MY CALL: Somehow yet more incomprehensible than its predecessors, this is the first in the series I wouldn’t recommend outside of seeing the whole series in order. Just imagine everything you liked form parts 1-2, and now imagine that there’s less of it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead: There is little out there that compares to these films, so I’ll just suggest starting with Phantasm (1979) and Phantasm II (1988)—both of which are far better—and perhaps the subsequent sequels up to part 5.
HOW DID WE GET HERE? This franchise is just plain bonkers, and the story is all over the place with no real explanations in sight. Parts 1 and 2 ended in inexplicable nightmare-like twists a la A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), leaving us at the end of part 2 with Reggie (Reggie Bannister; Phantasm 1-5, Wishmaster) apparently dead at the side of the road, and Mike (A. Michael Baldwin; Phantasm 1-5) and Liz (Paula Irvine; Phantasm III) being driven to their doom by the Tall Man (Angus Scrimm; Phantasm 1-5, Subspecies, Wishmaster), who had “melted to death” not long before. Our part 3 opening reveals (ever so vaguely) how, indeed, the thought-to-be-dead Tall Man got to them in the end. Then an evil dwarf eats Liz’ face, taking care of someone who apparently isn’t needed to further to plot in this next sequel.
After the car crash (with Mike, Liz and the Tall Man at the end of part 2), Reggie checks on Mike at the hospital to find an evil-sphere-possessed nurse trying to kill him! The magical orb literally took the place of her brain, thus evolving the capabilities of these entities in the franchise. That’s certainly new! So why not do that all the time and just assassinate the protagonists? Mike ends up dying and, contrary to his from-the-dead brother Jody’s (Bill Thornbury; Phantasm 1-5) advice, he goes into the light. But why would he do that? The ghost of his brother was right there telling him to do otherwise! Parts 1-2 were admittedly weird, and a lot went unexplained. Be prepared to be baffled.
Much to my dismay, this sequel adopts a 90s “bad movie” vibe (a la Leprechaun), complete with douchebag criminal bad guys and a tough little survivor kid with a razorblade frisbee. Now in the form of a metal sphere, Jody’s spirit guides Reggie and the kid to the Tall Man. I know, you’re thinking I must’ve left something out because this makes no sense for Jody to have been a ghost and then a killer sphere. Bad news. I’ve told you everything. This just doesn’t make sense.
On their journey, they join forces with the nunchuck-twirling Rocky (Gloria Lynne Henry; The Devil’s Advocate, Phantasm: Ravager), Reggie somehow becomes a sleaze ball, and another silly sex scene transpires—I’m beginning to think this is a running joke between Reggie and Coscarelli.
Speaking of jokes, this sequel is doing very little service or justice to the franchise in that it is just incomprehensibly silly. People are doing things in dreams that affect reality, the Tall Man’s severed body parts continue to become ridiculous monsters (as in part 1) for no reason, Jody keeps switching from being a sphere to a specter to a dream to a sphere, portals just seem to appear and disappear as needed, and…oh, right, the really stupid douchebag criminal zombie fights comprise much of the action. It’s become pretty campy.
Just having a chat with my brother Jody…who’s a ball now.
Despite all this silliness, we do get some answers. We develop the Phantasm mythology by explaining how the Tall Man seems to continue returning from the dead, Mike’s strange connection to the Tall Man is elaborated, what powers the murderous spheres is revealed, some of the things done to create his evil dwarves are shown, and some additional aspects of the Tall Man’s grand plan are exposed. We don’t really understand the ins and outs of any of this, but at least we know more. And, despite all that isn’t answered, it felt good to learn more about what’s going on with this interdimensional graverobbing scheme to…take over the world? Or at least, the Pacific Northwest?
Writer/director Don Coscarelli (Phantasm 1-4, The Beastmaster, Bubba Ho-Tep) continues to make sequels that hardly tie together, yet always manage to pick up right where the former ends. Evidently, some duct tape and rewrites go a long way. This is both admirable and a tad crazy, especially given the gaps between these movies (1979, 1988, 1994) and how he maintains the same lead cast. Much to the film’s detriment, the Tall Man seems less menacing and less impressive here, as do his dwarves and balls. Again, we have violently swerved into bad movie territory, so the suspense has been largely replaced by giggles as if to ask is this really serious right now? You also may recall that psychic powers were prominent in Phantasm II (1988), and that Mike had a connection of sorts to the Tall Man. Now Jody shares other-worldly links to both Mike and the Tall Man. So, while this isn’t actually new, it’s already starting to feel old.
You can’t discuss these movies without mentioning the balls. The effects were pretty solid, with the murderous chrome spheres flying through the air, unsheathing blades and buzz saws, impaling victims, and drilling into their heads! The gore is decent, but more toned down from parts 1-2 (which were served better by their budgets). The balls appear markedly “more CGI” than before, when they were definitely rotoscoped in parts 1-2. The gore overall was less satisfying than previous installments, along with most aspects of this sequel.
Of course, every movie has its trademark ball-spewing-blood scene.
