MY CALL: Good special effects, a dash of realistic biology and an interesting story make Trollhunter that which I always strive to find: something entertaining and unlike anything else I’ve seen. Clutch writing makes the characters as interesting as the monsters—a task which I feel is generally difficult. This film gets a solid, John-approved “A”. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) and Thale (2012). Both are also Scandinavian folklore-themed movies.
The movie opens with a mood-setting disclaimer that it was formed by chronologically assembling footage left behind by an anti-Mythbusters documentary film crew from the University of Volda. How very Norse-Blair Witch Project meets Cloverfield of them. The camerawork has all of the appeal of Cloverfield without the headache-inducing shakiness (except when briefly appropriate, for example, running from a troll!).
This film follows a group of student filmmakers as they follow Hans. Originally suspected of being a bear poacher, Hans is actually a somewhat bitter, poorly paid government employee charged with “troll management”. This sounds slapstick-ridiculous, but I swear it is delivered very well with a straight face. Hans is charged with tracking and killing trolls that have wandered from their government-delineated territory—like a secret wildlife preserve. He hopes that filming these creatures and informing the public could improve future troll management strategies…that, and he’s clearly sick of the secrecy and, perhaps, being under-appreciated.
Like a teenager on his first hunting trip with dad, they follow Hans’ instructions and wash their armpits and crotch thoroughly before applying “troll scent” which, by their reactions, likely smells like a melted corpse. One last piece of advice: don’t be a Christian. Evidently trolls hate Christians and all things Christian. Muslims, on the other hand, should be okay.
The depictions of the trolls stayed in the true spirit of classic folklore. But still there was a subtle attempt to explain a bit about troll biology. As a biologist, I found this charming. The extra heads (accessory organs, really) that some trolls develop throughout their life cycle assist them in peacocking to impress females and to intimidate other trolls. There are also two species (groups), each with various subspecies (types), of trolls. In as detailed a manner as one could expect from a movie like this, they even explain why trolls turn to stone when exposed to ultraviolet light (and why some explode instead).
Troll detection, tracking, various baiting techniques, gestation periods, intelligence, and the simple fact that they are mammals are all addressed, even if only briefly. It’s all very cool, understated, and strangely realistic–despite the trolls.
The behavior and variety of the trolls they encounter make this film feel like Where the Wild Things Are for fanboys. There are several different troll scenes and the types of trolls differ as much as the circumstances of their encounter. While the effects are not amazing, they are every bit as good as they need to be to maintain the credibility of a world in which trolls exist and, more importantly, to keep us entertained. I never felt that the effects “could have been better”.
If you like monster movies then this is a MUST SEE for you!
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), the film that paved the way for the modern horror paradigm
MY CALL: If you claim to love horror movies and have not seen this film by modern horror pioneer Tobe Hooper, then you are simply lying to yourself! This not only changed the flavor and face of horror, but changed how everyone would make horror movies for the next 40 years. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: The Hills Have Eyes series (1977, 1984, 2006, 2007) and Wrong Turn (2003).
I often refer to the “classic Wrong Turn/Hills Have Eyes/Texas Chainsaw“ formula in which a group of four to six twenty-somethings (often including one or two couples) go on a road trip out in some backwoods-y wilderness and, just like The Cabin in the Woods taught us, meet a harbinger of bad things to come. This harbinger comes in the form of an iffy hitch hiker, a weird gas station attendant missing some teeth with open wounds on his face or a clearly inbred shop owner who awkwardly ogles the girls, gives the stank eye to the guys, and seems angry by their very presence. But these soon-to-be victims don’t bat an eye at him nor do they hesitate to enter dilapidated homes festooned with warning signs.
Well…this is the movie. Director Tobe Hooper (Poltergeist, The Funhouse, Lifeforce, Salem’s Lot) cast this classic mold with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This model has been sampled by so many filmmakers that it honestly seems that any horror flick that isn’t a haunting, possession or house movie has a 50/50 shot of using this model as if it was simply “the way” to make a scary movie.
So let’s meet our victims… Sally Hardesty (Marylin Burns; Eaten Alive, Future-Kill), Franklin Hardesty (Paul A. Partain; Texas Chainsaw 3-D), Jerry, Kirk (William Vail; Poltergeist, Mausoleum) and Pam (Teri McMinn) travel to Sally and Franklin’s grandpa’s old house where they are terrorized by a chainsaw wielding killer and the Sawyer family of grave-robbing cannibals.
