Bad Movie Tuesday: 2013 Predictions
2013 is going to be the year of witch hunters, evil dead, huge battles, spaceships, fast zombies, self aware zombies, leather jackets, giants and axe fights. These all sound awesome but could be too good to be true. I’ve learned over the years that “too good to be true” is not always good. If this was true then Aliens Vs. Predator, Aliens Vs. Predator Requiem, and Predators would be the greatest trilogy ever. Sadly, they are all soul crushing, incoherent and feature Adrien Brody doing the tough guy voice.
2013 is a bizarre year of cinema. It will be dominated by delayed films, 16 Nic Cage and Dolph Lundgren movies and another sequel to Die Hard. Many things will blow up. budgets are huge, sequels are many and Evil Dead will be remade. 2013 is a year that could prove fatal for comic book adaptations as cinema goers will be inundated with what feels like thousands of them. Also, the fantasy genre has gotten a major boost yet some of the biggest offerings like Jack the Giant Slayer and Hansel and Gretel are certain to fall short of reaching the top of the financial bean stock. A-list celebrities are joining in the fantasy meleee. Brad Pitt is in the much maligned World War Z, Will Smith is in M. Night’s After Earth and Rachel Weisz will be an angry witch in Oz. Just researching the films coming in 2013 has given me CGI fatigue.
The following is a list of 2013 predictions that will appease the bad movie gods and give you something to look forward to. Sit back, relax and enjoy the list.
1. I’m predicting this will be John’s (workout fanatic, squat weight poster on Facebook) favorite movie of 2013, 2014 and 2015.
via
2. 2013 is going to be great for Nicolas Cage. He has nine films that could possibly be released in 2013. He chases around John Cusack in Frozen Ground. His film Outcast has the synopsis “A mysterious warrior teams up with the daughter and son of a deposed Chinese Emperor to defeat their cruel Uncle, who seeks their deaths.” Also, Marble City has this tagline “A prisoner leaves jail and seeks out those that placed him inside.”
2013 will be the year of Cage! I’m waiting for the day where he and Cusack play brothers who battle Dolph Lundgren and Scott Adkins before they team up and destroy an evil Eric Roberts. I’m also looking forward for the patented Nice Cage grimace and run.
3. The Lone Ranger will be a $250 train wreck. I like that Gore Verbinski is back with Johnny Depp but the film had massive production problems, took 140 days to film and will have to make $800 million to break even after advertising and promotion. The excess seems unnecessary and watching Depp be zany isn’t what it used to be.
4. Sylvester Stallone will have an axe fight with Jason Mamoa in 2013. There is nothing bad about axe fights. However, the film Bullet to the Head looks kinda iffy. Seems like a vehicle for Sly to show off his abs and make jokes about how old he is. The best part is that Khal Drogo and Han from the Fast series are in the film.
5. World War Z will be incredibly frustrating and loaded with unnecessary CGI. I read the book World War Z and this seems like a very loose adaptation. It was scheduled to be released in 2012 but had seven weeks of reshoots and Drew Goodard (Cabin in the Woods) had to rewrite the ending. Also, the zombies move like they chugged a pitcher of red bull that was mixed with Surge soda and cocaine. There is no hope for humanity if zombies run like Usain Bolt. They are like a tidal wave of fast dead people that climb on top of each other to scale walls. I am still going to watch the film because I love zombie apocalypses. The best thing this film has going is the low expectations.
6. Keanu Reeves will star in a massive samurai epic called 47 Ronin. I am really curious to see if a $150+ million samurai epic starring Reeves will be awesome. I love the gamble and the curiosity factor. I want to know who green lit this film because it sounds bonkers. I’m assuming it will make millions overseas but I am curious to see how well it does.
7. Dolph Lundgren will star in Battle of the Dammed, Tomb of the Dragon, Rush, Rescue 3 and Blood of Redemption. In Blood of Redemption he is playing a guy called “The Swede.” Dolph Lundgren finally embraces hipster glasses in 2013 too.
8. Fast 6 will break the land speed record of awesomeness. Fast Five mastered awesome dumb. Hopefully, Fast Six will perfect dumb. I will bet you that Paul Walker and Tyrese say “bruh” at least 36 times. How many “bruhs” do you think there will be?
9. Why are they making a sequel to Insidious? I love that movie and it ended perfectly. I dig that they are bringing back the entire cast but it feels like a cash grab. My worst nightmares will be realized when they make a sequel to Devil and Drag Me To Hell as well. I don’t want this guy to be less scary.
10. GI Joe: Retaliation will be the most bonkers film of 2013. It was set to be released in 2012 but it was pushed back to 2013 so they could add 3D and more Channing Tatum. The preview didn’t offer much hope because of the longest well climbing scene ever and Bruce Willis being Bruce Willis. The mountain ninjas might look cool in 3D though. The good news is that Tyra from Friday Night Lights has a big role. I hope it works better for her than the other movie where she is pictured holding guns fashionably.
