MY CALL: Along with Happy Death Day (2017), this film is setting the new standard for the horror-comedy. Wonderfully written, acted and shot, filled with great characters, and on top of that it’s both hilarious and gory, yet never scary. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Babysitter: Few films compare, but Piranha 3D (2010), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Final Destination 5 (2011), Cooties (2015), Deathgasm (2015), Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015) and especially Happy Death Day (2017) come to mind. For yet more horror comedy in general try Critters (1986), Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh (1991), Leprechaun (1993), Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009), Chillerama (2011), Piranha 3DD (2012), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Bad Milo (2013), Warm Bodies (2013), Burying the Ex (2014), Smothered (2014), Housebound (2014), Zombeavers (2014), The Voices (2014), He Never Died (2015), Ava’s Possessions (2015), The Final Girls (2015), What We Do in the Shadows (2015), Krampus (2015; not exactly comedy, but occasionally hilarious), Love in the Time of Monsters (2015) and The Greasy Strangler (2016).
I’ve just gotta’ say WOW. In the first 10-20 minutes of this film I had completely forgotten I was watching a horror movie as I was introduced to an array of wonderfully lovable characters. From our over-worrisome preteen Cole, to his endearingly mean bullies, his nice neighbor (Emily Alyn Lind; Lights Out, The Haunting in Connecticut 2), his awesome yet credibly funny and refreshingly “real” parents, and ultimately his off-the-charts perhaps coolest ever (to even her angsty, heavily crushing evening charge) babysitter Bee (Samara Weaving; Mayhem, Ash vs Evil Dead)—we can instantly gather how much the writer, director and cast cared about what would transpire on film. This is so funny, yet not quite over-the-top while still being over-the-top, that I could watch them on a sitcom or in a PG-13 comedy all day.
Director McG (Terminator Salvation) is an expert at likeable characters (Charlie’s Angels), feisty sexiness without being overly raunchy (Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle), and being occasionally over-the-top. And, you know what, it really shows here. He has clearly mastered his craft and did so crossing genres! No simple feat! It’s like McG is speaking to us of what he loves most about fatherhood, marriage and (mostly) adolescence through these characters. Cole’s boob stare was totally understandably human for a boy with a hot, geekcentric, cinephilic babysitter. We’ve all lived that moment of weakness and the scene didn’t feel cheap at all. Plus, she was so awesomely full of pop culture references! How could he not have a crush on her?
Bee is my dream girl. She includes a xenomorph egg, two Star Trek captains (from two different series) and the Independence Day gang in her intergalactic dream team, she breathes movie references dating back 35 years ago (e.g., E. T., Aliens, Predator), she’s geekathetic, and she’s gorgeous. From the time Bee rescues Cole from his bully to getting instructions from Cole’s Mom (Leslie Bibb; Flight 7500, Trick ‘r Treat, Midnight Meat Train, Hell Baby) and Dad (Ken Marino; Bad Milo) for her overnight babysitting gig, she is a charming joy to watch—and so is everyone else. I know, I won’t shut up about these characters. But they MADE THE MOVIE! And they made it awesome and fun and refreshing and rewatchable.
Best GIF ever. You’re welcome.
Bee and Cole proceed to enjoy the best babysitting day EVER complete with dance-offs, science fiction banter, swimming, homemade pizza and backyard movie projectors. After Cole goes to sleep, Bee’s friends John, Max, Sonya (Hana Mae Lee; Pitch Perfect 1-3), Allison (Bella Thorne; MTV’s Scream, Amityville: The Awakening) and Samuel (Doug Haley; Heroes) stop by for a game of Truth or Dare that takes an interesting turn into human sacrifice, witchcraft and what appears to be a flesh-bound Necronomicon.
Raimi-esque blood-spews ensue to maintain the grin-worthy nature of this horror comedy. Things turn into an occasionally gory mess, Cole rightfully questions Max’s shredded-abbed shirtlessness, cat-and-mouse victim hunting proceeds, and Cole finds clever (or accidental) ways to defeat his young adult foes as we are Ready Player One’d with yet more pop culture references to The Warriors (1979), Star Trek: TNG (1987-1994) and Friday the 13th (1980).