As Sally, Marylin Burns gets put through the ringer. The 70s and 80s were really good at physically testing their female leads (e.g., I Spit on Your Grave, The Last House on the Left). She runs a lot, watches her brother’s brutal murder, falls out of a second story window, screams to no end, gets beaten and bound, beaten in a burlap sack, has blood sucked from her finger by grandpa Sawyer, gets hit in the head with a hammer, and ultimately transforms into a sweaty, twitchy, blood-drenched, hysterical mess.
Horror master Tobe Hooper brought us this classic, brutal slasher-horror which accomplished something that we really didn’t have before: horror in broad daylight. And that’s not all! Hooper’s man-child menace Leatherface (Gunnar Hanson; Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Texas Chainsaw 3-D) brought us all the terror with none of the foreplay.
Great scene! Instilling terror on a beautiful sunny day.
Conventional, well-orchestrated horror and slasher flicks gradually build tension, giving the audience time to anticipate and dread whatever horrors lurk around the corner for the guy who will “be right back.” Instead, Leatherface whips open the door, drags a woman into the basement and impales her onto a meat hook (screaming!) so quickly that our subconscious hardly knows how to react. Leatherface is the perfect anthropomorphization of menace.
Such scenes of unorthodox, blatant, undelayed brutality shaped a new shocking style of horror that has historically left many leaving theaters rocking back and forth in need of therapy. I mean, Leatherface chainsaws a guy in a wheelchair. Who does that!?! Among so many other things, Tobe Hooper brought us an often duplicated shot: the rear-shot approach of the deadly house.
Lovers of the Hostel series, the Saw series, the Wrong Turn series, The Hills Have Eyes series or other such fare should pay homage to this forefather of torture porn, brutality and the classic horror paradigm.
Share this post:
Hello all. Mark here.
fellow contributor Sweet Sugar suggested that we start a new post series called “What is this poster trying to communicate?
We look at a new poster and use our intellectual prowess to analyze the poster in hilarious and pithy ways. This weeks discussion didn’t last long because John of John’s Horror Corner and other gems nailed it quickly and correctly. Take a look!
John: Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There you have it. Ninjas + Wolverine = lots of primal yelling.
Share this post:
MY CALL: If you enjoy weird, random, funny, sci-fi, grossout-y stuff, then this odd film is probably for you. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Here are a few movies that share some of the qualities of this. The Watch (2012; zany aliens), Donnie Darko (2001; uber-psychological cosmic trippy weirdness), Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998; trippy), The Salton Sea (2002; trippy at times).
First, a disclaimer: I have not read the fan-favorite book by David Wong. I didn’t even know there was a book until after seeing this film. It seems that a lot of reviewers who were fans of the book were disappointed by this movie “as an adaptation.” However, being ignorant of the book, I thought the movie was fine…
Meet Dave, a weird guy who meets weird people in weird places.
Two well-cast young actors performed fantastically as our protagonists John and Dave, who have some very strange talents in David Wong’s adapted story. They’re clairvoyant…among other things…sort of…it’s hard to explain. A new street drug called “soy sauce” opens doors to other dimensions and melds time…no, not just by your perception, but ACTUALLY…but only when someone is doing the drug….wait…does this make sense? Long story short, this makes for some weird shit. The sauce is what grants John and Dave their seemingly prophetic psychic talents which include communicating with the dead and a knowledge of the unknowable.
Dave and John.
Soy Sauce
This movie is like an American, softer-R version of Tokyo Gore Shock (e.g., Tokyo Gore Police, Dead Sushi). Lots of weird, gross, inappropriate things happen all over the place. A door handle transmutes into a penis and testicles, a bunch of meat from a freezer assembles like Voltron into a meat monster, a woman randomly turns into a bunch of snakes…
Meat Monster
We also get vomit, weird gross mutant monsters, flying mustache-bats, dismemberment, cartoon gore and weird slug monsters (even better than the killer slugs from Slugs). I was especially fond of “the bratwurst scene.” It’s understated and brief, but hilarious and brilliant. There’s a lot of stuff like that in this film.
“Hello…? Must be a bad connection.”
