The Bad Guy and the Cigarette: Analyzing the Villainous Smoking Choices of John Travolta
Bad guys need quirks. They need to love cats (Blofeld – Bond Franchise), do drugs (Norman Stansfield – The Professional), be articulate (Hans Gruber – Die Hard) or smoke cigarettes in an interesting manner (anything featuring John Travolta). I started picking up on John Travolta’s need to smoke cigarettes when playing a bad guy after rewatching Broken Arrow (his smoking is excessive). He has a unique smoking style that ranges from cool to unnecessary. The following post covers five films in which he plays a bad guy and smokes cigarettes in an exaggerated manner.
Sidenote: I’ve left out Chili Palmer from Get Shorty because deep down he was a good dude.
If you want to hear more about Travolta’s smoking, check our podcast dedicated to Travolta and other cinematic randomness.
Pulp Fiction and the Classic Cool Smoking
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Pulp Fiction is a great movie and John Travolta was excellent in Pulp Fiction. In the film, Travolta mixed up his smoking style and it worked perfectly with his hitman character. Whether he used the thumb/pointer style, or reverted to the quirky pointer/middle finger scissor style, it worked. At 3:36 in the video you will see the smoking in all its glory.
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In the “five dollar shake” scene, the smoking is more relaxed. It isn’t stylized, and it’s more about actual ease of smoking. He doesn’t have anyone to impress, so he simply does the thumb/pointer finger style of smoking. I attribute the cool smoking to Tarantino. His films are highly stylized and controlled, and I bet he regulated how and when Travolta lit up. Travolta was simply a conduit for Tarantino’s cool smoking direction.
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Broken Arrow and Inverted Scissor V-Smoking.
Some characters smoke, others allow the cigarettes to smoke them. I’m surprised he didn’t cut his cigarettes in half as he hacked into them with his pointer and middle finger. The smoking says “I am the cool bad guy, and it worked for me in Pulp Fiction. However, I’ve turned it up to 11 and now it seems like an addiction.” The smoking became less of a prop and more of a character trait. I would even say it’s a dangerous addiction because he is always smoking. It must mess with his lungs and hurt his cardio when in the field.
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Smoke break after killing a guy
Post-Boxing smoke. Dude smokes indoors and lectures people while smoke rolls into their eyes. Classic jerk move.
Everybody thinks you are dead but you walk out of desert with a lit cigarette
Face-off and the brazen smoking
If you watch the clip, it looks like he wants to play darts with the cigarette. I’ve dubbed it “brazen smoking” because at the end of the scene he sits down in a chair, cigarette hanging from his lips and says “I am the king.” I like this smoking more than the Broken Arrow smoking, because it actually serves a purpose. Travolta is playing the cool dad, and cool dads offers their daughters cigarettes. Right?
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Swordfish and the inconvenient smoke.
This is where Travolta lost me with his smoking. The best way to describe it is when you take a fist full of popcorn and shovel it into your mouth.
So….he takes the cigarette and points it forward. Then, he sort of face palms himself.
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The Punisher and the pipe
What do you do when you’ve smoked cigarettes in every way possible? You smoke a pipe! Nothing says Tampa crime kingpin like packing a pipe, lighting a pipe, and creating awkward pauses when you puff on the pipe. Tampa is known for its cigars. Why not smoke a cigar? Too much work? He wasn’t feeling it? They take too long to light? The prop guy forgot, and all he had was a pipe?
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There you have it! Five villainous roles punctuated by five different styles of smoking. The world can rest easy.
Check out my other data posts!
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The MFF Pod #7: The Lost Art of Cinematic Walking…..and Michael Myers Selling Knives.
Hello all. Mark here.
The Audible sponsored MFF podcast is back!
Cinematic walking is a lost art that needs to be rediscovered. We here at MFF and Sharkdropper discuss great cinematic walking (viva la Bill Murray) and cover 70 years of sauntering. No strut is left unnoticed and we pounded the pavement in order to tell bad jokes and provide an in-depth discussion.
