before it starts and safely outside the ballpark of forgetfulness by the end.
These movies aim to disturb and often include very bizarre and/or violent sexual scenes, violence to and/or caused by explicit body parts which may or may not be weaponized, torture, satirical suicide, and violence against women and children. I read a Tokyo Gore Police review on Amazon.com (0/5 stars) in which the unhappy customer suggested that “you would have to be very sick person to get enjoyment out of watching this film. This film is more disturbing than any film I’ve ever seen in my life.” To that I have two things to say. ONE, nothing shocks me anymore. If nothing shocked you after years of horror fanfare, this should be fine. I playfully call myself sick, but I still haven’t stored any human organs in my freezer nor have I worn someone else’s skin as a suit. I just laugh (with delight) at the Saw and Cube series. This genre was simply the next step. If you laugh at the same things I do, then take the same step. TWO, definitely not the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life—I’ve seen Salo, The Human Centipede, Necromantik, Red Room, and I Spit on Your Grave. Perhaps all more disturbing, yet not that disturbing…to me.
Reviews for these movies on Amazon.com typically warn that these movies are “not for everyone”. I couldn’t agree more. While I strongly advocate that if you like one of them, you’ll probably like all of them, I must say that many will like none of them. These are for lovers of “gore porn”.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A warning to consumers who try my favorite flavor and start buying my brand…Tokyo Gore Police has been released twice in America. Once with no featurettes, and again with featurettes. Machine Girl has now been released three times following the same pattern, with more material in each subsequent release. This sales equation will likely become a trend with these Japan (and other countries)-to-America genre releases.
Share this post:
This movie poster should have depicted a photograph of the DVD boxed set with Puppet Master 1-7 fanned out like a poker hand because all we get here is a bunch of stock footage clips from these movies!
MY CALL: This only succeeded at annoying me. This eighth franchise installment serves as a review of the past movies with loads of stock footage. Let this be a warning to franchise fans. There is little original footage even though it’s only 70 minutes. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Puppet Master (1989), Puppet Master II (1991; the most slapstick crazy of the first three), Puppet Master III (1991) and Puppet Master 4 (1993). Also try Ghoulies (1985) and Ghoulies II (1988). SEQUEL SIDEBAR: Retro Puppet Master (1999) introduced us to young Toulon in 1902. Puppet Master III (1991; set in 1941 and having the highest production value of the first three franchise installments) comes next and is actually a prequel to Puppet Master (1989), which occurs decades later in present day and is seamlessly followed story-wise by Puppet Master II (1991; which was the least serious, most zany installment). Puppet Master 4 (1993) returns us to present day after Puppet Master II. Puppet Master 5 (1994) picks up right where part 4 ended and marks the most noticeable drop in quality of any other franchise installments. Then, presumably taking place after part 5, Curse of the Puppet Master randomly happens and is difficult to link to the others.
Director Charles Band (forefather of Full Moon entertainment) takes the helm for the first time–for this eighth installment in the series that he breathed life into. I assumed Band was trying to rescue the franchise from its ever-dropping quality after Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge. I was wrong. This movie is nothing more than an assembled stock footage Franken-clip-show masquerading as a movie to earn Full Moon a few bucks.
In this story–if I dare to call it a story–some sort of agent-like criminal Maclain (Kate Orsini) will stop at nothing to get her hands on Toulon’s secret. The scenes alternate between Maclain pursuit and flashbacks which are literally unmodified, full-length stock footage scenes from Retro Puppet Master and Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge.
Here Maclain interrogates Peter, the little German boy who met Toulon in Puppet Master III. Peter is all grown up and has somehow come into possession of Toulon’s puppets.
Most Amazon reviewers have suggested this include scenes from part 1-7. Well, it’s mostly 3 and 7. But it would have been much more interesting if it tied all of them together.
In these scenes we see Toulon (Guy Rolfe; Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge, Puppet Master 4, Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter, Retro Puppet Master) and his puppets Six-shooter (Parts 1, 4, 5, 6 and 7), Blade (Parts 1, 2, 4, 5, 6 and 7), Pinhead (8 movie veteran), Tunneler (8 movie veteran), Jester (8 movie veteran), Leech Woman (Parts 1, 2, 3, 6 and 7), Torch (Parts 3 and 5), Cyclops (Part 7) and Dr. Death (Part 7).