Very much unlike Tokyo Gore Shock movies, this film actually had some clever writing and was entertaining when weird special effects weren’t driving the scenes. There didn’t seem to be much in the way of character development, but the actors did very well with what they were given. The story also seemed to get a little bit shaky and forced in the last 20-30 minutes. It felt like they were trying to shoehorn too many subplot resolutions into one movie ending. But I enjoyed it anyway. Paul Giamatti (Win Win, Rock of Ages) was great as Arnie, skeptical of Dave’s psychedelic (or psychotic) claims. But after a little convincing things get interesting.
Cameos include the very strange Roger North (Doug Jones; The Watch, Hellboy), who tries to orient Dave to the madness of the merging dimensions. Speaking of madness, Clancy Brown (Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens) makes a totally random cameo as a zany mentalist.
This is one of those movies that starts out weird, as things are explained it somehow gets weirder, and then it gets weirder still! It’s sort of like a rated R, semi-serious version of Dude Where’s My Car (2000) with some quasi-Cthulu elements.
If you enjoy weird, random, funny, sci-fi, grossout-y stuff, then this odd film is probably for you. I was intentionally unrevealing about this film because there is a lot that could be ruined by spoilers. So, if you feel uninformed, just know I did it for you.
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: An American Werewolf in London (1981), the greatest werewolf movie of all time!
MY CALL: Well, if you’re in the market for a great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made! [A+] IF YOU LIKE THIS THEN WATCH: Second best might be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously. Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks. Ginger Snaps (2000) is a metaphor for puberty, Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004) is a worthy sequel that takes a strange turn, and An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) serves as a coming of manhood from college man-childhood–but it’s more of a positive journey. If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987). But skip Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988), Howling V: The Rebirth (1989), Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) and The Howling: Reborn (2011).
Steering clear of formulaic horror movie plot clichés, An American Werewolf in London avoids immature promiscuous summer campers and delinquent drug-using twenty-somethings with loose morals as we are introduced to our protagonists David (David Naughton; Ice Cream Man, Big Bad Wolf) and Jack (Griffin Dunne; 40 Days and 40 Nights). Yes, they’re twenty-somethings. And yes, they have their quippy repartees. But their immaturity is no more than an otherwise responsible pair of men enjoying a night of manhood away from the wife and kids. They’re actually somewhat mature when things aren’t crazy.
Oh, yes! Let’s stop there for a drink. That’s a great idea!
They unintentionally make their way to The Slaughtered Lamb Pub, a northern Englishman’s locals-only sort of place adorned with a pentacle on the wall. They are a backwoodsy, superstitious and secretive lot. More fearful of the locals than anything they could encounter among the full moon, dreary weather and local fauna, they flee into the wilderness to be met with some sort of animal attack. David in injured by this “animal.”
During his recovery David dreams about some in-the-buff jaunts in the forest followed by some very disturbing visions of evil “werewolf soldiers.” As clearly indicated by the movie’s title, this recovery occurs in London, he occasionally turns into a werewolf and people get eaten. David’s lovely nurse Alex (Jenny Agutter; Logan’s Run, Child’s Play 2) takes a shining to him and invites him to stay with her.
While David lives with the curse of lycanthropy, his victims are also cursed. These now undead victims appear before David, flayed and gory, and serve as an “everything you ever wanted to know about werewolves, full moons and lycanthropy” guide. As we see David’s undead victims throughout the film their level of decomposition advances and you can’t help but to smile when they point that out. Great make-up, by the way! Sprinkling more comedic charm on this gory horror are the sharp-tongued jokes and off color behavior of David’s haunters.
The transformation scenes are really something. We see his hands slowly elongate and HEAR his bones and tendons stretching, giving root to the maddening pain he seems to be going through–shit, I almost FELT it myself. So then, when his vertebrae elevate, his shoulder blades protrude and his skull begins to elongate you predict more pain as if you were watching someone brace themselves before resetting your dislocated shoulder. His nudity during this scene properly conveys his vulnerability and you genuinely feel sympathy for all of his suffering. All the while, some ironically pleasant music is playing in the background on Alex’s record player in her kitschy living room.