Parts 1-2 worked because of the satisfyingly unusual story. That’s gone. The series also thrived on the relevance of the Tall Man. That’s diminished. It now relies on its mythology which, despite building somewhat, isn’t satisfying enough to save this movie. It’s the first in the series I wouldn’t recommend outside of seeing the whole series in order. Like parts 1-2, the surprise ending is pretty random and feels like Reggie, Mike and the kid are doomed. I’m curious to see where this goes in part 4.
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MY CALL: This largely serves to continue the story and madness of Phantasm (1979). If you enjoyed part 1, you’ll enjoy this. If not, you won’t. MORE MOVIES LIKE Phantasm II: There is little out there that compares to this film, so I’ll just suggest starting with Phantasm (1979) and perhaps the subsequent sequels up to part 5.
So here we are 8 years after the events of Phantasm (1979) with writer/director Don Coscarelli (Phantasm 1-4, The Beastmaster, Bubba Ho-Tep). A psychic girl (Paula Irvine; Phantasm III), Liz, has been keeping tabs on the Tall Man with her premonitions, Michael (James Le Gros) has just been released from a long stay in a psychiatric facility, and Reggie (Reggie Bannister; Phantasm 1-5, Wishmaster) somehow doesn’t remember that anything from part 1 even happened. Reggie and the psychiatrists say it was all just a dream Michael manifested to cope with the loss of his brother.
After Michael has a premonition that Reggie’s second house would explode (one in 1979, one now), now with his wife and child within, as a result of the Tall Man (Angus Scrimm; Phantasm 1-5, Subspecies, Wishmaster) and his army of ugly evil dwarves…well, Reggie just decides to believe Michael that evil is behind it and they set out searching the country for the Tall Man using Michael’s newfound powers of dream clairvoyance.
PSYCHIC-AMNESIAC SEQUEL SIDEBAR: Okay, this gets a bit confusing. Completely different from Phantasm (1979), amnesia and psychic powers are prominent themes in this sequel. There is no explanation for Reggie’s amnesia regarding the events of part 1, yet once he decides to believe Michael’s story, he behaves as if he always knew everything about the Tall Man, his evil dwarves, his extra-dimensional nature, and his vile plans for our dead. Likewise, Michael’s powers just seem to “be there” as if they were always there. As they are presented to us, these things are treated as if they have been constants. Moreover, we now have psychic Liz and the Tall Man using telepathy. Just go with it.
There are some great shots of country sides—a nice and unexpected touch in an 80s horror film. During their trek they prepare, making a four-barrel shotgun and flamethrower, and follow the dilapidated remains of ghost towns and mass exhumed graveyards in the wake of the Tall Man’s murderous influence as he builds his army of the dead.
Their journey finds many strange things, among them a woman with an awesomely gory slimy monstrous parasite delivering the Tall Man’s messages, disappearing dead naked women in the morgue, a cute hitchhiker named Alchemy (Samantha Phillips; Dollman), a chainsaw fight with a low blow, a funny sex scene and, of course, the return of the blood-lusted spheres—i.e., the floating metal balls from part 1 which now have some mechanized upgrades. You can’t discuss these movies without mentioning the balls. The effects were great, with the murderous chrome spheres flying through the air (excellent and seamless rotoscoping, by the way), unsheathing blades and drills and buzz saws, impaling victims, and drilling into their heads! The gore is sufficient as blood gushes in bright red and mustard yellow.
Overall the gore is very satisfying. One of the ball scenes is among my favorites… when the ball enters a man’s back, bores through his torso and up his throat, and out his mouth. The finale also has a melty, gooey flair to it.
Boasting a lot more dialogue, the Tall Man is somewhat hammed up in this sequel. But this is not a bad thing at all. It’s a tad cheesy, but a lot of fun. Even more fun are the evil dwarves, which are far more numerous than part 1. We also see more about their creation and their other dimension as we pass through the gateway to another world again. We don’t really learn anything more than we knew in part 1, though. The Tall Man is transforming dead people into his growling hooded dwarf servants and there is a portal to another dimension, to which he apparently outsources this labor force…to do…something. Maybe part 3 will have some answers.
Like part 1, the surprise ending is totally random, makes no sense at all, and hinders the series’ ability to continue to a part 3. But, also like part 1, it seems more concerned with being looney than credible. Perhaps it was all just a dream.
WHERE IS THIS ALL GOING SIDEBAR: These somewhat sci-fi concepts from Phantasm (1979) are introducing us to a greater theme that is only partially realized in part 1, and unfortunately no more so in part 2. As if world-building, you’d think Coscarelli is setting the stage for something of grander scale by letting us know that these things exist, without getting into the why’s. In part 1, Michael visits a creepy fortune-teller and her telepathically linked granddaughter who subject him to a Dune-like “fear box” test. But why? Why are there truly supernatural diviners and why do they “prepare” young Michael for his future challenges (i.e., the Tall Man)? Why does the Tall Man turn into a young woman, in a lavender dress in part 1 and the form of the cute hitchhiker in part 2, and why not someone else?