PODCAST SIDEBAR: If you want to know more about The Babysitter, check out our in-depth podcast discussion: Episode 129: The Babysitter. Mark did TONS of research on the film (along with a solid review) and the behind-the-scenes. You’ll walk away with an appreciation for how inconsiderate it was for Forrest Gump (1994) to eat Jenny’s chocolates, intergalactic space team assemblages, and whether Bee (Samara Weaving) is actually “evil” and how old she might truly be. You may also enjoy Episode 116: Happy Death Day.
That’s it, folks. I have nothing but love for this film and hope you watch and feel the same! Enjoy.
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MY CALL: Raunchy but not sleazy, this horror-comedy B-movie brings some satisfying gore and incredibly non-mainstream themes and humor to the table. MORE MOVIES LIKE Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh: I’d go with Frankenhooker (1990), Brain Damage (1988) and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988). Alternate Title: Picking Up the Pieces.
“Two cops and a detective’s daughter go after a chainsaw killer.” –IMDB
This cheap, B-movie, horror comedy boasts a tone that falls somewhere between a dark rated-R The Naked Gun (1988) and a more tasteful Troma film (if there is such a thing). This off-color atmosphere doesn’t really do it for me, or perhaps it was just the lousy dialogue and acting. However, its campiness was appreciated and by the end of the movie I found myself enjoying it. Maybe I just had to get into the right mindset. This is, after all, really ridiculous.
Getting past the weird tone, this cheesy movie dishes out a lot of premium B-movie cheap gore. As our detectives investigate a series of murders, the crime scenes are joyously messy with macabre chunkery. Culling the guts and brain matter aside, they discover obscure notes (inside the victims) written in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
The gore effects include an elaborate skull-sliced head, a silly autopsy, and an outstanding face-peeling scene. But the suction death was my favorite even though we see very little of it happening as the killer sucks the entire digestive tract through a woman’s mouth.
In order to conduct these murders, our killer travels about with a generator into which one must plug in the various killing implements which include industrial sucking machines, chainsaws and jackhammers—pretty much the kind of stuff you’d see on sale at Home Depot.
That moment when the Egyptian priestess in the sexy underwear and high heels strangles a hostage with a whip, taunts you with a chainsaw, and threatens to smush her in the trash compactor… that’s when you know you’ve hit quality B-movie territory.
My greatest issue with this film is how misleading the title is—not that this is an unusual case in B-movie history. The “blood-sucking” is limited to the suction death (which, yes, I did enjoy). I was hoping for a kooky kind of mummified Dusk til Dawn (1996) theme rather than a blood-bathing Egyptian ritual. But throw in some sexy Egyptian lady ninjas, a loony addiction clinic for smokers and a scantily clad chainsaw priestess (Veronica Hart), and I guess ass can be forgiven.
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This may seem like an absurd topic to write about but I felt the world needed this list. Just imagine that all of the characters below are immortal and are part of the Highlander world which means they gain power by chopping off each other’s heads. Thus, our hero Duncan MacLeod has to engage them in battle before they can become too powerful and potentially rule the world.
If you aren’t familiar with the Highlander world here is a very simple breakdown:
- The Highlander (Christopher Lambert) is somewhat immortal (long story… they need to die violently to become immortal, and can die if they don’t chop off other immortals heads once they become immortal)
- He stays immortal and gains more power (The Quickening) when he battles and decapitates another immortal (The Gathering). The last remaining immortal receives “The Prize.” However, if a jerky immortal wins the world goes into an eternal dark age
King Ghidorah – Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster
Normally I’m very good at figuring out the logistics of cinematic battles and weird movie moments (read my data post here). However, I have no clue how poor Duncan would be able to chop off Ghidorah’s three heads because it would involve climbing, chopping and a whole lot of sawing. Duncan’s best bet would be if he wasn’t noticed because he is so tiny and his sword strikes wouldn’t even register enough for Ghidorah to notice. An added downside of this fight is Duncan would have to climb up and down every day and there is the potential Ghidorah could fly away at any moment which means Duncan would have to follow it and hope it was there when he got to the location.