We also discuss the winners of the MFF random Oscars. You the wonderful readers voted and we are discussing the beast beards, butt-kickers and hotels. It is a spirited discussion that ponders a John Wick/Grand Budapest Hotel hybrid and revels in the glory of Brendan Gleeson’s beard.
We want to thank our Twitter followers for the wonderful questions and hopefully our answers satiate your questioning of knife salesmanship.
Sit back, relax and learn about cinematic walking.
You can stream the pod at the Sharkdropper website or download the pod on Itunes. If you get a chance please review, share and rate the pod!
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It Follows has a unique style that blends a lurking sense of dread with absolute urgency. It isn’t afraid to mess with the genre while sticking to well-worn tropes. If you combined All the Real Girls with Nightmare on Elm Street and threw in All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, Elephant and The Sixth Sense you would have something sorta resembling the film.
Director David Robert Mitchell (The Myth of the American Sleepover) takes my favorite aspects of horror (urgency, dread, patience) and combines them with a beautifully simple story about the dangers of sex. Mitchell lets the film breath and this allows the rabbit and hare story to unfold organically. The teens sleepless state creates a dreamy atmosphere that is captured nicely by the lingering camera and patient editing. The film moves at a methodically slow pace yet you have a hard time catching your breath.
The reason this film works so well is because of Maika Monroe (The Guest). She has an earthy vibe that makes you dread every moment she chooses to sit alone in a park or have her back turned to a door. She isn’t being pursued by an evil creature because she brought it upon herself by being an 80’s teenage horror cliché (only exists to have sex). She trusted the wrong guy and was doomed to be hunted by an always following and often shape shifting ghost. How could she have known that this nice guy needed to pass a curse onto her via intercourse in order to stay alive?
I recently wrote a post about the Best Walking of cinema. Within the post I lamented how filmmakers nowadays rarely let the camera linger. In the fantastic 1949 film The Third Man we get a walk off camera moment that lasted two minutes! The point of the excessive walking was that it made the ending amazing. The hero was waiting by his car so his love interest Anna Schmidt could catch up. Instead of talking to him she looks straight ahead and walks past the camera. The scene built suspense by simply placing a camera in one spot and letting the moment pass by. It Follows adopts this strategy and uses it to dubious means.
A wide-angle lens + an old woman walking = something that is a whole lot scarier than the majority of the crap out there.
The opening scene expertly encapsulates what is to follow. It features a teenager in silk lingerie (Think DePalma) and high heels running from something unseen. her high-heeled footsteps are played up in the sound mix and they combine with the heavy synthesized soundtrack (Think John Carpenter) to build tension. What is most appealing about this scene is that it was filmed in one take. Thus, we know we are getting a hybrid horror blend that has true talent behind the camera.
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Mitchell’s film conjures up a dreamy and desolate suburban world that feels like a trap. The people drive old cars, go to throwback cinemas and only one person has a cell phone. It is a timeless place with rules that don’t 100% apply to the real world. The teenagers act like teenagers and that is a good thing. These are not the kids from Dawson’s Creek dealing with a sexually transported killer ghost. These are real high school/college kids who stay close to home and risk death so they can potentially have sex with a pretty girl. They come up with really weird plans and more often than not they fail. I totally understood why they never traveled far way because they had no money, cars or understanding parents to help them.
It Follows is the rare movie that stands up to the hype. It borrows heavily from other films but in the end it feels like its own thing. Mitchell is a director to watch and I hope he doesn’t cash in and make less effective sequels.
Co-writer John (The Horror Leviathan) wrote about It Follows as well. Check it out!
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Proudly sponsored by the audiobook company Audible, your new MFF podcast episode is here!
We hope you enjoyed our previous episode on The Best Worst Movie Monsters and Horror Villains!
This week the MFF crew discuss the best Cinematic Weightlifting, Sean Bean and the best horror moments of the last 15 years.