There’s a lot going on here. The Tall Man is reanimating human corpses as evil compact dwarves so that their now denser bodies can handle the greater gravity of another planet, in which the dwarves serve as slaves. We don’t know why, or to do what, or exactly where or for whom. This is all somehow revealed to Michael (through a telepathic link perhaps) when he momentarily passes the portal and witnesses the harsh world on the other side in part 1. Is it Hell, or another planet in a nearby solar system? Did this permanently give him the psychic powers that we find now in part 2? Are there other portals? Is the Tall Man the head bad guy, or the equivalent of a Vegas pit boss or regional salesman/recruiter? Who knows? After watching parts 1 and 2, we sure don’t! As far as ambitious stories go, Phantasm 1-2 are like the horror Avatar (2009) of the 1970s. Unfortunately, after setting the stage we don’t seem to take it anywhere new in part 2. And yet again, Coscarelli uses a rather A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) style ending that could only confuse us more.
What makes this movie work is how satisfyingly unusual the story is. It’s weird and doesn’t make much sense. That said, I remain quite impressed with this original product. This film may not feel organized, but it still has a lot of good to offer the genre and its story stands out even today.
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MY CALL: Not great. Kinda’ bad. Finally giving us some closure on the story. Still entertaining to franchise fans. MORE MOVIES LIKE Resident Evil: Resident Evil (2002), Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), Resident Evil: Extinction (2007), Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010), Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), Doom (2005), the Silent Hill movies (2006, 2012) and the Underworld franchise (2003-2017) come to mind. For a fine ratings vs earnings comparison of the Resident Evil and Underworld franchises check this feisty article out.
It seems that asking folks to list the Resident Evil movies in order of quality would be harder than getting an entire theater of fans to agree on pizza toppings—I’d say 1, 3, 5, 2, 6, 4. This sixth franchise installment, as with each of its predecessors, manages to deliver a new take on presenting the Resident Evil world and the next step in an elaborately plot-holey but perfectly followable plot. The movie opens right where Retribution (2012) left off—in the dilapidated remains of the White House.
Now with our fifth sequel, we have our fifth recap narration by Alice (Milla Jovovich; The Fifth Element, Resident Evil 1-6, Ultraviolet). With each sequel offering a slightly different recap, some adding more to backstory than others, The Final Chapter offers the richest and most informative origin inklings about the Red Queen and Dr. Isaacs’ (Iain Glen; Game of Thrones, Darkness, Resident Evil: Apocalypse) involvement in the T-Virus outbreak.
Apparently, over the course of the first five movies, the human population has been reduced to about 4000 and in another 48 hours it will be zero. Now that Wesker (Shawn Roberts; Resident Evil 4-6, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage)—who apparently was lying to Alice in Retribution (2012) and was really evil the whole time—is back in control at Umbrella, the Red Queen is a bit nervous about how things are being run and has recruited Alice’s help to now save mankind. It turns out there has been an airborne antivirus back in Racoon City this whole time and now the Red Queen wants to be friends. Welcome to “the upside down” world!
During her trip back to The Hive, Alice tours a world that now resembles The Walking Dead, complete with ambush jerks, booby traps and Dr. Isaacs prattling about the meek inheriting the world while running a mobile tank cult. This leads to a long tank fight action sequence (which is okay) and then a tank chase scene (which featured too many videogame special effects for me to enjoy).
Alice joins forces with a friendly group of survivors including Claire (Ali Larter; House on Haunted Hill, Final Destination 1-2, Resident Evil 3-4), Doc (Eoin Macken; The Forest, Centurion) and Abigail (Ruby Rose; John Wick 2, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage). Of all six movies, these allies seem to matter the least in this one. Too bad. So, I’ll just stop discussing them now even though they’re in most of the movie.
My favorite action sequence was the giant flying monster attack (early in the movie), which may have included some stop-motion effects. But most of the action was squandered. We have a horde of zombies that doesn’t matter much when it should matter most, largely because they were dispatched way too easily to take seriously by waves of videogame graphic explosions. The battle with the horde could have been awesome, but the scale and urgency just wasn’t there.
Another problem, much as was the case in Retribution (2012), was that great fight choreography + lousy action photography and fast-cut choppy editing = crappy action.
From my Retribution review: “Minus a few story-building scenes, this movie essentially boils down to a continuous 90-minute action sequence. This probably sounds amazing, right? It wasn’t. All the action felt a lot like “background action” in an otherwise great action movie. You know? Like when Optimus Prime was fighting Megatron, there were soldiers and other Autobots fighting Decepticons in the background (and it looked good), but nothing particularly cool would happen with the background fighters while the camera was focusing on the two heavy hitters, the main attraction. In Retribution [and Final Chapter], this action is never punctuated by awesome moments; there are no highlights or climaxes… Hand-to-hand, weapons, guns, and a lot of clever choreography…it was all entertaining. Very entertaining. But I kept waiting for the “Wow.” It never came.”
When will directors learn? I guess as long as these films keep making money, Paul W. S. Anderson (Resident Evil 1 & 4-6, Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier) won’t need to change his style. And here I am being part of the problem—I bought this movie. But you know what? I don’t regret it. These movies are heavily flawed, but remain entertaining. Even the “Agent Smith” Matrix fight (late in the movie) was somewhat entertaining, even if I thought it was equally dumb.