Fully transformed, he looks like a wolf after an “evil” HGH binge on chest and arms day. But not so much like a wolf-man. This is a nice change of pace even when compared to today’s werewolves in which our shapeshifters become regular-sized normal looking wolves (e.g., Hemlock Grove), giant normal looking wolves (e.g., the Twilight Saga, Red Riding Hood), wolves from a twisted R-rated Alice in Wonderland (e.g., Ginger Snaps), classic wolfmen (e.g., The Wolfman, Wolf, Teen Wolf), the wolfman on steroids (e.g., Van Helsing, Cursed) or the reversed man-wolf (e.g., the Underworld series, Being Human, An American Werewolf in Paris).
Writer/director John Landis is epic in comedy–having brought us Animal House (1978), The Blues Brothers (1979), Trading Places (1983) and Coming to America (1986) to name a few–and he’s even had other successful forays in a least semi-humorous or satirical horror (e.g., The Twilight Zone movie, Innocent Blood), but I find it stunning that he was responsible for the greatest werewolf movie of all time! And this is hardly just my opinion. While some favor The Howling (1981) or Ginger Snaps (2000), online lists tend to include London in the top five or six (if not #1) more than any other.
The Undying Monster (1942)
The story is good, but clearly not without some forgivable issues. What made this movie truly great was Landis’ ability to be brilliantly funny at times, while keeping a straight, serious, even brutal tone during the violent, rending scenes, the wincing transformation and the final scene with nurse Alex and David such that I wouldn’t dare call this a straight up horror-comedy or a satire; simply a great, very serious werewolf movie that also happens to be often funny when things aren’t dire.
It doesn’t matter how old you are. The effects truly hold up and stand the test of time so don’t worry that the lack of CGI will make it uncool. Just see it!!!
Share this post:
MY CALL: This movie was pretty “neat” but ultimately lacked the impressive storytelling (of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale), character development (of Let The Right One In) or creature-based intrigue (of Troll Hunter) of other genre-fan-acclaimed Scandinavian favorites. If you like any of these other movies then you’ll probably find Thale‘s allure to be irresistible. Just set your expectations appropriately for more of a good idea presented as a single-serving; almost an extended one-act augmented by flavorful flashbacks. IF YOU LIKE THIS THEN WATCH: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010), Let The Right One In (2008; remade as Let Me in (2010) stateside) and Troll Hunter (2010) are three more Scandinavian approaches to folklore taken seriously in modern settings. Way out of left field, but Deadgirl (2008) has an oddly similar and impressive female role. PRODUCT NOTE: I bought the DVD/BluRay combo and the English dubbing was not very good, smacking of the wooden English voiceovers of Anime.
Leo (Jon Sigve Skard) and Elvis (Erlend Nervold) run “No Shit Cleaning Service.” They are basically a dead body clean-up crew and Leo is much more strong-stomached than his queasy partner. On one of their jobs disposing of a dead man they come across an underground dwelling that looks like a mix of a science lab and a bomb shelter complete with weird recordings as if made by a researcher on his stenograph. While exploring this “lab” they find a strange, mute, naked woman (Silje Reinåmo; Bak lukkede dører) hiding in a bathtub.
The recordings reveal that she is “Thale”, that she has been down there for decades without food, and that there are others like her and that they want her–or something from her. Thale possesses preternatural strength and the gift of ESP/Telepathy, which she uses to communicate to Elvis why she was being kept down in that bunker.
As Leo and Elvis try to figure out exactly who (or even what) Thale is, their stay in the bunker becomes a fight for survival against “something or someone.” Meanwhile, we gradually learn more about Thale, her origin and those who seek her.
Much to my surprise, Silje Reinåmo spends a lot of this movie at least partially naked, portraying the serious and challenging role of a creature that doesn’t speak but is filled with fear and curiosity. She communicates a powerful range of emotions with her physical demeanor, facial expressions, and especially her eyes. She does a fantastic job with her almost alien expressions and movements that resemble a feral, animalistic early adolescence. This role reminds me of Jenny Spain‘s starring role in Deadgirl (2008), during which Spain faced even more challenging and limiting restrictions.
Another shock was decent creature effects. It was all CGI, but done well (except for the action, when the quality degenerated). This struck me as a lower mid-budget film, so I forgave that.