We answer such important questions as…
“Can Mark do an impression of Eddie Redmayne doing an impression of Bane?”
“Who can curl more? Ron Burgandy or Jason Voorhees?”
“What was Sean Bean’s best role in which he DIDN’T die?”
“Just how far can horror go and still only be rated PG?”
“Who would win in a fight between The Ring‘s Samara and the Oculus mirror?”
This week’s podcast is based on the following MFF reviews and articles:
Pain and Gain (2013)
15 Images for 15 Years of Horror: Part 1: some of the greatest, goriest, most shocking and most memorably defining moments in horror since 2000
15 Images for 15 Years of Horror: Part 2: The Good, the Bad and the Hilarious
Grabbers
Byzantium (2012)
Deliver Us From Evil by Mark
Deliver Us From Evil (2014) by John
The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)
Oculus (2014)
The Conjuring (2013)
The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Final Destination 5 (2011)
Grave Encounters (2011)
Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010)
Drag Me to Hell (2009)
Martyrs (2008)
Hatchet (2006)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Ginger Snaps (2000)
Sit back, relax and learn about everything you missed.
If you haven’t seen some of these movies, be comforted that we will geekily inform you as to why you should watch them.
You can stream the pod at the Sharkdropper website, listen to us on with your mobile app OneCast, or download the pod on Itunes.
If you get a chance please REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
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The Descent is the best horror film of the last 10 years. It is an urgent and bloody masterpiece that revolves around six women battling caves, crawlers and the past. I’ve been championing it for ten years and my soul was crushed (not really) when Cabin in the Woods was voted the best horror film of the last ten years by our readers. It belongs in the pantheon of great horror alongside Jaws (my favorite film) and Alien (Listen to our pod about the Alien series) because of the sheer economy and wonderful violence of it all. It is a fully fleshed out horror yarn that rips flesh and allows the characters to whoop some creature butt.
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Director Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers, Game of Thrones, Doomsday) is a maestro of mayhem who keeps his films moving briskly and expertly. He understands urgency and the need to keep moving forward. If you stop you die, and the ladies in The Descent have no choice but to keep moving. He directed a beautifully layered horror film that juggles, claustrophobia, monster mayhem and urgency. If you listen to the commentary you realize that it wasn’t a fluke. It is a carefully crafted movie that was thought out on every level and achieves the “pure cinema” label. This film is so good that notorious horror movie hater Roger Ebert gave it four stars and exulted it virtues.
“The Descent” — what a great title. This British horror-thriller recalls grueling, adrenaline-pumping classics like “Deliverance,” “Jaws,” “Alien” and “Dead Calm.” It’s that good. Finally, a scary movie with teeth, not just blood and entrails — a savage and gripping piece of work that jangles your nerves without leaving your brain hanging. And so, for a change, you emerge feeling energized and exhilarated rather than enervated, or merely queasy. This is the fresh, exciting summer movie I’ve been wanting for months. Or for years, it seems.
The Descent earns its scares because it doesn’t force them. So many horror films don’t earn their scares because they don’t take the time to build suspense, character and an original world. The Descent slowly introduces you to the characters, pushes them to extremes and then takes them to hell. The actresses do a great job of being believable, tough and three-dimensional. The movie passes my horror test because years after I watched it I still remembered the character’s names. Juno (Natalie Mendoza), Sarah (Shauna MacDonald), Beth (Alex Reid), Rebecca (Saskia Mulder), Sam (Myanna Buring) and Holly (Nora-Jane Noone) lack backstories (no big deal) yet still manage to have their own distinct personalities. Juno has always been my favorite because she wasn’t a bad guy but she definitely was a jerk.