Perhaps this is just because our director’s wife (yes, Paul and Milla are married) is 41 years old in this film, but is this the first time he let her be “fully clothed” LOL? And by that, I mean not dressing her up like a post-apocalyptic hooker, vinyl suited dominatrix, or spandexed ninja? You’ll also notice that Alice shockingly shows us no leg or side-boob action in some skimpy surgical gown nor does she float naked in a clone chamber. Now that their kids are almost old enough to see these films, I guess good taste prevailed.
While the “save the day” premise was easily the most mind-numbingly inane of the series (i.e., one vial of airborne antivirus will save the rest of the world if it is released by the final second of a 48-hour countdown, and this vial was just sitting there for 6 movies), this movie’s 3rd Act was very redeeming in terms of franchise story-arc resolution. We even learn something surprisingly cool about Alice, the Red Queen, the clones, and the initial outbreak.
The Final Chapter doesn’t necessarily close the door on the franchise, but the combination of Milla’s age and the title seem to indicate otherwise. Some may be relieved, other bereft. After all, we’ve enjoyed 15 years (2002-2016) of Alice’s zombie-slaying shenanigans. And as much as I enjoy complaining about these movies, I remain a fan, too.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Mummy (2017), Tom Cruise’s first step into the Dark Universe of monsters.
MY CALL: This action/adventure movie may not be the epic movie you expected, but it remains very entertaining and successfully builds a world for the Dark Universe. MOVIES LIKE The Mummy: The Mummy (1932, 1958, 1999) and The Mummy Returns (2001).
This film kickstarts the Dark Universe (monster universe) with a remake/reimagining/reboot of The Mummy (1932, 1958). But, more accurately, I’d call this a present-day reimagining of The Mummy (1999) which, of course, was an adventure film approach to remaking its much older Hammer predecessors.
A duplicitous thief and soldier, Nick (Tom Cruise; Interview with a Vampire, Oblivion, Edge of Tomorrow) feloniously drags his snarky sidekick Chris (Jake Johnson; Jurassic World) along in search of hidden treasures buried beneath the sands of Iraq (once Mesopotamia). But what they discover is most unexpected: a subterranean Egyptian Tomb in the Middle East!
Here to inform us of the significance of this cursed find, and Nick’s untrustworthy nature, is scientist Jenny (Annabelle Wallis; Annabelle, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword). We also accrue context and narrative from Dr. Jekyll (Russell Crowe; Man of Steel, The Man with the Iron Fists), Nick’s premonitions and “connection” to our mummy, and a cursed friend that will undoubtedly remind you of An American Werewolf in London’s (1981) dark humor.
Arisen from the dead as an emaciated husk, our undead villainess Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella; Star Trek: Beyond, Kingsman: The Secret Service) sucks the life out of her victims with a pseudo-erotic kiss of death. Reminiscent of Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988) or Lifeforce (1985), but not nearly as scary or gory, her victims (who all happen to be male) are drained to sunken corpses before our eyes only to be reanimated as her ill-coordinated servants.
Humorously nodding to the 1999 remake, she spends most of the film (almost a tad awkwardly) missing a part of her nose and cheek. Likewise, we also once again find swarms of dangerous vermin (now camel spiders), sandstorms with giant ghostly visages, a murderous betrayal in her backstory, Ahmanet gradually regenerates with each drained victim, and (true to the classic) a search for our mummy’s mate. By the way, the special effects behind these scenes looked pretty cool (all CGI, of course) and I loved the twitchily marionetted movement of Ahmanet’s first minions. When we first see her ghastly resurrection and watch her raise the dead, it is truly the most horrific scene of the movie. That, and the swimming undead. Underwater undead is especially creepy…even if a bit over-the-top.
The action between Nick and Ahmanet’s undead minions captures a lot of the adventurous Brendan Fraser fun of Stephen Sommers’ The Mummy (1999) and The Mummy Returns (2001), while purveying the mindless horde sense of a zombie movie. That is, the mummy-zombies appear to be vile and murderous, yet the depiction of the action is more “fun” than dire as Nick punches through their heads and torsos (much to his shock) and tosses them around. We never really worry about Nick’s health until he fights more dangerous monsters (i.e., Ahmanet or Hyde).
Were I to complain, I’d say that this never felt as “epic” as it was intended even though it clearly tried at every corner, maaaaybe biting off more than it could chew, to be big and bold and shocking (e.g., in retrospect, I giggle at the swimming zombies and their perfect aquatic coordination). But it was absolutely a fun adventure movie with a few dire scenes. Director Alex Kurtzman fairs well with his first action/adventure project—and only his second feature length film! I’m not saying this was outstanding or anything, but it was “good” and very entertaining. I don’t think it has earned any of the scathing reviews suggesting this will halt the Dark Universe before it can even get started.
Moreover, I enjoyed how this movie kept the focus on our mummy while introducing the existence of the other classic Hammer monsters. We get to know how these movies will plausibly be linked, we get an ending that bridges us to the next film, and that ending neither gives away what the next film will be nor does it keep this from being a solid standalone film.