This movie was pretty “neat” but ultimately lacked the impressive storytelling (of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale), character development (of Let The Right One In) or creature-based intrigue (of Troll Hunter) of other genre fan-acclaimed Scandinavian favorites. If you like any of these other movies then you’ll probably find Thale‘s allure to be irresistible. Just set your expectations appropriately for more of a good idea presented as a single-serving; almost an extended one-act augmented by flavorful flashbacks.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Silje Reinåmo as Thale, our resident Huldra.
A look at the mythology behind Thale… This section was written before I saw the movie and, thus, contains no direct spoilers. According to an online source the title Thale is pronounced as “tail” (but with a “th” in the movie) and, in Norwegian, means “of noble disposition,” in this case referring to the different species that the huldra represents. Clever. The story from the folklore is called “Huldra.” A hulder/huldra is a woman with a cow tail who lives in the woods. Hulders wait to encounter woodsmen, seduce them with their terrestrial siren song, and presumably kill them as the woodsmen never return to their village. I wonder how deep into the movie our boys will figure this out…or will it even be a factor in the movie?
Nope. He didn’t figure it out yet.
There are variations on the mythology. In some stories the huldra lures men into the forest for sexual encounters, rewarding the satisfactory men and killing the poor performers. In other stories they kidnap men or lure them to the underworld. Other accounts involve stealing newborns and replacing them with their own ugly “huldra-born” children, forced marriages with humans, hybrid offspring, and even happily ever afters with Christian men. There are even different physical forms, or species or races (?), of huldras.
After my online research and before seeing this movie, I was expecting a more “horrific” angle of this mythology than even the trailer suggested; perhaps a beautiful creature with a dangerous appetite. Some of the images and clips floating around the internet of a (??perhaps “transformed”?? ) huldra almost remind me of Species.
Share this post:
MY CALL: This flick is like an homage to 80s campy horror. The story is laughably dumb, the monster isn’t credible (even for B-horror), and every female member of the cast gets naked. That said, I was transported to my mother’s basement and a teenage state of mind that allowed me to enjoy this for what it is, a deliberately campy horror flick. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Enjoy some cabin camping with Evil Dead (2013), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010) and Cabin Fever (2002).
In the spirit of good taste and classic horror campiness, this movie follows in the bold footsteps of The Funhouse (1981) and Of Unknown Origin (1983) by opening with a gratuitous nudity scene. Not just a couple nips either; you see EVERYTHING. I think I could see her uterus. LMFAO. After what felt like minutes of watching this beautiful woman swimming naked in a swamp–who does that anyway–she comes to a gruesome end.
Needless to say, I’m not expecting much from a movie that resorts to such tactics. But, then again, both The Funhouse (1981) and Of Unknown Origin (1983) did the same thing and they turned out to be great (as far as low budget 80s horror goes).
Following the classic Wrong Turn/Hills Have Eyes/Texas Chainsaw formula, a group of six twenty-somethings (three couples) are on a road trip and, just like The Cabin in the Woods taught us, meet the harbinger of bad things to come but don’t bat an eye at him. In this case, the harbinger is cameo’d by Sid Haig (Galaxy of Terror, Lords of Salem) and his backwater gas station shop workers. Pruitt Taylor Vince (Identity, Constantine) plays another of the local crazies.
Our attractive victims include Mehcad Brooks (True Blood), Serinda Swan (Tron: Legacy, Percy Jackson and the Olympians), Amanda Fuller (Freerunner), Aaron Hill (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), Lauren Schneider (Red White & Blue) and Dillon Casey…oh, and a lot of their skin.
So what’s hunting our attractive cast? Some mutated alligator man of Louisiana bayou folklore complete with a flashback backstory for an extra bit of flavor. It’s lame, but I’m entertained nonetheless. It’s stupidity actually functions as its charm.
http://macabrebros.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/creature-2011/
Oh, what a surprise, it wants to mate.