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Have you heard of the horror movie “final girl” phrase? In films like Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre there is always one girl left alive. In The Descent I call it the “final woman.” They are badass warriors who much like Ripley in Alien come across as layered humans. It is rare in horror to have fully formed characters. So much of the horror world is made up of archetypes, it is a breath of fresh air when you get three-dimensional human beings battling cave dwelling carnivores. In the making of documentary Marshall calls his layered character approach the “flaky pastry principle. The beauty of The Descent is that after the character introductions and claustrophobic spelunking we are introduced to original horror monsters. Marshall had this to say about his crawlers:
“they had to be something that could get the women, something human, but not quite”. The crawlers were depicted as cavemen who never left the caves and evolved in the dark. The director included mothers and children in the colony of creatures, defining his vision, “It is a colony and I thought that was far more believable than making them the classic monsters. If they had been all male, it would have made no sense, so I wanted to create a more realistic context for them. I wanted to have this very feral, very primal species living underground, but I wanted to make them human. I didn’t want to make them aliens because humans are the scariest things.”
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What makes these creatures scary is that they are acting on instinct. There is no lame back story (I did learn on the commentary they named one Steve) or motives. They are human enough to keep the fights even and this allows the brawls to be barn burners. The stage direction was limited as Marshall told the actor in the creature suit to “go for the neck,” then he told his actress “don’t let it get your neck.” The simplicity kept it believable and raw. These confrontations do not seem rehearsed and they play like a classic predator/prey hunt. The coolest thing that Neil Marshall did was wait to show the actresses the creatures until the initial introduction. The reaction was fear and the phrase “they scared the living daylights out of me” was heard multiple times. These monsters were so well conceived they were ranked #6 between the Wolf Man and the The Thing Alien on Complex’s 50 greatest monsters article. The Descent’s Effects Designer Paul Hyett proclaimed his love for the practical effects of The Thing on the making of documentary. You could see the joy in his eyes as he talked about the gore, exploding prosthetics and gallons of blood. The practical creature effects are timeless because they will not age or become outdated (Think Nosferatu. Always great). I love how each monster had their own personality and a lot of credit is due to the actors who brought the latex to life.
Meet Scar. He is like the jerky “Biff” of the Descent world.
The Descent builds to a beautifully brutal climax that features my favorite shot in all of horror. It is a gangster moment that happens before the two women vs. three creature fight. It is stuff of horror lover dreams and the climax is a mixture of eye-gouging gore, feral fighting and practical lighting. The two women cannot stay still and that adds more drama to the fight. They don’t back down and move forward into oblivion with gusto.
You almost feel bad for the cave-dwellers….especially the one on the right
The Descent is one of my favorite horror films and I like that is has collected a big following. Quality has been rewarded and proves that Neil Marshal’s five P (Preparation prevents piss poor performance) style works. I love that Pinewood studio sets filled in for the North Carolina mountains and the budget was so small that sets had to constantly be reconfigured. It is a film that was made with a small budget and lots of love. It is an innovators dream that took quality to another level. Watch The Descent. Never go spelunking in foreign cave systems. Appreciate the wonderful work of Neil Marshall.
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The streaming landscape is so vast it becomes difficult to differentiate the various services. Netflix gets the majority of the press as Bloodline, Orange is the New Black, Arrested Development and House of Cards sweep up the media coverage. However, Amazon Prime has some great stuff going on. Not only does it have original programming (Transparent, Bosch) it has some exclusive television shows (Orphan Black!!!) and movies you can’t find on Netflix.
In an effort to save you time and energy I’ve scoured the streaming services and started offering film/television recommendations that you might appreciate. We here at MFF have already unleashed posts about Netflix’s Horror and underwatched gems. We’ve also covered which shows to binge watch from the streaming services.
Top of the Lake is fantastic. Check it out on Netflix.
These five films (and more to come) represent independent cinema at its finest. They are weird, bloody and unflinching yet offer something new and original. Whether they open up the door to other films or prove you can turn somebody into a walrus you should watch these movies.
Starred Up
What I like about Starred Up is that it never feels inauthentic. It was written by an ex-prison therapist and filmed over 24 days in an old prison. It isn’t glorified tough guy crap that oozes style over substance.Starred Up isn’t trying to create anti-heroes and treacherous villains. It is told in the grey where you understand the violence and family dynamics.