The movie is fun, a lot of fun actually, and I’ll surely own it within a year. I may not have been wowed and the plot’s delivery wasn’t especially compelling, but I remain very excited to eventually learn what Dark Universe story will be told next.
The rumors are interesting…
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MY CALL: This gory remake is buckets of goopy, gooey, slimy fun. If you love 80s horror and practical effects, this is a major win! An 80s staple! MORE MOVIES LIKE The Blob: Well, The Stuff (1985) is the closest match by far, and a highly recommended favorite of mine. The Curse (1987) follows suit with infectious meteors, The Raft (segment from Creepshow 2; 1987) is satisfyingly close, The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill (segment from Creepshow; 1982) takes a botanical approach, and Street Trash (1987) demonstrates the dangers of drinking alcoholic beverages you didn’t order yourself. Even Life (2017) comes sort of close in theme and, although quite smutty, Bio Slime (2010) might serve some audiences well.
Everything was fine in our sleepy little northern California town until a homeless man witnessed a meteor fall from the sky. Upon further investigation, he finds the meteorite contains some pink, bubbling, alien goo. The mucous-dripping, pulsating, organ-like mass propels itself onto the man’s hand and…well…you know.
High schoolers Meg (Shawnee Smith; Saw 1-3 & 6, The Grudge 3) and Paul (Donovan Leitch Jr.; Cutting Class) find their first date interrupted when they hit the now-parasitized hobo with their car and take him to the hospital along with Brian (Kevin Dillon; No Escape, Entourage), a wildly mulleted juvenile delinquent.
That homeless guy gets it bad. After digesting his hand, the alien slime melts his innards. You see, this organism is composed of a highly corrosive acid (think Alien), and as it digests you, it grows (more like Calvin in Life). But Paul gets it the worst with a scene worthy of the movie poster. He is enshrouded in a slimy digestive veil of death as the weight of the gook pulls the skin off his melting face and Meg pulls his arm, reaching out for help, gorily asunder from his disintegrating body. Deeeelish!
The local Sheriff (Jeffrey DeMunn; The Mist, The Walking Dead) and diner waitress (Candy Clark; Amityville 3-D, Zodiac, Cat’s Eye) fall into the blob’s path and Bill Moseley (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, House of 1000 Corpses, Texas Chainsaw 3-D, Smothered) and Art LaFleur (Trancers 1-2, House Hunting) have cameos as well. Much to our satisfaction, this horror movie cares about its characters and uses them well.
Director Chuck Russell (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, The Scorpion King) does a fine, gory job honoring the 1958 classic with this sci-fi/horror remake. I’m quite fond of how Russell plays to classic tropes by sparing the virgin in lieu of the more promiscuous Vicki (i.e., Erika Eleniak; E. T., Bordello of Blood, Dracula 3000), yet violates expectations as nice guy Paul dies somewhat early leaving our young criminal antihero to save the day.
When our extraterrestrial bioplasm gets Vicki, it digests her from the inside out, collapsing her husk of a drained face as slimy tentacles emerge from her orifices before the rest of the amorphous mass emerges to engulf her date. It’s a great scene! This film seems to have a lot of great, gore-tastic scenes.
The diner sink, the phonebooth scene, the movie theater and sewer and church scenes… everywhere the blob goes, so follows a memorable, gory scene. Where ever there is a crack or doorway to be found, likewise there is an opening through which this living ooze may erupt towards its victims like an offal-guts slinky. There are so many excellent special effects pieces to be found. This has loads of bloody gobbled-gook, a myriad of tentacles, and at one point it pours across the ceiling a la The Thing (1982).
If you have discovered a love for 80s horror and somehow haven’t seen this yet, just buy this. REALLY. It’s an excellent piece of 80s horror cinema. It even has a good ending!
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The MFF Podcast #98: The Fate of the Furious
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Summary: We review the “highly realistic” submarine chase scenes, Uncle Shaw, torpedo bowling, and completely impractical dreadlocks in our discussion of The Fate of the Furious (2017). In case you’ve missed out on our past Fast and Furious shenanigans, check out episode 10 (Ranking the Fast and Furious Films).
We answer the tough questions in this podcast! For example…
“Did he just throw a torpedo?”
“Should we really forgive Deckard Shaw for killing Han in Furious 7?”
“Could The Rock pound Statham like a Cherokee Drum?”
“Why was that dreadlocked Charlize Theron doing all this again?”
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO,
or head over PodBean or iTunes, and if you get a chance please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
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MY CALL: Just a mediocre Ryan Reynolds movie that, really, I’d only recommend to serious Ryan Reynolds fans unless you’re looking for a fun, kinda’ bad movie. MORE MOVIES LIKE Self/Less: Reynolds has done his share of mind and body swaps. Among them are Criminal (2016), RIPD (2013), The Nines (2007) and The Change-Up (2011).
Ben Kingsley plays a billionaire terminally ill with lung cancer who buys more time in the form of a lab-generated body. Not since Bloodrayne (2005) has Kingsley seemed so disengaged from the camera. It’s as if he actively hates playing this role more than his character hates that he his dying. Every effort is made to display his lush lifestyle including his home, which looks like an oil Sheik’s penthouse from Furious 7 (2015) complete with indoor fountains. Who has an indoor fountain!?!?! It’s pretty ridiculous.