This overuse of stock footage borders on offensive. Most of the movie’s running time is composed of scenes from other movies! Now, sometimes a few “part 1” stock footage scenes can work wonders for viewers of a “part 2” in need of catching up. Whereas this movie just seems to offer some documentarian chronology to the events of the franchise’s movies, which were not at all released in chronological order. The “new” scenes involving the Maclain character amount to mere minutes.
Can I say one good thing about this? Well…actually yes. We get a nice highlights reel of stop-motion effects and the better kill scenes. Let’s try to forget this movie ever happened and remember some of the good times…
Share this post:
The World’s End: Saying Goodbye to the Cornetto
The World’s End is an alive, sensory blasting blend of humor, surprises and rapid fire dialogue. The best part is that the quick cutting, friendship embracing genre mashups don’t seem old after Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. TWE is a refreshing blast of creativity that feels familiar but never rehashed. It features an intense visual style that director Edgar Wright has perfected and then improved upon. Wright’s films are infused with genuine cinema love and that is why they’ve become cult classics that are critically adored (88% on RT including Scott Pilgrim). The World’s End is the perfect way to end a trilogy and blast off into other territory.
TWE revolves around five friends attempting to finish a pub crawl that bested them twenty years prior. The ringleader is the former cool kid (Simon Pegg) who has befallen hard times. High school was the best time of his life and the failure of the crawl has always haunted him So, fresh out of some form of rehab he reassembles the band and proceeds to get drunk and play Need for Speed. The problem is they’ve all gone different directions, haven’t talked to each other in years and confused as to how they were talked into getting wasted. Nick Frost, Paddy Considine, Eddie Marsan and Martin Freeman are the men who find themselves over their heads and drunk out of their minds. Old issues are rekindled, secrets are shared and beers are chugged during a wild night.
The previews have given away a great deal of the surprise and made TWE appear like a mash up of This is the End and Beerfest. The good news is that Wright’s films don’t follow any conventions and there is a twist around every corner. Characters are always three-dimensional, plots don’t follow any rules and the action is surprisingly well done. The fights scenes are wonderful because they encapsulate each person’s style and are drunken spectacles of wild punches, dude’s hiding in bathrooms and head pops. Also, Rosamund Pike adds a welcome presence as Martin Freeman’s sister who slept with wild man Simon Pegg 20 years ago and is loved by Paddy Consindine. Pike holds her own among the group of men who have inhabited the cornetto trilogy.
Eventually, they find out their hometown is infested with “robots” and the film becomes a barrage of neat character moments, cameos, beer moustaches and one final fence gag. To give away more would be a shame. So, watch the movie. Enjoy the evolution of Frost, Pegg and Wright as they close out one of the greatest trilogies (of sorts) ever.
Watch Shaun of the Dead. Watch Hot Fuzz. Watch The World’s End. Watch them again.
Share this post:
MY CALL: The movie was at times a little slow-paced and overdeveloped for a rather simple plot, but the production value was certainly competitive with horror movies of its time and damn does Joanna Pacula make a sexy voodoo witch! The death scenes are also pretty fun and creative. If you like 80’s B-Horror, then you’ll like this. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Lifeforce (1985)…In fact, I reference a lot of movies in this review. If you haven’t seen any of them, you probably should. Lifeforce is just the closest one in terms of genre. But, for example, The Hidden and The Re-Animator are absolute must-sees. Listen to me, kids, I’m giving you pearls, here!
For a B-Horror Movie, I’ll give this a “B”. This movie features two lovely ladies: Joanna Pacula, who played Val Kilmer’s prostitute main squeeze in Tombstone, and Meredith Salinger, who played the very cute deputy in Lake Placid.
Meet our witch, the lovely Joanna Pacula.
Why, why, why does all of the bad stuff in the world seem to come from the tropics? That ebola-ish virus from the Outbreak monkey, the zombie-ism-infected mutant rat thing in Dead-Alive, the nasty spider from Arachnaphobia, and now evil voodoo relics in this movie…all from South America, Papua New Guinea and Africa. Go figure, the birds of paradise must all be lethal to survive such wilds.
The movie opens in the Belgian Congo in 1963. Early on we see that a young girl’s aunt has a weird rash and a creepy voodoo-ish objet d’art. This provocative antique seems to stare at the apparently possessed aunt as she awakens her tweenie niece, Felice, from a nap with a scream-muffling stranglehold and kissing her. Kissing her 12(?)-year-old niece. Nice. After this curious act the aunt’s body looks drained (suspiciously similar to the life-drained victims of the hot, naked space-vampire from LifeForce, which was released in 1985 and features Patrick Stewart—just FYI). Contrastingly, the young niece looks quite vibrant after the molestation.