Ben Mendelsohn is wonderful as Eric’s (Jack O’Connell) father Neville. He pulls off a believable balance of menace and clueless. He is used to doling out threats and doesn’t know how to deal with a 19-year-old punk calling him out in front of other inmates. His attempts at parenting lead to embarrassing his son which leads to more violence. The amazing thing is that you actually believe Neville as a person. You understand the guy and why he does what he does. After killing Them Softly, Place Beyond the Pines and Animal Kingdom Mendelsohn has proven himself to be a seriously layered threat. Mendelsohn has given us four iconic criminals who are nothing alike and frighten in different ways.
Tusk
Warning: Tusk is weird. Tusk is uneven. Tusk is sorta wonderful. If you are a fan of Kevin Smith you should watch this film.
I enjoyed Tusk because of how random the experience was. It was based on a Smodcast episode that Smith and Scott Mosier did called The Walrus and the Carpenter. The two talked about an ad that stated somebody could live for free in a house if they dressed like a walrus. The ad was a hoax but it still inspired Smith to write the horror/comedy/drama. It is vulgar, weird, exciting, crude, scary and features a gonzo extended A-list cameo. It is impossible to know where it is going and I appreciated that. Smith has taken a major risk and because of that there are things that I will never unsee.
Under the Skin
Under the Skin is a mesmerizing film that captures Scotland’s dreary beauty while blasting us with the most sensory film of 2014. I love that there is zero backstory or expository hand holding. It is a remarkably simple movie that still leaves many questions unanswered. It is a pure and unadulterated experience that could be vivisected or simply appreciated. My advice is to turn off the lights, turn up the volume and allow yourself to fully appreciate a spellbinding experience.
With Lucy, Captain America: Winter Soldier and Under the Skin I think Scarlett Johansson totally won 2014.
The Spectacular Now
The late great Roger Ebert opened up his Spectactular Now review with this quote:
Here is a lovely film about two high school seniors who look, speak and feel like real 18-year-old middle-American human beings. Do you have any idea how rare that is?
The Spectacular Now is an incredibly rare film. Ebert reinforced the rarity of memorable characters by comparing Miles Teller’s character Sutter Keely to Say Anything’s Lloyd Dobler. They are both aimless, capable and fall for women who love and care for them.
The chemistry between Woodley and Teller is wonderful and the film has an earthy vibe that is rare nowadays.
Cheap Thrills
Cheap Thrills was one of my favorite films of 2014. It has a nasty streak that will alienate many but capture a solid cult following. It wears you out but doesn’t drain you with depravity. It walks a tight rope of gore and despair but manages to not fall into a nothingness abyss. David Koechner and Sara Paxton (fantastic bad guys!) remain mysterious throughout as we never get any revelations about them. Are they really a couple? Have they done this before? The questions are welcome because it leaves you to come up with the answers.
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Furious 7: A fantastic film that breaks out the Belgian beer but never strays too far from the joys of Corona
If you read MFF you know that I am a huge fan of the Fast series, celebrate all things BBQ and I’m still hoping for a national “Fast and Furious” day. If I had to rank the films I would say 2 Fast 2 Furious (reasoning here and here) is the best and followed by 5, 3, 1, 7, 6, 4. I love all of the Fast films and I think it is brilliant how they’ve built a superstar core of cast members who make the impossible possible.
I’ve loved watching the series adapt and become a worldwide phenomena. The Dom Squad started off robbing trucks and now they are global operatives driving $3,000,000 cars through buildings. In 2001 a trucker with a shotgun almost killed them all. Now, our heroes skydive cars, take down tanks and know the ancient art of wrench fighting.
The award for most unnecessary (yet awesome) wrench fight of 2015 goes to Diesel and Statham
In 2001 getting dressed up meant wearing a clean sleeveless t-shirt. Our 2015 heroes rock tailored suits to parties in Abu Dhabi.