Our cast make their way to the scariest cabin in the woods since the Evil Dead cabin. Of course, they decide to spend the night. However, I maintain that any other stylish group of people like these would decide to sleep in the car over a filthy, decrepit, moss-covered lean-to of a shanty house. At this point our alligator man isn’t sure if he’s supposed to kill them. But then they started drinking and smoking pot, so…yeah, according to the Horror Movie Playbook now he knows to kill them. Throw in some drunk girl on girl action and you know they’re goners!
http://bmoviesofthedigitalage.blogspot.com/2012/03/creature-2011.html
As for the monster, we never see much of it in the first half of the movie. Instead, we see something out of focus move in the background, a close-up of a monstrous claw, some blood splashes on the wall and then, finally, a bloody claw. It’s typical low budget fare. When we are graced with full body shots of the monster, it’s during ill-lit night scenes to mask the “guy in the rubber suit” monster make-up. The rubber suit is pretty bad. Needless to say, I wasn’t at all impressed with the effects. I’ve seen much better work on ScyFy’s Face Off.
http://richmwaters.blogspot.com/2013/02/instant-reaction-creature-2011.html
http://monsterminions.wordpress.com/2011/10/04/creature-2011/the-creature-2/
But don’t worry, they make up for that with a tragically awful ending.
Let’s face it. This wasn’t good. But I was actually entertained by how classically not good it was.
Share this post:
Hello all. Mark here.
The 16 are now 8. Upsets were aplenty as Parker Posey and The Gingerdead Man toppled their competition with head kicks, one-liners and names like Millard Findlemeyer.
The greatest thing about this tournament is there is no way to predict who will win. It is a random force of nature that is now anchored by sharks who kill with fantastic timing, unpredictable air and a man who is “too unpredictable even for brackets.” This tournament offers more surprises then this creepy ladies questions.
Last week my brother asked me “what is a poop monster?” I told him the poop monster was an alien that looked like poop and harassed Timothy Olyphant, Damian Lewis and an odd eyebrowed Morgan Freeman in Dreamcatcher. His question made me realize that these villains are pretty obscure so the following post will give brief explanations and insights into the remaining angry eight.
via my wonderful fiancée at MADesigns
The Mega Shark,
Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus transcended bad and went into awful awesomeness. It looked like it was filmed on wax paper and the CGI/SFX were straight out of the early 80s. However, it amassed a huge following and the trailer was watched millions of times on Yahoo and Youtube. Also, this scene became famous.
Mega Shark was enjoyable because it told a po-faced story that didn’t feature tongue in cheek moments (Sharktopus) or embrace the badness. The movie made me excited for whatever the shlock production company Asylum came up with next. However, the do no wrong glow started to fade as movies like Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Titanic 2, 2010: Moby Dick, Almighty Thor and 2-Headed Shark attack, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and Mega Piranha became increasingly hard to watch. Mega Shark was so good/bad it captured the nations imagination and allowed a tiny company to have its 15 minutes of fame.
Gerard Butler’s hair in Dracula 2000
In the words of co-writer John Leavengood “That dude’s hair was like feathered testosterony bouncy dark locks of sexuality.” I don’t remember anything about Dracula 2000 but I did recall a well-groomed Dracula sulking around and killing good-looking actors. The hair has become a common phrase within my circle of friends and is evidenced in my discussion with fellow contributor VJ. He said “I need a job like Butler needed three hair dressers for Dracula.
I covered this film for a Bad Movie Tuesday post a long time ago and I found this nugget.
“The most important thing not to do is carry around hair gel. The only thing Dracula craves more than blood is hair styling products. The reason I say this is because Gerard Butler struts around New Orleans with hair so wavy surfers couldn’t ride it. When you become a vampire does your hair become instantly perfect? I ask this because Butler’s hair flows majestically in the wind with nary any upkeep.
The Air from The Happening
The Happening is a strange film about killer air, mass suicide and a guy getting his arm ripped off by a lion. The movie took a beating by the critics and has since become a cult classic of unintentional badness. Wahlberg has expressed his displeasure “ It is what it is. F**king trees, man. The plants. F**k it.” The poor guy just wanted to play a science teacher.
For instance, if you want to get a feel for this film watch this clip entitled “Mark Wahlberg talks to a tree.”
The Leprechaun from all those silly Leprechaun movies.
The Leprechaun went to the hood TWICE, looked for gold three times and been to space once. He also came up with this rhyme that is both painful and impossible to turn away from.