The body he buys is that of Ryan Reynolds (The Change-Up, Mississippi Grind, Deadpool, The Voices, The Captive, Life). At first it seems that some effort was made to have Reynolds speak like Kingsley, but as quickly as he adapts to his new body he likewise adapts to speaking just like the Ryan Reynolds we’ve all known from his last ten movies.
Remember how cool it was in Face/Off (1997) to see Nic Cage and feel like we were watching John Travolta? Or how in Like Father, Like Son (1987) it was so obvious to us (the audience) that a prestigious and pretentious doctor (Dudley Moore) was inhabiting the body of his high school son (Kirk Cameron)? Yeah, there’s not of that here. And I’m not sure who to blame. After all, Reynolds has almost always played some recognizably snarky iteration of himself—although in the recent Woman in Gold (2015) he truly shocked me with his abilities to play a more soft-spoken and tender character. Not as impressive but still noteworthy were his performances in Buried (2010) and Mississippi Grind (2015). Both had more than just a glimpse of the Reynolds we all know, but they forced him outside his comfort zone a bit and it worked.
So, when a Kingsley-inhabited Reynolds talks like a thirty-something Reynolds instead of a calculatingly patient, intellectual business mogul, I have to wonder if it’s his fault, the director’s (Tarsem Singh; The Fall, The Cell, Immortals), the writer’s, everybody???
Needless to say, this is not a strong recommendation. It’s fine as a hangover movie. It will liven up a boring Sunday afternoon. And, for Reynolds-completists like me, you’ll get some of that classic Reynolds flavor we’ve come to love. But what we won’t find is a good film.
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I fell asleep while watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2003. It is a stock remake that looks glossy, plays ugly and I haven’t really given it a second thought. The movie may be forgettable but there is a moment that has stuck with me for years. Watch the clip below and pay attention to what happens during the 1:16 – 1:37 range.
Here is the breakdown of the 20 second foot chase.
1:16 – 1:30 – Leatherface chases Andy through a never-ending maze of bed sheets.
1:31 – Leatherface veers off and makes a uber sprint
1:37 – Andy has no leg
1:38 – I’m wondering how that would’ve happened.
For years I’ve wondered how a lumbering killer managed to run ahead of a sprinting kid named Andy in the span of seconds. Lately, I’ve become emboldened with my dumb horror statistics and I decided to finally figure out Leatherface’s mad sprint. Here is what happens (according to some math and guesswork). Let’s assume Andy covered 194 feet in 20 seconds according to the standard time/distance of a 9-minute mile.
9-minute mile = 586 feet per minute.
586 / 60 = 9.7 feet per second
194 feet covered in 20 seconds.
He was slowed down a bit by the sheets but there were moments of outright sprinting which lead me to the 9-minute mile approximation. During the first 12 seconds Leatherface is about 10 feet behind him. However, in a five second span the bulky murderer exploded around Andy and managed to chop off his leg. I don’t think Leatherface is a supernatural fellow so I went ahead and did the math to see how he could possibly get around Andy.
Before I get to the numbers I want to discuss the insane amount of sheets hanging up on the property. This involves some guesswork but there are about 20 rows of sheets hanging up outside. It looks like there are three sheets on each row which means the deadly family somehow washed and hung up 60 sheets in a logical and practical manner. Why are they using so many sheets? Here are some questions.
1. The average washer fits several sheets. Did Leatherface do 20 loads?
2. Hand washing each sheet individually would take at least 20 minutes. Did they take 18 hours to hand wash?
3. Why are the dry sheets still out?
4. Do they leave the sheets out to snag people in?
.
Back to the chase! After watching the video way too many times it looks like Andy is running in a pretty straight line. There isn’t much zigzagging or tripping which allows Leatherface to catch up. So, how in the heck did Leatherface manage to get in front of Andy in five seconds?
The art ain’t good but the measurements are close.
In the span of Andy running 48.5 feet (1:31 – 1:36) Leatherface ran around Andy, managed to plant his feet and swing a chainsaw. This means he had to cover at least 72 feet in five seconds to get around the guy to chop off his leg. Thus, Leatherface sprinted to a speed of a 6.1 minute mile during his five second burst. I find it really impressive that a man who is 6’5 and weighs 265 (actual height/weight of actor) can run that fast around sheets while holding a chainsaw.
There you have it! The mystery is somewhat solved. Now I need to figure out those sheets.
If you liked this post make sure to check out my series featuring random data and useless numbers. Start with my groundbreaking posts about Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard and Halloween H20 then work your way down the list!
- Jet Ski Action Scenes Are the Worst
- Analyzing the Unsuccessful Trap in Predators
- How Far Did the Shark Travel in Jaws: The Revenge?
- How Many Calories Did Shaggy and Scooby Ingest When They Are The Cotton Candy Glob?
- The Dolph Lundgren Front Kick Spectacular
- How Far Did the Creature From It Follows Travel?
- How Many Bullets Missed John Matrix in Commando?