The plot of Furious 7 revolves around the Dom Squad battling a final video game boss known as Deckard Shaw (Statham being Statham). Shaw is annoyed that they put his brother (Owen from Fast 6) in a coma and vows revenge. He kills Han (Sung Kang) in Tokyo, injures Hobbs (The Rock) and almost wipes out Dom but is foiled by Mr. Petty (Kurt Russell!!!!!!). The rest of the film centers around the crew searching for a tracking device called The God’s Eye while battling Shaw every step of the way.
Furious 7 is packed to the brim with plot but never gets crushed by the weight of it. While the crew battles Shaw we also have to deal with Letty’s (Michelle Rodriguez) amnesia, Mia’s (Jordana Brewster) pregnancy, Han’s death, a trip to Tokyo and henchmen played Djimon Hounsou, Ronda Rousey and Tony Jaa.
Director James Wan (Saw, Insidious 1&2, Conjuring) steps in admirably and uses his horror background well. He makes the familiar fun and finds a way to make genre tropes fresh. Wan has fun with the material and embraces the insanity of the Fast world. The key to making a great Fast film is to be really smart about being dumb. Wan utilizes the characters well, doesn’t mess with the format and gets the final product to the finish line. The best example of keeping the films fresh happens between Kurt Russell and Diesel. Russell’s character loves Belgian beer and offers some to Diesel. Diesel proclaims his love of Corona and before he can finish his sentence he is met with a bucket of ice-cold beer. Wan’s Fast film breaks out the Belgian beer but never strays too far from the joys of Corona.
My favorite part of the Fast series has always been Brian O’ Conner. What I love about the character is that he kept the films grounded. While Vin was wrench fighting and the Rock was exploding arm casts, O’Conner was using his brain to get out of situations. He is the unsung hero because his heroics have always been subtle. He is a family man who embraces his friends while taking down planes, trains and automobiles. I recently wrote a post about his seven best moments and it solidified his importance to the series. Walker had great chemistry with the cast and the handling of his tragic death was handled beautifully in the film. Walker will be missed in the Fast series because he kept the films grounded.
Furious 7 is a fantastic movie that honors Paul Walker, keeps the material fresh and gives Kurt Russell a great role. I loved every second of it and can’t wait to see what the inevitable Fast 8 is all about.
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Hello all. Mark here.
There are hundreds of horror films on Netflix. Most are bad, some are decent and several of them are very good. I’ve searched the depths of the horror categories and discovered some gems and total soul crushers. The following suggestions represent horror films that cover all ends of the spectrum. If you watch these five films you will witness evil mirrors, serial killers.vampires, nazi zombies and a cabin in the woods. I’ve made sure to incorporate some humor into the bleakness so you don’t get burnt out and questioning why you listened to my suggestions.
Honeymoon – A recently married couple goes through hell and not back in this innovative take on the “cabin the woods” genre. It was hard for me to watch because I am a recent newlywed and the thought of going through this on my honeymoon crushed my soul. Rose Leslie (Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones) is fantastic and her chemistry with Harry Treadaway makes this a film to watch.
Oculus – Oculus is smarter than it has any right to be. The WWE produced horror film is bleak but refreshes you with a story that doesn’t insult you. We here at MFF love Oculus and appreciate the care taken to provide a tough and well-thought out film.
Dead Snow/Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead – Nazi Zombies run amok and kill everything in sight. I love the insanity that director Tommy Wirkola imbues in his films and he can pull off gore that would normally shock and annoy. After watching Oculus the Dead Snow films will cheer you up and satiate any need you have for over the top gore.
Shadow of the Vampire – I love the premise of Shadow of the Vampire. Nosferatu was filmed with a real vampire! John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe chew scenery while Cary Elwes (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) continued his strong work in vampire films. I love that a weird idea became a movie with A-list talent. Shadow of the Vampire is a meta little thing that makes you laugh, cringe and look at horror films with a different perspective.