11. The boldest claim of 2013. I don’t know if I want to watch something terrifying. The only time I was terrified by a movie was Ernest Scared Stupid and that film made a young me have nightmares for over a month.
12. Most depressing trailer of 2013. The Scary Movie series has never been great but it hasn’t depressed me either. Scary Movie 5 has gone into Meet the Spartans territory. Watching Charlie Sheen get his nuts smooshed isn’t as funny as it used to be.
13. Hansel and Gretel will join Mummy 3, Indiana Jones 4 and Deep Blue Sea as my favorite guilty pleasures.
14. Identity Theft will feature the most throat punches of 2013
15. Leatherface will finally jump the guy who is jumping the shark. I never knew he had a collection of weapons. Watching Leatherface pick a chainsaw like a movie at Redbox is the least terrifying thing they could have him do.
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John’s Horror Corner: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
MY CALL: I wasn’t at all thrilled with this movie as a Texas Chainsaw movie, but I generally LOVED it as a bad horror flick! It had a great story idea, but a combination of poor delivery/execution and a departure from The Texas Chainsaw “family values” guillotined its potential. [B for a horror flick] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: There are six other Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies. Get started. But maybe skip the stillborn 1994 reboot. Also, please enjoy The Cabin in the Woods–it explains why most of this stuff happens.
A very inexperienced director (John Luessenhop; Takers) has failed to continue delivering the well-pedigreed success of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise reboot. While many people complain about the reboot remake in 2003 and the follow-up prequel The Beginning (2006), they followed in the tradition of brutally torturing and psychologically flaying young groups of off-the-trail road trippers surrounded by “holy shit” moments. Whether you loved them or hated them, and for whatever reason, you winced and gritted your teeth while trying not to look away. This latest installment neither made me wince nor flinch. The scares were hardly present, I never had a sense of suspense or dread or terror, and the brutality was outstandingly minimal compared to all other Texas Chainsaw movies. Clearly, the branding was lost.
Heather (Alexandra Daddario; the Percy Jackson movies) learns that her grandmother willed her a Texas mansion in a small town. This also comes with the discovery that she was stolen, not adopted, by her “parents.” She travels to visit her newly inherited manor with her friends Ryan (Trey Songz), Nikki (Tania Raymonde; Lost, Chillerama) and Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sánchez; True Blood), and they pick up shockingly friendly hitchhiker Carl (Scott Eastwood; Trouble with the Curve) on the way.
These kids aren’t great actors. But they do fine. And Heather and Nikki are off the charts hot! So hot, in fact, that all camera angles meant to frame “the cast” actually use Nikki’s ass as the foreground and Heather’s abby, cropped-shirt stomach as the background, with the male characters somewhere in between. LOL. This is NOT a joke at all and it happens multiple times. [This may sound like negative criticism, but it’s not. I love it!]
Heather (Alexandra Daddario) and Nikki (Tania Raymonde).
Heather (Alexandra Daddario)
This young group reaches the manor and decides to stay, party and explore. While doing this, they basically follow The Cabin in the Woods playbook. Two characters wander off alone. People discover things like secret doors and investigate by themselves. They play loud music so Ryan (played by Trey Songz) can’t hear his friend dying over the Trey Songz hit “Ladies and the Drinks.” Nikki drinks, does drugs and tries to seduce her best friend’s boyfriend out in the barn–THE BARN!!! Oh, and Heather tests the audience’s patience by seeing how many times she can fall while being chased. [This may sound like negative criticism, but it’s not. I love it!]
Nikki (Tania Raymonde) sinning with Ryan (Trey Songz).
Why is all this happening? Because evidently Leatherface still lives there. Should Heather have known that? Well, maybe. Her grandmother left her an important letter which she never got around to reading until the end of the movie.
The action finale is more of an understated “fight” than a blaringly loud, desperate, blood and sweat-drenched chase scene–which branded the franchise in horror fans’ psyches. This struck me as a MAJOR mistake. It was not only done poorly, but even done “well” it was terribly ill-suited for the Leatherface character they built up in this film. Thankfully, the not-so-twisty twist at the end made up for it with good intentions on the writers’ part. A sequel or additional installment of some sort is obviously on its way, but I hope they return to the family dynamic of past installments that just seemed to make the “sickness” of The Texas Chainsaw series work.
LEATHERFACE: In this film his character goes largely unexplained. Past movies use family bullying, psychological manipulation and sexual undertones to explain what drives this lug and aims his rage. All we learn in this movie is that he’s obsessed with masking himself in human flesh and, in about 15 seconds of the movie, it’s suggested that he may feminize himself with make-up and women’s clothing.