Cut to present day (1988) in the United States. Now all grown up and an aunt herself, Felice (Joanna Pacula) calls her sister out of the blue. Afterwards the sister is inexplicably scared and dies in a freak accident while window-shopping for guns. After the funeral, Felice becomes a part of Amy (Meredith Salinger) and her widower father’s life. Shortly after her arrival, Amy’s BFF gets mutilated in a freak accident involving an escalator at the mall. While snooping through Felice’s things, Amy finds a voodoo starter kit and some evidence linking her to her friend’s “attack”.
Felice seduces the father and we see that Felice, like her aunt, has a weird rash. Amy’s boyfriend, who looks like he’d be a young fourth member of Color Me Bad, catches Felice conducting a naked voodoo ritual so naturally he dies next. Meanwhile Felice’s rash is spreading—Lord knows why.
It’s really no spoiler to inform you that “the kiss” transmits a wormy parasite that uses the host body until the body is all used up, then on to the next body. Does this sound similar to The Hidden? Both of these mouth-to-mouth evil worm transmission movies were released in 1987. The major difference is that Felice, unlike the wormy alien of The Hidden, didn’t care for sunglasses and red sports cars and that she had to transmit to someone of her own bloodline.
Okay, so now I’m going to try to sell you into renting this based on a way cool aspect of the movie. If you like super-nuts, badass cats then rent this! Felice’s cat is in a few scenes in the movie and is even used as a “hitcat”. I haven’t seen a creepier cat since the broken-backed back-to-life feline of The Re-Animator. This cat was so badass that I bet it could surely hold its own against the rabbit with big pointy teeth that murdered those poor bastards in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It’s apparently rabid, puffy, evil-looking, and has a really fun demise near the end of the movie involving a rake and a bug zapper.
Best cat ever!
If you like 80’s B-Horror, then please add this to your queue! You won’t regret it.
Share this post:
Horror Movie Football Squad: I Know What You Did Last Season
With the football season almost finished, the Movies, Films and Flix crew have compiled a list of potential teams that could make next season much more entertaining.
Mark – Horror Movie Characters
John – Science Fiction characters
John L – Romantic comedy characters
Jonny – Animated characters
We encourage you to join the fun! Chime in and let me know who I left out or who you’d put on a team.
Below is a scouting report for the Horror Sqaud.
Horror Movie Football Squad: The Amityville Cuddle Monsters (They weren’t too happy about this)
Coach: Hannibal Lector-Criminal mastermind and manipulator. The man eluded police for years and could easily inspire a team of murders, ghosts and Demons.
Negatives: Keep him away from interns and fava beans.
Assistant Coach: Bughuul (Sinister) – No opposing team would dare watch The Cuddle Monster’s game tape.
Negatives: Don’t watch the wrong game tape. He might steal your children.
Offensive Coordinator: Jigsaw – Imagine the plays and schematics he could draw up.
Negatives: Dying of cancer….shouldn’t be a problem because even if he dies he will have a fat Harry Connick Jr. lookalike carry on his playbook
Defensive Coordinator: Freddy Kreuger-He can “dream” up amazing plays. Plus the other team won’t want to sleep the night before. League rules won’t allow him to kill people – just disrupt their sleep cycles.
Negatives: Exists in a dream world.
Medic: Dr. Giggles: the Only man creepy enough to stitch up Leatherface.
Negatives: Movie flopped….still bitter… and his massages are a little rough.
Trainer: Buffalo Bill-He can put the lotion on the bodies of players.
Negatives: Gross
OFFENSE
QB: Ash from the Evil Dead series-The dude has been hit by everything and still keeps going. Plus, Evil Ash will be his back-up QB. Also, his intimate knowledge of the shotgun makes him great in the shotgun formation.
Negatives: Easily forgets plays, and his chin has trouble fitting in the strap.
Running back: Dracula-Bat, wolf, old, smart and fast. There is no tape on him because he doesn’t show up on film.
Negatives: Can only play night games.
Backup running back-Jamie Lee Curtis from Halloween-She ran from Michael Myers for twenty years. I can’t imagine anybody catching her.
Negatives: Stays in the game too long…ends up in bad sequels.
Fullback-Leatherface-If you need two yards on fourth down he will get them with his crazy redneck strength.
Negatives: Cannibal….always complains at dinner functions.