Conclusion: It might be best to leave Ghidorah alone.
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The Juggernaut – X-Men: The Last Stand
It would be almost impossible to kill an unstoppable mutant who has a metal hat over his head/neck. Even if Duncan were to land a solid strike his sword would bounce off the metal and potentially break. Also, the juggernaut is a fast sonuvabitch who at the sign of danger would simply run through a brick wall and escape. I can’t think of anything more terrifying than the Juggernaut running towards me with a sword, and I’m guessing any immortal battling him would feel the same way.
Conclusion: Maybe attack the Juggernaut when he’s sleeping.
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The Headless Horseman – Sleepy Hollow
I added The Headless Horseman because the idea of the Highlander battling someone who doesn’t have a head is really funny. Imagine the absurdity of the situation as poor Duncan swings in vain as he and the horseman parry for hours. It’s safe to say that Duncan would tire out eventually and would have to retreat in shame when he realizes it’s impossible to decapitate a person who doesn’t have a head.
Conclusion: This might be the end of Duncan.
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Jeebs – Men in Black
How annoying would it be to think you’ve won a battle and quickly realize you have to chop someone’s head off again (and again)? It would be exhausting to battle Jeebs because the thrill of victory would soon lead to depression when you realize all your hacking is for naught. The best bet is to go by Jeebs place once-a-day and chop off his head. It would be annoying for both of you, but at least you’re trying to attain more power and not taking up too much of his time in the process.
Conclusion: I feel bad for Jeebs.
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The Thing – The Thing (1982)
What would you swing at? Would it spit gross stuff at you? Would it look all nasty and squishy? Seriously, you would never know where its head is and getting close to the thing would mean certain death (via grossness). If you chopped off the head would it just grow legs and walk away? There are so many questions here it makes battling the four characters above seem easy (and less gross)
Conclusion: Call Kurt Russell and Keith David and let them battle it.
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What movie characters did I leave out? Let me know in the comments.
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MY CALL: Basically, this is a low budget Australian Leatherface film starring a giant actor who does justice to the monster he’s playing. MORE MOVIES LIKE Charlie’s Farm: This movie most closely seems to follow the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974-2017), Wrong Turn (2003-2014), Hills Have Eyes (1977-2007) and Rob Zombie franchises (e.g., Halloween I-II, House of 1000 Corpses). For more Australian horror, try Razorback (1984), Wolf Creek (2005), The Howling III: Marsupials (1987), Dark Age (1987), Rogue (2007), Black Water (2007), Boar (2018; also featuring Nathan Jones, by the way) and Wyrmwood (2014).
When you hear the tagline, you can’t help but to think these people (i.e., the cast of victims) had it coming… Two couples (including Tara Reid; Urban Legend, A Return to Salem’s Lot, Sharknado 1-6) venture Australia’s outback to intentionally visit “Charlie’s Farm,” a place with a horribly violent history. Now why would you go and do that?
Naturally, our vacationing explorers ignore the stereotypical harbinger and proceed to their ill-fated destination despite the fact that the two girls in the group find his creepy warnings more than a tad compelling.
Yup. This shot does look familiar. It basically mashes up the victims’ approach to the cabin in The Evil Dead I-II/remake (1981, 1987, 2013) with the house in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Written and directed by Chris Sun (Boar), this Aussie Texas Chainsaw-ish movie is as troped as it is gory. It opens hard and brutal, then slowly drags for an hour of insufferably weak dialogue and exposition before releasing the Australian Kraken for the final (and thankfully exciting) third act. It’s not unlike Hatchet II (2010) and Victor Crowley (2017), in terms of pacing.