I Saw the Devil – I Saw the Devil will put your soul in a headlock and have it hurting for several days. Once the pain wears off you will start appreciating the movie (Much like Thirst). It is a war of attrition that is made easier by confident direction and occasional beauty. To keep a semblance of mental health I had to watch it in several installments (during the daytime). In a day and age of disposable entertainment memorable movies like this don’t come around very often.
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Horror is a genre rich in recycled concepts, cookie-cutter plots and trope-y character archetypes. But if you wind things back to the classics, there was a time when horror was doing things for the first time. Well, maybe not the first time…but before it was common on film or in horror. Here are a few interesting examples of how horror reached out to our romantic lives long before most of us we were even born. I give you my favorite “awkward moments” of classic horror…
That awkward moment when you realize that…The Mummy (1931) was totally creeping on the wrong chick.
You know the old Cinderella story. No one would call that slipper-toting Cinderella Prince a stalker for seeking that girl he had met the night of the ball–after all, women tend to leave things behind when they want to see you again. They leave keys or their phone–anything to get back through the door, right? But what happens when you think you see your old high school girlfriend or an old flame, you become overtaken with “that old feeling” and stalk her, and it turns out it’s just someone who looks like her…thousands of years later. Classic mix-up, right?
Well, that’s what happens to the Mummy. Imhotep spends the movie looking for his lost love, thinks he finds her, then stalks this woman that he believes is his reincarnated love. I guess it’s not that weird, though. There are plenty of people in California hoeing their victory gardens and praying to vision boards with power crystals who eat up that “we were lovers in another life” crap.
Imhotep pointing at the picture: “See, that’s her. I know it.”
The other guy: “Ummmm, bro? I’m pretty sure your girl died in 5000 BC. We have electricity now, you know? Did you try calling her?”
This sort of problem could only happen today through Facebook or other social media. You know, you’ve been flirting for a while and exchanging pictures, but she won’t Skype with you. Before you know it you’re in the middle of some Catfishing situation.
That awkward moment when you realize that…Dracula (1931) was horror’s first “in the closet” homosexual.
I know what you’re thinking…but hold on and just listen. I have lots of evidence supporting this notion.
Exhibit A: He has a special bed and a set bedtime every day. Now, he could just be OCD and not necessarily gay. But ever notice how he sleeps in the same position every night in a box that keeps him from tossing and turning while he’s fully clothed? Yup. He doesn’t want his pale powdery make-up to smudge or his clothes to wrinkle. That way he can look fabulous first thing, even when Van Helsing unexpectedly wakes him up with a stake and hammer!
I guess this will have to do until your pre-ordered Sleep Number Bed arrives. I hope it offers could lower back support so that you can recover from your Zumba classes.
Exhibit B: He definitely favors soft lighting. Why? It’s just more flattering, ya’ big silly. And besides, getting tan in the sun just leads to wrinkles.
Exhibit C: He wears black. Why? It’s so slimming, isn’t it? He also likes jewelry. I’m reminded of the adorable Nathan Lane from The Birdcage (1996). He was just a bottle of joy and sunshine in his rings and his summer hat at the local farmer’s market.
And, bro? What’s with the jazz hands? Again…think Nathan Lane. Nathan Lane in The Birdcage was the most endearing character I think I’ve ever seen. Of course, he had a much greater mastery of hand movements than Dracula. But hey, Dracula pretty much invented the notion of flagrant hand movements while walking.
Exhibit D: He understands that he should never touch a woman’s hair without permission.
“It’s…so healthy. What conditioner do you use?”
Exhibit E: He dresses immaculately and lives alone in a castle of antiquity. It was probably his mom’s house. Granted he needs to clean, but maybe he was just keeping the house as mother left it.
That’s a candle, not a “mandle.” I don’t care if it is scented like mahogany and leatherbound books. And what’s with the hands this time? Are those “spirit fingers?”
That awkward moment when you realize that…Bride of Frankenstein (1935) was the first blind date.