NSFW
Parker Posey from Blade: Trinity
Parker Posey is a beaken of light amidst the black hole of dumb that was Blade: Trinity. She vamped it up and while Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel struggled to deal with a surly Wesley Snipes (Read Patton Oswalt’s great AV Club interview). She kicks people in the face, spouts one-liners and worries about skin care while everything is going wrong around her. She is a yuppy vampire whom instantly regrets awakening the bald Abercrombie & Fitch Dracula. I bet she was hoping for a well quaffed Gerard Butler but instead was threatened with silver farts, big hair and wonderful insults.
Gary Busey as the Gingerdead Man
This is what happens when you explain the Gingerdead Man to your brother.
Mark: The Gingerdead Man is about Gary Busey’s serial killer soul being inserted into a demented gingerbread man. Look at it as if the gingerbread man from Shrek went evil and sounded like Gary Busey.
Erik: That’s weird bro.
Watch the trailer. IT IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. However, the squeal noise 12 seconds in is amazing.
The Shark Who Ate Sam Jackson in Deep Blue Sea
I worked in a movie theater for five years and the scene where Sam Jackson meets his demise got the loudest reaction I’d ever heard. People went bonkers for the CGI shark and it’s amazing timing. What I love about Deep Blue Sea is that you are suppossed to believe that these sharks are herding the scientists into various chambers in order to free themselves. It was the first DVD I bought and I think it is an underrated masterpiece of dumb.
The Motherf***ing Snakes on a Plane
Fueled by the internet these snakes became cult classics before the film was released. Hearing Sam Jackson spout obscentites while thousands of feet in the air pushed the vocal internet nerdy minority into a feeding frenzy. Everybody thought the movie was going to be a massive hit until everybody saw it. Expectations were burst and the movie didn’t live up to the Sam Jackson punching snakes mythos envisioned. However, you have to appreciate a movie that captured the world’s attention via strategic Sam Jackson profanity.
NSFW
Vote. Share. Like. Like again. Send to friends. Comment. Enjoy. Thanks!
Share this post:
Pain and Gain (2013), my favorite movie of 2013!
MY CALL: Pain & Gain is everything that I thought I wanted out of a bro-down action-comedy and then some. If you’re a bro, see this movie. I don’t think I’ll enjoy any movie more this year! IF YOU LIKE THIS THEN WATCH: Bad Boys (1995) and Bad Boys 2 (2003).
Pain & Gain is everything that I thought I wanted out of a bro-down action-comedy and then some. There’s muscles, lots and lots of muscles, weightlifting, knocking people the f@$# out, zany crime schemes, loads of hot girls in skimpy dresses and thong bikinis and sometimes nothing at all, dudes talking about getting ripped, humorous accidental murder, an idiot who thinks he’s a mastermind, some middle-of-the-road comedic torture scenes (but nothing hard to watch), adult sex toys and the unavoidable humor that comes with them, gun fights, idiotic disguises, chase scenes, The Rock hilariously getting cracked out on drugs, inappropriate scenes involving a priest, an AMAZING cameo by Ken Jeong, the traumatic loss of a toe, disposal of dead bodies, embracing the notion of the chubby-chaser, erectile dysfunction…and things constantly go wrong in the funniest of ways.
This all leads to the most ridiculous courtroom criminal trial scene and somehow this is based on a true story!!!!!
This movie enjoys the narration of the ever-personable Mark Wahlberg (Contraband, Ted) as Danny Lugo. Lugo is a personal trainer striving for physical self-improvement in the form of muscle mass–and is doing a pretty good job of it–but he wants more. He wants the riches and the women; he wants what “the other guy has.” In this case, the other guy is Lugo’s blow-hard arrogant client Victor (Tony Shaloub; Thirteen Ghosts, Galaxy Quest). During training sessions Victor narcissistically runs his mouth about everything he owns and how happy he is to have it, and this gets Lugo salivating. After Lugo attends an over-the-top self-help seminar from Ken Jeong (The Hangover 2), he decides that he is a “doer” not a “don’ter” and he decides to get off his ass and take what he deserves…Victor’s money!
Lugo recruits Adrian (Anthony Mackie; The Adjustment Bureau, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) and the recently saved, sober and released from prison Paul (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; Fast Five, G. I. Joe: Retaliation). Together, these three bumbling fools engage in kidnapping and heists which they believe to be brilliant but lack a certain technical soundness. Much to my glee, they’re quite far from brilliant. But they achieve their goals in the most roundabout of ways and it is hilarious at all stages.