Flashbacks illustrate Charlie (Nathan Jones; Boar, Mad Max: Fury Road) as a child, his messed-up father John (Bill Mosely, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, House of 1000 Corpses, House), and the environment that reared his monstrous psychopathy. Such a childhood would easily yield a Leatherface or Victor Crowley, without a doubt.
As Charlie Nathan Jones is immense, working in the film’s favor. And, although the intensity of his presence has a short shelf life on screen, the head crushing, penis-slicing and force-feeding, lower jaw-ripping, and some nudity keep things rather lively.
At some point a concerned parent (of these twenty or thirty-somethings) heads out to look for them. It’s a nice role for Kane Hodder (Smothered, Death House Hatchet 1-4, Friday the 13th parts VII-X), and the Hodder-Jones fight more than a little satisfying even if the action lacked “splendid” choreography.
The movie strangely ends right on a kill. I guess they couldn’t be troubled to try and wrap it up. Or perhaps that was just another simple chapter in Charlie’s tourist-slaughtering Summer. But overall this was dumb gory fun, it was cool seeing Nathan Jones using his immense size to play a monster, and I enjoyed it for what it was. After all, I wasn’t exactly expecting much.
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The MFF podcast is back and we’re talking about Deadpool 2 and its abundance of sh*t-spackled-muppet-farts. If you are looking for a movie that features wholesale murder, bodies ripped apart and a very lucky hero named Domino, you are in luck! Deadpool 2 is an absolute blast that does a great job building off the original and expanding its world to include the derivative X-Force and time travel. In this podcast, we will be going really deep into spoiler territory and we’ve done our research to make sure any of your lingering questions are answered. Get ready to hear about the production, cameos, spoilers and little tidbits that will make you understand how much work Ryan Reynolds put into Deadpool 2.
We love Peter (AKA Sugar Bear)
As always, we answer random listener questions and discuss if Spider-Man is a better dancer than Deadpool. If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
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If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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While watching Predators I felt bad for the special forces guy named Drake (thank you prequel comic) who spent many days building an intricate trap and having it fail spectacularly. I kept wondering how the guy was able to pull together boatloads of materials (wood, vines, rocks) without being heard or seen while preparing a trap that covered about 50 yards. there must’ve been a lot of cutting, scraping, grunting, swearing and hacking, and it seems virtually impossible that it wouldn’t be noticed. This trap went well beyond what Arnold Schwarzenegger did in Predator and it was all a waste of time.
The trap in Predator was nothing compared to the trap in Predators.
Why was building the trap a waste of time? My theory is the Predators were watching and chuckling the entire time he was building it. The hunters knew what he was doing and let him set up the trap so they could kill him when he finished it. They must’ve been impressed with his ingenuity and figured it would be funny to see the latest bunch of people dealing with it on the alien hunting preserve.
I watched the clip way too many times (50-second scene) and was able to make a rough count of everything needed for the trap and how much time it would take to set up. I’m not an expert on jungle survival (I did watch Jungle though) and I couldn’t begin to explain how to make a trap that shoots spikes into the ground, but I can make an educated guess that suggests how long the Predators waited.
Here are my assumptions:
- He did all the work by himself. This assumption is backed up by the Predators: Welcome to the Jungle prequel comic that was released by Dark Horse. Drake’s entire team was killed by the hunters and he became blinded by revenge which leads to his dumb plan.
- He worked every day from sunup to sundown. I’m thinking he worked for a solid 12 hours with a few needed breaks.
- In the comic, Drake stole a smart disc from the Predators and this tool helped him greatly with the chopping of wood (I’m guessing). So, even though we don’t see it in the movie I’m going to let him have it.
- The Predators knew exactly what he was doing.
- There could be more to his trap but I’m only counting what we saw onscreen.