THE STORY: The writers managed to construct an interesting, plausible story linking the end of the first movie of the “original franchise” with this reboot installment. The story elements are actually much cooler than previous installments had to offer. However, the poor presentation of the horror, terror, brutality, surreal macabre, and psychological torture that branded the original franchise just wasn’t here–rendering these impressive story ideas less effective. This was unfortunate.
TIMELINE: This movie serves as a present day setting sequel to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) as if the original franchise sequels 2 & 3 and then The Next Generation (1994) never happened. But can we just point out that the lead actress is 26, she looks younger, she’s probably playing a character younger than 26, and the original Texas Chainsaw movie (1974) came out 39 years ago when her lead character was between 6 and 12 months old. Now, hey, I get that today’s movie releases may “take place” 10 or 20 years in the past. But the local police cars in this movie are all low-jacked with locations presented on an HDTV at HQ and a cop provides a live video feed with his SmartPhone. So, yes, it takes place NOW. So either our lead chick looks AMAZING at 40 years old or the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) took place about 14 years in the future–for no apparent reason whatsoever. Nope, that’s out, too. Heather saw a newspaper article about the original “massacre” in a police evidence box.
Guess who?
THE GORE: It was abundant. But there really wasn’t so much for a Texas Chainsaw movie, and it was often delivered with less of a cringing intensity. There were oodles of blood trails (from dragging bodies), but not so much in the way of actively drawing blood and opening wounds spewing about. A lot was presented after the fact or more in the background of the shot rather than the focus of the camera angle (e.g., when Leatherface is amputating limbs on his work table). There was also basically no torture, just flat out killing for the most part, with no lead in of terror, toying or torture. The major exception to all this was a very satisfying face-peeling scene–that was my major wincing “ooooh weee” scene.
CAMEOS: A small victory for fans of the franchise is that familiar faces like Gunnar Hanson (stock footage Leatherface; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) cameos as one of the two actors playing Jed “Leatherface” Sawyer and Bill Mosely (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2; The Devil’s Rejects) cameos as Drayton Miller during the intro flashback scenes. Even the young local Deputy Darryl (Shaun Sipos; Final Destination 2, The Grudge 2, Lost Boys: The Tribe) will likely be recognized by horror regulars.
3-D: I saw this in 3D and, sadly, the 3D added nothing too it. Some people generally find 3D more exciting and they may appreciate it. However, spectacles were more often obscured than enhanced by the 3D filming, especially blood. The fact that this was presented in 3D, of course, warranted that Leatherface attack “the camera” with his chainsaw so that we’d be all “oooooh shit, it’s coming right for us!”
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Killer Joe
The poster sums it up. Killer Joe is a “totally twisted, deep-fried Texas redneck trailer park murder story.” The film is based on the 1993 Texas Gothic play by Tracey Letts. the Gothic aspects stick out because of the blending of terror and romance that merge with specific locals. The script reminded me of Flannery O’Connor’s short story A Good Man Is Hard to Find. The two are different in structure and character development but both feature mysterious characters, religious tones and southern locations. Both stories end on bloody and humorous tones. Especially, in Good Man where the Misfit kills an old woman and says “She would have been a good woman if there had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.”
Killer Joe is absolutely bonkers. totally twisted and sickly fantastic. The story revolves around a family of dimwits who hire a hitman to kill their mother/ex-wife so they can collect the $50,000 in life insurance to make them trailer rich and debt free from the gangsters looking for blood. They are a crew of promiscuous, alcoholic and uneducated folk who are easily manipulated and quick to lend the youngest to be the hitmans retainer.
Matthew McConaughey had a stellar 2012 (Magic Mike, Bernie, Paperboy). In this film he manages to use the McC charm while exuding a believable malice. Something dark lurks behind the good ole Texas boy persona. His final scene with Thomas Hayden Church and Gina Gershon should earn him an Oscar nomination. What makes him scary is his charisma. His character reminded me of the smooth talking H.H. Holmes who was chronicled in the educational/frightening book The Devil in the White City. The reason this film didn’t shock me like Korean killer films like I Saw the Devil or Thirst is because I know the ebb and flow of southern Gothic novels and the buttons they push. The biggest surprise was McConaughey. The only other 2012 performance that is on his level is Jack Black’s lovable killer in Bernie.
If you can find humor among death, dumb and chicken wings you will love this film. The performances by McC, Church, Gershon and Hirsch are all-in marvels of commitment. I find it odd that Juno Temple is getting zero reward talk. She pulls off the the bravest performance of 2012 and deserves some mention come Oscar time. If it were not for the cast and odd tongue in cheek attitude the movie would be a draining experience that sucks you into a bad place that can only be cured by episodes of New Girl and Happy Endings. There is a current of humor flowing in the river of filth. Also, most of the time you are amazed by McC’s performance that you forget what he is doing with a piece of chicken. Killer Joe walks a dirty tightrope that could easily be pushed into exploitation land. The thing that saves the film is the unique Gothic writing of Letts and the crafy direction of Friedkin (Exorcist, French Connection).