Wide Receiver: Creature from The Descent – the thing hangs on walls – imagine it catching a football.
Negatives-Always needs a visor and has to stay away from female spelunkers.
Wide Receiver: Pennywise – clown from It – Nobody will want to cover him. The dude is a freaky clown who can turn into a spider.
Negatives: It’s nearly impossible to find clown shoe cleats.
OT: Troll from Ernest Scared Stupid – Dude is a brick shithouse. Can pull a truck and run fast. Perfect if he has to pull.
Negatives: Keep him away from milk. Will never block a field goal.
OT: Sack Head dude from the 3D Resident Evil film – Every O-line needs the tatted up big dude. It worked for Kyle Turley.
Negative: He has a huge nail through his head which makes him deaf. Many false starts.
OG: Jason Voorhees – Slow moving but a wall. Very durable and very few false starts.
Negatives: Slow yet somehow fast. Not team player. Cannot defend the swim move.
OG: The fog from The Fog – you have no choice but to run around the fog or get sucked in. Plus there are thousands of people in there. Many hands to block.
Negative: With many hands come many hands to the face penalties.
Center: Nathan Fillion – Slither – He has so much muscle mass he can’t get drunk. Plus, nobody has heard of him.
Negatives: Almost goes out of his way to get hurt.
Tight End: Candy Man – Can run great “hook” (hey oooohh) patterns and incites fear in referees who rarely call him for a fifth penalty.
Negatives: You need a whole lot of footballs when he is playing. Also, he only has one hand.
Erin Harson – You’re Next – She is the Wes Welker of horror movies. Smart, thrifty, and impossible to conspire against.
Negatives: Her bangs might not work in the helmet.
Defense
DE: The Frighteners ghost – Fast and angry. If the left tackle is tough he can go under the field
Negatives: Michael J. Fox defeated him.
DT: The Blob – Takes up incredible amounts of real estate.
Negatives: Molasses makes fun of him.
DE: Creature from the black lagoon – he knows the swim move. Can get around defense.
Negatives: Constantly needs water…Hogs the ice pool.
DT: Bubba Ho-Tep – His only kryptonite is Old Elvis. Plus he can graffiti great smack talk.
Negatives: Doesn’t have the guts to make big plays.
Linebacking Core…..(Much like the modern Green Bay Packers)
LLB: Roddy Piper from They Live – Long hair, kicks ass, chews bubble gum and hates aliens (watch out sci-fi team)
Negatives: He always tries to make people put on glasses.
MLB: David Keith from They Live – Knows Russell and Piper. Dude can take a beating and still survive. He is the only man to stand tough in massive brawls and survive a shape shifting creature.
Negatives: Always a supporting character. Isn’t flashy. Solid numbers every year.
RLB: Kurt Russell from The Thing – Reads people well and survives monster attacks. The guy was the last person standing in Antarctica against a crazy alien. He could pretty much tackle anything. Great hair!
Negatives: Duh….he’s Kurt Russel, bro!
S: Michael Myers from Halloween–No matter how far away you think he is when you turn around he will be right behind you.
Negatives: Never talks, Might stab you, Can never repeat classic plays.
S: Demon from Paranormal activity – Interception machine. You can’t see him. Gets away with a lot of tugging and grabbing.
Negatives: can actually say that he is from hell. Not personable.
Corner: Rage infected person from 28 Days Later – If the dude wants to get to the ball, he will get to the ball. Nobody wants to get infected blood spit on them. Luckily, the league found a cure.
Negatives: MANY MANY MANY MANY penalties.
Corner: Invisible man – Good luck QB. Can’t read defense when you can’t see them.
Negatives: Kind of a perv. Watches cheerleaders during the game.
Kicker/Punter: Bigfoot – Huge foot.
Negatives: Jokes are too easy.
Waterboy: Stripe from Gremlins: Intelligent, solid leader and can spawn thousands of Gremlins to run a cheap labor force.
Negatives: You will have to deal with shitloads of Gremlins.
Second String
Wolfman: Plays only once a month.
Frankenstein: Plays only on goal line plays
Chucky: It’s a bad thing when the demon from Paranormal Activity and the clown from It are creeped out by you.
Special Teams
The Blair Witch-She is great at cornering people.
The Mummy-Has no problem wrapping people up. “Get it?” (last comment contributed by Megan and her cheesy sense of humor)
The Leprachaun-put a piece of gold on the footbal and no blocker will stop him.
The Fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer-He knows where people will run and is great at catching them.
Movies, Films & Flix 