Here is what he used for the trap:
*I figured out these numbers via a lot of pausing and educated guesswork
- 1300 feet of vines/rope/cords (at least)
- Two large pieces of deadfall – Each piece weighs at least 750 pounds – Adrien Brody suggests they might’ve weighed 1500 pounds each, but I’m sticking with 750.
- 100 sharpened branch pieces for the really cool but unnecessary spike trap
- 30 sharpened pieces of thick squat wood for the spike catapult trap
- 12 4 ft. sharpened poles place inside the 10-foot hole he made
- 20 feet of thick branches for the large wooden spike trap
- A bunch of palm fronds and branches to cover up trip wires and holes.
How long did it take to set up the trap?
- One day to scout for a location and create a blueprint for the trap
- One day to find all the necessary branches, sticks, trees, rope, vines, palm fronds and deadfall
- Two days to cut the 100 pieces of wood for the overhead trap. The tops of each piece of wood have been cut flat and they’ve all been sharpened to penetrate tree roots.
- One day to cut the 32 pieces of wood for the underground and catapult traps. If you look at the pieces of wood on the catapult trap you see will that they’ve been cut into spears. This would take a lot of work considering how big the pieces of wood are.
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- One day to dig out the 10-foot hole. The hole may have been there already but it seems too symmetrical to be natural. He must’ve done some work to make it like that.
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- One day to build the catapult spike trap
- Three days to hang all the vines and place the wooden stakes into them. The amount of vine work is crazy because Drake set up a system that propels the pieces of wood down quickly. Thus, each piece of wood had to be specifically rigged to be shot into the ground.
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- One day to hang the deadfall for the swinging trap. I’d imagine he’d do this last to prevent it killing him while he was hanging vines.
Total Time = 11 Days to build the massive trap
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I’m not an expert on building 50-yard traps but after watching a bunch of Youtube clips and researching limited cutting options (another article here) I think 11 days is a solid option. I say this because the trap had so many time-consuming activities that it couldn’t be rushed or treated lightly. The biggest question I have about the trap is how he rigged the overhead vines without a ladder or step stool. Without a ladder, the amount of time it had to take to rig each spike in the overhead trap must’ve been very monotonous and he probably didn’t want to make too much noise which would’ve prevented serious hacking and breaking of logs.
Conclusion: It must’ve been entertaining for the Predators because they let Drake build everything, then one of them shot him in the back. It proves that the iconic hunters have a sense of humor and don’t mind letting others do work for them.
Poor Drake….
If you liked this random post make sure to check out my other stuff! Also, a big thanks to Brian Raftery at Wired for interviewing me about this dumb data.
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The MFF Podcast #129: The Babysitter
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SUMMARY: This week we discuss The Babysitter (2017), McG’s crisply dazzling Netflix Original horror-comedy that delivers all the lovably fun characters and pop culture of Charlie’s Angels (2000) with all the laughably blood-in-the-face spewing gore of Sam Raimi. We explore such notions as truly testing Liam Neeson’s special set of skills (Taken 1-3), how inconsiderate it was for Forrest Gump (1994) to eat Jenny’s chocolates, whether Bee (Samara Weaving) is actually “evil” and how old she might be, and what ever happened to our all Kurt Russell episodes (Episode 1: Kurt Russell’s Best Sleeveless Moments and Episode 50: Kurtchella).
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 128: A Cure for Wellness
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999-2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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MY CALL: This oddity stars a lot of before-they-were-stars and aims high with a low budget to deliver a dumb but fun romp full of cheap jump scares. Enjoy.
Alabama, 1863—A gang of bank robbers with little trust among them spend the night in an abandoned plantation estate. As soon as they wade through the corn fields to ensure the house is truly vacant, they encounter (and shoot) a strange, eyeless and relatively hairless monster that they pass off as some sort of animal. Shortly thereafter one of their men disappears and another has visions of a horrifying little boy in the house. So, clearly their threat is supernatural and intelligent. Naturally, they say in the house.