Killer Joe is not an easy film. It is not for the faint of heart or unsuspecting person expecting a McConaughey romantic comedy. It is lean, mean and totally twisted. The film is also hard to recommend because of the violence and yuckiness that hits you like the Texas heat. If you like Gothic themes, fantastic dialogue set pieces and all-in performances check this film out.
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Step Up 4: Revolution (2012)
MY CALL: This flick is echelons beyond You Got Served: Beat the World (2011), and even eclipses the original You Got Served (2004) and matches all of the Step Up franchise. This along with the other Step Up movies always leave me feeling satisfied, happy, pumped up and itching to pull a hamstring learning how to slam dance. [B+] IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: The other Step Up movies, not necessarily in order.
Miami crew The Mob is trying to drum up 10 million YouTube hits with their filmed flash mob hip hop routines done in public. Of course they all have crappy jobs, douche-y bosses, and could really use a break. The movie is predictably formulaic, but that’s okay. The rebellious crew captain meets a rebellious young lady who, of course, also dances quite well and in a different style. Finances grow tighter. Douche bags become douchier. The love interest becomes complicated by the pressure of a powerful father’s (Peter Gallagher) ultimatum. The girl is challenged to risk everything. The Mob puts “it all” on the line.
Together Sean (Ryan Guzman in his first movie) and Emily (SYTYCD‘s Kathryn, who looks a lot like Eliza Dushku) mix his hip hop street savvy with her contemporary style. Born two worlds apart, but they’re one of a kind…yeah, it’s that kind of “rule-breaking” hip flick. He says things like “trust me” and “meet me here at this time…and wear something nice.” How mysterious and romantic, right? He wins her romantic passion by introducing her to his life’s passion: hip hop flash mobbing.
The movie is shot well with vibrant colors bringing Miami to life. The music is fun. The dancing is exciting. The flash mob set ups are cool, too. I especially enjoyed the art gallery scene, during which many dance and lighting styles were showcased. Even parkour (freerunning) finds its way into this movie.
There’s trampoline dancing, devil stick dancing, martial arts dancing, parkour, contemporary, girl crew booty shaking, hip hop, stop-motion robotics, a dash of krump, un poco de salsa…pretty much everything. Oh, and the best twitchy robot dancer EVER (Vlad from Step Up 3D)makes an appearance in the finale. Good stuff! I seriously can’t tell if they’re modifying the film speed or if he can really move like that. Jenny Kido and Moose (both from Step Up 2 and Step Up 3D) make appearances, too. Surprises abound left and right. And, no. I didn’t ruin anything for you.
Moose leading the revolution
These actors are nothing amazing, but they don’t drown in the sea of clichés and destitute writing. They hold their own just strong enough to keep my attention and earn a few grins as I patiently wait for the next dance scene. The movie also features So You Think You Can Dance‘s Twitch (who is wisely given very few lines as Jason) (Step Up 3D, Stomp the Yard 2) and Mia Michaels basically playing herself.
This movie is 90 minutes of feel good, stickin’-it-to-the-man fun that reminds me of how exciting life was in my early 20s and late teens.
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The Kick (2011)
MY CALL: Ouch! Unacceptable across the board. What a shame. I was looking forward to this movie for a long time. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: The Raid: Redemption (2011), Ong-Bak (2003), The Protector (2005) and Chocolate (2009). If you love them, you could try their second-tier cousins Raging Phoenix (2009), Merantau (2009) and Ong-Bak 2 (2008). TRAILER: Click here to see my Trailer Talk.
Prachya Pinkaew–director of Ong-Bak (2003), The Protector (2005), Chocolate (2009) and currently filming The Protector 2, and producer-only of Ong-Bak 2 (2008) and Raging Phoenix (2009)–disappoints on his most recent release. The camera work is poor (especially during action scenes and stunts), the editing reveals that the stunts were rarely done fluidly within the fight choreography, and the fight choreography itself felt like it would have been impressive 15 years ago before the Jeeja Yanin (aka Jija Yanin Mitananda), Tony Jaa, Scott Adkins era, but now it just seems dated.
The plot is rather simple. A Korean family of Tae Kwon Do Olympians moves to Thailand (for whatever reason) and opens a gym. While preparing for national Tae Kwon Do day and the Olympic trials they foil some criminals’ attempt to steal a valuable artifact and are then extorted to steal it for them.
Other than Jeeja Yanin (as Wawa), none of these young kids have been in any movies before. It’s meant to be a cute family martial arts movie but rather than having an air of Jackie Chan charm, it just comes off hokey and poorly executed. The hits are light, portrayed as far too powerful, and the fights are more silly than clever and, when clever, still poorly executed.