- How Long Did it Take Batman to Setup the Bat Fire on the Bridge in The Dark Knight Rises?
- Kevin Bacon’s College Degrees
- How Fast Does the Great White Swim in Shark Night?
- Zara the Assistant and Jurassic World Had a Bad Day
- A Look at Elektra’s sandbag trainer in Daredevil
- How Far Did Nic Cage Run While Dressed as a Bear In The Wicker Man Remake?
- Breaking Down The Mariner vs. Sea Beast Battle in Waterworld
- How Long Did it Take The Joker to Setup the Weapon Circle in Suicide Squad?
- Michael Myers Hates Blinkers
- How Much Blood Dropped During the Blood Rave in Blade?
- Jason Voorhees Can’t Teleport?
- Michael Myers Loves Laundry
- How Far Did the Merman Travel in The Cabin in the Woods?
- How Far Did Matthew McConaughey Jump in Reign of Fire?
- How Fast can Leatherface Run?
- Deep Blue Sea and Stellan Skarsgard
- How Far Did Michael Myers Drive in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
- How Did the Geologist Get Lost in Prometheus?
- People Love a Bearded Kurt Russell
- A Closer Look at Movies That Feature the Words Great, Good, Best, Perfect and Fantastic
- An In-Depth Look At Movies That Feature Pencils Used as Weapons
- Cinematic Foghat Data
- Explosions and Movie Posters
- The Fast & Furious & Corona
- Nicolas Sparks Movie Posters Are Weird
- How Do You Make the Perfect Kevin Smith Movie?
- Predicting the RT score of Baywatch
- The Cinematic Dumb Data Podcast
- What is the best horror movie franchise?
- How Fast Can the Fisherman Clean a Trunk in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
- It’s Expensive to Feature Characters Being Eaten Alive and Surviving Without a Scratch
- How Long Does it Take Your Favorite Horror Movie Characters to Travel From NYC to San Francisco?
- What was the Guy’s Blood Pressure in Dawn of the Dead?
- Why Were There So Many Lemons in National Treasure?
- How Far Does The Rock Jump in the Skyscraper Poster?
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MY CALL: Unless you simply want to see Reynolds play more of a character than himself, this will likely disappoint you. Reynolds and the cast do fine, but the plot just isn’t compelling nor does anyone really get to shine. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Captive: There are so many better abduction films out there. I’d start with Ransom (1996), Prisoners (2013) or Gone Girl (2014). There are also better Ryan Reynolds films out there.
First off, I feel the need to warn my fellow Ryan Reynolds (The Change-Up, Mississippi Grind, Deadpool, The Voices, Life) fans out there. This is not a Ryan Reynolds movie. It’s more of an ensemble cast featuring Rosario Dawson (Rent, Alexander), Scott Speedman (Underworld, Duets), and Kevin Durand (Resident Evil: Retribution, Smokin’ Aces, Mystery Alaska).
This film definitely took Reynolds out of his comfort zone (i.e., he didn’t play himself or anything even close to it). He plays a father tortured by distrust and guilt. After leaving his young daughter alone in the car at a pie shop, he returns to find she has vanished. Reynolds does a more than convincing job falling apart as he is bombarded by accusations from investigators who think he was involved, blame from his wife, and the grief and disconnection any parent would experience under such dire circumstances.
The story then fast-forwards 8 years, when the investigators have come across images of whom they believe to be his kidnapped daughter…alive, and deeply embedded in an online pedophile organization. Yeah, they went there.
The guilt and blame get pretty heavy, but I never found myself impressed with the story. Reynolds’ character ends up in an uninspired chase scene finale and then things get resolved a little too quickly and conveniently for my taste. I enjoyed this movie but, honestly, I think it’s just because I enjoy watching any Reynolds movie. It was also interesting seeing Kevin Durand play something other than a big, strong, tough guy. I guess this film allowed both of them to show their acting range a bit.
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MY CALL: This really wasn’t a very good horror anthology unless you’re looking for slapstick drunk/high humor told over sexual and “dark genre” themes. There’s not much horror to be found here…nor quality. MORE MOVIES LIKE The ABCs of Death 2.5: The ABCs of Death (2013) and The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), both of which also feature 26 very short films by 26 different filmmakers and both of which were better than 2.5.
MORE HORROR ANTHOLOGIES: Dead of Night (1945), Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), The Uncanny (1977), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Deadtime Stories (1986), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Creepshow 3 (2006), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013), V/H/S 2 (2013), The Profane Exhibit (2013), The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), V/H/S Viral (2014), Southbound (2015), Tales of Halloween (2015), A Christmas Horror Story (2015), Holidays (2016) and XX (2017).
If you’ve followed my reviews for a while now then you ought to know that I love horror anthologies. In some anthologies all of the short stories are directed by one person and written by another (e.g., Creepshow), other times we have three to six films (20-30 min each) each crafted by different filmmakers (e.g., V/H/S), but in this case each of our 26 short stories has a different writer and director. In fact, these were the 26 runners-up The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), for which each submission had to be titled by the letter “M.”