The plot sounds overly basic—and a lot like Feast (2005) or Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)—but ends up delivering something more like a haunting than a creature feature. I actually only watched this when I learned it was one of Michael Shannon’s (The Shape of Water, Bug) early films. Then I noticed more familiar faces.
The cast includes Isaiah Washington (Ghost Ship), Nicki Aycox (Joy Ride 2, Jeepers Creepers II), Patrick Fugit (Gone Girl), Henry Thomas (Gerald’s Game, Fire in the Sky, Ouija: Origin of Evil) and Mark Boone Junior (30 Days of Night, Halloween II, Vampires).
Despite its low budget, this film is ambitious with its special effects. The opening scene depicts a rather gory bank robbery complete with blowing someone’s head clean off, and we see our monster up close—both in the first 15 minutes. The gunshot and slashing wounds are almost entirely CGI (much like The Walking Dead), but at least it’s all on-screen. I appreciate the effort and feel it looks more than good enough to entertain.
Director (Alex Turner; Red Sands) and writer Simon Barrett (You’re Next, Blair Witch, The Guest) truly succeed on delivering a fun popcorn horror night full of jump scares (although cheap, they’re fun if you know what you’re getting into) and a variety of special effects. Admittedly, this $1.5 million direct-to-DVD film’s scares may not compare to the jumpy fun or scare-ticipation of Lights Out (2016), but it does a solid job of mixing things up. I was especially surprised (and pleasantly so, given the low budget) with the scene of the monster emerging from the woman’s stomach—and I was so glad they went with practical effects. Additionally, however hokey, I enjoyed the “scarecrow decapitation scene” towards the end.
This film has earned a small cult following. You know what? I think it’s deserving. It aims high and features a broad cast of before-they-were-stars. One may be annoyed that nothing about the haunting, the monsters or their form are explained. But whatever. It’s dumb and fun.
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MY CALL: Okay, folks. This is basically Kickboxer 6. It’s the first sequel of the reboot, the bad guys keep getting more physically monstrous, and the action scenes erupt over-the-top. You should know if this movie is for you or not–this is top notch Bad Movie-ness with great fun action. MOVIES LIKE Kickboxer: Retaliation: For your Bad Movie Tuesday feature you should try more Van Damme movies! Especially Bloodsport (1988), Lionheart (1990), TimeCop (1994) and The Quest (1996). And let’s not dare forget Kickboxer (1989) and Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016). Want something a bit more “campy bad?” If that’s the case, try China O’Brien (1990), Outside the Law (2002), Night Vision (1997), Only the Strong (1993) or Mechanic: Resurrection (2016).
Writer (in part) and director Dimitri Logothetis (Slaughterhouse Rock, Body Shot, Wings of the Dragon)—who also produced Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016) and the upcoming Kickboxer: Armageddon—brings us a somehow even zanier sequel than we experienced with Vengeance. And I’m perfectly fine with that. This was a Bad Movie delight!
If you need to catch up on the latest Kickboxer sequel/reboot, check out Podcast Episode #79: JCVDVD, the unnecessary sequels Kickboxer: Vengeance and Hard Target 2 where we discuss Vengeance in detail.
This film is really trying to be good, but often feels like a videogame cliché scene we’d watch transitioning from the previous stage to the “big bad boss last guy.” We open with a dream sequence heavily stylized from its scoring to the tango—yep, I said tango. Before this sultry dance turns into an homage to The Matrix: Reloaded (2003), Kurt Sloane (Alain Moussi; Kickboxer: Vengeance, Pompei, The Day) fantasizes that someone will take his beloved Liu (Sara Malakul Lane; Kickboxer: Vengeance, Beyond the Gates, Shark Lake) from him. And now one may wonder how on Earth a sequel to a Van Damme reboot could fall into The Matrix: Reloaded (2003) territory. Well, how about some slick, well-dressed Euro-bad guys attacking Sloane with big-bladed yet short-handled, snazzy-looking axes along with guns and a sunglasses-wearing, leather-clad saucy minx lady Agent kung fu-fighting her way through Sloane’s Neo-lific flurry of effortless parries before they take the fight to a stormy downpouring battle atop this sleek speeding “Merovingian” luxury train (much like the Reloaded highway scene on the truck trailer mixed with the Neo vs Smith deluge face-off) with no apparent fear of keeping their balance. Yeah, it’s out there. But, let’s be honest. I was giggling the whole time.