Here, this idiot does a Spice Girls dance routine to augment his martial arts prowess. Really, he does. My soul hurts now!
I’m confused as to how this was so awful. It had a $3.5 million dollar budget–slightly less than the $4m for Ong-Bak or $5m for Chocolate. Couldn’t they find more capable young martial artists for cheap? Stunt men aren’t expensive? What was the problem here? Why does this suck while his other directorial work rocks?
This movie really looked like it could be loads of fun. So sad.
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The Greatest MFF Comment Ever
Hello all. Mark here.
I had to post this comment my friend VJ wrote yesterday. I asked him to contribute to the year end/new year post coming up soon. What followed is one of the most inspired/surprising comments I’ve read in a long time. VJ has been known to make wonderful comments from time to time. He once proclaimed:
“The Ford Raptor got it’s sound design from the duck billed dinosaur in Jurassic Park three.”
“The Thing remake was predictable to the point it wasn’t fun to watch. Thank god the heavy set woman next to me felt like making out, otherwise my Thing remake experience would have been a complete bust.”
“As my abs take shape, I find them resembling Kitsch’s more and more after each gym session.” In reference to John Carter.
Without further ado here is the comment of 2012 and probably 2013.
Well 2013 is upon us. I received a text from Mark asking me to reflect back on all the 2012 blogs. The first thing that came to mind was obviously my new favorite “Tank Top Horror” post. For those who know me it’s no secret as to why I enjoy modern horror flicks. Let’s just say I don’t attend Renaissance Fairs for the over sized turkey legs. How can you lose with some heaving bosoms in a tank top while some form of menacing evil threatens their life?
Now, usually Mark and John are on point with their blogs, but this one felt was a little short. I don’t mean it fell short. It was a beautiful piece of blog. I mean it was literally short. There is a very important piece of history I felt needed to be added. Of course I’m talking about the original Tank Top in a horror movie; Greta Schröder of Nosferatu. In 1922 Greta was relatively unknown, but that was all about to change thanks to the tank top of her day, the night-gown.
The tank top has been around for centuries, but declined among women in the 1800’s and early 1900’s. At this time they were popular among men as an exercise garment. The nightgown was the sultriest piece of clothing at the time, and was the predecessor of the tank top. This lone film helped pave the way for the tank tops starring role in horror. As fashion changed throughout the years the tank top allowed for more bounce during the infamous chase scenes. The genius of the tank top is it manages to cover up enough to leave something to mystery, just as the nightgown did in 1922.
As for Greta she was on the positive end of tank top success. With several movies under her belt before Nosferatu, the nightgown thrust her into the limelight. It was a big gamble to get away from her roots, slap on the nightgown, and let a very creepy Max Schreck nibble on her neck. She took the risk, nailed her role, and went onto make such classics as Die zwölfte Stunde – Eine Nacht des Grauens, Großstadtmelodie, and Die Gefangene des Maharadscha. Though by the time Die Gefangene des Maharadscha was released her career was on the decline. She left us with many great films to admire, and owes most of her success to a scantily clad nightgown. In true fashion she married a struggling bad boy actor, divorced him, and was married to hot-shot director Paul Wegener. Wegner passed in 1948, and Greta disappeared from the public shortly after. Her role as the mother of tank top horror will never be forgotten. On a personal note I really enjoy the term “heaving bosom’s”
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John’s Horror Corner: The Pact (2012)
I’ll start by saying that “this” never happens in the movie.
MY CALL: I’m gonna’ be the bad guy here and disagree with the majority of online movie reviewers on this one. See it. Enjoy it. Expect to be impressed in some ways. However, the unevenness of the story prevents this film from meeting hyped up expectations reconnoitered from Amazon.
This is a much more fitting poster for this movie.
This movie has been getting solid feedback in the form of online reviews. 3.8/5 stars on Amazon, 3.4/5 stars on Netflix and 67% on RottonTomatoes. This strikes me as way too high. But I feel that folks were rating the production quality, acting, mood and “scare factor” instead of rating how well the movie actually worked. For example, regarding the story, was this a mystery thriller, a ghost story horror, a psychological thriller, a slasher movie, some of these, or all of these? This is a question you could ask yourself every ten minutes of this movie and change your answer every time. It’s fine, in fact often good, to keep your audience guessing. But when I can’t even figure out what I’m supposed to be figuring out…well that’s a problem for me. For this reason I am in strongest agreement with IMDB’s rating of a humble, even bordering on harsh, 5.6/10.