Unlike many anthologies which feature a story teller or wraparound story (e.g., Creepshow, Tales from the Darkside: The Movie) or taking the approach of linked stories in which one component of the previous story links us to the next (e.g., Southbound, Trick ‘r Treat), this anthology simply delivers a series of horror shorts related only by the first letter of their titles. This is a cool notion and all, but realize that out of the top 52 submissions, these were numbers 27 to 52 whereas the best 26 made it into the previous anthology (The ABCs of Death 2).
Also, a bit strange is that there is little horror to be found here. Mostly these films are very dark comedies. In fact, this would best be advertised as a “dark genre anthology.” As I watched, I gave each 3-minute short film a “gut response” rating of 1 to 3 (3 being best, 1 being worst; sadly, there are a lot of 1s).
These short films cover a variety of horror, genre, and sexual themes including vampires, decapitation, cross dressing, maggots on wounds, an elderly Van Helsing, mutant ninjas, dismemberment, guts, a VHS-cyborg samurai, a poop golem, bile, vomit, sex scenes, perversions, boobs, full frontal nudity, mass suicide, genital mutilation, necrophilia, oral sex gone wrong, and some others I’m sure I’ve forgotten. There are several foreign language shorts, including Spanish and (I think) Italian. With as little spoiling as possible, here is an account of the short films with a few comments.
M is for Moonstruck [2.5] (directed by Travis Betz) boasts some innovative (even if cheap) style! It’s cut paper animation…with a cut paper sex scene and cut paper nudity! LOL.
M is for Mother [2.5] (directed by Ryan Bosworth) is pure cheesy fun, complete with a great title shot and a fun CGI spider.
M is for Malnutrition [2] (directed by Peter Czikrai) is a barely serviceable zombie film.
M is for Marauder [1] (directed by Steve Daniels) is a garbage pail film about adults trying to kill each other while riding Big Wheels. Some will find this hilarious. I found it a bit annoying. Watch it with friends and beer and you’ll get a few chuckles.
M is for Mobile [1.5] (directed by Baris Erdogan) features torture via text. It’s cheeky.
M is for Mess [2] (directed by Carlos Faria) sexually fetishizes a man’s curse of defecating through his bellybutton. Of course, it’s disgusting.
M is for Marriage [3] (directed by Todd E. Freeman) is among the better produced, written and acted films. It involves some sort of pathogen…or parasite…or infection.
M is for Mind Meld [1.5] (directed by Brett Glassberg) is about a volunteer for some really twisted scientific experiments.
M is for Messiah [1] (directed by Nicholas Humphries) is a garbage pail film about a stupid cult. This was frustratingly bad.
M is for Make Believe [1] (directed by Summer Johnson) is about some little girls giving horribly improper first aid to an impaled man costumed as the King of the Fairies.
M is for Magnetic Tape [1] (directed by Cody Kennedy & Tim Rutherford) is dorky “stoner humor” full of dumb gore and inane dialogue. It’s funny, but terrible.
What can I say about M is for Munging [1.5] (directed by Jason M. Koch & Clint Kelly)? This is exactly what you think it is. Exactly!
M is for Mermaid [2] (directed by Ama Lea) is about a couple of fisherman who catch a topless mermaid, and it’s very silly.
M is for Meat [2.5] (directed by Wolfgang Matzl) is a trippy little stop-motion film about a carnivorous chicken leg. Yes, I meant exactly what I just said.
M is for Mariachi [1] (directed by Eric Pennycoff) features a death metal band with the best band name ever, a head banger, and a lot of murder.
M is for Mormon Missionaries [2] (directed by Peter Podgursky) features pushy, homicidal Mormons…or does it?
M is for Muff [2] (directed by Mia Kate Russell) is dumb, perversely funny, well-produced, and features a kinky accidental death.
M is for Matador [3] (directed by Gigi Saul Guerrero) might have been the most unexpectedly pleasing film. It involves a sick game of dress-up, roleplay, and the revenge of some scantily clad, blood-covered women.
M is for Manure [3] (directed by Michael Schwartz) is about a young man and his disgusting creation of vengeance.
M is for Mutant [2] (directed by Stuart Simpson) is a slapstick Australian film about some virus that causes stop-motion face-bursting mutants monsters. It made me smile.
M is for Merry Christmas [1] (directed by Joe Staszkiewicz) features a British Krampus with some self-doubt issues.
M is for Martyr [1] (directed by Jeff Stewart) exhibits zero filmmaking effort and a marginally interesting concept.
M is for Mom [2] (directed by Carles Torrens) is somewhat well done, and features a ghoulish child with a crush. The title seems a bit out of place.
M is for Miracle [1.5] (directed by Alvaro Nunez) is about a rabbit that falls from the sky and a psychopath in a bunny suit.
I have no clue how M is for Mailbox [2] (directed by Dante Vescio & Rodrigo Gasparini) got its name. This foreign language short features a creepy kid on Halloween.
M is for Maieusiophobia [3] (directed by Christopher Younes), the fear of giving birth, features disturbing Claymation, gory guts, and a weird pregnancy.
Well, there it is—a cornucopia of weirdness. I wouldn’t recommend this. There are too many good horror anthologies out there.
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