And the fights? The choreography is crisp and often “good” but never as great as it is entertaining… not that Kickboxer (1989) ever boasted great technical choreography (and still it is beloved). It was all credibly executed, fun to watch and it included some slow-motion crashes through the surrounding break-away set design much as we’d enjoy in 80s-90s Jackie Chan (e.g., Rumble in the Bronx, SuperCop) and early 2000s Tony Jaa (e.g., The Protector, Ong-Bak) choreography.
Among the most amusing aspects of Vengeance and Retaliation is that Van Damme plays Master Durand, a character that serves as a placeholder for Kickboxer 1-3’s (1989, 1991, 1992) Master Xian (Dennis Chan; The Man with the Iron Fists)—who continued the (very bad) storyline by training Kurt Sloane’s brother David Sloan (Sasha Mitchell; Class of 1999 II, Step by Step), a storyline that persisted to a part 4 (1994) before thankfully disappeared into the video ether of the 90s. So, Van Damme has morphed into his 1989 trainer, to train a new present-day Kurt Sloane having no connection to the JCVD-Sloane story arc… although it clearly parallels.
As if poeting a love letter to Van Damme’s early work, a pair of US Marshals (one older and white, the other younger and black—like in Bloodsport) taser-zap Sloane and bring him to the deliciously slimy crime lord Thomas Moore (Christopher Lambert; Highlander 1-4, The Hunted, Mortal Kombat, Fortress, Beowulf). As a bad movie villain, Moore is perfectly terrible down to his black-on-black suit as he blackmails Sloane in a Thai prison cell sitting in a chair (that his henchmen clearly brought in) in the shadows and with hot lady servants at either side (because, you never know when you’ll need them, right?). Moore wants Sloane to defend the Death Match title he left unspoken for after he killed Tong Po (Dave Bautista in Kickboxer: Vengeance) and left Thailand for his MMA career. So now he wants him to fight the new champion: the 6’8” 400-pounder Mongkut (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson; Game of Thrones, World’s Strongest Man).
This may feel a little familiar after seeing Tony Jaa fighting the giant Nathan Jones in The Protector (2005), Jet Li fighting Dolph Lundgren in The Expendables (2010), or Scott Adkins fighting Martyn Ford in Boyka: Undisputed IV (2016). But, I don’t care. It’s fun watching little martial arts aces zipping around their Mighty Kong foes. And speaking of big tough guys, what is Mike Tyson (Ip Man 3, The Hangover I-II) doing here!?!?!
The Sloane-Briggs (Mike Tyson) fight is the most fun and playful action sequence, and I really enjoyed it. Briggs becomes an ally to train Sloane in boxing, he messes with Strongman Brian Shaw to practice fighting really big guys, and the now blind Master Durand (Jean-Claude Van Damme; Kickboxer: Vengeance, TimeCop, Bloodsport, The Expendables 2, Universal Solder: Day of Reckoning, Assassination Games) teaches him blind-fighting. It’s funny because any of these three guys seem better suited to fight Mongkut than Sloane, but they all work together to make him better.
About now I’d like to pause and assess some additional ways that we know this is a bad movie (as if it wasn’t yet obvious):
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Was that tango meant to homage True Lies (1994)? It was really just weird, and it didn’t hold a candle to Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis.
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How did the lady Agent on the train get tougher when she costume-changed into a sexy Mortal Kombat (1995) outfit? I mean, I’m not complaining. Just asking.
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So, all the Thai inmates attack Sloane… apparently because he killed Tong Po… whom, I’m guessing, the Thai prisoners liked. But even if they loved Tong Po and now hate Sloane, they still know that he killed Tong Po! So why are these idiots attacking him with their bare average-Joe hands!?!?!