The same issues sprang to mind while watching The Tall Man (2012) and Silent House (2011); both well made, but both seemed to miss their own points. No degree of exposition when revealing a twist should justify 60 minutes of general bewilderment. And I don’t mean I fell prey to a red herring and “fell for” some clever trick on the writers’ part. No, no, no. I mean that instead of being given ideas followed by clues/leads, we were only given idea after idea after idea, most of which never led anywhere and none of which justified the ridiculous ending. I feel that The Cabin in the Woods (2012) succeeded where this movie failed with misdirection.
This movie is basically a stitch-work terror; a Franksteinian amalgam horror and ghost movie clichés shoehorned into one movie. While few horror movies of the last ten (or even twenty) years could be described as original, I feel that the clichés rarely stack as high as they do in The Pact. To its defense, however–if you forgive the story’s randomness–it strikes me as well-made and effective, with some shocking scares and a little disturbing imagery. With how much time the star spends in her panties and/or tight little tank tops, this flick is a solid exemplar of Tank Top Horror (a horror quasi-genre discovered by MoviesFilmsandFlix founder and esteemed writer, The Hof).
After her mother’s death, Annie (Tank Top Horror newcomer Caity Lotz; TV’s Death Valley) moves in to her mother’s house and searches for her sister Nichole (Agnes Bruckner; Vacancy 2, Blood and Chocolate). Objects are noticeably displaced, doors that shouldn’t be open are open, strange figures lurk about the house and our female leads are bullied around the house by an invisible force. REC (2007) started the “being dragged into the darkness” trend, Paranormal Activity (2007) followed suit with “being dragged by an invisible force.” Clearly, The Pact was trying to ride their coattails. But the ghost movie clichés don’t stop there. There’s flickering lights because of an incorporeal association with electricity (as in Pulse, The Apparition, V/H/S), Ouija boards, lights go out when ghosts are near (The Darkest Hour), and you can see ghosts in film and through camera views but not with the naked eye (Shutter, Insidious).
Some silly things transpire. A GoogleMaps ghost in her iphone leads Annie to a mysterious room in her mother’s house that Annie never knew was there despite growing up there. Then, Annie gets in touch with a medium she knew back in high school, Stevie (Haley Hudson). The movie becomes largely about this mysterious room and why the ghost gives a damn about it.
If you feel like you have no idea what this movie is about (after reading this review), then you know exactly how I felt while watching the movie. Horror fans should give it a shot. Non-fanatics should probably skip it.
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MY CALL: This disaster was unacceptably less British than the original Xtro and delivered none of the gore, schizophrenic cleverness or gross-out factor of its international original. [F!] WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Aliens or Xtro (1983).
Xtro paid homage to the mouth-raping aliens from Alien. The Second Encounter follows in the style of Aliens, in which these mouth-rapists are met with military force in more of an action movie.
Dr. Casserly (Tara Buckman; Silent Night Deady Night, Freddy’s Nightmares) and Dr. Summerfield (Paul Koslo; Robot Jox, The Omega Man) have found a way to send people to another dimension. When they send three men through their gateway, something goes wrong and communication is lost. They send for Dr. Shepherd (Jan-Michael Vincent), the discoverer of this technology, for help. What follows with that character’s development is a testament to catastrophically poor writing. Despite all the characters’ PhDs, they come off as nothing but idiotic!
Everybody look busy…like you’re doing science or something!
They manage to teleport one of their lost travelers, Marshall (Tracy Westerholm; Stargate SG 1), back through the gateway. She’s pretty much comatose until a big, slimy, entrail-covered alien tears out of her and goes into the ventilation shaft…just like in Alien or The Terror Within (1989). Their military personnel then hunt down the menace with the same guns as the colonial marines from Aliens.
Fertile women and alien movies…what an epic coupling.
I liked this gun more when Bill Paxton was using it.
Further blatantly ripping off Aliens, Dr. Summerfield gets the idea that it would be wiser to keep the alien safely contained than to kill it. It hurt me when I sensed the end of that sentence in the movie. Oh, and the alien kills with its tail like when the Alien queen impaled Bishop. So bad.
This movie is truly awful. The gore is weak and the creature looks dumb—when we rarely see any of it. The action scenes hardly have any action as we swap close-up views of someone firing a gun and this slimy dinosaur-monster screeching. After about fifteen minutes I could tell I’d be sitting around just waiting for this debacle to end.
Ouch!
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Hello all. Mark here
2012 provided a plethora of fantastic cinema. Check out the Top Ten, Awesomely Awesome Awards and the Mostly Awesome Awards However, this post will stay away from the good and focus on the bad. The goal is not to hate or diminish the work. What I have in store is a celebration of all things bad in 2012. The awards will be many and the pithy statements will be aplenty. Sit back, relax and appreciate the bad.
Best Bad Poster of the Year
They answered the question they asked in the poster. I was going to guess a something else but then I saw the money beneath his shirt. I love it when movie posters make me feel like a detective.