“Eeeeek. How old are your EHarmony profile pics, bub?”
Arranged marriages have existed for thousands of years in innumerable cultures. But these marriages are brokered by land-owning fathers, monarchs, lords, tribal chiefs and the like to create financial and political bonds through merging bloodlines. None of that seems to be the case here. So now I must ask you…when Frankenstein’s monster met his freshly re-animated bride, was it the first ever BLIND DATE? Good question, right? But, based on his bride’s face I’m guessing it wasn’t love at first sight for her.
If Frankenstein’s monster had a Match.com profile, what would his handle and tagline be? “Newly re-invented man of few words seeks rigid-limbed bride. Hobbies include frightening villagers. Pet peeves: fire and pitch forks.”
Anyway, Frankie is really the perfect man for the first blind date since he’s more than he appears to be. He’s very gentle, despite being so big–and sensitive, too. I mean, the guy is terrified of fire. Ladies, listen to me. He’ll treat you right and make you feel safe.
That awkward moment when you realize that…The Wolf Man (1941) was basically the first guy with a sexually transmitted disease in a movie.
Thank God Facebook didn’t exist yet. Otherwise he’d be using buddy Frankenstein’s account to FB stalk his girl (since, I’m sure, she blocked him). Instead, this fool is just wandering around the forest.
It was a modern time in 1934 America (the setting of the story). The first generation of working women to have the right to vote were just reaching the age at which they’d seek a suitor to wed. But with modern times come modern problems….like The Wolf Man. He comes back to his hometown, meets a nice girl, gets “infected” by something one evening while he’s in the company of another girl (who hasn’t heard that story before?), then ravenously he stalks his love interest in the middle of the night with his symptoms FLARING! So, basically The Wolf Man is like the first guy to get an STD.
You know, Lon Chaney (The Wolf Man) went about this all wrong. Hear me out on this one, okay? So, he gets infected with Lycanthropy and there are no quick and easy ways to get tested like a Family Planning Clinic or anything. But a little manscaping could go a long way. Maybe if he had made that effort, she would have patiently waited for him to seek out the appropriate medical (or magical) treatment. But no. I was a typical bro. He got embarrassed and then got angry and he stalked her. If you ask me, he got what he had coming.
But, in his defense, manscaping would not have been well-received back then. The metrosexual male didn’t exist in that generation. But, seriously, Wolfie…maybe write her a letter or something.
That awkward moment when you realize that…The Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) was the first truly campy horror movie.
This movie is the reason “monster rape” became so prevalent in cheap, campy horror. Okay, let’s just clear the air. Dracula and the Wolf Man have done their share of stalking. All classic horror involves some level of “stalking” of some woman by the monster, but in Creature the sole reason behind the plot seems to be carnal.
Creature is the first true stalker. In the story, some people are on a biological expedition (along with a beautiful lady) and the subject of their trip (the ichthyoid man) catches a glimpse of a fair lady. Curious, fixated, obsessed, and unable to explain “these strange feelings”; the creature proceeds to follow the expedition down the Amazon, killing the men off one by one, and eventually abducting the woman and taking her to his lair.
I don’t think she’d be thrilled about this, bub. I also doubt that she “feels the connection between you two.”
Yup. Just a creeper. No means no, bro!
So this concludes “that awkward moment” in classic horror. Stay tuned for future installments…
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Hello all. Mark here.
The audible sponsored MFF Podcast is back!
The world had been inundated with books, articles, posts and documentaries praising the great movie monsters and horror villains. I love the classic movie monsters but I wanted to praise the best worst movie monsters and villains. They’ve made bad movies better and have a special place in my heart. Whether it be the large sea beast in Waterworld or Parker Posey in Blade: Trinity they’ve elevated the material to wonderfully bad heights.
John “The Horror Leviathan” was off surfing in Hawaii and catching up on Hellraiser films. So, John “Mr. Sharkdropper” and I got together and recorded some pure gold.
Sit back, relax and learn about bad movie monsters.
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