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Sloan steals a prison guard’s cell phone and makes the calmest call in the history of wrongful incarcerations to tell his wife “I’ve been kidnapped. I’m in a prison in Bangkok.” I feel like most folks would be a bit stressed out by this. But not out hero!
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I’m just gonna’ come out and say it. There are way too many big non-Asian dudes in this prison. As if it was illegal to be jacked and American in Thailand. And what was with the bodybuilding nunchuck guy?
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Blind Van Damme can beat Tyson’s boxing and Lambert’s swordplay. How the Hell did he get bested by Moore in the first place?
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Mongkut just hangs out in a Rocky IV (1985) steroids lab that doubles as his gym and training center. Apparently, he is “four times Tong Po” (whatever that means) and was “bred from generations of fighters…” which really only makes sense if Moore is a centuries-old vampire.
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Sloane saw one of Moore’s henchmen in a dream he had in the opening sequence… before he ever met Moore or this goon. And then he sees another goon from the dream later (the lady Agent Smith). And another guy on a train from his dream! WTF? This movie is has made Sloane a psychic member of the X-Men.
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When Durand and Sloane go back to the Bangkok underground fight club, how does Sloane’s opponent’s carefully-gelled hair never get messed up as he’s being punched and kicked in the face repeatedly? Aaaaaand Moore let Sloane, and Master Durand, and his Asian lady swordsmanship trainer leave the prison and go to Bangkok with only one goon to watch over them! So, of course, they escape. Stupid. Just stupid.
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I wonder if any movies have this many professional Strong Men and UFC fighters.
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There is a low-speed motorboat chase and the undisputedly worst green-screened train-top scene EVER! Need I say more?
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Moore’s sex den concubines are actually bethonged yakuza assassins with glow-in-the-dark tattoos and they lead him into an Enter the Dragon (1973) mirror lair! WTF is this room even in Moore’s house!?!?! WTF is with those tattoos!?!?!
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Mongkut should have won the final fight about ten times in Round 1. But you know how it goes. They could get the kill shot, but instead they throw their arms in the air and gloat to the crowd. Stupid… this is actually a death match! It’s like Chong Li-Jackson all over again.
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Nok Soo Kow… back in 1989 those words were inspiring. Here they fall pretty flat and they were basically just chanting it because, well, this is Kickboxer part 6! #NokSooKowFAIL
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From the arm twists to the nut-punching, the final fight glimmers of Bloodsport’s Dux-sumo fight. Of course, this fight was way better.
The final fight is long (the entire third act), ridiculous, and wonderfully exciting! Mongkut is getting adrenaline shots between rounds to fuel a Hulk-smashing good time, and Sloane suffers numerous injuries that would rupture the chest cavity of most humans. It’s awesome!
As I mentioned earlier, this film is trying so hard. In fact, there might be enough action scenes (and many of them quite weird) to populate TWO Bad Movie Tuesday features. And while the technical combat isn’t as wowing as watching Donnie Yen, the action is quite satisfying as we watch Sloane work through one big tough bruiser after another. Think of this as more of a Fast and Furious franchise action movie with a far lower budget and a focus on death matches, and that’s pretty much what you’re in for here. Enjoy!
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The MFF Podcast #128: A Cure for Wellness, Gore Verbinkski’s gorgeous genre-splicing psychological horror.
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SUMMARY: This week we discuss A Cure for Wellness (2016), Gore Verbinski’s ambitious and gorgeous film intermixing The Road to Wellville (1994) and Shutter Island (2010) with a dash of Frankenstein (1931). We explore how over-eating could defeat James Bond, along with the moral sensibilities of this film (and how you shouldn’t watch this with your mother), the link between eel-swallowing and mind control, the occasional impracticality of “obsession laboratory” lair architecture, and the stylings of Cronenbergian shock value in the film.
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999-2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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