Best asking for a salad while kidnapped by a beheading happy drug cartel Award
Instead of being happy she has a bed and pizza Lively complains about lack of salad. I heard Oliver Stone wanted to include this in Platoon but the studio wouldn’t allow it (not researched). Don’t watch The Savages.
It made The Ugly Truth look good which makes 27 Dresses look like a classic which makes Knocked Up epic
One for the Money = Yikes. I’d wager the lowest grossing theatrical release of all time called Zzyzx Road starring Katherine Heigl might be better. I got to add a picture of John Leguizamo though.
I don’t remember a Single Thing These People Said Award
Rock of Ages. I thought this film ended but had to endure another 45 minutes of not remembering dialogue.
Wealthy Good Looking Rich People Being Selfish Award.
Friends With Kids is the worst film of the year. Makes you not want to watch any more movies about first world problems.
Nic Cage is the Greatest Thief in the World. Josh Lucas Kidnaps His Daughter. Lots of Bad Wigs and Painful Running Follows Award
Stolen is the best bad movie of the year
He Sought Justice and Found It
Seeking Justice is a head scratcher. I lost track of the plot and enjoyed Nic Cage continuing to work off his debts.
The Exploitation of Nic Cage Continues
Ghost Rider 2 is not awesome. I thought it might be awesome. I was wrong.
Best Horror Mutant Found Footage Film That Features Zero Mutants Award
I appreciate the fact that the entire movie is about Chernobyl mutants killing dumb people and they never show the mutants.
You know He is Depressed Because He Wears Lil Hats Award
He was only contractually obligated to wear the beanie for three minutes before he wore a perfectly tailored suit in Safe.
Looking at stuff in a Magical World Award
Kristen Stewart is unmatched at lookng at stuff
Runner Up: Looking at Stuff While a Mold Loving Ghost Haunts You Award.
Stewart’s Twilight costar Ashley Greene has obviously studied and learned to mimic the master. You gotta watch The Apparition.
Longer hair, Loud Noises, Can’t win
Wrath of the Titans is loud, dumb and louder…It is also boring. I thought that would be impossible. I learn something every day
Best War Face Award
This explains itself.
How do you hold “the line” against a mile high lava monster Award?
A general tells his men to hold the line against the father of all titans. Doesn’t seem fair.
Best TNT film – Man on a ledge
It will have a long life on cable with it’s literal title, name recognition and plethora of leather catsuits.
I Was Feeling Bad For You Until I Saw You Are in Star Trek 2
Alice Eve had to survive a poindexter Canadian killer in ATM and she endure the Cusack neck squeeze of doom in The Raven.
Best Hair
John Cusack + A Bad Movie = classic hair
The Tank Top Horror Film of the Year
Silent House: You haven’t read my Tank Top Horror post yet? Do it now!……Please.
Probably the Most Vulgar Thing I’ve Ever Seen Award.
Vanilla Ice was %100 likable. That’s My Boy leaves no poop/incest/adultery joke behind.
Why Can’t Knoxville Be in a Good Movie?
Nature Calls hurt the soul. I’m hoping The Last Stand will be good.
Makes More Sense Than Underworld 4 Award
Resident Evil 5 makes ZERO sense which makes Underworld all the more impressive.
When Keeping it Underacted Goes Wrong Award
Carell has invented an acting style I call “moping.” He shrugs around while poor Knightley has to be the sprightly one. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World should have been more than a mope fest.
Food trucks Solve All Problems Award
Think Like a Man and What to Expect use the food trucks to cringe worthy effect. The worst part is poor Anna Kendrick owns one of them.
Best Boots and Footloose Montage Award
The Amazing Spider Man is something I’ve seen like eight times before.
Best Ben Stiller Sterility Subplot Award
The Watch was soul crushing. It broke the land speed record for most crotch jokes in the first 12 minutes.
Kate Beckinsale Looks Fantastic But the Script, Story and Acting Are All Incomprehensible. Total Recall and Underworld 4 are Totally Bonkers.
They spend more time making her look good than actually writing a script. I’m actually 100% certain Underworld 4 didn’t have a script.
Best Sequel To a Prequel of a Prequel That Occurred Because of a Sequel
The Scorpion King 3 enters levels Inception couldn’t touch. Somebody speaks this line too “Your breath smells like rotten yak carcus.”
Worst Fight in a Good Movie
Batman and Bane are supposed to be martial arts masters who belong to the League of Shadows. Instead, they throw wild haymakers and occasionally mix it up with a gut shot. It baffles me that Batman never tries to hit that mask thingy. Also, who catches punches nowadays? I still like The Dark Knight Rises despite the hundreds of monologues. Read my post about The Scarecrow. It is fantastic! I love shameless plugs. Also read all of John’s replies and analysis.
Oddest moment in a good movie
A boatload of establishing films and a world conquering villain. So, why does The Avengers spend like 30 minutes fixing a propeller? Is that what made Robert Downey Jr. $50 million? Stoked for the next one though!