Wahlberg has played the fool before (e.g., Boogie Nights, The Other Guys, Ted) and he does it at least as well here. But the real shocker is Johnson, who plays his most over-the-top, weird, funny role ever. He preaches AA lines like gospel, seeks to save Victor while torturing him and gets re-hooked on drugs–which leads to some amazingly funny scenes of a tweaked out 6’4″ 260 pounder with crazy eyes and a Fear and Loathing smile. These guys must have had a blast on the set improvising these scenes because a lot of one-liners and exchanges were priceless.
Among their lies, they pose as famous filmmakers and CIA agents to win the heart of a stripper, who joins their CIA “team,” and make a mess of their attempts to be smooth movie criminals. Later, their involvement with the porn king of southern California gets predictably out of hand as well.
Some great supporting roles come from Ed Harris (Game Change, Man on a Ledge), who does a fine job as an ex-cop private investigator with a lot of local PD clout, and Rebel Wilson (Bridesmaids, Pitch Perfect), a physician’s assistant who catches Mackie’s eye.
I’m not saying this was necessarily a great movie to the masses. But for me, a Wahlberg/Johnson movie fan and action movie aficionado, this movie was perfect. I loved EVERY MINUTE of the often tasteless, shallow antics and also enjoyed Michael Bay’s obligatory explosions and chaotic gunfire (which was well-placed a few times in the movie).
If you’re a bro, see this movie.
Share this post:
Iron Man 3
Shane Black + Robert Downey Jr. + a character driven standalone script = A wonderful film that will undoubtedly make a billion dollars and keep the Marvel train rolling.
Iron Man 3 is a breath of fresh air and fantastic way to start off Marvel’s phase two. In 2008 Iron Man exploded onto the screen and surprised everybody. It was funny, exhilarating, critically loved (93% RT) and made Robert Downey Jr. a superstar. It was the perfect way to introduce the world to Marvel’s characters while setting a high bar for quality. The grounded in reality script appealed to the mainstream which allowed Marvel to wisely introduce small doses of cosmic forces in Hulk, Thor, Captain America, Avengers and now Guardians of the Galaxy and Ant Man.
I was stoked when I heard Shane Black (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) was directing the newest Iron Man installment. I knew the script would be a breezy blast of humor, action and snark. It wouldn’t stick to traditional narrative and most likely annoy comic enthusiasts. Black rejuvenated RDJ’s career with his role on KKBB (you have to see it now!) and Iron Man 1 & 2 director Jon Favreau fought to bring in the historically troubled funny man for the role of Tony Stark. The gamble paid off and the result is over two billion dollars at the box office and home video. RDJ made $50 million for The Avengers and with IR3 already accumulating $450 million worldwide the investment seems like a smart and expensive one.
What I appreciate about Iron Man 3 is that it doesn’t phone it in. It doesn’t make the mistake of bigger is better. Instead, it scales down at certain moments and allows for Downey Jr. and crew to embrace their characters and provide levity amongst the CGI. You will love Don Cheadle’s password and the hilarious henchmen. IM 3 takes chances with the comic book story, has genuine surprises and effective bad guys. What the first two Iron Man films were lacking were threatening villains. Thor has Loki. Captain America had Red Skull and the Winter Soldier. Iron Man was threatened by an angry bald dude, a heavy breathing Mickey Rourke and the always hilarious but never menacing Sam Rockwell . Also, both films ended with action scenes full of CGI robots and underwhelming results. The finale of this film is an intelligent masterstroke of character and plot development despite the stock shipyard setting.
The bad guys in the film are memorable, surprising and threatening to the Stark world. Ben Kingsley, Guy Pearce, James Badge Dale and several henchmen get multiple scenes to shine yet are not evil enough to justify the Avenger’s reassembling. Thus, it is believable that Downey jr. Cheadle and Paltrow are left to battle the threat while spouting wonderful dialogue and looking good.
I won’t give away the surprises of Iron Man 3 because it would wreck the ride. The movie is an unpretentious blast of summer movie air. Let’s hope the movie going public doesn’t get bored with these films because there is a lot of gold to mined from the Marvel universe.
Watch the film. Don’t dig too deep. Don’t be annoyed by the shipyard battle. Hope Downey Jr. will be back in The Avengers 2.
Movies, Films & Flix 