If you ever want a sweet leather jacket for cheap you should chill with Tom Cruise
Cruise stole a perfect jacket in MI4. Now, he is buying perfectly tailored jackets at Goodwill in Jack Reacher. I hope he doesn’t think it is that easy.
Comment. Appreciate. Tell me your bad awards.
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MY CALL: Looking for a film that has witches, murder, Lovecraftian vaginas, eyeball injections, the Necromonicon, and naked toad monsters? Well, depending my interpretation of what I saw in the melee of short films here you may be in for all that and more…all be it in small doses. These short films vary substantially in film, acting, gore, direction and writing quality. We get to taste a lot of stories and ideas and, if we don’t like one of the shorts after ten minutes, just wait ten more minutes for the next one to start. If you like anthologies then don’t miss this. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Some other fun, decent and/or clever anthologies include (in order of release date): Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Dark Side: The Movie (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), and the upcoming The ABC’s of Death (2012) and The Profane Exhibit (2012 or 2013).
A macabre-marionetted Udo Kier (Mother of Tears, Iron Sky) introduces the six unrelated stories of this anthology. I have provided an brief overview of each short film along with some opinions.
The Mother of Toads–directed by Richard Stanley (Hardware, The Profane Exhibit)
Wait a sec. I don’t remember my high school biology so well any more. How many “breasts” do toads have?
Vacationing in France, an American couple encounter an old lady (Catriona MacCall; The Beyond, City of the Living Dead) selling Lovecraftian earrings who claims to possess the Necronomicon. This clichéd creepy old lady invites the boyfriend to her uber-occult home in the woods, transforms into a slimy yet hot naked witch (played by a porn star), date rapes him, and turns into a six-breasted toad monster that looks like The Creature from the Black Lagoon. MY CALL: I may have spoiled the story, but the wooden acting and blatantly random premise spoil the short film even more. Though, I must admit I found it entertaining. You find yourself asking questions like “why would he go to her house?”, “why would he stay in that creepy house when she CLEARLY fancies herself a witch?”, “who would ever accept a drink from someone who owns a Necronomicon!?!”, and finally “the Necronomicon is French!?!” It’s a TERRIBLE film but a REALLY good laugh.
Of course I’ll have a drink. You don’t strike me as suspicious at all!
I Love You–directed by Buddy Giovinazzo
Axle’s life is falling apart. He wakes up on the bathroom floor, has bruises and wounds he can’t explain, he looks awful and his wife is leaving him for another man. MY CALL: Pretty much a couple Germans who sort of speak English fluently trying to act in English…just get American or British actors!!! Making matters worse, this never felt like horror film until the very end, which features some handsome gore.
Wet Dreams–directed by Tom Savini (who did the make-up for loads of stuff)
Donnie has been having some troublingly graphic dreams of castration. His wife, Carla (Debbie Rochon; Tromaville Scream Queen), is getting tired of it. MY CALL: We get a few grins from lines like “Lovecraftian vagina” as well as some fine gore which allow us to forgive Tom Savini for forcing us to watch his stillborn attempts to act. This was really just a shock piece. But I enjoyed it for the mindless fun that it offered.
The Accident–directed by Douglas Buck (Sisters)
A mother and daughter come upon a fatal accident which provokes questions about death from the young girl. MY CALL: This is the only short in this anthology which attempts to send a real message. Death is addressed gracefully, the acting was decent and the filming and music were done very well. I have one complaint though: zero horror.
Vision Stains–directed by Karim Hussain (Ascension)
A woman murders vagrants and “extracts” their final visions as their lives flash before their eyes…literally, with a syringe. Then she injects the fluid into her own eyes so that she may experience them. MY CALL: This was clearly the coolest of the short films. The premise, while loaded with in your face nonsense/non-science, was interesting and the extraction and injection scenes were uniquely hard to watch–not for the feint. No joke!
Watching this was seriously hard!
Sweets–directed by David Gregory (Plague Town)
Estelle breaks up with her boyfriend Greg in this colorful binge of a film. MY CALL: Stylistic, weird and obsessively indulgent, with an art house theater appeal, alternating disgusting and sensual imagery, and a powerful duality. All in all, a little too strange and sociopathic even for my taste. Watching this felt like being trapped in the mind of a psychopath; a never ending WTF moment that was equal parts insane and genius.
This was a REALLY interesting mix and should interest horror fans and indie film fans alike. Some risky production was practiced in some and shockingly good writing emerges here and there. We get to taste a lot of stories and ideas and, if we don’t like one of the shorts after ten minutes, we just wait ten more minutes for the next one to start. If you like anthologies then don’t miss this.
Not a good alternate poster. I swear this anthology is worth it–despite this lousy-ass poster.
Movies, Films & Flix 